Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything | Onion Now: Focus

[@FirstThief]

I think he was very brave for this, it’s not everyday that society gets to hear about the grievances of a conservative man.

[@aroha9090]

This comment deserves more upvotes 😆

[@brettwagner2950]

Yeah this is hilarious!

[@TonecrafteLuthiery]

Top tier comment right here

[@randyearles1634]

not at a reasonable volume.

[@UndertheNeedle282]

😂😂😂 best comment

[@linger4605]

"The LGBT+ Mafia have traumatized me so much, I'm terrified to eat a vegetable over 2 inches in length."

[@MichaelDeHaven]

That made me laugh. I guess you just eat a great pair of melons after you eat a carrot. It all evens out right?

[@andrewn7365]

I make sure I buy beer and a large steak every time I go grocery shopping when the wife is making zucchini bread. I am so afraid someone might think I'm not a straight American male if they see a zucchini in my shopping cart. I don't obsess over phallic vegetables, the woke left does!

[@devil_master1562]

Y'know, 2 inches is actually not bad. Maybe even above average.

[@ncognito2388]

I'm so terrified of rainbows that I won't even step outside after a spring rain shower.

[@alexanderveritas]

Every time I eat vegetables, it makes me think of _them._

[@TheDeadbone1961]

As an Englishman living, working, in Florida these last twenty years, I can assure you the fear among these conservatives is real: everything from small cars to coffee brands they can't pronounce is suspect.

[@MikiCab1]

I worked with a bunch of guys from Texas and it was unending with their grievances. I owned a Prius and had to endure almost daily complaints from something that did not affect them one bit. Also they all disconnected their seat belt alarms so the could drive without wearing a seatbelt. They were particularly proud of that .

[@Freshbott2]

@@MikiCab1nothing says (unasked for) displays of legitimacy and manhood like sulking and being a scared little victim of everything. I overheard a patient in a clinic making sure the female nurse knew he was straight because the disposable hygiene items, masks etc. were slightly pink.

[@georgelayton6641]

America builds systemic insecurity.

[@franmanlemon]

sometimes people live in places. hope this helps.

[@thediethrower1803]

@@pw3858 The UK is anything BUT socialist

[@asdf9890]

I’m from Oklahoma, and this is spot on how my neighbors act. 😂😢

[@barbaragallo8862]

I'm from California and my neighbors across the street believe this garbage. Obviously stay clear of them now.

[@JB-lp9xr]

“I sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow, safety off, and one in the chamber. You know… for safety.” - A real man

[@Cowboymatty]

Also in Oklahoma unfortunately and same. My neighbor across the street came up my driveway once to where me and my partner we in the car to tell us about how the trans people and LGBT’s are ruining the young generations and are going take over the world, that this ending was foretold and that the rapture is coming. This wasn’t the first time he’s come up to my house to tell me this. Me and my partner are both members of the LGBT. LOL

[@RobleViejo]

Fun Fact: This is not a sketch. This man approached The Onion willingly.

[@coolnewpants]

I don't believe you. Sounds too brave

[@rev0lve638]

They asked him if he’d like to answer questions. He submitted immediately so long as they let him live

[@TheAlgomalo]

Nope, this guy's way too self aware to be a MAGA consevative.

[@NotSoMuchFrankly]

I can see a tinge of irony in your intent, but you're probably more right than any of us realize.

[@cowboyx9380]

Fun Fact: EVERYTHING on The Onion is a sketch!

[@StunningHistory]

This man is far too introspective and in touch with his feelings to be conservative.

[@GiveMeMyLunchMoney]

Well, he's afraid of being in denial so he avoids suppressing his emotions. He's also afraid of expressing emotions so avoids it. He is also afraid of logical contradictions so he imagines that these two fears are compatible.

[@cjmhall]

Plus he has all of his teeth

[@zzeroara9511]

unironically, generally true

[@cowboyx9380]

@@cjmhallFunny the truth is…..libtards are the ones that choose meth over hygiene! Go into any inner city, you’ll find more needles on the sidewalk then teeth on the whole block!

[@bluebobsqurepants]

@@doughewitt3362please elaborate

[@drewcboi]

Pissing himself to own the libs. Nice, classic.

[@xdarkwing104x]

Just wait till you find out about diapers for Trump...

[@tobiascarrier]

Still not as wild as what Gavin McInnes did to own the libs

[@hydrocarbon82]

@@xdarkwing104x SNL's "Oops! I Crapped My Pants" sketch...

[@nerdwisdomyo9563]

@@drewcboi i respect the profile pic

[@Ema_Not_Emma]

Like that meme from a few years ago. 'Whatcha gonna do, cry? Piss your pants maybe? Maybe shit and cum?'

[@anonmouse15]

I wonder how they got my father to agree to an interview.

[@ajn465]

😔

[@lendial]

This poor man has been through so much sending thoughts and prayers

[@rhythmfield]

… and a box of depends-poor bro-I’m soaked in TEARS feelin’ bro’s pain.

[@Joris-KarlHuysmans]

And diapers

[@DVD927]

A whole truckload of thoughts & prayers coming his way

[@johnstutzer8664]

🤣

[@MattnUska]

All joking aside, as a former gun nut conservative, I can tell you gun nuts are more scared of guns than anyone. I wished he would have leaned into that more. Maybe we need a sequel to this?

[@EhtanHawke]

cant wait for this to randomly pop up in 16 years

[@dohboi6987]

Yeah I really miss The Onion. So glad they're back!

[@andrewfarmer5571]

and it will still be 100% relevant somehow

[@fabovondestory]

Literally

[@TimAllen624]

And be uncomfortably more relevant than it was 15 years ago...

[@Jeffreydefinitelynotdahmer]

Lmfaoo time capsule type beat

[@MicahScottPnD]

See, the trickle down theory works just fine.

[@answer5092]

Oh, this is just brutal. I applaud you.

[@mybachhertzbaud3074]

For the actual results of "trickle down" you need to look on top of the head and don't forget wear a hat.😜

[@Piiiiiiiiit]

BEHAHEHAHAHHRHAHAHAHA

[@hydrocarbon82]

Reagan was pissing on our heads and telling us it was "just normal economy things"

[@BorcishHorde]

OHHHHHH SHIT YOU KILLED ME!!!!! Lmao!

[@alyssasamons1837]

Unironically this makes me feel more sad for them than any media they’ve created to play victim.

[@mikek9297]

Nope. No sympathy, no pity.

[@Kevin6059]

That's the most healthy emotional response. Still working on it - I'm still pissed off.

[@brianh5844]

​​@@mikek9297What about empathy? I think empathy is the reason people come to progressive values, but we're (ironically) terrified of extending it to people that don't share our values. I think this is a mistake, albeit an understandable one, because we're angry at the harm being perpetrated by these scared people, and anger shuts empathy down. However, empathy doesn't mean approval or not having healthy boundaries against harmful behavior: it just means understanding. This is the reason why we favor rehabilitation for gang violence rather than locking people up forever: we understand that violence is the outgrowth of systemic factors and that these individuals are not rotten to their core. Why can't we do the same with conservatives? We need to carry our progressive values of tolerance and inclusion to their logical conclusion. It's true that a lot of conservatism is simply a fear response. If we truly understood that at a deep level, rather than simply laugh at it, (which is likely to make the world seem more threatening and unsafe to those people), we might extend a hand of genuine friendship. Once there is a basis of safety, from there, people are more willing to transform. But we're all in various trauma responses and so fighting, fleeing, or shutting down are all we can manage most of the time.

[@mikek9297]

@@brianh5844 I reserve my epathy for people who deserve it. hateful idiots who make decisions out of spite ad desire to hurt other people do not qualify. And as for progressive values - desire for justice as also very prominent among them. So don't lecture me, I'm fresh out of fcks to give about reaching out to people who would never ever do that for us and never ever have. I wasn't born yesterday, kid.

[@LC-sc3en]

@@brianh5844 I’ve been trying for over 20 years and what you often get is someone who takes the benefits of your genuine care and consideration and then labels you “one of the good ones”. To be completely honest I don’t think I ever had a chance due to my demographic. Everything I say they don’t like gets filed as “obviously biased due to race” or “doesn’t know any better because this entire racial demographic has been fooled into servitude” It is a rare occasion that a conservative friend will actually hear and engage with your point of views. Most of the time any time you lightly disagree with them respectfully even if occasionally they get a bit shamed faced and change the subject. I do find we agree on a lot of things like helping people and big corporations taking advantage of people. But we utterly disagree on what would fix it and they reject any policy they think might help “non deserving” people before it helps every last one of the “deserving people” They genuinely seem only capable of extending empathy to people they know and people they consider almost exactly like them. It has been painful decades having to forgive and push aside racial slurs and bigotry. Having to tip toe around my own beliefs to not get aggressively prayed over. Having to watch them dismiss the contradictions in choosing to live in a state because of requiring its benefits and also decrying that state as the worst possible state that doesn’t care about its people and giving that states left leaning politicians serial killer nick names. I can’t anymore. I am obviously not the person for the job. They never cared for me the way I cared for them. It always was about what I could do for them and I genuinely spend years afraid that they would violently reject me should I let them know my truth. It is hard to extend empathy when you aren’t safe and they don’t reciprocate.

[@olliepoplol5894]

“Look at what they’re doing to our country” You don’t have to explain who “they” is, or “what” they are doing - the sentence alone is enough to rile up any republican.

[@alexn5743]

It gets really fun when you press them on this

[@CisWhiteMalewithExtraPrivilege]

blacks

[@erdachtzumuntergang]

The Powers that be, may it be the billionaires, the Bourgeoisie, Reactionaries, Satanists, the Jesuits, Freemasons, the Deep State, the Military-Industrial Complex or the Jews. Feel free to choose the one that fits your ideology best.

[@IbnRushd-mv3fp]

AIPAC, blackrock, the literal human traffickers who run this society HELLO buddy are you with us?

[@fast6232]

👃🏻

[@themostselfishman]

I can't believe I paid for an Onion subscription thinking they were neutral, but here they are showing their clear conservative bias.

[@knight-mares]

😂

[@tj7870]

truth hurts don't it?

[@thisismyname3928]

👆🏳‍🌈

[@nathanstruble2177]

Excellent use of satire, wonder if they've done one on someone believing they need to pay to subscribe to youtube channels? 🤔

[@CuntyMisanthrope]

But then leftists are snowflakes 😂

[@BodyByBenSLC]

It is true, my father has bought into all this. Over last 30 years, Muslims, Gays, Trans and Migrants have all been coming for him he is 82 and they haven't got him yet.

[@stephanies2239]

that's right, they are all after him says the TV set and of course Truth Social

[@Earth1218]

It’s almost heartbreaking how many old people will die paranoid, angry, and fearful thanks to their constant diet of conservative propaganda. What a terrible way to end a life.

[@andrewthomson870]

On account of his vigilance no doubt. 😆

[@Hopeless_and_Forlorn]

I am about to have my 82nd birthday and the only thing that scares me is Christofascists taking over the government. In January I expect to be terrified.

[@Cannon4545]

Ah, they'll get him. Don't you worry.

[@Crashesdown253]

Reminds me of my ex. He’s the aggressive, controlling, large man with an arsenal of guns, big vehicles, lots of money, and lots of powerful friends…. And all he thinks about is how the “enemy” or dangerous people are gonna get him and his family. I’m like, dude, you’ve literally created yourself to be the scary powerful man with guns that are trigger ready 🙄 he’s completely blind to the paradox.

[@lifadysi9418]

What did he say and/or do in response when you told him?

[@Vohlfied]

He's afraid people will treat him as he treats others which to me is an acknowledgement of being a terrible person.

[@twocents8355]

Was waiting for him to say "I don't know what 'woke' is but I'm afraid of it."

[@drunkengamer1977]

It's gotten so bad that I'm afraid to wake up in the morning in case people see me and think I'm woke. I've been sleeping in the closet until noon so nobody can see me becoming woke...

[@Michael-o9e8i]

That would have necessitated his shitting himself, which may have resulted in the video being banned.

[@bizmonkey007]

“I don’t know what Critical Race Theory is, but it’s scares the hell out of me.” Probably a real quote from somebody

[@johnshite4656]

@@bizmonkey007 They would claim to know all about it, and then when you ask them they would admit they don't really know, but they do know that it's bad. That's how these people are. They are as confident as they can be at any given moment. That's the whole game to them. As long as they don't lose confidence in their cult then they consider themselves to be winning.

[@hedgeearthridge6807]

It pissed me off when I saw a Trump ad on TV that said "Will your family survive the next 4 years?!?!" as if Kamala moonlights as Michael Myers or something. Conservatives used to make fun of progressives for using fear propaganda, and now they've fully embraced it. Everything is about fear and anxiety and safety.

[@TragoudistrosMPH]

It always has been... even if something good is done, it could go wrong and or hurt you, so we must never change...

[@redben1252]

What's even worse is the "are you better off now than you were four years ago?" ads. Like have they just forgotten the big pandemic that ruined the economy and had millions fearing for their safety?

[@Pyramanager]

@@redben1252democrats for some reason always blame Trump for Covid as if he created it

[@kaif-tube1692]

​@@redben1252It’s simple, really. Anything good that happened during the Trump years were because of him. Anything bad that happened wasn't his fault. It's the opposite for Biden. That's all you have to understand about how many of these people view politics.

[@progenitor_amborella]

@@redben1252I don’t particularly consider the morgues in the streets to be a good thing, no, Don. It’s also funny hearing people say “well, I did like Trump’s early economy and Biden’s has been bad.” Like dawg, Trump was handed Obama’s economy and Biden had to fix Trump’s. It’s like people think the economy flips like a switch the moment an election occurs. It may be noticeable this time, but this is not a normal election!

[@AntivenomOW]

I‘m afraid of being afraid 🦅

[@jamesgoldring1052]

That's actually a real thing too Being scared of vocalysing your fears for fear of retribution

[@Ergo8152]

I'm afraid of people who are afraid😮

[@loccc88]

“The only thing you have to fear is fear itself”- FDR

[@MisterCynic18]

Real.

[@ftsdftsd1141]

🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🍔🍔🍔🧨🧨

[@altzana396]

I have followed The Onion since their hallowed beginnings in Madison WI. And I'm here as they have to push beyond parody to reality.

[@Thisguy1984]

I have a coworker who is conservative and he owns 100 guns but is afraid to take a out the trash at night

[@randys2669]

Dale Gribble ahh

[@Mal05407]

​@@randys2669Dont you dare insult Dale Gribble. He fought off an entire ant army for the sake of a little boy!

[@Ozblivion-Official]

Depending on where you live that’s a reasonable fear

[@NotFine]

​@@Ozblivion-Officialmost likely they're the danger LOL

[@Choosafunga777]

@@Ozblivion-Official true

[@dumoulin11]

He needs to be held by a caring trans person or a woman with strong career goals.

[@faarsight]

*Gasp* Are you trying to kill the poor poor totally for real discriminated against man?

[@agtv_media]

Eh, peps have more important things to do. Self hugs for free.99

[@Steve-ou8nw]

Or a vegan

[@Xxsorafan]

He would implode

[@koopatroopa187]

@@Steve-ou8nw A vegan trans woman with gluten allergies who works as a surgeon and is married to a man who is a nurse.

[@trapmouth]

I mean, have you guys seen what the M&Ms are wearing these days?!?

[@CutYourBangs9]

NOT sexy enough.

[@Cancellator5000]

It's a gotdamn shame. Where are all the sexy lady M&Ms? All the women in my life left me because I was too afraid to acknowledge them as human beings that I care about. Those M&Ms were the last thing keeping me sane!

[@bigdapramirez6157]

I know right? Since when did they get clothes!

[@YourAlcoholicUncle]

The green m&m is no longer sexy enough for tucker carlson

[@levilukeskytrekker]

+

[@wwlee5]

Nailed it. I always thought conservatives were afraid for over 20 years since I started to pay attention unwillingly

[@TigrisdeGallia]

Conservative, except in conserving our Constitution, rule of law, democracy, individual freedoms, international allies, and the legacy of those who fought fascism.

How do libs do any of those things to any greater degree than republicans? And by the way the US fought communism & National Socialism

[@levilukeskytrekker]

+

Do you think people should have the freedom to speak the words of their choice from their own mouths? Do you believe in the 2A? And there's no WWII vets who think the US is on the right track under the dems

[@bigamigo4863]

accurate.

[@ThinWhite_Duke]

Because dems famously defend the 1A & 2A

[@jeepliving1]

When did the Onion shift from parody to factual reporting?

[@GiveMeMyLunchMoney]

When reality shifted from factual to parody

[@m0L3ify]

They were always reporting the truth. It just took awhile for the world to catch up with them.

[@SaifulIslamShudipto]

**insert "Always has been" meme**

[@shushuyu]

@@m0L3ify they were ahead of their time by 200 years atleast.

[@Sam-uk4mb]

Satire is satire until it isn't

[@dr.catherineelizabethhalse1820]

Fear is the core of conservativism

[@Yoroiful]

Okay, so I guess we're going to ignore leftists constantly saying "they literally want us dead" on every occassion. Seriously, do you guys look in the mirror?

[@CatzlovichCatnipAndCabbages]

"Orange man bad! Orange man is literally Hitler! Orange man must be stopped before he kills us all!" X 8 years Yeah, conservatives are the ones "living in fear" Lol

[@TimT2-uw8td]

Dems are afraid and offended at everything. They need censorship and safe spaces at all times.

[@JC-justchillin]

Fear is the core of politics

[@DarkMarxSoul]

@@JC-justchillin See ideally this shouldn't be the case, plenty of countries' politics are legitimately about economic and funding decisions, but America has been warped into a massive two-culture battleground.

[@spencore]

LOL my conservative brother acts exactly like this. He is even afraid of giving temporary tattoos to his kid out of fear it will brain wash him..

[@noonenowhere877]

Temporary Tattoos do not enter the body and thus cannot affect the body least of all the brain portion of it.

[@thorium222]

Well, I respect him very much for telling how it actually is. Most conservatives are just constantly telling each other how brave they are while they are constantly afraid of everything.

[@Somethingelse506]

Stunning and brave

[@Yoroiful]

Did you miss out on libs crying and screeching on the streets because the wrong president was elected? That kind of fear? Or are you maybe a little delusional? It's like you can't tell "poking fun at ridiculous leftists" and "being afraid" apart. Is that why you misuse all the words with "phobia" in them?

[@micmacha]

They're afraid of brave people too, though.

[@Ladifour]

True bravery is facing your fears after all, not being unable to feel fear.

[@abraxasjinx5207]

It is nice to see a man who can express his fear without worrying that his buddies will laugh at him. I too am afraid. I'm afraid man-children with no access to their emotions will take over our country.

[@NeoAutodroid]

Conservative: I'm not so easily triggered Conservative: *sees two men holding hands in public* 😲🤯😵

[@unheilbar]

What’s wrong with being disgusted by seeing gays ?

[@RoachDoggJr26]

“Oh don’t get mad you snowflake” -The same republicans who get upset about everything

[@adelynncollier4222]

Then why are you persecuting us so much when we speak out against it?

[@dendooz1059]

​@@adelynncollier4222 It's okay gramps, it's just two men who like each other, they aren't gonna destroy your life, please take your meds.

[@lindabb7064]

@@adelynncollier4222 Because you don't understand reality boundaries: two men kissing doesn't mean YOU are kissing a man. It's their business, not yours. I know it's hard to understand when brains haven't evolved yet, but I'm sure you will get there with time. Hanging there, buddy!

[@Msyjsm]

I bet many conservatives wanted to comment on this video but they got scared seeing the man piss his pants.

[@BootyGoblinesque]

No it's the libbies and the commies who should be scared. Peepeeing is a power play

[@AdriftInTheWatersGorge]

thank you Yoshi I loved you in mario cart

[@DnASingularity]

@@AdriftInTheWatersGorge Mario Kart, with a K. No need to thank me for bringing you to shore though

[@maryloumiller3533]

He forgot to mention self-checkouts. Terrifying!

[@konami1979]

This reminds me of an ex-boss who usually spat out a 20-minute rant about a minority group, society, or high technology whenever he got scared.

[@SpaceLanceFTW]

Like...scared at all? He'd see a big spider and then rant about 5G making people woke and gay?

[@lemonlordminecraft]

Boss unexpectedly sits down on a whoopie cushion: “LIBERALS!!!”

[@phoenixwhiler943]

@@SpaceLanceFTW Just saying there wasn't alot of gay people until all these 5g radioactive towers came invading us proud patriots

[@Joris-KarlHuysmans]

Such a tiny little mind

[@aceman0000099]

No, ​@@SpaceLanceFTW it's usually some kind of financial or existential fear

[@Tao_Tology]

1:10 "....who is absolutely terrified of my own insignificance in this world that I have no control over." Daaaaaaaammn. 🎯

[@bmv0746]

I'm not conservative but I can at least be with him on that 😂

[@amacot656]

that line hit so deep and explain so much about most ''modern'' insecurity

[@9seed.]

Basically hp lovecraft

[@scottjondansteve9343]

@@9seed. very astute observation.

[@literallyjustgrass]

​@@scottjondansteve9343bro was so afraid of the black community he turned it into cthulu

[@Heavilymoderated]

I lived in Ohio and worked construction, and pretty much every person I worked with was this guy.

[@zacharyledford2785]

My family lives in North Georgia and pretty much everyone up there is the guy, even the kids.

[@wabc2336]

Construction workers, truckers, etc are the backbone of this country. The PROLETARIAT

[@Handofgod666]

When you see a guy so terrified of everything that he carries an AR into a Chipotle just to grab lunch, it's okay to ask him if it's his security blanket

[@noonenowhere877]

I wouldn’t ask a terrified man with an AR anything. It might spook him.

[@Handofgod666]

@@noonenowhere877 lol. he had no response but there were chuckles in line

[@Vohlfied]

"This is my emotional support rifle"

[@chineduatisele]

Hahaha 🤣 you're wild for that 😂 ​@@Vohlfied

[@Howard-Hamlin-from-HHM]

I came here after seeing that thing of the conservative influencer who got extremely scared because he thought some kids doing the “mewing” sign at the Trump rally was actually miming slitting throats.

[@amog8202]

Really? That's funny as hell

[@cozz124]

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[@IanIanaSpencer]

That's amazing

[@mariofan1ish]

@@Howard-Hamlin-from-HHM Wrong signal, correct response. Brain rot is the truest foe of humanity in the 21st century

[@eko9554]

Boomers being boomers lol

[@sderoski1]

And yet they are not afraid of dictators, because "...and then they came for me," doesn't occur to them.

[@heathertaylor8904]

I've thought about that poem every... fucking .. day for like 8 years now. I swear to God these people just don't learn from history and you know what they say about that.

[@Plethorality]

Until they do..

[@Dhumm81]

The main point of the poem is that it does. Niemoller was basically a Nazi until "then they came for me."

LOL the State has been coming for republicans for 4 years 🤦

[@RumRomeo-mu2up]

@ batgirl - The segment of the conservative peeing down his pants goes perfect with your comment.

[@capitalistdeathculteffects]

One Nation. Under God. God is totally topping us. We proudly bottom for God. Amen.

[@andrewn7365]

Spread your cheeks for god!

[@elfiot]

I mean, I assume that’s what “let The Lord into you” means.

[@MrEquusQuagga]

😩 hnnggg the Holy Spirit came inside me and it felt so good

[@kelpermoon23]

Eww

[@Ganso_Bomb]

Get down on your knees and start pleasing Jesus🙏

[@Dan210871]

The character in the video would actually be an improvement compared to actual conservative men, because (unlike them) he has enough self-awareness and is willing to admit out loud that he's scared.

[@olliefischer]

that final shot of the man, clearly terrified, barely keeping it together, pissing his pants while saluting... that's a hell of an image

[@makhnothecossack4948]

I mean, I have to say, I'm unironically feeling bad for him, even if this is just a skit.

[@BlackFlagHeathen]

They forgot the line, “I may be afraid of everything and proud of it, but I refuse to live in fear.”

[@matthewsanchez7953]

"Lions not sheep" but when I say _lions_ I mean house cats that hide under the bed when they hear a loud noise lol.

[@LC-sc3en]

@@matthewsanchez7953 also I don’t even understand lions because Lions understand interdependence and the males watch the kids while the females hunt and gendered shame isn’t a part of that.

[@individual1-floridaman491]

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself". As a proud conservative man, that sentence terrifies me.

[@Quinn37]

For me it's the fear disguised as toughness

[@EpixNirvana_Fan101]

This isnt even satire at this point, I remember seeing a video of someone reviewing a list of "woke video games" made by a conservative and I kid you not "depression, a women main character, mental disorders, etc etc." where on that list!

[@sharath2273]

Bloons TD 6, yes the monkey and balloon tower defence game, was rated as woke because it has a pride flag in the cosmetics shop. The list as a whole is honestly quite funny.

[@Sonilotos]

Ate the onion-ish comment

[@Shadow6OO]

You mean the obviously satire list? The one that both sides make fun of because of how ridiculous and even inconsistent it is? The one that puts Warhammer 40k and a literal futa hentai at the same level of "high wokeness"? You really believed that to be anything but a joke?

[@EchoNovemberDelter]

​@@Shadow6OOIt was the acronyms and obscure concepts that made me think it wasn't satire. Some people are just crazy

[@cherylyates9845]

@@Sonilotos His quote about conservative scared guys seems accurate. They regularly write 'a women' or 'many woman' then blame it on autocorrect. This 'little detail' is so consistent that they can be tracked down. Or maybe he just doesn't know the difference. Where and were.

[@ruud9767]

This really touched me. Where can I donate to help conservatives?

[@sanguine-moon]

please don't let it touch you that's sexual assault

[@proletariatworker7622]

Please point on this doll where the conservative touched you.

[@lazerpants9026]

Just look for the latest grift. Probably an overpriced bible or some spray painted sneakers.

[@ShinoharaMiyu]

That's the worst part of it, Ruud. I'm a left-wing democrat, but this moved me enough to try to help... there WAS a donation thing, Help The Conservatively Scared (HTCS), pronounced "htchs" with an h, but when it shut down before I could. They though when you pronounced it that it sounded like some kind of Spanish or "Chink Spanish" and they couldn't accept the donation because they all ran away after pissing and shitting their pants. The last remaining conservative there called me a wetback, before I told them I'm actually from a Colombian family, which he thought meant Mexico was expanding and that was the last he could take before running off. Truly awful, my heart bleeds for them.

[@mrpepperidgefarms]

There's a website called STORMFRONT..... you'll find the link to donate over there

[@Godyeater]

This isn’t just fake, this is actually what a lot of conservatives think. The Onion just needed to capitalize on reality.

[@johngpendleton]

... and that's who voted. The end.

[@madcow3417]

I have an anxiety disorder and I am actually afraid of everything. Even I think these conservatives are ridiculous.

[@Legoman121]

BOO!

[@danilodistefanis5990]

So it’s fine for you but not for others. Typical selfish ❄️

[@brent9359]

MOO!

[@marioformicadae6637]

Coming from an expert, lol

[@friendlyJeff1984]

Leave me alone and dont start new wars and dont kill babies. Oh the insanity

[@jeffdroog]

This video was personally sent in.The onion had no creative control over this man's words.

[@soccerguy2433]

This is my dad.... said "i hope you don't vote" when I was critical of Trump.

[@LoafingMushroom]

That's because your dad loves you.

[@robertkral9967]

Lie, just like orange jesus

[@IbnRushd-mv3fp]

Ukraine ain't got legs to stand on anymore 😉

[@wh1teshoes]

@@LoafingMushroomConservatives are the most hateful people lmao

[@filonin2]

@@IbnRushd-mv3fp Wow, it must be REAL bad for Russia then.

[@Drew-bc7zj]

The fact that Donald Trump is their "alpha male" speaks VOLUMES. 😂

[@revwillyg6450]

Seriously. Biggest PAB on the planet

[@cannawithkendall1872]

​@@revwillyg6450😂 PAB.

[@jaredf6205]

Who are they going to pick next? Gary Busey?

[@cannawithkendall1872]

@jaredf6205 they almost picked worm brain.

[@Drew-bc7zj]

@@cannawithkendall1872 The way it's looking, he'll be in charge of our *health* agencies. WTF?!?

[@PSA78]

Conservatives, people with liberal amounts of fear. 👀

[@IanIanaSpencer]

I see what you did there

[@linger4605]

"I'M NOT SCARED! I just hoard guns for my protection. Don't confuse patriotism with fear."

[@Ergo8152]

How pray tell does having a gun fetish make u a patriot. NRA bull😅

[@willjapheth23789]

Basically, sums up online conservative trolls that call any liberal a professional victim while endlessly spamming their grievances that barely harm them, if at all.

[@animefan7424]

You disagree with me? You’re a woke liberal snowflake DEI hire you commie!

[@SeanHartnett-t8c]

what is funny is to call them a snowflake back, watch tye hatred

[@Yoroiful]

if you don't see the difference between critiquing awful "art" and freaking out over the use of wrong pronouns, you should seek help.

[@leonlewicki8025]

​@@Yoroiful yeah i hate it when republicans freak out over pronouns

[@OnlyVideos-g2c]

Now that doesn't seem very Christian, she (God) wouldn't approve of purposefully antagonizing your neighbors. She didn't ​say love thy neighbor, but only if they're straight. @@Yoroiful

[@redrick8900]

It's wild that people ever fail to make the obvious connection between conservativism and cowardice.

[@SoFloCo-ne4rk]

Watch a Trump rally sometime. It's nothing but macho posturing, fear mongering and picking on the weak.

[@Mmmmilo]

For conservatives, every accusation is a confession.

[@StreetBvllyTV]

Yeah on top of that they cover it up with "masculinity" (looking out your window and calling the police on anybody who dear walks outside and looks poor, while being afraid to confront the man or say something to him)

[@neotorque8279]

As a liberal who is ashamed to be brave about everything, I am inspired by the courage of this very very cowardly man. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have none.

[@dillonhunt1720]

When your transphobia is an actual phobia

[@DuringDark]

I mean I think TERFs have this down, a woman over 5'10" in the restroom may as well be a tarantula on the ceiling

[@theonethesequel]

Chu Chu

[@LoafingMushroom]

There is nothing in this world more terrifying than a man skincrawling a woman trying to enter the bathroom with little girls. Transphobia is a wise response.

[@IbnRushd-mv3fp]

yeah... Why can't they be pro trans like the people that sell them to the medical industry and abandon them once they get fucked over? 😂

[@cozz124]

me defending my home from all the homophobes (they hate homes)

[@nerdwisdomyo9563]

Don’t forget how scary tofu rainbow flags and scientists are 😰

[@artifactU]

scientists keep talking about the "climate change" myth, yknow it used to be called global warming but then they found that the earth was actually getting colder so they renamed it. why dont they just look at the science /j

[@MiniM69]

They’re right to be afraid of scientists. They’re always talking about scary things I don’t understand and I hate that, so I tell people they control the weather.

[@VeilsideTofu]

You called?

[@nerdwisdomyo9563]

@@VeilsideTofu AH

[@Ashleybmakingvideos]

And commas

[@fuffoon]

Dude, you're a Chad! That took guts. Have a big hug from somebody who identifies as noboby special. Bless The Onion for its return.

[@jn3440]

You know the world has gone wild when the satirical new paper starts publishing facts

[@NeoRipshaft]

I've been afraid to speak out for so long, finally I feel like I've been heard 😭- I'm pissing and pooping my pants right now in solidarity my brother!!!

[@komugemon8010]

This conservative man is well hydrated. Good for him.

[@minecraftoutrage]

I thought The Onion did satirical skits, not documentaries

[@completelyboringstuff204]

Honest and well spoken, unlike the man he is going to vote for.

[@db5823]

Yes, but at least the man he's voting for is wearing a diaper! So, _TAKE THAT!_

[@TheEasilyBeatable]

Bo Burnhams had a hard time since his last special

[@aceman0000099]

Or Dax flame really had a glow up

[@randomtinypotatocried]

Nah, it's just my almost 30 year old incel brother finally admitting he's afraid of everything

[@CliffSedge-nu5fv]

Welcome to the Internet.

[@markgriz]

Did The Onion turn into a news channel? Or did 1/2 of society turn into The Onion

[@nathanstruble2177]

Yes? I'm going with yes

[@evientually]

😂 Who can say? The results are the same.

[@ElMarcoh]

Your comment implies that the other 1/2 was already The Onion... Oh wait... 🤯

[@some1337dude1]

1/2 brother the whole thing is an onion sketch that isn’t even funny

[@bconroy328]

​@@ElMarcohthat's the bets part... we are all onion we have layers now boys

[@Kamamura2]

So THAT's the "trickle down economy" Reagan kept talking about...

[@LinnieBee1709]

"tinkle down"

[@johncook9392]

Reagan himself might have been experiencing some incontinence with his trickle down though...

[@DavidOfWhitehills]

He's 200 pounds underweight. That's how you can tell it's not a documentary.

[@hharts83]

🤣🤣🤣

[@Dirt-3-]

And a full head of hair

[@CliffSedge-nu5fv]

A lot of young male conservatives are malnourished. Those trickle down policies they keep voting for never make it down to them.

[@zagreus5773]

Conservatives are too scared to even comment under this video.

[@nova8585]

He should have said that to cope with reality, he just calls anything inconvenient as "fake news"

[@Legitimate123]

I'm curious if you think that the news is actually reported accurately by MSM? I get that "fake news" is over-used now, but the use of the term has led to an increased awareness of the deceit, partisan propaganda and lack of journalistic integrity of the mainstream news corporations. I'm trying to figure out whether you actually believe that news isn't often 'fake news.'

[@Yoroiful]

Ah yes, convervatives are the ones that are coping. Not the people who think they're the wrong gender or need a whole month to celebrate who they are, because they are so confident. And not the people who lose their minds when they are misgendered by accident. Right.

[@1Kent]

He vomits when he drives past a public school.

[@jaredf6205]

He’s just donating his lunch to the children

[@rjensen2586]

​@@jaredf6205 no way, those little freeloaders don't deserve lunch

[@rob-v1y]

Yep. Absolutely accurate. No notes.

[@hervymarquezgarcia1079]

I could play this in a church and you'd hear cheering

[@ronture8279]

This comment is under-rated.

[@user-em6ie2be7x]

Conservatives - We believe in something...what that is we still don't know?

[@cheifhog2552]

Pretty much. The entire world since the enlightenment has been liberal. “Conservatism” for the last few hundred years has been nothing more than “I want to go back to a less liberal period”. Hence why it fails. Actual conservatism in a western context would be advocating for Catholic Christendom.

[@kelpermoon23]

@@user-em6ie2be7x that’s just you

[@JordanManfrey]

They have to wait for the adults with ideas to speak first before they know what to be contrarian about

[@kuribo1]

These guys actually won though....let that sink in.

[@cyclicozone2072]

We sure did 😂

[@noonenowhere877]

Fear is the oldest emotion, it was here before love, it was here before hate. It will be here long after humanity has devolved to a state where it feels neither. Fear is the oldest emotion and it is easy to predict both animals and humans who exhibit it. Put simply if you lost it’s your own damn fault cause fear is both entirely predictable and fucking easy to manipulate. I’ve never understood why the Democrats are so bad at it. It’s like they refuse to believe that the vast majority of humanity think with their lizard brain and keep getting tripped up as a result.

[@JB-lp9xr]

No, the clown they voted for won. They are about to lose hard.

[@gmgssilverplate]

It took great strength for this brave man to speak up.

[@thethirdchimpanzee]

Pronouns. Pronouns scare the hell out of me! And I don't even know what they are!!

[@OtherlingQueen]

"what THEY are"????? :0

[@noonenowhere877]

Pronouns are scary though. Not all pronouns but the implication that you can automatically get marked as malicious for saying he instead of she or she instead of he is intrinsically scary. Especially if you already mix up words normally. Cause you just know any laws put in place 100% exist to target you and you specifically. Cause police are always looking for easy crimes to arrest people for to avoid having to go after actually dangerous criminals. So the people who are gonna get arrested for hate speech? Gonna be the socially awkward NEET who doesn’t have enough practice talking with people who emerged from the basement to buy groceries for like fifteen minutes only to say good morning to the cashier (it’s afternoon) say you too when the cashier says “enjoy your food” followed by excuse me sir when they run into the transwoman they weren’t looking at properly because they avoid people at all times. Then BAM slapped in irons and to jail for a thousand years. That’s what pronouns inherently mean. At least if you try to make laws around punishing people for not using them. People should be removing old laws not adding new ones.

[@OtherlingQueen]

@@noonenowhere877 No, this never happened and will never happen. People misgender all the time and it's completely understandable, I and everyone else never attack people because they used the wrong pronouns and there will never be legal ramifications for misgendering. Very weird reply from someony who doesn't understand but stay in your echo chamber all you want.

[@Boomerangofjustice]

I was afraid to watch this video and also afraid to leave this comment. Please be nice to me.

[@sienna7241]

this is so brave 🙏

[@chdrs]

I'm gonna trans you

[@bmv0746]

Your children have now become gay

[@GreenBoy9000]

No. I will not.

[@Robot8380-r8q]

It's OK JD we've got your back

[@fuhgetabatit1051]

If they would just admit it we wouldn’t be here.

[@Beery1962]

What's really terrifying is how true this is.

[@affordablex4914]

Please make some friends on both sides of the political spectrum. Conservatives and Liberals are humans just like you. I’m genuinely tired of this level of polarisation and dehumanisation, from both sides.

[@Beery1962]

@@affordablex4914 Both liberals and conservatives are inhuman. Here in the US, they are ALL currently spending their time trying to figure out which genocidal party they're going to vote for in November. The only truly human people are those who refuse to vote for genocide. Sadly, that's a very small minority in the US.

[@affordablex4914]

@@Beery1962 Ok bro, the Republicans and Democrats aren’t ethnically culling people or sthn like that. Corrupt? Yes. Genocidal? No.

[@a.i5233]

​@Beery1962 In an Alternate reality where NOBODY IN AMERICA VOTES: The Middle east: All these unwinnable century spanning conflicts are over, lets lay our arms down and go inside Balkans: Yknow what? Aside from the genocide and wars, you're pretty cool, lets all be friends Africa: Afamefuna! I am sorry i genocided your people, all of us warlords and greedy millionares have used our resources to develop continent wide infrastructure in every village. All tribes have become one, the tribe of man. Why you ask? Because a thousand miles away in a different continent. Millions of brave americans didn't vote. Northern Ireland and Scotland: Yknow what? Protestant Catholic smotheshlint shmathlic. We're all the same. Misandrists/Mysoginists/Transphones/Radical leftists/Radical rightists/Racists/xenophobes all in unison: NOOOO! We must all now walk into the sea, both killing ourselves, feeding the sea animals and contributing to a reduction in carbon emissions. @Beery1962 looks upon the world in pride. A random starving african child holds his deluxe vegan healthy cheeseburger from the family owned minority business in his town: Thanks America. You saved the world!

[@sealioso]

​@@Beery1962not that many votes for genocide thinking they're voting for genocide

[@Alltime2050]

Nailed it.

[@handlaidtracksand3dprinted922]

The most honest and accurate program in the world!

[@dirkthewrench]

The most self aware conservative in history

[@clementcooley4359]

That's the thing about demagogues- keep them fearful, scared, and angry.

[@meatwax]

This must be that "alpha male" i keep hearing about

[@rogerknox9147]

It's gotten so scary I won't look under my own bed anymore, even knowin' that's where my slippers are ...

[@unknownunknown5822]

Sending thoughts and prayers to this guy

[@MWDFrancis]

I’m afraid of the onion.

[@MIForrestguy]

The Onion makes me cry at night too. 😢

[@HeathWatts]

Sadly, so many of those creatures exist that they get the most votes.

[@joeyscars4947]

They got one thing right. Fear is the essence of conservatism.

[@MaxamillianStudio]

100% accurate. Not a parody... this is real life.

[@brynjones2708]

The line between reality and parody blur each passing day.

[@ketaminejones3981]

Tell me more about how the people who think men are women have a hard time determining the line between fact and fiction. 🍿🍿🍿

[@MrApocalisse]

​@@ketaminejones3981 Please cope faster and harder.

[@maudiojunky]

@@ketaminejones3981 I love the irony that you feel so threatened by trans people that you have to tell the world in the comments.

[@MungkaeX]

This makes far more sense than being outraged over people being different.

[@louurich9087]

Coastal cities? Given their reaction to Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Milwaukee it is clearly just any city.

[@circleinforthecube5170]

they basically might as well be on a coast, the great lakes are much more like seas you cant see across them and they have a pretty massive shipping industry with thousand foot long ships, they are coastal cities, the great lakes even have cruise ships!

[@Commander_Appo]

Commenting so when I get this recommended in 10 years I can be like “damn”.

[@Sorrelhas]

This is just your life when you spend all day eating up culture war slop It's ok to hold different opinions, but I feel some people genuinely need to just disconnect and go outside

[@1992Xenomorph]

True words!!!

[@jeffreyhodes6388]

A proud conservative man would recognize when they're being lied to by the current Republican party....

[@toothcruncher]

theyre scared of self-reflection and being wrong

[@DC-SA1]

I live in a conservative area, and I'll tell you, this is 100% spot on.. it'd be more funny if it weren't so very true

[@BargSlarg]

Hate and Fear are very closely linked feelings, you tend to hate the things that you fear. Most people fear the unknown, lack of education leads to hatred.

[@scipocelah6677]

Why do you think Trump says "I love the uneducated."?