Great Friendships Grow When You Master These Skills

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

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[@AmenMama-qe4sq]

Friend dating is important. Get to know people. Quality people are indeed hard to find.

[@rturney6376]

I love 💝 this 😅!!! ❤❤❤

[@flygirl2172]

DITTO

[@MissyQ12345]

Yes, but how?

[@rturney6376]

@@MissyQ12345 when dating you should ask questions and observe behavior. Is this person a fit? Is this person good for me? You should do the same with friends. Be selective. 🙏🙏💙💙💙🌻🌻🌻🌻

[@goldalevin869]

@@MissyQ12345 I'd go to places that relate to your interests. I've met people working out, but there are also book clubs, religious activities... Whatever interests you and floats your boat.

[@goldalevin869]

I got sick of giving and not receiving in return, so I got rid of some dead weight and feel better and more empowered.

[@scotnick59]

I get tired of being "the bigger person" to the point of plain martyrdom

[@cynthiaars8140]

What I find hard about being a good listener and asking questions to others, is to realize that most of the time it isn't reciprocated. I've become really good at this and it makes me really happy. But I noticed that people who ask me questions are pretty rare. I'm ok with it but I feel like it creates a lack of balance in the relationship at some point.

[@w0ahsam536]

it does which is why can’t be okay with it. it makes me feel like i don’t even matter. so now when i sense this in a relationship i start seriously contemplating if i should continue to have this kind of person in my life

[@cynthiaars8140]

@@w0ahsam536 you're right, I'm really starting to analyze who reciprocates or not. And life has brought me in the past few months some incredible people who really are interested in me as much as I am with them. So, slowly, I'm starting to reevaluate the people around me and realize that some relationships are just not fulfilling anymore, so I take some distance.

[@Meandmymirror]

Same! It’s so rude

[@ThingsILove2266]

Oh boy, Anna, you need to address how to sort through those “friends” who are around when they need a 4-hour ride to the airport but can’t sit down for lunch or just to hang out. I’m watching my kid wade through being repeatedly used in am effort to be a good friend or make friends. Please do a video on the flip-side of this. It is heartbreaking to watch.

[@Rose-kj7rz]

I'm 41 and have the same problem. I just ended a 16 year friendship with a neighbor bc she wasn't the friend I thought she was. The friend she led me to believe she was. And it wasn't like she had done anything so egregious in those first 15 years that would amount to a red flag that would have led me to end the friendship earlier. I really hope your son finds the right people for him. Loneliness for children is downright devastating, to both the kid and their own family.

[@heidiklessard8440]

Agree, the second part should be how to sort out those "friends" .. It's brutal to keep getting burned.

[@MC-rw2bk]

I know how you feel. I did a favor for a so called friend and now she is asking for more and more favors. This week she asked if she could borrow a few hundred dollars. I’m ignoring her.

[@ehaley6838]

@@MC-rw2bk can you say something like “I don’t have that kind of money to just hand out to others. I’ve never asked you for money”? Because I’ve found like Ignoring just leads to deferring the burdensome conversation at a later time when they “nail you down” for conversation about it.

[@c.paget511]

I spent my life listening to friends rather than talking about myself. I ended up with a string of self centered people unwilling to listen to me even for a moment! As important as it is to listen and empathize with others, some with deep trauma need to be careful even-perhaps especially-about that. We teach others how to treat us.

[@kristinel1117]

I can really relate to your comments because this is how my life has been. Always there for everyone else and bending over backwards for them. Always helping them out physically, mentally and financially. As someone with CPTSD I thought that's how you maintained friends. Always give them what they want to make them happy and they will reciprocate. Then when my dad died none of those friends showed up to the funeral or were there for me. Thanks to Anna, I'm now learning the tools to choose good friends and see red flags from the very beginning.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I feel u. I find many ppl are the same with me. When I need a friend where are the ppl I've helped. I hate to say this but especially in the church it's hard to find a real friend!!!

[@Artlover2803]

She says listening for only 30 mins you can talk later. The person feels heard after that if they don't listen let go. You lose nothing but develop a good foundation for relationships.

[@Cepheus773]

I'm far in my CPTSD healing journey and I'm about to move to a new city. I can't wait to be a good friend for the people I'm going to meet. :)

[@truthdecay3438]

So what are the skills to master for this? 1. pick great | normal people. 2. be a good listener. 3. clean compliment. 4. if you want a good friend, be a good friend. 5. sees your best potential believer in your friend. 6. shows up for the hard stuff. 7. they know how to ask you when they know you need help. 8. show up for the good & hard times. 9. don't talk about them behind their back. 10. have their back, identity & hearts. 11. stay in touch with them face to face.

[@truthdecay3438]

though i typed it out for others to see, i don't understand what it means to have their identity? have their hearts? can someone on here clarify. i have asked my best friend & they don't know.

[@finchman1]

Those of us who are dealing with complex/childhood trauma and toxic shame issues end up in relationships with familiar strangers rather than genuinely intimate friends.

[@RobRowan-l2p]

Oh yeah...

[@jumbolumps666]

I'd been frequenting the same park for 2 years and always talking to the same people. I thought it would eventually lead to at least one friendship. Nope! It was always the same superficial chatter, even after two full years! Eventually I stopped going because the meaningless chatter became so mind-numbing

[@MissyQ12345]

That’s a good description of it. I have acquaintances.

[@zerocrusade2531]

Feeling this my entire life.

[@MissyQ12345]

@@zerocrusade2531 I’m sorry.

[@triplejmom7826]

This came at a perfect time. I’ve always had a hard time making friends & keeping them. I’m finally far enough on my healing journey to want friends & keep them. To stop isolating myself & being alone. I’m even trying to reconnect with family I haven’t seen in years (not the ones I’ve gone no contact with due to their toxicity).

[@WendeeG]

Same here. Was going to post the same exact comment lol good luck to you on your journey ✨

[@WhatsMarlyUpTo]

Great progress both of you for expanding out your comfort zone ie isolation. Wasn't this a marvelous video? I've made a bullet point list of each suggestion and shared it with some friends.

[@alisonbrown2761]

It is so helpful, and such a relief, to learn that I'm not alone with this issue. Other people just seem to know how to make and keep friends.

[@calmcrinkles]

I have a boundary now with meeting new people/friends that if they only want to connect through social media they’re not for me. I’m not on social media “socially”. I want face to face connection or at the very least talking over the phone.

[@Coryraisa]

Me too. I never rely on social media or zoom or facetime for friendships. I prefer face-to-face. I also use texting since I don't like depending too much on talking on the phone either.

[@createone100]

Completely agree!

[@createone100]

@@CoryraisaBeware of texting. It is not a substitute for face-to-face time.

[@Coryraisa]

@createone100 True, it isn't. Face-to-face is my first choice.

[@CaroleWebster-x2s]

I am a little confused here. You say you don't like facetime but prefer texting. Isn't facetime more face to face than texting?

[@RobRowan-l2p]

Thats something I rarely had friends. I seemed to atrack fair weather friends. My girlfriend is educating me on how a relationship takes work and effort. I grew up in a toxic environment.. So she's really showing me love kindness understanding caring.. And im aspiring to do the work... Thank you so much Anna...❤

[@involuntarilycelebrate]

You can have all the Friendship skills in the world if you can't find quality people to be friends with you're not going to find friends. I gave up on trying to find friends I'm pass the age of 50 and I don't even need them anymore. Once you get older if you've done the inner work, you're going to have the security to where you don't need it anymore

[@amaimono323]

Sometimes these videos can be so hard to watch because of the terrible feelings that emerge. But by the end, I feel so much less ashamed. It’s hard to believe that other people have had experiences like me- I guess we’re all keeping to ourselves, haha.

[@IndiBex86]

Oh I have the same thing. I think Anna is wonderful, but I get so triggered watching her videos. Makes me scared how deep the trauma goes.

[@patrickridge9616]

What I realized is that friendship is a lot of work. I had some notion it was supposed to be a romp, when actually it requires some focused attention, memory and time. And sometimes you have to apologize, and listen to them complain, and watch them make obvious mistakes (ignoring your good advice), ignore their good advice, and all kinds of less than frivolous things. I wanted it to be about getting things, but a whole lot of it is about what I have to offer. But the long term rewards continue even during the times that it requires work.

[@RobRowan-l2p]

That's what my girlfriend has been saying to me. 😊

[@widget0028]

Its so hard to surround yourself with healthy people when you are not healthy yourself

[@elainebolling505]

Trust me, everyone in the world has problems of one kind or another, every one has the same basic needs, don't feel isolated, reach out, you will find a good friend you like

[@geraldinegranger9186]

Thanks for the pointers. I have an opposite friend experience although I think it stems from the same place. I was told early in life that I talked too much, and ever since I only listen and never talk about myself. Some people love that but it is a one-sided relationship. People I genuinely like now say that I’m too secretive. Balance is the key I suppose.

[@natalie77867]

+1 on this. The challenge for me is to ensure listening is reciprocal, and I am not emotionally overextending to feed without being fed. I used to get validation this way, but it does not lead to healthy friendships.

[@annettehankins3268]

Good friends are indeed a blessing!!

[@Justme-ep3rc]

It’s been 4 years since I had a good friend. I do miss it…but I truly want a QUALITY friend…I have fear of opening my life up to anyone new as I’ve experienced tremendous feelings of abandonment and betrayal these past few years.

[@rturney6376]

😘🙌🙌🙌🌻🌻🌻💙💙💙🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@finchman1]

@@Justme-ep3rc I know what you mean. I had a close friendship for about 5 1/2 years then out of nowhere he started to breadcrumb and slow ghost me. It was then I realized that I needed to cut my losses and end the friendship.

[@prescottlady7978]

One question I've learned to ask about any relationship , "Is anyone being edified here?" In other words, "Are they receptive to anything I have to say or do for them?" or " Am I learning anything from them?" If not, is it pleasant or fun to spend time with them? Life is fleeting.....something to think about......

[@janeyrevanescence12]

It’s so funny, Ms. Anna, that you posted this video today. Yesterday I finally admitted to myself that the man I call my closest friend is actually a toxic person who doesn’t consider me as close of a friend as I do of him. I think I have some ideas now about how to fix that. Thank you, Ms. Anna.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Happened to me too…..several times

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@createone100]

Me too, Anna. There have been people whom I thought were very good friends, who disappeared when I have been in deep grief. Or sent a tear emoji when circumstances blew my life completely apart. Messages on social media do not cut it! A breezy text/emoji is an insult to someone experiencing what I was going through. I ditched a 40-year friendship as a result.

[@KKKKAAAARRRRYYYYNN]

you have to be vulnerable and directly ask for your friends help, hug, guidance, or listening ear

[@LindaRS-o1s]

This video was so useful! I'm still in that period of being alone and intermittently facing loneliness. I got rid of a couple of friends when I ended my marriage. I couldn't leave a toxic relationship and not leave toxic friendships. But, people who are more emotionally healthy haven't shown up yet. So, I practice social skills with work friends and meeting strangers via meetup groups. Rather be alone than surrounded by immature "friends".

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I hate being negative, but many ppl I find love celebrating themselves & their offsprings. They love building themselves & their offsprings up on a pedestal. I don't mind listening but I hate hearing lies & almost unbelievable stories. I've tried hard to make friends & now my small circle is just about all I can handle. I love listening to strangers in stores. Some ppl who are having a hard time I love listening & seeing if I can help them. Thank u Wonderful Fairy for all of your help & encouragement. GOD Bless u!!!

[@victoryamartin9773]

This was good. I've never been taught how to be a good friend. I had to go to college to learn empathic, active listening skills. I got that. But the rest, clueless. No wonder I can't manage to keep friendships. I'm not good at all with initiating. Thanks for the suggestions.

[@CaroleWebster-x2s]

What about a good friend who only wants to get together when you only talk about good things and not what is hurting you?

[@ladybird169]

That is topic for professional help.

[@w0ahsam536]

i dont think someone who likes to avoid reality and vulnerability can truly be a good friend

[@annfoster5190]

I've always had the tendency to have friends who only talk about themselves. I never could get a word in edgewise even as I listen as they ramble on and on. When I am able to talk, I get abruptly interrupted or cut off. Or the other person is scrolling on their phone as I'm talking. Others keep their focus on mindless TV watching. It makes me feel invisible or not validated as a person. It began to make me feel angry and resentful to the point that I finally spoke up. Turns out that these kind of friendships were superficial and things weren't going to change. Recently I decided to cut these people out of my life and start looking for friends who are balanced. I am still looking up in the meantime, I'm taking care of myself and healing. I no longer want people in my life who have been using me. I hope my ex helps others to do likewise. Not being heard is not being fair to ourselves . I meant to say that I hope that my experience will help others as well.

[@prescottlady7978]

There's an old saying that we should avoid talking about politics and religion, but to be in a good friendship, those things really need to be in alignment with one another. They are at the core of our identity and values, and how can any relationship have depth without addressing these things?

[@KarenSharin]

Married for 20 years . Happily. He's a Republican. I'm a Democrat. We've had some pretty heated moments . Both of us are glad to be in the relationship .

[@snowbear1877]

I agree. I find it hard to be around people whose core values don't align with my own.

[@MetallicDec75]

I'm an atheist and my friend is a Christian. We respect that boundary and don't discuss is for the most part. Every friend will have something you don't see eye to eye on.

[@prescottlady7978]

True. I guess the crux of this conversation is to acknowledge that there are many definitions of friendship, and many degrees. I dearly love and am committed to helping a few people in my life who have opposite belief systems from my own. But are they the ones I would pour my heart out to in a crisis, or could I count on them to pick me up at the hospital after a surgery? Sadly, no. There are many one way streets in life, people disappoint us, and we disappoint them. That is why I look to God instead of to highly fallible, mere humans.

[@pt8421]

Just broke up with a friend who was in my husband’s close circle of friends. She was aloof and difficult to get to know. I tried for twenty years to get to know her better. It was like pulling teeth. She would go to my husband for advice but never me. When I go to her to gently say I was down she would ask why don’t I just tell her I need to talk. I often initiate conversations to see how she’s doing. It’s always very superficial. She herself is so messed up in past traumas that I don’t think she has the band width to handle friendships. I wish she can give me a chance to share some of her burdens. She never trusted me I guess. I realized this friendship was toxic. We are not good fit as friends. My husband and I go out of our way to help friends and it’s not always reciprocated. Friendships are harder than romantic relationships.

[@Aetherfield]

I am waiting for Part 2 on this. It’s pretty easy to make superficial connections if you just want dinner chatter, but I think there is a gaping hole for many to find a true confidant, support system, or family-like friends. The trick is how to find “real friends,” & remain friends despite different ideals, belief systems, and life hardships, etc. Especially as a introvert or if one has novel ideas/opinions.

[@begr_wiedererkennungswert]

I was a good listener, people liked me. Then my kids and I were in a life threatening situation, and no one listened to me.

[@mayadove_7]

So sad and crazy how this happens. I’m sorry

[@begr_wiedererkennungswert]

@@mayadove_7 🧡

[@w0ahsam536]

:(

[@flamissia4]

Finally some helpful guidance on how to develop good friendships! I've had so much trouble with that for most of my life, and could never find any guidance. Thank you, Anna!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

I finally became intolerant to not having the friend that I am.....family member that I am. Tired of breadcrumbs when I give loaves

[@ErikaMaria-lw8en]

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Thank you from OZ. ❤

[@AA-wc3tw]

I recently realized that I live in the wrong place. I don't fit in where I live, and there aren't many like-minded people. So finding activities that I enjoy isn't easy, and then finding like-minded people isn't easy. I don't have the same lifestyle as most women my age in my area, and therefore I am in a minority. It's the same with dating. I swipe left on most people because their profiles contain dealbreakers or values that don't match my own--and I'm not going to change my values. I know I have problems making friends because of my past/personality/values/etc. But it's not 100% my fault. I live in the wrong place, too. I'm working on trying to move to another country where my family is located. Not only do I struggle to meet people, I also don't have family where I live, and it's incredibly difficult to be away from people who love and accept me for who I am. I know that my problems will follow me and that I'll have trouble meeting people in my new home, but at least I will have my family--something that has been missing for my entire life.

[@nolukewarm72]

Happy for you babes

[@333angeleyes]

Something that I realized is one of the MOST IMPORTANT factors of finding quality friends is the ENVIRONMENT! We meet most of our friends through work or school. Those are the same friendships that disappear once the person quits the jobs or graduates because most likely the environment forced you to be together. When you meet friends in environments that you both volunteer to dedicate your self to they last longer because of the reasons you are together; plus most likely you'll also share similar backgrounds and morals. Another thing about environment is it determines the quality of the person. People who volunteer to be in an environment such as church or supporting a homeless shelter will usually be of a higher moral quality, but at a job those environments don't care what the person's moral background is all it cares about is a person aptitude to work. Ultimately I agree with Anna 100% that we can only control our selves. We control what we bring to a friendship and how we handle that friendship. Nevertheless, there is the factor of the other person and sometimes no matter how much positivity, you bring to the friendship some people are just not at that stage where they're ready to be a good friend back to you. No judgment, because by the very fact we're on this channel it means that we have all been there at some time. It was just that at that time in our lifes we were not self-aware enough to realize that we were not as good of a friend as we thought we were. So now when a person who we'd thought was a good friend ghosts us or fades away because they no longer are working with us even after we try to reach out several times remember not to take it personal. I kept wondering why my friendships at work would disappear once a close friend would live. I realized it's because unfortunately they never were similar to me mentally or morally; it just seemed that way because we were forced to be together at work and of course it appeared we had a lot of commonalities but now I see 99% of those conversations were about work situations or other co-workers. Those environments helped delude me into mistaking common daily experiences with having commonality.

[@winebox]

The good friends that I had, died. The two left weren't good for me. They were from childhood and probably more messed up than I was. Had what I thought was a good friend but she quit speaking to me when I apparently had a thought that was different than hers. I had noticed a chilliness before when that happened but it was minor, but a preview of the current situation. But what do you know, she had a difficult childhood. I was excited to turn 60 and start going to the senior center but the pandemic happened and it shut down. Also should note that I have no immediate family. If it wasn't for my husband, I don't know what I would do.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Me too…. I miss my friends who died

[@GoldenHoli]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’m not sure why I needed this one so much, it seems so obvious when it’s laid out. I couldn’t have done it for myself. 💯🧡

[@bloombloom271]

Same!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Jeb9221]

I have trouble making friends. I really want to have more friends, but, I feel like I may be giving off some kind of aura that keeps people away. I'm extremely introverted, so maybe people think I'm cold. I can't be sure. People don't seem to want to call, text or get close to me. I did cut off some friendships that I felt were toxic. But, I honestly felt (still do) that they were a hindrance in my healing journey. I'm not in a place where I can hang out with toxic people and be unaffected. Healthy people are hard to find. Or, they exist but find me unapproachable.

[@IndiBex86]

I'm in the same situation. Tired of attracting narcs and traumatized people, yet healthy people aren't interested in me.

[@Jeb9221]

@@IndiBex86 Exactly, unhealthy people are attracted to me. I'm trying to examine myself closely and reflect on what kind of vibe I'm giving out. I know I have trouble making eye contact with people. I wonder if that has a significant impact on my inability to meet healthy people.

[@IndiBex86]

@Jeb9221 Eye contact is a major challenge for me too! It makes me so uncomfortable. I've also been exploring why I attract the wrong people. Part of it, I feel is that I do give off this CPTSD energy that others can feel (although I'm very private about my struggles) I think a big one for me is my tendency to people please / seek validation / and just being too nice. Lack of boundaries is also a major indicator for the wrong people, I've realized they test me out to see how easily they can cross my pretty much non-existent boundaries. I'm a narc magnet for sure. Working so hard to change all that and have healthier relationships.

[@susangrande8142]

@@IndiBex86Please, please, learn to put up those boundaries! With everyone! 🙏 The narcs will be repulsed and leave. You’re right; that’s how narcs work. They test your boundaries, and when they find you don’t have any, they move in and take (more) advantage of you. Healthy people will respect your boundaries.

[@karenhartman9774]

When I meet someone new, I set my boundary of “ Just please don’t call me before 9 am” and the narc will call every time just to test you. I kindly remind them of my unavailability before 9 am and I never hear from them again. It’s worked perfectly so far and saves so much time.

[@riledmouse4677]

I really, really appreciate that Ana doesn’t take sponsors on this channel. These videos would be so much less impactful if she took a break midway through to tell us about some ridiculous sponsor.

[@Aspetta11]

Agreed! Thanks Anna

[@reettaelina]

So hard. I hope all get out from bad company. Take care of you first, please. Only then you can help others.❤

[@roralyn]

Thank you Anna. This video reminded me that I am a good friend but always picked the wrong people in the past. I've learned to take things slow, but I'm a little scared of people trying to befriend me now because I still tend to view things through the lens of my past experiences.

[@LindyLouCantu]

This is all GREAT advice! Wow! It's like we're all supposed to just know this stuff--NOT! Thanks for these very specific and helpful tips; I can already feel that they will be a big game-changer!

[@lifesfluff]

I would like more on friendships.

[@alienonion4636]

Great advice. I'm adding to my playlist for help and healing.

[@RominaBetgevergiz]

What if you have done all this and than some, but you don't succeed in having productive relationships. I have discarded everyone peace of mind is much better than being in a wrong company.

[@rturney6376]

❤❤❤❤

[@sla1xyz]

I think there's probably one in maybe a thousand people that has friend potential that is really worth it. The superficial friendships are draining and exhausting to me. Protecting your peace is important but not being completely closed off is also important.

[@PowderLlamma]

Sounds like you did them a favor!

[@rturney6376]

@@PowderLlamma not nice. Is there I reason not to be kind and respectful on this thread?

[@PowderLlamma]

@They “discarded everyone “…talk to OP about the language of “discarding” people as if they’re trash. I’m not nice, I don’t know why you’d assume that I should be.

[@jaida9254]

Anna you are so amazing.. I have learned so much from watching these videos. Thank you for being a wonderful role model and all round amazing human being. I wish you were my friend. People like you are so rare to find and your friends are so lucky to have you x

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words towards Anna! Glad her videos are helpful for you! Nika@TeamFairy

[@traceychapman4825]

I’m meeting someone this morning with my kids and will try your suggestions. I think I have often picked the wrong friends for me

[@jackiek3407]

Many thanks for the video. Has made me realise, I have no friends. 🤷‍♀

[@freeme3853]

Yea me either and looking back the 30 year friendships i had were not friends at all just users that i have finally told to kick rocks do now ya know I tried going to church and i have too many issues for being a friend i mean i met a lady and she checks on me etc but some of my problems i dont think are her business and i dont like her answers to my troubles like i should ignore what my 19 year old son is doing with his life like ruining it and mind my own business and worry about myself sorry but thats my son and only child

[@RominaBetgevergiz]

Me eather I am 50 and have discarded every friends including parents and siblings. Peace of mind is more important .

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Me too 🎉

[@jackiek3407]

@@godzillamanstreb524 shame , isn’t it?

[@jackiek3407]

@@godzillamanstreb524 I am so sorry 🌷, but it’s not the end of the world

[@Jeanetteleuers]

Anna, very well said😊. All of that.

[@ivyfariassantos]

What a great video! Congratulations, Anna!

[@loisthiessen9134]

thank you! Wow, this is such wise advise counsel about how to make friends by BEING a friend. It's common sense, but to someone with CPTSD it is a life line of encouraging hopeful advice!

[@annettehankins3268]

Very good video - wish everyone could hear this!!

[@Auntigenjen]

Developing skills in CCF PLDP zoom /calls helps me so much-it's a good healing community.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're so happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@MC-rw2bk]

What is ccf ?

[@Auntigenjen]

Crappy Childhood Fairy-Anna Runkles' nomenclature and community, @@MC-rw2bk

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@ Crappy Childhood Fairy

[@taylora3830]

See I do the not talking about myself too much so then I’m always mirroring whatever the person I’m with is doing vs having a strong sense of self and bringing up my own topics

[@Crystalriverblue]

Everyone wants to be heard. At what point do you recognize where its a one way relationship? I have alot of takers in my life.

[@w0ahsam536]

you’re not alone in that 🖤

[@Jillrussell-mj4yw]

This all makes sense! Your videos are really so helpful to me on my healing journey. Thankyou for all you do ❤

[@drsusieg]

It takes 2-3 years to figure out who people really are. I will not trust until some time has passed. Turns out that people sometimes pretend to share my point of view only to surprise me a few years later with a confession that they don't agree at all. WTH?

[@aleoliva86]

We should not discuss controversial topics with friends. Politics, abortion, guns, religion. Just dont talk about it. If a friend tells me their view, I will pretend to agree not to loose the friendship.

[@RobRowan-l2p]

Yes that's right ✅️ My girlfriend had to educate me on that. I let my abuse guide my life. I'm 60 years old and now I have to make improvements. So I can have a healthy relationship with her. I had a crush on her in high-school. Lol Thank you.

[@Aetherfield]

@@aleoliva86That’s great if you want superficial friendships, but I don’t have the time or patience for “here today, gone tomorrow” friends.

[@bloombloom271]

If so, that is not friendship.

[@misslinda772]

Thank you for discussing this topic. Some of us are no longer living in our hometowns or living near family members. We need friends! But how does one go about fitting into a circle? ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

If you’re interested, Anna has a whole course on connecting with people called ‘Connection Bootcamp’. Here’s a link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection Nika@TeamFairy

[@Nee96Nee]

I'm a female in my mid 40's and kind of new to my area I have been here 3-4 years and have only 1 person I consider a friend. It seems as though it is harder to find friends in my 40's then in my younger years. I have/had one other person who could have been a friend but she's only talk and no action. "We should go to coffee" but doesn't reply to messages, said she would help me move when I had only 3 days to get everything moved, but ghosted me and still no word from her. So my biggest issue is where to find friends, I don't want to just go to bars to find friends or men to date. But I'm old school and work friends stay at work (until one or both stop working for the same company). Due to Amazon there's no longer a Barnes and Noble. I work graveyard hours so that makes things a bit more difficult as well. Most of my favorite activities you typically don't talk to others while doing them.

[@Crystalquartz964]

I lost 2 friends through divorce (they didnt want to continue the friendship when they met someone new) and then my other friend took her own life last November

[@bloombloom271]

I'm so sorry. This has to be indescribably hard. When I lost someone, I went numb. Deeply. In those places, I found sometimes there's no one there but Jesus, and nothing to do but to remain still. I remember being on a quest for light. Found that I couldn't make sense of anything. What helped was the small stuff. I remember asking, "So what is light?" It helped to busy myself with finding practical answers to basic, basic things, while my soul was parked in grief. However this sounds, to this day I'm grateful to God for Isaac Newton. He wrote a book on Light. Worked with prisms, the spectrum and such. I had the book in my hand and was looking through tears at the most glorious rainbow I had ever seen. The rainbow is light literally being *broken*. It's in the very meaning of the word refraction. Like when your life and your heart is broken. Light crucified. That rainbow has stayed with me.

[@mariGentle]

That's really hard ❤

[@Fuzzy77993]

I have taken a break from people who I thought were my friends it seem like I was always the one calling going out of my way for them thinking of them, but no one ever asked if I needed anything. I had a unexpected death in my family this year and a move at the same time. no one was there for me. No one offered to help in anyway, so I decided I had fake friends and now I wonder where do I find real friends that reach out and ask how can they help me or is there anything I need, I’m on my own.

[@dalmalifemore]

I’ve had dynamics where I am gaslighted to believe I’m the negative one so I consciously stayed very positive to the extreme that I couldn’t be myself I was always positive and then I noticed it was friends like this who were the most negative - it was projection and control - I think good relationships allow for both good and bad emotions if you’re forced one way or the other it’s not real.

[@francescocalemma]

What’s going on us social media, dating apps really has messed up a lot.

[@ShamikaLMoore]

Thank you Anna, for everything. You've helped me heal so much. 🖤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@worzi3]

There is no one worthy of investing the time to build a lasting friendship.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This sounds like a reflection of your state of mind (trauma-driven belief?), more than a description of people in general.

[@beverleyreid563]

I actually love the isolation. It really does not bother me. Plus people are way too phony and not genuine.

[@kcoburn126]

Perfect timing! Thank you so much!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@martamccurdy1379]

❤Thank you for this video.

[@Soundarya.e]

Abuse and neglect is toxic

[@valnadis8577]

I tried the 30 minute listening and only talk about them technique, and it didn't go as I hoped. I hadn't seen my friend for months and I was asking what he had been up to, and he said "Not much" then nothing. I did follow up questions about his new apartment, he had recently sent me pictures from a trip, how the new neighbourhood was, and so on. He kept giving short answers. I felt I had to nearly drag the answers out of him with force. I felt terrible afterwards! I did not feel like a good friend and it felt like he did not want to share anything with me. Maybe he is a unique case, because it works with no issues with other people I know. I do love listening to people. Maybe I just consider this friendship closer than he does.

[@Aetherfield]

He is not engaging for a reason. He doesn’t want the connection. We need to read the cues.

[@kathyingram3061]

~My ex-SIL calls me to talk pretty often, but its the same thing, i ask whats new, and how is everybody, and she just says, 'fine', and 'nothing much', so i end up exhausting myself to keep the convo going~Thats one thing i like about texting/email, it is easier to be a back & forth thing~

[@horseteethcowteeth]

@@kathyingram3061

[@potatochalbro]

Great video, thank you!

[@PowderLlamma]

Thank you Anna!!!!

[@attheranch873]

Starts at 2:27

[@denflow7788]

It is so much my problem... At my last workplace I had an employee that was molested by a multirecidivist... Then I had to cut off everyone, from not knowing who was there for the management. I was already avoidant and hyper independent, it has just made it worst...

[@post-monk671]

I needed this!

[@jamaicanstacks]

This is amazing information 👏👏👏

[@SpaztasticSheep]

Ana, what do we do if we are always the friend that shows up and is a good listener etc. but the friends we make don't listen to us or care about us? Is it just trial and error, cut off bad friends and keep trying? Or is there something we're doing wrong?

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks for sharing

[@laurafahey542]

Yeas yet I have a lot of fb friends frm growing up in south fla. I’m so grateful yes my friends up here in p.a. We’re all addicts my supposed to be was an addict which I didn’t no for I wasn’t till after we had met . Now I’m cleaning n gave a wonderful man .

[@SirenaSpades]

Gosh we need this one

[@Amy.Munson34]

Being a thoughtful person is very easy for me, I enjoy seeing others happy the sad thing is no one returns it 😢even those closest to you. And then I just close up I feel so triggered and sad and don’t want to talk or anyone or have anyone close the trauma creeps back the cycle is exhausting

[@toothpastehombre]

Good tips, bit of an oversimplification for some lived experiences. One traumatic event and an entire group can become Fairweather and distant. Isolation sets in. Weeks, months and years go by - contact drops to zero. Now what? Health and financial struggles box the isolation further in. Doubt overwhelms, shame paralyzes and faith becomes fallow. It has been so long (years) that even a coffee or bowling activity seems foreign. Genuinely do not know how to initiate. At this age, it feels like a genuine lost cause, cost outweighs the benefit

[@Aetherfield]

I think the best way is to participate in community activities, and mingle. It’s not easy buy you may find a like-minded person who wants connection with someone like you.

[@caffeineaddict5124]

You are awesome

[@in_uruguay]

I needed this badly

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jacquizbak]

Active listening I learned early in life as I practiced being the friend I alwayz wanted ~ yet it also made me an emotional garbage can that started with family we need learn 2b our own best friend & then will know exactly what/how it feels & will know how we need to love/value/respect ourselves first b4 we can share anything genuine with another eh😮😢🎉😅❤😂

[@attheranch873]

Thank you

[@yallcrazy302]

I had friends that my one friend warned me were users. But I had no one else to hang out with in college. I stayed in touch a bit with 1 after college but they’re all gone now. I spent hours basically reteaching them material from class, but at least it helped me study too. Now I’ve got no one.

[@1T3NDYBRIGHTLIGHTS]

I'm pretty ok with the people in my life. I dont go out specifically looking to "make" friends. Let's face it- I'm weird. I'm an oddity. And the very few times I connect with someone, I know it's not going to last. So I'm done trying. People I thought were my friends really turned out to not be friends at all. Just hypocritical people that don't really care. Not all of them, but most. So that sucks. But whatever. And yep I did have a drug problem. Just because someone does thats not a reason to write them off. We need people too. We're not inherently bad, so I encourage you all. If you meet someone who has/ had an addiction- it doesn't mean you need to abandoned them. We have feelings too. We hurt when people leave. Just another person who we thought were our friends turns out to be someone who is like everyone else who lied to us. So yeah it's perpetual and it opens all the wounds up again. Don't give someone false hope. That's worse than cutting someone off.

[@CaroleWebster-x2s]

Just a thought but would it help by meeting potential friends at a recovery group setting or church or volunteer services?

[@noreenhostetler4531]

So 😢get this ❤ I can count on a few from child hood. Count on 1 hand

[@HelenLowe-pg8tv]

These are really good ideas and food for thought. But are you saying that if all your friendships seem kind of shallow and not supportive that you should ditch all of them?

[@gardenstatesowandsew]

Thank you ❤

[@KKKKAAAARRRRYYYYNN]

I make friends at the dog park. You have to go somewhere regularly so they can get to know you and trust you. senior center, walk around your block, church etc. Where are you going to find people? Someone in the comments said that people don't want to sit and have tea and talk about life. There are lots of people that do want to sit and talk. Broaden your horizons make friends with some older folks than you or younger.

[@CB-ei6ez]

1. Recognizing toxic narcissist behavior 2. Respecting each others boundaries 3. Time commitment to hang out

[@N3ssa212Linda]

Everything you stated in the beginning is relatable how can I find more resources?! 2:00

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You can find resources here on our website: bit.ly/CCF-Courses :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@TheHi-T]

Before the pandemic, for many years, I attended a social, recreational meetup group. We celebrated each other's birthdays.The closest person in the group to me I greeted him Happy Birthday at the meetup. His response was "In the future, I will not greet you Happy Birthday because your birthday is not posted on social media." I brushed it off as him having a rare bad day. After the pandemic, we & the social group are no longer in touch. It is such a shame.

[@akferren1]

Plandemic

[@akferren1]

Plandemic

[@allheartandsong]

The truth is that people are takers. People will be your friend if you are popular or have property for their kids to run on or stuff. They dont want to sit and have tea and talk about life. They want stuff and fame..

[@rturney6376]

Do you live in LA? Try volunteering and making friends there.

[@CaroleWebster-x2s]

It May be easy to chat with people during some activity like Anna says, bowling, or tennis, golf. It's a little difficult to chat over tea about life but could ease into it during a bicycle ride or something?

[@aschmidt3641]

I grew up with 2 narc parents so I’m drawn to people who treat me like I’m invisible, who don’t ask about me or even acknowledge my existence. I offer them support and either get none in return or it’s smothering. I’m trying so hard to change 😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Meandmymirror]

As a Scorpio I am pretty choosy about the people I spend time with so when I connect with somebody, I really don’t understand what happens when I fail. I’ve had at least four friends in the last 20 years just completely ghosted me. I wish I could figure out what I do wrong. I’m a really good listener, but I do have problems with giving advice. That’s because I like to get advice from other people so I assume they like to receive it. Another problem is my memory. I struggled with remembering people’s family situations, and jobs and details about their lives. I pay attention in the moment and only listen. I just don’t retain.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I try to make friends but there is always a disagreement that ruins it.. sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with people.. sad😢..