Crossdressing! Trans Women Some Caution About Feminizing From GENDER SPECIALIST!

[@abigaelbouchard7897]

OMG, I cried all the video. 😭 You described 30 years of my life struggling with my gender identity from age 20 to 50 when I was crossdressing privately when I was alone. I can remember at least 3 times that I have done “purge” of my very feminine clothing. As you said, the feeling of crossdressing was awesome but after the climax I got ashamed and guilty of what I am. I was not understating who I was and why I was doing that. Too much time before going to see a psychiatrist and sexologist specialized which transgender peoples. I finally discovered in 2019 that I am a non-binary transfeminine. I have done my coming-out in summer 2019 and started HRT in last March. Since January 2020, I live fulltime with feminine clothing and I never felt so well in my life as now. I agree, life is too short to not live as you are. Do not wait 50 years to become who you are! Thanks again Dr Z, you are amazing!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear you experienced this feelings. So glad to hear you are on a path to your true self.

[@diasavia246]

Luved to read ur storyyy, keep doing you

[@sabrinascott9302]

me to

[@matildab2231]

I'm 53 and have loved crossdressing since I was 4 or 5. If I didn't look like Chewbacca then perhaps I would try living as Leia. Done plenty of purging over the years. Been lucky enough to have been open with 3 out of 8 of my girlfriends, who were/are supportive. It's a tough existence, but we ain't breaking rocks in the sun, eh!? Love and respect to you all! xXx

[@nebulouschannel8922]

"Binging and purging" and "climax" from cross dressing is tell tale sign of autogynephilia. Google Dr Blanchards typology.

[@jacobdaly689]

“I don’t want you to live even one more minute not as your true self.” Thank you Dr. Z I really needed to hear that this morning

[@DRZPHD]

Glad you found video supportive.

[@Stinkini]

watching this hurts my heart. i've recently come out as trans nonbinary and the only thing i wish to see is all my trans sisters to be comfortable in who they are and how they present themselves. :-(

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@beach-butterfly]

There are tears in my eyes this was such a mood. Happens far less than it did, but I've dumped a fortune into the bin in shame and self loathing over the years. I have especially had to struggle with the idea that wearing a wig is correcting a minor physical fault the same as wearing glasses and not me playing pretend, thinking about transitioning when you already have low self esteem is a minefield.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your pain.

[@sydglover4842]

will your videos be still valid for a fifteen year old?

[@beach-butterfly]

@@sydglover4842 Dr Z deals primarily with adult patients, but many of the issues discussed are the same or similar, the content is professionally presented if that is what you are asking, but does not replace contacting a specialist in your area.

[@sydglover4842]

@@beach-butterfly o.k thank you :) Sorry about the late reply

[@ciel1083]

I just needed to realise that strangers already see me as female. Before I would even wear makeup or try to look feminine people would "correct" themselves when they hear me speak. If the world already seems as female without effort than I shouldn't worry and open my eyes to how everyone else sees me and love the person they love.

[@andrieasmith2648]

Im 23 and i've been questioning for some time, and while I definitely feel great when dressing in feminine clothing, I have felt this fear of "all or nothing". It been the primary thing holding me back. I see a Gender therapist next week, and i'm glad I found this video, its releasing to know that what I'm feeling is normal and not a sign of a mistake being made. Thank you for making these videos, they mean the world to some!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and I am so glad you will be working with gender therapist who should help you sort things out.

[@stacylangmore8328]

I cried so many times during and after watching this video. Everything you mentioned in this video, I was doing for all of my life. After years of denial, I “come out” to my wife 2 days ago, that I am a trans person. In 10 years of relationship with her, I could not be truly myself. She was however understanding and accepted me. I want to thank you Dr. Z. Your videos were eye opening and helped me realize that denial was slowly killing me. 3 months ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. At this point, it seems all of that has gone. I am a happy trans girl now. Thank you.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad the content is helpful.

[@garyvaughn207]

I am 49 and will be 50 in two weeks. This is exactly how I’ve been acting for years especially now that I am going through a divorce. I’m on my on for the first time and able to explore myself.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@MSKesler]

I was guilty of purging my feminine wardrobe one time in my younger years. It was the product of negative religious influences, but mostly, the result of the era I grew up. Those of us who are older had no support in those days; no internet, no resources, no available help. There wasn't even any discussion of the topic, as it largely didn't exist. Therefore, it was a rather hopeless outlook on life. The younger generation is so lucky to be growing up with the support system they now have: such as caring therapists like yourself! One can only hope that the outlook for future generations will continue to improve. I would never purge like that any more. With age, experience, and wisdom, I recognize that its who I am, and a critical part of my identity.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@nebulouschannel8922]

Purging is part of autogynephilic instability, a fight between the "man side" and "woman side"

[@BeccaBecca71]

Thku I also grew up religious, I have purged about 5 times? (About 5- 10 years apart cycle] before internet - minus 1, until I got out of my head to see a therapist - and that was only 2017 ... so I'm forging new boundaries so close to that cycle of change So, I'm kind of bulking up on feminine energy and HRT consistency

[@brllezamalezama4692]

If this becomes big with a few more years, all the men will wear dresses and skirts. There are no more men on this planet... without hurting Feelings ...I also want to try

[@alisabristleface]

Now that is a very strange fantasy!​@@nebulouschannel8922

[@feistygheisty]

I never threw anything out but I absolutely felt this. It's hard to put in so much work shaving and doing makeup only for the smile to slowly drop off your face when you're done and you feel like all your effort was for nothing. And the hopelessness comes (at least for me) from feeling like your face "ruins" whatever you want to do.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Korva_Avia]

my face 😔

[@feistygheisty]

@@Korva_Avia wow I forgot I left this comment. I can't believe how much my confidence has grown since even writing this a year ago. Things can get better.

[@courtneywillette1480]

I'm 46 years old and this is actually where I'm at in life.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@courtneywillette1480]

@Arnold Wilson It's way more than that, plus I have many toys.

[@mariasanchez-najor9603]

@. Watch the video :)

[@tula1433]

You need to Google transvestic fetishism and autogynephilia before u throw ur life as a heterosexual man away. You aren’t an actual transexual

[@jenniferbraun2491]

When I started crossdressing, I thought I would never pass, so I accepted it. I dressed for years in private and often dressed only. No makeup. I liked the feel of dresses and, like your said, I was hyper feminine, but always assuming I couldn't pass. In school, girls always told me I had great cheekbones, but I paid no mind. After years of dressing only, I discovered makeup. I watched tutorials on YT, shaved my beard (it's heavy) and did my best. When I finished, as bad as it was, I could easily see an attractive woman in there. This is what got me to seek professional guidance. After talking with a gender therapist and a psychiatrist, I started HRT and my breasts immediately responded. It's like they were waiting for a sign to go! I never would have transitioned believing I couldn't pass. My awakening was when I realized I would pass in society. I don't need to be beautiful, but I do need to pass, undetected, to have the life I want as a woman. I waited 30+ years because I assumed I couldn't look feminine enough. Today, the ONLY regret I have is I waited far too long to be me. I've been a woman, officially, for over 5 years and I have truly loved every minute of it. It's not always wonderful, but I AM always a woman and that's enough for now. Stay beautiful. Jennifer 💋👠💄

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@olddragqueen]

Very good explanation! I have talked to friends that "don't have a chance" trying to get them to see that they look like a football player in a dress. (back when I was young I was a real doll!) Now I'm 75 and look like an old man in a dress. So I have changed my mode to being "man that wears frilly clothes." What I am most amazed about is how much things have changed in the past ten years!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@patandersen4271]

I subbed to your channel. You still look nice the tutus are pretty.

[@white_ninja9828]

I recently had the exact same feeling. My friend did my makeup and helped present as feminine, and I absolutely hated my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t have the courage to tell my friend, since I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. That was some really good advice, and a really good explanation for what I was feeling. Thank you so much for this video!

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry you experienced this.

[@tinapohl542]

I think this is something ftm transgender people also experience. As a genderfluid person, the first time I tried on mens clothing I felt so ashamed and insufficient, it was bad. Now I wear mens boxers very often under my female pants and while it makes me happy and proud, I also feel a deep sadness everytime I look in the mirror or whenever my husband sees me like that. It triggers my dysphoria to see the female body in it, the shape of my hips and that typical female fat in that area that makes it look so different from what my husband looks in his underwear. So the feeling of being insufficient is still very strong.. Thank you for your videos, I always look forward to seeing them on fridays!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and yes! A 100% relevant to trans man, or anyone really who is gender non conforming! I generally find this a bit more with trans women but definitely something I see as well in others too. Thank you for bringing this up.

[@beverleydawn7336]

Thank you so much, "Transphobia" a new word for me. Explains so much what I have been going through for so many years. Its where I have been all my life. I do have a special person inside me that has begged my male self to let her out. It has been an awful way to go through my life. Once more I have ordered Beverley some new clothes; I hope she will be able to wear them without my male ego's ridicule judgment and scorn... its been a terrible struggle. Wish me luck. Please keep yourself safe during this covid crisis, we need you in our lives. Your a wonderful voice of reason.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and for wishing me well. Be safe too.

[@patandersen4271]

I wish you luck @Beverley Dawn stay strong and don't listen to the male voice you deserve to feel good and look good.

[@adrianafab6736]

When crossdressed I use to feel like that but as I started to play with outfits and study women's fashion more intently, I found that instead of focusing on the whole body, just focusing on small parts that look feminine gave me relief. Eventually I started putting these different areas together into larger areas. I'm 6 foot and over 200lbs so it's hard finding the right combo of clothes that can make you happy. For me cardigans, skinny Jeans and booties can really get me looking femme. Just need permission from the fiance to shave (she like the beard to much) and I would feel confident enough to go explore a park! Lol But I agree 100% that small steps and patience with yourself is key!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. Yes, unless one can handle it, small gradual steps is the key and way to go.

[@tula1433]

Transvestic fetishim autogynephilia male

[@dinahnicest6525]

Yes! Easing into it in increments is the way to go. I married late in life (44). I wanted a family more than I wanted to be the kind of woman I had ever succeeded in being, so I quit. But the woman was still in me, so gradually I had to let her out. Before I was married, I was trying to be this woman, and failing. When I got married, I stopped trying to be anyone other than my true self. Eventually I realized I had a lot more typically female traits than male. Trying to be a woman wasn't my mistake. I was trying to be the wrong woman. The woman I am now grew from what was always inside of me. I'm the denim skirt and jersey dress girl that most girls grow up to be once they outgrow the allure of trying to be a glamor girl.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you found yourself.

[@bohemianwriter1]

Since my 1sr 'outing' as my female self for a weekend event for crossdressers and transpeople 5 years ago in England, I found that I pass quite well...Was told by a hotel staff on the morning of my departure that I looked better as a woman than a man. As I was wobbling down the stairs on flat heeled mae's shoes, in my only male change of clothing I wore before my first proffessional makeover. All inprivate. That day my last night in England before flying back north, I felt that my male clothes was 'crossdressing' in itself. My next three trips during the next 18 months affirmed these feelings. Coming back and play the game of masquerade in male form as who and what people know me as has been a literal pain in the neck. Now, I'm trying to come to terms internally before letting my close ones know that my crossdressing goes much deeper: That I can finally put to words what has been my burde for decades. Guilt and shame is the name of the energies I need to purge before anything else...As my kundalini surges from the depts of my shaktic pelvic bowl up my spines..

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@TomoTaimu]

I have experienced this exact same problem where I tried on a dress, looked at myself in the mirror and felt ashamed of myself and I haven't worn a dress since. It's a very relieving feeling knowing that this didn't just happen to me. Great video!

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@whisperwalrus4050]

I thought this was a very thoughtful and nice video! A word to people just starting on their journey of affirming their identity, or starting transition... if you maintain a hopeful and positive attitude, you will not believe what is possible! I felt like passing as a cis woman would be impossible for me. I am 6'2" tall and grew up angry and bitter. Now I am a charming and feminine woman that passes constantly. Even at my work, only 2 people even know I am transgender. Hormones are absolutely magical. And working on your personality and projecting femininity with your mannerisms and voice can do so much. Don't limit yourselves to just changing your physical appearance, gender is much more than that! And you got this! You can all do great if you stay hopeful

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and for additional support you offered. I agree, its what you put into it that matters.

[@lucisamudratira9345]

Ya. This video addressed that so well! My first recent event of crossdressing led me to the latter group reaction. When talking about it to my best friend (wife at the time), she flipped out and that just reinforced the transphobia. That was crushing and had me doubting my competency in making any rational decision in life. But later, after coming to grips with the inner and Divine Feminine in me, I got the courage to do it again. This time, I went with my intuition and took photos of me. Now, understand, I didn't shave or pluck any body hair, either time, and I had nothing to help "look the part" except my long hair and inflected demeanor while in the clothing. But, the second time, I kept repeating to myself "Don't judge! See the real you! This is real!". The photos, I think, were my way of having proof that it's not fake or me getting drawn into a social "fad". I look at them and see a step toward celebration, rather than humoring my secret self.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and glad you allowed your inner feminine come through again. She deserves and needs to be seen! Just be kind to yourself.

[@melodymp2844]

I am 63. I figured out things were wrong at 3. I tried show this to my mom then, and was shut down. I dressed in my older sister's clothing in secret for some years, as relief perhaps, but concretely as a means of proving my sincerity to whatever higher power might exist that I was begging at the time that I was serious about wanting to be changed into a girl. Once I hit puberty, the incongruity of the image started to hit me, got really bad, and I stopped. Didn't try again until age 60, after I'd lost 150 pounds, began HRT, and been on it for a year. And I STILL had to win this battle :) I am one of those "NFL Lineman" people whose mask of masculinity was taken to an extreme. I ended up letting myself go because I while I didn't precisely want to kill myself with all that comes with that, and I'd failed to die by sheer physical peril from a 20 year military career...I didn't want to live either. Massively overweight 6'2" 324 lbs, massive health problems. Actual suicide attempt. Join gym, lose half my body weight, therapy, hrt. Socially transitioned for 3 years now. 170 lbs 6'1" (lost an inch, HRT can make you shorter. Lost 3 shoes sizes too. This with starting HRT at 59). I pass in public without a problem. Name is changed. I am a girly girl :) Excellent health. 2 days ago, I bought my first swim dress after being invited to a beach trip in the upcoming year and was complimented quite a bit on how it looks on me. I am a "tall drink of water", apparently :) ALL that...condensed as the telling was...took TIME. If this is you...give yourself TIME. You can figure it out. You can do it. I would post pics for the impact of the transformation but this isn't the place. But if I can do it...at this age, from where I was to where I am, anyone can do it. :)

[@bardwiththeeternalluck7087]

Dr Z, you spoke in this video with such heart-felt sympathy, compassion and understanding, I love it. I'm lucky to be a girl who likes to dress in more gender neutral style, and easier to pass as my gender identity, but I also experience internalized transphobia occassionally as you mentioned in this video. Thank you so much for this education and your kind words!💖

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best. (Hey no camera shake here :))

[@sethgno1274]

wow. this video helped me realized i was stuck in this cycle, not just for crossdressing, but for everything i have built up in my ego

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful.

[@snakedevil4597]

I've been struggling for years with my gender dysphoria and I've seen multiple therapists but I wish that only one would have had the knowledge and compassion like you do. Thank you so much for encouraging and giving hope ❤️

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you so much. Means a lot to me.

[@fivefingered]

Thank you for this video. It basically describes my entire life. So much shame in my teens and then cycle of binging/purging. Once I realized those feelings were never going away, I stopped purging but that didn’t stop the shame. Cross dressing always follows a pattern for me. Dress up after a long withdrawal and feel great. Then subsequent times would feel more “normal” and less euphoric for me, but that was also nice. Then I would start seeing myself negatively in the mirror and hating myself for being “a man in a dress”, this leading to another long withdrawal from it all. Today I’m trying to be more open and gradual with it, but the shame still haunts me and I still feel like I’m doing something wrong at times. Ugh!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. That transphobic toxic shame, coming from societal views is sometimes hard to get rid off. I wish you well.

[@margaretpepper3550]

Another great video. I can certainly relate to your remarks...I had always wanted to wear women's clothes, but thought that dressing up was exactly that....lipstick, makeup, high heels, etc...But when It came to transition I decided instead of dressing up I would dress down, & it worked like clockwork. When I'm out locally, or indeed in town, I usually wear an old raincoat, always flat shoes, carry an Asda bag, wear no makeup whatsoever, & people just look through me...the grey hair helps also!! In fact, on the tube, gentlemen will often offer me a seat..."wanna seat love?" to which I reply..."oh, yes, thank you very much"... for which I am most grateful, since the tube is packed like sardines & like an oven in summer... I think some people find it hard to pass is because someone of 60 dresses like someone of 18, which looks silly whoever does it....as I say to my friends..a girl of 20 has had 20 years of female programming, but you haven't...

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@sarahr620]

Been there and done that over 15 years. I'm now just over one year into transition, name change done ( end of 2019 } and living full time. looking back I feel fortunate that when I would purge it was never for very long and I never threw any clothes away unless I'd worn them out. I've watch a few of your videos now and they have helped when I've doubted myself, Thanks

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and glad the content is helpful.

[@audiepeterson3118]

Great video, ive been crossdressing since my teens and have been through all of this. Now my 2 daughters know and are very supportive of me and ive never been happier except the fact that i still dont go out dressed, i just do it at home.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@Genevieve111]

Audie... Closeted myself. S.O. knows but not very accepting. Would love to have the confidence to be free... Edit: one year later (03.17.22) I am out of the closet. All imortant peeps in my life now know that I'm a Trans Lesbisn. S.O. (Wife) passed away Oct. '21. Six months after coming out to her, she was okay with my feminine side. You should really try to find the confidence to step out the door as the Woman that you are... it's a wonderful feeling. 🥰 Gen ♥️

[@andrya20]

So it's cross dressing good or bad ? I am a beginner, so your experience would give me some confidence, please reply🙏

[@brianmccarthy8732]

I am still closet. I love being dressed as a woman. I dress up as much as I can. I have a shopping problem but I do it in person. No amazon or google. I love how I look. Think I am passable. It’s my voice I need to work on. As matter of fact plan on going out next week in public day time for first time.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you feel comfortable! Thats fantastic and have fun being yourself.!

[@patandersen4271]

Congrats!! so happy for you Brianna.

[@cyberzombie038]

Having an androgynous body, I always had mixed feeling regardless what clothes I wore. I look butch if I wear male clothing unless it's baggy but if I fully crossdress, it's hard for me to overlook the more masculine parts of my body. But later on I found a happy medium wearing both male and more moderate women's clothing. Though dresses are still a no-go for me until I develop a more effeminate figure.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing!

[@floria9565]

Thank you Dr. Z for being so open-minded, caring and supportive. I think I've figured myself out for a while now but I always watch your new videos nevertheless. Not everything that you say specifically applies to me but it often does. Today it does. The first times I've crossdressed as a kid I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not liking it. I remember feeling that I looked like a boy in girl's clothes and being disappointed by that. When I started crossdressing as an adult and looked in the mirror I felt the same. I somehow still feel the same 6 months after having figured my real gender but I don't tell myself that I see a man in a dress in the mirror. Instead I tell myself that I see someone that looks like one. I'm happy and lucky that I have the mental predisposition to understand very clearly and easily the distinction between sex and gender and not having to deal with the eternal cycle of self doubt. As a result, I understand when I look in the mirror that I'm not a man but I still see someone who looks like one and that still hurts. I've purged many times too.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and it sounds like you have a great perspective on your experiences.

[@nicklee5809]

Hi Dr Z. Thanks for your channel and this video. I am in my late 50's and have only come to realise my feminine side this year. Discovering Vinted (in the UK) was a great place to get access to cheap (pre loved) women's clothes to experiment with. More by accident than design (i guess) I have already been wearing panties and stockings instead of pants and socks for months before I decided to try corss dressing. I have never thought myself handsome or good looking. I have never liked my reflection and tend to ignore and avoid mirrors until last week when I dressed up with a full makeup. I have never had the reaction that I had upon seeing my full reflection. I was looking at a beautiful woman and it was me. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. words fail me, I was like Narcissus. I felt pretty (not handsome) which is a first for me and i couldn't stop looking at my face. The polar opposite of what I do as a man. Where I go from here I dont know. but I am not the same as I was before and im not sure there is any going back. So I guess i'm going to have to deal with the problems and myriad trans issues that others go through. Why couldn't this have happened in my twentys or thirtys, why did I wait till now!

[@jessinichi]

I've gone through this cycle a few times. A few weeks ago I bought some new feminine clothes. I generally avoid mirrors like the plague in everyday life - even to the point of brushing my teeth every day in the shower, in the dark, or with my eyes closed, so I don't have to see this strange person staring at me. For some reason, however, I HAD to look at myself in the mirror after putting on my clothes. I saw the monster in the mirror again, but something was different this time. I covered the lower half of my face, and it wasn't so bad. I shaved my beard for the first time in 20 years to see if it would help. It didn't, and almost made things worse. But this time I leaned in and looked more closely, and started to think of ways I could maybe make a difference - pluck my eyebrows, lose some weight (that's a big one), etc. It gave me a little hope, and I refrained from throwing everything in a box in the closet this time. I've been wearing the feminine clothes most days, since I work from home, and find myself dreading having to change out of them to leave the house. A few days ago I looked down at my chest and thought to myself "Dang, my tits look amazing right now." A minute later, it hit me - that was the first time, at 37 years old, that I have ever had a truly positive feeling about any part of my body. That singular moment was eye-opening, and puts so many things into perspective. Thank you so much for this channel. I only found it yesterday, and it has been such an amazing help.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your pain. What you describe is common for many. Avoiding mirrors is also a big one.

[@mikaelaswanson5014]

Wow your so bang on! This is how I used to feel when started crossdressing, it was that overbearing wrongness, pervert, judgemental bs society created that made me feel bad and honestly delayed my transition for at least 28yrs I knew how I felt when I was 14 xdressing for 1st time, 40 was the age I finally got courage to do anything about it 😊 thanks great video

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear you felt this way.

[@RavenRachelSteele]

Thank you so much for this video. I went through the cycle of purging for many years, from my teenage years when I started buying my own feminine clothes right up until I was in my early forties. Although I loved wearing the clothes seeing myself in the mirror always made me sad and I’d eventually throw everything away and tell myself I would never do it again. A few months later I would start buying clothes again. When I reached the age of 45 I was quite depressed because of it and felt I had to do something so I visited a makeover service. I was surprised how nice I looked when professionally styled. It boosted my confidence enough to start going out dressed and not being so ashamed of how I looked. I ended up training to be a makeup artist which I really loved. I’m now in my 50’s and I still suffer from internalized transphobia but love having a night out as my femme self and haven’t purged for maybe 10 years. I still don’t know if I am transgender or just a cross dresser? Sometimes I think I’m transgender other times I just feel like I’m crazy 😕 I don’t know if I will ever really know or fully understand myself. Thank you for your videos 💖

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@BeccaBecca71]

That mirror! Me too! Look at your running legs, ? Thku for sharing As beautician, do you wax? I am learning

[@bradleyvanderwesthuizen4271]

Thank you so much Dr. Z for this video! Ive gone through this just recently but it had to do with my x not allowing my kids to see me because i told her that I was going through transition. I came out in 2015 but said I wasn’t going to transition through absolute fear. I’ve gone through mixed feelings in looking at myself in the mirror after cross dressing but it’s very positive over all. I didn’t order online but went into shops and purchased women’s clothing and make up. I believe you need to push through these huge steps. I’m 45 so I identify big time!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@patandersen4271]

So happy for you!! stay strong.

[@maiahenderson3542]

I feel like I fall into both categories in this video, and I really appreciate your talk on this topic because the times when I feel that shame and internalised transphobia really had sowed a lot of doubt like "am I really trans/ trans enough or am I just a effeminate man" or "I'll never pass" or it makes me feel like I need to repress my identity even more etc. On the contrary the times when I feel really amazing and affirmed by wearing feminine clothing I don't even care that I wouldn't pass, it just feels so good to see myself being true to myself. Thank you for all your videos they have been really helping me to understand my feelings and love myself more ❤️

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad the content is helpful.

[@monytontana5184]

DR Z... you've helped me so much! I'm seeing a therapist weekly...but in the meantime, I watch your videos. You always cover topics that I would have never thought to bring up at my therapy. You're helping me become who I was supposed to be all along, and I really appreciate you doing these videos! =)

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and glad the content is helpful. I encourage you to bring things up in therapy, that's what that space is for.

[@cathopreicon]

Dr Z you are helping us understand ourselves so well and bringing us so much comfort and hope!!! I had no idea that internalised transphobia was a thing until you explained it, and now each time i feel that prickling me, I can recognise and understand what is happening. Finally after 20 years i can understand that i am allowed to transition. Thank you Dr Z, I swear the work you are doing is saving people's lives out here!!! Sending so much positive power to you from Nottingham, UK!!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and so glad you find it helpful.

[@mariasanchez-najor9603]

@. I think she is referring to the audience's shared gratefulness, not just hers :)

[@alanfox5318]

Yes, the 1st time I put on a dress, I looked and said “I’m just a man in a dress”. But it still felt right. Be true to yourself. If you’re not a supermodel as a man, you’re not going to be a supermodel as a woman. Especially the 1st time you walk in heels. For me, I’ve always been an observer of people. So I went back on what I’ve learned. People come in all sizes, body types, and appearances. And no matter where you land, someone will find you attractive. So I made a list of the things I didn’t like about my appearance, and set forth in changing them. I also understand completely that this is a long process, and it takes patience. And a ton of it. Stay on corse, stay focused on your what makes you happy, and stop comparing yourself to others. It took me a bit of time, but I found a style of clothing that fits my body type. Therefore it makes me look more feminine. Despite popular belief, not everyone can look stunning in anything. I have also been working hard on my physical shortcomings, while improving my physical assets. I still have a long way to go, but I have already came so far ahead. So keep things as realistic as possible, and your expectations will be met. I’m 53yo. Been working on this for about a year. It’s hard to erase 52 years of manhood over night. Thank you, and wish you all the best of luck in finding your true self.

[@michaelmurer1377]

This lady is amazing. I’m out nearly 3 and half weeks. I have big disco nails. Wear makeup. Organise everything. Great pics and then I looked in the mirror. It’s purely my face. I regressed for a few days but now I’m staying strong. That trans phobic inner voice calls me unnatural etc. I try to ignore it.

[@DRZPHD]

The voice is often a critical part of you and a part of society you integrate and yes, ignore it.

[@nicholasbullock9276]

Hi Dr. Z. I can *really* relate to this. I identify as a transgender person and I’m going on 19 years old now. I did a crossdressing purge when I was 15 years old. Got it all shipped to my home, put it on, enjoyed it a lot privately in my bedroom on several occasions (where I have no mirrors). It was really great and felt like home. One night I was home alone and went to the bathroom, still in my crossdressing clothes and saw myself in the mirror and I felt disgusted. It was that way because my masculine face didn’t match the feminine clothes, all the body hair was giving me Dysphoria and it felt so strange. I’m not sure if I felt more like a boy in girls clothes or a girl with a boys face and body hair. It was so strange. I put all the clothes in a box and threw it away the night before the trash trucks came (so my mom wouldn’t see it in the trash the next morning). Well… I went on to drop another $300 on crossdressing clothes about a year or so later. I came back to it despite that experience, and I think that says a lot for the better. I still wanted to do it after the shock. Anyway, I totally relate.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear you have experienced this.

[@arynnenicholson8867]

When she got to the "cross dressing purge" I immediately started crying. I've been certainly having those thoughts lately, about going and buying a cute outfit even though I've just barely started my journey. Taking it slow and loving yourself gradually is a heavy wisdom that hit me so hard. My gender expression has always been very feminine and I kept it very closeted as I would only express alot of that through video games and internet spaces where I could be "myself" without having to face scrutiny. Now that I've come to terms with my femininity, I really just want to embrace it, even though I'm still in a male body.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes be kind to your body and to yourself.

[@nebulouschannel8922]

You're talking in third person referring to your woman side. Classic autogynephilia. Cross dressing purges are a sign of autogynephilia.

[@tinaann3323]

I’m so sorry this is so late. But be strong! Do not through out your clothes. Instead, tell yourself “ you’ll take them to good will or something later” . And store them until your ready. I just wish I had it to do over again. I would have started as soon as I could.(without my own excuses) once I started hrt, the race was on to do more!

[@Dominolittle]

Ms. Nicholson it's OK to want this . It's very natural . Once you let her out you will totally understand it's alright to be her . I support you completely. Hugs Domino

[@ericbwolf]

Even after coming out, my sense of style evolved so quickly that I'd order something from Amazon, return it to get a better fit, but by the time I got the right fit, I didn't want it any more. I was thrilled to recently find out that I still love my short skorts. I expect the purge to continue as my sense of style evolves further.

[@spunts144]

Try not to cry. Cry a lot. A lot of both. My parents getting into a huge fight with me over it. They found my stash of female clothes and personal items and threw them all away when I was gone for a weekend. Ten years later I feel robbed and sick of looking at myself. Thank you for your advice Dr. Z

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your pain.

[@krystikitten9336]

Hang in there girl! Just remember to exist for you and no one else. Believe in yourself even tho we tread where very few have gone and everyone else is afraid of who we are. I read a quote in a recent monograph that said “in a world that is very much heterosexist, patriarchal and misogynistic, I firmly believe that being trans is resistance” - Lucky S. Michaels

[@rachelsykes1526]

Been there more than once. I choose everyday to be me and happy with me. That is my everyday purpose so now I don't see the "man in a dress". I see a beautiful woman living her true life!

[@DRZPHD]

Thats fantastic.

[@patandersen4271]

God bless you Rachel.

[@patandersen4271]

I subbed to your channel.

[@rachelsykes1526]

@@patandersen4271 Thank you very much!!

[@RachelLouiseSwann]

Doctor Z, thank you for all you do. It is truly amazing how many of the stages we go through. I have been that crossdresser who purged - not just once, but twice (and never since then). I've been disowned by my siblings, and for a while at least, I was accepted by my mother, only for her to change her mind and harden her view that dresses are for girls and women, and certainly not someone like me. She's older now, and I have gotten to the point where I have semi-retired from work and my new role will not require me to see people in a work environment. It still amazes me that certain groups were not criticised (nor do I think they should be) but trans men and women were absolutely hammered....labelled as all kinds of nasty words. Or they are a figure of fun, in the way my mother and family would think about it. Nine months ago, after several years of 'social transitioning' as a woman, I decided I would take a further significant step - to medically transition. So I have been and am on that journey now, and yes, I feel considerably more happier, affirmed and more confident in myself. I mean, I have dressed in public for a long time but as for passing....I don't know! But I do my best. However, watching your channel confirmed how serious my gender dysphoria was.....for years...decades even, I could not understand why I would say I was happy go lucky (on the surface) but in reality I was often depressed for months at a time. It got even worse when I realised that some friends just viewed me as a crossdresser and that's not how I saw it at all. There's nothing wrong with being a crossdresser at all, but I felt that I was denying my true gender which is my true self. Is there anything more self-harming we could do to ourselves? However, I have a lady dance teacher who instructs me in waltz, quickstep....all the ballroom dances. She address me as 'Rachel' and when I go to certain places in public I am often treated respectfully and as a woman. Over time, I hope I can pass better but this is more about the internal journey. I feel for all of us who deal with this, but there are resources, and Doctor's Z's channel is literally saving lives. Thank you for all you do.

[@rachelcolleene5501]

The internalized self-Transphobia you mentioned kept pushing off my transition by 20+ years. Now I’m so extremely happy with who I am in my transition that I can’t even imagine my life any other way. 6’3” and thought I’d never pass... now I generally pass most of the time in public. I truly wish I hadn’t fallen victim to the self-transphobia I felt all those years ago as I could have been truly happy for so long now instead of just 7 months in.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry inner transphobia regressed your transition but so so glad you did it!

[@mina_en_suiza]

This is so much my story. Thank you for sharing!

[@shilohmae5916]

Omg thank you so much! As I'm sure many here can attest, this is definitely a vicious circle that will continue if you can't accept yourself. Its taken me (and still does) many years to accept me for me. This is a first for me! Finding a video that has resonated so well to such a true and honest degree about trans / gender identity. Thank you so much for bringing these issues to light! 😘

[@DRZPHD]

So glad to hear and I am glad it resonated.

[@tula1433]

Honest? Be honest about your autogynephilia

[@penelopelanzarotta8492]

I've always had an overwhelming interest in women's clothing and began to dress in private after college. I can't tell you how many times I've purged collections of clothing. It felt good to wear them, then I'd become afraid someone would find out, so out went the clothing. Eventually, women's clothing became the only comfortable clothing and one day I ended up purging my male clothing. I've never had regrets about it because I have found personal style and self acceptance. I can't say I'm without jealousy of other transwomen who pass, but I also love myself. And that is most helpful.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@jdabreu5824]

Hi! first of all, I wanna thank you for uploading these totally free videos, they have been extremely helpful to me during this hard time of my life, my experience is that I'm 17 years old now, since I was like 15 I have the thought that maybe I'm a trans person, because when I was like 4 without knowing anything I said I wanted to be a girl, recently I have experience like a feeling inside of me related to my gender, I'm trying to guess if I'm male or female, so I lock myself in the bathroom, I take my mom's makeup and I dress like a woman, I even get a towel as hair, I feel quite good, but then I look at the mirror and I hate what I'm seeing, I start seeing all the defects that would never make me pass as a woman in case I identify as one, so then I put all that off and I forget about it, I really try like every week to dress up and try to look female, but I can't, and also I don't want to do anything else , I always stay thinking about that, avoiding all my school tasks and everything else, I hope one day to get out of this situation and find my inner self. Sorry for my English, I'm Spanish and maybe they are some mistakes.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@BeccaBecca71]

KZbin offers feminizing confirmation videos and sleep meditations Don't give up Find a counselor or peer group, most cities are growing support groups and closet swaps

[@AB-br2nu]

One tip I recommend for trans-fem people is to hit the weight room and focus on your lower body, meaning no bench press, dead lifts or curls, only things like squats, russian twisters, planks etc. It will help fill out your hips and thighs, which will look very femme if you keep your arms and chest small. It can help while waiting for the hormones to kick in and also helps you if your face isn't passable yet (or if you are waiting for ffs)

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for the tip.

[@obsidianjane4413]

Endless squats and donkey kicks...

[@SanityVideo]

The first time I saw myself with makeup on my heart broke. Fortunately my real self absolutely had to get out and it didn't really stop me but there's nothing worse than expecting to see what you needed your whole life and not finding it.

[@arsaeterna4285]

for bringing psychological relief to people you are such a nice person, thank you so much

[@DRZPHD]

Happy to help!

[@michaelhorrocks1885]

Really interesting topic about purge cross dressing. I have spent hundreds of £’s on clothes. The process was exactly as you told it. I am a 51 year old mtf who is out, I will be going to go to work in the new year as my feminine self. I have told everyone about this and it’s totally fantastic the reaction I have received. I used to dress, look in the mirror then then feel I always wanted more improvement. It confused me to the point I would never pass if I don’t do this or that. I would then dump everything then say I must be a man then I need to be a man. I would then buy lots of male clothes, grow a beard and acting tough. This was so distressing as my dysphoria would come back worse each time. Thank you. You are always so right about what you say xx

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and thanks for support.

[@paleocat6354]

This happened when I was 16 and my dad came home. Thought I was one of my brothers gf and told me he was going to tell my dad. He looked at me like he knew me but couldn't be sure. I'm 37 now

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@paleocat6354]

@@DRZPHD I laugh now, back then I was scared. My dad was 6'5 300 and looked like a short haired version of hulk Hogan. Was also a division 2 college baseball coach. I was scared for no reason. He ended up being a good accepting man

[@veganarchistcommunist3051]

A long time ago, 15 years or so, I was up late surfing the web with makeup on my face and wearing a skirt I had made myself, a bra, and a feminine tank top. My brother walked out into the living room and looked at me for a second, walked away and didn't say a word to me. Even though I wanted that part of my life, at the time, to remain secret I didn't really feel uncomfortable. Of course, people being who they are, he told my friends about it and they would take jabs at me for it. Funny enough though my brother never brought it up with me.

[@paleocat6354]

@@veganarchistcommunist3051 my brother caught me so many times. Idk how he kept his mouth shut for decades. I never asked him to. He just kinda acted like nothing out of the usual happened

[@gabrielle5623]

Thank you so much for your video! That describes my life in the last 5-10 years, things were really difficult. At 28, after 6-8 months of denial, I need to be the woman I should be is getting back stronger and stronger, I am just slowly accepting myself as a female in the last month and take it slow to make sure my feelings are consistent, I now plan to see a gender therapist in the next weeks in order to start talking about that and hopefully starting HRT in the next months.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@mianthonyvizca6373]

Thank you so much. So much of this made sense. 100% of what I’ve been battling for the last several years.. especially looking in the mirror and seeing a man in women’s clothing and they throwing it all away. This has led to years of major depression and self medication with substance abuse. I wish I didn’t make it harder than what it is.

[@DRZPHD]

So sorry to hear of inner transphobia you have experienced.

[@patandersen4271]

Wow sounds like my ex. He couldn't /wouldn't come out as a crossdresser so he was into substance abuse, smoking too many cigarettes excessive drinking. Just be yourself at home wearing nightgowns, perfumes sexy shoes don't obsess over everything do the best you can with what you have to work with.

[@davidshaffer434]

I'm 73 years old. Crossdressing all my life. And yes I went through all the shame and confusion. The best solution for me was, to tell my whole family of my desire. It was a awkward time in my family's life. But now it's just lovely. Crossdressing keeps me young. My wife understands me, and accepts my crossdressing.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@lindsaybelderson7735]

I did this for 30 years in private in a very specific way, exclusively swimwear and exercise wear. I always saw it as a fetish and a sexual release because I was very slow to find my first partner, at 27. However, it bubbled away in the background until I was 44... Luckily, I didn't make the mistake of going full on fem straight away, I found myself drawn to wearing ladies tops, ankle boots and spent 18 months living as a gender non conformist, I was surprised how little people seemed to care or notice! However, I wanted to take it further and that's when the going got tougher, my personality makes it really hard and I have had serious issues with anxiety and depression. I've come back out as non binary but keeping the same name and pronouns, I still want surgery but am trying to find a place of peace and self acceptance, and somehow being less anxious about "passing" and of what others think

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@yup8388]

I needed this video 25 years ago, but I'm happy it's here for all the new people. Thank you Z very much for everything. You're an angel.

[@LeahT6317]

Dr. Z it sound like you have a copy of my life story. While I cross dress during my 20's I purged about 6 times and just as you described I looked in the mirror and felt let down as I didn't have any curves and nothing to fill a bra. I was rejected and gathered up all clothes and threw them away. This would go on for over 25 years till finally in my early thirties my therapist recommend I start hormones. While I didn't have great chances as I'm experiencing now just having minor breast development did wonders for me! If my therapist at the time had taken you approach and do small step instead of trying to make me go all in I believe I would have transitioned back then. Now I'm happier than I every been as I have a understanding therapist that's willing to learn and not push and a doctor who is willing to made adjustments so I can get the results I want. These videos help play a great part as they touch on subjects my therapist haven't and they help me to understand my past. You also give the best advice take it one step at a time which has given me a positive mind set and relieved a lot of my doubts and fears!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and yes, so much of transition is about gradual steps. I wish you well.

[@kierandesu2857]

you're the best gender specialist i've ever come across anywhere. your insights are so profound. you're a blessing to the community and i love you.

[@DRZPHD]

Wow thank you!

[@marajohnson9374]

This video describes my experience perfectly. I crossdressed a lot when I was in my teens. When I left home after college I was able to buy my own clothes that I would wear around my apartment. The last time I purged was a decade ago. I didn't start buying things again until recently and I've actually accepted the fact that I am trans and it isn't some phase. The desire to transition was always there, but I never acted on it. Mainly for fear of not passing since I'm close to 6'6" and built like a football player. Those painful thoughts when looking in a mirror and seeing myself dressed always makes transition seem impossible though(It still does, but I'm trying to fight through them).

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@matildatheoboldt2261]

I remember my first time I crossdressed...I felt beautiful, it was the first time in my life I ever felt that way. I then had the courage to go out in my outfit and I noticed the looks and I got self conscious and lost my nerve. I felt freakish. Months later I tried again and told myself fuck what people think I have one life to live and I wanna be me and I ended up getting positive attention, especially from women who made me feel like I belong. I slowly started dressing and presenting more fem to friends and it's becoming the new normal

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing!

[@isaacbarlow8247]

I had recently stopped fighting my female self. I had been on hormones once before and I stopped because my life got crazy....but I have to be myself, now I'm back on hormones and happy again...

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you stopped fighting yourself.

[@ebonyatropus7367]

My ultimate dysphoria looking in the mirror is that I look like me..... not someone else, and sometimes that can be painful. It doesn't matter if my transition is perfect, if I am able to pass, if my surgery makes me look so radically different than I do now, I still to myself looking in the mirror will be me, and not the "someone else" I wanted to transform into. When i look into that mirror, "me" will always jump out at me. So the only way I've been able to cope is gradual self-affirmation and realizing that there's really nothing wrong with "me". No one else can be "me", so to look like "me" is ok. Transition for me is both a transformation, but also an ultimate reconciliation of the truth of "self", the true self!!!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@WallebyDamned]

Your work is so helpful! If you feel comfortable with the topic, would you consider doing a video about being trans and neurodivergent? There is a noticeably large amount of trans folk that are also on the autism spectrum, ADHD, etc. But being on the spectrum can lead to questions from neurotypical cis (and sometimes trans) people about how we know we are trans. Our neurodifference is treated as something that makes us unreliable in knowing our internal selves. Having a compassionate, competent professional discuss this in a video that can be linked to questioning family members would be really helpful.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and from limited experience with people who are on the spectrum, their trans identity is absolutely legit. I will think about the video, although, to be honest, my experience is limited.

[@sheilalynn3615]

Hi Dr Z, I have had feelings about my gender identity forever. Purging and guilt were just a part of my life. Now I crossdress to feel better and will never purge again, promise. Life is to short and I lost a lot of it not being who I thought I could or should be. Today I am happy enough. I know that is a sad sentence, but it's better than it was. Thank you for your post. Peace and Love Sheila.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@saraannefay2196]

My cross dressing experience was quite different. I was an opportunistic cross-dresser, always using someone else’s clothing. I didn’t know why I did it. I would stand in front of a mirror and just look at myself. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I didn’t feel shame while I was dressed. It was only when I undressed that I felt shame, and then it was very acute. This went on from my early teens till I was 57, and no one knew I dressed up. I was very careful. One day it all changed. I began hearing a voice in my head telling me to embrace my inner-cross dresser. I thought I was seriously mentally ill. I went into therapy and in one session the therapist normalized my behavior and told me to follow the voice. I should cross dress as often as I wanted, but pay close attention to how it makes me feel. The voice went away immediately. It only took about 3 months till I understood that I am female at heart and transitioning was my only viable option.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and glad to hear you did not experience inner transphobia throughout.

[@jameslongrifle5837]

I’m also 57 and have gone through the same cycles. I’m married and am only attracted to women but I’m made to feel I’m doing something perverted. The pain and guilt are horrible! How can one cope with this??

[@saraannefay2196]

@@jameslongrifle5837 I don’t know, but I’ll share what’s worked for me. Take care of yourself (both physically and mentally) first. Like the safety instructions on an plane, “put your own oxygen mask first”. You can’t be there for anyone else, if you don’t take care of your self first. Second, find a good therapist; don’t settle for a mediocre therapist! This was a key part of my coming to grips with all the stuff that caused me mental pain and anguish. Third, get into a support group! Fourth, practice guided meditation. Begin writing in a journal. This was so helpful to me, especially on those days when I’d have doubts. On those days, I would read my journal entries and rediscover my journey and what got me to where I am. This was another key step for me and my self acceptance. Take small steps and keep moving. You’ll be fine. Lean on someone when you need to and help others when you can. Good Luck!

[@GeorgeTalksTrans]

Wow... I fell into group 2 for so much of my life... maybe ten cycles so far... "dress, shame, burn"... yes I feel it. After nine months' therapy I got my inner critic under control and that allowed me to actually _accept_ myself and I'm delighted to fall into group 1 now... I bought some simple, comfortable loungewear and PJs, I feel _really_ at home in them and I no longer get aroused by crossdressing as I used to, it just feels _right_ and _normal_ ... this is a great video to explain what was and is going on... thank-you.

[@richardmatthews244]

Very interesting video, I have been crossdressing for about a year and I definitely did the “purge” early on, I got all the clothes then decided I better start looking for a wig, when I put it on and looked in the mirror I just felt horrible. Immediately stopped dressing for about 3 months. The thought of dressing again was always with me during those 3 months but it wasn’t until I realized that I needed to slow down and take little baby steps that I decided to start again. I’m much more relaxed and not worried about taking the next step i.e Make up, yes I’ll be rubbish at it at first but a friend advised me to try and perfect putting lipstick on and then progress onto other things like eyeshadow, foundation etc. Hopefully in a years time I will have fully mastered make up and then I can feel brave enough to venture outside. It will be a big step for me as I’m very self conscious about how people see me but I’m confident I can overcome that in time. Thank you for this video as it has helped me a lot x

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you well.

[@leiashannon4842]

Oh my god, I've had that emotional response so many times. Finally heard someone talk about it. Thank you so much for your video. I started transitioning at 52 and said to myself, "You are never going to pass". Glad I finally got the courage to say to myself "I don't care anymore" what anybody else thinks. I have to do this for me. Keep doing what you are doing please,this video was a game changer for me.

[@DRZPHD]

So glad to hear it helped!!! Wishing you the best.

[@Lappiedawgie]

Wow this is exactly what happened to me the first time I tried on a load of new feminine clothing I bought, it all stayed hidden in the wardrobe in the spare bedroom for months! I am gradually letting myself wear some of it at home for short times to get myself used to it

[@jod5mx23]

Me too

[@DRZPHD]

@Lappiedawgie thank you for sharing and I am sorry you have experienced this. I see this happen to many, hence the video to help warn others this may happen. IT is OK if this happens, as long as we have understanding why vs shaming and blaming ourselves.

[@Lappiedawgie]

@@DRZPHD I'm glad I saw this video, it made me realise what caused those horrible feelings and to know that it wasn't just me that felt like that! Thank you

[@LucyPepper-wg3ku]

"Don't give up" is definitely a motto to live by in cross-dressing. You absolutely will have moments where you feel ugly. You absolutely will have moments where you want to give up. That's okay, you can stop for a few days. You can stop for a week, hell stop for as long as you need to. But always get back up. Always realise there's more you can do to fix the problems. And cross-dressing is always a combination of small things, that add up to one big thing. The uncanny valley is really relevant when it comes to feminization. Small hints of masculinity can push your brain to see a guy in a dress. Remove or disguise those hints, and you will be pushed towards femininity more and more. When I first bought a wig, I put it on and was immediately heartbroken. I saw a big nosed, bushy eyebrowed slightly skinny dude, in a manga wig. I wanted to cry and I swore I would never in my life show anyone that picture. I did nothing for a week or two, but was determined to find the solution. It came in the form of a KZbin crossdresser, who gave the advice to buy six cheap wigs on Amazon, and try them all until you find the one that suits you. I found my favourite wig that way. But still things bothered me. I realised that having bushy eyebrows is a strong hint of masculinity. So I learnt to pluck, or how to hide them. Still looking at pictures, I would like them at first, but then hate them in a week or two. Particularly if I've had some wine when I do it, I've sent pictures to friends thinking I look amazing one evening, then look back at the messages the next day and utterly cringe at myself (They were always very polite and supportive haha). I realised I needed to learn makeup. The first time I tried lipstick and eyeliner, it actually looked terrible. Of course it did, I'd never done it before! Though it was initially feminizing and made me feel good, again in a couple of weeks, I hated it. I still felt some of the shame that Dr z talks about. But I had learned from the previous experiences. I knew it was Problem solving time again. I got online and found male to female makeup tutorials. I started watching lots of eyeshadow tutorials. Lip liner tutorials. Contouring. Foundation skin tone matching. Every time I saw something I didn't like, I would try to find the solution to it. Now I'm at the stage where I'm happy to go out in public, people seem to treat me as a woman, I get positive reactions and I've even been chatted up and asked for my phone number. I get gender euphoria consistently, and I like my pictures even months later. Always remember, women have usually been practising makeup from early teens. They have their signature look down, and practise it every day. That is what your brain is basing its model of femininity on. For some of us, we are well into our 40s, 50s, or 60s, before we have a pickup and eyeliner pencil. So cut yourself some slack. If you feel dysphoria, if you feel like you want to give up, then that's okay. Lean into it for a while, there's often nothing to be gained by forcing yourself. But once that has passed, go into a problem solving mindset. Pretty much everything can be fixed with some combination of feminization tools. Lastly I would say if you are feeling really stuck and defeated, book yourself into a cross-dressing service. They can try out the wigs, the outfits, and the makeup styles which fit you, and they can take you through the enormously time saving step of matching your foundation and concealer. All steps that can take months of effort and trial and error. Fall off the horse. Writhe around in agony on the floor for a bit (after all falling off a horse does kind of hurt). The horse runs off bucking wildly into the forest. But eventually, that beautiful white pony will return, and invite you to climb back on. You're wiser for the experience, and this time the journey will be smoother x

[@hankblanc4586]

So true, it’s what happened to me. My god the tears and pain... thanks for contextualising it. I love your videos. And it delayed me two years...

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you so much!

[@simplyselena7]

Thank you so much for this video ! when I first decided to express myself the female gender ive wanted to be all my life, i felt ALIVE . I FELT SO BEAUTIFUL, Then after a while saw a cis women online for make up ideas . Looked back at myself ,started seeing the man in make up and felt so depressed and shame . I wanted to just stop right there in there I didn’t want to be transgender but I told myself there’s a reason my mind constantly wants me to be a women so I kept going. Now I feel so mentally healthy and happy . I accept myself and others now wherever they are now in transition

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and so glad you are at a place of self acceptance.

[@simplyselena7]

@@DRZPHD me too 💋

[@josephgardiner9866]

Omg, I feel so on touch with this message, I am so glad that I heard your message, I really hope my journey can begin. I am so ready to embrace myself and make my changes to live free.I really need help finding a therapist and a doctor that can prescribe me estrogen and begin my transition to live a much healthier and happier lifestyle. 😊

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful.

[@leeh.4453]

I'm another one who "knows what [you're] talking about." I don't know whether the feelings I get looking at the image in the mirror are "transphobic," "76, old and wrinkled phobic" or "who are you trying to kid" phobic. Of course I try to focus only on the "sorta' feminine" parts -- hair and A cup boobs, mainly. In my case, I've dressed close to full time in feminine underclothes and baggy sweats since the Covid lockdown started, and I've started HRT through the VA. I don't know how far I'll be taking this, so I don't have a "goal," as to when/where I will consider myself to have arrived, and I'm not in a rush to get anywhere. Instead, I'll just keep going on HRT, and see where it leads me, especially mentally. I'm trying to savor each day, feel my emotions, appreciate the comfortable and "this is the way it should be" feelings I get, and delve further into trans and cis feminine information. Should I have some specific "goal," or is just going one day at a time a rational approach? And thanks so much for the vids. They are most informative.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. Goals in my view, are always a good idea, since than you can set up little tasks on the way to it.

[@Dominolittle]

Well gurls I've read all of your comments , personally I found that courage is key . The outside world welcomes you all , it seems that we are a hot commodity by today's standards. Hugs Domino

[@DRZPHD]

Courage and confidence!

[@patandersen4271]

I agree with you. I think with more women attempting to understand nowadays it will get better for all you guy's but when I dated a guy back in the 1980's it wasn't really talked about. It seems people are more openminded and finding out about crossdressers from documentaries and movies and T.V. programs, not just that movie Glen or Glenda!.

[@mackjack8518]

Being passable is my end goal, I’ve struggled with this same purging cycle, and it has always bothered me that I felt discouraged from trying. I felt that very same heart sinking feeling, where I just thought I would never be able to pass as a girl, and it nearly killed me. Currently, I’m in a sort of in between phase, where I’m trying to learn things slowly, little by little, and I’ve started doing everyday things around the house, and it seems to help me immensely. Distraction can be a blessing and a curse, I see that now, and I do my best not to allow others opinions of my appearance, effect me. Just try your best, and never give up!

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I agree, keep the eye on the goal.

[@artemismoonbow2475]

I love watching these videos. Even though I am long past the transition phase of life (a bold statement if ever there was one), these videos help me remember and find that healthy balance of personal experience and therapeutic explanations of complex topics. As a lay leader in the community, it is vital to find this balance. Where the professional therapist worries about any self-disclosure, the lay leader can self-disclose too much and therefore universalize. These video help me stay on focus about these topics.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you so much for sharing and being a channel supporter.

[@miyahollands6136]

I have been there so many times! I have seen myself in a mirror and thought "I'm just a man in a skirt!", which leads to me internalising all these feelings. Although I do recall an instance when re-emergence of these feelings happened. It happened during a period when I had lost a lot of weight and was slim enough to try some of my girlfriends wardrobe. I inadvertently saw myself in the mirror and it was the first time I could see a different person looking back at me. I saw a woman in the mirror and it freaked me out big time! This was the moment when I should of started seriously questioning my identity. But, the moment was so powerful, it forced me to regess again. So that's why I always say you must be 100% truthful to yourself and open to the answers you will find

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@heartofdawn2341]

I went through this massively in my 20s and 30s without understanding what was really going on. I grew up Catholic in a small conservative town in New Zealand in the 90s-2000s, and had other repressed issues, so it's only now in my mid-40s that I'm finally allowing myself to be truly me.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and glad you are living your life.

[@DeaconBlues007]

Dr. Z, you are a genius and I LOVED this video! It was as if you were describing my own life so accurately and you are the first person to so clearly show me what was happening to me. I have so many times experienced exactly what you have described, the initial joy and comfort, then the guilt, the purging, the relapses, the cycle repeated so many times. Thanks so much for the information you provide, and the inspiration you have given me. If it were possible, I would be one of your clients or patients because you seem to be the only professional I have heard who really DOES understand, but I am not a California or Florida resident.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am so glad the content is able to help you clarify things.

[@DeaconBlues007]

@@DRZPHD God bless you doctor! If you ever accept patients from Arizona, I want to be the first one!

[@DrayseSchneider]

Several years back, after my then wife and I separated, I had obtained some women's clothing. They felt amazing and so confirming, but at the same time I felt like I was just a pervert fetishizing women's clothes. So after a couple of months I put them away for a couple of years. About then I acquired some more women's clothing and started wearing them again, some articles even publically. Again my internalized transphobia surfaced. I cleaned what I had and donated them to a local thrift shop and stopped cross dressing for another couple of years. This past year I've been cross dressing again, but I recognize my transphobia for what it is. Some days I feel great wearing women's clothing. Other times I feel phony and non passing, but I keep reminding myself that this just transphobia. I occasionally wear some, what I feel I can get away with, women's clothes publically, some secretly, as well as in the privacy of my own home. My struggle with my internalized transphobia is ongoing and probably not going to be resolved for some time. At times I find myself envious of transwomen I see who seem so comfortable in their own skin and I want to be at that point already. But my struggle is as individual as I am and I can only take it one step at a time. All I know is that I am determined to get there and eventually I will. Thank you for this video, Doctor.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you struggle and battle with internalized transphobia.

[@rachelcolleene5501]

If I can do anything to help you along that path, please let me know. I understand the struggle but have personal experience in overcoming it.

[@cristinacindy7520]

Steven, I went through that same thing my entire life. On my birthday October 23, 2020 I finally took the first shot of Estrodile and am also on Spironolactone. I finally did it and now I am transitioning. I thank God he finally gave me the courage. Hopefully one day you can join us and be your true self without any regrets. God bless sister 🙏 ❤

[@DrayseSchneider]

Thank you Rachel and Christina. I know that this is the right path for me and the idea that I might be starting HRT soon gives me a sense of overwhelming relief. It's just tiring having to battle my own brain, with my brain, over what amounts to an emotionally charged moral argument that stems simply from societal-enforced self revulsion. Your support is really appreciated.

[@MrAvant123]

I am not gay or have any ambitions to be trans - however I just enjoy wearing womens clothes in private, call it a hobby I enjoy if you like. It just makes me feel nice almost like drinking alcohol I suppose...

[@kooshfrisbee3093]

Thank you Dr Z. I really needed to hear this today. I am preparing to live on my own, where I can explore my gender identity that I have repressed for 50 years. In preparing, I have begun to take things slow. I know there is a lot of work I need to do on me before the girl inside me can feel comfortable enough to do more than peek out from behind my eyes. I am starting slowly, hoping to avoid the societal shame you speak of. I am very thankful for your advice. You are helping me. Thanks again.

[@maddyberkley1836]

oh my god i threw away some expensive lingerie when I was younger😫 i feel so bad for people trapped in that cycle. and now I'm out and i love myself, and people around me say those terrible things to me but it doesn't upset me at all. to be fair I would have lost my job 100% if I tried to come out back then...but yeah you perfectly described what I did, I appreciate the video but you should have made it in 2007😂😂 really thank you❤

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing!

[@christopherboyd2930]

Thank you, I've been through this several times over the years. I've known I was female since I was 12 ( I'm 68 ) and the pain and depression have overwhelmed me at times. I realize I'm to old for gender reassignment but crossdressing in private is now a great release for me. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@jhennisparrhawk28]

I've cycled through purges several times in 5 decades, each one brought about by different changes in my life. Usually when changing where I was living, and with whom. While I did experience the self-trans-phobia, the physical pleasure, the 'rightness' helped my get through, until there was the risk of discovery while changing housing. But, since seeing a therapist on a semi regular basis and coming out to my wife and son, half of my closet is now "hers" and the other half is "his". Wigs and makeup that i'd have hidden in the past are out, on shelves and even if I'm not dressing, seeing them, in the open, has a calming effect on me. A year after my first therapy session dressed authentically, I still see the same guy I've seen for 57 years. But, on numerous I get reassuring feedback from my therapist and two physicians, neither of which are the endocrinologist who prescribed my HRT. Strangers on the street refer to me as she/her or, at worst ignore me. I hope that someday I'll see "her' in the mirror, but for now "feeling" her in my mind's eye is enough.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you experience traces of transphobia.

[@tula1433]

Transvestic fetishism. Not the same as a transexual

[@nebulouschannel8922]

Referring to oneself in a split personality "hers" and "his" is a typical expression of a autogynephilic male host and feminine artifact. You are describing textbook autogynephilia. Binging and purging is also a tell tale sign of autogynephilia.

[@terrywalker7127]

Thank you for this wonderful information. I have gone through this over and over.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome!

[@AlinaBardiaux]

I think its also a matter of support. Personally, I started by trying make up, I posted a picture of me online, then I changed my name, then I have bought feminine clothing. Then, I have stated THS while I was out everywhere. The main reason I could do that is because I was surrounded by lovely people who kept giving me huge support and love, telling me I was beautiful, and encouraging me to do more about it. If I was surrounded by people frowning upon me, I would maybe have never transitioned, and then I would been miserable all my life

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@rayamoooooo685]

whoop whoop! transitioning is awesome and so is Doctor Z at what they do. 08:23 is nice and though i am not 6ft, i relate and am at peace.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Miriam-nb9sh]

First I want to thank for all of your work and videos, you cannot imagin how much value they have! I am 30 and I currently have the longest period of "crossdressing" ( it doesnt feel like that bu lets go with it ), Im now wearing womens cloths for about 1 month at home, nothing fancy just normal every day stuff. Its really good on alot of levels. but some things got worse. I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore, I usually felt weird and a bit akward, now its a pain. Im not sure if this is the same as in the video, I cant see myself, I can picture another woman in that place but then its still not me and breaching gap from looking at my own face and imagining it how I would look as a woman is impossible. In a week Im going to talk to a doctor for the first time in my life (( well actually the third but the first two were idiots and I still hate them very much since 15 years ) they couldnt take a crying child serious and tried to explain it away in other ways instead of considering what that child tried to tell them under enormous pain for even a second). I have no idea what to expect, what should I tell them? Will he guide me through the conversation, do I have to convince him that what I feel is true? What process can I expect further down the line. Like on youtube the sentence "when you get hormones" is heard often in a very easy way, even from you but I know from another video from you that you do take this very serious. Its not a just get it and see what happens type of thing. Im sorry for this burst in question my appointment got delayed 1 week due to a covid issue and my mind is on a rollercoaster for the past 2-3 weeks since im waiting for it and I just cant wait anymore to tell someone what Ive been feeling all my life.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. The doctor should know what to do and you can ask all of this questions with the doctor. I'd suggest working with a therapist in your area to further help and guide you.

[@paulhoward4221]

I feel like alice in wonder land going through that mirror, I just relax and let the real woman out and take over, it's like a switch male and female.switch, all I see when I dressed is the person I should have been if that makes sense, when it's time to go back to male side I do feel a little sad at first but. I know that she is keeping me safe. Claudia dean

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and it makes perfect sense.

[@Dominolittle]

You are in touch with her . Hugs Ethel

[@Spalpeenz]

Thankyou so so much for this wonderful advice, you are so right about the hope being yanked of you by being transphobic about yourself. You have poured some hope back in to me, The horrible image you have of yourself in the mirror and what you look like is so true. I was told once that you have to love yourself and don't give up on yourself but your words are balm to my female side. The world is less scary with you in it.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and glad it was helpful.

[@tonyosborne2080]

Dr. You’ve nailed it again, transphobia. Thanks, your videos are very interesting and informative, they take a lot of stress out of my life. Please keep up your good work. I’m sure there are a lot of people out their who don’t know how to express themselves to medical professionals, well done.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and so glad it was helpful.

[@MrCreativewax]

This has been such a massive part of my life and I find that looking out through my eyes I love what I see, and then get overwhelmed and all the old transphobia nonsense creeps into my head, I grew up in the late 70s and 80s and had no point of reference for any of this and the only things you heard were negative and I find I start re-telling myself all of that negative stuff. I have watched so many of your videos over the years and you are bang on each and every time, and I already know what I am and who I am and what I want/should do, but I never feel like I can give myself permission to do so, one day I hope I can make that first permanent step before its to late.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@thebelletoll7033]

A few weeks ago I put socks into my bra and wore a dress and when I tried to take out my fake breasts while looking into a mirror and I broke down into tears. I felt I was faking it to myself and everyone.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear. You are not faking. It just takes a while to cultivate and nurture confidence in the beginning. What you see is years of T, that's all.

[@deefjohnholler]

many female women are also self conscious about the size and shape of their breasts based on nothing more than the socially accepted fetish that men have for large breasts which you may be internalising. who do you think the wonderbra was invented for? it does not make anyone less of a woman to have an A cup so it does not make you less of a woman. your body does not define or deny you your womenhood. fyi there are better options than tissue or socks to enhance the feminine shape. you can get breast cutlets from the bra department or from online retailers.

[@davidwendel6080]

I did this too as a kid. But ran and hid if I heard anyone come home. The repressed memories have been coming back, I’ve been wanting to REALLY go dancing 💃🏼 - got a skirt and was getting to go out on Halloween but with fucking Covid no clubs were open and I chickened out about going to a gay bar. Always been afraid to be expressive because it’s not manly. Well fuck it now I’m shopping for dresses, fake tits, a wig, looking up makeup tutorials and researching gender reassignment.

[@l.j.walker8549]

I fully understand your comments and I am now at the point where I am about to fully transition. To minimise the man in a dress syndrome, I decided to get counselling and start HRT 14 years ago, waiting for the right time. The right time never came ‘til my wife asked, when are you going to transition? I immediately doubled my prescriptions and let my hair grow. I still have a lot of fears, but we have a date set when I will go full time. I feel so relieved. My boobs and boots are getting bigger and my waist is smaller and I’m getting speech therapy. Wish me luck, because I am now committed.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!