Cultivating The Ability To Tolerate Emotional Discomfort

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

wow the "identity being threatened" part was big for me. I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove and defend my identity. it's exhausting.

[@SRHisntSilent]

I feel this deeply

[@mAthXjAzz]

Identity is a hoax

[@Padraigp]

Thats the ego for you. Its a very fearful defensive thing. You need an awareness of your idnetity beyond the constructed ego ....beyond the fearful animal part of us and an awareness of what some people call the spiritual being

[@Padraigp]

Thats the ego for you. Its a very fearful defensive thing. You need an awareness of your idnetity beyond the constructed ego ....beyond the fearful animal part of us and an awareness of what some people call the spiritual being

[@patcowley6378]

@@Padraigp I named my ego "the thing... ;/ or that thing"\ It helps me diffuse the pain it creates... I say : OH that thing is acting up again... it gives me a second of conceptual space and takes the intensity out of its eminations...its emotional feelings...

[@glasshousefuture6836]

I'm rebuilding myself from the ashes, I will rise like the Phoenix.

[@secretsauceskateboarding4337]

How you doing these days? Crushing?!!

[@glasshousefuture6836]

@@secretsauceskateboarding4337 hmmm... I am no longer a pile of ashes. I am a fully formed Phoenix, but it seems I have forgotten how to fly. The spark is still within me, internally. Really, I have gotten this far with the help of my mental health therapist, and so, have learned quite a bit about myself and those around me and how to interact in a better and more productive way. 🎉I, like the Phoenix, shall rise and fly in glorious flames in time!!!🎉 Thanks for checking in!!

[@secretsauceskateboarding4337]

@@glasshousefuture6836 rock n roll 🎸 🤟🏽

[@new__guy]

@@glasshousefuture6836fly high, friend. take the gusts, storms, and windfalls as they come :)

[@glasshousefuture6836]

@@new__guy thank you for your encouragement. I'm definitely learning this pattern of 2 steps forward- 1 step back. As a newly formed Phoenix, I'm certainly attaining new heights by riding the gusts that accompany the storms, and keeping an eye out for and being appreciative of the figurative windfalls that I encounter during my rise to a higher altitude. I'm learning how to not quit entirely when things get tough, but instead, to take time for a recuperation break and then grit my teeth and keep climbing upward.

[@H01143]

Working on ALL of this at 42. Very humbled.

[@patcowley6378]

im 55...

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Oh honey. Better now than never angel. Hugs and love ok. Ooahh❤

[@bohdankaUSA]

48!!

[@kris_ty685]

Also 42. Didn't realize what was going on for sooo many years. I read every self help book on the shelf. Once I figured out my attachment style and core content it was a game changer for me.

[@marykavanagh9792]

65 Never too late

[@AmruthavalliKollaparthi]

Heidi, you are very much needed for the society. There is a huge difference between your content and the content of other attachment communities. You are teaching how to build ourselves rather than focussing just on the relationships. Thank you for making such life changing content absolutely free

[@Alazsel]

Emotional regulation, humility, accountability, self esteem and a Pervasive sense of self!

[@alexandrialaveaux]

This is it

[@ACE1JONB]

The combination of these words have serious power. Thank you! 😊

[@hannahl5838]

Why would I want a pervasive sense of self?

[@peggysue4521]

This comment will be buried. But Heidi, I have to say, you are the first person ever who is able to describe my internal experience. Many of your videos resonate with me in a way that makes me feel seen, especially your scapegoating video. I have felt terribly alone most of my life. But to hear my lived experiences and emotions described back to me, that someone DOES understand, someone gets it, means more to me than you'll ever know. It genuinely gives me hope. Thank you.

[@Cocoanutty0]

Your comment wasn’t buried :)

[@patcowley6378]

Her perspectives are so very eye opening...sometimes painful ...but very enlightening... nice comment btw...

[@peters8080]

1:34 "...secure people know how to keep themselves calm regulated and present during emotional discomfort " Listening to Stephen Porges i would tend to rephrase it this way. Its not that we don't get unregulated, its that we learn to notice our state changes. If we notice that we have become unregulated, then we can seek help, self manage etc.

[@banziimavusotv]

It's impossible to always be calm, especially when dealing with people who cross your boundaries. Normalize a healthy expression of anger.

[@JaysonT1]

"Secure" people often can self regulate without any external help. Sounds like what you are referring to is a bridge of awareness that leads to self regulation.

[@aruushijain8338]

You and your content are like counselling sessions. Thank you loads for everything that you've come up with 😊

[@The7thLove]

Loads

[@rominac1389]

Being an adult on the autistic spectrum makes it even harder. You feel threatened, a car honks loudly nearby and that's it. I think the goal is removing yourself from the situation when you feel the meltdown coming, but that's not always possible, so it's better to educate the people you have a relationship with so they don't take it as an offense.

[@ciaraskeleton]

I'm an autistic adult too! I grew up undiagnosed, so I built up a world of unhealthy views and coping mechanisms. Now I know I'm Autistic its like you said, figuring out how to navigate the unavoidable meltdowns. We can do all the emotional work in the world, but we have those extra parts that aren't 'fixable' so we have to accept them and communicate our needs. Which takes strength! I really didn't understand any of my feelings growing up, so knowing now that I'm a 'normal' autistic person has enabled me to self actualise for the first time. My meltdown coping mechanisms are: isolate. If I can't then I shutdown completely. Can't function and often get physically sick. If I can't express what needs to be expressed, my body expresses it for me. It's shit having meltdowns but being around people who understand helps a lot. A lot!!

[@alexandrialaveaux]

At some point that’s not fair to others and you are always able to blame others for how you feel.Being autistic doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to self regulate it means it will be harder. Those are the cards we were dealt. Expecting everyone to cater to and understand you is not realistic. If awareness spreads great but you can’t just not live until that happens. I’m on the spectrum btw. We’re adults and if we want to be treated/seen as capable valuable members of society we’ll need to prove that like everyone else.

[@TesriaT]

​@@alexandrialaveaux You reached a very long way here from a comment saying "I'm trying to manage autistic struggles but it's not always possible in every circumstance" to you deciding that meant "I'm blaming others and am not trying to self-regulate at all." That isn't what they said. Maybe re-watch that part of the video about how we're all going to make mistakes sometimes, and then apply that to someone doing their best but still occasionally being unable to prevent a meltdown, and wanting their loved ones to understand what's happening and not think it's personal or some deliberate attempt to "get their own way."

[@kellyoneill189]

I wonder if commenters had different types of meltdowns in mind. Meltdowns are not all the same. Combining ASD with insecure attachment can mean that meltdowns are actually abusive to others (swearing, name calling, throwing things, threatening,...)

[@kellyoneill189]

​@@alexandrialaveaux Your perspective reminds me of the author Dave Finch. 👍👍

[@lilyfreem]

Does anyone else have so much trouble watching these videos because you feel you’ll never be able to accomplish any of this? The whole self esteem because once I know better I’ll do better part just broke me because I know better and I’m not doing better. I don’t have any hope in myself to be this kinda person :(

[@Residentevil1.5]

You’re doing the best that you can right now. It’s a journey, not something you can immediately brute force through willpower. It’s good that you know because that’s one step further along. Doing better is a process, and you have to know first before you can get there.

[@malky3714]

Practice self compassipn

[@tuftela]

She has an entire video on how to build trust in yourself. Something we usually don't have much of when we see such a huge difference between what we know we "should" do and what we actually do.

[@marshallbrown2072]

For me, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, responding as opposed to reacting, reading Buddhists like Pema Chodron, have all contributed to the cultivation of humbleness, standing in ones truth, and the desire to grow further.

[@JaysonT1]

"A warrior acts, only a fool reacts."

[@laurafortin5568]

When you spoke about the function of community to hold us accountable in our relationships etc (approx minute 11) I realized that this is portrayed very well in the TV show “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. My kids like to watch it, and I have found myself appreciating the way the characters do exactly what you describe; how even the ones who are known for being more selfish or rude are still held within the community and they are not rejected or ostracized or exiled or cancelled! They are held to a higher standard and that causes them to (not necessarily easily, but eventually) admit error, apologize, and reconcile. There are also excellent examples of characters (i.e. Dr. Quinn, herself) who have both high self-esteem and humility to admit when they are wrong. I recommend that show for anyone who would like to see an example of exactly what Heidi described.

[@LoveIsAll88]

Love this. Reminds me of the story I heard of a culture in Africa (I need to look up where) where if someone does something considered wrong by the community, they have them sit in a circle surrounded by community and everyone goes around sharing good things about them.

[@azmomconnection]

Wow. I will seriously look this up for me, and my kids. Thank you for commenting!!!

[@azmomconnection]

​@LoveIsAll88 Wow!

[@darinsmith2458]

I would say that sometimes it is ok to tolerate emotional discomfort but if it is all the time then it is not worth it..

[@Zar2244]

Yes your right. I tolerated emotional discomfort for a long time, could be why I now have Ulcerative Colitis, and anxiety.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@Zar2244 I do think that the body keeps the score..

[@CTHD13]

Sometimes tolerating emotional discomfort is HOW you change a situation, when you’re able to speak up for yourself, and be vulnerable. Sometimes avoiding emotional discomfort means just doing what others want, or avoiding connections.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@CTHD13 It sounds like either way the emotional discomfort is what is motivating us..

[@evergirl1231]

I want to live in a closer knit community :(

[@nadiashanel5015]

this sounds so hard :( the trait that really stuck out to me was humility, knowing that my opinions arent superior and that my loved ones can disagree with me on some things but still be good people. I think I look for people to agree with my core values to protect myself from those who don't think the same as me. I don't want people with certain opinions around me because I think a lot of the views I don't agree with are those of abusive people and people who don't respect boundaries. I'm kind of avoiding saying exactly what I'm talking about but idk this is something I'll have to keep thinking about. I liked this video

[@azmomconnection]

Wow that was really deep, especially the line about: I believe certain kinds of people disagree with my views

[@shimmeringchimps3842]

Interesting. The problem with a lot of discourse today may be that we view anyone with a different opinion as inferior, evil, and abusive. We believe our demand for conformity is righteous.

[@micahcollamer2842]

What spoke to me was your idea of self esteem. I was looking in the mirror when you said, I am a good person. I make mistakes because I am human. But once I know better, I do better. In relationships with others and ourselves, the ability to sit in discomfort is a quality I'd like to cultivate because I can move through the hard emotions and take the actions which change my inner and outer worlds for the better. Thank you for taking the time to explain these ideas and make them accessible. - Micah

[@umbertodiotalevi446]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 03:00 🧠 *Strong Sense of Self: Tolerating emotional discomfort requires a pervasive sense of self, independent of others' opinions. Cultivating a secure self-identity is crucial for navigating challenging conversations.* 05:22 💆‍♂️ *Emotional Regulation: Developing strategies to stay emotionally centered during difficult conversations enhances the ability to understand others' perspectives and share vulnerabilities without becoming defensive.* 07:15 🤔 *Humility: Long-lasting relationships thrive on humility, the willingness to admit mistakes, and openness to changing perspectives. Embracing the possibility of being wrong fosters mutual growth and understanding.* 10:33 🤝 *Accountability: In the absence of strong community ties, maintaining accountability for mistakes and actively engaging in uncomfortable conversations becomes essential for building and sustaining relationships.* 12:39 💪 *Healthy Self-Esteem: A healthy sense of self-esteem involves acknowledging mistakes, committing to continuous improvement, and understanding that imperfection doesn't define one's worth. Building self-esteem facilitates the ability to tolerate emotional discomfort.* Made with HARPA AI

[@ellotheregovna401]

Woah, thank you!

[@crownprincesslaya2]

Can’t trust outputs from AI

[@heirapparent1996]

Hi Heidi, If you ever think your videos aren't helpful, or you doubt yourself and the work you're doing, please don't! They have been immensely helpful to me and I have been really struggling. Hearing you tell me these things makes it so much easier being a human with flaws in a flawed society. I really appreciate it. :)

[@MrsKFord222]

Agreed! Plus it’s helpful since it feels very isolating feeling these feelings. Like I am the only one..but that’s so far from reality.

[@edwardgreacen1833]

I've been ruminating staying with my emotions and lasting through triggers in personal relationships since listening to your youtube yesterday. The example of an upset baby's encounter with a parent focused on him or herself has been a great comfort. Finally I can recognize that feeling of helpless anger, of being deliberately misunderstood, when it occurs. But mostly I recall former times - earlier relationships - and particularly my mistakes. And - presto - today's youtube explains that NO ONE IS PERFECT. No matter how much we want to glide above the turbulence, it seems to creep up when we are focusing somewhere else. And, I start retelling the old stories - this time I allow myself a little margin for error. And guess what - if I allow myself to be imperfect - suddenly I can empathize with the other person's imperfection. Now an equitable relationship seems like a possibility.

[@cherylhlatshwayo3318]

This episode cut soooo deep. Your videos break down the wall and create a safe space of discussion between my partner and I to work through our challenges in the relationship. You’ve helped me to learn how to communicate better 🙏 by understanding my body and what it feels as signs of anxiety, building boundaries and expressing self sabotage continue to present themselves in my life. I’m more aware of how to regulate my daily life. Thank you

[@kate4781]

Something that helped me feel less defensive/triggered when someone was displeased with my behavior: I switch my inner dialogue around my sense of self from, "I am a person who_____" to "I am a person who tries to be _____." For example, since I identified as someone who is kind (among other things), if someone brought up something that even implied I was unkind, I really struggled to own it. I can much more easily own an unkind action and learn from it after identifying as someone who tries to be kind. This is very different than when someone gets angry at an action I identify as positive, which is much easier for me to accept as a difference of opinion and, perhaps, discuss. This is just one strategy to accept that no one, including yourself, is perfect. Also, very helpful video; thank you for posting and simplifying these complex topics for us!

[@helenchurch6546]

What a brilliant piece of advice. Thank you. X

[@Trying_very]

Good idea - thanks!!

[@bengeophoto]

I would suggest that instead of using the language of "try to be" I would say "I practice..." I like to say that I "practice" a thing instead of identifying myself as being something or not. For example, saying "I practice compassion" allows me to be human by not always needing to be compassionate. And saying this still draws focus to compassion rather than doing so by saying "I am a compassionate person" and suffering the shame of not feeling like I'm holding up to how I identify myself when I have other emotions.

[@kate4781]

@@bengeophoto That certainly is kinder wording; thanks for sharing.

[@alanklm]

Are you sure this is not lying to yourself? "Kind person" and "Trying to be kind person" is two very different things. And you can't much rely on the process (of trying), to rely on yourself (and having others to rely on you, have close meaningfull interactions with you) you need some result, something of "I'm". And since you need to, I'm sure you do this, even without acknowledging it. Also it's important to acknowledge, that kind person can do unkind things from time to time, and to look unkind from others subjective point of view. Otherwise you will never became "kind person", otherwise "kindness" is just an abstract idealistic idea, not a real quality. And that's a shame, kindness is a great quality, there are real kind people.

[@braxtongilbert]

Again, all of your content is so damn brilliant. Thank you for honoring your path and pursuing clarity on these topics. I heard a quote that comes to mind now. "The purpose of life is to get as close to divinity as you can, and then turn to share that with others". You are doing that! Thank you, Heidi.

[@Ennpey]

Another brilliant video! I was thinking about the topic of this video but in another context: tolerating emotional discomfort when I procrastinate. What you said about what we fear not being our identity helped me. I've analyzed some of the unregulated emotions that make me procrastinate, one of which being fear of failure. And if I stop believing that my work and its success is my identity, then I'm going to be less stressed about doing it. Loved the rest of the video and how it relates to relationships, too! ♥ Thank you!!

[@restlessmosaic]

! It's Ennpey! AHHHH Ennpey is the greatest!

[@Alphacentauri819]

I've also heard that procrastination is linked to the freeze (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) response. The frozen indecision due to complete overwhelm...sometimes learned helplessness and more, fueling this. This was a big "ah-ha" for me.

[@universaltruth2025]

A problem is feeling safe enough to express anger or even calmly request a boundary (need/personal preference?) be respected. As a child that was probably punished in some form so we learnt to repress it and then adopted learned helplessness & become depressed. As an adult we attach to other insecurely attached people who also won’t respond in a mature way. My husband is likely avoidant (dismissive?) who rarely expresses his needs /preferences/opinions. He just stores up resentment until he overreacts. It means if I start making requests for him to respect my boundaries - he’ll immediately respond with a list of how his boundaries have not been respected (which he hasn’t verbalised) which makes me reluctant to bring up anything as I don’t want to be confronted with his list! So we both stay silent don’t say anything and just deal with the irritation as it comes up.

[@azmomconnection]

Girl, yes! Why wait until I want to talk about an issue to bring up your issues? That is so selfish. Haha! It cam change but that was a pattern for years for my husband

[@yveqeshy]

Ma'am you hit the nail on the head with this one. I always knew that I struggled with feeling dysregulated and afraid of confrontation within close relationships but didn't know exactly why until I started dealing with my insecure attachment (FA), and even now with all the awareness I have about emotional and nervous system dysregulation, being in fight or flight mode, hyervigilance and the subconscious comfort zone and how thoughts and beliefs affect my behaviour, I still haven't learnt how to actually pull myself out of being in my emotional brain and activating my thinking brain when in conflict to just take more control of my reaction. This work is hard, it's like as soon as I'm in conflict, my thinking brain switches off, I can't get out of that emotional reaction in a timely manner to make better choices and more gracefully

[@suegoldfild8990]

Curtis Kessler. He shares how he "welcomes" the scariest things in the safety of this own space, leading to a major dissipation of the strong emotional reaction. Try it. Will make everything easier.

[@sunbeam9222]

You can also look at EFT tapping, the Sedona method or how to switch from sympathetic nervous system mode ( fight or flight mode) to parasympathetic nervous system mode ( that's when your heart and blood pressure slows down and you enter a state of relaxation). All the best xx

[@AnaA-ku2yt]

If you keep practicing, meditate on your calmness in any situation you can imagine, it eventually will get smoother, easier, quicker to go from reactionary (emotional brain) to calmness that YOU create (thinking brain). It can take years, decades even. This is NOT a once and done behavior to learn. Most people are reactive. Rare are those who truly keep their emotions in check but that is the goal or should be for every human, otherwise we are just acting as animals. (Which is what we all really are and why all of this controlling of emotions is so difficult.)

[@trishamillar]

I find it really hard to be with people that owe me an apology

[@killerb255]

As long as you continue to feel like a person owes you something, these steps will continue to be out of your reach. What happens when those people who owe you an apology pass away? Will that exonerate your feelings? Will it make you feel like these people "robbed" you of an apology by dying? I felt a little bit of both of these things myself depending on the situation: both exonerated and robbed, but neither of those were healthy because I realized that now I have dead people living rent-free in my head like they're zombies or something.

[@pearlsb45wine]

Awesome! I have been thinking about this in an attempt to heal people pleasing. Thank you for elaborating.

[@sunriseoftheheart]

Wow!! SO WELL EXPLAINED! Thank you so much! I think you hit the points so well here. It helped me a lot to grab this on a deeper level. Thank you so much and lots of regards from Germany, Isabelle

[@Fraser777]

thank you, realising its okay to feel bad is helping me heal and grow

[@artistlegends1728]

Heidi- I listen to you every day. You’re amazing. You’re sessions delve into the core of what I’m going through. So profoundly thankful for you🎩

[@evrytingelsewastaken]

All praises to the most high for working through you! You are literally saving lives. May peace and blessings and happiness be with you my sister ❤

[@EsseQuamVideriSe7en]

This is a great message, but it sure shows me how far I am from not feeling crushed when the person I love most says negative statements to me. This is certainly something to aspire to, and it's not hard to see how beneficial this would be in life.

[@priyankamohanty6206]

I just wanted to thank you for uploading these videos, you can't even imagine how much my life has changed after this. Finally someone logically explaining the information in a way that my brain can actually process it rather than just giving random advices. You are really amazing ❤️

[@RayW0791]

Do you want some of my loving

[@dashtheorytv]

I'm VERY glad I found your channel

[@AprilHart]

I've been looking at my isolation after having narcissistic and various other abuse as a horrible thing, but after hearing this I was able to re-frame it as building the self esteem muscle! thank you.

[@dbronco2032]

Heidi - your ability to explain complex situations, behaviors, traits and how they display themselves WHILE giving advice on how to be aware and address can not be described in words. It’s simply inspiring. I am so glad I found you now, so I can say “I remember when” as you continue to gain viewership. Just outstanding. One challenge I have is the desire to send these videos to my ex GF as a way to best explain my behavior. Not to get her back per se, but as a way to say “I’m sorry” and “I am aware” and “I am committed to improving”. It wouldn’t get her back, but it may provide some closure to her, and me in sense. Your amazing - look forward to every video as a way to say on my journey.

[@kimlarso]

I think that’s a great idea; She May long to know wth whilst projecting she’s moved on without care!

[@individuationportal]

2:55 Having a strong sense of yourself -- do not have an identity dependent on others 5:07 Emotional regulation 7:00 Humility

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤❤ excellent 5:00 love this part of a strong 💪 sense of self & how it helps one deal with being misunderstood by somebody

[@fiveminnow]

Thank you for this. It is so important to sit on discomfort. Topics that we face but never really know how to vocalize until seeing your videos.

[@somav8]

You say the truth like everyone else. But I love the way you say it it calms me down, instead of activating my flight senses.

[@amberfaille394]

I feel like the depth of this insight is so profound, especially in the field of addiction in terms of accepting sense of self that includes moments of emotional discomfort. Like to accept rather then sedate and escape the discomfort through the use of drugs and alcohol. Thank you for the excellent video as usual. I love the depth of thoughts and organization of expressing them. Incredible work!

[@johnaslanides]

Thanks Heidi - all of your videos have been really insightful and valuable to me. Please keep it up !

[@enyavissepo]

all of this sounds terrifying to me, im a deeply shameful person n ik its gonna take a lot of work for me to get better, n tbh im at a place where i dont even have the motivation/energy

[@MDanimations44]

You really have nailed this video on the head, my sense of self in conversations is always present and I wish it wasn't, thankyou so much for the insight, I'm definitely going to implement it into my conversations a lot more! Thankyou!!

[@SoulfulQueerIntimacy]

ALl of these are amazing. I definitely need to work on all of them. Thank you Heidi

[@jocelynpowell6223]

TREMENDOUSLY INFORMING. It makes sense of something I never understood. Thank you. When you understand its easier to take a chance.

[@thatsaniceboulder1483]

Anyone else have a fear response so intense you look like you’re shivering with intense cold, as in visible tremors, teeth chattering, voice waiver, just because you’re having a discussion that is stressful? If it is not planned on my part, and I am surprised, I’ve tried to just “sit with the emotion” and let it pass, and breathe, while I stay in my head assessing, and engaging the conversation but I practically look like I’m having a mild fit.

[@highlysensitivepower3182]

Brilliant, Heidi. Thank you ♥️

[@deborah3709]

So good. I am and have been working on my own emotional regulation and got to a place where I could recognize my responses were shame based. I was able to stop and change my response and explain why if asked. However, my boyfriend didn't do any of the work and felt like every disagreement was an attack. Needless to say he told me not to come back. I realize he was a necessary stepping stone (no disrespect to him) to help me on my path. I wish it were different for him, but I am moving on.

[@charleskutner6346]

Thanks for an excellent video.

[@yamato4178]

Not only do I tolerate emotional discomfort, I enjoy it. I like the feeling cause I know it's an opportunity for me to grow. Life is about feeling these discomforts and relishing in it.

[@nbk12nv]

Your videos always come up when I’m going through the things you mention. Thank you for the knowledge to change.

[@elisekolic6649]

The self esteem section rang true for me. What?? I don’t need to get it right 100% of the time to feel good about myself. As a recovering perfectionist I just love this!! Thank you for this video. Definitely something I need to work on.

[@ambria9356]

Beautiful video. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm definitely working on cultivating a strong sense of self so I'm not let down by my very human tendencies.

[@tingting6889]

Ugh accountability is such a massively huge issue in society agreed. I think it is also related to this “cancel culture” we live in where taking accountability is almost kindof punished.

[@davidwenzel4993]

Just discovered your channel 2 days ago and have been binge watching your videos since. This one, in particular, is truly excellent and I just watched it twice, back to back. You are an excellent teacher and you are having an impact on people. Thank you for what you do.

[@socialimpactsociety4688]

Heidi, thank you so much for bringing light into our dark corners of the mind. I hope your deep content spreads across the whole globe, because I think its so very important for feeling well within society, forming healthy relationships in any ways. If detected, forming better connections is way easier. U barely change what you do not even know or think there might be within. Thanks much, greetings.

[@Techyyyy]

This is really interesting, because my friends have Fi, like me,(Introverted Feeling) and we use a name for the being grumpy or defensive behaviour, we call it Fi-offended-mode. It is just I struggle with it a lot. For me it feels like people want to change me as person and not just want to exchange my information and improve it. I'm getting better, it is also better since I'm aware, but ugh it is still hard to be not offended or upset about something you shouldn't be. Very good video! I def can take some points out of it!

[@imaginationturtle5447]

Haha sounds more like you have masculine Fe

[@Deep-happiness-for-all]

YES! The way others want to think about us is their own business!!

[@eriku571]

I just listened to this twice, back to back and took notes. It's Brilliant! I've been working on all of these. Having a developed level of Humility definitely makes it easier and is helping me the most over all.

[@stevenygabbyperez695]

"Particularily" 😂 gets me every time.

[@susansagun7077]

Well said and well done! I’m 65 years old and I learned plenty and am very impressed with your content and delivery. Though I do have an anxious attachment style, I can say that years of practice really does help bring us to a healthier place. Looking forward to your next video - I subscribed!

[@KevinRichardson444]

Heidi, you are going to be extremely successful. Happy for you! Thank you for helping your fellow humans with deep thoughts and very vital information.

[@Squirrel-zq6oe]

I really wish people would just stop saying, "what someone else thinks about you is none of your business." Because, literally, people's opinion of you changes how they act towards you and also possible opportunities that you might have in life. People are one of the most important factors in how your life turns out, so yeah, what they think about you 100% absolutely is your business.

[@bloodeadblood]

every video watch inspires me to add to the list of things I need to talk about with my therapist. thank you

[@trichomaxxx]

you're a great teacher! thanks for all

[@rachelel.4863]

Great topic Heidi. Thank you for sharing!

[@ariekem8088]

I have difficulty with the phrase "ones I know better, I do better", because I have gained a lot of information in my live about sustainable healthy living, but this puts a lot of pressure on me to do my best. I struggle with climate change problems and it influences my live, because everything we materially consume has an impact, so you could always consume less.

[@autumn_in_myheart]

Thank you.good job.

[@ashleyhayner3140]

This is a really great video! I’m glad it came up suggested this morning. Thank you for this! The way you presented it was very clear and easy to relate to.

[@sarahmeyers1773]

I’m fine on my own, with acquaintances, and with strangers. It’s when people who *should* know me (based on length of relationship or intimacy level) say things, get defensive, or DARVO that I lose all sense of self and reality and start just making myself crazy trying to figure out if I’m the problem and if I have to fix myself. I find it so hard to grasp my identity when people I love are telling me I’m a bad person, without any evidence of how I have caused problems.

[@Oystermato]

I feel this. It’s so painful and makes you crazy, and then they use your reaction and pain to then ostracize you as unhinged

[@NA-ud6qm]

"People who have a strong sense of self-esteem don't have a strong sense of self-esteem because they are never wrong. That is showing a strong sense of narcissism. Self-esteem is a stable quality that allows you to >> Practice humility >> Share yourself vulnerably >> Allow yourself the ability to open yourself up to the possibility that you were wrong, that you hurt someone, >> Know that, at the end of the day, that does not make you a bad person."

[@davidjacobs6344]

Superbly put Heidi… absolutely spot on. Much of this is not necessarily intuitive especially in the early part of life. More people need to hear the messages you have put so well. I have started doing this in the last few years ie the strength and confidence is within not in the hands of others. Keep up the excellent work. I shall look for yr future videos with interest.

[@chelini260]

I am working on accountability and accepting I’m not always right. Just because I’m triggered doesn’t mean there needs to be a conflict. Learning to self regulate.

[@vlatkaMP]

I love you “cancel culture’ explanation. Gave me whole another nuance to this issue.

[@Graceunderfiire]

Thank you for making this super clear.

[@JP-kg6wn]

Very good eye opening. Thank you.👏

[@Kikipotamus]

Thanks!

[@AshBringsTheFire]

By far the most helpful video I’ve seen and I didn’t have to try to sit still for an hour! Thank you 🥹

[@AshniGupta]

SUCH PERFECT TIMING!

[@AthenaIsabella]

Seriously omg.

[@trampersad1]

This is so life changing and I know it’s going to be life saving when applied !!! Wow . Needed this

[@nannysplace30]

You are filled with so much wisdom. Thank you for your insights!

[@amytv787]

This video is excellent. Thank you for these great words!

[@gregvanpaassen]

I was the mistake. Third of four children, a five-year gap to my older sibling. My younger sibling was company for the mistake, and being the youngest, the favorite. Both parents distant, family isolated being immigrants, focus on academic achievement, emotions not allowed at home. I was a sickly child and away from school a lot. I have never had a sense of belonging. I have carefully crafted a life with almost no-one in it--I hardly ever speak to my siblings for example. I don't even have to talk to anyone at work if I don't want to. At the age of 62 I've started trying to make sense of it. Even watching this video makes me distressed. But, Heidi, you reach me in a way that no other female psych KZbinr does. Thank you.

[@conversationcorner1837]

Beautiful stuff ! ....You're very observant and have given some great ideas to avoidant people.

[@conkers5875]

Yes yes yes, bringing it back 💜 thanks again Heidi 🌄

[@aleciariddick7719]

Seeing my authentic self and my self-esteem and accountability.

[@jbienz]

Hey Heidi! I am really searching for more information right now on improving self-regulation. I've searched your channel and watched the one on Attunement, but I would really value additional info on specific skills that can be learned or steps that can be taken to strengthen regulation within the self. Thank you for everything that you've shared and continue to share!

[@caseyfarrell5713]

Thank you , this topic isn't being talked about enough

[@shallnoTfear]

I learned so much from my past and how I treated my partner. I have a lot of guilt and shame and I am just trying to be better. I practice emotional regulation in all relationships now ❤

[@shivakami9293]

I appreciate your content so much. Thank you🙏

[@Katrina-z1c]

Thank you for this one this is Guud for me.. Because when I hear good or bad or whatever words from people, this can help me to chill a bit and not overthink think or overly react when they talk. So I can have much less anxiety in my life.

[@anjas.2236]

1. Cultivate a secure sense of self: who are we outside of relationships (so we can stay calm) 2. Emotional regulation: no fight or flight mode (to not get defensive and stay calm); notice the triggers and stay open and hold space for someone else's vulnerability. 3. Humility: admit your mistakes, lovingly challenge the things you know, acknowledge when we mess up. Show up with patience & empathy to encourage mutual growth in our relationships. 4. Accountability: we no longer live in communities and incentives are missing to really feel shame and show up to repair relationships, that includes having uncomfortable conversations. -> sense of belonging and develop long-term relationships. 5. Healthy sense of self esteem (related to trait number one): if you are insecurely attached, it is probable you are a shame bound person. You don't need to get it right 100% all the time.

[@RicardoMiguelesRodriguez]

Thanks ❤

[@sarahg3156]

Marriage and a deeply perceptive partner are what helped me address my defensiveness and low self esteem. I hope I have done the same for him. I mean, it took alot of work and understanding on both our parts, but thankfully I can take what I learned and apply it to other areas of my life.

[@Hipocratease]

You get it!! Thank you for teaching it!

[@DR-vf9tr]

Wow great video. Thank you so much.

[@matt-g-recovers]

I've said it before it again you are helping me tremendously as I am navigating dating for the first time in 14 years. But more importantly, everything that you say is completely in line with the program. That is the most important thing in my life... It not being our business with others. Think of us keeping our own side of the street in order. These are all principles that I follow on a daily basis. I am so glad to have found you to help me work through this problem

[@AkendoR_RodnekA]

The point made around 4:35 was beyond enlightening to me. If I’m ok when I’m alone or not in a relationship , than I’ll be ok if the conversation in the relationship goes bad. I don’t have myself or prices of myself to lose. I have me. I might lose them but that’s ok because I’m an a good well meaning person who knows I was ok before the relationship and I’ll be ok. The tension drop because I don’t have myself to lose 😯 I think this did a lot for me thank you 🙏

[@mr.sessle8444]

Im beginning to understand some new triggers for emotional discomfort so this was very helpful, thank you!