Why Narcissists are so Disagreeable

Narcissism is characterised by an inflated sense of self-worth, a lack of empathy and a constant need for admiration, which can lead individuals down a path of disagreeable behaviour. From disregarding differing opinions to exploiting others for personal gain, these behaviours can leave a lasting impact on those around them.
This video looks at the characteristic traits that contribute to the disagreeable nature of narcissism. From grandiosity and arrogance to a lack of empathy and emotional manipulation, and the behavioural patterns that make interactions with narcissists challenging and draining.
Other videos in this series:
Narcissists and their resistance to criticism • Characteristics of Nar...
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
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#disagreeableness #narcissistrelationship #understandingnarcissism

[@mickadatwist1620]

a narc is angry with the world. The anger of a neglected child. Can be eternal.

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

Trauma begins in the wound.

[@jmfs3497]

After working with an OCPD/NPD manager for 10 years, I now have a sort of silent 3-strikes rule, and then I go Gray Rock. If someone is contrarian or seems entitled to crossing my boundaries 3 times, and my gut is screaming "RED FLAG!", I disengage and distance. These people aren't master manipulators, as much as they are cognitively impaired liars. I have learned to be much less patient and compassionate with a person who seems to willfully waste my time and energy. If we can't get the relationship right in 3 attempts then it's over.

[@kantik2118]

Very good observation and advice. Thank you!

[@amberinthemist7912]

These are words to live by!!

[@sararichardson737]

Cognitively impaired ! Bang on. Mine loved to agree and then renege if there was a benefit for me, even if there was a mutual benefit for him(win win ) He could afford to lose out, I, could not so went for lose lose and how I lost, much to his momentary amusement

[@lisbethbird8268]

Yep.

[@lisaallen9339]

That is awesome advice!

[@hermitthefrog8951]

The more I learn about narcissism, the more I'm convinced that ~90% of people are narcs...

[@normastone1044]

Everyone has narcissistic traits, it's how we get what we want. The degree to which a person exhibits narcissistic traits determines whether they actually suffer (and everyone around them, lol) from NPD.

[@hermitthefrog8951]

@@normastone1044 - hence the phrase "life is suffering". Cheers!

[@hermitthefrog8951]

@@rwdchannel2901 - I'll modify comment to politically blue areas...

[@SlumberBear2k]

I think this is a great way to help answer the question "am I a narcissist?" because with narcissist its always an obstacle, always a problem. whereas with a normal person, there is a willingness to help or at least try to or apologize.

[@kantik2118]

This! They make it their life mission to make your life a living hell when they fail to make your life about them and on their terms. While a good person Will, on the opposite, Will go out of their ways to please you and sometimes forgive evil people

[@djw8504]

My ex narc rarely ever agreed with me on anything, and he was also very competitive with me! Even a simple game of cornhole! If I was ahead, I cld see it in his eyes that he cldnt stand it! Why is this? Has anyone else experienced it with the narc!? Thank you 🙏

[@kamalvipul9213]

Always come back to the core understanding/knowledge - it's a 'disorder'. There is nothing to understand, and nothing can be changed. The core lesson to be learned dealing with a narc is 'non-attachment'....'letting go'.

[@fastrivers812]

My wife does this competitive stuff too. She mentions that she wants to go on a bike ride WITH me so we can have quality time and talk so we go. To get to our trail we have to use busy roads so we're single-file for a bit. I happen to be ahead so I slow down at the trailhead so we can ride together but instead she blows on passed me. Whatever. So another time she wants to go exercise with me so we can be together. I usually run, really didn't want her with me, but fine, let's exercise together. So we start walking, she says, if you don't mind I'm going to go at my speedy pace and takes off walking ahead of me. Lol. So, I said, in that case, I'm going to run (which is what I wanted to do anyway but relented to be nice). I wish I had a picture of her face because it was pissy. Then after we were done and driving home she picks a fight with me. Ugh.

[@timothyrday1390]

My experience with my ex (narc) gf was that there was no end to her requests of me, from small to great, and a bewildering refusal to do anything that I asked of her. It was a ridiculous one-way street that I am so glad that I got out of!

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

Yes, Glad u saw the red flags

[@GGVanilla]

This reminds me of how my narcissistic aunt communicates her wishes: That curtain looks lopsided. I wish I could fix it but I’m getting so old… it really is an eyesore… it wouldn’t take long, I’m just so old and frail… it really is a terrible thing to age and not be able to do things yourself… especially with young people around who are just so selfish and won’t help. Gosh such a shame. Instead of your know, just asking “hey could you please fix the curtains they look a little lopsided, thank you.” 🙃

[@fastrivers812]

Yes, this is what my mother-in-law does. It's beneath her to ask directly, instead she hints. I just ignore her. We barely see her and when I go over it's something like, "Oh, the lights on my car don't seem to be working right. I'm not mechanical at all and don't know what to do." I just respond, "Take it to a mechanic."

[@dakoderii4221]

Yes, yes! Insult me then expect to be helped. Narcs are so brilliant.

[@Mr_X753]

Narc in my past life could never order something on the menu at a restaurant. It always had to be customized in some way or something special that wasn’t on the menu at all. Even just a glass of water needed lemon slices. If lemon slices were provided by default, she wanted to change it to lime or orange slices. She also could never be wrong. She would argue with people about some event at which she was not even present, but the other people were. It was completely ridiculous…

[@GGVanilla]

Oh my god. That’s my sister. She always argues with me about stuff that happened in our family in events when she wasn’t even there… you put it in such simple words it clicked!

[@alonzomosley7]

God this was my narc mate .It was just painful going to restaurants with him .FGS even ordering a hamburger turned into a complete Gordon Ramsay drama ,it had to be customised

[@alonzomosley7]

Every gift I got my narc partner she hated .Nothing I did was right ,I eventually just gave her money vouchers ,she couldnt complain ,she loved cash .

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Aquarius?

[@amberinthemist7912]

Wow my narc mom and sister too. Do they all get the same playbook? It made going out to eat torture.

[@justChristine]

My brother once said of my husband, his work ethic was where you just crack open the door to his work room and throw in a raw steak at lunch. Beware.

[@einstein63]

All I can say is....thank God I have a sense of humour!! I get a good chuckle out of all the stupid behaviour my narc exhibits...in private of course 🤪

[@sciencetest8]

How do you do that?

[@misss.o.j.]

Listening to this brings all the memories back of the Narcissist not helping and constantly undermining and subverting normal life. It was exhausting then, but enraging now. Good thing I have carbs and a sense of humor.❤😠

[@Teacher369]

Sit quietly with the pain. Walk straight “though” it. You will come out the other side. Feel everything fully. Don’t cover it up with carbs or distractions. Each time the suffering returns it will be weaker than the time before. ☮️

[@misss.o.j.]

@@Teacher369 I will try it out, thank you! 🙌🏻🥰

[@Teacher369]

Be the “observer” of your thoughts and feelings… “Hello pain (sadness, anxiety, depression, etc). I see you are back again.” 🤗

[@misss.o.j.]

@@Teacher369 🥰💖

[@keeyta333]

Carbs help me too 😂

[@gloriadonahue7241]

I love to sew, for my entire life. I eventually got to the point where I would design my own clothes. I understand the part you said about out shining your boss. I always heard Dress for Success. So I would wear the beautiful clothes that I designed and my boss hated me for it. She made my life absolutely miserable.

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

My friend used fabric I gave her to make an outfit for a wedding, when her sister saw her,she said,I see you went shopping, she told me she just smiled,and dared not tell her she actually made the outfit, how sad!!.This also happened to me with my ex narc friend, we went to a function and her best friend looked at me and said,why are you looking so gorgeous,? everything about you is glowing, i just smiled and said please. I dared not look at my ex narc friend's face.

[@karriebouissey8775]

The narc I live with seemingly hates my kids. They're teenagers and they don't like him either but they respect the fact that he's someone I care about. They generally just ignore each other. My narc won't help with cleaning or dishes. When I ask the first thing he says is "how about your kids do the dishes" or "when's the last time the kids took out the garbage" even when the kids are at their dads for the week. I'm currently trying to grey rock but it's so hard. It hurts and he is SO disagreeable.

[@dakoderii4221]

You are describing the doctors, nurses, and therapists at the VA to a tee! "Disagreement is violence" and "Silence is violence" but physical violence against you is love and tolerance . It's sCiEnCe! 🤪👍

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

Wow,,sorry from a retired nurse.

[@joybanks1602]

You are so clear. I have a malignant narcissist for a landlord. There are several residences on the property (close to one another) all occupied by flying monkeys. I used to wonder why when I gave her something she had to disparage it. One time I gave her some high quality canned cat food for her cats. She took a magnifying glass and read out everything wrong with the ingredients (which were all excellent). And she feeds her cats Friskies, absolute awful junk food for cats. She just gave me an eviction letter which was so nasty. She hates me. I am the only person here who has said "no" to her. Imagine that! And I put up barriers on my lanai for privacy. But I am happy to be leaving. Yes, it's inconvenient because I didn't choose the time, but I can't stand being here. Was here for 2-1/2 years. The woman who is renting my place when I leave is an excellent flying monkey ... easily manipulated, and already agrees with everything the abuser says. She's in for a nasty ride. This abuser abuses all her Flying Monkeys I've noticed. She heads the cult. So I thank You. This is the best and most accurate information I have seen and I will continue to devour your videos. I love some of your phrases ... a person who wets the bed and blames the blanket; Lying Monkeys, it will starve them, but mainly "respond but don't react". That will be a lifesaver as I traverse the act of leaving here. There are rules for tenants and she is not going to obey those. So all your advice is extremely helpful. Again, THANK YOU.

[@patrickcarney9474]

Just found this channel because it popped up on KZbin and I was intrigued. I believe my wife has characteristics of a covert narcissist. 30 years of marriage has been rough . I’m a Christian and my journey with God has helped as I read thru the Bible each year and have read thru about 23 or more times . Even with my walk with God , marriage has been strained and almost broke many times. The amount of head games and I have adapted to her personality in more ways than I realized. I am up fixing my oatmeal and my coffee and about ready to read my Bible and I even caught myself thinking about scenarios in what she will say next ,… what I will have to explain, “why I did this”, or “why I did that” , or “where did you get that”,… constant scrutiny over everything I ever do or ever contemplate. When I get freedom, it’s when I am away from her,…… I can breathe freely . I spend time with others while I work and I have a great time every day and I get recharged,…. When I get home,… I get drained,…. Depleted . Well,… time to start the day in Gods word,… see ya.

[@sweetfightsboxing4380]

After 28 years married, I ended the marriage. She is a vulnerable narc, it was torture enduring the "Devaluing Phase" which seemed endless. Once I ended the marriage she started the smear campaign. Outright lies. Apparently, I was a cheater, swinger, and drug addict. Not even remotely true. As a Christian divorce was not a word I recognized. But she had abandoned the marriage years before, emotionally and mentally. She turned vicious. I am so happy now being me, without her. Stay healthy. What you described is what I endured.

[@KA-mq4wj]

Patrick….Get out! She’ll never fulfill you. Narcissistic people drain you and make you ill. Live your life in peace. You still have time and there’s really kind women out there who will cherish you and love you. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve better married, 30 or 50 years, you’re miserable. God doesn’t accept abuse. And she’s abusing you. I was married to a narcissistic man for 20 years. When he left, it was the most peaceful time of my life. Finally. He never loved me. He used me. Please speak to someone in your church or a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder. Wishing you much happiness and peace. You deserve it!

[@izawaniek2568]

Spot on Darren. Thank you gór your great observations.

[@TA-vm4cc]

OMG... You helped me to solve why my mom can't ask for anything directly. Everything is done by implied comment or hints... she won't say can you take that upstairs for me. She will harp on it for hours, days until you do it. Example will be, "I like it when the basket is upstairs", "When your brother was here he liked the basket upstairs.", "When the basket is upstairs it is easier to manage laundry." I would always ask my mom, if you need something, just ask, "Bring the basket upstairs." But she refuses to do it. Now I know why.

[@gloriadonahue7241]

This video is so good I'm going to save it so I can listen to it over and over

[@joybanks1602]

Me too!

[@cynthiawhite1122]

Me too!!

[@someonenew9442]

Mine would ask if I’d like to cut his hair, never would I please cut his hair. Absolutely adamant, even when I’d try gentle coaxing, he ‘threatened’ going to a hairdresser or would let it grow rather than say ‘please’. So silly.

[@kjz7433]

Hi. Thank you for your content! I hope sometime you can address covert narcissist who invade your space as part of their revenge- moving two doors down, showing up at your workplace yet still claiming their victimhood in the relationship.

[@gloriadonahue7241]

Or how about living in the same house and they follow you around.....every move you make, they are right behind you watching. Very predatory.

[@kantik2118]

@@gloriadonahue7241 ... draining and obsessive, feeding on you. When they can't access to you anymore, they go crazy. And when you are narc free, during several months, you still have this "all eyes on me" feeling but it does get better.

[@anonnomous5501]

@@gloriadonahue7241 This is true. My covert narc wife does this. She's been divorcing me for months lol and still lives in my home. What I discovered is that she shows up wherever I go. Often she is watching TV in the living room and I noticed that she keeps the volume down so incredibly low that there is no way she can comfortably hear the TV. She does this to keep tabs on me in the house. So, she can be on the couch watching TV comfortably for a while, while I am in my office. As soon as she hears me shuffling around in the kitchen, getting a snack or whatever, she gets off the couch and finds a reason to be in the kitchen with me at that precise time. This happens constantly. She needs to be in my space as often as she can. This is a phenomenon that seems to occur with narcs that I do not quite understand but it is definitely a thing. I talked to some friends about this and they think she's nuts.

[@deadparrot5953]

​@@anonnomous5501She sounds like a cat, demanding that you pay attention to her by deliberately getting in your way.

[@antheredhen]

I could say the sky is blue and my husband would disagree.. But always in a friendly joking tone.. Friendly enough it took me 30 years to figure out he almost always disagrees with random comments. Look at the green grasshopper.. Oh it's more yellow than green.. Or wow it's hot today.. Oh it's not that bad..

[@user-fk8rb8ue5h]

They are very contemptuous people

[@auniversalwoman]

This makes sooo much sense!!! I always try to be nice and gift or take care of someone and they keep treating it as if I am burdening them! But now that I know they are a narcisist, it makes sense. They think I'm trying to control them. ugh... people are crazy

[@chelleb3055]

Hi Darren, can you talk about sibling bullying/abuse? I grew up the youngest in a narcissistic sociopathic family and was terribly abused by my siblings in every way and I have c-ptsd from it. My older brother was especially terroristic. I'd love to hear you speak on the subject.

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

Hope u were able to get away from them all.

[@jadeoshaunessy8407]

Fascinating, Dr. The narcissit inlaws are like this also where is your puppy❤

[@dakoderii4221]

"Humble? Humble? I'm the humblest m********r you've ever known!" - My "father"

[@jeankipper6954]

Hahaha!!! And said SO sincerely! Oblivious to the incredibly obvious lies!

[@cookingwithzahra459]

Good job sir Stay blessed and keep sharing ♥️🥰💚😍 Many love and success

[@deniseclarke8580]

Perfect description of day to day life with my ex. If I offered cake he wanted biscuits if I wanted to decorate a room white he wanted black it was constant and exhausting. If I asked him to help he would say "that's a you problem ". If he offered to help, he never got off his bum and I ended up doing it a fay later and then be shouted at "so you don't think I'm good enough to do it. Total brain fog and don't get me started as to why he shouldn't have to wait for his monthly medication just because he refuses to take the prescription in. They should know he requires it 😂

[@kantik2118]

One of the most eye opening video on the subject!

[@joybanks1602]

YES!!! I couldn't agree more. Wish I'd found this channel earlier. Somehow Darren gets right to the point and gives us tactics that make SO MUCH SENSE!

[@marylouleeman591]

It's like with my newfound confidence in understanding what I have always been dealing with I have victory (only achievable through forgiveness of these nasty folks) that I have great amazement listening to these simple videos about one subject or another of what they do. It is so interesting following a family gathering where I experience something and am trying to put it together, wondering if I really did get it right -- what they did, said, how I felt, etc and Bingo! Darren hits the nail on the head. Yes, I was being ignored, and more interesting the person I tried to talk to is perpetually irritated with me. Granted, there is lots of family history on my part for that but -- how many years before we can let go of grudges? with some, Never. oh well, we have to just get on with our lives.

[@angelaeastwood3938]

Yep sounds very much what he was like and the situations he put me through over years. you cannot reason with these sort of people. I've learnt that lesson in life they are like 5 year olds but having male tantrums.

[@Ben-jq5oo]

I struggle with narcissism/narcissistic traits. Maybe they are a result of maternal neglect? I don’t know. I do know my mum had post natal depression (treated with ECT) and she told me she struggled to connect with a new baby. In the following years she became overly involved in all aspects of my life, to the point where I actually felt uncomfortable at times. Being gay didn’t help. It probably made her more fearful of something bad happening. It’s all very sad. I’m almost 60 and continue to take the meds I was prescribed fifteen years ago. I do feel empty most of the time, but at least the violent anger outbursts don’t happen these days; or not often anyway. Thankyou for the insight you bring to this condition.

[@cynthiawhite1122]

Maybe you could slowly win yourself off the meds...you might feel better! I sure did...meds almost killed me.

[@mr.vargas5648]

I actually tried this on the bully narcissist what happened the narcissist became almost hysterical and even became more of a bully than I ever seen before it was a weird experience because I realised how ridiculous the narcissist actually was.

[@oftin_wong]

They are stuck with the emotions of a 5 year old

[@mr.vargas5648]

@@oftin_wong Yeah and its super annoying.

[@oftin_wong]

@@mr.vargas5648 if you get annoyed they feed off that ...I know it seems counter intuitive but because they aren't rational humans ...best to not react to the BS...it can be difficult to disassociate yourself from say an ageing parent...like me

[@mr.vargas5648]

@@oftin_wong You don't have to tell me I dealt with these sort of people many times.

[@oftin_wong]

@@mr.vargas5648 I believe you Just offering support in a little way, hi from western Australia

[@carinbruin8362]

Thank you.

[@KoolT]

With VUNERABLE it keeps them in a state of helplessness

[@lustertone8587]

I would like more information about covert narcissism as I am currently in a 19 year relationship and through recent individual therapy have come to understand that a great deal of this is occurring in my spouse and it is leading to difficulty with working through and healing from my CPTSD

[@user-lo9po5mp5u]

He should do a video on narcissist as a stepfather of s son.

[@jeankipper6954]

I greatly appreciate your presentation. This is a tough, complex issue. Your demeanor is very helpful. By the way, I'm watching from about a 2 hour drive West of Seattle, Washington State, the furthest Northwest part of the contiguous USA.. Another couple of hours, and the next land is Japan.

[@ndflips9565]

I know someone with ASD and demand avoidance, the description you give is so like them... Its very confusing, and it's easy to mislabel when there are so many overlaps

[@user-wv8zz1iv5v]

Exactly, excellent!

[@metalbrainmextrememetalent6810]

My narc ex would have dissenting opinions on things I would talk about even if she had no idea what happened. I would have to google things and show her she’s wrong. Annoying moron she was.

[@wintermatherne2524]

Ugh! My mom in a nutshell.

[@SimoneJassmann-jr5bl]

Thank you this is very helpful

[@77thTrombone]

Eager to give tasking, and loath to empower: Means: the spouse is harangued, while the kids do not learn chores - in fact, all excuses to avoid teaching personal responsibility are tossed into life's path - and they tend to get catered to. Then, when they are old enough to know better, they start getting harangued for being irresponsible. Happily, the wife dragged me deeper into parenting deeper, earlier than most guys, and all have benefited from that effort of hers. Otherwise, it's a "running gunfight" - I task a kid (with something really minor, like checking the berries in the garden) - and she jumps to their defense. Very frustrating.

[@mellybrown7667]

Would you say that not wanting to accept a present off you is a trait..I gave this person a gift and they looked angry as though they didn't want to take it, they did but clashed it on the side and changed the subject 🤔..it was the strangest experience. Oh also when I gave them a complicated it was met wit silence and again , hidden anger?..would these be possible traits Darren ?

[@user-tb5lw9fb7k]

Yes, they act put off when you give them gifts, and they aren't grateful. No matter what you do for them, it is never enough. They are just miserable people.

[@GGVanilla]

Based on my experience giving narcissists gifts this is what I believe they hate it: because it would make YOU feel good about yourself, it would make you feel generous and kind. If they reject it or make a big stink about it then they leave you spinning your wheels about what you did wrong… which they just love. They LOVE to make you second guess yourself.

[@mellybrown7667]

​@@user-tb5lw9fb7kyes exactly!!!

[@kantik2118]

@@mellybrown7667 they do this stuff on purpose and it's called devaluation. They know you are better than them but since you are too kind and naive and didn't catch up what kind of people they are, they Will devalue you in every possible way to destroy your Light and take your power. To do that, they must disrespect you, belittle you, mock or provoke you. They make all things about them to make you Doubt and work for their attention, validation and make the relationship go on their terms. And to understand THEIR terms: it's the humbling strategy. You are better than them or have the potential so they tear you down to devalue you. They contradict, confuse you and drain you in every possible way to put the Light out of you, on them and make you chase/ serve them. They also waste your time/ energy so that the beautiful things you were once meant to accomplish would never realize and your life Will be about them.

[@acbdef9665]

​​@@GGVanillayes I can say I 'm confused there. But I do apologise sincerely when I say or do something wrong. I gave a birthday present to my younger sister she seemed pleased with. She just gave me back an sms happy birthday! But as I love giving presents it is not a pbm. She gave me back some present I offered my mother still with the label (never been used) was kind of sad . Yes I m fussy about food but got allergies I can't explain. The border is really thin between being abused and all the defensive schemes you learn to put in place, and being really a narc. I've always feared I could be The bad narc. So.... They also have always but the blame on me being a problem a burden a something... Not enough or too much... I can say I avoid them. Just being exhausted of all these years. Lot of shame and fears. And nightmares and the insecure feeling is all I can say. 🎉❤ They gaslight you so much you don't know where to stand on firm ground... 🌼😱 Lot of unfairfullness too. The betrayal trauma is there too.

[@yarnarrutor9418]

How does PDF (pervasive demand avoidance) tie in with narcissism? Seems like a limb of the covert narcissist tree.

[@KoolT]

The think they're entitled

[@jgarcia2305]

5:50 Stuck in a k-hole, good sir?! Just teasing :3 it’s an outtake that slipped through the cracks. It freaked me the hell out cuz when you suddenly stopped talking and your eyes widened it cut to an ad! Otherwise, great content. It really gives you the tools to identify behaviors and protect yourself. I used to argue and think they were just really difficult. But now i know better. I sort of just shut down or stonewall. It’s a lot harder having to live with one, tho… with kids of our own :/ Anyway, I’m done dumping my purse. Keep up the great work!

[@beverlystover3987]

If you could expound upon co dependency I must be blind sided because I don’t know what exactly this is !

[@KoolT]

You're great

[@spaideman7850]

coffee, tea or cow dung...choose

[@mikepecora2638]

I have a very unhappy 44 year old daughter who has all the characteristics described in this video. My impression is there is nothing that can be done to help her. Can you point me to videos or documentation that gives me some hope?

[@alicewright4322]

2:00 is someone who developed a gluten intolerance during a relationship which magically disappeared the second the relationship ended an example? the gluten intolerance meant that 80 % of the options were off the table and extra money and effort had to be used for every meal. then as soon as they are responsible for their own food again, it turns out they instantly have no gluten intolerance.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Try living in New Joisey Disagreeableness can save you

[@shell587]

The narcissist I'm dealing with is a diabetic and refuses to eat properly. He lives on candy and junk food. He's had EMS here 3 times and the last time they took him to the hospital for 3 days and a $600.00 bill for the ride. You would think he would get it. Nope. I'm looking for my exit. Even when it comes to their own health they have to prove you're wrong. So be it. You can't fix stupid.

[@oftin_wong]

You'll be happier and more content ..if you harden yourself to them and just get away ...don't return

[@cynthiawhite1122]

Love this, "You can't fix stupid!"

[@tmtb80]

100,000,000,0000,000%%% YES !!!!!

[@keeyta333]

I love your videos but they’re so quiet.

[@Through2You]

You should try projecting your voice a little.