Dealbreaker: No Male “Friends” for Wife, Girlfriend

[@RubyRings12]

In my experience these “friends” where all romantic narcissistic supply sources. “Side Chicks”

[@digitastic]

male or female, the m.o. is the same unfortunately.

[@i1pro]

47:20 I love the end. "This is not jealousy, this is science!!" Great information and very well presented. Women really don't know how males think.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

Some women have a pretty good idea about how guys think... it's just unfortuante that the reason we do know is because of predatory male "friends" that have shown us why we shouldn't trust all men. I'm not saying all men are untrustworthy or predatory - I just mean that it was a rude awakening to the fact that men have a way of thinking about women that we maybe weren't aware of before. I know that for me, I realised this after having multiple male "friends" over the years either become aggressive/pushy/angry when I didn't want to hook up or date them, or there was an instance where I was outright attacked and assaulted by a guy that was my "friend" for over a year. The really difficult thing is that not all guys show red flags, so women don't question the friendship becuse everything seems platonic and safe, but they don't realise what could really be going on in a guys mind.

[@stealthisvibe9208]

@@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89 excellent response. I had to learn the hard way about their intentions. But never again. :)

[@MG-sj2re]

Thank you for another amazing lecture, Sam. It came at the perfect time. The worst is that oftentimes men will complain about male loneliness and suicide in society (which I know is a very real issue) but then when we try to befriend them they sexually harass us 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@RubyRings12]

Yes, women always think the sex will lead to a relationship and this is not how men think.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

That's not always true. I only ever had a "friends with benefits" once, and I stated from the beginning that I didn't want to date at all ever, but eventually I just cut all contact because he kept trying to convince me to be his girlfiend even though I told him from the get go that I had no interest in a relationship. So, I'm just saying... not necessarily *all* women think sex will lead to a relationship.

[@spencerfrankclayton4348]

My guy cheated on me last year and dumped me. (I'm a girl.) While we were together he always tried to seemingly "hide" me from this particular female friend. I'm pretty sure they're together now. Even if not, I have a feeling she "disrupts" any relationship he has.

[@csanchez1020]

Oddly enough, I learned this truth from the narcassist. His intention was of course to isolate and control me. But, he wasn't wrong about the men. He made it easy to understand. For example, the male friends that I'd hear from now and then, like a fisherman checking his lobster traps.

[@Suskinwalton]

Same. He didn’t like that I was poly and had other partners (first sign I shouldn’t have dated him). He didn’t like that I have male friends. He didn’t trust them, and he told me, “All your guy friends secretly want to f*ck you.” I was shocked, so I asked one of them. Instead of saying No, he said, “Well…..”🤷🏻‍♀️ Big eye opener for me.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I think you're right that men are more attracted to women than the other way around. Im straight but hardly ever attracted to anybody who is attracted to me.

[@MelModica]

I agree, I rarely see men Im attracted to and very rarely look at any men in a sexual way, even my musician or actor crushes I dont look at in a sexual way. This is why a lot of women dont realize how most men are looking at us because were not looking at them the same! Im 42 and honestly I never realized a lot of times when men were coming onto me unless they were extremely blunt. I used to think men and women could be friends but not so much now.

[@TheBraunzone]

Sam, do more of these "relationship videos " . Thanks!

[@annamelanie5151]

A man is only as faithful as his options. Quote from a famous American comedian. Elaborated by famous international psychologist, Dr. Vaknin.

[@geoffharrison5893]

Chris Rock also stated, "If you are trying to get $400 from an ATM at 4 o'clock in the morning, don't you think a psychologist should pop out?". The alignment of philosophy and psychology in the strongest comedians, their ability to break down human behaviour and comment upon it, clear correlation.

[@arklightning6058]

Same with women, sugar.

[@firefox8713]

I eliminate my options

[@i1pro]

This is also a great lesson for parents of young girls... Specially for mothers that don't know how males think.

[@Watermelonn8990]

This video is so necessary for everyone. Thank you!

[@marzrex4219]

This is so important to understand. You really see the problem!

[@dociledeer3818]

There is no advantage in being stupid. If a woman pulls the crap "he's just a friend" GET OUT!

[@OlympianVenus]

My boyfriend swears his female friends are just friends like sisters and there’s no sexual attraction. I told him I will not have that and he has had to get rid of them.

[@laurodren]

Just leave. Trust me. Ultimatum never work and men with women friends are walking red flags

[@historylover9999]

Yeah don't end up like me 🤡🤡🤡

[@SaturnineVastness]

''clap, clap, clap''

[@audreyandrea460]

That won’t help, though. You need to choose a man who is good then work to keep him; not a man who is bad and requires your work to change him.

[@jayredz7807]

Men are not respected who listen. Furthermore, men who do not have access to other women are perceived as weak. Are you guys still together?

[@jazeenharal6013]

The guy she told you not to worry about. Good luck if you're cool with that 🤣

[@Gheir-xe4mv]

Can it be trusted that a gay friend is 100% gay? My instinct is to set boundaries on male friends no matter the proffesed sexual orientation of the friend even if there is evidence that they are gay. Alot of women nowadays try and make exceptions for such friends, but sexual orientation can be fluid.

[@samvaknin]

Many gay men are either bisexual or have occasional sex also with women.

[@MrUzminiNu]

100% true 😂

[@gravedesires]

100% No male friend's.

[@ZoltarFTW]

@Prof. Sam Vaknin, how do you think your theory of "unigender" would fit with men and women in the Millenial and Gen Z cohorts being more capable of having a "platonic" friendship. If there is little to no perception of gendered differences (and therefore gendered attraction) between the two , would it not then hold that it would be much easier to maintain a relationship predicated on no romantic/sexual attraction. Also, I believe one factor Evolutionary Psychology seemingly fails to take into consideration with its claims about the lack of male "costs" in regards to sexual activity would be the social/cultural "costs" (which in restrospect seems obvious considering culture is anthemic to anything remotely scientific). For example, one of the "successes" (and I use that term loosely) of the MeToo movement is to have re-instilled a social/cultural cost for male sexual aggression and predatory behaviour, although I believe it will fail in the long-run if it stays in its current form as it is inconsistent in its application of these punishments (at best) and frankly does not offer men any actual incentives to act otherwise, it is purely punitive. But what do I know, I am just a KZbin commenter looking for a hit of that sweet Narcisitic supply.😁

[@hockeymikey]

Good question

[@samvaknin]

Excellent points.

[@ZoltarFTW]

@@samvaknin I would also like to add my hypothesis that the aforementioned MeToo movement may also partially explain the Millenial and Gen Z cohort's ability to have intergender platonic relations. Some men may simply fear being "canceled" or accused of "misbehaviour" and not find an attempt to initiate sex as worthwhile (especially if they are more risk-adverse). I believe older generations are most likely less sensitive to this anxiety.

[@ZoltarFTW]

@@stoneneils Sorry, can't personally be of much help there. Have you tried TikTok ?

[@rancho-relaxo-radio]

Mind-blowing video, professor Vaknin! My son is 7 years old. Is there any chance he will be friends with the opposite sex in the future or will he be another opportunist? Is there anything mothers can do for their sons in this particular matter?

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

Great questions! And kudos to you for being aware enough to even think to ask these questions. It's really nice to see parents wanting to help their kids as much as they can :)

[@sweetleaf6100]

Seems like the dad might even start pressuring him into getting a gf, or shaming him as he gets older (if he doesn't have one) seems like your kid could potentially end up anxious and insecure, especially around females. Id limit contact with his father to supervised visits tbh..

[@rancho-relaxo-radio]

Thanks!@@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89

[@LauriGarlock]

​@@sweetleaf6100a bit extreme and premature advice.

[@petralee574]

Women poach husbands and boyfriends all the time … they say it’s platonic but they turn up the heat until their “friend” finally gives in - their target’s spouse, girlfriend…. Etc has literally no chance to even compare to the immense firestorm of hormones that are at play here 😢

[@beepboop9519]

Men do it too lol

[@Gheir-xe4mv]

Men in this day in age have to build a foundation for a long term relationship, it is a painstaking process. Here are some of my thoughts on the process: The current culture is uniquely anti long term relationship compared to any other time in history. You have men who pal around with women and since they are not long term relationship seekers, feed womens ego that this is normal in all circumstances and they end up looking virtuous to women at first. Often these men are playing a numbers game and may very well just be being friendly at the time with most of them (they got plenty of women they interact with so why set boundaries). These men have the cultural privilege of the times. Often men who want a serious relationship with one woman find themselves having to fight back the influence of these other men by setting boundaries. The culture however takes the side of the socially and/or sexually promiscuous man like never before in history. Long term relationships do not have the right religous or legal backing that they once had either.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

If it's real, why is it painstaking

[@jassminyoung2605]

I completely and wholeheartedly agree. As a millenial, and somewhat conservative at that, I am feeling somewhat hopeless about finding a long term connection. Currently, men of my generation have been spoiled by other women having lowered their standards (myself included) and it is even harder to attract and hold their attention! I haven't given up yet as I really wish to have a family someday but I am definitely concerned about the state of affairs between men and women today. I have no doubt that the right man for me will find me but I will certainly have to wade through many unsuitable men that have been swayed and made ill by this perverse sexual culture.

[@LauriGarlock]

Men have no standards and are being called spoiled by women that actually have standards, but if she chooses to be with a man trying to find a true connection with, are being labeled as low standards? Do Men really hate your selves that much to degrade a woman for wanting you? Makes no damn sense. Yall ate lucky we want you. Cherish us. Love and accept yourself first. Idiots.​@jassminyoung2605

[@cinsifrit9860]

This is why I've never had female friends. The thought never came to my mind, I would even say. If there is a lady that I'm close with, that is probably my spouse. I don't even bother speaking a girl I'm not attracted to so why even establish a friendship.

[@newjerseefemale]

This makes so much sense, this is why we need to revert back to, Ways of signaling.

[@alyssaanamaria007]

I am a single woman. I have male friends, but it is tiring. I long for only one man to share life with. The studies indicate my hope is an absurb impossibility and I now feel disheartened. False hope wastes life so time for me to see men as always sexual opportunists.

[@gsmooth4279]

A decent man may still have some sexual thoughts for you, but he won’t act on them if you don’t let him

[@digitastic]

I prefer to keep the company of other men. I do have female acquaintances however I choose to keep a distance and have strong ethics and boundaries, as I don't want to mislead anyone. If and when I choose a closer relationship with a woman, there absolutely is a sexual interest and I will not hide it. Admit I have been burnt by narcs in the past and now see fucking around as a bad exchange of energy and only ever depletes my sense of value within myself. Also admit this took me a coupe decades to learn this! This hook up culture is not for me, I find it distasteful, vulgar and saddening.

[@robylintjables]

If language and communication between men and women is more confusing today than ever, why do you think it's more possible for millennials and Gen Z to have male-female friendships?

[@samvaknin]

These are not friendships. These are avoidant pseudo-relationships. They are terrified of sex, commitment, investment, and intimacy.

[@Antinome82]

Nothing more inauthentic than male-female friendships. Just walk away if she insists keeping her male friends while entering a relationship with you. Though purely anecdotal, sometimes there is no overperception or ambiguity on either side of the sexes. The man made his sexual advances initially to the female and he was put down (relegated to the "friendzone" as it's colloquially named) but for some mysterious reason he continued being friends with her. Other times the male friend has already had sex with her in the past and is waiting for a possible second turn. Common denominator in all those situations, the female has little or zero sexual attraction to the man but his presence fulfils other needs. In the context of a relationship, he can be utilised to manipulate/triangulate against the main partner, to keep her options open and conveniently proclaim "ohh but we are just friends, you are insecure" when you confront her.

[@LionXV1]

Great summary.

[@laurodren]

It’s the same other way around

[@gravedesires]

well said!

[@robertriordan1823]

She'd be wiser walking away from you. No one owns anyone else; to think you can only betrays your own insecurity.

[@Antinome82]

@@robertriordan1823 Nothing "secure" about it. Only negative outcomes: drama, emotional cheating, fakeness, infidelity. The male "friend" is almost always secretly in love with the woman and HATES YOU.

[@zvezdanakuzmanovic]

Professor, don't you think this video should be warning for woman instead of man? I think we are in trouble 😅

[@samvaknin]

It is a warning for women: men are incapable of friendship.

[@zvezdanakuzmanovic]

@@samvaknin I agree, thanks a lot!

[@c.oliviamiller1681]

@41:08 I do not perceive my male friends’ romantic attraction for me as a threat at all! I know my male friends desire me. I know I am beautiful and desirable and I know they can’t help their desire because they are men. I often witness the lusty eyes my male friends have for me. But this is why I only allow myself to be friends with certain type of men. I would never be friends with an alpha, dominant type of guy! It wouldn’t work. I choose to be friends with men who are a bit more soft and obedient lol. I need to be the dominant one in a male female friendship in order for it to work.

[@Doidao-xx5vf]

All my ex gfs would try to get me to be okay with them having male friends but when I had female friends they would get extremely upset and start fights lmaooo. I always told them if they get rid of her male friends I would get rid of my female friends but they didn’t want to. So I would keep mine aswell.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

@@Doidao-xx5vf That's fair! If the gf/wife is allowed male friends then the male partner should be allowed female friends too.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

I'm the same. I'll only be friends with guys who respect boundaries. My guy friends are friends that I've met through specific hobbies or work - like martial arts or university etc, so if we catch up it's to talk about that stuff. I only catch up in public places (I'd never go to their houses or invite them to my house, and I would never stay at someones house overnight ever, even if it was a female friends house), and I'm only friends with guys if they respect my boundaries. I know they'd want to hook up and sleep with me even though I've been with my husband for 13 years now lol I KNOW guys are like that, and I'm very up front about this to them - if they ever try anything on or even hint at it, I'll drop them like a sack of sh!t and the friendship is over, because at that point they've shown they don't even respect me enough as a friend to maintain the boundary I set between us. My husband has female friends and I don't care - I know he has the same boundaries as I do, and I trust him to be faithful. We've met each others friends but we don't hang out together because we find each others friends boring hahaha My husband has zero interest in martial arts, so he's happy that I can go to a coffee shop and drink coffee for an hour with a guy friend from training so we can talk about training and then my husband doesn't have to suffer through me talking to him about it lmao. My husband also knows that if any guy friends tried anything with me I'd put them in the ground 😂 I think as long as we aren't oblivious to what men are like and if we are willing to set firm boundaries and if we are also willing to cut guy friends off if they don't respect the boundaries, then there's no problem. I'd be more concerned than anything if a female friend told me she had a guy friend that was "totally zero percent interested in her ever" etc, because then that's like... uh oh.. please be careful, because that could be dangerous (if she honestly thought there was zero interest and he turned out to be the predatory type or something)..

[@sandragalloway3275]

What you say is so true.... all mixed up. No wonder relationships are on the slide, quite sad.

[@OlympianVenus]

@Sam Vaknin. Is this research also including narcissistic men? My boyfriend uses his female classmates so they could do his assignments but wondering whether narcissistic men also always look for sex or can it be just services?

[@williammccandlish4743]

This was so interesting. This is science!

[@MajorieRoyal]

We evolve physically but also mentally emotionally as over time we are not in the time of survivak as much and it as modified our perceptions and feelings slowly. If we can grow an extra toe over centuries to adapt to a new need, we can probably change our natural unconscious mindset as a species too.

[@brendanthebdog]

Almost every single female friend I've had I ended up fooling around with at some point. And we legitimately were friends, not working the beta orbiter angle. Plus, crashing on the couch sucks if you've got the bed invite.

[@gravedesires]

Same

[@kippen64]

What if the woman's male friend is gay?

[@samvaknin]

Many gay men are either bisexual or have occasional sex also with women.

[@robertriordan1823]

No, they don't: a man who defines himself as gay has sex with men, a bisexual with both men and women. I have been a gay man for 40 years. I and most of my gay friends all have close friendships with women, without any jealousy from their partners. Your very uninformed and inaccurate reply has put me off watching any more of your videos. You should not make statements about things you obviously have no experience of, especially when they are as divisive as this one. Any mature person of either sex knows that deep friendship is far more important than a cheap shag, for God's sake.

[@Now2Sense]

A super intresting Topic Doc!

[@gafer8808]

Great words I agree with you there is no such thing, so there are many Religions oppose the concept of friendship between men and women, because nature leads to this thing in the end, great video, thank you

[@robertriordan1823]

What is more natural than friendship - whoever is involved? Isolation is the leading cause of mental illness today. How ironic that a so- called expert is telling people who they should and shouldn't befriend.

[@dominamortis1111]

Okay, so for a man he can never truly be friends with a woman because the option for sex will always be open for him. Does this work for blood-family as well? Do fathers find their adult daughters sexually attractive or is there a cut off there? What about brothers and sisters? But a woman can view a man the same way as she would a female friend or family member. As a playmate on the playground or someone to confide in after a hard day. But a man would interpret this as a sexual advance, even if their logical mind knew better. So knowing this, could we re-think the concept of relationships and friendships entirely to combat things like jealousy and infidelity? If we understand HOW the sexes interpret social interactions, and it's not whatever archaic Mid-Evil model we've been using for awhile now, can't we use this to reshape and redefine what human relationships SHOULD be, instead of being constantly at odds? Because we refuse to let go of this mindset - it causes a lot of conflict amongst humanity. Whole wars have been started because of a Queen catching the eye of someone other than the King. People died over that jealousy. Maybe it's time for a paradigm shift.

[@tashabourgoin2619]

Wow this explains a lot.

[@zimzob]

If you are wondering about a partner's opposite-sex friend , you need ask only one question : Can I meet him?

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

Exactly. I’m female and have a couple male friends - I always invite their girlfriends/wives to catch up with us when we get coffee, and I invite my boyfriend too. They’ll be really bored because our partners are not interested in the hobbies that my friends and I share (which is okay, they don’t have to like our random hobbies) but I still like to invite the partners along so they can see that everything’s above board and what not. I don’t mind at all because I know I’ve got nothing to hide.

[@Lina_Salma]

My narc drives an Escalade 🤣😂

[@HerbertGoldstein-gy3gy]

What about gay friends?

[@samvaknin]

Read the comments.

[@HerbertGoldstein-gy3gy]

@@samvaknin I have now, thank you. Actually a stupid question to ask from me, since my ex girlfriend that was involved with a lot of gay guys told me that they also have sex with women, especially in certain sub cultures like the techno, rave scene

[@mayam6678]

I know that any "male" friend I had and still have (exept a gay one), are wating for the moment, they could pounce on me. Ive been using that to my advantage on some occations... lol...

[@mayam6678]

@@billlyons7024 gross? 🤔🤔🤔

[@Private-nu6yc]

That's a very narcissistic self-perception. You are not that special to warrant such efforts.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

I feel the same way... or in the very least there's a sense that some of those guys stick around just in case I change my mind or something... I kind of let those friendships just die off over time to be honest, because any guy that's friends with me for legitamate reasons (like a shared hobby - martial arts, university or whatever) will be friends with me even if they know I will never think of them as anything other than platonic friends, and with those friends we usually catch up for an hour or so here and there to chat about our shared hobby, whatever it is. The guys who are the "waiting for the opportunity" type tend to distance themselves and disappear on their own once they know they haven't got a shot... which to be honest can take a surprising amount of time. You'd think they'd clear off when they find out I've been with the same guy for 13 years now lol, but nope, some of them still think they have a shot haha.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

@@Private-nu6yc Women don't even need to be attractive for some guys to want to sleep with them - it's a biologically driven thing.

[@stealthisvibe9208]

@@Private-nu6ycthis is vagina envy

[@Emma.E.Emerson]

Sad. But all my males friends really had crushes on me....even ones too old for me. Women really can have platonic male friends....but often disappointed... because the truth comes out. Not to be unkind but if very unattractive, a woman can have male friends, but often these men are just using them as mother figures.... sounding boards. These men maybe are self centered....not sure how to label them. Often in these cases these women if same age as these men, wish the men will want more, and truly see their good hearts....but others are just martyrs? Not sure. Would love to hear more on what I just wrote.

[@ritafarruggio2025]

I love your video

[@canUfeelMYface]

Its like you read my mind