Dismissive Avoidants & the On and Off Relationship Cycle | How to Heal!

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In this eye-opening video, Thais Gibson delves deep into the tumultuous cycle of on-and-off relationships experienced by the dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style). Gain profound understanding of the dynamics at play within your relationships as Thais shares invaluable guidance and practical tips for immediate transformation. For life-changing insights, explore the empowering course, How to Repair Any Relationship.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:39 - What is the On & Off Dynamic for DAs
00:03:41 - The 2 Stages of a Relationship
00:06:56 - Erosion of the Relationship
00:07:44 - What To Do
00:09:27 - If You're On the Receiving End
00:11:50 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Repair Any Relationship
00:12:26 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantRelationship #DismissiveAvoidantCourse

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Have you experienced this on and off cycle? How did it affect you?

[@hannah2.049]

As an anxious preoccupied it made me exhausted and I lost a lot of myself. But I have learned a lot about my needs as well. Took 4 1/2 years to understand that this dynamic is toxic. Love won't fix this.

[@hannah2.049]

Also, I thought it was me causing the rollercoaster. Took a lot of the blame on myself. This video explains a lot. 🙏🙏🙏

[@Redstiletto22]

Thais do you offer courses FOR the dismissive avoidant to heal? I only see one for the partner. Thanks and I’m enjoying your videos

[@1974Lozza]

Ultimately it broke me. Nearly 3yrs of this before we finally split 4 months ago. I have no idea what she’s doing but I’m now in therapy. The worst thing I’ve ever been through, and I’m 49 and been through a divorce. I’m AP and aware that I have my own issues…but I’d just like her to tell me what I did to deserve this.

[@robbertag808]

It almost broke me several times in 9.5 years and ultimately broke me completely...

[@paige8361]

Being in a relationship with a DA feels like constantly crawling through one of those laser-beam maze rooms trying not to trigger them.

[@ZhengSW]

Imagine not being able to see those laser-beams at all! That's how it was for an AP without any PDS work.

[@ZhengSW]

@@sunbeam9222 The APs never leave the dance so it will always end with the DA tossing the AP aside like trash.

[@robbertag808]

@@ZhengSW true

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@ZhengSWthen the AP's should join PDS and heal themselves.

[@paige8361]

​@@sunbeam9222 Whenever I realized the relationship was taking a toll on my happiness and mental health. I am a naturally super happy, excitable, bubbly, open person and I allowed him to dull my sparkle. I felt like a shell of myself. He really hurt me by ghosting twice after it got serious (first asking me to move in then after him sending me flowers/ talking about me being his wife) and I was just over it. Kept getting my hopes up only to get crushed right after. Wish him all the best and I pray that he heals from anything that has ever hurt him and every past wound, but I couldn't let that relationship blow out the candles on my cake anymore.

[@wulfclaw4921]

This is SO close to Covert Narcissist that it's eerie. My opinion....get past the heartbreak and breathe ... Distance.....keep walking, don't look back. Pray for them, let God deal with it. 😢😅

[@michaelwensley]

I did four years of this w/ my DA ex, ending nine months ago. We've stayed in contact and the saddest part is to see that she is less happy, more emotionally disregulated, and suffers a great deal more than when she was our relationship, yet her subconscious tells her she's way better off. The cognitive distortion is both remarkable in its magnitude and very sad to see in someone I care about.

[@ZhengSW]

I'm glad your DA ex still keeps in contact with you. Mine blocked me off everything and ended it with one text "I'm done". Haven't heard from her since and had to get some of my stuff back through her cousin.

[@drmontano9414]

🏆

[@Brandon-yr3nj]

worry about yourself mate; I promise your ‘analysis’ of your dismissive ex is too full of projections to mean anything at all. I mean Jesus Christ, who the hell are you to say whether or not she is right about her own emotions? so freakin weird when anxious people do that.

[@michaelwensley]

​@Brandon-yr3nj Ya. No. Not thrilled to respond to a malignant internet troll but the idiocy of a comment from a person with truly zero information regarding the facts and circumstances is nearly beyond my comprehension. How do I know? Because we remain close friends and she told me she's in the middle of the worst depressive episode of her life, depression she didn't suffer for the past four years, you presumptuous idiot. And this disclosure was at a time separate and apart from saying she's better off alone. Use your brain, simpleton. Those two things are incompatible, an apparent contradiction, a paradox. Applying basic knowledge regarding DA distortions leads to reasonable theories. Geese, I see the Dunning Kruger effect displayed before me in full technicolor. Folks on here are trying to share personal experiences for the insight and benefit of others and then a flippant jackass like you, "dismisses" the experiences of those with first hand knowledge, making diagnoses of defense mechanisms in people he never met, from the comfort of his phone. What is the agenda? To thwart the benefit others may enjoy? Did someone hit a nerve too close to home? Do tell. I'm interested in your defense or your antisocial message.

[@drmontano9414]

@@Brandon-yr3nj You woke up Dr Wensley bruh

[@chiaraA.]

The only reason they are on and off is because the other person lets them come back into their world. If you don’t find this type of thing too hurtful to be around, good for you. As for me discarded once - that was enough for me to understand this is not going to be healthy for my life and I could do so much better, even just being alone…. Yes they came back and they experienced from me what is was like to be turned away without fanfare or fuss. Just a no thank you. Protecting myself when they broke my trust and sense of safety was my responsibility and how I protected myself from future harm. Maintaining my self respect and leaving the future open to a healthy partner coming into my life is the only thing I’m interested in

[@maralinautube]

I know that'll RIGHT Sis! I had a lot of TRAUMA to unpack & be Delivered from, so I ALLOWED my DA to come back way TIMES too MANY!😭

[@nicolabrittain3101]

an excruciatingly painful pattern

[@marinab2503]

Good for you. You sound secure Weather that’s been your attachment from the get go or you shifted into being secure…I deeply respect that you chose to love and respect yourself. I hope you found a great secure partner that makes you feel loved, safe and appreciated. You deserve it❤

[@Sheherhis]

Wow you put this into great words. My aa style is becoming more secure and this is how I'm starting to see things myself.thank you, for your comment!❤👏🏾👏🏽👏🏾

[@masielpena1398]

My DA broke up for he thought "I was going to leave him" like his ex did and his family, when in reality I was trying to understand him and make things work, it hurt me a lot, but after three months of no contact I realized I can't be with someone that doesn't love me the way I would love myself, feeling anxious and insecure. I love him & wish him the best but I can't go back ❤

[@BetterLoveMovement]

Please don’t go back. Take the time you need to heal and then move forward. Start dating again and be certain to LOOK for the red flags of dismissive avoidance.

[@friendlyfire3678]

Please don’t go back. Love yourself enough to protect your heart from that type of pain. Not only does the abandonment hurt but the way they make us beg…only to be treated this way repeatedly.

[@howdybruvva]

FML money did the same..was never going to leave. Absolutely heart breaking and maddening behavior 🫠☠️😭

[@eileendom5858]

I broke up for the 3rd and last time from the DA. The first time we broke up, he came back after 5 months away and then ghosted me. The second time he came back and said he did inner work and wasn’t going to leave me. We even moved in together after 1 year. Huge step for him. Then we made it past the 2nd year which he was so afraid of bc he knows his own pattern. But then after a trip to Thailand in March with was the 3rd month past his expiration date, he told me he needed to live alone and we weren’t working. He didn’t like who he was becoming and he didn’t want to change who I am. He wanted me to say something, but I was just exhausted at that point. Constantly feeling his distance causing me anxiety and no consistency. I walked away. I told him I was talked out.

[@michellinesyjuco5234]

When he came back the first time, after 5 months apart, was it a slow process or did he come back and act like nothing had happened

[@eileendom5858]

After 5 months he came back saying a day did not go by where he didn’t think of me. Then said, let’s not say too much and let’s get together again. I went back without doing any work and he wanted more from me but I wasn’t comfortable so fast. Then we broke up shortly after for a year. He would email and I ignored. Once I felt healed, he came for me aggressively with non stop communication.

[@maralinautube]

Sis you said you all talked out!!!🗣 I hear👂🏾& feel you!🙄🤭🤣

[@michellinesyjuco5234]

@@eileendom5858thats so strange that they come back as if nothing really happened. Im almost at the 5 month mark since he distanced himself. We had a minor fight but he said he was extremely hurt that I said I didnt feel like I was a priority and all these little flaws like the fact that I use the word “whatever”. He said I showed indifference a lot. Honestly seemed like a very minor argument that I thought would get resolved in a few days. But its been months and he hardly ever replies.. and the one other time this happened, was just for 10 days and he came back as if nothing ever happened.

[@hellswindstaff91]

I hope you are in a better place now. Your ex sounds like my recent ex girlfriend who is a DA she said the exact same words to me weeks before her flaky behavior and eventually tossed me to the curb she said she didn't like the person she was becoming. I was confused I never heard anyone say that before and I didn't understand where it came from.

[@ink_stain525]

Thais has really helped me get my avoidant ex gf back. How to not take things personally and truly understand her wounds in ways I simply cannot relate to. I’m anxious working towards secure. I felt amazing when she recently told me how safe she feels with me. She compared me to a ferocious bear she can trust. She’s starting to trust me again and I’m working on giving her her space, freedom, etc. this is after 2 years of painful hot and cold taking. Changing my tone and not being upset about her withdrawing made a huge difference. Also coach Corey Wayne helped lol. Cmon mannn

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤❤❤

[@amytiffanyhemingway]

it's that simple. Accept them the way they are. Be the best you. Be secure. Be there for them if you love them.

[@dannywholuv]

This should be a lesson about yourself and what you put up with. Work towards being secure and youll not put up with this carryon of distancing, lack of communication, secretive nature etc. There is healthier out there. I wish you good luck

[@ink_stain525]

@@dannywholuv i like to take responsibility for my part. My insecurities were causing a rift. Once I got them under control everything’s been great. People who don’t take accountability may agree with you a bit more strongly.

[@Atanasisa]

God bless you, it's not easy what you have, you gave me a hope.❤ I'm married to DA, I'm anxious. Please do you have any suggestions or advice for counselling as a couple. We are living in Manchester UK.

[@MrSamIAm39]

She began falling for me at the 6 month mark and over two weeks discarded and faded. Broke my heart!!

[@Ellael98]

omg!!!!!! That’s why I always feel like I am not good/pretty/nice/etc. Enough around any DA - because of the flaw finding…. With the guys I never feel like they really find me attractive etc. and it’s mirrored in my insecurities and their flaw finding

[@journeytojourdan]

Facts!

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Same. I always had to ask him whether he found me attractive. I never got any compliments , instesd all my flaws whether perceived , imaginary or real were amplified or magnified ten times more. When i got employee of the month for ecample i showed him and he looked at it and said “nice” .

[@JA99]

Just learning now that my ex is a DA. He broke things off 10 days ago, no contact. Looking back he is textbook DA, which helps me so much learn and understand why he said and he did things. I am still willing to work things out, but he has to want to put in the work, which I very much doubt he will at this time. He has no awareness of it and now I'm just another one of his "crazy exes". Oh well.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

Trust me, you dodged a bullet! RUN and don’t ever look back. It doesn’t get better.😢

[@JA99]

@@BetterLoveMovement thanks, so I've been hearing about this attachment style! New for me and will be my last unhealed DA!

[@BetterLoveMovement]

@@kjjx125 I wouldn't count on it. It's just not the TIME and mental health you would have to expend to see small results. Find someone who is actually capable and wiling to meet your needs.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n And yet the common denominator is THEM!🙄

[@BetterLoveMovement]

@@JA99 YES! Look at all of these videos on DA's so that you can AVOID them like the plague!

[@Mermaid03_03]

My DA always comes back around and very humbly. It’s around the 2 month mark. I’m an FA and I’ve done the same in the past but worked through it but it eroded the dynamic in the end. A rollercoaster.

[@indigoangel7209]

Damn this is exactly my story. Around two months always and humbly like you said. Such a mind f**k smh.

[@roberttruman8444]

Snap! It was because I started noticing the 2 month regularity that I googled it and quickly discovered attachment styles. There were many other factors that helped me identify dismissive/avoidant attachment, but the 2 month break was the catalyst that literally changed my life.

[@michfrank89]

Thank you Thais, you’re helping me understand myself as a DA. And why I felt like my brain was splitting in two during my last serious relationship.

[@TremendousTessa]

Good for you! I'm so glad for you that you have found PDS and can find some answers to your patterns. It must be a real relief for you to have some understanding and tools for going forward.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome. I wish you the best moving forward ❤

[@NickieNicole6]

I applaud you for acknowledging that you are a DA. Unfortunately, the comments can be brutal toward Avoidants, and sometimes, it saddens me. As an AP working towards Secure, I constantly seek to understand Avoidant attachments. With that being said, it is a beautiful thing when I see an Avoidant acknowledge and work on themselves. Love it. Keep up the good work.

[@michfrank89]

Thank you both for the kind words. Yes the chats can be pretty harsh to avoidant’s, but your kind words are the positive words we oftentimes refuse to tell ourselves. Thank you again. And much success on your healing journey.

[@saharaofthedeep]

Omg yes, splitting in 2, same. I am primarily DA right now too and I have that issue so much it makes it hard to even know what I actually think sometimes.

[@NormanZealandMalana]

Had a recent experience with a DA, for the first time. She literally told me to date other people. But now, when she sees me with someone else, she stares her down. Honestly, just dodge DAs. Even the supposed, "easy" early stages, get so confusing and frustrating.

[@Evilmindy12]

As someone who’s an avoidant with abandonment issues myself, the on and off is triggering and hurtful. I never know what will cause the other to pull away, especially since vulnerability isn’t always going to be expressed. I really try to be understanding of others and what they’ve gone through, but I also think they start taking your understanding for granted. I’ve had to learn the on and off thing with people isn’t cool, I’ve learned to communicate when I’m in distress so I don’t hurt those I love. DA come in the form of friendships too.

[@DobermanDanK9]

Great to hear you're going through the healing process. It's bloody difficult for sure, but you've got it! One question... I know the deep, unconscious fear is the driving force behind leaving, and I know you've mentioned the other person pulling away, but that's assumptions, surely? I believe I dated a DA, and I guided her through one of her darkest times, but was 'abandoned' because she didn't see herself as good enough for me (Her words). So let's say her assumption was he's going to leave me... what if it turns out that person is the one person you find deep connection with?

[@veral2274]

18 months on/ off. No more. Any sort of miscommunication that leads to conflict and that's them running away. Had a bad incident at work, asked if we could see each other in the evening, I needed a hug from my boyfriend. No, he had plans. I texted "if you can't be with me at my lowest, I might have to reconsider if this is a relationship I want to be in". He said I was trying to control him and deliberately wanting to spoil his evening out with his friend, who happens to be a woman. He didn't even accomodate the option of finding a quick way of meeting, when he lives 5m away. I find avoidants very rigid in their thinking and boundaries. If you don't want to trigger them in any way, thread carefully with them as if they were autistic.

[@ferpc0394]

I can so relate to you. Had the exact same situation with mine. I feel alone in my relationship a lot of time. At one point I’m learning better to self-sooth (as I am an AP), but I wonder if this is sustainable in the long term. I feel like my partner is able to be there for me in a better way when I explain in a rational way what I’m feeling and what I need from him. Sometimes though, I wish it came more easily

[@Intazma]

I'm at the start of my journey but its insightful how I am in relationships as a DA, trying my best to break the cycle and fix how I react in relationships. Still speak with my ex, I was with him for 9 years and it was very on and off, explosive little arguments then running away and ghosting him. I now know I was the problem but am trying my best to become secure :)

[@roberttruman8444]

Good luck on your journey and well done for making it this far. It always takes two to make or break a relationship, and your ex will had made choices that weakened the relationship too, where consciously or not. With knowing the real reason for your breakup do you find that you become re-attracted to your ex and want to reconcile, or are your feelings (whether based on true or misconceived facts) now set in stone and you feel you have one choice, to move on and just hope for the best with the next partner?

[@LG-ly7di]

This is exactly what I’ve been going through. She pulls away, goes silent! Then comes back like nothing ever happened! It’s so frustrating! We’ve known each other for 15 years. Started dating 5 years ago, and it’s been the on and off pattern ever since!

[@michellinesyjuco5234]

Does ur partner disappear for months at a time? Like 5 months? And did he come back slowly or just act like nothing happened

[@LG-ly7di]

@@michellinesyjuco5234 honestly the most she’s ever done was around 2 month. I can usually tell when she is about to deactivate because her communication will start to become less and less. The time before this one she came back and used my birthday as a way to break the ice. But never addressed why she disappeared for months. She just tried to talk and pick things up like nothing.. the crazy thing is I can always tell when she’s about to deactivate because we will usually be doing great! Laughing, flirting, and then she’ll start to distance. And ill ask her how can I help? What do you need from me? How can I better understand your needs? And she’ll just say it’s not you.. but then she’ll completely disappear

[@michellinesyjuco5234]

@@LG-ly7difor me everything seemed perfect for the first 5 months. But it happened 2 times that we fought about something minor and he pulled away. The first time was for around 10 days and the second was for about a week. But this last time its been 4 plus months now and he hardly replies. So dont know where its all going.. He said he needed time to sort himself out

[@LG-ly7di]

@@michellinesyjuco5234 in my experience. Giving them space is the best thing to do in order to get them to come back. With that said, you have to think about what’s going to be fair to yourself going forward. When he does come back he has to be willing to have a honest conversation about disappearing and how that affects you because that’s important too

[@michellinesyjuco5234]

@@LG-ly7diMost definitely. Thank u so much for the reply. Its good to know Im not the only one going thru this. He’s a wonderful person.. I know he’s not doing this to be mean or anything like that. If that were the case i would have ended it. May I ask, in your experience, did u do no contact or send a message every now and then… just to let her know that u were there when she was ready…

[@roshalllambert]

I love the way Thais explains the DAs inner world! and the steps for change

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you!

[@flagirl0315]

As soon as someone tells me they have had on and off relationships that’s already a red flag someone is dismissive or a narcissist in that relationship. My ex told me this and I knew it was a bad sign

[@BetterLoveMovement]

Very bad sign! And this opinion is from a therapist.

[@michaelwensley]

DA and NPD are stable long-term disorders. A relationship requires two people. So your thesis is that over a lifetime of relationships, if one of those relationships is on/off, two people then earn the probable diagnosis of either DA or NPD? That's some interesting diagnostic criteria, ...to say the least.

[@r_and_a]

​@@BetterLoveMovementimho it's a very bad sign when a "therapist" makes such a broad condemnation, especially based on such little information - from someone with *decades* of personal, academic & professional experiences with a variety of mental health specialists 😉 also a rather interesting sign for a "therapist" on youtube to not mention it in their channel description & to link a website that just has a generic "parked" notice from the hosting company rather than even a simple introduction page 🤔 hope people consider the source when reading such declarations rather than just accepting the appeal to authority it appears to be displaying 🤨 let alone joining a so-called "movement" of "better love" if the leader says such unloving things about so many *(not* a da myself, though have known many of varying degrees 🤓 an fa with cptsd from pathological narcissists & find the lack of distinction between the two from a "therapist" particularly troubling & frankly such a comment makes me question if not just here to try sniping subs considering thais' partner's a healed da)

[@BetterLoveMovement]

@@r_and_a 🤔 I happen to ALSO be a PERSON. So if I watch KZbin videos and make comments on them, I believe that is my right. I hope you are being paid well for being a detective and learning all about others KZbin Channels.

[@r_and_a]

@@BetterLoveMovement your reply increases my suspicion *you* promoting your previous "opinion" in this thread is "from a 'therapist'" was an effort to snipe subs as it not only lacks the professionalism & self awareness in both tone & content would expect from one promoting a "better love movement" but also that's the only point you responded to... 🤔 if i were the type to make deep accusations about others based on shallow information about them, i might note jumping straight to faux "hope" that i'm being "paid well for learning all about others' youtube channels" sure seems like projection which is frequently a tool of pathological narcissists (particularly covert/vulnerable & malignant 🫣) instead i'll note a frequent symptom of c-ptsd (which i said i have) is hypervigilance which thais' noted is sorta of fa's (which i also said i am) true attachment style in another one of her insightful videos & clicking on on the profile for one making a comment i felt was as troubling as yours then clicking their channel description (literally 3 clicks - 4 if add clicking *one* of the *multiple* links advertised there to see it essentially goes nowhere) hardly strikes me as "research" worth paying for 🤷‍♀️ stating you "happen to ALSO be a PERSON. So if [you] watch KZbin videos & make comments on them, [you] believe that is [your] right" is also strange coming from what appears to clearly be *professional* account where *you* appealed to authority in the 1st place saying your "opinion" is "from a therapist" 🤦‍♀️ moreso considering i *never* questioned your "rights" sure hope your $55 course & 2 books on amazon (also both linked in your channel's description, hence just 2 more clicks than my initial "research" i noticed when revisited your channel to doublecheck how *professional* the account was seemingly trying to sell itself) don't promote the mindset or reaction in this thread are examples of how to "choose well" or "do well" 😬

[@RoseOfSaudia]

Not necessarily from childhood. Some of them may have had these fears formed after a series of failed relationships engagements & marriges as is the case with someone I know

[@TonyN923]

I would have put myself in the secure tile after going through therapy, previously i was an avoidant and didnt want to hurt anyone again. Now im seeing a dismissive avoidant, and i feel myself slipping into the anxious part. Not good, i can't and won't go there. I am working on being secure again, i hope she sees this video works on herself and commit to work on us and our relationships

[@catastrophe9598]

A 14 year relationship with 12 years of marriage and i have yet to break thru this cycle...

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

Interesting, I thought it was the FA that was the On and Off partner. I guess this is a reason FA/DA seems to be one of the most common pairings.

[@riyajacob2909]

Yes.once an FA heal,they feel off from other avoidants. It did for me.

[@lmart16]

As an FA I learned not to trust people who go backwards instead of forwards so I end it if I feel someone not showing up the way they previously did.

[@katieandnick4113]

Maybe a DA can become more of an FA after they’ve been in a relationship for a while.

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

As a Fa I tent to flaw find aswell but I express it as if it's a need neglected.. So I'll start thinking of reasons someone isn't all that to protect myself, feeling the need to distance myself as it becomes too vulnerable or intimate but simultaneously my needs say it feels good and I don't want to loose the connection so I express these flaws I have found in the hope the other can solve it. Which is bullocks that's just how it feels. In reality it seems like I am trying to find problems or look for something to fight about. I am at the moment tho convinced this flaw is an huge problem for the relationship and I am already doing better by talking about it than by retreating. But in reality I choose the anxious way (blaming them for not loving me) over the avoidant way (ignoring, walking away). I still am working to recognise it when it is based in the fear I will feel too dependent on them and that the problems I find in the other and even to argue is a way to feel more distance again. And that those moments those problems I've found can wait and shouldn't be communicated but I should regulate myself first and realise that communicating in this state of being is not helping to solve anything.

[@davidbulchak9415]

There is so much meat and potatoes, huge core points here!! I needed to hear this. It's like reading the smart kids notes in class, LOL! Thanks Thais!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're so welcome David :)

[@kathykovacic9416]

Thais, can you do a video for DAs explaining how their behavior affects their partners? Also is there a way to help them realize their thoughts/ behaviors are related to their attachment style. I really love my ex and have shared your videos with him. He admits to being a DA but does not feel he is emotionally unavailable. I had to break things off recently and become just friends bc despite reviewing the videos in PDS subscription and some counseling, he does not realize his subconscious behavior. I do want a future with him and think we could be really happy if we work past attachment style issues. Any insights or recommendations? Thanks for the work you do. I wouldn't have understood DAs or made it this far without you. You're great!

[@hellswindstaff91]

Great video. DA i was dating pushed me away at the 2 month mark then cut me off completely another 2 months. I wasnt overbearing i only reached out to her once a week to see if she was alright or to schedule a date which was flaked on or ignored. Now i do nothing.. give up cant speak to her or spend any time with her

[@TremendousTessa]

Thank you for this perspective on the DA. I thought of the FA as on and off, not so much the DA. What you say makes so much sense to me. I can see how my DA does the come close, pull back. I like how you included that the partner needs to see this, look at their own needs, speak up for their needs and set a deadline, not surrender to the on off cycle, be conscious of their own standards.

[@rebeccalevy5493]

An important aspect that is not addressed in attachment theory, is that attachments change between different people- ie. The same person can be DA in one relationship (especially with an AA) but securely attached in another (usually with another SA person). Attachment pattern isn't fixed, and it's not helpful to blame one partner (not that i think Thais is doing this) for the "dysfunction".

[@hspinnovators5516]

A DA will also sabotage with a SA, causing the previously SA to be AA. It truely is tragic

[@chloelysiak9760]

My dismissive avoidant partner has left me at both of the mile stones you suggested during a conflict. Both times, I sort of 'talked him down' and basically said, we can work through this and he stayed with me. However, he is still ghosting me as though we are broken up and I can tell he is very distant. Most videos only explain what to do if you are actually broken up, not working on things. I have given him space, and have remained very calm, but I dont think 6 months of no contact is appropriate if we are actually trying to work through things. Would love some content about this.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@mummifiedninja]

Great video. I’ve recently discovered that I am DA and did so through stumbling across your content a few months ago. Thank you

[@woodenmeow]

Mine Ghosts for Months 3, 6 and 9 Months. That seems like a really long time. We have done this for 10 years.

[@reck0n3r]

Sounds like Nikola Tesla's spirit speaking to you in coded behavior. 😂 "If you only knew the magnificence of the 3, 6 and 9, then you would have the key to the universe.

[@NormanInAustralia]

Thais, I only discovered your channel recently and I've learnt so much from you. I believe that I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. I believe everything that you've said but there are a couple more factors that I've experienced that damage my relationships. I've recently learned that I am a people pleaser. I fall into relationships with people who want a relationship with me, not pulling away when I probably should because I don't want to cause conflict and disappointment. The new partner will think I'm amazing because I meet all their needs initially but then, as I start to feel trapped and pull away, I provoke a lot of anxiety and pain. Because I hate to see someone I care about suffering, I then make a big effort to restore their happiness. I thus, inadvertently, generate this push-pull cycle. Also, my parents are still alive and I always struggle with the reality that the women I date are not women who my family will accept. At some point, girlfriends want to become part of their man's family; in my case, this will never work. I wonder if these are common issues for relationships with dismissive avoidants.

[@r_and_a]

sincerely curious why you feel you're a dismissive avoidant vs fearful avoidant? i'm a fearful avoidant in a long term but long distance relationship (planned on moving closer but the pandemic complicated things) with a d-a so been trying to better understand both our similarities & differences so i'm certainly no expert but what you wrote strikes me as far more f-a than d-a ffw whatever your attachment style, i'm sorry for your situation & glad you found pds as i bet i'm quite sure it'll help you find tools that will help empower you to be more intentional with your behavior & relationships so you can be happier 💚

[@honeybun0007]

Loving the acknowledgment and self awareness here

[@chrispearson1695]

This may be the best video and resource that I've seen! I have experienced this on and off cycle for over a year and should have left the relationship countless times. I have attempted to express my feelings and needs, but he only hears accusations and expresses defensiveness. I am AP in this relationship and he has deep wounds from a BP ex-wife and some narcissism. I'm considering asking him to watch this video followed by a discussion of where we go from there. A big part of me feels like this will be the end of the relationship, but at least it will provide closure. Another part of me feels like I should walk away without sharing the video.

[@chiobabe2180]

Just walk away, I tried this method & he didn’t hear anything, just blew it off

[@LittleBetterEachDay]

At this point, why not share it? Just ask yourself, what do you have to lose ? You don't want to one day wonder "what if I had only shared it?" You can rest easier knowing that you didn't give up without trying everything. I wish you the best!

[@keshavadasa]

I shared a video at the 6-month mark and was met with tremendous resistance, accusing me of being an armchair psychologist and having no business diagnosing him. We are now approaching two years have become estranged this last month. Something in me snapped. I just could not bear continuing to feel the ongoing, unending stress throughout my nervous system, like being perpetually frozen between fight and flight: is he with me? Is he not? Is he on or is he off? Is a hot or is he cold? Is he still interested in me or not? I test secure but I feel so insecure in the relationship. I finally just said I can't do this anymore, goodbye.

[@replaygeorge]

I doubt you can get closure with a DA, since they have so much trouble admitting to anything. It would mean recognizing a flaw, which is a big NO for them. Also, suggesting videos or therapy most likely would be met with resistance in forms of denial, like what do you mean, I am fine, or gaslighting, it's you, not me. The exception would be when a DA is willing to work on their issues.

[@iamtoribrown_]

Thank you so much for this breakdown, very informative ❤

[@teganhare2468]

super helpful and so timely, thank you so much Thais!!!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're so welcome!

[@MrTheomighty1]

I’m been so hurt in the past by partners but yet I am not a DA , I don’t take my feelings into my next relationship. So why should they or my SP so to speak of. We haven’t spoken for 3 days and yes I am watching this video just for input, I am not sitting dwelling I am living my life and she’s the 1 missing out on my love. I want someone to love me for me and who I am, 50/50 and to make magical memories to look back on. I’m not hard to be with.

[@0Demiyah0]

Are you sure that you don't take ANY subconscious beliefs with you in your baggage from childhood and past relationships? In the case of insecure attachment styles this is involuntary, and despite best intentions, the subconscious rules the conscious until we start to actively reprogram. It's probably not even the case that it's about you not being loveable as you are, avoidance is a form of latent self-loathing. In my deepest avoidant days, I struggled to accept myself to allow people I genuinely admire and love close, because I did not believe in myself.

[@maralinautube]

Just off the strength of you staring "magical moments" is a character trait of DAs... They want EVERYTHING to be & STAY Euphoric 1000% of the TIME!!! NO ARGUING EVER! NO DISAGREEMENTS EVER! They like to sweep major ISSUES under the rug to the point it gets Disturbing & Triggering for whomever is in a relationship with them!🤦🏾‍♀️😭😭

[@MrTheomighty1]

@@0Demiyah0 No I would say I do not take any of my baggage from my childhood or past relationships into my next relationship. My SP knows what I want as she brought up the conversation so we had a talk about this and it’s to one day be committed to her as in being married. When we are together it’s like we are meant to be and as soon as she leaves she changes. I think the last time I saw her was around 4 weeks ago and now I will get or should I say up until 4 days ago I had a text to say I love you and miss you but it was never at the same time through each day but if someone loves and misses you wouldn’t you make an effort to be with this person. This is what I mean they are words, I want her to show me how much she loves me and misses me. I’ve still asking her when are we meeting up and getting together because she never makes arrangements. I’ve booked a hotel in December for 2 nights and a night at the theatre now if she doesn’t show up I’ve spent a lot of money for nothing. When I mentioned this she has booked the time off from work and was really excited at the time but now I am in the dark about this. I have reached out to her and had nothing back so I won’t keep reaching out or I’ll be seen as needy and chasing. I’ll start as I mean to go on and just work on myself and stay in NC like I did the first time she didn’t want us all those years ago.

[@MrTheomighty1]

@@maralinautube should I have put memories ti look back on instead of magical moments ?. Someone’s words with no intentions can be seen as as you have suggested traits of DA’s. I am far from a dismissive avoidant, if I was nearly 4 years on I’d not still be showing her love and affection but now I can only do this from a far and I’ve said to her I don’t want a relationship with my phone and texting to share our feelings. I would like intimacy a bond to go out on date nights. To sit down and talk about how our day has gone, go take the dog for a walk etc etc.

[@maralinautube]

@@MrTheomighty1 Thanks for providing Context & Clarity... My apologies if my post came across as ACCUSATORY! I can definitely understand your plight. I told my several times that I am NOT his TEXTING BUDDY!!!😔😪

[@juliegaudet7816]

Excellent Content ❤❤❤

[@sheliasmith2884]

Thank you again I went no contact with him he has been reaching out so I needed this right now.

[@michellinesyjuco5234]

How long have u been in no contact?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@joannedomingo2398]

I’m broken hearted. I’m dealing with a guy like this for a year.

[@tumbleweedconnection7906]

Thais what you said about the 2 stages of the relationship really resonates with me bc my ex broke up with me around 8 months bc she thought we should be in love and didn't see us getting there then after 2.5 months apart we got back together and fell in love but again around 19 month mark she ended it again for reasons that didn't make sense not long after she started to think whether or not we could be it for each other. Fear of closeness bc she told me once that she can't be vulnerable with people.

[@hugotremblay6652]

I have been in this kind of relation on/off for 13 years. After 4 years marriages and a divorce, I finally understood the dynamic. When you start to know about attachment theories, you realize what you were fighting to. It’s look like you were going agains the best defensive missile system. It is crazy when you start to undertand the pattern. To feel to be the back up plan for so long, the phantom ex…it is not easy to accept.

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@yvonnemagliocco8507]

You hit the nail on the head. For me the first pull back was at 7 mo. It lasted 3 mo. I had a breast reduction and he snapped. Then we got back and it happened around the 2 1/2 yr mark when my daughter got engaged. He panicked bc it represented commitment. Finally he broke it off after 6 yrs in June. Took me on vacation, picked a fight with me, and told me to go home. I had a gut feeling someone else was in the picture. I was correct. But why would he leave me, after telling me that if he could pick the perfect gf for him, it would be me??? I’m 💔😢

[@toyintokoya5956]

They're evil!

[@wendydaniel1110]

Dissmissive Avoidants lives are like, "needing air , but also holding their breath at the same time." Pure misery.for them and others..

[@pallabisaha4525]

Omg it feels so personal. Dealt with a DA for more than 2 years! Now seeing this i can completely understand his actions! I cannot believe i did not came across this term earlier! Being with a DA is so tough! They cannot think about anything but their independence! Omg so toxic! Thank god it ended a month ago! Thank you god for saving me. Not manifesting him back! Whatever happens only happens for good. Still i want all the best things for him. But never getting back that is for sure. This No Contact will last till my last breath!

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Thank you thank you thank you

[@lilove6560]

AA leaning SA (or I thought I was). I think I’m experiencing this now with my DA and it’s so painful and sad. A lot of emotions to work through. 😢💔

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best moving forward ❤

[@gilliamm.5732]

Thanks

[@IAmHappy73]

Why does this sound like the narcissistic discard?

[@amytiffanyhemingway]

well it's essentially the same thing and similar cause. but narcs never really care about you. whereas with a DA you know instinctively that they do.

[@Ironmindbutburned]

It does! They have common traits which overlap. Love bombing, idealization then devaluation and then discard. I've seen it, lived it and got the T shirt.

[@omshantiiify]

Thank you for this! This is great help. Question: How many needs can I communicate at one time ? Should it be one at a time like in the dating stage, or since it’s a year after we were actually dating last (we’ve been friendly, in casual contact) is it safe to communicate my needs and standards all at once?

[@waterlilynymph]

How do DAs ever settle down and get married? Can they have a happy monogamous relationship for life? I am trying to make my decision about a DA who keeps coming in and out of my life.

[@queenie547]

Hi, can you reccommend an online test where I can take and know my atatchment style?? Thank you,

[@jaehlee4982]

My ex, who I love, I realized is a DA by listening to this. She thinks she is a secure attachment style. I was always afraid I would get brunt of her past experience.

[@DobermanDanK9]

How could we describe short and long term relationships for DAs? Could long term mean that they're comfortable and that partner hasn't triggered their emotional wounds just yet? Where as someone short term could have a deep emotional connection causing the DA or avoidant to deactivate quicker? (This would be for an avoidant who isn't self-aware, because a self-aware avoidant may be communicating their struggles as the relationship deepens)

[@raeganrascoe1103]

As a DA I rarely am onto & off with any ex - the only time seems like when I've been with another DA now that I think about it.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Youre an amazing teacher of attachment styles but i feel like there is no solution really. It seems like this should be classified as a coping mechanism versus a solution in dealing with avoidants but to actually “fix” a relationship with them seems unheard of . I feel like its more common than not to find or be in relationships with avoidants who never see anything wrong with their behavior for the nost part, than find that small percentage who want to do the work and improve on themselves. If one never sees they have anything to change to begin with , then no growth, self realization, awareness or forward momentum is achieve. Theres a saying that you cant fix what you dont acknowledge. So changijg something one doesnt even recognize needs changing seems useless. Even to insist change on someone who isnt resdy for change is useless. Its like telling someone hooked on drugs for 30 years to change on the 31st year. They wont unless they want to.

[@kaylavanzant]

was in a relationship with a DA who asked for space, gave him space for a few days then when we met to talk, he broke up abruptly. Then returned a few days later saying they messed up and wanted to work it out…he showed up consistently for a week then ended it again yesterday. I’m heartbroken and confused.

[@876tisha]

DA are amazing people. It’s just rough when paired with AP. They can do well with secured attachment. They are big on consistency, respect and boundaries. From the beginning you have be clear about what you desire and stand on it. Have a full life outside of them. They will come around when they feel safe.

[@maralinautube]

they should work on becoming Secure like we are working on!

[@katieandnick4113]

@@maralinautubenobody can become secure on their own, in my opinion. We are very interdependent as humans.

[@amytiffanyhemingway]

ironically he's made me more secure. I learnt after years that none of my anxious childish ways worked. I just had to grow up and be self sufficient and if I can be that person and not expect anything from anyone, things are fine between us.

[@LadyR5394]

But why would you even want him in your life if you can't expect anything good from him? You deserve to have your care reciprocated

[@robertdeskoski9783]

@@LadyR5394: Yeah, this is far from secure. It's basically saying "do what you want, I'm still on my own".

[@jenniferparisi424]

Omg I'm at a year and a half and this is accurate

[@sreach93]

Is there any link between a dismissive avoidant, traits of NPD and childhood trauma ?

[@hugotremblay6652]

I know ex wife for 12 years. It has been on/off in the 30’years old. It was great. No engagement. Just travel and meet each other in different countries/cities. After been marry for almost 4 years in my country and put all energy to make our relation safe and get all immigration papers…she start to detach and plan to move back in other country where her family is. She got cold and have all good answer to explain this sudden change. She moved out and she ask divorce (it was not our plan). After looking at my self, and get professional help, I understood that she was dismissive avoidant. We never had big problems. She just disappear without any empathy after she wrote me a letter that it was not about me. After 12 years on/off I finally understoof the patter and the attachment style. She is running from a country to another one everytime she activate her uncomfortable feeling and emotion. We have been marry for 4 years….

[@georgee.9631]

I am a FA male and it seems that every girl i fond attractive ends up a DA. Last.4 yrs i had given up and didn't have anyone. After my divorce of 20yrs with a DA was beautiful until it blew up... i dont want to say why. Anyways, i met a girl and she is also a DA. I can make her feel comfortable with me, but i was thinking why do i always seem to end up with a DA.

[@user-ys9cg7wl4t]

This describes my bf exactly he sabatoged around 2.5 yrs when we were going to get married he was perfect up until that point then he picked a fight and refused to talk to me and has happened a couple times since

[@blueaqua2122]

I might see a DA once a month. I might as well skip setting the deadline...

[@stormyskyz7881]

So they let the other person do all the hard work. Great

[@user-wz7is4os9c]

Well, he is very unpredictable as to answering text messages. We are in a situationship.

[@terrancerockwell332]

DA=cater to my emotions. Reals over feels. Stay strong and walk away flic there’s no reciprocity.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

For further, if I ever were to end up in a situation, I feel like your statement might be right. Even if someone really likes someone, if there's no reciprocity, mutuality,what's the point in staying,so I like your stay strong comment.

[@keshavadasa]

My DA would call me two and three times a week and want to talk for an hour to an hour and a half each time. I was deeply touched by the sense of connection, by the feeling that he really wanted to spend time with me. But eventually I began to realize that it was all about him, he never asked me about my day, and he would talk over me. All about him, all about him, all about him. But then when I would call him, maybe he would pick up, maybe he wouldn't. For weeks and at one time even for 4 months he would become distant, like just check out. We might talk and text, but he was energetically distant and always had a reason why we couldn't see each other. And most recently, I realized exactly what you said at the top: DA = cater to my emotions. He latched on to me for his emotional support but was only performatively there for me. I feel like I've been sucked dry. I finally said goodbye about 3 weeks ago, and I meant it. I love him with all my heart. But I have to love myself and prioritize myself and protect myself. I realized that.

[@Spoodlie]

A friend who is a DA is without doubt trying to work through some tough patterns but still finds it difficult to initiate contact after some months. She always responds to contact though. Is it best to show consistency with a triggered DA and keep dropping a line to let them know you are there and its safe?

[@jackbuchanan5081]

I'm curious about this too 😂

[@equalitarianbiologist2327]

depends on their authentic types of dislike, how much they regulate authentic attraction / or attraction linked to some fancy agenda / dream. How 'real' minded and tolerant they are. dealing with one dubious DA recently, and not all DAs are shady and secrecy-protecting / crappy !

[@user-oz7mx3tw9t]

This is how I handle my DA. I’m a secure attachment though so factor that in. I remain constant and non reactive to what is going on with him. I allow him whatever space he wants but always let him know I’m still there, either with an inane text, photo but nothing deep. The less I react, the quicker he comes around. When he puts out feelers, I generally become slightly more welcoming and make it clear that time is up and it’s ok to warm back up a little. I self care on an everyday basis, regardless of what my DA is doing and so it is business as usual for me. Once things settle, I make a point of using language that shows love, without being too over the top ie, “thank you for letting me love you” says that I love you and I know you love me. I also express that I missed him, just a little bit, and that I know he missed me. Basically if he can’t say the words, I calmly repeat back to him what I am “hearing” from his actions. I know he likes this because I’ve heard him including this in banter with a couple of his friends, “…says I’m easy to love.” I found Thais a few months ago and realised that I’d just fluked and got it right with this guy, so I just keep following my instincts and reading positive stuff. He’s definitely improving. He’s gone from “I’ve set everything up so I can do it on my own” to “im sick of doing everything myself” to “ can you imagine how hard it was when I had to do all this myself?” I could write a book of the good things about this guy, im not going to dwell on this one thing. I just accept and look at the progress.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

I completely get where ypure coming from, i initiated contact after 4 yrs. And he responded very warmly. Is this good for your self esteem though? Always feeling like you are chasiing some elusive, mystical figure that needs to be chased. For me its no way to live. I cant and wont.

[@maralinautube]

How did you get to this point? My DA has DONE A LOT OF HURTFUL THINGS! I NEED REASSURANCE from him! Who wants to keep pouring out & NOT BEING POURED INTO... So CURRENTLY I'M FOING NO CONTACT!!! It's been 2 yrs, August 6, 2021 since knowing my DA. I'm DIZZU, SICK, FAINT, & LIGHTHEADED from keep getting on these ROLLERCOASTER rides with my DA. It's #TeamWayTooMuch I can't do ANY OF HIS SHENANIGANS EVER AGAIN!!!😢

[@margot6041]

Seems like there needs to be so called DAs to do their own work. Good relationships are when both persons are able to give and accept love.

[@trevorcorner6979]

I’m with a DA. I’m certain of that. I’m not sure she knows that though. How do I talk to her about this without sounding like I’ve been trying to be dissecting her, or trying to be manipulative? We are going through constant ups and downs, no arguments but I’m on the end of a DA and i feel I want to talk to her about this

[@mirellajazic8104]

Hi ! When i discovered my DA attachment style i just told my partner "hey i discovered the attachment style theory and i think that i am a DA and you might have an anxious attachment style" and sent him/showed him ressources i found about this subject. This opened a discussion without creating an argument because i didnt told him "you do this/that and its bad".

[@trevorcorner6979]

@@sunbeam9222 I took the quiz and I am ‘securely attached’. I can only assume my gf is a DA as everything I have watched points in that direction. I just don’t want to come across like I have done something wrong by talking to her about these styles as, like the videos say, it can be taken in a bad way / offended

[@trevorcorner6979]

@@mirellajazic8104 that’s interesting. I feel like I want to say to my gf I’ve been doing some work on myself to try and understand me and how I go about things in a relationship and came across this style that may be hers. It’s the fear of making her feel offended and losing her though

[@trevorcorner6979]

@@sunbeam9222 yeah that’s good advice. My friend told me about these videos and I’ve watched so many. In a way, it makes me feel more at ease as sometimes your mind can really wonder. I was going to go down the route if I was looking at videos to learn more about me and work on myself and came across this. I just don’t want to offend her or make her feel crappy about it. I love this woman and I see huge things for us.

[@trevorcorner6979]

@@sunbeam9222 nice idea. Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I certainly don’t walk on egg shells around her but sometimes it feels difficult to do certain things. It is a case of finding the right moment I think

[@maralinautube]

Thanks Thais! Your videos EXPLAINED SO MUCH of what I have gone through with my DA. It's literally been 2 yrs since we've 1st spoke to each other (August 6, 2021) & the ONLY THING that I can do with him RIGHT NOW is FULL NO CONTACT UNTIL he gets serious about Jeaus. Goes to therapy. Stay in therapy. Get Delivered. Get Healed. Get a Life Coach in that order! If ONLY I HAD OF KNOW that I would experience this 2 years ago, I would have ❤to watch your videos then! I tell my students, "In school you learn the lesson & then the test, but in life you take the test first & then learn the lesson." I'm TIRED of the SONG & DANCE! I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I was at the curcus, on a merry-go-round at a carnival, & on a rollercoaster at an amusement park! He would ALWAYS say, "I'm TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME WHAT I'M ALWAYS DOING WRONG!" I said, "That's how you take it. I just wanna fix what's wrong in our relationship. I broke up with him November 2021 & April 2022. I have communicated my NEEDS TIL I CAN'T ANYMORE! I'm all tapped out! He would ALWAYS CIRCLE BACK & SAY HE WANTS us to start over again as friends & that would go left! There's so much that I've dealt with when it comes to him! I'm at my WITTS END! The ONLY THING I CAN DO IS FULK NO CONTACT to protect my peace! I used to be quick to wanna RECONCILE after he would go days without speaking to me CLAIMING HE'S MY FRIEND & ❤ me! All Summer of 2023, whenever I would do Full NO CONTACT, he would do weird goofy stuff like DM on Facebook & Instagram. He would DM things to do & restaurants to go to in Chicago to the point that I had to tell him that if we're not friends on social media, quit sending me stuff! Things have even transpired this week that I don't know if can be reconciled. Even if he was ready to reconcile right now! I don't wanna reconcile & deal with him period! WAY TOO MUCH DAMAGE DONE! He is Disrespectful, Wreckless with his mouth, CONDESCENDING, & INCONSISTENT! He says that he says hurtful things when he's mad!He doesn't understand that "there is life & death in the power of the tongue" & that "Words Create Worlds!" I NEED TO PROTECT MY PEACE!!!!... SO FULL NO CONTACT IT IS!!!!😢😭

[@izzyunicorn9813]

The pattern was 6 mo and 3 yrs and then been on off since

[@heidiw3615]

Legit got blindsides by him at almost six months in… don’t know if he’s a DA but a lot of what you say about DA fit him

[@0Demiyah0]

Sometimes I would like to share some information with close ones to me who are emerging to become conscious of their internal programming, but I wouldn't link them to PDS because of the comment section. If you are new to AT and quite sensitive about the discovery of your programming, the DA comment section is like walking into a minefield. If I was new to AT, and learning about myself, I would expect to find comments that are sharing their growth, experience and successes, so that I can normalize my own experience and feel motivated that I can make change too. Currently DA spaces are too toxic to gain that kind of motivation from it. Compare it to this; if you were in a C-PTSD sub/channel and 90% of the interactions were overtaken by people devaluing and ridiculing C-PTSD, saying you are a lost cause and don't bother with people with C-PTSD, would you really put the burden of navigating those loud angry voices on all the people who have C-PTSD, or would you expect heavy moderation and a modicum of etiquette from people partaking in that space?

[@aleksandrakrawczyk6259]

As a DA trying to change something in my life, I often lose hope after reading the comment section under PDS videos. So thank you for... I don't know. Thanks to your comment, I feel understood and less lonely. Thanks

[@0Demiyah0]

@@aleksandrakrawczyk6259 I hoped exactly to make that kind of difference for someone, thank you for sharing ❤. I empathize that the early days of trying to make shifts in our patterns and confronting deepseated emotion, we need patience, encouragement, kindness! Keep chipping away, one step a day can cross a mountain in a year! It took me a lot of work to 'earn secure', but it was worth the investment. ☺

[@replaygeorge]

For me this comment section is super helpful, because I discover that many people have similar issues with DA's, and I am not alone. The pain and the anxiety they cause is real, and talking about it helps (for non avoidant people).

[@0Demiyah0]

@@replaygeorge I understand that this helps you, but it is not an equal safe space for everyone. Clearly the perspectives on the otherside are stifled and silenced. I'm pretty sure if I would discuss the pain of being manipulated, gaslighted, criticized, aggressively abused and humiliated by some of my past anxious partners, I would get further ridiculed and attacked by some anxious people in the comment section. I find it really telling that avoidants bite their tongue on generalizing their experiences with their (ex)partners. While the people who claim to be the most loving, understanding and giving are also the most generalizing and hostile in these comment sections (which is really the opposite of the high-ground they claim).

[@lauraoliver525]

Isn't dismissive avoidance basically the same as narcissistic personality disorder?

[@loriglennon6653]

No, They are not the same. A dismissive avoidant cares about you, but is scared to the core of being too vulnerable . A narcissist does Not care about you, they only care about themselves.. Big difference. Hope that helps.

[@maryhartley512]

What if you couldn't find flaws, he actually said he can't find any faults and that he would probably regret his decision

[@adrianstjohn4820]

Girlfriend seems DA and we have great times, she is loving then suddenly she gets bit nasty and start arguments and tells me we not good together then same day or next she is back to normal and loving. Is this normal behavior for an avoidant?

[@soniathompson4754]

She sounds possibly FA

[@komatsu8169]

Borderline

[@replaygeorge]

It is... yesterday evening: (end of the world tone), texting: we need to stop talking so often, you are to needy, I just need time for myself. next morning: photo and hey, good morning, how are you? Like nothing happened.

[@adrianstjohn4820]

​@replaygeorge oh dear. Mine say don't want relationship then calls me boyfriend to another person, but I do know she has very bad trust and commitment issues. Not sure how you handle it George

[@replaygeorge]

@@adrianstjohn4820 I am going through similar patterns myself. I care deeply about this person with DA patterns, so after learning many things on this channel, I figured out that I have to take care of my needs outside of this relationship more, but on the other hand, instead of giving criticism towards the DA, will try to offer reassurance, support and friendship. But all this because this person is not really toxic, just has issues. I would leave the toxic people. However, support or help should be offered, but not in the way hey let me fix you, because they would back off, also not implying they need help, because they will get triggered. Just hey, I am here if you need me. Probably they won't, but you can't force it. I hate these patterns, I am FA myself, sometimes I push people away too, and don't like it, but don't have issues like the DA to talk about my feelings or issues.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

❤

[@beckichaplin1974]

Thais: have you worked with a DA that didn't experience the childhood trauma you mention that is typical for most DAs?

[@melvaughn29]

Or who cares why they do this. Drop these losers and find an emotionally mature person. People don't change.

[@sifublack192]

This is interesting because I've never had this pattern as a DA.

[@bonton9441]

My soon to be ex wife is a hard core DA I went through hell with her but now that I no longer have feelings for her she came back around, yes she is in my house as I type. Guys key is to leave them be and be mysterious. My wife told me many times to move on when we were separated and that day came I met someone and moved on and BOOM she started calling and whatnot it's like they can sense it.

[@MadeUpStuff925]

Good for you man. This is exactly what I'm doing.

[@CorvidLove]

Should I tell a DA that I think she is a DA? Won't she get insulted?

[@sixfeetunder0105]

They are selfish narcissist who suck the soul out of you, no excuse

[@rosiechic5590]

I think it's just another game Men play in relationships ...

[@nicolabrittain3101]

the flaw finding is horrible

[@mmholling87]

Are there any guys on here with female DA? Seems like they're mostly men.

[@letsgooooooo111]

I'm a woman who dates women. My ex is DA. I thought she was the love of my life but we are completely NO CONTACT now. I can't deal with her, the dismissiveness, unkindness and inconsistency was driving me nuts

[@mmholling87]

@letsgooooooo111 I'm sorry to hear this, and I hope you're doing ok. I, too, fell for DA, and she was extremely charming, sweet, and loving until she wasn't. Push & pull and hot and cold are her go-to strategies. She found someone else almost immediately. One minute, she liked me the next she hated me. We are better off without them.

[@reeyongutube]

Thanks

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤❤❤