STOP Being Too Accommodating in Love | Anxious Attachment Healing

[@rcarter1able]

I had no idea being accommodating and not having boundaries isn’t good. It blows my mind. I was conditioned by an authoritarian parent to accommodate always and often punished setting my own boundaries. Having to learn where my boundaries are and articulate them is really going to help having a much better life. Thank you.

[@lauraoliver525]

Same here!

[@thehapagirl92]

It’s good to be accommodating, but not at your own expense. If you are going on a date tomorrow and someone asks if you can meet an hour earlier so they can miss evening traffic and you absolutely can meet an hour earlier then accommodate them and say yes. If you can’t meet early but are afraid of telling them you can’t and you end up changing your schedule so you can meet them early then you’re too overly accommodating.

[@dangfd551]

Lol the doormat/person clipart in thumbnail is perfect

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I will let our designer know you liked it ❤

[@rijd2304]

I liked her explanation of boundaries. It's important to not be too rigid but not porous either. It's a dance and we need to be patient with ourselves as we learn what our boundaries are. Whenever I get anxious I ask what boundary is being violated (many times I'm not honoring my own boundaries or need to establish a boundary where I didn't have one). I also use mindfulness exercises, I'm using a nice little book called "30 Day to Reduce Anxiety" by Harper Daniels. That's been helpful also.

[@drmelodypond]

I've been binge-watching a lot of your videos lately and I just wanted to thank you for "giving me the right vocabulary". Your videos are often helping me to grasp and name concepts/things that I kind of already "intuitively knew" and am trying to implement/use/unlearn/... Having a name for it makes it a lot easier to recognize/make connections and learn the logic of the different attachment styles. Also, I find it really helpful that you often give examples for otherwise abstract concepts like needs or boundaries. So thank you very much for your content! :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy to hear that Dr. Melody! Glad this is helping you and you're super welcome ❤❤

[@zandersorc]

Yes! All of this! Completely agree.

[@gregorystinette8271]

I'm glad this phase of my life is over ; I no longer desire constant human companionship & my dog really loves me. Woof ! It's so liberating. Shalom

[@jasmineflower9879]

Remind your self " I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS ! "

[@thehapagirl92]

Never be overly accommodating under any circumstances but always be accommodating. There is a difference.

[@TremendousTessa]

Thank you Thais for sharing your knowledge. I had no idea about vetting friendships and romantic relationships. I have been the chaser and I have ignored many red flags in relationships. Now I find myself surrounded by people who do not align with me. I'm aware of it and working on it and I acknowledge how much work it is going to take to redesign my life. It will be worth it!

[@TamagoEgg]

I used to be super accommodating that I accept people for who they are and just to make them happy for being who they are that I lack the boundary of saying "no" to behavior that I can not tolerate. It's only when I start to feel that I am being disrespected, I question myself "why" and why I hate this kind of feeling of being mistreated then I started to truly feel the "losing a big chunk of myself". I had enough of people pushing my buttons and I'm now starting to stand up for myself. I am now very good at saying "no" to things that I do not want and draw a line to behavior that I do not tolerate once it shows up in people that come into my life. I tell them I do not like it and I pull back if they don't stop their behavior, but also give in when I see them making the effort to make our connection work. I am feeling respected now. Their behavior may not be directed at me but unacceptable behavior they are showing towards others is a "no" too, because I have personally experienced such behavior showing up sooner or later between us. Stop it as soon as I see it and guide/support them through. It may not be as easy when I am the one in conflict with that person.

[@ninapitt9929]

Great job 🎉 good for you 👏

[@michelletopete4784]

You make everything so easy to understand, Thais. Thank you for making these offerings for those of us engaged in deep personal work and who value never ending growth. ❤

[@Danielle-t7t]

I used to be very anxious in relationships I needed somebody to love me so I love myself I chased after love Because I had a Abandonment wound Stemming from my childhood A lot of Limiting beliefs and I was very codependent now I understand Don't smother the campfire.You have to give it air to breathe and oxygen to grow Same thing applies in a relationship I fell in love with myself I got to know who I am What I want I understand my feelings are valid because i'm important I know my worth i understand we all have love inside of us so we don't need to chase it We attracted Love is beautiful Love is amazing love is magic Love is understanding Love is patient love is kind Love is respect By falling in love with ourselves we start healing learning and growing That's how we attract love ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Does this sound like you? Let us know in the comments ❤

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Makes total sence. I'm not sure what pattern I have but I hope if I am overly accommodating at my expense , that I can find that fine line someday I'm not sure if it's in my head or what but it feels like from a very short time so far of listening to you each morning, that I feel some sort of positive growth or changes happening. I keep telling myself I'm going to ease up thanking,but today I can't help it. Thank you incredibly much for your heart,& sharing of your remarkable positive wisdom Thais.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

you're very welcome!

[@roshalllambert]

I love the explanation of what healthy boundaries look like neither a lack of them nor very rigid!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@RaphaelAlejandro]

I think I’m a secure leaning anxious, and it took me awhile for me to accept I was AP. We can only accept it once our subconscious allows us to. Amazing video as always.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thanks for sharing Raphael! ❤

[@lilelly16]

I am very excited to take this course about mastering the dating stage of relationships!

[@HH-pj5bl]

Another great video as usual, def having our own back and own voice is a game changer, not specifically to get chased, but to feel secure and safe with self. Thank you Thais and love you ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@carolinemilster8563]

So I did this at the start and she seemed a great match. When I got into it and we moved in together, all the unhealthy parts came out. Example she's going through a very difficult moment in life and has depression. She became abusive, verbally and sometimes physically. I understood I didn't deserve to take it, at the same time because of the previous deep love that was built, everytime we fight, I return back. Sometimes what we get is a perfect mirror reflecting our wounds which enables us the awareness to heal and bring those wounds home to ourselves. For this reason I don't believe in the wrong person or the right person. There are lessons and choices. One day I hope to be in the place to make healthier choices, after saying no to some abusive patterns.

[@vitserena]

I’ll stop abandoning myself

[@Sarafara7]

My friend told me recently that I’m a really nice person when dating - I always give the other person the benefit of the doubt because I don’t want to wrong them (when they make a mistake, and only once). Turns out, I’m uneasy about something because it IS wrong and this “benefit of the doubt” thing shouldn’t just be handed out to everyone. This works really does teach you to be tougher. Being pure and loving doesn’t work.

[@markartist8646]

Thank you for this video. I appreciate your work and style, It sounds so easy and methodical. When the triggers start getting tripped, it gets really interesting.

[@Centauryproxima]

This was such an eye opener video, the mistakes I made with my ex who was fearful avoidant all summed in this. I would always succumb to her needs, puting her on pedastal. I finally broke up with her 2 weeks ago after I couldn't take it anymore. I need to look after my own well being as she never cared how much I dedicated myself towards pleasing her. Thank you Thais!!

[@clarisec1451]

Ty. I appreciate all you do. I am going to sit down now and think about what's important needs and boundaries for my relationships so that I'm not overly giving and neglecting myself when I am in a relationship

[@indyd9322]

I used to think that being very giving, patient and accomodating was a virtue to strive for, that it was being selfless and loving. But it just doesn't lead to good results in relationships, especially if the other person isn't acting the same way towards you. I hate to say this, but I learned the hard way that there's a power dynamic in romantic relationships. Even with good intentions, if you basically start acting like someone's always accomodating servant, they will start treating you and thinking of you like a servant. Then when you do eventually express your needs, they won't care.

[@steveblackmore8480]

When they stonewall you can’t get them to discuss anything about their previous declarations of commitment, nor can you vet people because three months in they flip from being perfectly normal and affectionate to wanting space and independence… 🤷‍♂️

[@javierabascur1318]

This was so good! I would love to see a video on other questions APs would ask on a date based on their common needs. I usually struggle with this one. Thanks Thais!

[@beamertoy]

Of all the attachment styles, I get this one 😒

[@martaradecka7176]

Thais, your videos come always in perfect time and are super helpful! ❤ thank you so much x

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Great to hear that Marta! Happy to deliver ❤

[@walkertranger5746]

True love is selfLESS. That doesn’t mean being a doormat . Setting boundaries is normal and not selfish. Treating others the way you want to be treated is needed from both partners in a relationship. Respect each others needs and boundaries. If you love me and know me, you should know my needs and boundaries.

[@abbywoolfson584]

This makes a lot of sense thank you

[@kristinadams9158]

Thank you!! So helpful

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome Kristina ❤

[@chuck3999]

Tell that to the adult, who was raised by a Narcissistic mother. Someone always trying to make things better at the cost of his pre-programed up bringing. He's just never measured up or wasn't good enough. Folks, no therapist will ever get it. People don't care. Just love yourself! Be kind to you. You don't need anyone to give you external validation. Give it to yourself my friend.

[@lauraschleifer4721]

I'm an FA who in many ways leans somewhat more DA, but when it comes to people pleasing I have huge issues in that area. I've always been curious what the difference is between anxious leaning people pleasing vs that of an enmeshed DA, and how an FA who leans more avoidant would be able to tell whether their people pleasing tendencies were stemming more from their anxious side or enmeshed DA side? Especially when it comes to people pleasing people who you don't even know that well or want to know, as you mentioned in this video, it seems like sometimes the motive for it isn't always necessarily seeking approval/love from others.

[@olive4naito]

I can think of one DA who people pleases based on power dynamics. The greater their perceived power, the greater the DA people pleases them. The lower you appear to be on the food chain, the less interested they are in pleasing you. It's not purely power dynamics though. It's just that they spend so much energy people pleasing that they don't have any energy left for self reflecting and connecting to their emotions. They'll basically binge on Netflix if they don't think you rank high enough. But that's just one DA. It's no reflection on others.

[@lauraschleifer4721]

@@olive4naito funny, cos I am the COMPLETE opposite. The less power someone has, the more I tend to people-please them. (I guess this is a big difference between FAs and DAs-- unlike DAs, FAs run on guilt.) The more power someone has, the less I people please them, because a) I don't have to fear inadvertently hurting them so much, and b) I want to make sure they know they won't be having any power over me.

[@wsidegurl6631]

Facts

[@ΓιώργοςΚ-μ7ω]

All that precious knowledge go with the wind,if the other part is a dismissive avoidant....you put the questions and you get no answers about the standards,but only avoidance.....

[@sasb3675]

Can you undo this when it has led to complacency and a situaitonship?

[@MikeFontaine-t8u]

This is me

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@Suerte619]

I desperately needed this 🤧

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@ryattackn22]

Thais thank you! Great vid. Can u help me w something? I am hanging a lot w this girl i like and she knows that. She refuses to admit that she flirts w me / shows signs that she likes me when she does. Shes a DA. She hates being emotionally vulnerable and so I cant ask her why she seems to deny what is obvious bc she doesnt like discussing anything that involve emotions. What do I do?

[@mesCheerios]

If you have communicated clearly and she has rejected you then that should help bring closure. Even if she is flirting it doesn't mean she wants to do anything more than that I'm sorry to say because that hurts to face. Otherwise you might want to try communicating more clearly and asking her what she really feels. I know it really puts you on the line but try not to leave ANy room for doubt later. I did that thinking I will move on if the other person doesn't care enough to meet me halfway. Instead I am left constantly confused and increasingly limerent.

[@TonyN923]

If she's a DA and is already doing this, this is your big red flag. Run... she will break you if you get into a relationship with her.

[@majorbloodnok6659]

Thank you, that was very useful.