Disorganized Attachment - A MAN'S GUIDE

[@laurynasbudinas4585]

Here before all the "just leave them, it's not worth it" comments...

[@moondmonvisual]

The people who need the most love are treated with the most neglect sometimes. And those who were already loved and in stable lives can invite more of it, usually.

[@Zeevyboy]

@@moondmonvisualwe all need compassion and, like you said, the hurt need it the most. Thank you for the reminder to be kind!

[@harry-james-books]

And you have a better idea?

[@bottomtiercollector]

This resonates with me so much. My parents were so inconsistent with me, I experience mood swings daily between highs and lows. I will irrationally get onto my kids and then immediately feel terrible and try to remedy my actions. I feel unsure about what I want in my marriage now that our relationship is on the rocks. I'm uncertain about why my wife ever chose me. One moment I might feel like I deserve better and want a woman that treats me how I want to be treated and the next moment I might feel like being a monk and rejecting women all together.

[@KHGuitars]

@@bottomtiercollector same here man

[@100theDork]

27:10 this!!! If you take nothing else away from this video…take this. Promise…consistency is so important and really helps to keep the doubts in check for me especially when things are going too good or too bad.

[@rubenmoreno5166]

@@100theDork what do you mean consistency? In what aspect? One of the things that my ex would go off was that. She would say I was inconsistent about saying I was going to change the window on Sunday and if I went into work she would flip on Monday or if I was said I was grilling and instead I cooked the food in the oven that would set her off and she would become extremely abusive and blame me. Is this what you are talking about? And don’t think she knew she was DA all along and she never told me? I feel like we could have been able to work on things better if I knew it.

[@100theDork]

@ in the aspect that DA causes some doubts/fears to arise in the feelings that are expressed during relationships and can cause that person to doubt themselves and what they feel and their partners feelings towards them and if both sides understand this they should allow the feeling to be felt but also not let it change how they react to each other…emotionally consistent and being truthful will help you and her to trust your feelings even when there is doubt because that doubt isn’t ‘real’ mostly it’s just fear of the unknown and if you don’t keep your word you can cause that doubt to be felt much stronger and even validate it and that could be why you would trigger her by saying you’d do something and then not do it then she’s just applies that to the relationship and thinks you can’t be trusted full stop. Your actions show them your feelings and even if they doubt you they can’t deny themselves that you do what you say and that’s consistent and can be trusted even in the face of them not sure they can trust…sorry I know lol it’s not so simple but if you’re a simple and self assured person then it’s almost second nature to be this way and a DA will connect with this type of person…don’t play games, keep your word and express your thoughts even if you don’t want to and she prolly won’t even say it but she finds comfort in that because she can trust it and that isn’t about you but you are able to portray it so in turn trusts you…simple :)

[@100theDork]

@@rubenmoreno5166in this aspect being consistent is the best thing because the doubts will come out no matter what you or her say about what you feel because feelings can’t be trusted in DA so staying consistent with your words and actions shows her what you “really” feel cuz you said it AND you did it and that can be trusted over the doubt that creeps in cuz trust is so important to DA that you can’t say you’ll do something and not do it cuz then the entire relationship is a fraud and you don’t really mean the things you say “you can’t even fix the window on Sunday!” Being a simple person whose words match their actions lets a DA see who you are rather then you saying it…if that makes sense. Trust what you feel, trust she feels it and trust that she doesn’t trust it and then ignore that she doesn’t trust it and show her a reason not to exercise that thought process by staying consistent in these areas :)

[@100theDork]

@@rubenmoreno5166he said it best: be safe, be boring and be vanilla and that can be trusted because it is consistent and when things get tough they can remember your consistent and honest and that will give them security over time especially when they can’t trust what you say because you said something and didn’t do it and it can be small to you but NOT to them cuz they are looking for your lies they know they are there even if they aren’t there so stay consistent and stay simple and they will remember you when the “avoidant” comes out because it is a thought cycle that comes and goes

[@reneegraber]

This is probably the best video I have seen on disorganized attachment. Thank you, Connor. It explains the root cause and internal experience very thoroughly. It is a deeply painful attachment pattern to embody, as all humans are made for connection and love. I have recognized this pattern within myself and am actively working to heal, not only for myself but for my future partner and hopefully children. Something that was touched on but I know isn’t the focus of this video: we have relationships with everything in life, not just people, therefore this attachment style will show up in your relationship to health, money, career, etc. That has been a painful pattern for me as well. Not only does chaos feel familiar in relationships, but also in all of these other domains. It has wreaked havoc on stability, or lack thereof, in all areas of life. That’s why addressing the trauma from a somatic level and creating trust with oneself is the most important piece. Without that, it is hard to bring healing to any area.

[@michalpoz]

Thank you! This is, without a doubt, the best talk on attachment I have ever listened to and I have been working in the field of psychodynamic therapy for over 18 years. Keep up the good work!

[@Spencer_R1]

Guided meditations and listening to different frequencies has been helping a lot. You can become a chronic people please as a disorganized attachment like I did and not realize it.

[@ZAC90715]

That is what I am currently working on now is my people pleasing and lack of assertiveness. It's uncomfortable as hell to rewire my brain to stand up for myself and not be scared of people's possible reactions. Especially after being yelled at by my ex for not making a decision the way she wanted it made

[@nancy1431]

This perfectly explains what goes on in my head and in my body as a female with this attachment style. You explain everything so much more clearly than anything I have seen so far. Thank you for this video, and thanks for the shout out to psychedelics, which has been helping me process my BS.

[@Zeevyboy]

I’ve shared this with multiple clients-love how clearly you explain disorganized attachment (mastery!). During a meeting today, several co-workers started subscribing to you after listening-such a testament to the impact of your work! On another note, three male therapists and I were discussing our fathers’ group and the challenges divorced dads face. We’ve all been following Ginger Gentile and have mixed feelings about her work, but we unanimously agreed that a podcast featuring a conversation between you two would be incredible. Topics like marriage, dating, and masculinity could make for a fascinating discussion. Have you ever connected with her before? Anyway, fantastic work as always-I’ve been loving your podcast for years!

[@Enrithesetter]

So much value in your videos. Thanks you.

[@peterfromcanada]

Wow. That was amazing. Thank you ❤ made me cry in empathy thinking about my current relationship and partner, and possibly myself too. Life saver.

[@lorna197]

As someone afflicted with this attachment style I really appreciate this video!! The struggle is real. I’ve been on a healing journey since I was 25, I’m now 59 years young. Unraveling my “stuff” has been a journey for sure! Inner child work would be great!! Thank you Conor‼️‼️🙏😊

[@Saminalor]

Thanks man, very helpful video.

[@paulw7647]

The Body Keeps the Score is a foundational book for some of the advice offered here.

[@billydeanmonroe8520]

Connor- For me, I get that. Simply because of the lack of understanding, learning and experience in past history. So if you really have no clue about any of it, I freak out if I have no clue that I’m doing something. I end up behind the veil of consciousness. Scares the hell out of me. Yes, I’m totally sold out to using it as a learning experience to learn what ever I’m supposed to learn from it. It’s the next step. Thanks for your help. 😊

[@ericanderson3879]

another brilliant job, Conner, explaining the condition and the solutions tor healing!

[@VortokMercadia]

Something that popped up for me, around the attachment style topic, was related to growing up very involved in a church. When you're ~5 and repeatedly pray for the girl you like to not need her tonsils removed, but it happens anyway... that paints a particular "parental" picture for a young mind. Prayer (aka, requests to the heavenly parent) basically got equated to a lottery - an unreliable outcome. Dunno how much experiences of that nature can play a role in this stuff but it probably didn't do me any favors. My actual parents, at worst, weren't equipped to guide me through processing my emotions (a few holes in the wall during bursts of intense emotion here and there), but there was never any shame directed at me about it, either. 3/4 of my grandparents served in WW2 and at least one of them did not get away mentally unscathed. So pretty understandable for the time and conditions of my parents' upbringing to not be the most emotionally fluent - grandparents didn't exactly have the luxury to develop the skillset, themselves. Otherwise, stability was there from my parents. They did a lot of the other stuff right, as near as I can tell.

[@emilyh7951]

Thanks for mentioning this and the prayer part and war part. Really appreciate it!

[@AngelicaNightingale]

Wow, Connor, THANK YOU! I'm a recovering dismissive who turned secure - and I'm now dealing with issues that are scratching some old wounds and bringing my old self to the surface. I'm glad to have found your channel (through Adam Lane Smith) - can hardly wait to watch more of your content!

[@tcggggg]

What was the most impactful thing you did for it

[@AngelicaNightingale]

I let go, ​@tcggggg ... I let go of the fears, the insecurities, the second guessing, the guilt @50:00 I guess Bruce Lee's sayin' "be like water, my friend, be like water" started clicking in - I'm still learning, though, 'cos my current life circumstances have brought me back into it a bit ... and I don't like it. I just took a free online "attachment style" assessment by Thais Gibson and I still come out as "secure" but I surely feel the avoidant popping up and causing chaos, so Connor's video here was very helpful to me 😊

[@johnfoster7661]

Please go further into inner child work!! I sincerely appreciate your very valuable content here.

[@Jacob011]

Great advice! I wish more men's groups took attachment seriously. Video on inner child work would be nice (did IFS before but found that you can't do it if you're dysregulated and shame-ridden). Also consider that many men aren't in a romantic relationship precisely because of their attachment style.

[@tyroneg4296]

The title alone lets me know I need to listen.

[@annamarsch6091]

spot on. thank you , this i very helpful , detailed. great for disorganised people and their partners.

[@inquisitivewanderer2536]

Excellent stuff. Going in my saved video collection!

[@LaurieHenry-r8t]

Another great video, I really appreciate how well you present the subject. I think you’re spot on with how it seems to get worse when you start to treat it. One of the hardest parts I find about being dysregulated is getting back to regulated in the moment it’s happening….it seems like a massive task when everything in your body is screaming gtfo. I have made some traction with somatic exercises, especially with breathing exercises. It seems like I have been breathing wrong my entire life. That being said, with all the experts here in KZbin having the “best way to breath” videos, there seems to be some confusion between them all, and some even contradict each other. Connor it would be great if you could do a video on breath work and what kind of routine could be beneficial a: on a daily basis and b: when dysregulation sets in, from a professional point of view and also your own practice.

[@TheKamnoko]

Great content Connor, it has been really helpful the past months. Please consider doing a video on inner child work as mentioned in the healing section!

[@GunjanChavan]

thank youu!! mad grateful for this

[@kennyb5537]

Thank you so much ... this is the help I needed!

[@vital.elements]

Yes, please, to inner child work 💯

[@jbdsvld8175]

A talk about reparenting would be cool

[@467sprite]

Growing up helping my dad out in drywall from a jit i now understand why his fuse was short ( finances ) he'd raise his voice when id mess up and i remember him talking to me roughly. From boss to dad at home there wasn't ever a switch. I think this is where me distancing myself from love started. It made me feel like a bastard.

[@HotRodHarley06]

How does this differ from fearful avoidant? I've never heard them be separated, rather disorganized attachment is a fearful avoidant.

[@brandonyee3451]

they’re the same thing

[@theelderskatesman4417]

Technically, disorganized attachment applies to children and fearful avoidant to adults. It is possible to exhibit disorganised attachment as a child, but not be fearful avoidant as an adult, but they are otherwise 'the same thing'.

[@julian34683]

@@brandonyee3451 I searched myself just to make sure. Curious what made the Conner choose this title as opposed to Fearful Avoidant attachment style? Porque no los dos?

[@blueowl9973]

At 1:41 he explains how disorganized attachment is different than other attachment styles including avoidant, anxious, and fearful avoidant. Like others I thought disorganized attachment is just another name for fearful avoidant. So I'm confused here .

[@AzticAztin]

It is another name for fearful avoidant, dude probably made a mistake.

[@roopekarioja9754]

Not quite sure if I have fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style. Both of them resonate with me a lot.

[@AzticAztin]

You have both ;) Cause they the same, dude's mixing things up... Its good for you to see if you have cPTSD or BPD, cause its usually comes along this attachment style, good luck.

[@paulfilip2405]

Great, great explanation!! Developing a strong relationship with Jesus Christ will definitely help. He is the most trustworthy person!! His sacrificial love and acceptance will regulate any emotion!

[@neonix01]

Hello. This is me. 100%. Been to therapy over many years, not a single person have said anything about this. I have even recommended my therapist EMDR myself, and that never happened. I've tried explaining this to my therapists many times (before watching this video and knowing what the disorder is called), and never gotten anywhere. Most of the therapists I've gone to I feel I have gotten very little help from, the treatment itself was just a cycle of talking about the same stuff over and over and over and over and never actually having a clear goal or getting anywhere... Where can I find these experts? :( They sure don't seem to exist where I live, or, they simply don't advertise themselves with these types of skillsets. I want to work through it cause it is hell on earth to live with, and it destroys everything good in my life at one point. Even the smallest changes feels like huge risks for my body. My head knows better, but it seems like my body doesn't.

[@Jacob011]

"therapist" is an hugely vague term. There are probably hundreds of modalities. When picking a therapist I always check what modality they're trained in, preferably in more than one. Any of AEDP, EMDR, IFS, EFT, DBR + anything somatic and attachment-based will do.

[@rubenmoreno5166]

My wife of 4 years, is DA but she didn’t want to do any of the work and she held me to a highest standard I needed to be able to take her abuse and just be the adult. After two years of no change or work done I starting fighting back. Then I started noticing that she had started to gaslight, manipulation and the lying was so much that I couldn’t take it. I would call her out on it.

[@rubenmoreno5166]

Needless to say this was over, but I wanted to work on it she just didn’t and instead told me she never loved me. But she goes back and forth.

[@rubenmoreno5166]

And when I tried to get close and try to speak with her she pulls away. It’s heartbreaking but I could take the abuse anymore and left.

[@kombinatsiya6000]

@@rubenmoreno5166 I think you made the right decision if she wasn't willing to change.

[@BirdieHaze2207]

So hard for someone who truly loves them. It really is so painful 💔i understand they can’t help it, and it’s all wounding. But it still hurts.

[@AzticAztin]

Lets hope you're a masochist.

[@GuyVinmara]

Contrarian view here. Predictability is not the answer. By nature, humans are not completely predictable day to day (that's a robot). The solution is for the avoidant to learn to relax amidst unpredictable days. Obviously, their partner can't be all over the place...BUT, the avoidant MUST learn to be okay with "grey area" signals andnot treat every tiny deviation as a catastrophe. Do NOT mold yourself into a rigid, predictable robot for them. You will just set up an unsustainable situation. What happens if one day you find out a friend died and you are distraught that day? What happened to your predictability? Your avoidant partner is going to treat YOU as the problem.

[@martine5716]

Well, you definitely nailed that one! Just for clarity, at the beginning you mentioned that disorganised is different from avoidant and fearful, did you mean to say anxious instead of fearful?

[@Docsharpie]

This was very helpful thank you. My fiance broke off our two year engagement (together three years) recently . After one failed marriage, one failed long term relationship, and now this, I'm finally understanding my true role in the disharmony. It's not enough to recognize the symptoms, you need to know the root of why you displayed those symptoms.. It's hard to fix being neglectfulnor distance by just not being those things. I'm about to start EMDR to repair my childhood trauma. I hope I'm on the right path now. Is it a common strategy to find overblown faults with your partner, often never expressed to them, as a way of creating a narrative as to why this is not the right relationship? So that when it does eventually fall apart, it was never meant to be. Btw none of those flaws help with the impending heartache.

[@katet4554]

Instead of just viewing myself as the cause of my family's dysfunction, I was actually specifically told that I was the cause of their marital problems.

[@skiaddict08]

Dude. Mind blown. 🤯 🙏 ☝️ 😭 Thanks a million.

[@faithstephen-esuakpor5659]

I'm trying to so hard to be consistent with my kids but sometimes, I just see my self being cold. I'm working on myself by catching myself when I exhibit my inconsistent default behavior and then apologizing for it. I also try not repeat it but to be honest, it's hard 😢

[@oambitiousone7100]

Disorganized attracting disorganized 💣

[@Jacob011]

as above so below, as within so without

[@AzticAztin]

Mutual understanding, therefore love sparks.

[@somedude5713]

Is there hope for a relationship when both parties seem to be DA? I really felt the part about distrust, but also not given any feelings of trust to dispute it.

[@tiarnach71]

Im starting to look over mu shoulder , you must have been fillowing me for the last 40+ years , you got me to a T , apart from im always threatening to sell up n move to Thailand , now ..... can I sort it

[@tcggggg]

Videos like this always leave me more confused. I get the sentiment but when you say “work with somebody to establish safety” “the goal is to establish a safe steady connection” what exactly does that mean? How does that diverge from normal couples? What specific behaviors will change, as in less insecurity in this department or this effect in that…This is a man’s guide so I would have expected some practicality instead of vague terms like this on women’s disorganized videos.

[@zacar0ni]

Is it possible for people to just be born with disorganized attachment? I have very loving and stable parents who only ever encouraged me yet I felt like he was describing me when defining disorganized attachment.

[@J80199]

I would dig deeper. Actually they say that attachment style is actually formed between the ages of 0-2. Something you wouldn’t recall.

[@neonix01]

Personally I also think that this can be developed after traumatic long-term relationships during adulthood. My childhood was not exactly as described in this video (and others), but some of it might be true. But I have also been married to a borderline narcissist for 8 years, which really really took its toll and was a trigger for leaving me in constant fight or flight. I was usually a very calm and relaxed person before that marriage, but maybe had some hints of this disorder before the marriage, early on in new intimate relationships. But now after this marriage is over (it's been many years now), I really, really struggle with DA symptoms to a singificantly higher degree than I ever had. Before my marriage I would maybe be a 2/10 scale, but now I am at 9/10 scale. So I definitely think this can also be developed in adult life, or - be triggered and worsened in adult life because of traumatic experiences, relationships, etc. which causes it to flare up.

[@KeishaKiger]

I want to learn how to parent my inner child

[@deanobucket123]

He forgot the part where your partner gets fed up of your bs and says nope - cya.

[@harry-james-books]

01:44 - sorry fella, this is completely wrong: Disorganised Attachment *_IS_* Fearful Avoidant

[@blueowl9973]

I caught that too and I'm confused by it.

[@harry-james-books]

@@blueowl9973 I'd recommend he watches some Katya Morozova then remakes the video

[@benjaminholt6640]

I think bro just needed an excuse for more content. Still good info tho

[@Microplasticreplica]

How is this not just BPD?

[@AzticAztin]

Lol, well, bpd is an extreme version of it in a sense, it has more emphasis on impulsivity and fear of abandonment because the other would be an "external regulator of self" for the bpd person and they dont want to lose that... I have disorganized attachment but im not in that extreme zone.

[@Peaceout4337]

Have one for females? 😅

[@KHGuitars]

Sounds similar to fearful avoidant no?

[@ManTalks]

Fearful avoidant avoids intimacy and relationship because they are afraid of it, disorganized doesn't fully know how to really attach. A fearful avoidant has a sense of what closeness and intimacy can look like and are simply afraid of it, while a disorganized struggles to even articulate or know what or how to connect / build intimacy

[@KHGuitars]

@ thanks Connor!

[@AzticAztin]

​@@ManTalks on what basis you make FA/disorganized attachment distinct? Any sources? Cause at this point it seems like you're mixing bpd traits with FA and calling it disorganized... which i do have btw.

[@MetaPhysStore0770]

Buuut....a DA not aware and not seeking therapy and oblivious Then they are useless to make any relationship work, professional and personal

[@jesseskellington9427]

39:05 anyone in Seattle Washington that can help with this that uses Blue Cross insurance!