Divorce Lawyer Explains Why So Many Relationships Are Failing Today | James Sexton

In this short clip with Divorce Lawyer James Sexton he explains why so many relationships are failing today, how to deal with divorce and more.
Check out the full interview I did with James: • Divorce Lawyer James S...
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[@dougbopst1]

Download the PDF of my memoir "From Felony to Fitness to Free" for FREE: dougbopst.com/FREE/ KZbin: kzbin.info/door/1xly1FdiIE2s8c5wUr2dgw Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2kXk7ZbTzv4Lnf8lxLnnTn?si=940850e429184327 Apple: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-adversity-advantage/id1496406333

[@lonwolf8245]

My parents were married almost 70 years before they passed. I asked them each individually what was the "SECRET" to the longevity. They BOTH said independently "I do my best to make (partner) happy". That being said I truly think most successful relationships are between NICE people. Too many couples are tit for tat and I do more and you do less mindset. The couple needs to be a TEAM and try to support one another any way they can. Ya gotta have HEART.

[@Downy22]

Great point!

[@truthseekingfreethinker5214]

HEART, what is that?

[@marlajacques6947]

It sounds simple but I’ve never heard this formula before but it totally makes sense. Now I will never forget this, thank you!

[@Chad_Max]

The problem is we've created a social structure where women can't fail. If they're not pretty its not b/c they're fat and ugly its b/c the standards for beauty are wrong. If they get pregnant its not b/c they made a bad decision its a non-issue b/c of plan B or an abortion. When you create a structure like this where people can't fail and then learn from failure, you just create one of those guys that goes to the gym but has never been in a real fight. Its all show and no substance. So when crap hits the fan, they run. Just like when a relationship/marriage gets bad women run and the divorce system incentivizes them to do this b/c it transfers wealth. There's a reason why almost 90% of divorces are initiated by women...

[@bladerunner8832]

Perhaps you're right. It's just too bad that a lot of people's personalities do a 180 after they've signed the marriage contract.

[@whiteybester9160]

As an older man. Since social media showed up things started to go terribly wrong. And that is a fact.

[@alphacentauri8083]

Divorces began to skyrocket after the age of the Enlightenment(18th century) when "marrying for love" became the new trend.

[@thebest12700]

@@alphacentauri8083 Yea things were always on a bad course, social media just sped up the process.

[@alphacentauri8083]

@@thebest12700 Cultures with the highest marriage success rates to this day are those that practice arranged marriages. Look it up. They focus on the utilitarian component of marriage. As such, when you fall in love you will also fall out of love, and a ring doesn't negate that part of evolutionary biology. Even during biblical times, women were viewed as property, There is not one example of a love based marriage in the bible. Heads up "conservative" thinkers! Here's a useful rule to embrace: "show me someone's past and I will tell you everything about their future". Infidelity has existed since the dawn of mankind and it won't change.

[@ChristinaSkillern-cl3bg]

Have you read the story of Ruth in the Bible?

[@izzysim9363]

Agreed.

[@dianealbrecht496]

I was married once. My spouse died after 13 yrs. of marriage. We both went thru hell with his illness. I never, ever, regretted marrying him. It was real. Never remarried.

[@koosleroux9207]

​@@DanielKoch-kw6fw17:45 17:45

[@soudipsanyal]

What we need is a genuine friend, a companion, not someone who would wanna destroy you but someone who would understand you & help you.

[@Beaver.17]

That’s what most marriages are at the start

[@laughoutmeow]

You can have this without signing a marriage contract

[@truthseekingfreethinker5214]

It is a woman's duty to understand her husband. If this never happens and the woman thinks it's a man's duty to understand her. The marriage is doomed.

[@Cherries2413]

And where is that person ?

[@km3106]

Marriage is meant to be a excercise in self sacrifice. But people in western countries get married to chase fleeting "happiness", so of course it will fail.

[@raoulberret3024]

Correct! You nailed it perfectly!

[@scottgoulette8900]

Self sacrifice to what end? Not saying you're wrong but where does your definition come from?

[@matthewhowe3727]

I'll watch these podcast that state men shouldn't get married or women are all gold diggers. What I see is a bunch of selfish children who only think about themselves. I took my vows seriously that two become one. We do what benefits us, the couple.

[@scottgoulette8900]

@@matthewhowe3727That's a noble pursuit but there are cases where connection truly fails, many factors to consider (notably children) but I don't disagree with your premise.

[@spatular519]

As a western woman I agree. I married a man from India and he has taught me so much. Self sacrifice is the correct position to take on marriage. You get married to give yourself to your partner, not take what they can give you. It’s actually more beautiful and connected that way. Not all the time, but usually I’m happy to share his life with him, and he motivates me to do my best for our family.

[@blueskies7035]

Right off the bat, he gets it. Many couples/people confuse attraction with compatibility. The chemical reaction in the early-stage passion isn't sustainable; it needs to evolve into something else... better.

[@alexp7274]

Agreed

[@GuitarsAndSynths]

lust vs true connection and bonding

[@VideoArchiveGuy]

The attraction and "butterflies" are INFATUATION, which will always naturally end after 18-24 months. By that point a deeper relationship takes over, or the couple bails.

[@samfeldman1508]

I would agree however there is no correlation between dating longer and waiting to marry vs getting married shortly after meeting.

[@hirokim81]

True. The drive from the attraction can be a motive for making oneself more compatible to the other.

[@JohnMoore-ov1zv]

This divorce attorney is a smart observer of human nature.

[@manasuniyal2897]

Take away alimony and nobody will divorce😂😂

[@Chad_Max]

Sort of but not really. For instance, he's talking about what a group of women are chatting about that their partners do that made them happy. But women rarely if ever chat about what's truly going on but rather what they're feeling. When groups of women are chatting together, there's an undercurrent of competition between them which is subtle but present. So for instance, if a woman expresses that her partner bought her flowers and she got all giddy about it then its easy to take this piece of information and formulate an idea that if you buy her flowers then the possibility of the relationship succeeding increases. But that's simply not true. What the woman in my example is leaving out is that on a fundamental level she's not attracted to her man and him buying her flowers has enough equity as a gesture that she can drop it among her friends and competitively rise above them in that moment. Nothing more, nothing less. There's no grand theory to extract from this that buying her flowers will keep your relationship strong. If you believe that, then good luck to you b/c you have no clue how feminine nature works. Even women themselves don't understand this. Ask any woman how many men she's been very attracted to in her whole life and the number will be less than the five fingers on her hand. And if you press her as to what attracted her to these men she'll simply say "there was something about him", but more importantly its unlikely that her current significant other is on that list and also that deep down she knows she would do anything for the man she was deeply attracted to. And I can almost guarantee you he never bought her flowers....

[@eatnplaytoday]

@@Chad_Maxare you a woman??

[@kylemarshall1100]

Level Headed Childhood and attorney.

[@Majorhavoktv]

The take away is to never stop dating your significant other or stay single if your too lazy to do this.

[@hawkt2448]

That's a great point.

[@secullenable]

bingo

[@lauralinden6840]

Staying single is not a matter of laziness. In my case, it’s having decided I enjoy my own company better than that of another. Having had a long-term marriage, I’ve never been happier and felt more secure now that I live alone.

[@sharinaross1865]

@@lauralinden6840 something about living alone.

[@jacquelynn2051]

@@lauralinden6840I value the peace and clarity that I experience living alone. I’m not against cohabitation as I’ve done that before and do not miss it. Every individual has different needs that’s for sure. I’m not so emotionally needy of others as most do not fill the void anyway due to lack of self awareness and empathy. My take is that many who lack clarity are in relationships seeking for others to fill their voids..and there is nothing innately wrong with that, but it starts to topple when they do not or cannot return the favor. No one wants to be sucked dry. The couples that find true balance between them are lucky…or hellbent on not breaking up😊

[@bernie6355]

My parents stayed together because they had no options. Today there are just too many options once the thrill is gone.

[@jovandavidovic1]

Both scenarios are bad and extreme

[@clv603]

@@jovandavidovic1 life itself is a pretty bad and extreme scenario. Enjoy your health while you have it

[@thepragmatist]

Yes. This is true.

[@LastOne155]

I am middle aged. There is no way I could recover from a divorce now, so there is no way I can get married

[@bunniewood]

Limited mentality

[@LastOne155]

@@bunniewood limited years to rebuild my retirement after losing at least half to some woman plus lawyer fees plus half my house and everything else. Women like you live in a fantasy where everything is handed to you. Such is not the case for men. Also, I spent the last 25 years investing and saving. There is no way i would endanger that by allowing some stupid woman access to my assets. Those assets are going to my ids or grandkids, not to some leftover woman

[@michelleeggers719]

The more ppl you let into your relationship, the harder it is. Friends and family get in your ear and say he should be doing this or that.

[@tabithan2978]

You sound like a control freak.

[@LB-tw7gg]

@tabithan2978 how is other people giving their opinions make a person a control freak?

[@srinavin]

This is gold

[@tabithan2978]

A man that discourages women from having friends and family to talk to IS A CONTROL FREAK. RED FLAG FOR AN ABUSER! 🚨

[@nrich5127]

I think he hit it on the head - disconnection caused by several game changing issues - are you really going to stay in a relationship with someone who exhibits any of these characteristics : 1. serial cheating 2. financial dishonesty 3. physical or mental abuse 4. sexual disinterest 5. gambling/alcohol/drug ongoing issues 6. disinterest in being self supporting

[@johncoviello8570]

Good list. I would add: 7. Disinterest in spending time together I see that problem develop among many friends in relationships. One partner just gives up on trying to do relationship things and would rather hang with friends or act single without ending the relationship or trying to rekindle it into a healthy relationship where the couple wants to and enjoys spending time together.

[@lanebashford3982]

Add to 5: internet/smartphone addiction

[@vernonkelly3379]

Selfishness pure and simple.

[@rrssmooth6643]

Mostly everyone in a relationship to be with each other, but they never really connect with each other.

[@stopper90004]

Everyone has tried to sanitize this simple truth by relabeling it as "narcissism" (the way they relabeled homelessness as unhoused 😂😂). The recategorization of language by the woke came about (in order to avoid assigning responsibility for the selfishness/lack of empathy) is the result of weak parenting since the 80s when former hippy/Marxists started having kids and stopped correcting kids for selfish behavior because of the cancer of collectivist ideology in which the individual is not held accountable for selfish behavior...rather, they are considered"victims" of circumstances/poverty. They adopted the victim myth in order the impose the collectivist solution: government/state (other people's assets stolen and redistributed).

[@samuelhomer8885]

That's a big part of it

[@paulbroderick8438]

Three things. Want, want and want.

[@mrj8940]

Because "You should never reward a person who is breaking the contract "

[@Teamster83]

Yup

[@atlantaguy6793]

We used to call the disconnection you discuss in the video "growing apart". Successful relationships require a conscious awareness, consideration and caring 24/7 of the other person ....... and it must be mutual. Both partners in the relationship must constantly and honestly ask themselves "what do I bring to this relationship" rather than "what am I getting out of this relationship". When only one partner asks themselves this question, the two people "disconnect" and the relationship ends.

[@Ghost1170]

Lmao, he just used a synonym. It aint like "growing apart" isnt used anymore, relax, Plato. It's just communication. The better communication a couple has and how easily they can navigate through life together. If theyre able to do that, theyre gonna last. Even if they argue or get into verbal fights, if you both can navigate and communicate well, it has way less of a chance to end badly

[@missfaztudo9312]

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@Mtmonaghan]

You really want to own your partner, ridiculous suggestion. It’s about trust and companionship. All this needy support and caring makes your partner more like a parent than a lover.

[@atlantaguy6793]

@@Mtmonaghan ..... my husband and I have been happily together for 23 years and we both just retired from executive careers ...... my post reflects the success of our relationship. What about you?

[@whiteybester9160]

And most of all respect. Not only for yourself but also for people around you...

[@A_n_y_t_i_m_e]

"Connection" = limerence and infatuation. That fades away in a matter of few years. Marriage is second hardest job on the planet. First is parenting. Many, MANY don't get this.

[@nancyculp6968]

He is totally different from all the lawyers I have been around! If more lawyers thought about helping couples instead of just another job, this world would be a much better place!

[@themastter8]

It’s all advertising.

[@brucetownsend691]

There are all sorts of lawyers because there are all sorts of people, and lawyers are people. As a retired lawyer, I can say there are many who routinely give objective and sensible advice to clients without regard to whether it will generate work for which they will be paid. There are also scumbag lawyer who live up to the stereotype. You will find a wide range in all the professions. The hard part for clients is finding a good one.

[@kosiekoos9408]

It can blow up in the face big time. Clients turn against lawyers who try something new. People are wicked.

[@billdaker1120]

The thing that brought you together is the very thing they tears you apart. The loss of respect!

[@josephroth8761]

I have never heard anyone say divorce is disconnection but I believe you have given the most accurate answer why people leave each other. Manny Thanks

[@jamesmcclain4588]

You probably actually have it was just described differently ever heard of grew apart?

[@raoulberret3024]

Disconnection is complete .. Marriage is HARD WORK. Marriage is commitment and responsibility of both parties. One does not get married to be happy nor because one is in love. One gets married to create something far larger than either one or party can achieve on his/her own, and often it means starting a family. Love is something one BUILDS, not something one FINDS. Always feelings, wants and desires… What a waste…

[@forman208]

I think it's a lot simpler than people make it out to be. People simply do not think long term about what a marriage entails, they think about the wedding, they think about the honey moon, but they don't actually think about what life with this person will be like 2, 5, 10 years from now, and I just honestly feel like a lot of people are not prepared for that kind of commitment to one person. They don't realize the physical attraction will fade or the amount of selflessness and work it takes to make a marriage successful. Add in how long people live and our societies ideals, marriage frankly isn't going to work for a lot of people.

[@apushman]

People like the idea of marriage, but not the work involved

[@josephobenauer3093]

Nicely done.

[@jacquelinemarie9655]

I completely agree. I love my spouse to the ends of the earth and we get along SO well… and I still tell people that marriage is like a full time job or a daily practice that will last for the rest of your life. It involves such a basic and underrated skill set of consistency, open-mindedness, open communication and trust. I wish we were taught in school how to regulate our demotions and have healthy communication and boundaries with others. It wouldn’t solve every problem but at least people would have a greater chance at healthy love.❤

[@samfeldman1508]

I wish my younger self got this advice. Would have saved me a lot of pain.

[@henli-rw5dw]

It's even simple than that, you just have to keep saying things to make the girl feel loved. With practice you get really good at this and eventually you'll even brainwash yourself, such that even you yourself will not be sure if it's true or not. All the lie you tell her to make her feel loved start becoming true in reality. By this point, you'll have a great marriage. The caveat is, you need to find someone who is worth this effort.

[@k.johnsonj5338]

Everyone should talk to this guy prior to getting marriage

[@lancelotdufrane]

I’ve heard this gentleman before. Very good at explaining his experiences with marriage/divorce. I like his analogies. It applies to relationships in general. Thanks

[@JohnSmith-ij4xe]

If I remember his also divorced so his been on the other side too.

[@mrmoe110]

Yeah I saw him first on that Soft White Underbelly podcast

[@deficator750]

hes a divorce lawyer.

[@drlarrymitchell]

Soft white underbelly.

[@sunway1374]

He has many wise things to say about relationship and divorce.

[@YMagoulo]

I've had way too many women over 50 commenting that they are wanting their happily ever after. I always have to remind them that there is no such thing.

[@russianfolktales3641]

Before I reached 30 I have had 7 women all of whom were married. They were good persons don’t take me wrong and good looking too, but i only started to realise now in my 50s how fudged up the world is.

[@JIMKATSANIDIS]

Super helpful video! The problem is, people have way too high of expectations for others and not high enough expectations for themselves. If you can't love someone with flaws, then clearly you're not cut out for love. That was really interesting! A very clear and concise explanation! Thank you Doug and James for sharing it with us!🙌❤👍

[@michaeljeffery7466]

Totally accurate.

[@JIMKATSANIDIS]

@@michaeljeffery7466 Thanks Michael!👋

[@eQuariuz]

Do men and women "love" the same? And exactly what "flaws" can that type of love apply to? Interesting to look at it closer.

[@Lala89856]

I agree. For example, my ex expected me to pay most of the bills while expecting me to cook, clean, and take care of our child by myself. I wanted a partner, really, and he wanted a slave.

[@eQuariuz]

@@Lala89856 How'd you meet him? BTW, was he a tall guy? Curious.

[@Daytonabeachfishingexperience]

At the end of the day its exactly what he said. A disconnect. In a marriage tho there's categories Love, gratitude, Intamacy, respect, healthy habits, communication, teamwork, parenting (for those with kids)& most importantly effort. Each one of those hold a value of disconnection. The more a couple is disconnected in each category the more youll see that marriage crumble and head into a marriage killer infidelity or disrespect or self sabatoge. Its about commitment and effort. It's not just about your feelings. Care for your partners feelings just as much as yours and youll be successful

[@Ferien7]

It’s not because of a disconnect. Disconnects happen for underlying reasons.

[@daisylavenderlove]

So true! Thank you for your comment. In my opinion, if people put just a fraction of the effort into the marriage that they did when they were dating, they would remain happy- all things considered. The reason I say a fraction of the effort is because when you're married there is work, chores, health & fitness, hobbies, possibly schooling or continuing education, & it's not realistic to have the exact level of effort that existed whilst dating. This way there's room for life's obligations, but just enough effort made to keep a good connection with your partner, which is an absolutely necessary thing. & I know that all of the above can & often does apply to people who are dating, but we all know that the dating/honeymoon phase bestows primal, lust-driven motivation that causes almost everyone within it to be almost obsessed with the object of their affections. I've read many times that this is chemical & not a long term phenomenon, hence why it's not realistic to expect the level of behavior which occurs in dating/ the honeymoon phase to exist forever. So a fraction of that is perfect.

[@JustOne-qe7jl]

@@daisylavenderlove So very true. Unfortunately, many people today don’t respect or appreciate advise or wise counsel. Many are addicted to a quick and easy way of living. Hard work, thinking of your partner’s needs, and commitment are sadly not a part of modern living.

[@christinet6336]

Effort! That’s the key. If someone isn’t putting in effort, they’re telling you that you are not important to them.

[@k.hotting4851]

Very nice to hear a more nuanced view on divorce by someone who actually knows what he is talking about.

[@saintmte5076]

Ah so everyone else that have dated, got married etc don’t know what they are talking about? 🤦🏾‍♂️

[@k.hotting4851]

@@saintmte5076 Did I write that somewhere? Where most people have their personal experiences, this divorce lawyer has a larger reference frame, since he has worked with so many different couples. Doesn't mean ones personal experience isn't valid but for example, to answer a question like: 'What is the reason most couples break up?' I think a divorce laywer has a better outlook on this question then the average person.

[@danielborrowdale3903]

Because most people are brought up today with what can I get not what do I have definitely not based on love and respect. Divorce is usually the last step of what can I get.

[@n.sundari889]

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for 70 years, realize that you never really know a person.🧿

[@johnk7893]

Moral of the story...never sign a marriage license. It may be the biggest mistake a man can make, was mine by far.

[@sardonumspa8113]

Yea biggest mistake if you are a man…

[@gardenroom65]

Children? Commitment? Growing up?.?

[@vickimerritt2832]

How sad for you that that is your only take away from a failed marriage. Avoidance of maturity, accountibility, and responsibility. Blame anything but yourself. A real prize.

[@johnk7893]

@vickimerritt2832 and cue the classic female shaming tactics. Never fails. You proved my point and why men are walking away from marriage. Can you imagine dealing with this kind of non sense day in day out. Take heed men this is your future wife.

[@blandingscastle3729]

For Men Only: Maturity, accountability and responsibility. Women will always be whatever they are.

[@mike9913]

This is one smart guy...beyond book smarts.

[@Evermore2017]

People “feel a connection” to their emotions, not the other person.

[@lavinder11]

Bingo. I'd say that most people who say they've been in love have largely been in love with themselves.

[@Fawn91193]

​@@lavinder11In love with an idea of the beloved--a creation. It's the whole Pygmalion/Galatea thing. From Ovid's "Metamorphoses". It's a creative act. And, yes, highly egotistical.

[@chapagawa]

A lack of commitment is the issue. Once the butterflies wear off, she is looking for the next fix knowing that she is going to come out better financially. The marriage vows include the promise to commit (‘til death do us part), but there is no legal penalty for breaking that commitment.

[@RipMinner]

Not only is there no penalty for breaking that commitment, but there is reward for doing so.

[@sardonumspa8113]

That’s because the state including the judge giving the orders make a profit off your case. Your lawyer is in on it too! You guys just don’t realize this!

[@TLACY606]

@@sardonumspa8113Oh we realize this. Yes there are a lot of simps who still have “faith” in the system. But tons of men these days are not bothering with marriage anymore. Let alone dating.

[@joerapo]

Average western woman has her first relationship at 15 and gets married at 30. If they want to and aren't obese they don't spend much time being single those 15 years. Modern women spend the first 15 years of adulthood in a perpetual state of butterflies and different honeymoon stages. We are then shocked when close to 80% of divorces are filed by women. 90 when they have a degree. To top it off women's media(romance novels and movies) also built a completely unrealistic expectation of relationships.

[@lavinder11]

​@RipMinner Men got rid of that penalty because they didn't want to pay for infidelity. Once no fault divorces became the norm, all bets were off.

[@martycech5844]

Open, Honest Mature conversation with each other is Most important !!

[@private-private]

Open honest mature conversation with a woman? I have some land in Florida I’m selling, interested?

[@atlntcostv7293]

Unrealistic expectations due to social media & money

[@mrsjoeyfamous]

As a remarried 50 year old woman who has 4 adult children that are in their serious relationship phases in life, I struggle with wanting to share this very informative video. I wish as a 23 year old getting married my unformed brain would have known this valuable information. Perhaps it would have influenced my post divorce life choices. Being emotionally reactive during a divorce is a recipe for disaster. I can absolutely, corroborate what this lawyer is saying from my experience going through a divorce as young mom of a toddler and newborn. My divorce was treacherous.

[@VonGoldfinger]

Who initiated the divorce?

[@bootsiekeegan4401]

Im still hurting from divorce

[@amineaiffa]

Probably treacherous for the guy lol

[@mrsjoeyfamous]

@@VonGoldfinger my ex husband after he cheated while I was pregnant with our second child. I didn’t get alimony or any type of spousal support not even in the short term. He lied about his financials and my child support which I offered to waive was way below what he should have given he lied and hid money.

[@mrsjoeyfamous]

@@amineaiffa no bcuz I left with my kids and the close on our backs. No cash asset, no liquid assets, didn’t touch the stocks or the pension either. I left with my kids and my pride.

[@Grungefan2018]

It’s so hard to get Both people wanting to optimize their communication. I honestly think some sort of therapy early on would do wonders.

[@ThePossumone]

Society does not support marriage - people want personal happiness over what is best for society Fewer religious beliefs ( or that divorce is wrong - now it’s personal freedom that is more important ) Children - people won’t stay together for the kids when they once did Women can make it economically without men so not trapped without choice

[@steelheart4148]

Most women can't make it economically without men. Their solution - alimony.

[@silentlamont]

You mispelled people. You meant women. Nothing is going to change unless we're willing to completely be honest

[@TheDalinkwent]

Yet women still demand men who make more..this is why marriages cant work. Women fought for a role they didnt want..and refuse to admit the truth.

[@Joshua-eo5hr]

I can agree with both of these comments I mean it's true we live in a completely different world now I don't think this is a good thing though.

[@catherineball7584]

I think it's good that women aren't trapped. Men never have been, so why should we, especially if he's abusive.

[@elizabethneff9932]

Are you sure he's a Lawyer and not a Psychiatrist? lol....he's very good

[@thebteamgamingchannel5701]

If I was interviewing that guy, I would've asked him when divorce attorneys are going to stop advising their female clients to fill out police reports with false allegations and filing protective orders that make their husbands homeless just so they can get an upper hand in divorce court. I'd then ask when will they stop accepting sexual favors from their female clients in exchange for their legal services. They're all snakes.

[@sardonumspa8113]

@@juliahinchley2633Oh please. The current state of marriage was introduced by you guys Julia. Reagan introduced no fault divorce not your ash ka nazeee cousins. Nice try though…..

[@private-private]

I tend to almost agree.they are snakes for the most part yes.

[@supercool1238]

I would take anything a lawyer says with a grain of salt careful

[@sardonumspa8113]

@@supercool1238 Exactly! I wonder how many victims did this lawyer have before he decided to tell a scrap of truth about his profession?

[@l.w.paradis2108]

This guy reps REALLY rich people, so I believe he can't come across sleazy in that way.

[@patrikstewart6059]

Wow....this should be a High School's course....definitely a University Course.. . Just wow...excellent

[@6B8RX]

Another big part of the problem is the modern focus on the individual rather than the family. We're all conditioned to believe that we have to focus on ourselves first and everyone, including spouses and children, come second. Others are reduced to acting as mirrors to reflect the individual. In modern Western cultures, people tend to believe that the family exists to serve their interests, whereas in the past people believed that they existed to support, promote, and defend their family.

[@KaimaVixen]

💯

[@gloriathomas3245]

My cousin married a girl whom he knew since childhood...they divorced within months. Sometime its hard looking at their wedding pictures.

[@Trysaratop]

People give up too easily instead of trying to find solutions to the problem and working as a team and compromising.

[@jonniehickson5599]

😂The amount of men in the comments that made this conversation about how bad and wrong women are is amazing. It proves his point even more.✌🏾

[@chipsteve]

James is actually redpill & does collaba with Rollo Tomassi. So actually you missed "his point" (if he was proving anything).

[@reginasemenenko148]

Exactly. The other sex....they are 100% responsible!

[@cameddy4081]

Well expressed - thank you - dysfunctional symbiosis- “disconnection “ …etc …..raindrops make the flood

[@authorfalling]

Divorce happens because of disconnection, got it. Thanks for the insight, glad this was recorded.

[@Havok4191]

😂 right!

[@foumar5217]

He really looks like a lawyer and talks like a counselor 😁

[@VirgotheHermit00]

The question is easy. Everyone unhealed has wounds. Childhood wounds mistreatment, neglect, abuse etc in their childhood. This causes you to pick the wrong people and mistreat other people. That’s the true breakdown of marriage. Narcissistic behaviors, entitlement, insecurities, selfishness, abuse.

[@lukemwenya1]

I watched him when he came on on Soft White Underbelly. Man the level of insight into how things happen as put by him was astounding.

[@nikolaybabinov9916]

Smart and honest person, I think...

[@tedknudstrup6101]

Purchased his book and listened to multiple videos from him. Very sharp and articulate, really enjoy his commentary and stories.

[@sbentsen2714]

I really appreciate his take in talking about not stirring up conflict unnecessarily, that you're known by your reputation and judges and clients will catch on pretty quick if thats your business model. 👍🏼 Integrity and responsibility, and benevolence 💯

[@Alnivol666]

Except that divorce lawyers do stir up conflict.

[@sardonumspa8113]

@@Alnivol666Exactly! Almost everyone of them are lying to you about the nature of family court. It’s a for profit business! Everyone including the judge signing the orders profits off your case! The Dept. Of Justice told ALL courts to stop running as a for profit business. They just ignore it….

[@marydietterich5968]

How refreshing…an attorney that cares!

[@Orlando_Steve]

If he cared, he'd tell men not to get married under the current awful gynocratic legal system.

[@sardonumspa8113]

If he cares he would tell you how to get out of child support order that the state including the judge gets a cut off of! I got my case closed using “due process violations”. He will never tell you this….

[@PanteraRosa91]

​@@Orlando_Steve comments like yours show why, precisely, more women each day don't want any kind of relationship with men and why there is a male loneliness epidemic 😂

[@PanteraRosa91]

​@@sardonumspa8113comments like yours show why, precisely, more women each day don't want any kind of relationship with men nor kids, and why there is a male loneliness epidemic 😂

[@josi77]

Today you just hear " I am looking for this", "I want this" ecc, but no one talks about what they can offer.

[@jovandavidovic1]

narcissists are everywhere around

[@kateruterbories2692]

That's exactly right.

[@powerliterature]

Great conversation. I needed that. Thank you.

[@expatwealthasia8702]

I have tuned into a few of James interviews and every time he is highly refreshing with his thoughts.

[@andrewvangils3112]

Love this guy. Super fair and everytime I watch a video with him as a guest or host, I learn something new.

[@kmg501]

I didn't expect to get valuable insights from this but I did, thanks.

[@kristinayoung6535]

The thing about my husband he doesn't help much around the house which pisses me off. Then I work too. He is a really good dad and he loves his kids and doesn't want to split. I just wish he was more connected to me he is very independent and does his own thing. I been with him half my life 14 years I'm 30 almost 31.

[@Princetonian4eva]

The sad thing is that THIS is what is so common but a lot of men refuse to acknowledge.

[@blackknight9558]

"Not every thing can be the most important thing."

[@user-vi2dk1qz5f]

Great video and awesome advice for people going through the situation

[@Nancy-uc2tu]

Marriage is work. It’s not all peaches and cream. It’s compromise, it’s knowing you’re not going to get your way all of the time. On occasions, it’s deferring to the other person. During an argument, you have to ask yourself “is this the hill I want to die on?” It’s not being the man. It’s being the lady, housewife and mother. It’s a rewarding job. It’s being best friends and lovers. I’ve been married for many years. It hasn’t all been a bed of roses. There are times I want to ring his neck but hey, I’m not perfect either. We still have date night where we can connect as a couple and not just husband and wife.

[@bighomiestevethemetalhead8131]

What are your thoughts on this new hyper-resentful attitude of women online who complain about chores/division of labor and their emotions not being coddled enough, so they punish their man by not having sex with him and generally treating him with disdain. I'm being less generous in my description than these women would like, but that's what it boils down to. I'm seeing this attitude a lot on "relationship advice" channels, aka man bashing channels.

[@Nancy-uc2tu]

@@bighomiestevethemetalhead8131 I don’t like it. They’ll never find a man. They have unrealistic expectations and standards. And they complain they can’t find a good man. Good men want good women. I don’t see ladies anymore. I see “adult” children.

[@bighomiestevethemetalhead8131]

@@Nancy-uc2tu absolutely, good men care deeply about making their spouse happy but it's often impossible to make a woman happy because she cannot be satisfied with what she does have rather than what she doesn't have. It's never enough with someone like that, no matter how hard you try, and then you realize you're bending over backwards for someone who isn't grateful and doesn't reciprocate. It's sad, most men just want a happy family and to have a peaceful life, many of us are losing hope in that being achievable in this hyper-resentful environment.

[@Nancy-uc2tu]

@@bighomiestevethemetalhead8131 Agreed

[@Cyber-Rain]

​@bighomiestevethemetalhead8131 It's never enough. That goalpost is always on the move. "Well maybe if you did this..." It gets accomplished. "Well maybe if you did that..." It gets accomplished. "I don't know." 2nd or 3rd strike, most likely she's the issue. If that is the case, it is completely unfair to think it is someone else's job to fix it and hold it against them when they fail. The real problem was internal.

[@iamcedricpowell8051]

Very accurate. Disconnection. He explained it perfectly

[@user-sq9dv7ru7v]

There is parable about the frog and the scorpion. The scorpion convinces the frog to carry it over the river despite the frog fearing a fatal sting. The scorpion promises not to sting so the frog carries the scorpion. Halfway across the scorpion stings the frog. The frog asks why and the scorpion says ”It’s my nature.” That is marriage. It’s women’s nature.

[@darbyohara]

Yup. Check EVER historical text and civilization and how they talk about marriage/relationships between men and women, nowhere do they say they’re equals. The ancients recognized human nature and they constructed and fine tuned it over generations. We then totally fucked it up in 50-60 years 😂

[@rogermccullough7789]

I think the reason so many couples who still basically love each other split up is that one or both stop affirming the other. “Disconnected” is a good term. As humans, we need affirmation. At different times of our lives we may need more and that should come from our partners, but often we get that affirmation outside the relationship.

[@thenewtowncryer]

There is much better [more clear] perspective/advice out there than what is offered here but I appreciate the effort.

[@beyond_the_infinite2098]

It's more basic. People need to marry a spouse that has the same or similar Weltanschauung. A similar worldview, similar philosophical or religious beliefs are usually necessary for a long term relationship. My wife and I are both conservative Christians with similar political views. We share Biblical principles in our marriage and life. We have been faithfully married for 43 years and are still in love. edit btw we dated for a few years before tying the knot. Most engagements are way too short.

[@cianamartin3932]

If you waited a few years, you both probably were sleeping together before marriage ..conservative my butt!

[@Mcfctreble23]

In my experience women think they can do better than you and especially if they have single/ divorced friends whispering in their ears.

[@blueskies7035]

Yeah. It's the one point that I was skeptical of the attorney, where he talks about what makes women drawn to men; it's always different and evolving. In a nutshell, women are competitive with eachother and their desires are shaped by the opinions of their friends.

[@Orlando_Steve]

Oh I can vouch for this first hand. The marriages in my friend group started falling like dominoes with the divorce instigated by the woman every single time. These bitches want to drag each other down. They all end up unhappy and bitter which is just what they deserve.

[@suebotchie4167]

Frenemies

[@Cyber-Rain]

I've noticed that a while ago. These lonely, jealous "friends" will spew poison into her ears. They arm her with the tools to destroy her own relationship/marriage. "You're too good for him. You should leave him." or "You deserve to loosen up. Let's go have some _fun_ over here. He doesn't have to know the whole details." She listens to them and follows through with it. Years go by, and she realizes that the grass on the other side is either dead or astroturf. She wants him back. He's moved on and is doing better, either by himself or with another woman. The real kicker is when you realize who ratted her out and/or who is now trying to put the moves on her single ex. Frenemies.

[@CodeBleu724]

@@Cyber-Rain They become unhinged when you move on, like we're supposed to wait around for her to come back or "fight" for her. No. Life is too short for that nonsense. Women really underestimate how fast men rationalize and internalize situations and move forward accordingly and when we do, we get told we never cared or loved them.

[@lindafogarty3924]

Excellent interview and you asked such excellent questions, thank-you.

[@DanielKoch-kw6fw]

Greetings beloved 💕I hope you don’t feel I’m bothering you,I can’t just inbox for no reason, if I’m permitted i can tell you what I sensed

[@nichollebraspennickx943]

I always enjoy this divorce lawyer… great speaker and very insightful..

[@justmyopinion053]

I really think if you both can define your love language, honor your partners, understand your attachment style and if needed, get the therapy, be cognizant of your partners needs, treat each other with respect then your chance of keeping a happy relationship alive is exponentially high.

[@tigermedz]

But if it's not natural for both of you to act that way, it feels forced. You're basically going through the motions to make the other person feel better. It sounds very uninspiring.

[@Zuluisms]

you have to find someone you’re willing to do it for. relationships based on “what can I do for my partner today,” instead of what can my partner do for me today work best, last longest, and have the most fulfilled partners. BOTH parties have to be giving to one another. otherwise what’s the point?

[@frankrizzo5262]

The biggest marriage killer in my life is my mom… never seen a marriage survive a relationship with her in the picture

[@davidc4408]

She is jealous and feels she will be forgotten

[@darbyohara]

@@davidc4408she will. That’s part of life mom. Get over it. It’s easier for mom to let go if she’s got a husband too

[@davidc4408]

@@darbyohara not really. If he has had good relationship with mum, she will always be in life and love her in different way. She is blood. However, she may feel jealous if she is left out.

[@divekatdreaming]

Well, that man is brilliant.

[@ChakraAttack]

"You live and die by your reputation..." Absolutely true no matter what you are doing. A positive reputation takes a long time to build and seconds to destroy.

[@ansar714]

If it's easy to break the marriage contract it's easier for people to consider a divorce lol.Its not complicated, people eventually get tired of each other also.

[@kengaroo5170]

Men hope a woman doesn't change and the woman hopes that the man changes. Women drop the act when it suits them.

[@michaeljeffery7466]

Absolutely true. You have to catch them slipping before you're committed.

[@reck0n3r]

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." - Albert Einstein

[@Princetonian4eva]

Ah, yes - women are evil and men are good. Well done

[@SENSEF]

Nonsense. I wanted my husband to NEVER change, he took off the mask once we married. Look up love bombing. And narcissism.

[@Justamillenialworkinmomma]

You hit the nail on the head.

[@rvrgrrl]

This divorce lawyer is a wise, compassionate person. If my spouse and I weren't doing it DIY, this would be the kind of atty to have! I also think he's 💯 re: disconnection. As evidenced by several of the comments, it's tempting to judge others who are ending their marriages. I try to remember that no one truly knows what someone else's relationship is like on the inside, and they don't owe anyone an explanation. I used to think being married for 70 years was an ultimate goal, but that approach doesn't work for everyone and it's okay to end a marriage that isn't working.

[@timc2493]

It’s the narcissist and codependency dance. Trauma bonds and manipulation always!

[@Orlando_Steve]

Psychobabble nonsense. Literally everyone is a narcissist according to the internet.

[@MrUFCFan12345]

It can all be traced back to when smart phones and social media began. These 2 things played a massive role in divorce because of variety of options especially in favor of women People, in general, are only as faithful as their options. Primarily women, if you look at who initates divorce it’s women due to the fact that they have abundance of options a click away

[@mazengwe28]

Instagram was the Pandora's box that expanded the Vanity in modern society, mainly women.

[@Orlando_Steve]

Women instigate divorce 80% of the time. If another option becomes available for a woman she will use any minor infraction of the husband as justification of her adultery. Forget the years of sacrifice and everything the man did for her. Women have no sense of loyalty or accountability.

[@hybriddude007]

Women can get sex way easier than men, but they are not good at getting commitment, high value men are in charge of giving women commitment. When it comes to getting commitment from a high value man, it’s only her personality, and deeds that matter. With social media, and high body count of women, I don’t see how modern day women can ever get a committed relationship from a man that they desire.

[@hirokim81]

Darn, that was a very good speech. Going through a break up myself, he put things in good perspective. I hope never reaches to the point of talking to a lawyer though.

[@maryalazo5964]

Great explanation!

[@jasonmoxley465]

Yet to meet a lawyer that doesn’t push conflict.

[@brianallen140]

You don't get out much

[@private-private]

I think you dont get out much Brian as I’ve yet to meet a lawyer who doesn’t push conflict either.

[@brianallen140]

@@private-private ok

[@makalu877]

@@private-private Conflict=more $

[@jaredweiman2987]

An easy way to diagnose this problem would be to look at statistics and see which party (men or women) tend to file for divorce most often. I just don’t see a lot of men wrecking their homes. The serial cheating husband seems to be more of a stereotype born of American sitcoms and Hollywood movies than it has any basis in reality. The simple solution is for men to stay unmarried until divorce courts are recalibrated in a way that doesn’t explicitly siphon their earnings off to a woman who decided she was bored one day.

[@lappesjl1]

Women are twice as likely to have extra-marital affairs. 70% of divorces are filed by women.

[@davidelbaz1652]

Completly agree with you 👍

[@smokingcrab2290]

80% of all divorces are initiated by women over "emotional disconnect" as their reasons. But women will stay in relationships with men who are abusive - even physically. So to women, emotional connection is more important than not being physically abused. Figure that one out. But the problem is that women are so instinctual that it's hard for men to connect with them emotionally. Women prioritize different instincts during different phases of their lives. That's why it's easy for men to connect with women when the woman's instinct is to lock down a man. The once she does, her instinct shifts to "make babies". Then it shifts to "be a mom" and then she projects all of her expectations of the man to be 100% on board with all of her spontaneous, uncommunicated instincts 100% of the time. This is why the disconnect happens. Because women want to control the entire relationship with their instincts.

[@darbyohara]

Your analysis correct. The divorce laws are actually beneficial to one party to leave the marriage. You can’t have a deal where one party is legally incentivized to break the contract Here’s the fix: Default 50/50 custody of kids No alimony unless specified in prenup agreement Asset division plan required to be prepared and submitted with marriage filing Each party pays legal fees in event of divorce

[@DefaultDerrick]

To be fair that kind of male character USED to be common in real life society but I don't think it is any longer or at least not as common.

[@tatiekbokings7930]

so clear n well said

[@ThePatynight]

Perfect explanation. It’s really is disconnection

[@denniedollreborn8711]

I’ll just admit it I’m too selfish to be in a relationship or probably even date. I just want to do what I want and I’m not willing to bend an inch for anyone. Atleast I accept it

[@Essence56]

How old were you when you realized that you’re too selfish to be in a relationship?

[@xdiaz755]

Good professional & ethical man👏 I go about marriage/love the way Christianity teaches✝️ It’s a sacrifice, we sacrifice and serve others the way the Lord did, he’s our best example on how to truly love the people in our lives💜

[@Slowrex123]

The lack of God in the household is definitely part of it.

[@bryantrulen7570]

This dude is REALLY smart

[@aramebrahimi3754]

The world needs more men like these! Kudos

[@Ikaros23]

Chaseing a partner that is « chaseing excitement», that is « new shiny object fallacy». Is going to lead to ruin/suffering. The « trophy partner» is one extreme. The other is the « replacement of parent mother/father issue». The correct green flag is to seek a healthy partner with a « stoic view» on life. That is they are practical and understand that life has it’s natural ups/downs, but that it’s important to stil grow and be in the « game of life». No matter what chaos/randomness life trows at us Keep walking. Keep fighting. And if your partner can’t handle life and turns to addictions or narcissism to cope. Then simply cut them lose. There is nothing to gain from a toxic partner. Take your time to heal then move on. And stay away from matches with « red flags» in the future. If it sounds to good to be true, then it most likely is a scam

[@tamcole8533]

People don’t truly understand what those vows mean. It says “for better or for worse” for a reason. Happiness is a sliding scale in marriage, therefore one should not solely or mainly base the marriage on this because of this very reason.

[@CodeBleu724]

Happiness is the pursuit of it, not an end result. It's like any other emotion. It comes and goes. So many women are on SSRIs today because they fail to understand this.

[@thatguy7085]

It was all this… and yes, I lost connection. Yes, it is such a disconnect, that I don’t even think I ever really knew her after 18 years.

[@annc560]

There is so much anger among people now. It's non-stop from television - about everything. And folks let that play in the background of their homes all day. Turn it off. Respect is gone, self control is gone, trying to work out a win-win solution, and a reverence for what marriage was supposed to be - all gone. There's a few of us left, but our advice to the younger ones is dismissed.

[@jayjohnson1169]

Most college educated women with a career and financial independence will not follow a man's lead. I've never seen so many single and divorced middle aged professional women in work environments in circles that I associate in. Seems like 70% of them.

[@Chambermenz]

Wouldn't make sense to follow the lead of someone who's less accomplished, lazier, and dumber.🤷🏻‍♀️

[@BrandonD]

As a relationship consultant and dating influencer I will tell you it’s social media and emotional cheating ending more relationships than finances

[@bl9531]

Very insightful