Do Mean Women Really Get More Than Nice Women?

[@Luis913Barroeta]

A securely attached man wouldn't want a mean woman, its not in their subconscious comfort zone 💯

[@empressonthethrone]

I often question this. Being the kind and supportive woman hasn't gotten me anywhere. However, I am not up to playing these games. It is exhausting!

[@ronmexico8383]

You are attracted to jerks and support the jerk You are NOT attracted to good men. 100% guarantee you haven't made it to date 4 with a good man. Your reason to call it off is you didn't have "chemistry" We men see it, it's super clear to us. The jerks are great at "chemistry", they have "chemistry" with 99% of women, not just you. Solid, decent, good men have "chemistry" with 0.00000001% of women. Keep looking for that "chemistry"

[@crystalwilliamson8463]

Same

[@Mom_Luvs_Tech]

Same

[@ForrestMystic]

Same. I just stopped dating. Not here for the bs.

[@jbanks7561]

My honest opinion: people need to have a good balance of both "nice" and "kind" because being overly nice, people will walk all over you. Kindness will get you far!! Also, know what to tolerate and not tolerate into yohr life. Healthy assertiveness is key.

[@CrimsonWave89]

The goal is assertive, not mean or aggressive (unless absolutely necessary). Mean/aggressive and assertive are not the same thing and I think that needs to be spread around to the human species more.

[@empressonthethrone]

The ♈️ in me is in agreement 😂.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

I look at it like this: secure people are in the minority. The majority of people are insecurely attached and have wounds around earning and receiving love, and thus engage in people-pleasing behaviors. We as a society write it off as "wanting/liking a challenge." The reason women use the strategy of being selfish, rude, mean, standoffish, lazy, etc. is because it works on the insecure majority. If they come across a secure person who holds them to reciprocal standards, they just leave and find someone insecurely attached because secure people are also being classified as toxic. Women especially thrive on the phrase "The right person loves you for exactly who you are" and not only see nothing wrong with their behavior, but see no reason to change it because their behavior gets them what they want. It doesn't help that these traits and behaviors are enabled and lauded in our society. It also doesn't help that men are desperate enough to tolerate and reinforce this behavior. Even here on YT, there are various content creators who are full-on NPD or ASPD (or both) who have partners or are married, and while I agree that decisions matter more than internal feelings, these people are finding what they want and healthy people aren't because their partner likes and needs the challenge of desperately trying to earn a love they will never receive. In addition, dating coaches push dark psychology like manipulating people's wounds around receiving love, and have many times the follower base that channels like this have. From all conceivable angles, it appears that this really is what works, and the majority of people are buying into it and vouching for it because they're finding that it works. This doesn't mean I engage in these behaviors. There's a reason I'm subscribed here and not to the types of channels I mentioned. I am a kind person (vs nice), but all it does is create immense paranoia in the other woman as to when the other shoe will drop. Or it has women thinking they can use and manipulate me. The paranoia causes them to withdraw, freak out, sabotage, or otherwise create distance up to and including cutting me off or breaking up with me and not being amenable to adjusting the relative speed of the relationship, learning and meeting my needs, or communicating with me in a healthy, meaningful way so we can learn to navigate our relationship together and mutually grow towards a healthy attachment. Far more often than not, this is why I personally get dumped/ghosted/slow faded. As a general observation, women seem more interested in holding power and control than in having actual relationships. You can be as secure and vulnerable as they come, but until there is work being done to view security and vulnerability as human instead of weakness, and as healthy instead of toxic, nothing will improve.

[@empressonthethrone]

The part about being secure and vulnerable is the motto I live for. I want a relationship in which I can be comfortable enough to be vulnerable. I have never had one, but when I am comfortable being vulnerable, it means I feel safe. When I find this person I know that person will be the one. To be vulnerable doesn't mean you are weak, it means that you are strong enough to take the risk. Weak people often show a lack of vulnerability IMO.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@empressonthethrone That's my focus as well. These are the friends that I have so I can maintain that goal for a potential romantic relationship.

[@JackGordon86]

You hit it on the head with "secure people are being classified as toxic". Now, being secure is definitely attractive and the opposite sex picks up on it, but also the more insecure a person is, the more a subconscious feeling of repulsion (rooted in envy) creeps in. Hence being mean as a coping mechanism.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@JackGordon86 Right, so what's the appeal in having a woman when she's just going to be mean to [proverbial] you because she won't address her insecurity?

[@empressonthethrone]

​@cornwallismorgan874 ❤ this for you 🤗.

[@NikNik0123]

Shera is hilarious!😆I watch her for comic relief. I also can appreciate how she values logic over emotion.

[@itsshierlz]

Same! She’s a hoot lol

[@therealstephanye]

Thank you, Thais. I know a lot of wealthy men who are with mean women and at least one who is married to a narcissistic woman. She is spoiled rotten and he buys her huge gifts anytime she stonewalls him and they'be been married 40 years. It's made me really question if relationships are worth it because I'm just not capable of treating someone the way she does. Partners describe me as kind all the time, but as a FA, I have struggled with boundaries. I feel like I'm getting better at being kind vs nice. But I also feel like people sometimes choose partners that treat them the way they feel they deserve, so even a kind partner is offputting to someone who hasn't done a lot of work on themselves or confronted their own self esteem problems.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

This is true, and is my experience as well in a lot of ways. I think the longest-lasting and most attached relationships are those built on trauma bonds.

[@wf4983]

Spot on. What I learned is to stay away from the 'victim', too. In your example, that would be the husband of this narcissistic woman. They are part of the problem. It's likely they use another kind human being to get through the day ... because they hunger for appreciation and kindness.

[@therealstephanye]

@@wf4983 this is absolutely true and an important lesson!! That couple in my example is actually my parents lol but I have distanced myself from both of them because I've had to be the mediator in their problems since I was a kid. That's how I know she would run away to torture him, because he would call me to say he hadn't seen her for days or weeks but had seen withdrawals from his bank account 😒 hoping I would applogize to her for him or help him track her down. The "victim" ends up over time becoming an enabler that helps make the narcissistic person much worse by eventually dissolving and relaxing their boundaries while using others to get the attention and kindness that they aren't getting from their partner. It's a nope all around.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@wf4983 Actually, it's the narcissist who's far more likely to do that. The actual victim is so drained that they don't even have the energy to do anything. You have to remember that most victims don't even start experiencing abuse until the perpetrator has them in a position where they can't readily leave. If you're experiencing a purported victim who continually enables this dynamic, they're a narcissist too. These are the only people who have the stamina for this kind of thing.

[@HippieZippy]

It's important to just be yourself. There are toxic people who take advantage of good-hearted, kind people, and I think that's reflective of the age we live in. We have come to value everything that is wrong in the modern world. People brag about their sense of apathy and inability to care . Being 'mean' or cruel is not desirable qualities to have, I'm sorry. Nor should we strive to be female dogs. As women, we have forgotten who we are! We are grappling , struggling with our identity, and what makes us great. We are suffering from collective insecurity and are not sure how to behave or who we are. We need to change things around and start believing in our capabilities and our strengths. Every society is built on great women. Be who you are & for the right people, that will be enough. Most men today have mummy issues and wouldn't know what to do with a strong woman if his life depended on it. So let's stop doubting ourselves and find real men worthy of our time and not entertain these imbeciles.

[@jacouriwhite9252]

I agree

[@gatorssbm]

Yeah its abusers and narcissists whove really pushed me to appear so dettached even as a guy and learning how to enforce boundaries and be assertive has made me comfortable being someone who can be more comfortable offering kindness, empathy and compassion again without fearing itll backfire.

[@HippieZippy]

@@gatorssbm Absolutely, I agree. Even men are affected by all this toxicity and nonsense. Well said.

[@empressonthethrone]

Well said 👏🏾.

[@nannyboo9832]

Every time I’ve been nice, sweet blah blah.. I’ve been cheated on but when I’m “mean”, aka nonchalant… the person I’m dating is head over heels. I think the takeaway for me is when I’m the “good girl” with men, I often slip into being more of a doormat :/

[@gatorssbm]

The key is assertiveness and unfortunately men are subconsciously attracted to both but what they really want is someone whos assertive. Either way Id still encourage to be kind, people who cheat wouldve done it anyway thats more on them rarely ever the person who gets cheated on unless they were also toxic.

[@nannoreul]

You’re describing my life. I’ve been chronically cheated on by just about every guy I’ve ever dated. I wonder if maybe I just pick the type of guy who does this, but idk

[@CeeP211]

Unfortunately, being nice has gotten me nowhere

[@Intp_LaFemme2.0]

While I absolutely love your videos and agree that people should (in an ideal world) be kind, the reality is that in the patriarchal setup the world operates on, women are just expected to offer their love, body, time and domestic labor to men for free. Generally, men pursue women to get their sexual needs met, and women are tired of being “gamed”. So if you are going to address Shera for showing women how to employ defensive tactics against men’s “game” then you also need to address means podcasts that are telling men to view women as commodities like new or used cars. Women by and large are not seeking out men to drain their pockets, but men ARE absolutely seeking out women to get their needs met from them, so if you want to talk about transaction, let’s talk about how men say all over these podcasts that they only behave in order to get what they want from women, and outright refuse to be kind to women unless they are benefitting from them.

[@kausha7135]

When I was a people pleaser, I did not understand why people still had beef with me. Now recovered, I can see it clear as day. It is annoying at best and feelings manipulative at worst. While I'm always thoughtful and kind to these people, internally, I'm extremely irritated with them. I don't want highly agreeable friends and partners. I want real humans.

[@Cranberries87]

I truly value the sound teachings I’ve received from Thais and the PDS; reprogramming core wounds, learning what your needs are and how to meet them, concepts like trait variety and addressing your shadow. BUUUTTTT…I also value a little “Sprinkle Sprinkle” messaging as well. 👀

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your kind comment, We're so glad to hear that you've found great value out of the content !!

[@dl5054]

Relationships- for me, ideally, compliment one another’s reasonable expectations sincerely with an understanding of each other’s needs. You’re right. Using a human relationship (other than oneself) solely for significance or financial seems erroneous and fragile. Intentions- ideally to find a complementary rib to one’s double helix and further the desired traits Homework complete! What’s my grade? If it’s below a B please grade on the curve

[@mysuisselife2089]

Read the book, it's excellent. Works well, ZERO manipulation tactics. Just read it, applied it. Both my bfs are acting right 😊

[@CeeP211]

I know that's right both BFs

[@empressonthethrone]

😂😂😂😂

[@porbuencamino]

Which book is this?

[@Ksiuiu]

Finally! Always wanted to know this

[@wendydaniel1110]

As a securely attached I will not accept mean / cold people or people pleasers in my connection. Both are not compatible for me as both have major attachment issues and are operating in a false persona. ❤

[@mikromue]

What Thais said is based on the premise that these people have only one partner. But usually they get different needs met from different partners.

[@sifublack192]

I learned long ago that there's a difference between being nice and being a doormat. Most people confuse the two, which makes for many of these incel/insing videos. Over the past decade or so, I've used the words "nice vs kind" to describe the differences like Thais does here. A nice person let's someone walk all over them and is a people pleaser, hoping to get something out of people for being "nice." A kind person seems up for themselves and maintains their autonomy whilst doing things with no expectation of anything in return. I still remember exes told me they were unsure of me before getting into a relationship with me because they thought I was "too nice," which was code for "doormat." However, once they found I wasn't asking for anything in return they saw I was being authentic and changed their opinion of me. I think the nice va kind difference can be described in the words of my grandfather who used to say, "put a mat on the floor and it's simply a place to wipe your feet. Hang out on the wall and it becomes a work of art." I tend to agree.

[@Tam_X]

Now that these videos are opening with tik took clips (that are generally saying something in a way that i would not choose to continue to watching), would you please consider adding a title bar to identify that this is actually a PDS video and that better content is coming? I think it would add clarity, transparency and would encourage those of us who aren’t interested in the opening clip.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Run! Run very fast from someone like that! :) I think people put more effort into those that are difficult (but this is different from being mean, which is rottenness). Look at game design: the easy game is not satisfying at all; there must be a measure of difficulty, of struggle, up to a limit; and good design is about reaching that point where it's hard but not impossible. Then, when we win, we feel satisfied. Same with people and perhaps this is why the difficult, or inflexible, tend to gain more respect. "He's a tough nut, that guy."---"She's a strict aunty, that." I would go so far to say that life has difficulty put into its design: there's never "rest," and always some hassle round the corner. Challenging but often not impossible. We complain; but perhaps this is what keeps the engine of life going.

[@empressonthethrone]

I ❤ this analogy.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Challenge is one thing, but people have confused that with insurmountable obstacles they will never clear due to unhealed childhood wounds. I'm difficult in a lot of ways, but because I'm foundationally emotionally responsive and also have standards for myself, women don't have a trauma bond with me and therefore don't feel the need to be with me. They confuse trauma bonds with attraction, conclude that they're not attracted to me, and leave. The only ones who try again are the narcissists because they're losing supply and spin up these delusional stories about me.

[@BeYouTFully]

@@cornwallismorgan874I’m in the same boat

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@cornwallismorgan874 I understand and agree. It's all a mess and where do we begin? Many men are in the same situation and fed up. I think when one is "healthy" and doing the "right" things in a relationship, many a time it goes haywire, as you've described. Dare I say it's because human nature relishes to be ill treated, a form of masochism? Let's turn our mind away from that dark thought. My philosophy is, I want to have nothing to do with this "quest" any more.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@empressonthethrone Thanks :)

[@Neis757]

I feel mean women get more even my mom Tbh

[@mikromue]

Avoidants love this kind of toxic people 😉

[@Fire_Moon_Tarot]

It depends on the man honestly some men love mean women

[@momob4070]

I don't mean to be rude, but you might have eyebrow blindness. I hope its not offensive, its like if you had lipstick on your teeth you might want to know. They should be brought down thinner from the top. The color less dense from the inside and blended out with the thicker ends.

[@Litthrudarkness]

Relax

[@sindhusekar1918]

​@@Litthrudarkness actually this is good feedback. I was thinking her eyebrow game is off. She needs to watch some more make up tutorials. As women we tend to notice these things. I love her channel and her work. Thais, keep up the good work. We love you. ❤

[@tucky3191]

Don’t comment on other peoples bodies. It’s inappropriate and rude

[@spacecat8511]

…gosh. Women like the referenced content creator just. Yeah. They’re the reason genuinely kind men become wary, same as so many women having the near-universal experience of “nice” or overtly rude men sending alarm bells clanging. …anyway. YES there is a difference between Nice and Kind. Nice people abused me emotionally to the point I developed an FA attachment style without it being directly caused by my caregivers (although their dismissiveness about it at best definitely contributed to the FA attachment developing.) I’m “nice” when I DON’T feel safe, but will be in an environment for a prolonged period of time that NOT fawning but going into a flee or fight pattern instead will cause pretty bad consequences. I prefer to be kind. I’m direct with people I trust, not “nice.” And I DON’T trust people who are nice. Where’s the knife, I prefer to see it thanks. Prove to me that you’re kind by adcovating for yourself, letting me advocate for myself, not getting your ego bruised if I advocate for you, and for god’s sake could someone just have my back ONCE. …and that’s why I’ll take a man’s hot/cold when I’ve vetted him as kind. Attachment and mental health issues are only human. I prefer surrounding myself with friends/people I can grow and heal with, and that includes my rare moments of attraction too.

[@PeukinsPoint]

Not my faves linking up!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

you know it :)

[@user-mi2uo9xj5t]

OMG Thais, thank you so much for this video. So reassuring! I was talking about this topic exactly with my friends recently, and I said: am I just too nice? Why do people want bitches? I’m not a bitch!! That kind of thinking is so backwards. Its frustrating, but I definitely am not going to put on the bitch front just because it’s popular. Not me at all.

[@IrresistableGoddess]

As a hyper independent feminist with my top scoring needs being growth, contribution, certainty and significance, and love/connection and uncertainty in the bottom 2, my understanding is that we all have the same needs in varying degrees. My top 2 love languages are acts of service and gifts, which are often misunderstood and invalidated by the men I’ve interacted with, dated or have had relationships with. It seems misogynistic that the more commonly male love language of physical touch is more widely accepted and that men historically have felt entitled to help themselves to a woman’s body based on getting his needs met while feeling completely justified in denying and dismissing the needs of a woman if her love languages differ from his own. It is exhausting having to do everything myself and yet it seems that the feminine energy in the relationship is always the one who is expected to bend, compromise and sacrifice in relationships - at least in my experience. I’m not a bitch, but I’ll admit to a degree of resentment over a lifetime of observing and experiencing this that has me refuse more invitations than I accept because it just seems like more trouble than it’s worth to say “Hey, I’d like you to treat me to a salon appointment before our date so I’m feeling my best and ready for an evening out with you.” How does one assert themselves and advocate for their needs when doing so in the past has got them shamed and labeled to the point of giving up on ever being harmoniously partnered?

[@MaatTehuti_Dr_Clark_PsyD]

There are two camps here, one seeking materialism and one seeking loving connection. We cannot afford to seek a loving connection while behaving in a manner which is purely seeking material gain. This is a different philosophy. She is attempting to teach ladies how to move within the realm of the strictly transactional, with men who are strictly transactional. These men are not seeking love and the women are not seeking love either. Thus all love is reserved for self, children and others. Not your significant other nor your husband. This can work if the woman is seeking only material wealth and transaction as opposed to a loving connection.

[@IanuaDiaboli]

I have been waiting for this video for years I think

[@daughteroftheking4492]

Finally someone called out this sprinkle sprinkle lady. Well done. The sprinkle lady breeds frog farmers and home wreckers 😂😂