The HARSH REALITY of having a narcissistic CHILD

[@SylviaBrallier]

I accept that they are not going to change, but I can’t yet get through the shock and grief of losing their love and care, especially when I gave them every bit of mine. I had to cut contact because the cruelty was slaying me. But then my daughter perpetuated it and has not had one word with me in five years. She was my everything. My heart goes out to every parent who is suffering this heartbreaking situation.

[@V1rav1kulan]

I underwent the same.experience with my daughter

[@SallyNegus]

16 years my daughter cut contact....my son on and off...only on when he needs something...both inherited from their father...ALL genetics....time has helped and knowledge

[@redrobin7638]

there is nothing more painful then not having a healthy loving relationship with kids that you sacrificed so much for, that you diligently and sometimes painfully parented (painful because parenting responsibly is hard!)

[@bonniekesic8040]

I am going through the same thing.

[@SylviaBrallier]

@ i’m so sorry for the pain that you’ve experienced. You are valuable and precious. Don’t let their disregard dull your vision to that fact.

[@BSharp369]

Addiction and narcissistic traits in an adult child is the kind of hell you never envisioned when choosing to become a parent and ultimately keeps you stuck.

[@jillferrier8715]

❤️

[@annemarie9980]

My story as well. ❤

[@briobarb8525]

It is a wound that never heals and continues to ooze for your lifetime. 😢

[@lindabaker2267]

Truth

[@mariehughey5390]

Low contact, short visits, accepting my grandchildren will never know me, love from a distance. That’s me making the best of an impossible relationship.

[@susansanders4144]

I only found out that I was a grandmother on my brother's FB page. I don't have a relationship with my brother. This past Christmas would have been my grandson's first Christmas and I wasn't there. I don't know if he will ever know me either. You are definitely not alone.

[@vickijoseph2731]

Same here 😢

[@briobarb8525]

I agree...same here. But it hurts like he l! 😢

[@keplermission]

omg what a long-winded boring talk.

[@SandraA535]

Yes it’s hard

[@babaclay]

My son's a narcissist and he married one. After the grandkids got big enough that they didn't need me, they dumped me. I'm 71 and broke. He's 43 and wealthy. Now I got no family. Trying to adjust after running my life around family. Now there's just me. At least I'm free of their abuse. But it's really sad to lose my granddaughters.

[@helenmccabekantartrial9789]

Sorry you feel alone but take comfort in knowing you are not alone ❤

[@wanderinghome9979]

@@babaclay My mom reaches out to grandkids by sending funny memes and reminding them that she loves them. It’s a way to keep connection, especially with my brother’s kids, whose mom is a narc.

[@jrs2024]

Oh wow, sorry to read. I don’t know how to help in your situation, but I have a narc adult daughter who we’re both hanging on by a thread. Anyway, maybe start a journal about yourself so that by a miracle, your granddaughters will see it & read the stories to learn more about you & that you loved them.

[@naturelova7]

I’m really sorry. It’s so cruel how they can treat their own parents this way! 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@babaclay]

​@@wanderinghome9979I send birthday cards; that's all because I am 100% sure the parents throw them out and don't give them to the kids. I take pictures of them in case I am still alive when the kids are adults so I can show them to the kids so they know I never forgot about them.

[@donnetted]

Please provide more of this content. You have no idea how helpful it is for parents with narcissistic children!

[@beverlyadams7205]

My thoughts exactly. I have waited for this video and am so appreciative of you, Dr.Ramani .for addressing this subject.

[@WriterK]

I think Dr. Ramani indeed has the idea and understanding how much these info sessions are helpful and that's why she's recording these videos :)

[@tiffcat1100]

Yes, it’s a multilayered & complicated, often ongoing pain (which takes in grandchildren too, obviously) ❤

[@McSpaddenator]

@@donnetted I'm very curious what my living parent is going through. I would be interested as well.

[@ReflectedMiles]

I see a lot of narcissistic 4-year-olds, sometimes ~7-year-olds, just in the grocery store--especially on the cereal aisle, and the in-vogue solution is for parents to just not take them into that situation anymore rather than actually confronting the conduct effectively (not yelling, or screaming threats, which speaks about the parent rather than the child). This couldn't possibly have anything to do with the massive rise in ADHD, a widely medicated juvenile cohort, and narcissistic adult children or anything, could it? I wonder what our great-grandparents would say about that, as well as about the net effects of social media.

[@carylcammack7679]

You nailed it, the grief is awful 😢

[@LORELLism]

OMG! Thank you! I’m the mom! The grief and loss of my son? The guilt? What did I do wrong? Did I not hold him close enough as an infant? I can’t change the past! I had to figure out “radical acceptance” alone. I couldn’t explain to my world what I was going through. I have been grieving alone. 😢

[@annchurchill2638]

Me too, His Father was a serious narcissist and a Dark Triad type.He abandoned our children when they were under 5 years old.The children did spend time with him when they were in high school.HIs family had a lot of money and the children were bascially bought off.I had my children early so my Son is 57 now.I expect him to be mature but he is not.He treats my granddaughter badly, invalidating and selfish.While I was just in the hospital he came and , for one hour, attacked me verbally so deeply that it was traumatic.He broke my heart. I have gone No Contact and am healing.I think I know the pain he has but that is not going to solve his porblem.I cannot help him.

[@user-sx9hq7qwert]

E grief is real: grieving a parent or a partner who will die b4 u, n grieving a child who will outliv u? As a former teacher, how many kids did I know who were distorted n twisted by narcissism? Is it inborn? Is it external effects? Is it a combination? E pain n e grief r very real. We grieve w/ u. U r not alone.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

I completely understand. I went through the same thing with my daughter. The pain and grief is awful.

[@wellinever1558]

We are too in this situation. It seems many of us. Guilt guilt guilt.

[@wellinever1558]

​@annchurchill2638 correct. We cannot fix them. In fact no one can.

[@AGenerationJones]

Agreed. The covert ex refused to take part in any disciplining. He traveled for a living and came home and love bombed them, and told them how unreasonable I was. They repeated this when it was time to do homework, brush their teeth, or get to school on time. He exhibited alienating behavior from the start. He groomed his supply from the beginning, and I was just the nanny. But I was a good Mom, and they have their own lives to live. I am at peace, and although we keep in touch, I keep my distance, and have accepted they are who they are, and I don’t have to be close to them. There are millions of people out there who are kind, loving, and empathetic, and I want to hang out with them!

[@wagherbert]

I could have written every word of this.

[@kimpeterson4846]

My story except he didn't work much and was an addict and somehow that was my fault 🙃 he's dead now and a friend of mine told me "you can't compete with the dead" My mother is CN his dad was M'assN Learned behavior or genetic???? It sux. I have great friends and finally a NON-narc husband who is protective and caring. ❤

[@kevinhornbuckle]

My son’s mother never missed an opportunity to undermine any and every effort I made to require our son to be diligent, honest, respectful, responsible. She harmed him terribly by using him as her tool of retaliation against me.

[@michelleg4715]

@@wagherbertSame!

[@catezaida8081]

My 2nd favorite, that my ex did, was the "Oh that's a stupid rule! You don't have to follow that!" My first was the statement to my then 12 yo son and my 8 yo daughter, " Your mother is possessed by Satan and he is using her to ruin MY life!" So relieved to be free of all of that!

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

The most difficult thing to radically accept is not that they will not change/grow. The most difficult thing to radically accept is that they never loved you, have no capacity to love, and they wore a mask all of the years they were with you. These are incredibly painful facts that most never successfully accept.

[@denisemoran9639]

A layer of complexity is added in adoption. My 2 adopted children turned out just like their birthparents. Adoptive parents want to believe that environment trumps genetics, but I've seen much of the reverse.

[@LisaReid-s3s]

@@Theysewfearyou have only experienced your own life. You have no idea what others really experience in private especially. Lack of experience must be why you seem to be unaware that every baby born is unique and some are gentle and sweet from birth and some are perpetually unhappy and complaining nothing a mother can do will make them happy. Temperament makes a big difference in each experience with each individual baby from the moment they are born. Time shows what that sweet little baby really is on the inside!

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

@@denisemoran9639 just one instead of two, but my story is the same as yours. Heartbreak and disappointment are not strong enough terms for what it puts someone through. ❤️

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

@@Theysewfear You either don’t understand what you’re talking about or one or both of your PARENTS were/are narcissists and you’re missing the point. That is an entirely different dynamic. You ask how a person can think that their child didn’t love them? Did you read correctly? because NOBODY WANTS to think that. But accepting that is the way THROUGH the grief. I don’t mean to be combative, truly, but with all respect, you don’t understand much about what you’re commenting on.

[@LisaReid-s3s]

@ I feel you misunderstood me I never said people magically become narcissists

[@Goldenroadie24]

I had to face the truth when i was hit by a car and ended up abandoned and emotionally tortured by my 50 something sons and their kids...at my most vulnerable and exhausted state. Now neither one of them or their adult children know where i am and they never will. I've chosen to spend their inheritance on travel until its gone and then be taken care of by strangers who will be better to me than they are capable of being.

[@caroles5258]

Good for you.

[@aneliadraganova3504]

❤

[@deborahlocke9412]

Planning the same 😊

[@janefairhead2449]

The kindness of strangers is something to be treasured. People outside of the family dynamic, who may even have something similar going on in their own family, can offer you care and humanity that is the inverse of what your own family do. Is this a symptom of our sick society? It helps to look beyond our own family dysfunction and find kindness and give kindness there.

[@Goldenroadie24]

@janefairhead2449 beautiful 💜

[@traceycrawford9938]

We raised this person/adult… so we naturally feel responsible for the person they’ve become 😢🇦🇺

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Yes, and if one parent is narcissistic, and the other is not, the normal parent will have to really work at understanding that the personality disorder is so strong and virulent, no matter what he/she tried to prevent it from taking over the child, nothing could be done.

[@ckvarnmass]

I feel that one of the hardest things to deal with in the narc is their failure to grow and achieve in life. Be it spouse or child, we saw their potential and they wasted it, being selfish, obnoxious, arrogant. They could have overcome, they could have made this a better world for all. Their self-indignance kept them stuck and there is no honor in that.

[@j.svensson7652]

My middle son went no contact with me over something that was unfortunate but certainly not worthy of being thrown away over. I tried to apologize to him but he is silent. It killed me for 2 yrs. The self blame was intense. I mourned and hated myself for that time. Now, I realize he's always been able to cut people off without blinking an eye. He's never been responsible for anything it is always someone else's fault. I'm at peace. He is who he is and I didn't do this to him. And he isn't going to become anyone else. God bless him and I hope he can live a happy life... I just see him winding up a bitter old man. Mom will always love him but I think I'm better off cut off. Hardest pain ever.

[@ArtistNorth]

So true …

[@bethharvey5170]

Abuse is abuse, no matter who is committing the abuse. It’s a nightmare that no one can understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves. That’s what makes this such a lonely experience, but we need to focus on our self-respect and know that we are not doing our children any favors if we allow them to abuse us forever.

[@monteblazilla7776]

Factz💯

[@pennywhite34]

I REALLY need more information on narcissistic adult children. There doesn’t seem to be much info about this. Most of the info is about narcissistic partners or parents but not narcissistic children. Please post more about this!

[@paulineklostermann5877]

There is an American woman ,she is expert about famely scapegoating and narcessistic famely dynamic . She did recerce for 10 years and wrote a book. You can find her online, she is Rebecca C Mandeville. I had realey help from her tools to go on ,and understand the situation with my narcessistic children.

[@lesleymcdonald6560]

This is exactly what I needed to hear after the holidays. I will be listening to it more than once. My oldest came home from university and in less than 2 mins started yelling at me, threw frames off the wall and didn’t stop yelling for 4 hours. What set her off was, I gave her brother her old room. I wanted to call the police and didn’t because I knew the relationship would be over for good. I told her: she was an adult, could leave, go to her dad’s, go anywhere, didn’t have to stay with me but she refused. Every hurtful thing she could think of she said. I didn’t cry because I realised a while ago how she was becoming. The rest of the 3 weeks, she communicated by email, still wanted gifts, wouldn’t clean up after herself, didn’t do anything with her brother and I, saw her dad and his family and wouldn’t see my mother. I am planning on emailing her to let her know she can’t stay in the summer after her dad and I have our next court date. Then I will email both of them about her things. I know she will probably go no contact. I can’t heal and neither can her brother when we hear the same words their dad said and are treated terribly. The guilt I feel about my kids having a narcissist as a father is big and it’s not ok for her to punish me forever for the mistakes I have made. At 19 years old, she knows it’s not ok and she controls it with other people. I can’t be her emotional punching bag every 4 months.

[@cairosilver2932]

I think the hard thing to accept is she already is no contact. Yelling, throwing frames off the wall - this isn't contact. If it was a stranger doing this you wouldn't think they are having a connection to you, you'd think it's assault or something similar. What did giving her brother her old room involve with her things that were there?

[@lesleymcdonald6560]

@ I agree that she is already no contact. I don’t even have her US phone #, we live in 🇨🇦 and she’s in school in the 🇺🇸 She emails when she wants something. She went into a rage because “I went through her things, no privacy, etc” I could have done that at any time & made it look exactly the same. I’ve listened to a few of Dr. Ramani’s videos recently about narcissistic children & I’ve been the naive single mom hoping for change. This was the 1st visit in her 1st year of university and it showed me I’m ready to enforce strong boundaries and say I’m done. I am/was exactly like Dr. Armani said: feel guilt for having a narcissistic ex, for the mistakes I’ve made, feel shame, gave into her hoping for things to be different, etc. No one I know has a kid like this and people say she’ll grow out of it, I don’t think she will with me. Sorry, for venting.😕

[@karenk2409]

Wow, my checkbook would be closed and she would not be allowed back in my home until - if ever - she could behave as a decent adult. That might mean she "rejects" you - her ultimate weapon. So be it. You are experiencing emotional blackmail, and this asshole might have been your adorable toddler at one time, but she is no longer, and it is HER CHOICE. Let her go.

[@lesleymcdonald6560]

@ That’s basically my plan coupled with a lot of therapy for me.

[@alexac5001]

But why did you give her room without letting her know before??? It is not à normal honest behaviour to do that without telling her....

[@katiec3768]

I believe it is an inherited set of traits. So many times, it runs in families. Parents should not blame themselves. Good video. 👍

[@karenshaw607]

but we do. who are we supposed to blame? just except this?? it's difficult.

[@katiec3768]

@karenshaw607 I know the pain

[@karenshaw607]

@@katiec3768 I'm so sorry.

[@PenninkJacob]

Thank you so much for addressing this extremely sensitive and difficult topic. 👍❤

[@Alaska_Engineer]

Thank you for the tips. Hindsight is 20/20 and we didn’t recognize that behavior was actually narcissistic, but the damage that child has done over the years has been immense.

[@kerrytaggart8206]

Thank you for FINALLY acknowledging that having a narcissist for a child is not the loving parent’s fault. Too many psychologists are convinced and preach that a parent created the upside down faulty neurological wiring from abuse. The abusive home theory is incorrect and causes further abuse towards a loving parent by the accusation alone. There are plenty of single loving parents that raise a narcissist and there are many loving neurotypical people who survived a home where both parents were narcissists. Narcissism is a result of genetics. It can skip generations as it did in the loving home my parents provided. The bible calls it a familial curse. Check out how that happens.

[@SallyNegus]

100%...I feel exactly the same. Both of my now adult children have cluster B..Bio Father left when I called him out on his alcoholism which was only a piece...He walked away. No seeing the children, emotional or financial support...he was mt first relationship and I was a virgin etc...He saw me as supply...I could give classes on this. The "disorders" come through my now long ago deceased father in law, and then his mother....I although overall love most of what Dr Ramani says, have been very dissappointed with past references she makes around what I perceived she believes....that these narcissists, borderlines, anti-social pd's etc...that a large factor was "how they were parented".... no t the case AT ALL in my case....you obviously get it and have experienced it....thank you for sharing....and I wholeheartedly agree....it's genetics 1 million percent...And the poor amazing people who have adopted multiple children as babies...wow..And then feel so so guilty...

[@summersojourner]

Skipping generations is virtually impossible. And if there is biblical familial curse, it’s not going to “skip” a generation.

[@kerrytaggart8206]

@ Personal testimony. Grandfather, aunts, uncles narcissists. My mother, who had the same mother and father as my aunts and uncles, was neurotypical and loving. My Dad was as well. My sister is a narcissist. My brother was gay. I am neurotypical. The curse must have a recessive gene. How would you explain that one?

[@kerrytaggart8206]

@@SallyNegus The parents of narcissistic/cluster B adult children need to develop our own support group to and to support. Anybody who has gone through it knows it. Being neurotypical and loving and having cluster B children is not for the faint of heart.

[@karenshaw607]

@ lets do it!!!

[@jeanie5074]

Praying for you, Dr. Ramani, for your safety, wellbeing, and protection during these awful times of wind, and fires in/around the LA area❤😮

[@CenterWomen4B]

I was thinking about her when I saw the news. I hope she can share how she's doing when she can.

[@lesabrydson2526]

❤🙏🙌🤲

[@redlikewineagain697]

I didn't know she was in L.A. Wow. I thought she was a New Yorker because I hear it in the way she speaks. Prayers that she's safe. ♥

[@Dallas3337]

Omg 😢

[@vernicesalee9728]

Praying for Dr Ramani.

[@ebonyqueen6155]

I needed to see this video!!!!! I have been so depressed over this very issue!!!!

[@k.popper2620]

Me too, some days are better than others.

[@ebonyqueen6155]

@@k.popper2620my daughter is 31 and has financially and psychologically abused me for YEARS!!! I have been on leave from work due to a mental breakdown….. I can’t get out of the bed most days… I’m not caring for myself as I should…. I have not slept in 2 full days…. I have to let go… it’s draining the life out of me 😢😢😢

[@loisrogers9042]

Me too 😢

[@jrs2024]

It IS depressing, a harsh reality! Same. If you can afford it, if health insurance helps, I suggest working with a therapist in person to guide you through your feelings & experiences. Talking with someone who’s not emotionally attached to me nor my narc adult child has been helpful for me to see through the mud & get out of it. Not an easy process but there is relief & light! You’re not alone. 💛

[@mindimcmains]

Same. My son is now 41, and he was my only child. His dad was an addictive, destructive narcissist, so I cut him out of our lives as soon as I realized that I was expecting. Bringing up my son alone was intense and difficult, but all worth while since he was growing up very happy, well-balanced, doing well in school, etc. Then his dad forced his way back into our lives when our son was 11, and he has been a terror since then (30 years!), and I bear the brunt of the anger. He came back home to live after his divorce from my daughter-in-law, and is now as abusive and insulting and entitled as his dad ever was--more so, if that's even possible. Now, after all these years of peace and serenity, he has upset my entire life, exploited my resources, trashed the house, and even hits me on occasion. I cannot tolerate any more and am planning on running away as soon as possible. He can figure it all out when I'm gone...

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Narcisistic people lack empathy, are entitled , exploitative, egotistical and bullying and no matter if they are your parent, sibling, spouse or an adult child they are dangerous to our health and we must radically accept that painful fact as truth 😢 thank you dr Ramani ❤

[@dianavelychko6703]

It is unfortunate how you don’t leave a space for their redemption. Narcissistic people seem to you as an absolute evil. I see so many videos on how bad narcissists are, but no videos on how they can recover. And let me tell you… they can recover in a loving environment by rebuilding trust. However, it can be achieved only with authentic people that are kind and strong at the same time. Finally, you can imagine that no one is that evil, but they were traumatized from a very young age leaving no hope in humanity

[@suef52]

@@dianavelychko6703 your last sentence is not completely correct. Research shows that narcissism can develop by parental overvaluation where a child is overly spoiled and excessively praised teaching them a sense of entitlement. Also, just by having a loving environment and rebuilding trust will not cure narcissism. They have built a false sense of self. It is shame based.

[@dianavelychko6703]

@@suef52I mentioned it in my passage. Authentic people that are both kind and strong, are the ones who can help narcissists heal. Why? Because they are strong to speak their mind and call them out in a kind way, or get a more cleaver way of delivering the message. Finally, maybe there should be a distinction between those who overpractised entitledness and those who had to become strong due to harsh environment.

[@naturelova7]

@@dianavelychko6703because they’re on the cluster B spectrum and won’t change.

[@naturelova7]

@@suef52new evidence is finally coming out and showing that it’s time to stop blaming the parents.

[@T.S.4287-i7r]

I found it a relief to figure this out. I was heartbroken when she left at 19 then returned brokenhearted from a failed relationship at 27 but she is almost impossible to be around everything is drama, gaslighting, lying and a "rules for thee and rules for me" sense of entitlement. Now I have come to peace with that is who she is and that when she is around there will always be drama and fighting because she brings it every single time. Somehow predicting that behavior before it happens has allowed me to view it as a more of an outsider so the disappointment is less

[@karenk2409]

You desperately need boundaries, dear heart.

[@lindasoroko9228]

I think they need Jesus

[@mariamurphy5391]

Sometimes they can become so toxic you have no choice but to walk away , for self preservation which all of my family including myself ,have done with my daughter , it's sad and I pray for her

[@tanjacullum3256]

Thank you Doctor . I haven’t heard from my daughter in a few weeks and I was going to send a text to see if she was ok . Every time I think of doing so I get sick to my stomach. I’m not going to text her, your video reminds me that there is nothing I can do to change her and by me reaching out to her will just open up days of grief and pain for me . Thank you ❤

[@mariehughey5390]

I know the feeling. I never call. A short text stating I love her. Then she will call and it’s always awkward at best. That’s it.

[@beverlyadams7205]

I finally walked away from my daughters for good.

[@tanjacullum3256]

@@beverlyadams7205 I went no contact for a month and she went to other family members to get to me . They all know now not to let me know if she contacts them. It’s so hard and I’m so grateful for the Dr. and all of us who support each other 😊

[@mariehughey5390]

@@beverlyadams7205 sometimes it’s what we need.

[@dianababb8641]

My daughter went no contact 9 years ago

[@chantylove2459]

Sometimes the narcissistic parent grooms the children to be narcissistic since they are little unbeknown to you. They brainwash them against you at an early age behind your back. Planting seeds and manipulating them against the other parent. It is extremely painful.

[@larrylorimer3065]

Yes my children as I look back can see what was taking place while I was at work. It's EVIL!

[@lindagauthier2556]

Yep..deadbeat dads are the worst.

[@karenshaw607]

happens all the time.

[@NarcSurvivor]

Having a narcissistic child can be very challenging. It may bring up feelings of guilt and cause you to blame yourself. It may make you want to fix everything for them, which causes you to become their enabler. But then if you avoid them, you may feel guilty or as though you’re not being a good parent. They will also blame you and make you feel bad for them. So it’s like whatever you do, you can’t win with them.

[@conniet.7271]

And then we are to go no contact with a narc In every other video if it was a partner? Is it the same here?

[@Taysbookbabel]

Very challenging

[@seameology]

I did for four years. She got humbled. Not sure if that's going to last. Luckily, she's a thousand miles away and we have limited contact. For now. I may go back to no contact.

[@Taysbookbabel]

@@seameology sometimes that's the best decision, but that doesn't make it easy!

[@GMJBlood]

Wow! It's as tho you were living invisible in my house when my son was growing up. I'm reading these for the first time ever, and feel like my eyes are open for the 1st time in my adult life. I am in shock. Thanks for sharing this.

[@jeanhickman6678]

Dr. Ramani is so right on. My 53 year old narcissistic son went no contact with me 5 years ago when I (irresponsibly) discussed his narcissism with his wife as we were looking for reasons to justify his behavior. I wasn’t aware at the time she was recording me and let him listen to everything. That was the last time I saw either of them. I had been new to this personality disorder and wasn’t aware at the time, the ramifications of confronting or sharing this with the wrong people. As time has gone by and I have learned more about narcissism, it is become clearly apparent that I was right. This is worse than the death of a child, because no contact means they chose to leave you. I have blamed myself the whole time for his narcissism, and radical acceptance feels like abandonment. I have two other children who have been affected by his narcissism as well but thankfully love me deeply! This is definitely opportunity to take hold of the serenity prayer.

[@Cynthia-t9s8d]

They are on Instagram and telegram

[@kc7280]

I am one of those siblings. My Mom cried for a year when I finally put my foot down & went vlc with my sibling, which, in effect ended large family gatherings. It took me until age 50 to realize, understand and act to relieve that pressure in my life. It took Mom a year to accept that I had a right to peace away from the drama, to enjoy a visit with my parents where they actually pay attention to me and my children, who were teens by then & felt less important than their cousins. A year, but at least she came around. Now my parents are old enough to be in need of help & my very low contact has resulted in sibling & I being able to work together & coordinate how to help them. I consider that the ultimate win, but will always act carefully so I can maintain this until both parents die.

[@deepost2604]

Radical acceptance needed to be extended to MYSELF. This meant honoring my PTSD and withdrawing from contact to protect myself from my 42 year old son. He was an adult. There was nothing I could do for him. Now after many years of estrangement, I gather from the internet that he’s making constructive changes in his life after some hard knocks. We each have the RIGHT to our own lives. There were 2 people drowning. I saved one of them, ME. He needed to save himself. Tough love is tough.

[@ArtistNorth]

@deepost2604 thank you yes finally saving myself- so well said

[@wanderingal]

43 years of grief & guilt and thousands of dollars wasted...I'm just now seeing the light. Thank you & please give us more information, hope & support.

[@ArtistNorth]

Me too

[@MissNikkiboo2012]

Thank you for this video. My daughter is a narcissist and stopped having any kind of relationship with me. I haven’t talked to her over a year. It hurts me, especially around holidays when families are together. This video helps me to remember it’s not my fault. It’s not that I’m a bad mother as she says. 😢

[@lorireed8046]

Mine walked away and forbade me any type of relationship with the grandchild.

[@MissNikkiboo2012]

@ that’s probably even worse, and I can understand your pain.

[@CGajetzki-j7z]

My daughter used the grandchildren she dumped us and now we are banned from seeing the grandkids. All because we stood up to her and weren’t being used to buy whatever she wanted. We explained we aren’t rich and she and her husband work and they can’t make us broke for them wanting to keep up with the Jones.so then they use the grandkids as pawns. Not allowed to see them. Our daughter tried to have our other family side with her saying u can see the kids but my mom and dad can’t. My family banded together and said to her we aren’t being divided. We are her parents that babysat constantly for her. I was there for their children births and one even has my birthday as she chose that. I’ve learned it isn’t me. I had to stop giving and giving. And the minute we stood up we got discaderded. The one aunt sits on a fence line and says I’m not getting involved. I have out boundaries with her as I don’t trust her and shame on her ego and her not standing up for what is right and wrong on having grandkids have family in their life. Just awful the way our narc daughter treats us. And uses her little kids as the pawns. So so sad

[@MissNikkiboo2012]

@ I agree! It seems that our narcissistic daughters will use any means to hurt us.

[@fionahope9172]

I was meant to see this post. Thank you. Makes saving myself ,my financial freedom and my sanity just a little easier to live with.

[@annemarie9980]

Thanks Dr Romany for speaking to this topic. It is the hidden shame of a failed Parent....who feels they cannot give up on their beautiful child. But now an adult and there is no turning back to the inocent they once were....to much has happend. God give us strength❤️‍🔥🙌

[@karenshaw607]

no, I didn't fail at anything she failed at being a loyal daughter.

[@kimmer5370]

This was a great, but very difficult video to listen to. My heart grieves for parents who have difficult or alienated relationships with their children. It’s difficult to imagine enduring that loss

[@KarenEade]

Thank you so much. I have wrestled with this alone for many years. My daughter cut off contact when I stood up to her financial demands. I know about ‘radical acceptance’ and have worked with it to the best of my ability because I do not want to suffer as I have suffered for my whole entire life. It has been a survival thing. But even so, even so… I can’t get her out of my head and I look her up on the internet to see what she’s doing and who she’s pretending to be now. Her latest reinvention is as a trauma psychologist and I cannot tell you how much it hurt to discover this. So why do I keep looking? Help…

[@shannonwheeler4228]

Thank you so much for covering this topic! I'm constantly seeing the younger generations posting things about how they were abused or had bad childhoods, the dad or mom left, divorce, etc. It's always the parents' fault and never their own. My kids' dad is a narcissist to the FULLEST extent, and I never wanted to point that out to the kids, nor would I ever suggest that they were! Until I noticed 'narcissistic tendencies' - and THAT was the trigger. My daughter and I argued and fought every few months. Many times, I was half or more at fault because of my own mental problems without mental help. But after marking the patterns, I noticed that, no matter what I did, SOMETHING would happen to cause her to lash out at me or be upset with me...OR, sometimes, it would even seem she would trigger a response from me and knew what buttons ty push. Sometimes, I had no clue how I could make her SOOOO upset. Nobody would ever stand up to her. Not her boyfriend or friends, of course, they all meant so much more to her than family. I called them 'yes men', because nobody would ever say no to her. Finally, April 2024 was our last phone call and the last time I saw her. I believe (after putting puzzle pieces together of looking at years of patterns) that she just maybe loved me bc I was her mom and thought she was obligated to... but had to find a way to get me/ our family out of her life for good. The one time I stood up to her ultimatum, that was it - on top of her not liking the comment that she may be narcissistic like her dad. I have torn myself up trying to figure out what I've done to make her hate me so much, how to fix this, how to contact her, and make amends. Like the doctor said, though, it would only take one hug or smile to make it all okay. The Mother's Days and birthdays she purposefully chose to forget or chose others over me - I think they were all intentional now. Maybe not premeditated, but hoping that would be my 'last-straw' yet, I would ALWAYS forgive her. I wasn't validating her feelings for years because I didn't understand what she meant. Finally, I understood, and I did, and I apologized... only for her to bring it back up a few years later (last year) to remind me again. Then she told me I didn't do what she needed me to do. Thank you for reading all this. It helps to know I'm not alone. What finally helped me is realizing I was obsessing over spending time with someone who didn't really care about me when I could've been putting all that energy into myself or my adult boys. I'm completely traumatized over this. She knows I have abandonment problems... this obviously made it worse. I think about my little girl all the time. What's worse is empty near is approaching and nostalgia hits hard all the time missing my kids being little...I was completely hands-on.I've lost all my videos and the majority of the photos I've taken of my kids when I lost my storage unit.

[@lauriw4895]

Thanks for this video. You really nailed it again! My narc 39 year old daughter has been the cause of so much pain in my life. I spent decades trying to fix it. I couldn't figure out why she was so critical, entitled, mean, petty and bullying. I was sure I could fix it. Of course I was wrong. I have been on the journey to radical acceptance for years. Two steps forward one step back. It is a journey, not a straight line. I am better, but I will forever have sadness and grief over the pain of this relationship.

[@lorireed8046]

SAME!!! I tried over and over . Then she "disowned" me 2 years ago. The peace in my life is just so nice! My youngest wants me to contact her and try to heal. Hmm no thank you! I'm okay .

[@beenapunjabi3823]

Thank you for addressing this issue Dr.Ramani. Now I know that I'm not alone !

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder has a very large genetic component. Be careful blaming yourself. The lie that it’s caused by trauma or poor parenting is propped up by victim culture we live in, and of course by the narcissist themselves. There is documented proof that it is often inherited, but modern psychology typically insists everything is a “childhood development” problem.

[@Soothsayer937]

It is heritable. Then there is reinforcement from outside influences that exacerbate behaviors.

[@ArtistNorth]

Agree

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

@@Soothsayer937 100%. Well said.

[@RaisingMyWildflowers]

I agree it has to be genetic. My father is horrible - honestly I think he's much more than even a malignant narcissist. He's so cold and calculated that he's never had to pay consequences. His parents (my grandparents) lived with us while I grew up and they were wonderful human beings. I have their old journals from their youth and they were just so sweet, happy and innocent. He played the role of the victimized child being forced to drive a tractor as a 3 year old and having to go to public school while they paid for a private education for his siblings. In his childhood photo albums he's riding a tractor on his dad's lap and in his old report cards it looks like he was kicked out of the private school. Makes me wonder if many of the sad childhood stories coming from narcissists and sociopaths are nothing more than playing victim. Most of my childhood friends did have horrible upbringings and none of us grew up intentionally hurting people.

[@jeanenekellett1021]

Thank you sooo much for talking about this! I’ve replayed 3 times. “Suspended hope” … that has been me. My grief has been devastating and deep with 2 of my children. It’s a hard journey to get to radical acceptance. 😔

[@rorrim5627]

❤ thank you for addressing this much needed topic.

[@gerrimilner9448]

accepting my daughter will not change, has helped so much, though i still have a hope she will still become a decent human, but i want nothing to do with her even then

[@sallyfowler8411]

You are so right. The grief, the guilt. 😢

[@TreasureDeal]

Thank you for this. I didn't know about narcissists until 2 years ago. I've been accused of making my daughter a narcissist when, in fact, it was my mother who groomed her from the time she was about 12 onward. My daughter has made me responsible for things that happened to her or what she thinks happened to her when I had no clue about it. We've been around these issues many times, and still everything is my fault. She's 54, I'm 74. I've had to go no contact. I mourn the daughter I wanted, should have had, and have come to accept that will never be. I'm working on healing my heart, it's so hard.

[@rietharikini3238]

9 years ago I got divorced after a marriage of 35 years, to a narcissistic man. And 4 years ago I stopped contact with my adult son. I just couldn't handle it anymore. 2 narcissists in my life, it really is too much. My son now has 2 children. And every day my heart bleeds when I think of them.

[@sybilizzard4926]

That is the thing that so hard, not being able to see other family members. I know.

[@yuu_miran]

Praying for them is the only thing that can help them and you.

[@wellinever1558]

I have the same but live with my single son. It's tough going through it twice and I cannot " divorce " my son. I cannot find a solution as I support him and don't have money yo set him up in a place. Father is dead.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

My heart bleeds as your's do for my daughter & G-son. My G-daughter & I have a good relationship, but my G-son is a lot like his dad!!!

[@susansanders4144]

I can totally relate. I divorced from a narcissistic man many years ago after having 2 children with him. My son ended up going to live with his father when he was a teen because he was such a problem. I couldn't deal with his manipulation etc. I didn't see him for 5 years and then he decided to reach out but it wasn't long and he was up to his old ways again. I found out he was being abusive to his girlfriend and he got mad because I talked to his girlfriend, when she reached out to me about what he was doing to her (which was exactly the same things he used to do to me). Now we haven't spoken again in about 5 years. To top it off my parents just enabled him and so I stopped talking to them too. I had to for my own sanity. Never did I ever think that this would be my life. It never stops hurting.

[@TheStoicSage365]

Thank you for sharing such a raw and honest perspective on this challenging topic. Many people might feel isolated in their experience, but this video surely helps them realize they are not alone. I hope you continue to create such valuable content!

[@Stardusted1]

Perfectly stated. YES!!!

[@kangofudesu]

Yes. This is my case. I went through all these situations. Thank you for validating my feelings and that’s we mothers have to bear it.

[@barbarast.dennis7073]

Mine is an adult granddaughter. She was abusive to my daughter and I don’t really have much of a relationship with her because I see her for what she is. She has most of the rest of my family bamboozled and I just keep my distance and keep my opinion to myself. It’s hard to explain my distance when nobody wants to hear the truth. Thanks for your insights. She’s not going to change.

[@lesliechew7293]

Wow, you described my entire relationship with my adult child. I have very conflicting emotions.

[@k.popper2620]

It's absolutely brutal

[@lesliewheeler4785]

My son is a cop & a malignant narc..a liar!! His charm & good-looks fool many & most .. his 3 sons are kept for just his in law family not for his dad or myself. 😢 Grief is ongoing. Radical acceptance helps me ❤ Ty, Dear Dr. R.. 😘 HOPE YOU'RE SAFE TOO.

[@SunnyDays70s]

@@lesliewheeler4785So, his wife gets along with him and feels he’s safe with her family?

[@lesliewheeler4785]

@SunnyDays70s we have no idea what she gets along with or whether safety for anyone, is a concern or naught. Radical acceptance 😌 ✨️

[@katella]

My 52 yr old daughter died a couple of months ago. I had to go no contact in the last year after decades of horror and manipulation. Now I am back to ruminating and speculating, "if only". Then I have to remind myself that while she was alive it was my worst fear of ending up in her care. An alcoholic and drug addict knows no bounds when it comes to abuse. Her children and I are devastated by her death but also relieved that there is an end to the abuse. Nevertheless, there are always the doubts and hopes. That she died thinking that I didn't love her is difficult to live with.

[@maddielopez8625]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Im also sorry for her loss of a relationship with you. I hope you and her kids heal tenfold.

[@barhawley123]

Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr .Ramani..It really IS a uniquely difficult situation..

[@LoriAmbrose-t4x]

Thank you for this. So many mental health professionals validating the Narcissistic adult child's behavior and calling the parent toxic. This is a different and lonely road and it just doesn't ever seem to get easier.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

💯 when I finally held my ground the narcissistic family members attacked me more, then went no contact when they realized I was no longer a soft target as I finally stood up for myself and kept my boundaries! Focusing on truths and taking myself back! Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@ArtistNorth]

Same. Here

[@Judyjlefebvre]

My 2 adult sons are wildly mean spirited, and yes, VERY NARCISISSITIC. I did my best to raise them with compassion and great empathy.. they definitely were not paying attention and followed their very toxic abusive father whom I divorced in efforts of protecting my sons from him. The hardest part was trying to find a decent man(father & husband) to guide them in the right direction. Unbeknownst that I attracted narcisissits as my father was...radical acceptance they are who they are. I miss them but am safest away from them as adults. Theyre just as verbally abusive as their dad was. What their dad did to them was not my responsibility. Thats on him and they need to realize that. I loved them and all this broke my heart deeply. 💔

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I am so sorry you experienced this. I experienced this with my nephews that I helped raised who have narcissistic parents, similar to my parents in ways. I have had to come to radical acceptance, grieve, and distance myself from all of them to protect my health. It is very difficult to do. Thank you for sharing. ❤

[@rinskeraphael8755]

It makes you lonely, devorced and than taking distance from the children. There is no creative bond with them, and if grandchildren were there your not a part of there live. You get lonely , ad least i am. finding a reason to live without them for your self. You had a creative live with husband and children and endsup alone with empty hands and all your creativity that you put in the children is lost , has no fruits. And than you have to find a new reason to live for, when you lost everything you put so much love in. Its like grieving and fill the emptyness again with somthing worthy. Much love from a single lonely mom in The Netherlands. Your not alone in your loss and pain.

[@redlikewineagain697]

I'm so very sorry to read this.

[@roaringmouse132]

So sorry.

[@roaringmouse132]

Yes, exactly. Blessings to you & may your soul still shine with beauty.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. I now have a whole new respect for the special challenges of parents with narcissistic children. And of course it goes without saying, we should never shame these parents.

[@karenshaw607]

please don't I already live with societies shame.

[@stevekirgan3432]

I am a therapist of thirty years now, and I am so grateful for you. You teach the plain truth, when I started private practice the societal pressure to help the narcissist overshadowed their abuse. In other words if the victim was a good person their experience was minimized by the goal of saving the narcissist. Way back then I empowered people as you are doing today. I was often criticized by people who did not see first hand all the pain I saw that the narcissist recklessly created. Again I listen to you often, and refer many clients to your podcast and book. I love your style, I love your insights that help me learn and see things in different nuances from my own. My only child is an adult narcissist, in fifteen minutes you explained why my heart hurts and can't seem to give up hope for his growth. Why I blame myself instead of his diagnosed narcissist/sciopath father. Who directly worked to destroy every good parenting Foundation I tried to create. All the while exploiting my own human weaknesses and vulnerabilities. A long story. This is another powerful resource to pass on to others, confident it will help them as much as you have helped me.

[@stevekirgan3432]

I am typing this on my husband's iPad, my name is Laurie.

[@ArtistNorth]

Thank you for sharing…yes thank god…old therapy often didn’t help the victims of the narc abuse..dr ramani put together the pieces finally- yes had an ex who was a diagnosed narc/sociopath- he destroyed my son- can’t fix it heartbreaking but finally not blaming myself..its really hard for mothers in this situation it goes against all maternal instinct yet when finally see it for what it is no denial but lots of pain

[@drchristineobrien9704]

Same.

[@christineplaton3048]

Im totally struggling with your " radical acceptance ". My children never knew the real me. People who walk on eggshells are not themselves. The entire family is shattered. Theres alot of sibling rivalry. Narcissistic father, and siblings. Twelve children and practiced Catholicism. The practice of religion exacerbated our problems as a family. Your description of unconditional love, no matter how they suffer us, is very real. Yet in our older age we have a right and need to self protect. I'm sure you would agree that there is hope for finding true happiness at any age. But not when there are similar degrees of forms of abuse. Its a very fallen world. Thank you so much for your teachings.

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

My dear, they would have never knew you even if you weren’t walking on eggshells. Here is what you need to radically accept: NPD people have no interest or capacity to know ANYBODY. Parents included. It’s horribly sad, but you will grow a great deal when you get to the acceptance that your entire relationship with the NPD was one-sided. YOU were the only one that loved. Celebrate yourself for your enormous capability to do that - even when it was not reciprocated.

[@MT-ij4kd]

Omg!!! Thank you so much for this video! I really needed to hear that - my adult narcissistic daughter has done everything you said. I finally had enough

[@alltheliliesbloomed]

Which is? Dr Ramani provided zero real-life examples in this particular video

[@MichelleJones-t2p]

"Radical acceptance" is where I am at, but struggling. I even tried to convince myself that maybe he is autistic and overwhelmed. I am always making excuses. I accept It but it is like a death and it is sad. On my 3rd year of little contact with my 27yr old son.

[@jrs2024]

Same here with my adult daughter. 💛 Wish new parents got schooled on the list of personality disorders, before the child turns 7, & the communication skills to effectively redirect the misbehavior, or at the least, give parents free therapy to deal with this! 😢

[@justme9818]

I wrote my son a letter for a finish, and called him out. It wasn't an angry letter as much as a letter written in a moment of genuine clarity. Things had gotten so bad, there was no way left to deny how extreme his selfishness was. I kept a copy of the letter, I knew I'd need it. When I'm having very bad days i read it again. It helps to clear my head. To cut through the guilt or denial or false hopes that still crop up. And it keeps me from contacting him when I shouldn't. It gives me strength.

[@ArtistNorth]

Thank you so much…I have struggled so much with this deep grief - for all the reasons you have so perfectly outlined…trying to radically accept feels more like giving up and goes against my maternal instinct…but unfortunately even though I have tried and given there is no denying the reality of his personality disorder- thank you for bringing light to this- it really helps as it is excruciatingly painful.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

‘Radical acceptance is an internal change in you’…I love it. ❤ Letting that sink in... you ❤

[@jrs2024]

A radical acceptance change in me…Something I CAN control, versus my narc adult daughter’s choices. Next, how to explain this no-contact phenomenon to family & friends who might think we the parents are responsible for the narcissism?

[@Sands-nd1cu]

Thank you for bringing up this heartbreaking relationship dynamic ❤ especially when grandchildren are used as a pawn. Better to accept it now, no matter how hard it is.

[@paulineklostermann5877]

@@Sands-nd1cu my narcessistic son and his narcessistic wife abused my grandchilderen every time i was visiting them just to hurt me and making me scared. Poor children always treatet so bad . I could not sleep anymore. My heart broken. So evil. I pray for my grandchilderen.

[@Sands-nd1cu]

@@paulineklostermann5877 so sorry

[@LORELLism]

As a mom, it is hard to watch! My heart aches for my son, with no closure or positive outcomes. He struggles. He suffers! I will always love him. Double-bind.

[@naturelova7]

Same. For my daughter. 😢

[@aprilcampbell9747]

Just wow. Thank you so much for talking about this subject. And thanks to all the people commenting. While it doesn’t fix the grief and the constant making myself not think about my kid, it’s a little reassuring to know that I am not the only one who has a kid who acts like a narcissist, and is actively using at the same time. Thanks. ❤

[@ArtistNorth]

Yes that’s the hard part-rumination -have to stop myself..not sure if mine is using too but maybe

[@paulineklostermann5877]

I had to go no contact with my narcessistic adult children 6 months ago. I could not take the abuse anymore, i was their scapegoat, not their narcessistic drunk father. They became worse at time. My health destroied. It is the most painful expierience in my life to be target of my own children. I miss my grandchilderen a lot, but I had no choice anymore other than to go no contact. It hurts every day. I gave all my love to the famely, but narcessistic abuse is not possible. 😢

[@susanjones8489]

I had to ban them from my life due to the sadistic ongoing abuse. D would stop over to go off at me over her personal issues, such as mad at her BF, then false accusations reduce me to tears. Enough ! Banned and blocked.

[@kedeglow2743]

Yes. I'm feeling all of these things. We wanted her so much,...went through so much just to have her, and lovely her so fiercely---maybe too much? I never dreamed a child could cause her parents SO. MUCH. PAIN.

[@IndigenousBarbarian]

Dear Dr Ramani, Thank you for doing what you do. Recently, I’ve lost the relationship with both of my sons. The oldest being the narcissist, seemed to have etched some ideas and thoughts into my youngest. Moving forward, About 2 years ago I embarked on a healing journey. I was raised by a alcoholic narcissist (that’s a whole new post) and picked up some traits. So it was time to unlearn them and HEAL! Before the New Year, I was in a very dark place because I endlessly tried to understand what and why this happened. I was not a perfect single mom, but my children were my life! I replayed everything from their childhood to the day of disconnect. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it and life was no longer worth living for. I was DONE. Emotionally exhausted, mentally drained and my soul was ready to check out. Even though I am educated on behavioral health (somewhat) and have been in the medical field for over 25 years I just could bear not having my children in my life. I mourned them. I grieved for months. I was tired of being sad and depressed. So I started to have SI’s. I came across one of your posts during an insomnia episode and my life changed for the good. I listen to you everyday. Whether the post is from years ago or days. I replay them as reminders that I am A) not alone B) Am human and not perfect and C) I created some of this mess by being an unconditional loving, supportive, financially supportive ect ect mom. But when I set boundaries and said the word “No”… that is when my life changed. So THANK YOU 🙏🏼 for doing what you do. Just know… you saved me and I didn’t even have to pay a copay or walk into a clinic. I will however purchase your book so I can travel with it and have you with me all the time 😊. All my best, Elisa 🤍✨🪶

[@yaelisme]

Postscript: if you have a narcissistic child, you must protect your other children from them. Jealousy can be extremely dangerous if not deadly.

[@Omegamega1313]

My mother put my narcissistic sister in charge to mind us younger ones. She hated us. She pinched, hit, and was just generally cruel. If she got mad and cried, my mother would hit me for upsetting her. At age 21 she still thought she could hit me if she felt like it. I was 18 and in that moment I just snapped, filled with a rage to pound the heck out of her. She never hit me again, but I grew up to be very, very angry. We don't speak. Good riddance.

[@HeatherRistow]

This is something that my parents completely failed to do. They encouraged sibling rivalry and the "killer instinct." There was no love to be had.

[@yaelisme]

@ same here. My father enabled my crazy mother. Although calling her crazy is giving her an out and she knew exactly what she was doing. She destroyed my oldest child and when my father died, all the masks came off my siblings and they poisoned me at his funeral. I was touching go for two full years from the damage that Poison did to my lungs.

[@hapennysparrow]

Thank you for addressing this topic. I was married to a sociopathic narcissist who was a sexual predator. There were our children who went through the trauma of an ugly divorce, custody battle, and the narcissist husband constantly belittling of me to them while I tried to keep them out of the adult blame game. My oldest child, an adopted son, was oppositional defiant, ADHD, a difficult child to raise. But I loved him, worked tirelessly with him, learned all I could about ADHD, behavior modification, praise, rewards for compliance, and time outs for non compliance. The father, of course, only wanted the children to like him and refused any correction to anti social behaviors, leaving all of the heavy lifting to me, the responsible parent. This oldest child learned quickly how to manipulate the situation. I divorced the dad when he was seven. His behavior turned up to 11. I realized quickly he was afraid that maybe I would divorce him because of bad behavior. I held him and told him that parents don't divorce their children, no matter what they do. That seemed to calm him somewhat. He remained oppositional, got into shoplifting, lying, stealing money from me, his sister, his aunt, his father,etc. Trying to instill values and respect for the rights of others into him was a constant effort. The teen years were impossible. People said to me repeatedly,"Why do you put up with this? Send him yo his father " But I made a promise to that frightened 7 year old that parents don't divorce their child and I could not break my promise to him. He got into drugs, drinking, shoplifting, ditching school, and only graduated because the High School Principal felt sorry for me.( We had many consultations.) My other children were motivated students who presented no problems but gained academic and citizen recognition. O maintained a close relationship with my oldest, was accepting of him as a person, though his life choices troubled me greatly. He settled down after marriage to another narcissist, who then, after the initial love bombing, turned against me, and he followed suit. I was a threat to her dominance and control, because of the loving relationship I maintained with him, so that relationship with him was severed. That was 11 years ago. He meanwhile, with his wife, have love bombed my own siblings, painting a picture of me that is untrue. They worked on his siblings as well, but they didn't buy it. Our family is divided because of this. I have not tried to defend myself because that is a no-win game to play. The biggest vexation is the temptation to blame myself for failing as a parent. What should I have done differently? Sometimes the thoughts that I failed my son tormented me. I've come to the conclusion that I did my very best to raise a difficult child to be a decent human being. He chose another way and I am no longer responsible. He is a man with a family of his own and I'm done trying to make any sense of it. I have no contact with their children, not my idea, but his wife's. " Have a nice life " is all I can think. This has been painful, and disappointing, and traitorous. There is nothing I can do but live my own life , have fun with my other grown children and enjoy their children. Life is too short to waste any more time agonizing over this rupture in the family. My son knows where I live. The ball is in his court.

[@pstewart6537]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm amazed at your ability to make the best of such a sad and tragic situation. Take care.

[@ajjudge7983]

My thoughts are with you. My brother is adult oppositional defiant. Just spent 18 days in the same home as him over the holidays. Sounds like you’ve gone through an awful lot, and navigated it with skill, sensitivity. And enormous strength. Wishing you every happiness and peace.

[@qiminyang9331]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you are doing well and at peace and not hurt by all these relationships.

[@drchristineobrien9704]

Wowzeers. Ball is NOT on his court. even though I think he’s the cooperative victim here with his wife. you don’t have to allow him back. Those two have done great damage by going to your siblings. My son in law started it but many in my family jumped in at the opportunity. It divided my family as well. 💔

[@brendatanner1259]

I spent years trying to figure out what I did wrong, why her perception of our lives was so totally different than the reality. I knew I had always loved her but she almost had me convinced that I had done every single thing wrong and that it was all my fault. The wake up moment was at once both a relief and a new sadness. 😢

[@jacquicc927]

I was raised by narc's, actually no. I raised myself, married to one and I have 2 narcissist children, my God where does it all end😢

[@kevinhornbuckle]

This is the most valuable information available on this topic. I have researched this question extensively, and 98 percent of the info sources fall far short of even a useful conceptualization. I believe that the reason for this is that mental health professionals cannot resist the opportunity to blame the victim of narcissistic abuse. They make more money sooner by reinforcing the abuse than they do by accurately diagnosing it.

[@joyejohnsonauthor]

My parents and I have practiced radical acceptance in regard to my brother. People always want to blame the parents for a kid who turns out narcissistic, but i know from personal experience that some narcs are self-made. My grandmother would probably have been diagnosed NPD, and my mother went no contact for decades. But some narcs think they're the Golden Child and are aghast to be treated like a regular human being. They make friends with wealthy kids or kids with permissive parents and feel outraged that they have to follow rules at home that their friends don't have to. This world is saturated in selfishness, and we all have to fight our inner selfish tendencies. A lot of people need to accept that a person can receive love, attention and a good example and decide they're not being worshipped enough. Some comments here claim the parents are the narcs, but I'm pretty sure those people feel called out by this video and are resorting to deflection. Other videos talk about narc parents, but this one is about narc adult children. People have free will and many choose to give in to their selfishness regardless of how they were raised.

[@autiejedi5857]

Being raised by abusive narc and having an abusive narc partner didn't prepare me for the grief and pain of having an adult child like this. Their abuse feels so much worse, and the agony of having to go low/no contact is a pain like no other.

[@Stardusted1]

Finally somebody else with this problem! It’s hell on earth. Thanks for admitting this because you have helped us all. You feel so alone and NOT ONE PERSON understands. After all, how can anyone get this? ❤

[@autiejedi5857]

@Stardusted1 😪💜

[@GMJBlood]

Good lord, I thought it was just me. I hear you, I feel for you - for the few others on this thread. We're brave souls! The pain? The loneliness from NC? I'm disabled, for 25 yrs now. Have spent the last 7 Holidays alone. (Old friends/relatives mostly gone now, and it's really hard to get out & meet people.) That's not his problem or responsibility; I just miss him terribly. We were SO close, truly; we were looking at houses together. Suddenly NC. I understand parts of this as my mother, 95, is M-NPD. Good grief, it's a miracle I'm not a raging alcoholic and/or dead! It's beyond brutal to realize I may well be the source of his pain. And how to remedy with no communication. Our last comm was over his gf, how bad she was toward him and could I help? Of course, whatever you need. Crickets. I'm not allowed to see my granddaughter, whom gf conceived during active heroin addiction to present day. I sit & think & think, and cry - a lot. Have a heart condition now, so the thought of a shorter future does not trouble me now. I just wish we could talk and exchange like we used to.

[@ingridmarrero8470]

Going through it as well 😢with my Only Child This type of pain is Unbearable 💔God, Therapy, the Let Them Theory, Dr. Ramani and Mediication have been my ways to Deal and Cope with it. Don't Give Up Blessings 🙏 ✨️ 🙌

[@autiejedi5857]

@ingridmarrero8470 💜💜

[@2023Red]

Yep. Me too. Age 76 with 43 year old narc. I disengaged two years ago. Not good but less painful.

[@olderandwiser333]

Thank you Dr Ramani. There really isn't enough attention paid to the depth of grief involved in having a narcissistic adult child. As you said "Every narcissistic person out there is someone's child." But we are so often left thinking we are to blame because the societal expectationis that whatever is wrong with the child is the parent's fault.

[@paulatk44]

A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 6 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t , I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@JohnWicked-fx3cs]

Parting ways with someone you deeply cherish is an agonizing experience. I understand firsthand, having encountered a parallel situation at the end of my 7 year relationship. Driven by an unyielding determination, I explored every avenue to salvage our bond. Seeking guidance from a spiritual counselor proved pivotal, as their intervention played a crucial role in rekindling our love.

[@paulatk44]

That's fascinating! How did you come across a spiritual counselor, and what's the best way for me to contact her?

[@JohnWicked-fx3cs]

The spiritual counselor is Suzanne Ann Walters.

[@paulatk44]

I'm grateful for this valuable information; I've just taken a moment to find her online.

[@reneevanmilt4210]

This one hit me, hard..... thank you for these words of understanding

[@leahg3926]

Yep. Thank you for this. I've been despondent since the holidays...starting with Tday, peaking with Christmas. I've puzzled about the despair. Nothing changed. But I was included in the festivities - which doesnt always happen...and I got to stare it all in the face. Thanks for validating. Theres a reason I felt so bad. ❤

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

I avoided the holidays . Just don’t want to deal with narcissism on the phone constantly texting!

[@susanjones8489]

Dr. Ramani is right on target with this message. Every single rotten stinking act of cruelty imaginable has been done to me by my narc daughters..yesss I have 2. Both identical to their narc father. For my own health, I had to cut ties, otherwise they would have destroyed me. I changed my legal directives and emergency contact info to exclude them bc they don’t care.

[@RoadRunner-v2o]

They are identical to their narcissistic father because it is passed down through genes. I’m sorry to hear your story but you should know that there is nothing you could have done differently. I’m a step father of a girl who is just like her biological father as well. I’ve researched so many resources and have arrived at the conclusion that there’s nothing that could have been done. Extreme grief will take its course, then you will emerge with understanding. The only thing that helps is prayer. Give them over to God. ❤

[@susanjones8489]

@@RoadRunner-v2oyou’re exactly right. Let this be a warning to both men and women: watch carefully who you have children with. Look into the parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, and their individual stories for the signs and how they interact.

[@loris4814]

ADHD , ODD, CD ,years of therapy as a single parent . I lost so much and my emotional well being over her . This is heartbreaking . I hope I can get to that point .😢

[@alltheliliesbloomed]

ADHD is not a personality style nor a personality disorder (and is highly treatable). My heart aches for your child. No one forced you to become a parent. It's a responisbility you willingly took and now are trying to escape from

[@loris4814]

@ My daughter is a grown adult . ODD and conduct disorder are hard to treat and can turn into anti-social personality disorder . I am and was a good mom . She had a lot of love and attention . Don’t go blaming the parent for mental disorders u don’t know about . Her dad had similar traits which model Narcissist traits .

[@alltheliliesbloomed]

@loris4814 ODD is not even in the DSM, it's just yet another stigmatizing label for "difficult" children with ADHD (which is also emotional dysregulation, not just attention deficit but both can be managed by meds and therapy). And it does not "turn" into antisocial personality disorder (a clinical term for psychopathy - psychopaths are born). All that therapy didn't make you any less ignorant about the diagnosis of your own daughter it seems..

[@alltheliliesbloomed]

@loris4814 Yes, complaining to strangers on the internet about 'losing your emptional well-being' over a developmental disorder of your daughter she was born with and is none of her fault under a video about maladaptive personality styles seems enough to prove how great you are as a mother to me 👍

[@alltheliliesbloomed]

@loris4814 Considering the fact that almost half of the video was about the guilt that parents of narcissistic children often have. You must be an exception considering your throwing a pity-party for yourself followed by "I am a good mother". I'm happy that you don't feel any guilt and only feel sorry for yourself. Maybe all the 'years of therapy' paid off after all

[@carlsenlifeafter60carlsen11]

Thank you for doing this video. I grew up in a very narcissistic family . I am the last child. My mother had me late in life and my other siblings resented me my whole life. I never really realized that because I’m a happy-go-lucky type ,as I became an adult, it became clear. I started studying narcissism about five or 10 years ago. I had help from people like you and books. I went no contact with my son. His father is narcissist. I felt tremendous guilt and until I realized what narcissism was all about. Educating yourself is the best thing you can do. My son and only child is also an alcoholic drug addict. He’s 43 years old. My life now at 69 is so peaceful I’ve been through 20 years of health issues with my spine and had six spinal surgeries. I stay away from narcissistic people. I stay in my own little safe world.😊

[@yaelisme]

My narcissistic mother and covert, narcissistic, father create a parental alienation behind my back with my oldest child. They undermined me constantly, and did it in mild way in front of me, but absolutely viciously behind my back with the cooperation of my three siblings were also very stages of narcissism. I pretty much come from a narcissistic hive on both sides of my family. And now my oldest son is 39 and he is a lost soul filled with jealousy filled with bitterness filled with anger. Nothing is ever his fault and I don’t know if he is I’m a malevolent narcissist himselfor what but he does take the boxes you’ve described over the years I’ve watched and read your books. It breaks my heart. My advice to anyone with family members undermining you as a parent undermining to your child that you are confident or that you love them go no contact. Your children will suffer immensely for it if you do not.

[@SammieHQ-og5ii]

Thank you for your videos ! Can you talk about the narcissistic spouse of a child. I am so worried about my son who doesn’t realize she’s doing this to him. I accepted her with open arms not knowing what she was about to do. The cult of one. 😔

[@Jae-by3hf]

Yes the narc spouse of a loved one. My brother is in a relationship with one

[@wanderinghome9979]

@@SammieHQ-og5ii same here….the narc spouse has destroyed family relationships.

[@tillaeulenspiegel9281]

Thank you so much. It is so hard to find something helpfull when it comes to our children. Silence, guilt and isolation on that 😢

[@katereaves8710]

It’s so crazy, but I feel so much empathy for orphans now. How strange it is to be in a world or you don’t have a tribe of blood you know what I mean? I have great friends and they have become my family but they’re still something so sad about not having a real family. And knowing that you can’t ever have deep connections with these people.

[@jennysedgley8284]

the 'what did I do wrong' conversations I have with myself are the hardest. Radical acceptance for me means accepting I don't have a definitive answer to how my son became so mean.

[@larrylorimer3065]

My story too!

[@jrs2024]

I have a narc adult daughter. I have the same internal conversations, very stressful. Going back in time, have you noticed friends or family members calling your son out as mean, or him surprisingly losing friends over time? I actually asked my daughter in junior high “Can you be nice?” 😢 I thought because her frontal lobe wasn’t fully developed yet that I’d let her tantrum moments slide, but now that she’s an adult at 27, I won’t tolerate her meanness anymore, especially when it was directed at me. In general, I don’t mind spirited discussions but the disrespect bs crosses the line, for me. Anyway, new parents should be aware of the possibility of narc adult children & parenting tips to improve communication skills. Best of luck! 💛

[@alltheliliesbloomed]

Finally a sane person in this comment section who doesn't confuse radical acceptance with denial. Since you seem to be self-aware, insightful and willing to take responsibility, there is a chance that in the case of your son, it was someone else who did something wrong and not you. I hope you'll heal and find some self-compassion as well as peace of mind

[@JH-ls8pg]

Thank you for addressing this issue.

[@orielwiggins2225]

Thank you Dr Ramani for touching on this topic again. It's very under discussed and so important. I especially struggle when I hear folks and leaders in these communities say things like, "all it takes is one good enough parent to avoid the child becoming narcissistic". It's taken me decades to occasionally shake the guilt and shame over everything that's happened in my life (two narcissistic parents, cult survivor, narcissistic ex spouse, etc etc etc) so, it's tough when I've finally gained a sense of reality about who I am and how I've parented (high levels of empathy, compassion, and making emotional and relational well being a priority) and give myself credit for the good I brought to the marriage and parenting, rather than taking responsibility and false accountability for the things the other parent did and caused in both the marriage and the child rearing. So to hear, "even tho your ex is a toxic person and abusive and manipulative/antagonistic (egotistically punative, vindictive, controlling, triangulating, and all the rest) if you are a good enough parent (not perfect), your child will be ok" is a hard one to digest. I still have not fully radically accepted, (my child is still only 21) that they have chosen to follow hard in the other parent's toxic footsteps, albeit wearing different shoes (leans more victimized, rather than grandiose self righteous). In my better moments I can see what's happened in their early life and honestly cannot see how they could have perceived and experienced things differently, so I don't blame them for the awful betrayals etc. But it still breaks my heart to see the shame they are drowning in that's causing all the ugly and mean behavior, and I still occasionally go back and try to figure out how I could have done things differently. Often in my best times I'm able to really see the truth that even if I'd known what I was up against, even if I'd understood who my ex was, even if I'd stayed, the outcome would have been the same or worse, no change in the way I interacted with either of them could have protected my child from the coercing, manipulating, and shaping them into the early adult I have to be guarded with as I love and interact with them as well as I possibly can. I still hold out Hope for some miracle intervention before personality is fully set, tho this has been since they were 8 years old. I'm Always glad to see you tackle this topic. Thank you again!

[@MsBizzyGurl]

Nope. Went no contact and feel no guilt.

[@eileenkillen1481]

God bless you every day Dr Ramani. Tears of relief pouring down my soul.❤🙏

[@julialesley1849]

Thank you Dr Ramani. This is my story exactly. Now no contact for my own mental health also means no contact with my only grandchild. He is only 4 so no chance of seeing him without contact with her. She is a single mum. I bent my life to help her, even moved interstate to be closer and help. Her dad is a narc but she sees their relationship as the perfect one and its all my fault. She has become so viscious with her attacks that there is no possibility of contact. As hard as it is , my counsellors have advised that radical acceptance and no contact is needed for my own mental health. Her only problem with me now is that Im still breathing and she has not received her inheritance. Thank you for confirming my approach.

[@sarawallace6696]

I really appreciate this video. I have come to radical acceptance in my family’s situation and there are several family members who have not yet. I have people in our family saying “I still have faith so and so will change or come back into the fold.” Bottom line is that you can still love the child but not play the game and not torture yourself over things you can’t control. We cannot go back and make different decisions and even if we could it may not change the outcome. We just need to work on being our healthiest self and make the best choices we can with the information and limitations. ❤

[@Ramanarayan38]

Saw u emoting, and self soothing, Ramani. Makes me connect to you as a human. Adore ur work. Mulch fepsect

[@c.m.303]

I am a widow, and had a sudden aortic dissection in front of my daughter ...when she was 12 and just entering the teen phase. The complications and difficult healing was a major life threatening situation daily for the first year and more, and sent my child into state of constant fear. After bringing in some counseling I was shocked as they literally were the worst thing possible...medicaid funded didn't help. It took about 4 years for her to go completely off the walls, physically abuse me and disown me because I wouldn't "die already". While the counselors "tried to establish a trust", never once dealing with the abuse, while they rotated through every 3 months starting over with a new counselor. My child got a great lesson with each new counselor how to manipulate and play the victim better than with the previous counselor. It has been years since the last communication... I doubt there is a chance in the future. Don't ever use medicaid funded counseling!

[@Stumpybear7640]

Dr Ramini, are you ok? Your body seems to be constantly moving like you are continually comforting yourself. Thank you so much for all you do. Much love ❤

[@talbenavraham1478]

Due to parental alienation, my daughters consider me the devil personified. This is the result of marrying a narc. No contact from my ex has been relatively easy, but no contact with my narc daughters is much,much harder. Whatever happens, they're still my children. Unfortunately theres nothing to be done but it hurts.

[@TeresaCook-de6jo]

Great video. Only one I have seen like it. I have used radical acceptance towards my son but still struggle with his choice not to continue to fight for his children from his borderline exeife. Parent, grandparents alienation is so hard.

[@marthahedberg2913]

I have a narcissistic daughter-in-law & it's a nightmare.

[@Kathleen67.]

Don't lose sight of the fact that your son made that choice and all the following choices.

[@darlin5167]

Wow, of all the videos I've watched about estrangement, including yours about narcissism, this has been the most helpful and profound for me. Thank you!