Does Having Abusive Parents Mean You'll Become One?

[@Jellylamps]

I’ve sworn to myself that i will never do any of the things that have been done to me. Because nobody deserves it.

[@thstroyur]

Speaking with/looking at/being at the same general direction as other people must be hard; try becoming a hermit

[@RJL738]

Why not do those things to your abusers?

[@sammyruncorn4165]

@@RJL738 Because you are in their control. They decide what's wrong and right. You can't flee when you're underage and as soon as you tell others, they deny it and you get blamed and punished in the end.

[@ChrisRWitt]

Man this is my worst fear. 3 generations in the male line in my family were all drunk abusive fathers. I hope that my choice to be permanently sober and vigilant of my actions will be enough to save my future family from me.

[@rolfdekkers1043]

With a mindset like that you're already on the right way if you ask me. If you'd truly be like those before you I doubt you would try to take action but that's just my 2 cents.

[@RJL738]

I think you are in the right path.

[@rumplstiltztinkerstein]

What I understood from my own experience is that these kinds of issue happens the hardest in times of struggle, some kind of trouble that may cause stress to those in the family. So I try to understand two things: First, in times that everything is ok, how to better enjoy life and keep everything going nicely without falling into some trouble (like economical, etc), second, when something bad happens, how to find valuable solutions and deal with them correctly without getting desperate, not causing any kind of harm to anyone, regardless of the excuse. Not only understanding that is important, but being effective at solving problems and allowing everyone to relax and succeed at developing their own lives, while being someone pleasant yourself, are all things the children will be glad to learn about.

[@jlw35cudvm]

Sadly, I understand this all too well. I can empathize with you. Becoming exactly this is my greatest fear. Best wishes to you

[@noisemagician]

With pride I can say that I broke the cycle, my childhood was horrible.

[@jamesslick4790]

Yay!!! 👍😊👍 Good on Ya!

[@gideonjones5712]

Important thing to note about the Bobo doll experiment: kids who saw the adults hit the doll and then get in trouble for it were less likely to hit the doll than those who did not see an adult hit the doll. So seeing negative consequences for aggresive actions is was more effective at getting the kids to not be violent than simply not showing them violent behavior.

[@silverandexact]

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[@blackanimecat2]

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[@jennali9800]

Completely irrelevant, but I just had a really strange mental image of adults play-acting parent / child on hitting Bobo dolls.

[@theocaratic]

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[@beesgold1487]

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[@deep_fried_analysis]

My mother thought it was okay to hit me because her parents hit her. I'm sure that her mindset is not unique at all.

[@thstroyur]

I think that's kinda the point of the vid (IMO)

[@deep_fried_analysis]

Yes. Yes it is.

[@RJL738]

Hopefully you hit her back.

[@deep_fried_analysis]

I didn't wish to become like her, so i didn't.

[@RJL738]

What she did was unprovoked, if you hit her it would be provoked. There is no way you could ever be like her by defending yourself and beating her so bad she could never abuse you again.

[@HH-lr2zt]

I like that Scishow isn't afraid to talk about sensitive subjects.

[@Toastmaster_5000]

Real science doesn't have an agenda to push; it's just about the facts, whether you like them or not.

[@randomUnhold]

The agenda of peace, tolerance and sustainability. Yes.

[@justinstrong9595]

History and Propaganda are meant to push an agenda. As much as you'd love to believe that the bulk of the scientific community pushes an agenda, you're wrong. If you must argue that they push an agenda, say that it is one of scholarship and knowledge, pushing people to learn more and know more.

[@justinstrong9595]

No they are not. Some of the people that PRESENT certain crash courses show their bias in the way they present and teach the information but they are not as a company/ business trying to push an agenda. And I was referring to the small percentage of that scientific community that IS biased and falsifies results to push agendas. That's why I said the bulk.

[@justinstrong9595]

Yes they are, this is true. But do you believe they add none of their own words or opinions? Are you that arrogant?

[@OAmoretNoctis1Izzy]

My single parent was very emotionally abusive to me, and I didn't realize it was unhealthy because it wasn't physical. Now I'm independent and no longer in contact, and I think a lot about how to end the cycle. Thank you for talking about this topic!

[@Ikajo]

Izzy-Fizz Find someone to talk to. Don't let the wounds fester until you get so used to the pain that you don't register it any more. If you do, the wounds will rupture.

[@jenniferstirling1532]

Sometimes the best gift our parents can give us is not showing us who to be, but who not to be.

[@phantomstrider]

I think with some people, witnessing or experiencing abuse can swing the opposite way. They vow to never put loved ones through the abuse/fear that they once experienced.

[@jantelopez5626]

i think its to do with peoples ability or desire to solve problems..

[@phantomstrider]

@@jantelopez5626 True

[@girlthatisagirl2538]

I was violently abused physically as a child up until around 14. I watched my siblings be abused and it was so bad that I threw up and many times things ended up broken (door handles, a lot of walls, etc.) as a child I hated these people. My siblings were definitely affected, I experienced this myself as they would harm me if I pissed them off, even after my parents stopped the physical abuse (my siblings were very tall like 6'2 and some became very buff) the emotional abuse never really did stop though and my siblings couldn't care less, they took the violent route with me since I was the smallest and weakest of my family. My parents although they did eventually stop physically abusing me did end up, if I got them mad, threatening to throw me out or put me into foster care even though I was still a teen. I do have violent behaviors but when I recognize them I walk away to be alone so I don't hurt anyone. Since I know these abusive patterns well I want to make sure i never repeat them. I want to be a good person in spite of my shitty family.

[@RJL738]

Why not physically beat up your parents. If they ever touch you again why is being violent towards them wrong?

[@rumplstiltztinkerstein]

RJL738 the video main topic is about people who suffer abuse to grow up into being abusive, and you tell her to be abusive to her parents since they were like that to her?

[@girlthatisagirl2538]

RJL738 first off my parents would either over power or match my strength, second they could call the cops and third I vow to never hurt a child or my own children ever.

[@rumplstiltztinkerstein]

I am really sorry you have to deal with that. I had to deal with some very very harsh years on my adolescence because I am autistic and was having trouble in getting good grades, so my parents thought the best thing was to beat me up and threaten me every single day. This kind of s**t really sticks on us, and we can get really afraid of being abusive towards our companion and children later in our lives. What helps me the most was seeing how my first gf family was, they were very caring, honest and tender to themselves and those they respected, so it made me understand that since we didn't have someone to hug us, to give words of confidence, to watch out for us and guide us in this world, many of us might simply not consider or come across the thought of being like that towards our loved ones. So, what I focus in learning and understanding is: learn to listen, to calm, to be honest, to show love, to be funny, to help them find their happiness, meet their friends and be themselves, and also be a positive influence not only to the children, but to others as well, so that they learn how to be respectful and that life is better when you share respect.

[@girlthatisagirl2538]

Don't mind me just Haydn in the comments I hope you are doing much better these days and don't worry about me, I have friends who show me a better way to live and see life. I'm so sorry your parents didn't bother to understand you and that you had to go through a troubling time best of luck to you!

[@SableRain]

I really enjoy this presenter. She comes across as well-spoken, knowledgeable, and professional with a quirky style. I really hope she sticks around.

[@silverandexact]

She'll be presenting a new series called Nature League, but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll leave SciShow Psych (like just look at Hank's credits). Source: The Hank and John Newsletter

[@ricp7116]

Sable Rain plus she slightly looks lie Brie Larson

[@PostColorGear]

Brit is awesome! And attractive, to boot! :)

[@youmaycallmeken]

And excellent at communicating -articulating and expressing in a most understandable way.

[@lauragadille3384]

I think she talks too fast

[@isixqueenxofxmadness]

You should do a video on what parental abuse Is, like the one on gaslighting. It could help young people to realize that what they are going through Is abuse and help them get help or talk to someone or just even realize its not their fault.

[@hazelsunderstood6784]

True but there is so much a parent can do that is abusive. They are the world wide supported jailer who gets praised as a teacher. They 'slave' for those they CHOSE to bring into the world. So parents get to: gaslight, beat, starve, use infantilization, indoctrinate into religions/cults, steal from, verbally abuse, physically abuse, sexually abuse, and most of all: mentally abuse..... That is just some of what a parent(s) are capable of....So a video on 'parental abuse' is just too much of an umbrella thing. Also parents/partners/co-workers...all kinds of people/ages/positions/sexes are capable of the worst thing and the best thing. That's why we have half-baked laws that help victims and laws that help abusers. Because both abusers and victims make the laws. So nothing is really just 'parental abuse'. It's case by case. It's terrible that selfish people are usually the most fertile.... It's terrible that most parents I know make school shooting seem like a fricken wish on a star - for kids. It's terrible how a life can be born (because abortion is wrong) just to be tormented and tortured every damn day. It's terrible when the abuse comes from a parent. But it's unfortunately not just parents who get away with being abusive.

[@reachandler3655]

I think that's a good idea. I hadn't realised I'd been psychologically abused and physically neglected until my therapist told me after I described life with mother.

[@wolfferoni]

My mum believes a kid is well behaved if they've been beaten as a kid. If a kid or even adult misbehaves, she says it's because the kid isn't or weren't beaten at all or enough. With kids who have behavioural issues, throw tantrums or even adults who are really rude, my mum says she would've beaten them to death. I think this is absolutely insane. One of the biggest reasons I will never have kids because she has said she will hit them if I don't.

[@stephanies9689]

You don't have to keep her in your life, you know. She's not entitled to contact with any grandchildren. My mom will never meet my kid, her history of abuse is too strong to trust her with any living thing. Even if she had been a better person, striking my kid would put her in the same position. It's obviously 100% your choice, but there are options if you do want any kids

[@TyphlosionGirl]

Wolfferoni oh my god, that's scary because my mother said that too, almost word for word, on more than one occasion.

[@hottie286]

Violence I’d never the answer, the only reason they’d behave is because they’d be scared to get hit again; that’s not a healthy relationship.

[@arthurobrien7424]

How about you just hit her, loser? Seriously I can't believe the nihilistic spinelessness of some people.

[@nonbinarycode993]

My parents think the same way. If my little cousin throws another tantrum they always blame my aunt for being "too lenient" by not beating him

[@ryanliberty]

Such an important topic to discuss. Help is available. I had abuse in my home growing up and became violent myself. After a particular bout of violence something "clicked" and I realized what my life had become. I vowed that day to never be violent again and haven't since. It takes work but it's worth it.

[@deep_fried_analysis]

The exact same thing happened to me too when i broke my hand against a wall.

[@ryanliberty]

neverAskMeWhy07 Ouch!

[@alvinyao788]

My mother was violent to me when I was younger, and I found myself nearly returning that violence when I got mad at her. Luckily I stopped myself.

[@RJL738]

I understand not returning it to your children but what would it be a bad thing to return it to your own mother?

[@joshweickum]

Hell of a liberating experience isn't it?

[@grandmamosays3310]

I'm interested to see if there are studies showing a co-relation between being abused and stress, especially the stress from a need to be perfect. I was abused both at home and at school until I turned 14 and went to high-school. I learned that being quiet and obedient would help protect me from that abuse, but I have never learned how to fight back. As a wife, I kept my mouth shut and simply accepted my lot in life. I would agonize over every mistake I made as a wife, mother and employee and this, in conjunction with CRPS and a sleep disorder, finally lead to a complete breakdown in my 40's. There came a time when I was a young mother that I heard myself yelling at my kids. I sounded just like my mother, so I made a vow to never do that again....and I didn't. We can change the cycle of abuse. It's hard, and it helps to have access to therapy, but it can be done.

[@deep_fried_analysis]

It's a shame that it took you such a long time to realise that, but at least you did make a change eventually, unlike my mother for example.

[@lunacouer]

neverAskMeWhy07 It seems pretty common, for that lifetime of stress and pain to finally culminate in someone's 40's - at least from mine and other women I know's experience. There's a book I want to read called "The Body Keeps Score", that goes into how trauma is stored in the body. It makes sense, Grandma, that your body finally went "Nope". Mine did, too. I coped the same way, too - head down and obedient. I figure the perfectionism was a leftover from childhood, where doing one little thing "wrong" had very real, painful and abusive consequences.

[@hannahkearns9944]

I'd like to start by saying a massive well done for making sure your children don't have the same experience that you had! and to respond to your query, there are a few studies! i've read a few in the BJSW, but that's for so i don't think a link would help. the perfectionism is quite a common response, due to the learned fear of the what consequences of 'mistakes' are. Kids with abusive situations are also uncommonly aware of very slight shifts in emotions, and can 'freeze' when they sense them, and i heard somewhere that survivors of physical abuse have better peripheral vision than people who didn't experience abuse, at the expense of their focused vision, because they're essentially looking out for 'predators'. Very sad but important to notice these things to better notice and support CYP.

[@lunacouer]

Hannah Kearns Thank you for this! It explains so much!

[@Saydle]

I would look into complex ptsd or read Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker. I'm not aware of any scientific studies on the matter but I too struggle with the need to be perfect and the delusion that if I can just be perfect, x person will love me/not abuse me.

[@carolinadelaossa7383]

I think that you missed the topic of how the children of the abused are taught to normalize the abuse and then tend to be abused later in life. I have an abusive father, and a codependent mother who until this day refuses to divorce him. Anyway, thanks to had been witness of psychological abuse every day until I leaved my home, and been taught by my mother that that behavior was "normal", I then found myself also dating guys who were complete dicks with me and started to develop codependent behavior towards them too. Thanks to therapy I was able to break the cycle on my middle 20's but I think that without it I wouldn't have made it.

[@katiekane5247]

Carolina De La Ossa , so glad for you. Despite being college educated & thinking I was aware, I married a lying alcoholic like my dad. My husband was only severly emotionally abusive & used my mental health issues to gaslight me & those around me. I've never gotten over how I thought enuff love could "save" him. Just replayed my childhood but I didn't drink or physically abuse my child. Still feel like I lost most of my life so I'm glad you got therapy early. Good luck!

[@FlamingoCollective]

I was adopted after having been abused as a little kid. I hate the idea that I might do what someone else what my father and step mother did to me. It terrifies me. But it helps to know that the affect is lessened for those who were only abused as young children.

[@leerowan9640]

I feel like it's kinda important to address that growing up in abusive households can /also/ make people more inclined towards empathy and treating others with kindness. Like I get that SciShow is more about analysing and explaining the statistical data that's available on various topics but I also know from personal experience as well as talking to other victims that it's common to actually learn to be more considerate from abusive experiences. IMO there's probably a tendency for people to go either way but since these studies don't also measure how the participants feel about using violence against other people or traits like empathy, it comes up with a much bleaker picture of the behaviour of victims than what tends to happen in real life, which can be kinda harmful since abuse (particularly if it's emotional) already often makes people feel like they're broken or inherently bad people. Anyway, great video as always, not sure if people really say it anymore but DFTBA!

[@Ch6rlotte]

Thank you, great comment

[@leerowan9640]

Charlotte Denolf thank you !! 😊😊

[@lunacouer]

I was pretty encouraged even by the statistics. While 37% of folks who were abused as adolescents then became abusive in some way, that means that 63% didn't. And the numbers go up from there - 82% of people abused as kids weren't abusive and then 90% of the control group weren't. It seems that the numbers are backing up what you're saying. 😊

[@winstonchaychel]

Excuse my German, but holy freaking SCHEISSE!! This explains so much right now. Witnessed abuse since I can remember back that far, father and mother we're abusive until I was 15 and moved out to live with my then boyfriend (now husband) and his mom, had severe moments of PTSD waking up from nightmares and all kinds of bad stuff. But now? I'm constantly smiling and empathetic towards people. It might be because the two influences in my life (my now mother-in-law, and my maternal grandfather) stepped up and showed me real love. Or was it because of the past? Anyway, mother got help after being arrested for abuse so many years ago but bio-father is still a drunkard (I claim my maternal grandfather to be my real father figure).

[@mimsydreams]

I've seen people go the complete opposite as well. Abused kids that grew up to be sociopathic or narcissistic. A great deal bof criminals come from either a physical or emotionally abusive background. It comes down to choice, in the end. Either you care about people or you don't. You make the choice. Just like you make the choice whether to be abusive or not.

[@GraceAxelrod]

Haven’t watched the video yet because I’m not ready to cry again, but I literally got home from therapy where I was talking about this very topic less than an hour ago. I checked KZbin and saw this just now I am not exaggerating SciShowPsych...-ic! :P You guys are always on point

[@EnriqueRegisPascalinRomo]

Stop wasting your time with therapy. Therapy won't help if you can't control yourself from being violent. If you don't have the will to give love to your kids instead of violence, you are a waste of human being and you'd be better underground.

[@impala-tardisluver]

Therapy is a great thing. Do NOT listen to the previous dude. I've gone through crap in my life as well. It does not make you them!

[@kevinthefabulous1118]

erparom Maybe you should get therapy for that apparent lack of empathy, dude.

[@rumplstiltztinkerstein]

erparom so easy for someone who didn't go through abuse to point and condemn others as if he/she were superior. easy and stupid

[@silverandexact]

It seems this is about physical abuse only. What about emotional abuse and neglect?

[@quantuminfidel8364]

Shea Pierson I would guess they go hand in hand

[@thstroyur]

Try to fill in with your imagination

[@Ikajo]

That is an important topic. Mental abuse affects us differently than physical abuse. Because it is harder to see the wounds from mental abuse they can go untreated. Causing depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. Mental abuse can also be harder to detect and therefore go on even after the victim has reached adulthood. I do not think someone who has experienced mental abuse would turn abusive themselves but they might engage in risky behaviour. Develop addictions and choosing dangerous coping mechanisms. And end up in relationships that are also abusive,this time from a partner.

[@vickymc9695]

Not exactly, alot of it was about all 3, including the 10%18%and%39 for people who had been abused going on to abuse kids. The last part was mostly on physical abuse as it's been more documented, so it's easier to spot, and therefore study.

[@alexunlocked9837]

@@thstroyur But it's science. Science is supposed to suspend what "makes sense" and observe "evidence." However, conclusions can be riddled with cognitive biases and research flaws as well, so even those need constant scrutiny and improvement. However, in this case, I agree. Lol.

[@saffron411]

I was raised in an emotionally abusive household and still currently living in one. Once I have realized that and changed my outlook, I have become incredibly empathetic and understanding. I realized if I didn’t work on bettering myself I would repeat the cycle. I still get bits of my past showing up in my actions but I can correct and reflect on it. I noticed a lot of people raised in similar situations are also very empathetic and loving.

[@Lillireify]

I am one of those unfortunate, who need and want to break the cycle. My grandfather was physically abusive (never done it to me personally), his son was mentally abusive, and that was even worse :( got therapy for my depression and anxiety issues, and I hope it is enough - I don't want to ever make my children, when I have them, suffer as I did.

[@Tacticslion]

First: thank you for this. Abuse needs to be stopped, and you are helping. Thank you. On a less grim note: man, between Brit and Hank and the rest of the hosts, the Sci-Show people are a *really* good-looking group of people with impressive clothing choices. I wonder if that's part of a psychological reason why we tend to accept them as being voices of authority? Obviously, their genuine knowledge, expertise, and citations are a large part of it, but I suspect that voice, body motions, fashion choices (including hair and clothes) all play a role to. That'd be a pretty interesting meta-video: Sci Show Psych's "How Sci Show uses fashion, behavior, word-choice, and similar traits to earn trust." That would be *amazing*, really. /really random aside Also: you guys are awesome!

[@Shaosprojects]

It's sad but at the same time reassuring that others have been through what I've been through. Abuse is never justifiable and the emotional distress persists long after you leave your parents. I have a pervasive inferiority complex that is frustratingly difficult to work out of my psychology.

[@owenw.1643]

thank you for addressing spanking as violence

[@taproot0619]

I HATE EXISTENCE from a rational, college educated human being who has talked to many people on the subject who both support or disagree with spanking, and someone who was spanked as a child, I can and will confidently say that spanking, when administered properly and for the right reason, is not abuse. If it a set punishment with rules to its use that the child knows and understands and the adult is calm and levelheaded, it is not abuse. Not everything is a spankable offence. And it can be taken too far, but there is a clear distinction between beating and spanking. Spanking: is done when the child is disrespectful or ignores clear-cut rules. Is set to certain number of swats (usually 3-7 in my house) Is only given when the parent is calm. Meaning if something happened that made the parent mad or upset, the parent must first leave the room and calm down before deciding punishment. The child knows what he/she did to recieve the punishment and understands it is not being done out of anger. Is only struck on the butt or thighs since those areas are highly muscular and can absorb impacts without undo amounts of pain or harm. Is never hit with something sharp, pointed, or metal. Ever. Hands (such as a back hand or open palm. Not a clenched fist), wooden spoons, and belts. Any more and it is too extreme. Beating: done any time the parent feels like the child did something wrong or whenever they just feel like it. the child is hit until the parent feels it is enough. Often done in Anger or otherwise mentally unsound. Child doesn't understand why the beating is happening other than the parent is angry. uses anything within reach including fists or belt buckles. In summery, a proper spanking is thought out and controlled by the brain so both the adult and child understands while a beating is controlled mainly by emotion and how the parent feels at the time leaving, the child defenseless to avoid later occurrences. This is how my mother has used spankings on me and my 4 siblings. This explanation has gotten people who believed any physical punishment to be abuse to come to my side and agree that if their parents had disciplined them the way my mother disciplined me, they would have turned out better. Specifically one friend of mine said he wouldn't have half the issues he has today nor would he have such trouble with authority. And yes, that person was truly beaten growing up even though his parents called it "spanking". What happened to him was abusive but what happened to me was not.

[@acmulhern]

Matthew Hoots are you seriouslg trying to rationally defend spanking? In my experience i have never had a situation where there wasn't an alternative to spanking. I prefer to teach my children good behaviour rather than punish them for behaving badly. The result is calm and confident children who are well behaved and have great emotional intelligence and empathy. I worked with many children and i can tell you that children who are physically punished also use violence to solve conflicts among each other.

[@mineola_]

Matthew Hoots wait are you claiming that hitting your kid with a wooden spoon, or belt is considered spanking??? I'm sorry, but that's crazy. I do not condone spanking, but I know that there are people who use it sometimes. But let me be clear, any utensils is straight up abuse.

[@Madison08851]

Yep. The only time my kids ever needed to be hit is when I am telling them something is dangerous, like touching a stove, and they don't listen to my warnings. I think kids getting hit will traumatize them in some way to some degree. I use that trauma for their benefit, and it's small trauma that reminds them not to touch the stove or they will get hurt. And id much rather they have trauma from me swatting their hand, then having the horrible burns from the stove or other dangerous things. But spanking on the butt is abuse and in my opinion, violating their body, and I see it as assault.

[@taproot0619]

With the leather part of the belt yeah. The buckle is obviously abuse, but the strap is fine. And don't forget that this is coming from someone who has been on the receiving end of all three. Sometimes, your hand just doesn't cut it. When you're young, like younger than 5 or 6, just the hand is all you need. But 6-12, a spoon is usually what you need and 12-14 you might want to use a belt. After 14, sit down talks tend to be the best option simply due to the fact that the brain is bigger and more developed. A long, in depth talk about what happened, what will happen, and the ripples caused by their actions on others works better than a direct punishment on them. Which teaches them empathy and to watch out for others as well as themselves. Again, this is exactly what my mother did with me, and I respect her more than any other human being on the planet. I am 4 of 5, and so far all of us that have graduated high school did so National honors society, and every employer all of us have had regularly comment that we are the hardest workers on staff. And all four of us have kept 3.5+ GPA's in college. If mom did us a disservice by spanking us, I can't see how.

[@CailinRuaAnChead]

My mum was beaten black and blue as a child by my granny. She was quite aggressive as a young woman but when she had she swore she could never lay a finger on me. 27 years later she still hasn't. Cycle broken, I was never mistreated as a child (and neither is my son) so, yeah, thanks mum!

[@slagondrayer447]

I have broken that cycle. My boy is 4 months and will never be hit.

[@RJL738]

Usually what often triggers abuse is when your child looks up at you with the same eyes as you did your parents and has similar behavior characteristics. He is not old enough to manifest any true behavior problems. I trust you mean what you say but what if he this you first or tried your patience at every turn. He may even find out you were abused and push your buttons in the right way.

[@bla2220]

I am the only one of my siblings who fought and am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, has not ever gone to jail, and has never abused my kids. The point I am making, is that the cycle can be broken.

[@stgrichardson]

I love the emphasis y'all put on how abuse is a choice by the abuser! That cannot be said enough!

[@km1dash6]

Is therapy the only way to reduce the risk of becoming abusive? What if you don't have access to mental health care? And I find it interesting how researchers often talk about all the factors outside of our control (genes, environment, how we were raised, etc.) and how they determine our behaviors, then immediately backtrack and say "but you're still in control."

[@IMakeupStuff]

They talk about how they **Can** determine our behaviors. You'll absolutely never find a psychological researcher who says that if you grew up in an abusive home, you 100% will be an abuser yourself.

[@vickymc9695]

A normal parenting class would probably go a long way to help. You get told good parenting strategies, can pass on good tips, and meet a network of new parents to help as a support network when things get stressful.

[@alexunlocked9837]

Right?!

[@geminibodyshop71]

i have never lifted my hand to my wife or children cycle broken

[@thstroyur]

You mightta kicked 'em

[@geminibodyshop71]

ha ha should have seen that coming no i love them too much something i didn't see until i moved in with my in laws and wife and seen what a real family is now i have that

[@isixqueenxofxmadness]

There are non-physical ways of abuse too. Make sure sure you dont do that either.

[@geminibodyshop71]

i don't do mind games

[@RJL738]

What if they hit you first?

[@RebelAlliance42]

I grew up in an abusive home, my parents were alcoholic drug addicts, but I completely broke the cycle for my kids because I know what it was like, and I hated my parents for it. I have done parenting courses and worked one on one with a lot of support organisations because I love my kids and want to do it right. I have learned a lot of healthy coping skills tailor made for me and my 3 special needs children. I have sisters who carried traits on, one is an alcoholic who doesn't discipline her kids at all, the other is a drug addict who abuses her kids. We all had the same upbringing in the same environment, we all suffered the same experiences, so it comes down to choice, in my experience.

[@averybentleysollmann8516]

As someone who was abused between 6 and 16 years old, the whole part of, "Ultimately, you choose your behaviours," is very validating. I've been getting help from professionals, such as anger management counseling and generalised therapy, so that I don't become abusive. I have elected not to have children until I can demonstrate to myself that I'm at a lower risk of being violent towards any future children. I'm very thankful I didn't have kids at 18 years old, when I wanted to have one to "fix" me--a.k.a heal me because I'm not broken like I thought I was back then. I think if I'd had a child at 18, I would have been an abusive parent. I'm 33 now, but I know I'm still not quite ready to have a child. But this video actually made me a little more optimistic about having one.

[@GetPsyched]

A really interesting video. I think its vital to understand the concept of subjectivness here also. Each inidivdual is different, however 'violence begets more violence' is really promenant in psychological research. As a therpists, its a vital concept I need to be aware of. Thanks for this!

[@Verny83]

I think another factor that lowers the risk of carrying on abuse is if you become a parent at an older age. We are still growing and maturing through our 20s and if that time is spent away from the abusive situation there is a chance for other influences to take effect. You may also have been able to witness other healthier family dynamics.

[@survivedandthriving]

Wow! An important discussion thank you for having it. But unfortunately, you really dropped the ball on this one. For me, there are two glaring points that are missing that actually harm rather than help those of us who grew-up in abusive homes. i) Yes, it true that many people who were abused in their FOO have a greater chance of becoming abusers. But you left out the other half of the equation - many of us who grew-up in abusive homes are instead more likely to become part of and stay in abusive relationships as adults. This result of an abusive childhood is important in the way we deal with and view relationship violence. For example, whenever we see stories about celebrities (and others) in domestic abuse situations people inevitably ask 'why did they stay?' as if the abused person is to blame for their abuse. The fact that we ignore childhood abuse generally and the way it influences later relationships specifically (as in this video) helps to stigmatize the abused person and make it that much more difficult for the abused person to find help. ii) You seem to define violence and abuse as only physical abuse, with a very brief mention of sexual abuse. I am surprised that i have to say this on this channel but **emotional and psychological abuse are also forms of violence and also forms of abuse**. Again, to leave out these forms of violence and abuse in this type of discussion is to tacitly imply that they are not really forms of abuse. To do so makes it that much easier for ignorant people to tell us to 'just shake off' the CPTSD, depression, and other very real psychological injuries, challenges, and disorders that we suffer from as a result of our abuse and that much easier for people to pretend the impacts we suffer are not real, are made up, or no big deal because we did not suffer from 'real abuse' the way those who suffered from physical abuse did. Again this way of presenting abuse (or in this case failure to present abuse) further stigmatizes those of us who experienced these types of abuse and makes it that much more difficult for us to get help and support we need in our recovery. I am disappointed that your channel left out such important aspects of this topic. I know that you do solid research and do your best to present the facts objectively based on this research. However, sometimes the points that you choose to not cover can say as much as those that you choose to include. Sadly, that is the case for this video.

[@LockheartAesthetic]

My family has a history of abuse. I think that it gets to a point where our generation gets smarter and therefore more sympathetic and we understand why we feel the way we do and stop the cycle. It takes a lot of strength to admit you are wrong and leave the pride behind because of all of criticism you received as a child. I was physically and emotionally abused for years but it was never as bad as what my mom or my grandmother had to go through as kids. But the difference was that my dad passed away when I was 12. I was being bullied at school and was at my worst point in my life. My family fell apart and I never got help. Now I am a fucked up mess and for the first time in my life I am talking to a therapist. I can't stress enough how important it is to let out how you feel to someone because letting things bottle up inside have led me to eating disorders, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bad nervous picking habits, gender dysphoria, etc. Therapy is my only hope and I think it can be yours too of you feel broken. Please don't give up.♡

[@Assassins0908]

"In the end you get to chose who you are and what you do".... that spoke volumes to me

[@Nemra99]

Dont know why, but This video made me think about the effects of the imprisonment and how the experience from prison can change a person. You could consider making a video about that if you havent already😁

[@pendlera2959]

+1

[@filibustergirl]

I myself grew up with alcoholic parents which made my mother especially, very violent. I have depression and find myself get angry a lot. I go to therapy and learn different techniques on how to deal with certain situations. Art was my outlet. Because of my experiences when I was younger, I vow to help children and adults in similar situation. Currently in School studying Art therapy, counseling, and Psych. Im so proud of how far ive come and i enjoy reading the comments of how others have overcome their past!

[@shaz5200]

This is such an important topic. I grew up in an emotionally abusive and manipulative home (even though I'm sure they weren't aware of the damage that was being done most of the time because it was so normalised). Now having my own child, I see myself repeating the abuse but I'm able to pull myself up on it because I don't want my daughter to go through the same thing I went through.

[@EtanChamare]

Alongside Antisocial PD, many other personality disorders also correlate with abusive parents. I think it’d be really cool to see some videos on those other personality disorders, especially considering personality disorders aren’t talked a lot about in general compared to other disorders.

[@dawn8293]

Scishow: "although, ultimately, your decisions are in your control" Crash course philosophy: "I wouldn't be so sure about that"

[@juliak7654]

I am now 16 years old and my parents have always seen violence as an acceptable parenting technique. My mother suffered from depression when I was younger and there was also a lot of emotional abuse. My mental health got worse and worse every year and now I am at a point where I might leave this place called "home". But it's just really scary and I don't feel like my parents have treated me bad enough so that I am allowed to do so. I don't quite know why I told you this but at the moment everything is becoming too much.

[@sayuas4293]

I had abusive parents, which made me determined to never be abusive to any child.

[@basklisk]

Thanks. I notice I have picked up behaviors from family who are very verbally abusive, sometimes I do something abusive without realizing, but I’m glad to know it can be helped

[@LapisGarter]

Can you make a video about the different kinds of OCD obsessions like scrupulosity and superstition?

[@deep_fried_analysis]

+

[@Kris-cu1vx]

+

[@skyelarmurray467]

I will NEVER allow myself to perpetuate the cycle. I tell myself this everyday. Abuse is a cycle, but it can be broken.

[@brendenpischke6060]

"And I know I may end up failing too. But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you."

[@youdeservetobehappynow7584]

My parents think that I don't have emotions. I get verbal abuse all the time. last year, i became tired and became violent to by returning it to my parents and answering them with disgust but I realised my wrong doings and my ability to control my response but nothing change to them. It's difficult and very hard to deal with them it's like they are pushing you to hate yourself no matter how much you comfort yourself. What we need is the belief in ourselves that we can survive without their words. Don't give care to them. Build yourself up.

[@katiekane5247]

Watched & experienced abusive alcoholic parents. I was the "good" kid & never caused trouble or fought back. Caused me to have severe depression & suicidal ideation for most of my life. I don't drink but doubtless my severe mental illness caused stress for my one child. Given when I grew up, born in 1958, the family dysfunction was never discussed. I feel like I could have been helped the most by someone, anyone, letting me talk. Hearing that it was not my fault or responsibility might have saved me from 35 years of meds & misery. I never formed a sense of safety, to this day I am anxious & have trouble relating to other humans. Animals were & are my saviors. Still working on issues at 60 & off meds finally. Be there for a kid if you can, it could save a life.

[@LesOubliesQuebec]

Well, I was mistreated by my parents and I always swear to myself never to be like then. At least for my parents I notice they never put themselves into question which I do all the time. Even if I do react very badly to physical aggression I have little or no violent behaviour otherwise. I hope from the bottom of my heart that I will break that cycle and raise children that will understand that violence is never a solution and to always question yourself so you don't fall in Absolut . Ps: both my parents suffer from mental illness so part of that process will be to show to my child that reality and remove that stigma.

[@Neontronique]

I was severely abused as a child, to disgusting levels, but I did get a lot of psychiatric therapy, I treat children like lil gods. I would never harm another.

[@victorialynnstruble]

I was subject to a lot of verbal and emotional abuse as a child, never anything physical thankfully. My parents love me very much they did everything they could to provide me with a happy and healthy childhood. But a disbelief in mental health and a slew of anger management issues do not a pleasant combination make. I've lived my entire life emphatically myself that I am doomed to never have children because if I have them I'm going to make the same mistakes as my family. As well as being educational this video was also pretty reassuring and is allowing me to entertain a slightly more positive idea of myself one day becoming a parent. Thank you

[@danielhope6465]

I had horrific abuse from when my mom lost me as a baby through my last foster parent at 19. Overall it was so traumatic that I can't stand to be around anything that resembles it. Because of that, I'm incapable of repeating the cycle. Sometimes a worst case scenario can teach improvement through demonstration of the harm you can cause if you don't become better. So, YES, it is possible to be different. Sometimes it's the only logical outcome. In my case for reasons stronger than will power. I'm in therapy for severe anxiety and CPTSD, but as a parent I'm the total opposite of my own experiences.

[@0mn1vore]

Good to know. Thank you, SciShow Psych. This was totally worth seeing, but thanks also for the warning at the start.

[@stainedhands2327]

My parents were both abused, but only my dad has become abusive and is exactly like his father en tho he hates him. My mom hates her mom, but chose to deal with it in a healthy way.

[@rjvasquez3464]

thank you for this video. i had to stop midway because it brings back some memories.

[@johnyliltoe]

I'd like to see how many of the kids that grew up in abusive households that didn't develop violent tendencies instead went on to be "stuck" in abusive relationships.

[@NewMessage]

I chose not to breed. I can break that cycle, and not add to the pop. all in one go!

[@rewer]

You again .... i see you everywhere!

[@SaraAnneMiller]

I decided the same thing. The only kids I have and will ever have are four-legged. I am really great at being a dog mama.

[@chairshoe81]

you couldnt breed even if you wanted to

[@lily-lilie]

Pretty much this. I just won't risk it

[@3mar00ss6]

no sex for you unless you want to be a FUCKBOY

[@AngryKittens]

My parents believed in corporeal punishment in the elementary school years. It was very rare, only around a handful of times growing up, but we got spanked pretty hard for doing really bad or really dangerous things like climbing really tall trees or stealing. It was also followed by a lecture on why they were punishing us, to make sure we understand what we did wrong. However, not once have I ever seen fight or hit each other. The worst that happens when they're mad at each other is stop speaking for a day or two, no more. Neither have I ever witnessed them do anything cruel to anything. I love my parents. And to this day, none of us kids (all adults now) have ever been involved in a violent fight. Neither have we ever hurt something for the fun or satisfaction of it, either verbally or physically. So yeah, spanking is not necessarily abusive, neither does it make you abusive.

[@MIBAQS]

Awesome! Thank you, love from Uruguay!

[@autumnsemler8]

I'm not going to become one

[@autumnsemler8]

Claude Sigma look buddy I know I'm not going to become abusive I'm not going to put any kid what my bad put me through I know I'm going to have kids and yes it dose concern me about not being a good mom (like most people do think about) but a bad mom isn't worried about being a bad mom so I think I'll be just fine thank you

[@anandaariannamorningstar434]

sadly a lot of people don't have control and are permanently wired to lack empathy and conscience like sociopaths and narcissists.

[@motheraiya]

Not completely related, but something that's been driving me crazy is something my son picked up from my husband (his dad). Husband isn't violent, but he's been known to smack the desk when he's gaming and gets taken by surprise. Then I saw our son started smacking the wall, or whatever piece of furniture was nearest, when he got frustrated. I pointed it out to my husband and he's mostly broken the habit, but it's now gonna take a while to curb the habit with our son.

[@klattalexis]

You left out that we all are free to choose our behaviours. We can choose not to be like our abusive parents or choose to fall into their footsteps, hence "the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree". The only other factors that may cloud good judgement are alcohol & drugs. In which case you can choose not to drink or drug. In all cases, under all circumstances, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution, but you do have a choice.

[@finnwilliamson6969]

Sorry to be the person to be like oh that’s me I relate to that. This video helped me I’m 18 years old I’ve been domestically abuse by my mum since I was a child. Physically, emotionally and basically neglected I once whacked my head on a sharp object and was bleeding pretty bad and had concussion and my mum wouldn’t take me to the hospital to this day about 5 years on it’s still painful to touch and hasn’t healed properly. Anyway this video helped me a lot I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and I heard stories of people with BPD creating unhealthy relationships and bonds with their kids and ultimately becoming abusive to them. It frightened me I’ve been a victim but I never want that for my kids. I’m only young but I think that parents make mistakes no matter whether you think your perfect or not something will come to mind and you wish you did it differently. What I’m saying is have the intelligence and the wisdom to stop your kids going through what you went through. Be more emotional with your kids but don’t spoil them. Don’t try to harm your children or strangle them or do anything that could disrupt their life. I think that’s the best way to combat that. I’ve made a promise to myself not to do any of the things I faced

[@SolosSpirit]

great job. I still wonder if my violent leanings have anything to do with how I was raised, thanks making it all a tiny bit clearer. KEEP IT UP

[@jjc5475]

in the beginning of a relationship promise each other you never will hit each other.

[@NightcoreLabOfficial]

That thumbnail ;-;

[@bluejay3698]

Nightcore Lab Hi I love you

[@0mn1vore]

Nightcore Lab - Yeah. Perfect.

[@LucMMailloux]

Bounce off, no need to make it a competition. Suppose I broke my leg and was in extreme pain... would saying "I broke both legs before, such it up" help in any way? Would my own pain magically diminish? Nope. The person with the single broken leg still experiences pain, which you should know is extremely subjective and different for each unique circumstance. Dismissing one person's pains because you perceive your own pain to be greater is a pathetic way of hurting everybody.

[@0mn1vore]

Luc Mailloux +

[@jakewilson910]

My parents are abusive and I'm not happy!!! I'm 25 years old and I don't like being treated like I'm 9, 15 and 16. I'm a man and I'm grown. I love my parents but they're way too hard on me.

[@TheFox517]

My grandma was (and still kinda is) emotionally abuse, but my mom is pretty much one of the best parents in the wrold. No overly high expectations, no dumb restrictions, when she doesn't understand something, she admits it. It's a real shame it's not the norm.

[@Mrjonnyjonjon123]

Honestly I think the reason I'm not really agressive is because the last people I want to be on this planet is my parents

[@videakias3000]

my mom was abused as a kid but she turned out to a very nice loving mother to me and my sister.

[@esthersorenson9572]

Wow - this is really pivotal for me: "But the effect basically went away for people who were only abused as young children, when they were less than 12 years old. So they seemed more likely to escape the cycle of violence." (1:07 - 1:16) I thought I broke the level of abuse on my own, but the truth is, my mom stopped abusing me when I was almost 12. She kind of left me alone, maybe because she made personal changes and her life situation was better.

[@gracieminabox]

I really, really like Brit as a host. She's always so engaging.

[@vickymc9695]

It would be interesting to know what the risk factors were for a person who was abused at a young age, and into adolescence. Guessing more studies needed. (Really hoping it's not over 40%).

[@rumplstiltztinkerstein]

I don't think it's like flipping a coin. But mostly that since abusive parents don't teach their children how to be respectful and a positive influence to their children, they grow without understanding that. I focus about learning how to have a happy life myself so that I can help my children find their happiness as well. While we can't be sure we will be bad parents, we can't be 100% sure we will be good parents as well. Always being careful about our actions, since our intentions doesn't justify them.

[@shmuelparzal]

I think it depends on what your underlying, natural personality is. I had an abusive home, suffered greatly as a child, but my natural personality is shy and withdrawn (also have Aspergers), so I haven't become an abusive person myself.However, my experiences have affected me for life, despite having undergone therapy many times.

[@RoseDragoness]

My mom tells about terrible punishment done by a teacher to kids (licking toilets) with concern, I tell her studies says any violence punishment including that one doesn't teach children. She agrees that conducting violence to children make them violent, but then laments that nowadays teachers get in trouble for hitting a troubled kid. I was a victim of her violence long time ago, she especially hates it when I cry and hit me to stop me crying. I do not cry anymore. I do not show my feelings besides that I am easily annoyed. I have difficulty to express why I am angry, sad, or anything else. She does not know that. One of reasons why I do not want to have a kids because I know I will be easily stressed out of parenting.

[@jamesmunroe9129]

if you watch house md, from 2004, i believe it was 3rd season. they tell you every word of this lol. It's amazing how many things all of a sudden were "learning" that was on that show a decade ago.

[@jamesmunroe9129]

keep telling yourself that lol. Word for word

[@Sarah-zj3sl]

Great video. I really like this host.

[@jaynedavis3388]

I was always scared I’d hurt a child (emotionally or physically, not sexually) but I’ve got a bunch of nieces & nephews who adore me. I’ve only raised my voice at a child once in 14 years & I held her while she cried it out. It seems like that may be because my abuser died before I reached my teens

[@segir187]

Could you please make a video on why do we think our groups are better than other groups?

[@shanec3098]

Fool proof way of not being an abuse parent: Don't be a parent. That's my plan.

[@pendlera2959]

You can still be an abusive boss, spouse, coach, etc. Any situation where you have authority or influence over another person. The problem is being abusive, not being an abusive parent.

[@welwitschia]

I know this is a serious topic and I should be making serious comments, but man! Brit's new haircut is amazing! She looks really good with that style.

[@Kakkarot211]

Just like MGS one said,"the important thing is that you can choose the type of life you want to live and then live."

[@2ndGenBen]

The word “abusive” is extremely subjective, some of these people may have been beaten half-to-death and some may have been breathed on the wrong way.

[@sprochamaedli]

Yay, she’s back :)

[@iiiiii4064]

Yes

[@MakeMeThinkAgain]

It would be interesting to compare children who had ONLY witnessed violent/abusive behavior in their own family with children who had witnessed that in multiple situations. Either other family members or the families of other people in the community. I would expect the correlation with next generation violence to be higher the more often they got the violent message.

[@6Benni9]

Can someone expand on what I am thinking about please as I do not understand it completely. Could some people not turn into the complete opposite of what they experienced? For example becoming more compassionate and empathetic towards others rather than using abuse to get their ways. I grew up with abuse (domestic, emotional, physical, alcohol, self harm suicidial thoughts, debts- the list goes on) BUT I am not violent. Top end academics always, and want to integrate the health industry and fitness industry because they are inter-connected

[@6Benni9]

Curry Munch ahhh my brother is more like that than I am, so it can really come down to the individual's response to the stimuli

[@6Benni9]

Curry Munch we both had relationships with our dad, he however continues the cycle that he is a part of whereas I do not replicate negative behaviours. I just wonder if there are reasons as to why some people respond to that with better attitudes

[@6Benni9]

Curry Munch yes I can see that in him, as well appearing to feel hard done by the world

[@Fakan]

Avoiding specific details, my mom and her five siblings were all victims of abuse by their father. The three men all grew up to be incredibly violent and abusive, while the two women became the exact opposite, absolutely terrified of mimicking that behavior. Same goes for the one daughter we know of from one of my uncles, although I believe she's admitted coming close to mimicking her abusive father. I'm not saying any of this is indicative of anything, only adding my own family history.

[@tinaflintstone8148]

I was raised by my single mother who was somewhat of a ‘Puppet Master ‘ and we were her puppets. And, as an adult looking back, I believe that she, perhaps unwittingly, had a ‘Divide And Conquer’ method of parenting. Although she did abuse and neglect us (5 children) , she would mostly turn us against each other. If she was upset, annoyed, or angry with one of her children, she would turn the rest of us against that person. She would encourage us to be mean and mistreat that person and would reward us ( in some way ~ like giving a smile or a little attention) if we were “on her side”. She would ‘inspire’ us with cruelty, like for example, my brother, Robbie, had a small speech impediment because his mouth would make too much saliva. I remember her often saying to me with a small smile, “Call him Slobby Robbie. That’ll get him!” In addition, she would “Gas Light” me (I later assumed she did it to all of us) by telling us things like, “There’s something wrong with you. Normal people don’t think like you do.” Therefore, I never questioned her methods or behavior because she had taught me that my thoughts were wrong and I was not normal. She had no use for us unless she wanted something that we could provide. When I was 15 years ago my mother kicked me out of the house because I had cut a couple of days from school. After being homeless for over a year and after a lot of begging and groveling on my part, I was allowed to return home - for a while. She always had us vying for her attention and doing whatever was necessary to make her happy in hopes of her loving us. I’m an old woman now and she is still alive. When I was middle aged, I finally walked away from her, as well as my siblings, because it was a very unhealthy dynamic. I miss my mother, and my siblings, too. And, I’m lonely, but I’m also healthier for breaking all ties with my family.

[@PhoenixtheII]

Choice? Family tree ends with me, too fucked up that even not wanting the things i'm unaware of, and unconsiously do, breaking down, is not good for a kid.

[@liz-du1xz]

I was abused my whole childhood but could never commit to it. Now that im 15 i have been learning a lot about this topic and my biggest fear is turning out just like my parents and treating kids the way they treated me. So i chose to not have children and only raise dogs :)

[@juliaprohaska9295]

99.9% of people who decided to rate this video approved. 👏👏Good Job👍👏👏

[@rewer]

While i’m a pessimistic person, however i do believe with enough mental strength, you can control what’s happened at your parents not to inherit to you. We choose our own path.

[@thstroyur]

Also with enough mental strength you can bend spoons w/o touching 'em; if you can't, you didn't use strength enuff

[@yuhyuh7603]

Lol go home Disney

[@hopemjacquet]

That dress looks so pretty on you!

[@josepablolopez604]

Wait... so even the mildest physical punishment counts as abuse?

[@christelheadington1136]

That's where a lot of people have taken it. My parents would give me & my siblings a slap on the rear, but it always stopped at that. If it didn't do us any harm, just set boundaries.(Mom said it was why,"The good Lord padded us so well, down there."

[@carbonman8178]

It's not easy to break the cycle even if determined to not be the same. As you can't consciously manage your behaviour continously, you are bound to slip up and revert to your default aquired behaviour without even knowing. It's not necessarily what going to happen but it's unfortunately the most likely.

[@jessicaharris1608]

Carbon Man That's why a victim needs therapy and training to learn how to cope with life and break the cycle and learn a new healthy way.

[@weathermayne61]

This is... upsetting. Also, I've always thought caffine was a gateway drug.