Does my ANGER make me as bad as the narcissist?

NORTH CAROLINA RETREAT
November 1-3, 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@NarcSurvivor]

Narcissists will do anything to get a reaction out of you. When they make you angry, they calm down. Because then they can point the finger at you and blame you. They disown parts of themselves that they don’t like and then assign them to you. They deflect their anger and shame on to you.

[@GinaCruz56]

😢😢😢I couldn’t understand his before, and he would get aroused while I was trying to regulate myself after he had purposely triggered me. Weird spirit he had!

[@bryguy4golf]

I would experience this with my exwife(narcissitic borderline) a lot. She would do things or push until id get super angry then should would completely calm down and belittle me or accuse me of "yelling" anytime i said anything she didnt want to hear.

[@joeprimal2044]

@@bryguy4golfYeah, exactly the same for me, except I suck at golf. 😂

[@GodBlessUsEveryone-yg8vf]

I thought it might be that they'd shared their 😈 demons (aka "negative &/or dark energy") with another 🤔 thereby feeling some relief from the turmoil inside tgem?

[@dbt2910]

Thank you. What you said is a new insight for me. I'm observing that happening but don't know why. You clarified things.

[@youngblood8540]

I'm not responsible for what my face does when the narcissist talks.

[@cymbolichuman433]

I bought a niece a t-shirt that said: "are my eyes rolling?"

[@jshelley4592]

😂

[@jodycasey6936]

BEST COMMENT EVER❤ 😂 I will remember this tonight when I watch the debate!❤

[@LSMH528Hz]

Learned to have a "pokerface", narcissists really don't like it.

[@morgainnejade]

​@@LSMH528Hz decades before I was ever to hear any terms such as "grey rock", I managed to pull this off exactly once as a young teen with my narcy grandparents on one of their many hours long rage & berating sessions, euphemistically masked as "having a talk". 🙄 OmG the new level of being incensed was positively _stratospheric_! Even though I was never able to pull it off again in that way, it was absolutely **DELICIOUS!!!*** Also, SCREW the people that want to blame us for daring to react to all of the abuse!

[@matthewwozniak9138]

I don't want to be around people that belittle or yell at me. I definitely don't want to be that way to other people.

[@Goddess.Cash7]

I feel like crap after yelling or being mean to someone. I know what you mean.

[@Eldot5]

⁠@@Goddess.Cash7 I feel like crap after being yelled at and being treated in a mean way. I know what you mean. Unfortunately, the narcissist doesn’t feel that way at all, and it’s even more crappy.

[@carparthero]

anger is a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. use the anger as a tool to tell you when it's time to leave and after you've left you may still feel angry, but it is a necessary step in healing. if you try to suppress the anger out of guilt or shame you won't completely heal. use the frustration after the exit, as a commitment to making sure the narcissist experience doesn't happen again in your life. i'm not going to let a troubled, emotional vampire determine what i'm going to be, or ruin my future happiness. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@BushraS-zl6gi]

Lovely spot-on thoughts!

[@psalm148.1]

You have just explained the carousel of emotions I've experienced for 12 years. Stuffing emotions down, getting to the point of anger due to baiting/gaslighting/slander/etc, leading to boiling over &expressing that anger inappropriately😭, then repeated apologies and deep intense guilt over My handling of things. And ultimately, repeatedly, constantly worried that I am the Narcissist. Someone finally understands.

[@caroleminke6116]

You were the emotions the narcissist fed off from for energy & regulation but without that supply they’d be nothing at all

[@1969kellyp]

I feel your pain. Same here

[@Azysbeauty]

Same 😕

[@CobraDove1111]

Yup!!

[@MrsEd-fh2gs]

"...and then the lion's share of regulating the anger falls on you." Too bad the medical community, law enforcement and the court system doesn't recognize this. Luckily narcissistic abuse is slowly being introduced as a legitimate form of abuse. Time for the world to wake up to the fact that physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that can take a person's life or livelihood.

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s truly the domestic violence cycle template but then we’re not far from wife beating being just fine as it was when I grew up! Once went to the state police with a black eye the last time my father hit me & was told they don’t DO domestic violence

[@MrsEd-fh2gs]

@@caroleminke6116 Wow. What did they expect you to do?! If you are anything like me you grew up with the notion that these people/professionals were suppose to protect and serve, or at the very least quickly refer you to someone who could help you so as to not send you back to someone like a lamb to the slaughter. When my elderly father was going through the early stages of dementia I was in my 30s and living at home yet had to walk on eggshells as not to upset him. Translation: I was subjected to the same rules that applied to me when I was 15 years old which meant a curfew of being home before it got dark or midnight by the latest depending on the weather and the activity. Any "failure" on my part was met with instant rage and blaming as soon as I walked in the door. He would make himself so upset he would blame me for his high blood pressure and heart condition if I failed at following his orders. My mother always tried but could do nothing to calm him down or stop his raging. One time I knew I would be home very late and I knew how upset he would be. I stopped by my local police station and asked for a patrol car to follow me home because I was that afraid of my father. The police asked me how old I was. I said "Thirty-(whatever)." They said "But you're legally an adult." I replied "But to my dad it doesn't matter. I'm afraid he might hurt me " Luckily they agreed to follow me home. And of course my dad was already angrily waiting at the front door for me. When I got out of my car in the driveway I waved at the patrol car and they drove off. I told my dad I had the cops follow me home because I was afraid of what you would do to me once I got home. There was no argument THAT night, but there were others later on in public places where the local cops had to drive by because his anger would get the better of him. That was the only thing that could stop my dad from escalating into who knows what. It's too bad these days the cops won't get involved unless it's a kidnapping or attempted homicide, but there are usually warning signs that are often ignored by the courts, social services, and law enforcement. Sometimes neighbors don't even want to get involved.

[@MrsEd-fh2gs]

For the record I wasn't trying to trigger him by coming home after 2 o'clock in the morning. It was a two hour commute both ways and it was one delay after another, as what sometimes happens with a night out with friends. Between the time I was able to leave the house and the "reasonable" time my father expected me home, it would have only left me with about 90 minutes to spend with my friends, barely enough time to have a nice dinner and watch a movie.

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

Being chronically betrayed in a relationship is not healthy. In addition, with other elements, variables and factors that contribute to the imbalance of power and toxicity. It’s better to be alone than with a bad companion.

[@ronaldbadami8556]

Absolutely. Social constructs of one's personal life plays into how you react and heal. Great content. Not easy for everyone. Great point!

[@Grands-1234]

Yes the anger brings reality to what one has tolerated!! have been able to see this for what it is...Im dis engaging more and more.. Landed a wonderful part time job ... love what I do.. this has helped a lot.. He plays the vicim ( both are retired). His response " I know you just want to get away from me!!!

[@bronwyntanner4501]

I was the reactive abuser. I screamed and shouted and ranted and raged and swore violently He behaved like the victim/martyr after baiting me and pushing me to the edge of insanity Free for seven years. Not one angry day

[@nybella17girl]

Same. My ex broke up with me for this. He said he couldn't take it anymore. Even though he cheated and lied regularly throughout 4 years. REALLY??!! He couldn't take the reactions but how did he think I felt being on this side of the cheating and lies.

[@lrose898]

After walking on egg-shells and never feeling I could safely express myself for 60 years, my anger finally exploded. My sister was as calm as could be (I could almost feel her smiling through the phone). She was actually enjoying it. I knew I would never speak to her again and I haven't, but she hasn't hesitated in letting me know (via email) how many people she has communicated with that are so surprised at how I tricked them into thinking I was a good person (including my mother who has dementia). I was always considered the good and helpful child who never caused any problems, so the shame afterwards at my own anger was very real. Thank you Doctor Ramani for helping me to let this go.

[@maggamoosie801]

Same! 60 yrs of it and I just KNOW my sister was smiling on the other end..lol. She wrote in my yearbook, 'Always stay as sweet as you are now.' I'll' bet! The doormat has left.

[@Byebandit50]

Keep ignoring her. My mother does the same Haven’t spoken to her in years and it’s been a blessing

[@snn2913]

Same, @54 years, in midst of it now.

[@LynneSimpson-mm3us]

OMGoodness,, what a cruel person she is! Gossip and smearing your good name. You are a good person! Hopefully those other people will realize that it is your sister who is unhealthy. I can relate in that I'm co-dependent, a people-pleaser all my life, never wanting any conflict.. Just learning how to stand up for myself, as 72 years old.

[@caroleminke6116]

Dangerous siblings are scary & now that I am no contact with them I sleep a lot better

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Good question. My parents' behavior has brought out the worst in me

[@abigailkendrick]

Me too

[@delightfullydotty7130]

Me too. I really do become someone I don’t like. I’m constantly trying to think of ways to put my elderly narc mother in her place without without triggering her behaviours. I wouldn’t in a million years dream of doing that to anyone else. She knows she holds all the power because I’m autistic and have chronic fatigue so I really don’t want to be written out of her will. She threatens me all the time because she doesn’t want me to leave her house even though I hear her muttering about how much she hates me!😩😩😩

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

@@delightfullydotty7130she might write you out of the will anyway. But I’d watch what I say to her too

[@delightfullydotty7130]

@@SherryTomlinson-r2y she’s just drawn me into another argument. Flatly denied the threat she made yesterday so I’ve told her that she can do whatever she likes but I will assume I’ve been written out of the will. I think I have to leave.

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

@@delightfullydotty7130 I hear you narcs are so nasty. Even in their death they want to stick it to you! Do what you need to do. Be careful!

[@oliviaramos8606]

I think my anger/rage/apology cycle came from grief… so sad to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have now accepted she is not well and aging, and staying away is my best cure. I’ll choose anger and sanity over submission and gaslighting any day. Toxic relationships of any kind will take a huge toll. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.

[@orielwiggins2225]

Very important distinction and validation. It's healthy and normal to be angry at injustice, it's not healthy to lash out because you're angry.

[@magicbuns4868]

Yeah exactly. I'm still learning self-control, but rage is lack of control. We have to learn to control our bad emotions, but not to suppress them.

[@turnbacktime65]

Well said! Thanks.❤

[@user-rh9uk7wk3l]

That depends on why you’re anger. We tend to feel emotions from something like a trigger or a flashback. Anger in and of itself doesn’t exist. There’s always a meaning to your madness.

[@michele0324]

THANK YOU for normalizing "healthy anger expression". I was raised by a parent who frowned upon "emoting" and forbade the expression of anger all the while she had fits of rage on a near daily basis. As an adult I use my words to express my anger and whenever my voice gets a little bit higher and louder I automatically feel shame for verbalizing my anger.

[@GeminiGemini2478]

The relationships with narcissistic people that I've had that make me the most angry is that it's been impossible for me to have a basic solid foundation to build on. They just do careless, destructive things and so I have had to spend my energy never getting out of the basic things, when I know if they weren't like that we'd all be in a better place by now.

[@judywinters8615]

even a friendship or roommate is almost impossible. truly it is ( they are dangerous)

[@GeminiGemini2478]

@@judywinters8615 I believe you. I had an upstairs neighbor in my apartment building who was a single mom like me, and I was thinking it would be so great to have a single mom friend/neighbor. It turned out she was constantly looking for people she could sue for something. There were a lot of other things, like digging thru my garbage to find something she could use to steal my identity, etc.

[@GmaMom]

@@GeminiGemini2478 They will never not be like this……they won’t change no matter what you do.

[@cheriacarroll2460]

I want Dr. Ramani as my therapist. She’s so good and empathetic.

[@GmaMom]

They provoke you for entertainment!🤬

[@sarahgwenable]

This is so true!!!! I thought that the Cluster B person would only do so , if sadistic tendencies are in the "game"... Not Sure now. Any advice?

[@sarahgwenable]

Ideas ob that topic?

[@GmaMom]

@@sarahgwenable Don’t take the bait! Walk away…..imagine they are invisible. Don’t engage with them at all! If possible, leave!!

[@janepoppet3843]

My partner kept goading me in conversations to overexplain. It would reach the point I'd end up in tears and so frustrated that I a) wasn't getting my point across, and b) second guessing everything I'd just said. Then, once I was upset (and so confused), they'd start laughing and tell me "it's too easy, I just wanted to see how long I could keep you going for". It took me to go to healing programmes for ACONs to hear from a psychologist that this was cruel and my husband (besides my parent) was emotionally abusing me.

[@GmaMom]

@@janepoppet3843 The point is…there is no point. It’s for entertainment purposes only. They are sick. They will make you sick if they can suck you into their insanity…..It’s a vicious cycle. The best thing to do is don’t say anything, don’t have conversations….it will only bring misery.

[@bryguy4golf]

My X(diagnosed borderline) would constantly accuse me of yelling or being abusive any time i challenge their behavior. If i went way out of my to use to a calm voice and repress my anger I was being "condescending"

[@claireluckensmeyer7489]

I know this tune 😕

[@jackiep5009]

Ah yes the always wrong. I also hike wrong and ask wrong

[@CobraDove1111]

EXACTLY

[@crysbnax7565]

This!

[@SusanDonoho]

Anger that is not a bad emotional hygiene issue, comes from needs not being met. So look at that issue… and get your needs met (ethically, morally, and responsibly, with new people if needed)

[@naturetalks11]

None of the things that makes you angry will ever get resolved because no proper communications will takes place. So understand and take care of your own health.

[@pablopiccasso4738]

I have just experienced this anger. I was feeling so ashamed of the emotional dysregulation that happened within me. It exhausted me. I have drawn and redrawn boundaries over the years with my narcissistic grandmother and mother. I have been no contact for one year. Now, they are reaching me by injecting themselves in unhealthy ways into my daughters life, whom i still am raising. Its so hard to get rid of these vampires.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This happened in my last serious relationship. I was a happy easy going person to start, then after years of all his awful unhealthy behaviour, where he gaslit me with everything he did, including cheating, excessive drinking, lying, money issues etc….then I became super tense and angry. Then he criticized me for that too. It’s a no win awful situation. Others have done this to me too. Learning to embrace and harness my anger to motivate me to get things done and that I am allowed to feel angry! Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@dk5755]

Oh yes, feeling angry all the time. Caused by resentment, betrayal, injustice and feeling trapped in my situation. My anger was then used against me as yet one more thing that I was blamed for. I was the problem, ALWAYS! I needed to change and learn to be more like him (his words)!

[@sparkygump]

When you finally have had enough and blow your top, narcs automatically flip to victim mode. "Why are you so mean?!" smh

[@user-ug6ij9jx8w]

My favorite is when you call them out for something harmful that they are doing to you or another person and they come at you with "It hurts my feelings when you say things like that" or "How could you think so little of me"

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

Never again. It’s relieving when a narc finds new supply to victimize.

[@caroleminke6116]

Sad but true

[@turnbacktime65]

Me, too.

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

I met my ex husbands gf when he came to see my son. I told her Thank you and I didn't mean to. I really wanted to tell her to buckle up. She broke up with him a couple of times in a short time.

[@harrietharding]

Thank you so much for helping me to finally understand what my anger has meant and why!! . When I was little, I was told that I was "hot-headed" when I would finally react. As an adult, I was told "Well, you know how you get"(my finally reacting with anger)as a reason for the relationship not working. Now, at 70, I am finally able to clearly see the truth and let go of all the self-loathing, etc. Many years of individual therapy helped but in retrospect I see that I was feeling like I was the problem in my family & relationships...thinking "if I could just control my anger" things would be so much better. Ty❤

[@ia9259]

When I was a kid my mother used to tell me horrible stuff and even insult my father and watch me until I couldn't handle it and react, she'd say you cannot control yourself and she sent me to therapy and would tell me I was crazy, I realized decades later how sick this was

[@sheila1366]

My mother used to do the same. When I was 13 or 14 years old, at dinner one night my older brother did something that made be very angry. I don't remember what it was but I was so angry I wanted to hit him. I think I made a motion to slug him but I didn't. Instead I shouted at him that he was lucky I had good self control. My mother's reaction was instantaneous. She roared with laughter. For my mother, I was too quick tempered, too sensitive, too out of control. I needed to learn to ignore people who did things that upset me because that was the only way to make it stop, she often told me. (Never mind that much of this teasing and harassment was instigated by her.) My father's reaction her laughter was just as swift. He told her to knock it off. In no uncertain terms. He rarely challenged her behavior in front of us kids. It was one of the few times my anger was acknowledged as reasonable and my response did not make me a bad person. It did more to steady by teenage emotions that anything anyone has ever said or done for me. It was with this interaction I began to realize that my emotions (anger, hurt, distress) were not necessarily a me problem.

[@huyhritter1724]

I love the grounded reality of this channel!!! Retirement took a toll on my finances, but with my involvement in the digital market, $47,000 weekly returns has been life changing. AWESOME GOD❤️

[@KuramaUchiha-id1ow]

Massive! Been trying to trade on my own for a while now, but it isn't going well. few months ago I lost about $8,500 in the trade. Can you please at least advise me on what to do?

[@huyhritter1724]

@@KuramaUchiha-id1owMaria Angelina Alexander I really appreciate her efforts and transparency.

[@huyhritter1724]

Giving her my initial savings of $12,000 to invest in a brokerage account was a turning point in my life. It's been an incredibly rewarding experience and the best decision I ever made!

[@amalmberg13]

This is a definition of God's unending provisions for his people. God remains faithful to his words. I receive this for my household.🙏

[@chloepackens4455]

Investing can be a powerful tool for building wealth and securing financial stability especially in this hard time. but it’s important to understand that it’s not without its challenges. The investment landscape is inherently volatile, with periods of both gains and losses. This variability is a natural part of investing and requires a clear strategy and patience to navigate effectively.

[@gavinwilliams1687]

This is so validating thank you 🙏

[@beingilluminous]

I appreciate this video so much. When I lived with my mother, (I just escaped last winter), I was not allowed to raise my voice or get angry-she told me that was “abusive”. She told me this after I had an autistic meltdown that I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. Up till this point, I was solely working on how “bad” I was. A while later, I found out through a mutual connection that she told people I hit her, when I hit the couch near her, when I couldn’t contain it anymore. I had repressed myself to live as a “perfect doll” for so long. Since being away, having a stable partner (going through his own trauma recovery), being *allowed* to get mad, have my feelings validated, and heard, I have been able to get so much FREEDOM from my ptsd triggers. Now I can handle a lot more *normal* interactions without hyper vigilance for being hyper aware of others. I am still in a bit of shock of how I can regulate myself, how much I DONT spiral, how my meltdowns and shutdowns are getting more rare each day. It’s been work, and in the *right* environment, can make a life feel like we died and went to heaven, compared to what we have been through. Healing from decades of smear campaigns and “nice to my face” betrayals, and I finally feel *free*. My anger is divine, because it protects me. MY choice to respect MYself and another, if they are worthy of my anger, is the power getting free allows. Thank you so much for these videos and the healing the have assisted with 🎉

[@judewuski]

11:15 The narcissistic relationship often brings up anger because we are powerless and helpless. Anger is a reminder that is not a good feeling, but it all comes down to finding those ways to express it. The feeling is fine. Again it's the *expression* that matters. A person can be 11:36 angry AND empathic AND self-aware AND 11:41 not entitled AND not grandiose AND not 11:44 manipulative. 11:45 Keep that clear for yourself and recognize that most of us feel angry in these relationships but we often suppress it and that's not good for us either….. thanks again

[@IanM-id8or]

No, not even close. Anger is an appropriate response to the abuse we've endured. Narcissists project their faults onto you.

[@dimitrid1096]

Who Sent Dr Ramani to earth ? What a wonderful treasure she is 🙏🙏✨Thanks a lot Dr Ramani ✨

[@TorgerVedeler]

Very helpful. I’ve found that always taking the blame and responsibility in conflicts, whether with a narcissist or not, just buried it inside me. This is very unhealthy. We all need a place and a way to shout and rage sometimes, just as we need a place to laugh and cry.

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

We need our anger and it is a very transformative emotion if we learn how to use it and process it assertively and constructively, unfortunately when you are constantly exposed to dealing with narcisists your emotional health is at risk, it’s often too much to bear which is why we should try to limit our contact with those toxic people to the minimum or go completely no contact if possible.

[@yukio_saito]

The runner-chaser dynamic is the core of the twin-flame fallacy. It's just the representation of the trauma-bonded cycle. 🌀

[@shainanash8518]

Thanks Dr. Ramani for giving me peace. I have prayed for so many years to just not wake up from my sleep. I cannot get out. I have gotten out before and I loose everything. I need my rescue dogs and this narc pays half the bills. I cannot affront all. I am 67 and disabled. I have radical acceptance. I am angry but I am not the problem. The narcissist is malignant.He is the problem,. I will gray rock him again.

[@abigailkendrick]

The timing of this.. I finally snapped in verbal tone with my covert extremely passive aggressive boomer mother who constantly uses guilt self pity etc. and can never communicate directly. This has been my relationship with my covert mother my whole life since I was a child. And everyone always felt sorry for her until I was old enough to have friends who saw her for who she is and let me know. I really needed this video.

[@dbt2910]

Omg, same as you. Sigh.

[@spacegirl226]

THE SAME HERE. THE EXACT SAME. I am sorry you had to deal with that misery.

[@Byebandit50]

I’ve been no contact for 2 years Best decision ever

[@BeanosWorld]

This describes my last marriage so exactly, except that I didn't feel I was PART of the problem, she had me convinced I WAS the problem. If I said she sounded angry she would explain I misinterpreted. She would verbally goad and push me but claim it was all in my mind and I was just the angry person. It was only after the marriage ended by her decision I came across your videos and everything started to become clear

[@sarahgwenable]

Regarding traumabonding, a very specific trait a observed is, imagine a long term relationship, your partner gets ill, a flue or whatever, you and or i, we try to help, support, soothe.... Then, when you/i are infected, they get irritated, start a fight, leave you all alone with high fever, tasks, ...to come back, after a few days, sit on your bed, give excuses, pretend the love you and would love to help. Afer you died several deaths, on your own. This is really crazy. I only had longterm relationships. ..

[@aDoraDesign-hn9cu]

Very helpful. Thank u. Now when I get angry … first stage… I can know why and can watch the behaviour and shield appropriately. My son who is in a trauma bond relationship blew up at me a few weeks ago. I could see it was pent up from his relationship dynamic. But he isn’t ready for the truth yet. I’ve closed the door on his partner, which resulted in not seeing my son or grandchildren. Hoping that will change one day and that my son will see the truth of what’s really going on. I took myself out of the game for my health and wellness and this channel has helped me see narcissistic abuse in others. I am Developing a keen radar and anger rising up in me will be one of the signs for me to be alert and watchful.

[@Judyjlefebvre]

100% how I felt my emotions were highjacked by these narcisissits. I tried and tried expressing how angry I was feeling and then more angry for feeling like I wasn't understood. I got so horribly frustrated trying to reach my siblings and my adult kids with how they were treating me with passive aggressiveness, bullying, belittling, mocking, & namecalling. Estrangement is peaceful. Years of suppressing so much trauma brought on all kinds of autoimmune diseases. Thanks to my very toxic abusive people of my past.

[@sherricoffman]

ThankYou Doctor Ramani !!! ❤ 🕊 ⚜🕯 MuchLove

[@calinygirl8576]

So validating for me! Thank you!! Keep doing the good work Dr. 😊

[@oceanwoods]

It’s an endless cycle of personal hell

[@user-oy6oy1te3f]

Dr .Ramani , You are a gem . Thank you soooo very much for addressing this .

[@susanbenson3232]

This is exactly where I was stuck, for yrs! I could see it, hated it, but kept reacting with anger. I was the scapegoat of a narc mom who lied, & made things up, to punish me, beat me regularly, for 12 yrs, treated me like a slave, mocked me, etc, & I just kept trying to be better. At 19, I married (frying pan to fire) who I now know, 43 yrs later, as a covert narc who had 3 co-existing addictions, for 14 out of the last 15 yrs, & for multiple reasons, I am still in this non marriage. Yep, thought I must be a narc, too. BUT, I have *finally* learned that I expected myself to get along with him, & there is no getting along. He has no rules, & no value or respect for me. So, I now set hard boundaries, am making my own life, do NOT expect change, & have come to radical acceptance! Only took me 62 yrs! 😅 I've gotten so much help from people, like you & others, here on KZbin, & a great counselor who understands damage from narcs! Press on, survivors, & become a thriver! We need to put our energy into ourselves & healthy relationships!

[@lindastark8836]

Interacting with an emotionally dishonest person like your narcissist partner creates anger in you. I ultimately had to do the difficult work of accepting my own emotional dishonesty. I was staying in an impossible relationship out of shame and learned maladaptive behaviors and terrible modeling from my collapsed enabling mother and raging father. Coming to terms with that was hands down the hardest thing I have had to face so far - and I'm 60. Yes - getting out of the trauma-bonded narcissistic relationship is a pure heroic feat of emotional strength and resilience. You are catapulting yourself out of the family of origin's pattern imprinted in you - yay - videos like this help so much!! ♥

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I am often told by my mom if I ever express any valid upset from hurtful things to ‘not get mad’. It drives me bonkers. When she in fact raged and abused us growing up and never takes responsibility. I allow myself to feel, safely express to safe people and manage my anger. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@spacegirl226]

My mother was like this too. Growing up she was the only one allowed to express her anger, and she did it ALL THE TIME, breathing fire over everyone in the family and not once stopping and considering that maybe she needed to take a moment and STFU. It was misery. I'm sorry you experienced that too.

[@OGRocker1]

Spot on as usual Doc. ... I can't tell you how much your videos have help me, and how glad and relieved I was to happen upon them after 43yrs in a covert Narc marriage... We "celebrate, maybe, ... lol, our 44 anniversary this month... Understanding the situation has made it easier and maybe better ... I gave my Vows to God "in sickness or in health" You have helped me greatly to keep them. THANK YOU... To the younger crowd it is different for you, and to the Woman, extremely hard and abusive, my prayer go out for you... Take care, stay safe 🙏🥲

[@danielcarruth8349]

Blaming the people getting bullied, again and again and again

[@user-ug6ij9jx8w]

I was told that I am not ALLOWED to be angry with my mother and whenever my father would attack me and I tried to verbally defend myself I was told to "Get the base out of my voice" I was silenced and forced into compliance from a young age by people who knew if it wasnt for their manipulation tactics, they would never 'win' the argument.

[@rostamr4096]

This is so true, this anger had caused me to be irritable at work and take the anger to my work. This has negatively affected my relationship with my manager and coworker...Thank you for your videos.

[@WritingArcadia]

Anger against a source of harm is righteous, because that anger is an understanding that being harmed is wrong and needs to stop. Therefore, the answer is to get total separation from the source of harm.

[@RavnThor]

Thank you, Dr Ramani Im struggling with rage fits and i suppress so much. I know my coping skills and have a holistic approach to self care and wellness. However, scarce resources and access to those resources has made things more retraumatizing. As a former counselor...its difficult to find a competent multiculturally aware counselor in this area where i live. I miss being a counseler.

[@MauiP23]

My anger was what made me leave the relationship in the end because I realized that anger was there all the time - every day - and that it had changed and influenced my personality. Thank you for the explanation, Dr. R., it is so helpful in working through that trauma.❤️‍🩹

[@241christie]

Your videos are always so helpful . I am in this exact cycle right now . After 21 years of going through ALL the cycles and behaviors you speak about , the physical and emotional and verbal abuse, the rages .. trying everything to make my marriage work .. therapy, changing myself, begging him to change , making excuses .. even to the point of just accepting this is just what it’s going to be .. and feeling like “I’m tough .. I can take it “ and then I read your book and the sentence “ You shouldn’t be good at taking a punch .. “ really hit me .. And I finally got pissed .. I told him I’m done , I disengaged , but I am not financially able to leave yet .. once he realized I meant it this time .. and he no longer had access to me like he used to , once he realized his normal tactics weren’t working this time .. he switches from hoovering to anger to blaming me because i’m now the one not willing to try to save the marriage .. now he wants to change etc .. But it just makes me so angry now .. and I am not myself .. I’m agitated, I’m angry, I blow up at him .. and he tells me I’m the narcissist, I have anger issues, I’m crazy , I’m ruining everyone’s lives ( ours and our children) , I’m selfish .. And I’m having such a hard time with all of it and managing all of the different emotions .

[@lizkrinsky5209]

Oh yeah. Mom was a raging toxic narcissist. At the end of 2008, my brother and I both lost decent jobs, like so many others during that time. We didn't breathe a word to that woman because we KNOW without any kind of doubt, that she would use our situation as fodder to tell her friends how she "worried about us" (making it all about her, of course) and making it seem like it was up to here to help. Just to let it be known right here that we NEVER asked for help from her EVER because we learned at a very young age that taking anything from here, no matter how small, even if it was a gift in what would normally be a gift-giving time (Christmas, birthdays etc.) that ANYTHING she gave had strings attached. Even the food we ate we were supposed to be grateful for, or the roof over our heads. We held it all in because you couldn't say ANYTHING without her anger. I got sent home from school with the mumps and got screamed at because mom "couldn't be home sick, SHE had to work blah blah blah. Trust me when I say we NEVER wanted to be home sick no matter how sick we might be because there was no rest. When I got older if I was sick I just found a quiet place in the library and tried to get rest. And through it all we held it I , through migraines, ulcers, and finally a couple of seizures. When we lost our jobs at the end of 2008, my brother and I decided to share a tiny apartment, live as cheaply as humanly possible and everything that wasn't nailed down and took whatever jobs we could to survive. We stopped speaker to her and got burn phones so she couldn't harass us. She found people who found us and harassed us to the point WE had to pay for a lawyer to keep her and her flying monkeys away from us. It got very nasty and even THEN she wouldn't let up and she made sure that AFTER SHE DUED, her flying monkeys kept it up and we held it in. And finally, we couldn't hold it any more and let it out... which we shouldn't have done because no one believes you. I cut out a lot of people from my life. I also don't allow people in. I found out accidentally that wearing large glasses (I wear progressive lenses so I need a decent focal amount). About that time a lot of improvements have been made to lenses that darken in light... they now even have mirrored versions, voila! I finally got the privacy I always wanted since wearing a medieval style helmet with a visor isn't socially acceptable. So THEY don't get to get a good look at my eyes. A little but it leaves them guessing. All they can see are my lips that I usually wear red lipstick on. The rest is a mystery and my god how that pusses them off. I've even had a particularly nasty narc try to rip them off of my face and then threw the shades open to let "light in" so I could take them off. Too damned bad. You don't want me to be angry? You don't think that I have the right to be angry? Fine. Then you don't get to come in and judge. IF you are decent and honest, then I may lift my visor and let my shield down and jet you in. Otherwise, eff off and leave me to my books and my dog. I've leaned to live without many people and after being raised by a narcissist my needs are spartan. I work with the elderly as a caregiver and I DO actually care. I'm a nurturing person who has given to others my entire life. But my private self, when not at work, is just that. I've dealt with the anger and now I just want my little bit of peace and my space. I've learned to expect nothing and that's okay.

[@jackiep5009]

Co-signed on books and dog

[@deemaysie6568]

Very relatable story. So sorry - sending love and blessings your way.

[@caseybirgitta-skoog5532]

So many people need to hear this.

[@Mmmhrmm]

This is such a great topic for discussion and really helps those stuck within however they may be. A load of guilt falls onto the target for getting so angry and bitter

[@MewSassafras]

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart Dr. Ramani. I really need to hear this.

[@maggamoosie801]

I feel free to express anger now. It's pretty potent now..being bottled up for so long. The truth seer became the teller. They don't want the teller to spout off all the things they've done and what I think of them, so it made it easier to get the vermin out of my life. No regrets.

[@hillary1925]

Thank you ❤

[@AlishaPurkis]

My husband would purposely make me sad. And then ask what my problem was. He would say I didn't look good in a certain outfit. And he never would ask me out to do things like a date night to the movies or bowling. He was always distant. I will agree I was a bit sad. He said I needed help for my depression... They always blame you for your reaction, when in reality it's their behavior.

[@theinspireddesigner]

He used to trigger me and I'd get really mad. Like, "Hulk Smash" mad. (which made me the crazy one.) But, I've recently realized that his passive aggressive control, his lying by omission , his manipulation and defiant behavior shows the content of HIS character, not mine. That realization has helped me keep my anger under control. I still get caught by all of it sometimes, but now I set a clear boundary, say my piece, and let it go. If it doesn't matter to him it doesn't matter...but at least I've stood up for myself and made it clear that he can't manipulate me like he used to.

[@AlonzoJ-pf4dt]

Good topic dr❤

[@MKhookz91580]

accurate analysis 🤔it definitely tests ones character...repetition dysfunction is draining it never seems like ppl who display narcissistic and gaslighting tactics never get tired of perpetuating the behaviors despite seeing how it creates division and misunderstandings it seems neverending at times especially when I see it being displayed deliberately.

[@user-ns6yc8mp4q]

Short answer, NO! My anger signifies my humanity part. Feelings are subject to change. Narcissist rarely change. It starts with a change in heart and thought... then ,,ACTIONS I won't be holding my breath❤

[@elspethfougere9683]

This could not have come at better timing ❤ thank you so much

[@lacreskasomante7748]

Thank you so much for posting this video. I believe I am with a narcissistic man , well at least he has most of the signs and is definitely a serial online cheater. I have become so angry since finding out all the stuff he’s been doing behind my back that sometimes I literally could push him in the face but I don’t of course. I yell a lot and I cry a lot and do you know what he says to me “ you need help cuz something is wrong with you, you always tripping about something “ somebody please pray me man. I am in this relationship because I was tricked into it, I’m dealing with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy right now and this man has sat around through my treatments and has introduced me to his whole family only to low key be in love with his female “ bestie” and have multiple conversations with girls online. I mean girls that look completely different from me, no similarities at all. I feel like honestly committing suicide at times because I can’t handle this pain in my heart and take these treatments that are poisoning my body and my brain. I have got to find the strength to get away but it feels like I’m crippled. I’m crippled mentally , physically, financially everything like this can’t be life.

[@lindacarrera6453]

Wishing you the best. 🙏🏽💕

[@jonathanfurman3411]

Thank you! I needed to hear this today. I'm ending a relationship with a narcissist atm and have been very angry.

[@angelaf2654]

Dr. R, it’s like you see into my soul and validate a part of me that I didn’t know how to feel about because I was not the person I wanted to be when things were so bad. Thank you and bless you for again shedding light and much needed compassion

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I’m super mad the abusive toxic ex I worked hard to get away from has moved into my area! 😡 In my mind he has no right to be here, and it feels super unfair after everything he put me thru causing me severe stress and harm. I don’t want him anywhere near me. Channeling the anger into healthy things, like working out, focusing on my life and healthy boundaries too. I can be angry AND a good healthy person too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@ginkgo2021]

This video describes my experience perfectly. He figured me out before I did. He knew it made me frustrated that he could trigger me into anger and then say, “see you are always angry.” He is the king of passive aggressive anger. Nobody gets this except people who educate themselves about narcissistic abuse. And there are therapists too who refuse to consider that someone’s anger is because they are being abused. Because they are the victim. Not the perpetrator.

[@joanadraghici4209]

Thank you for this video!

[@BunnyLang]

Yep, I understand this. Thanks for the reminder. Blessings, Dr. Ramani, B.

[@leilagomulka5690]

You are totally awesome zz . Thank you

[@RickVilla-dt1iv]

It is slowly fed to you with a spoon, keeping your emotions in check always to their own advantage.

[@Becoming2ndBirth]

This is me right now - thank you.

[@Tarotlynx]

Everyone seems to forget that anger is a natural reaction. It just sort of happens and suppressing it doesn't end up helping anyone. Channeling it works so much better. It is normal to be angry when you're living with a human steamroller. The idea that anger and empathy are incompatible just feeds into the silly but common notion that there are good emotions and bad emotions. It does more damage to people telling them it is wrong to be angry when they're constantly being harmed.

[@mosaicowlstudios]

Wow I needed this one today ❤❤

[@charisma3814]

Thank you Dr Ramani - your education, intuition and ability to explain narcissism to my ABI brain saved me from a narcissists web recently. I knew something was wrong but i couldn’t unravel the BS on my own. You’re my hero

[@KimberleyCollis]

Thankyou for this video ❤️

[@timegoesby7068]

Your work is inmesurable. ❤

[@dbt2910]

Thank you, thank you, Dr Ramani. I need this. Big big big help to me. ❤ Even in anger, can be emphatic & self-aware. I sometimes lose that. I now know what to work on. May you be blessed a thousand fold, Dr Ramani.

[@iamaworthlesscripple]

my former mother lived for making that rage come out so that way she could justify controlling every aspect of my life even down to my clothing choices. [i'm an adopted genocide victim, i've got multiple former mothers, the last one is just the latest one]

[@mu47470]

Sending you love, fellow human ❤

[@craigmerkey8518]

For real! Despite about 2.5 years of being on zoom and a lot of practice, my face tells all! I feel the anger, when someone who doesn't know my family asks me about them I can feel my internal temperature rising. Anyone who has even a tiny amount of exposure gets it!

[@mauriciolima313]

While the narcissist has the revolt and indignation through which he imposes himself on others, the victim of the narcissist has anguish that leads him to consider the feelings of the other and, through self-blaming, tries to correct himself to the other. Let your anguish tell you that you, in the theater of life, are a character who wants to control the audience's relationships, instead of following your own Script.

[@DanielleRega]

Thank you so much for having this talk and making this video because everything that I have watched about narcissistic abuse doesn’t mention the other person fighting back and I’ve been fighting for four years now and I am getting weaker and weaker and weaker and losing myself completely and my husband has really gotten stronger and stronger and stronger and worse and worse and worse

[@TheBrainFlow]

I feel like I’m getting sick from this abuse. Like, in my heart. I’m very sensitive too, like, I’ve always been a softy so handling this type of abuse is too much for me. I feel constantly overwhelmed. I know I probably have nothing but I feel so much anguish and chest tightness due to anxiety that I feel like it’s making me ill. I already started to have chronic body pain and I’m always tired and a bit confused/lost/brain foggy. I feel like I’m shutting down. And then I feel REALLY angry. Almost never actually show it to my narc mother, I just bottle it down and have constant arguments with her but in my head. I feel so incredibly sad for anyone who’s going through this as well. We only got this life and we’re caught up in this BS. I wish we all win the lottery or get a promotion so we can move away from whoever is doing this to us. 🙏

[@davidabbott2732]

I so needed to hear this about what I have experienced for years in my past relationships!! Thank you for answering my un-asked questions I have had for a long time!!

[@Nadiaandherchildren]

Very good point . I feel that too. All respects to you

[@MelancholyRequiem]

"YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy." -Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?"

[@alliwarwick5590]

This is so spot on! My ex had this inner demon. He just stopped talking. I couldn't get angry because I'd then receive his silent treatment. If I said anything it was to apologise just to keep the peace. This created eating problems, sleep problems and depression. When I did have to vent I'd yell at my children (not his). I couldnt cope. I'm still angry 10 months later and I never had the chance to tell him how I felt. He wouldn't have listened. My children understood. They're my rock and they helped me survive....

[@donnawoollett5685]

I find that they seek out our anger … my narc brother loves to get me to react to his actions so that he can feel powerful!

[@tomchurch2285]

I heard in recent years one family member commenting about another family member’s rage, “So-and-so blows out for us.” This outburst followed years of an in-law’s drain upon the family’s finances while maintaining a smooth exterior with doses of nuanced victimhood slipped in. All the while, other family members had tried to communicate logically and considerately with this individual who seemed next to clueless about her part played in bills that had piled up. Upon hearing, “He blows out for us,” I began to wonder: Can a rage-full reaction ever merit it as a scapegoated one?

[@marieh.1290]

Thank you so much for this Video!! You habe no idea how much it helped me!🙏

[@blu-r7h]

I have been working on narcissitic abuse healing for about 2 1/2 years now. I have come across deep anger recently...finally. Getting it out or when it comes out in awkward ways bothers me. Everything Dr. Ramani presents in this video happens and I can feel the anger in me coming to the surface in everyday incidents. So far, I have contained my anger and with reflection I can see how the narcissism in my life plays a part. I have noticed, too, I am healing. I wonder how many assault and batteries happen because of the fallout from narcissistic abuse.

[@redheart11tx]

Thank you!!💝💜💖I love your matching decor and blouse by the way. You have healing colors in your video!

[@sektekultovi]

Anger is trauma response, I am diagnosed with CTPSD, huge problem to control emotions about unjustice especially

[@user-rh9uk7wk3l]

I carry so much anger. For me fight is coming before flight. I’ve been suppressing anger for my whole life. My anger is also how I feel fear. If people say threatening things about my dogs I go ballistic. That’s because for years I was terrified he would kill them. When I feel pushed out of a place. Leaving a hotel room late and then being threatened I get anger. Anger for me is my way of dealing with fear or threats I feel triggered with. I try to avoid everyone during my angry days because it will pass. But every time I’m triggered I immediately leave. I walk out the door and don’t stop walking. Or I have a huge burst of anger. I’m also a truth seer. I know what’s inside people and what they’re doing. I will immediately call it which always backfires. Especially in our justice system where perception is more important than the truth. I run away. I freeze. I collapse. Now I will roar. I know that this is part brain damage because I’ve lost the ability to self censor myself. It’s from a lifetime of abuse. In many ways I’m being the mama bear with that menacing growl and outstretched claws warning all to see to get back and leave me alone.

[@AnnaBella-pb2yx]

Nobody can help me at this point. I can't even help myself,. Best of luck to the rest of you, rho. Live y'all ❤

[@girlonfire7832]

I understand what you are saying. I feel like this - so deep and can’t get out. Please don’t give up. It is stupid petty nonsense.