Honoring Your Parents vs Obeying Abusers | The Dr. Cloud Show - Episode 246

In this highlight from The Dr. Cloud Show, Connie needs a reminder about the difference between honoring her parents versus allowing them to be abusive.
We've got a big sale coming up on Black Friday! If you're not on our email newsletter list, go to www.boundaries.me to sign up. We've got a ton on sale and bunch of new offers too! Don't miss out!

[@888hereandnow]

When people are raised by parents that manipulate them ,it does a HUGE number on their capability to decipher what is right or wrong ,good or evil because of all of the bullying & gasighting they have suffered at the hands of a parent ...💔🙏

[@AgendaInMind]

Children are not responsible for their parents at ANY age.

[@mmp495]

Yes, this can be so true.

[@aimeew2762]

You are so right- I just realized this after 40 years. I wished I would’ve known sooner😢

[@SweetE1403]

@@elizabethb.3174yes! I just told someone that yesterday, I always feel like everything is my fault. I know that came from childhood trauma mental and spiritual abuse!!!

[@Dwigt_Rortugal]

​@SweetE1403 It took me years to even come to the point where I could accept the notion that bad things weren't all my fault. The trauma response of internalizing guilt on a physiological level has never truly gone away, though.

[@lulusleepy4899]

I’m so tired of feeling like a terrible daughter. This video helps me feel like I am not crazy.

[@brentappenrott1756]

I'm going to piggy back off your comment... this video was actually frustrating for me in a way because I feel like the guy in the video doesn't really understand what it's like. Like the fact that he suggested telling my parents I want to do some sort of counseling with them... there's no way they would ever accept anything like that because they don't really care in the first place.. I'm guessing it's similar for others but both my parents always believe they're right and honestly they're pretty hateful. The more I think about it... the issue is they don't really follow god and don't try. So I think I have to just accept that and not hold hate in my heart towards them.

[@tashacb3972]

Keep reading... Verse 4 says, “fathers do not provoke your child to anger…”

[@ericaalexander8813]

Exactly! I'm tired of people choosing/taking out out the context of scripture.

[@missveronica8393]

Nah, I'm grown up now so they can provoke me all they want 🙄🙄🙄 that scripture only applies to small children, not adult children, according to my parents.

[@missylearned9821]

Amen.

[@thepsychicspoon5984]

Ok. Except you don't control what the father(parent) does... So how does that verse help you? The child is doing their part, the parent is not. What then?

[@thepsychicspoon5984]

@Rachel St. Yves Once again. One person is doing their part, the other is not. What is the child supposed to do? I know this is a very difficult question to answer in the Christian community because for whatever reason, the idea that a parent can be abusive is inconceivable. OK let me give the only scenario you will understand. The child is a christian, the parents are agnostic, atheist, devilworshipers. What is the child to do?

[@mzkarmageddon2]

5th commandment to honor your mother and father if only in your heart... yet not tolerate any abuse from anyone

[@littlepixel1650]

How do you honor someone who’s always guilt tripping and emotionally abusing you? Especially in their old age! What is an adult child to do ?

[@mmp495]

Hopefully have the strength to tell them "stop", walk away or both. We do not have to endure this pain.

[@CO2isfake]

@@mmp495 They don’t stop, they’re crazy. That makes it worse, and the fifth commandment says you can’t walk away.

[@fullypersuaded2952]

@@CO2isfakehow does it say you can’t walk away? Jesus/ Yeshua said he would bring a sword and divide mother against daughter. The Father told Abraham to get up and leave his fathers house. The word “leave” for leave and cleave within marriage literally means to forsake your parents. I am currently trying to find the truth of the matter on this, but scripture nowhere says you can’t walk away.

[@garysmith1863]

@@fullypersuaded2952hear hear

[@cinthiamiranda4440]

My moms version of “honor your mother” is strictly monetary and service based. Free baby sitting. Free rides even when it interferes with my work and school schedule. Also my favorite asking for money then never paying it back but she will gladly gift her boy toy $600. Idk

[@kcdw3495]

This poor lady needs a divine intervention. I used to be very much like her. Praise God, thanks to his holy spirit, deliverance & Dr Henry I am no longer in bondage to this rubbish lie... (and to be clear, I am kind to my parents)

[@ONLYLOVEIZATION]

How did you manage to stay in contact with abusive parents if you don’t mind me asking? No worries if you don’t wish to answer on here 😊

[@courtneycondit]

Me too

[@missylearned9821]

If the caller reads the rest of the Bible, there are passages that would put her at ease about going no contact with abusive parents. There are multiple verses about parents who don’t do what’s best for their children, but God is always your refuge.

[@ArmyScoutMom]

Missy learned can you please share some of those verses? Thank you 🙏

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad thinks because he has facial hair, that he is like Jesus. Far from it! Dad's the opposite!

[@Dwigt_Rortugal]

​@@jackilynpyzocha662Wow. Just, wow. I heard that people with glasses are really smart, too. 😅

[@user-ib3mt7iu6z]

Romans 12:18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. This verse has just now brought so much comfort to my heart. The immense guilt I have felt for going "no contact" with my malignant narcisist mom who has gotten waaay worse with age!!!! Lord knows I have tried over and over and over to make the relationship work to no avail. Thank you so much for mentioning it in this video. I've had to go no contact to dealwith the complex PTSD resulting from decades of narcissistic abuse. I have completely forgiven and I pray for mom. But I need to focus on healing. Also I've cried out to God and He has comforted me and told me to focus on Him as my perfect parent. Yay!

[@aimeew2762]

That guilt she feels is condemnation- I’ve gone through that for over 40 years and most times it’s linked to abuse through accusations from parents, guardian or anyone in leadership in church. This might be the hardest thing anyone will ever have to go through but it’s possible to get free from it in Jesus!❤

[@ahealingplace7350]

Could you please explain more on condemnation 💔💔

[@Dwigt_Rortugal]

I can't speak for Aimee, but for me the condemnation was being repeatedly labeled as being trouble and constantly scolded for not doing well even though I put in all the effort I could muster. (most of the time, anyway) I genuinely didn't know how I could do better after "trying harder" over and over. I wanted so, so badly to do right by my parents but I just kept failing abysmally, or so it seemed. Eventually as a kid you start to internalize this repeated treatment and conclude that you are defective, a bad kid, even unlovable, But still you strive over and over to try to gain their approval, to one day hear that they're proud of you. The day never comes, and a giant wound is left behind that a person might try to fill with addictions or unhealthy relationships. I have a big, sensitive heart, so it all but destroyed me. Thankfully Jesus was there with me through it all. I can look back and see myself as a sad, frightened little boy and I also see Jesus there stooping down and embracing me. He never left me, and though I did go down some unhealthy paths trying to fill that hole, in recent years I've been able to accept that Jesus never condemns me and that I am a child of God through His adoption. I bring Him joy and I'm not a burden to Him. My sin, shame and my perceived failures still hurt and I'm still stuck in that cycle, but I know intellectually that the lies spoken over me no longer have any power. It still aches, though. Every. Single. Day.

[@rlavender9684]

Honoring comes up on the list because many Christians believe and are taught and teach that to honor your parents means to obey them. To do what they say and want no exceptions. Honor and obedience are used interchangeably in many Christian circles even though obedience and honor are probably two different things.

[@cinthiamiranda4440]

My moms version of “honor your mother” is strictly monetary and service based. Free baby sitting. Free rides even when it interferes with my work and school schedule. Also my favorite asking for money then never paying it back but she will gladly gift her boy toy $600. Idk

[@JohnathanBach]

Honor the position…don’t denigrate or speak falsely of them. Speak of them as highly as your situation allows. Think of them as highly as their behavior allows. Letting them run your adult life is not honor. The highest way of honoring your parents is to be well and whole. Choose guilt over resentment every time. Create as big a distance as is necessary to keep the relationship as good as possible, but not further. The highest dishonor is to allow them to destroy you or your relationship with them to the degree that it is within your control.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I got this, but I refuse to obey dad(narcissistic, controlling).

[@azukarzuchastux8066]

Psalms 27:10-14 NKJV When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me. Teach me Your way, O LORD, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

[@julieb8548]

AMEN

[@eloise655]

thank you so much for this both of you. i gping no contact, its been several months. today i been feeling guilty. society tells us we should honor our parents. but if your parent destroys you with manipulation and basically treats you like cinderella .. i need to focus on the reality. this video has teminded me to. stay stong xxxx

[@user-jm8yw1xw8e]

About one minute into this video and you put DECADES of unrest in my heart to rest Dr. Cloud. I was raised by two highly abusive and, worse yet - religious - parents. Along with a lot of spiritual abuse (and all the other kinds), the idea of honoring one's parents has kept me feeling duty bound, and therefore subject, to their mistreatment. No more. Thank you.

[@rlavender9684]

13:17-So children in that context means age, not the wider son/daughter definitions some people try to make it. Meaning you could be 25-30 years old and They'll say "hey your still my child and your under my roof so you'll do as I say" ect.

[@estrick4854]

Mic Drop.....Thanks for these truths!

[@laraoneal7284]

She just needs clarification that you don’t honor parents who abuse us.

[@ChildrenofthelivingGod]

No you honor them but not obey. Honoring it’s a must to all parents wether good or bad. Honoring doesn’t mean obeying or making yourself available to their abuse.

[@thepsychicspoon5984]

​@@ChildrenofthelivingGod The problem with this is that honoring and obeying is the same thing. In many cultures and for older generations honor and obeying are used interchangeably.

[@Klikka1]

@@ChildrenofthelivingGodBut what you are honoring in them? You think about them and all you see is wickedness, neglect and abuse. How can you honor that? To honor somebody, there should be some value in that person, right? What if you can not find any value in your parent?

[@lolo2good]

@@Klikka1my parents have -0 value. So sad to finally realize that.

[@aries4901]

I have been taught by my parent that speaking up for myself even though I am an adult is disrespectful. So. Now. I always feel guilty when I speak up with to my parent.

[@CassieSchmidt-bz7vu]

my heart goes out to that beautiful woman that is on the phone talking to you. because when I would confront that man that I use to call dad, he blamed it on me that it was my fault so I know how the next time will be. If the Lord will , we shall live . so yeah poor babygirl :(. because there is absolutely No excuse for any form of abuse and I cannot and I will not honour anyone who treats me either like property and who disses me. .

[@rltreasure]

Mr. Cloud, I believe you missed the point about how damaging abusive parents are and how they hang that scripture over us justifying their evil and selfish behavior. We were constantly condemned and criticized everyday of our lives. We were then told we have to be bigger person, try harder and accused that we brought it on ourselves, and told we deserved their condemnation and punishment. We were vilified and demonized like we were bad and evil from the moment we were born. We were never valued. We were never honored we were never respected. Sorry, I feel you are down playing the whole situation!

[@munausama9484]

Narscisstic paremts,let them do what they want to do ,you continue your journey with pride and self love.Power and prays to u

[@joshuajames7461]

Thank you so much Dr. Henry Cloud for shedding some light on this subject. I have struggled as I have gotten into my late 30s with my wife. I really appreciate what you are doing here, thank you and god bless you brother.

[@julieb8548]

God BLESS you Dr. Henry. I'm at the place to hear this finally. I recieve this in Jesus' name. Thank God.

[@user-kl1kf4wy9k]

My parents are deceased, and Godfather who raised me from 1974 to 1991.

[@JoyProto-mj5jl]

I think going to therapy and listening to other people s stories is draining but can be helpful in some cases.

[@alieunscripted]

Thank you, Dr. Henry Cloud.

[@fredotlogetswe3047]

I have the most covert narcissistic ,evil ,devisive, manipulative,witchcrafty, cunning,hateful person I know that some people call her my mother. She met some man, and they abused us for 3 years, wanting us out of the house,myself I was 17 years,eventually she managed to throw us out,this was 26 years ago. You can imagine how we lived from there.She came to my house this year and I chased her away,she is now a destitute, but still going around blaming those who took us in 26 years ago(her sister and brother), and formed scapegoats out of her delusion.I am like this witch doesn't even know me,she threw me out at 17 years old and now I am 43 years,basically we don't even know each other,even when she dies I won't be at the funeral.

[@JBTV352]

Honor your parents doesn’t mean to obey your abusers. It means honor your parents in spite of them being abusive. Honor them for the sake of your own honor. Love them more then you hate them regardless of their ways.

[@stevesynth]

Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

[@thepsychicspoon5984]

See, this to me is the part where the bible fails to address this question, and its mostly due to cultural differences and time period that it was made. I see that many have pointed out "Fathers, do not provoke your children". Ok. So the child is doing their part, the parent is not...what now? We have to consider that during the time the bible is written, a abusive patent was inconceivable. Or, at least what constitutes as abuse is...not as tight as it is today. Today, we outlaw corporal punishment. Meanwhile, back then parents could legally sell their child into slavery and no one would bat an eye.

[@esthers333]

And the answer was?

[@johnchacko1425]

what about a pathologicel liar

[@rosemahinay7634]

Why dont you just answer teh question sir? Its like you are returning the questuion to the caller in an arrogant way. She called to ask you bec you are older than her and she is confused like most people who have suffered from abusive parents. You are asking her why she gets confused?! Thats just completely RUDE! wy dont you just get out of there if you dont really have the heart of answering questions or helping people

[@JohnathanBach]

This was, I thought, a very good, thoughtful, and insightful answer to a very difficult question.