afraid of my mother's feelings: 7 symptoms from parental fear

This video explores a recent research article (briefly) related to a study examining the role of parents when present with a child who is fearful/nervous and inspired me to think about the impact of fear from my parent's feelings over the course of my childhood. These are 7 of the most significant symptoms when you walk on eggshells with a caregiver(s), and how fear can impact every area of your life. We also explore the role of disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment. Fear, and the impact of living in fear around a parent's emotions, isn't just about something/someone scary or dangerous, it's often about everything: fear of making mistakes, someone being upset with us, fear of abandonment and rejection, fear of upsetting other people and what we do to try to manage that fear.
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[@moscowcowboy_13]

Sadly, after decades of this I have massive autoimmune issues as an adult; asthma, Hypothyroidism, eczema, chronic pain....

[@norahoelscher522]

Omg! Me too!! Why is it that our regular medical doctors don’t ask us if we suffered any problems as a child?? Maybe we might not have the damage we do today.

[@sharonwhitehouse6949]

58 years old and i still avoid my mother, and sister, as much as possible....

[@smokersStak]

hugs

[@暗香晚风]

💥My situation is a little different. I grew up in an environment of domestic violence. But for some reason, I always remember my parents and how good they were to me! I am always grateful... So I was a happy and confident child since I was young, but I often woke up from nightmares until a few years ago... I can't explain why this happened... ?😢

[@underhiswings4479]

56: me, too.

[@Kristen10-22]

No contact for over 9yrs They r still in my head

[@Kristen10-22]

@@暗香晚风depends on what kind of dreams… when were young we often find a narrative, or change people that are safe & put them in the position instead of the true members. You should never rely on a memory because often times they are unreliable. I have a memory that’s disturbing. I challenged who was in my memory by asking if they were there now being adults. My friend who I placed in this memory knew nothing nor was she there.

[@GlorifyYahweh]

“Like a lack of maturity in many ways that creates an old soul - you’re so mature - in you, because really you were always the parent” so true

[@valerier4308]

I thought I'd overcome a lot of this until I was recently hospitalized with stress-induced cardiomyopathy.

[@jacksonmiller6679]

The shots didn't help.

[@valerier4308]

@@jacksonmiller6679 I didn't get the shots.

[@jamie-zk1sz]

Ive never heard anyone scream like my mum. I had a nightmare she chased me down the road screaming and stabbed me in the back. She's roughly has two months to live and I'm going to see her soon. I just want to get some things off my chest. I'm not like my other family members they're so deep in denial about things and I just want to heal and understand .They only care about success and all my success is on the inside, I really don't have anything to show. My healing process only started last year I was in a hopeless state and understood what hopelessness was. I have a way to go but at least I'm hopeful

[@IloveyouAndIThankYou]

God bless you! Please search "pastor kevin ewing", he talked about "familiar spirit".

[@JenniferKastelic]

I don't dare watch as I lived through this and then put my own kids through it. If only I could have had a proper diagnosis well before my kids were born so I could have learned how to manage my meltdowns. My eldest of 3 wont talk to me. I have a complicated relationship with my own mother. I wish my daughter would want to work it through. We miss her so much.

[@XDominiqueXFranconX]

It’s very brave of you to confess to this. My own mother has a hard time recognizing how she injured me, but also my sister. My sister has a strained relationship with her because of how she minimizes. I’m trying help our mom understand without blame or triangulation. I’m also AuDHD and have no biological children. Part due to neurodivergence, but perhaps there’s a part of me that knew my own meltdowns could be damaging to children. I’ve gotten help in my 30s, but there were years where I didn’t have my emotions under control at times.

[@marconius2020]

Through therapy, I discovered that I have fear and at least a sense of unease around my mother that goes back decades. I remember an incident when I was around 4 or 5 years old, waking up one night with a terrible headache, and just being harshly told by my mother to get back in bed. The next morning, I was completely ignored. My father, being a distant and passive person, said nothing which was the norm for him. That wouldn’t be the first time I got scorn or indifference when I was unwell. I’m 54 and she is in her 80s. I moved to another city a little over a decade ago to get some distance from her and try to figure out how to live my own life. When I go visit, I can handle about 3 days and then I need to leave. The visits are often nice but that old feeling of unease and unable to fully trust her is deeply ingrained and will probably never leave. Thank you for a great video that really spoke to me, Kim. Edit: fixed a typo

[@bluecoffee8414]

It's weird I never took the time to really articulate how I feel around my mother I'm going to do that. But I get this deep sense of unease, to the point I have thought to myself this is irrational. But a very deep sense of unease and exhaustion. It's interesting that you say your father was distant and passive. So was mine. He was actually a very good man, albeit emotionally shut down. i wonder how much of his being shut down was caused by my mother. A lot. One thing that has been very hard for me to admit and verbalize is how much I saw my father be belittled, subtly insulted, treated with contempt and yet be such a .... no other word for it ... doormat around my mom. The most astonishing part is my father stayed and he was VERY successful professionally. He was good looking. 6f3. He was kind, loyal, goofy. My father was literally a catch - except for the shut down part. But I realize that it was very degrading to me to see my father be degraded like that.

[@marconius2020]

@@bluecoffee8414 You brought up something that I’m pretty sure, no, 100% sure, that applies to my situation and that is my father being shut down was due to my mother. In my opinion, they never should have gotten married in the first place. They were two very different people and I feel that, in attachment terms, my father was avoidant and my mother was anxious. She was anxious to the point of being controlling and my father didn’t have the backbone to stand up for himself. He finally left when I was 13 which only added to the attachment wounds I started to develop when I was 4 or 5 if not younger. I remember saying to myself around that age that I wished I had never been born. How sad is that? On the rare occasions when my father was in the area for a visit, I always felt at ease with him and that I could share just about anything with him and not be judged. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt that way about my mother. I think she has covert narcissistic tendencies hence her control issues and often making things all about her and her needs. I wish he was actually a part of my life before he passed away a few years ago but that didn’t really happen.

[@jrbracy]

I wish I could find a therapist like you, everything you explain is an a-ha! moment for me. Especially the fawning/people pleasing/self neglect parts and the fear of being alone! I'm going to get this course soon, seems like a great starting point.

[@luketimewalker]

well, you did find her! Nowadays, no need to be in the same room or even on the same continent...

[@lucyhazel7696]

A parent's world determines our world, that's so profound❤

[@AB-sr4jx]

Definitely write a book Dr. Sage!! ❤

[@prettypuff1]

I am a group of three best friends and we all have low contact with nmoms for different reasons. Our fears manifest differently through the group but we support each other through challenges. your videos just help me so much

[@tiasims7737]

I always knew that the way my parents raised me was critical to some of the intersocial problems that I have. But when I heard this podcast you were describing my life and although it made me shake all over, I think awareness is progress. So I thank you very much for that.

[@sciwiz57]

It was my father who terrified me- once picked up a chair over his head because I didn’t like something he cooked. I still remember scrambling under the table for safety. Spent most of my childhood in my room and he would ask me why I was always in my room-Da. Years later had a great therapist and a rage against my mother came flooding out for not doing anything and using him as a weapon as did my older sister- Mom long gone, no contact with that sister who is a copy of my father.

[@stefaniecolonius4780]

I never wanted to tell my mom I was diagnosed with Cancers and its Stage 4. Thanks for underatanding a lot. 🙏

[@mindofthespirit1543]

This is how I feel with my father. My mother was actually terrifying... who threw things. I have health issues since childhood and seem to be such a dissappointing burden to my father. This makes sense.

[@cyniful]

You are so calming to listen to and you explain and give examples so well. Thank you. I'd love to see a video around the parent who grew up this way and their relationship with their own children. How to repair that relationship when we find ourselves being similar to our own parents.

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I thought 💭 it was my job growing up to make my mother happy because she had a crappy life she was molested her mom was jealous of her always critical and not supportive and because of that she raged 😡 a lot and it was scary 🫣

[@lightfaeries7]

If my mum got up and did not slam doors and cupboards we felt a sense of relief and hope. If she did, we would stay in our rooms much longer..

[@melissalechner8649]

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry you dealt with that too. To this day I hate mornings bc of it. We could also tell by the sound of her slippers on the floor. Soft, slower footsteps, we were safe... hard and fast steps, we dreaded coming out of our rooms😢

[@jacksonmiller6679]

@melissalechner8649 - damn! Wasn't just our house.

[@laurah2831]

If you do a book, you have to do an audiobook. Love your voice and your accent

[@becausehelives3029]

Thank you for this content. You are so incredibly well spoken and articulate. You were definitely made for this. I've looked the web over for someone who can somehow articulate all of this in a way that makes sense and you're the first. You don't miss a beat and you're so on point. Great job and thanks again ❤

[@DrKimSage]

So truly kind ❤thank you so much 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

[@sylviekwayeb6006]

Thanks for your videos! But I am astonished, what is the source of this study? Who does experiments like this on children by scaring them to study them? What are the consequences for these children?

[@carolinecampbell7542]

Grandmother age 71 here, wish people like Kim had been around 25 years ago - BUT I'm here to tell everyone not to give up! My relationships with my mother and consequently with my 3 daughters, and the world at large' are healing slowly but surely, and it is SO worth it. My mother died in 2007 still the same person I remembered from my early years, and I made a vow then to try and bring an end to the multi-generational poison in my family. Unfortunately, everyone involved has to experience some pain along the way without being able to see immediate results. Just hang in there xx

[@bluecoffee8414]

Thank you.

[@luketimewalker]

No way you're 56!!! 😦😦😍😍

[@looli1327]

I thoughtI was autistic for a bit and it ended up being trauma qnd I completely agree on the hypervigilance thing!

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I sincerely believe my trauma is a congenital trauma reaponse

[@lightfaeries7]

Hits home....my sister narc now. It was hell, felt in my 20 s i had to call my mum on a night out just to check she was okay...if got sulky response it affected my whole night with having a fearful heavy heart......thanks for this 😊

[@suzannetunnicliffe2422]

Im sat here listening to you with tears rolling down my face. It been so so affected. Its touched a raw nerve.

[@LonelyRider87]

I appreciate the way you explained this without demonizing parents. Ty.

[@kimomallon5862]

Thank you 🙏 You are so right with everything you said. The relief I feel when being alone. Indescribable.

[@SunnyBunney]

Thank you for these videos they are saving my life rn

[@bluecoffee8414]

Same

[@creativealchemyoflife9143]

I'm excited about the video on autism and hsp!

[@cupofteawithpoetry]

Thank you for another brilliant video 😊

[@stevenseltzer986]

Thank you for your practice and for sharing your lessons with us. It helps a lot.

[@dunjaradoalignmentcoach1774]

It's so wonderful to hear someone speak and articulate the undefinable fear we experienced and say what effects it had so we can slowly conclude its not our fault, even though its still active when this topic is broached having gone no contact with both my parents and having my coaching practice with my own method for deep emotional healing. there is just so much of it and there is so little collective healing, discussion and validation of this in the adult world except in such channels like yours so the shame is also still loud... thank you...

[@heatherwiner2883]

Described me almost exactly.

[@HellofromAria]

Wow, this has been ruining my life. It’s so much deeper than I thought.

[@smokersStak]

SPOT ON

[@andeeejoseph1990]

Oh my. Kim your content is so powerful and worth its weight in gold. I feel good about your channel finding its way to me. Wow, gets me quite emotional. 😰 Thank you so much for getting this valuable info out to the masses. 👍✌️

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you so much ❤🙏🏻🩷

[@karentyndall7948]

Amazing content. So helpful lots of love and thanks xxxx❤❤❤

[@notl4ndo]

Thank you so much for this. I’ve been experiencing this with my mum (who has BPD) for a while now-mostly as an adult since I was taken into care as a child. I really don’t know what to think of her-she’s nice sometimes, then turns into a stranger. She uses the silent treatment a lot, she’s been very verbally abusive and made lots of threats. I have PTSD and she’s been making a lot of sudden, loud noise even though she knows it terrifies me. Recently I’ve had a major IBS flare-up-one of the worst I’ve had for years-after months of being in fight/flight (freeze/collapse seems to be my default). I’ve tried my best to be the best daughter I can but it’s as if I’m disposable. She’s not taken any responsibility for her actions

[@bronzepixie813]

I used to be so scared when I was younger.

[@jright8749]

Thank you! Thank you for your wonderful work and all of the obvious thoughts, knowledge and efforts you put into your videos. I have been following your videos for quite some time as I wrestle with my own battles from my bpd mother. I have found myself reflecting a lot lately on my shortfalls as a mother. I am tying to learn more ways to cope, understand, lean and grow as a person. This video really hit home. It was just what I needed. I look forward to taking the course in the future.

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you for being here with me ❤

[@kristiepp22]

My mom had severe depression when I was born up until was in my teens. I don't remember much, just what my sisters tell me. I can't help but think that affected me my whole life. Luckily she is a good mom and I can't remember that bad.

[@JSPUT]

Can you make a video for moms who are aware that they are scary to their children? What can we do to recognize it, help ourselves and help heal our children and to create / strengthen a secure attachment.

[@crayonofdarkness215]

9 years no contact and I still find myself anxious & walking invisible past eggshells that don’t even exist now. I guess that’s the cPTSD. It’s not easy to let go even when you think you have 100% escaped the nightmare.

[@DrKimSage]

It really is so difficult💔sending ❤

[@bluecoffee8414]

I can't thank you enough.

[@TuletteBitner-t9o]

I'm sick and tired of being emotionally immature I'll never be normal or experience truly be loved it's not in the cards I was dealt

[@EnergyreaderempathMary]

That’s me now!

[@暗香晚风]

💥My situation is a little different. I grew up in an environment of domestic violence. But for some reason, I always remember my parents and how good they were to me! I am always grateful... So I was a happy and confident child since I was young, but I often woke up from nightmares until a few years ago... I can't explain why this happened... ?🤔🧐

[@cyndimoring9389]

are you in denial that it was scary to you when they fought? and are still hypervigilant about them fighting?

[@Simplythebest011]

Thank you for all your insights. I've enjoyed many of your videos. Your wallpaper brings me joy! Can you please share the resource?

[@DrKimSage]

Yes❤Wallpaperie!

[@antoinettestout5401]

I love your channel and reconize so much... i have cptsd and by watching your episodes still learning the why dt they do that etc... one question, which blush are you wearing??😅 love from the Netherlands ❤

[@yeoldegrayCat]

Yeah when I'm driving my mother around and she starts speaking it's pretty much a jumpscare for me.

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

Love you Kim! ❤❤❤

[@michellemurray9448]

YES! All of this. 100%

[@fatuusdottore]

All of this is sadly too true.

[@karendixon9419]

Does the course teach you how to overcome these feelings. I have done so much work on myself, but I can't un feel the sense of abandonment and still like the funny happy person just to be liked. I'm 60 now, my wonderful children are gone, I love living alone, but know it's not healthy, I have a few really lovely friends, but too much and I'm exhausted. I have fibromyalgia and arthritis along with chronic fatigue syndrome. I know it's all related to the way my mother was when I was younger and still is today. I have only once challenged her. She didn't speak to me for 6 months.

[@Kristen10-22]

Shoot my mom told me at 10-12yo (1980-82) You better be afraid of me! You have it easy compared to me!

[@andreak1514]

A book ❤

[@carolynkepler2826]

I think my obesity is a result of growing up this way. My mother was a rager but on the other hand, she could be nice and funny. I never knew what to expect.

[@suzannebigras7071]

Do you have any info on growing up with broken family/ foster care and religious abuse. How does someone recover from abuse from all supposed safe places. School,church,homes, public. Sometimes I just get so tired of changing and growing. I am tired of working on Self only to find out that I have also had therapeutic abuse as well.. I am grateful for finding your sites. I can add autism to my list 😂😂😂👍