3 Reasons Why Getting Better Can Feel Worse

[@JuliaFox60]

I’m exhausted from thinking about my mental health everyday, like I’m babysitting it. I need a break!

[@veronicaladd5821]

Me too. Exhausted from thinking too much. Can't do anything else

[@cosmiceda9580]

Hey, we're all taking care of our inner children, that is much work :D cudos to us I say

[@AprilMears-j7q]

Ditto! 😮❤❤

[@dove-qs5or]

It's worth the work 💝

[@elisabasta]

in my own journey, this was a good thing, like i was finally emerging from the fog by the means of being so sick of thinking about myself and wanting to put that energy elsewhere, in projects and stuff.

[@basementdwellers5688]

And there seems to be some sort of “backlash feeling” - your survival feels threatened by any change, even improvement!

[@yesterdayitrained]

1000% accurate. Even the most basic, easy, single changes feel terrifying.

[@susanmercurio1060]

That's what's been happening to me! I was homeless for four years and I finally got an apartment. It was a change for the better, but I felt worse. That's when I found Dr Eilers, because I couldn't do anything. I did remember that I do this every time I come out of a crisis so it was "what I do."

[@nocando89]

​@@susanmercurio1060 i hope you've become adjusted to your new norm and have found a space of comfort within it. I can imagine it must be hard to adjust, sometimes even for things that are better for us.

[@jadeybabes33]

"Recovery is like Frostbite. It tends to hurt more as it heals, but nobody ever got better from frostbite by going back into the snow." 'Dr Colleen Reichmann'

[@elektra121]

In most cases, though, recovery is *not* like frostbite. And in a lot of cases feeling worse and worse is, actually, a very strong sign that you are *not* recovering but spiralling in the wrong direction. Telling people they're suuposed to ignore their gut feeling and that they're supposed to feel bad and worse - is not going to help them but quite the oposite.

[@jadeybabes33]

@@elektra121 This quote is referring to not running back to the things that are hurting you (drug or alcohol abuse etc for instance) that when you are suffering again turning to those things won't help you feel better. It is NOT telling you you can't 'feel' bad, pay attention to your mental health or to ignore your gut instincts when you are struggling.

[@going-easy]

​@@elektra121I think you are right

[@elektra121]

@@jadeybabes33 I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to criticise? You say "the quote does NOT say you can not 'feel' bad" - no, of course it doesn't say this. It actually says that you are *supposed* to feel bad by healing, that healing *has to hurt* quote bad (like snowbite). That you should ignore the pain, because it *has to* be there, you're not supposed to search for any help with it. "You just have to grit your teeth, more pain automatically means that you're healing and if therapy or people make you feel worse and hurt you, then that means they're good for you and you're healing. And I see quite some problems with this idea. While frostbite may be a metaphor that works maybe for things like overcome addiction - there are a lot of cases with mental health problems where this metaphor is quite wrong (especially the first part) and doesn't work at all. Could be dangerous, even.

[@jadeybabes33]

@@elektra121 It was a simple well meant quote - and on a friendly supportive page where we don't need arguments - we just want to be there for each other. If you didn't like the quote, thats fine - just scroll past it and ignore. Other people understood its simple meaning - it doesn't need to be picked apart critically - it's just a quote. Thanks and take care x

[@omerul-farukarslaner8531]

Yeas some people have been suffering for so long, if they get even slightly better they might be guilty for getting better. Its funny how the human mind works.

[@mikekrahel8459]

So true. And then we self sabotage because we feel that we don’t deserve happiness. Any kind of change, albeit positive, is disconcerting.

[@hrdcpy]

Or you don't believe it will last. I've felt better and made plans etc. that all fell apart shortly after. Self preservation can be difficult to understand

[@20059ful]

Every time I feel happy I start.questioning why am happy and I start thinking that maybe it's coz something bad is about to happen

[@Heyu7her3]

That's self-blame & shame atp...

[@kirsivalve5720]

This made sense and really helped me! Thanks😍

[@SandyRiggs-u7k]

As a bipolar 2 older woman of 64. When I feel my “cloudy” mood begins to let sunshine come thru, my reaction is “Yay! Let’s pick up where we left off…” I start straightening up the house, putting makeup on, and do the laundry! Not hypomanic just NORMAL ☀️😆

[@TheKrispyfort]

My Easter weekend 😂

[@hasinapatel1233]

Lovely to hear you get them .

[@reneelibby4885]

that's great : )

[@moxiesaturday]

9:53 this moment- i am pausing to say i feel this right NOW. healing in therapy and actually starting to see myself/my true inner child and learning to love myself and starting to change for the better- it feels so so fragile, so intimidating, like i am walking with this candle on a windy day and worrying that little light inside me will blow out at any moment, but i want to be brave and keep going even if i have to relight the candle over and over every time i battle depression, i want to be brave.

[@searching4purpose]

It really sucks that I get more insight from your videos, because for many like myself our options to quality therapy is so small. I wish I had a therapist like you, I hope you realize how much your videos help so many.

[@kevinmacomber1336]

I think there are just a lot of crappy therapists. My current one in the VA is fantastic, but went through many dults.

[@JacobS5005]

I wish mental healthcare was better too. I wish we had a system that was full of people like him and we had availability and the ability to find the right therapist instead of being on year long wait lists just to get into one whether they are good or bad. I wish I had found his videos sooner

[@shirleyjackson3893]

What I hate is when a therapist says something that causes me to feel like I am not really trying and also feeling like I failed their expectations.

[@unrulycrow6299]

Improving as a traumatised autistic person means dealing with actual regression and loss of executive functions and MAN the way everything goes to shit real quick when that happens, with the added fear of getting to a new (unknown) place mentally, it's like rebootong yourself to update the software and it can take MONTHS

[@musicmamma]

Going through this as well.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Our brains are literally restructuring. Adjustment to changes in neurophysiology takes time, and resources, and supports

[@grittygoombah]

Right there with you stranger 😞💕

[@evaeggen7825]

Being depressed might take time to heal, too. Whatever else

[@perhagman6112]

Yes 😢

[@jhfdhgvnbjm75]

Getting better doesn't mean you're better and able to fully cope yet, it just means you're better than you were.

[@lailanitukuafu]

I appreciate this video so much. I noticed this pattern in myself a while ago, that I feel really uncomfortable in healthy mindspaces. I thought there was something wrong with me. But every point you made hit home for me. I can't trust myself to be happy anymore because it never lasts. Part of the reason I don't like setting goals or routines for myself is that I always seem to mess it up. Hope is terrifying. Optimism is terrifying. Self-compassion is terrifying. Thank you so much for validating this, I feel somewhat less alone now.

[@ameliacrisp8482]

The way you speak and how much I connect with you tells me that your years were not 'lost' or 'wasted'. I feel that way too - but the fact that you can share this and understand me and so many other commenters tells me it was never a waste. I feel like I broke through a barrier today thanks to this video. I will be back.

[@oldschool8330]

When I’m feeling better about things, a setback happens and sends me back into a depression. Or I’m reminded what my life is missing. It’s a cycle I can’t break free of.

[@melanieklingensmith7084]

My life is missing just about everything that a normal person needs. I have the necessities, like shelter, food, clothes and a sh;tty job. All I can do is ride it out and tell myself it's ok. When I feel like crying, I just say "it's ok" so I don't break down in front of others. If I really thought about what I'm missing, I would just end it. I have to push those thoughts out of my head. It's ok. I'm numb. I'm an unfeeling robot. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. I can't care about it too much or I'll be in a hospital bed. Just surviving....

[@youareloved8274]

​@@melanieklingensmith7084, maybe try getting a job that makes you happy, something that works for you

[@sm0g-810]

Yes absolutely. I'm so reassured to see I'm not the only one who thinks like this. I had a very good period recently. I felt so motivated and I was coming up with ideas for the future of what I want to do with life. But then I stopped feeling motivated and it sent me spiraling down again. I want that part of myself back so badly

[@reneelibby4885]

Ok controversial opinion here, but I no longer EXPECT to be happy. Or chase it. If the shi*ty setback is par for the course ( because life really does suck for people most of the time IMO ) then all I need to do is ride it out and congratulate myself for surviving. Everybody's life is missing stuff. I'm not trying to devalue your feeling here, but it's true. Some people ARE dealt better hands than others. But once you accept the things about your sh*tty hand in life that can't be changed, it's easier to be ... paradoxically.... "happy" . Without trying. TRYING to be happy is a fool's game. You can't depend on outward circumstances. I'm going to let you in on a secret: most normal, happy appearing people aren't happy. Happy is not a natural state. It's a gift you get once in a while. The thing you can do is try to love yourself just the way you are right now. That will help. Externals don't last.

[@GuadalupeMendez-gs6rt]

🤎

[@Sandrawest64]

I guess there is a comfort in knowing that the depression will be there, day after day. It makes sense that, as we get "better", the unpredictability increases our anxiety. Thank you for describing it so well.

[@9xqspx6]

What you wrote reminded me how from a song's lyrics I begun to call the thing "my special darkness". At the time I had no idea it might be depression. But as the years passed I realized that that darkness had a hold on me, pulling me back, made me miss him when it was gone. This video made me understand more about this. And made me cry - something I did not expect happening today at all. I've remembered more of the song's lyrics now, and thought it was fitting. I went on and re-read all the lyrics. It's quite fitting... Here's the part I've remembered without even reading back: "I get up, get ready to face this world I come down I come down so hard, I hit then bounce In a pool of piss I lay Once revived, I was better off like I was In so many pieces And I'm so damn mad, so fucking mad To lose that special darkness I've got nothing to lose" I've listened to the album with this song so many times. Sometimes cried. This might not be your type of music. But it helped me a lot. Because besides being sad, it's also heavy and powerful. It helps me to turn pain and sadness into anger. I'm not positive that that is a good thing... But anger is a more active, more powerful state, and that sometimes is enough (for me) to pull me up enough to get going. So, that's the reason I've shared all this, hoping it might help someone a bit, like it helped me. Here's the song: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e2OVmIGZqaaJqMU (Someone put all the lyrics in a comment.)

[@9xqspx6]

Then you might go on to this song: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j4THl6qFeqx5nqs I can't believe how much those lyrics fit. All the years I've listened to this, never realized it this way. Although I've cried many times listening to this particular song. It gives so much power at the same time.

[@a.vanbuuren7484]

Yes, yes a thousand times yes you are helping us. Sometimes this channel is the only place where I feel seen. And when you feel seen and understood all the pint up emotions just come out. cried like a child thru this entire video because EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE HIT HOME. You know how when you scrape your knee pretty bad and you dab a bit of peroxide on it..and in the act of cleaning the wound it stings. yeah..this video is like that. my soul is stinging. Thank you Dr. Scott.. and thank you to your family for supporting you giving to us constantly. I hope they can really know how many people out here (american essentially all lone with a little boy in the dark grey rainy netherlands!) you are helping!

[@SylviaRR]

Woke up this morning feeling this way, nothing has changed, although I know I am what needs to change and yes have lost the last 2 years to depression.

[@plainsong76]

Don’t feel bad- I lost 30+ years (and continue to) from anorexia and depression.

[@yesterdayitrained]

Almost 40 years…

[@extremeconsciousness]

I lost the last 10, im 30 now

[@yesterdayitrained]

@@extremeconsciousness Well, you’ve got the best of all of us! Please, let your 10th year be your last year of depression. You are young, developed depression after adolescence, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Do whatever needs be done to get well- hindsight is 20/20 (my words to you), but also too late (I don’t want you to look back at your life and see the same darkness I see).

[@AprilMears-j7q]

I'm 53 years-old now and I tend to feel "chronically behind in life." I'm always playing "catch up." But I listen to you almost daily and you've truly helped me see myself and the world in a more positive way. 😊 After I listen to you I find that there's actually hope! Of being able to live well with this chronic feeling of....well....nothingness. You've given me hope! Thank you for all you do!!

[@robertkirchner7981]

I have had lifestyle creep in reverse. As my abilities decreased as depression set in, I continued taking on challenges to the scale that I used to be able to deal with. I dug myself a huge hole that I am still at the bottom of.

[@sixtoomanycats9769]

After spending the last 3 holidays with family members that make me feel loved and we had a wonderful time, I crashed. Because I'm so used to spending time with family that I feel miserable around. Now this makes sense.

[@c.brownell8618]

You in your forties have come to understand things that were not understood when us oldies were your age. Strength to you.

[@juliz2500]

Some people are really exceptional. Also, our generation has more resources (therapy, information...) available through the internet.

[@Foxforce1978]

It feels as if there is always going to be a test or presentation just around the corner and I am persistently under the gun and up against looming deadlines. It took a looooog time to fully realize these are part of the sickness of the mind. Yes there are responsibilities we need to do each day/month, but you are enough right this second and the next minute will take care of it’s self… It took me over 40yrs to fully understand that self care is not selfishness.. plz put on your oxygen mask b4 you can help others… 😮

[@QueSarahSarah72]

I think all 3 reasons apply to me in some way or another. The lost years are definitely me 19:13 . Half my life was lost due to anxiety, agoraphobia, and depression. I'm 52 now. I've never allowed myself to stop and process it through grief. This is going to be stuck in my mind. Maybe that's something i need to work on. I'll bring this up with my therapist.

[@nancyshelton4286]

When I’m in that black hole of apathy where nothing matters and “what’s the point?” I can’t remember that I haven’t always felt that way. It’s feels permanent.

[@pa2707]

Suffering since 18 years, tried medicine, didn't work. Tried therapy for more than a year only for the therapist to tell me "it's not your fault", "I had absent parents", "I grew up in a toxic and abusive household". I knew all that on my own before spending all my savings on expensive therapy. Where is the solution? If there is any.

[@nynpsychology8607]

Haven’t found one.

[@andreav1706]

The solution is Jesus Christ. Let Him have control over your life. He will direct your steps. Do you have a relationship with God? Do you understand the Gospel? A lot of people, myself included are carrying complex ptsd. It’s challenging but there is help. Check out Tim Fletcher. He really has a lot of teaching and info on the subject and a lot of people have said he has helped them more than therapy ever has. God Bless

[@gazelle3635]

I agree. I dont believe in therapy. Its a scam. But figure its free to watch KZbin channels like this one and see if I can get any insight or comfort from them. But going to see therapists. Forget it. Waste of time.

[@StudioHannah]

@@gazelle3635 Therapy saved me many times and it’s certainly not a scam, though the quality of therapists can vary. I’m lucky to have someone excellent for me.

[@GorgieClarissa]

hear me out.... I feel like there are a lot of therapists that don't know what they are doing. and they seem to be the only ones taking my insurance. i'm done with therapy. i'm exhausted from therapists who seem to flip flop what they are talking about every week or what approach they want to take on. my last therapist wanted to try some kind of light therapy in our next session, and then she just forgot about it. she would assign homework and then forget about it. i 100% recognize that youtube therapists are not MY therapists, but I have several therapists on youtube that I follow... including Dr. Scott Eilers! but literally it's like night at day. he sticks to topics and doens't just go on random tangents. it's almost like he gets me without even meeting me. and I KNOW that therapists like this exist... I just can't find them or find any that take my insurance. and it sucks. I can't afford a therapist who charges 250$/hr who wants to see me 4x a month but wont take my insruance. and the therapists that do... I honestly think they dont care. I had an awful therapist once that I had to stop seeing after I had to explain to her why it was not a good idea to get back into a relationship with my abusive family. you wouldn't ask a woman to get back into an relationship with her abusive exboyfriend.... I don't know why that needs to be said to a therapist at all. I get so frustrated with therapy... because I do feel worse than before I went to therapy. but is that because of my problems or because of the therapist? I don't know. but i'm exhausted from trying.

[@amberinthemist7912]

There are fundamental problems with how therapist are taught about toxic parents and family members. You are so correct that they will often tell you to forgive a parent for doing things to you that they would never tell you to forgive if it was a romantic partner. It's a real problem that needs to be addressed in schools for therapists.

[@Heyu7her3]

​@@amberinthemist7912 oh that's wild. I've only been told in therapy to radically accept that the past happened (can't change it)n to forgive yourself/ have self-compassion, & to check values & boundaries.

[@Heyu7her3]

It's because of the therapist.

[@GorgieClarissa]

​@amberinthemist7912 I think this makes a lot of sense bc the therapist that I was working with was quite old. Like... 60s. And being that I'm not a therapist... I don't know what kind of mandatory continuing education is needed after you get your masters. She also runs her own practice. So it's just her. She also had me prepay all of the co-pays and then never refunded them after I decided I didn't want to go back. All in all.... not a great therapist. But of course not everyone's experience either.

[@meiramarx]

This was so important today… I’ve been struggling really hard to get thru days, some days I cant even get out of bed to go to work. After this video, I think I gained a little bit of strength to live another day, and hopefully, another one. Thank you so much Scott.

[@coquinbuddha]

I am constantly amazed by how the topics of your videos somehow seem to - - very often - - closely coincide with conversations I have with friends and family regarding my mental health challenges. Like, exact mirrors of things I'm saying at the time. It's uncanny. Thanks for another helpful video.

[@dovelyz5496]

The way this man always describes what im facing 😭

[@kleinereverie8763]

I just want to say that your videos definitely acknowledge and recognise struggle that I've never seen or read elsewhere, and I've been in therapy for a while. Thank you for your work.

[@sheriricci7589]

This is so true for me! As I am finally getting trauma therapy, it is extremely hard and sometimes I feel like I’m going backwards, if not for my trauma therapist reassuring me, I don’t know what I would do

[@sixtoomanycats9769]

Same for me what you said. Exactly

[@hummingbird4934]

This is what I’m about to do - should have had it a few years ago I’m so annoyed with myself! I’ve waited until of course my relationship ended and I live on my own. God knows how I’m going to cope now without the support

[@jjmack6563]

Totally agree and my suicide attempts have become more frequent.

[@Trassel242]

It’s so hard to actually improve because, well, I keep trying to expect how to dodge the next inevitable crisis. I’m living on the mercy of the government, and living solely because someone else is merciful in this moment is not a fun way to live. It’s like I can’t feel safe or secure, because every day could be the day my life falls to pieces due to something I didn’t know about or am unable to fix. I struggle to relax, it’s like I’m stuck in the mindset of being ready to bolt away from some possible danger. I don’t know how to get out of this mental state, and I hate being stuck in the “harried prey animal trying to avoid the traps and the dogs” all the time. Doctors tell me “try to avoid stress” but how do I do that when my life is currently inherently stressful on a basic level? Also I guess I’m a bit extra frail right now because I’m physically sick (tonsillitis or strep) and that always intensifies my mental health negatively.

[@miss_whipps]

I can really relate... 😮‍💨 Wishing the best for you, sending you strength, courage, and comfort. ❤

[@sylviaodhner]

One thing that happened to me is, I became more emotionally secure in relationships, and now I feel like I don't know how to form deep social bonds anymore.

[@JuliaFox60]

Yes! This is exactly how I feel!

[@elisabasta]

this + where the hell is the healthy people to hang out with them after i ditched all the emo kids 😅

[@bchristian85]

I like your metaphor about the sun peaking out during a cloudy day. For me this happens but never for very long. I've been at "rock bottom" since March 2020. The whole phrase "darkest just before the dawn" doesn't give me hope anymore, since the darkest has been four years now. I have two huge things keeping me from really getting better. One is my parents. The other is the current religious and political culture in the USA. If I could fix one of these things I could more easily deal with the other. There's a third thing - my age - as I'm fast approaching 40, but there really isn't anything I can do about that. I'm just tired of losing time.

[@mobilityproject3485]

This was the time in which the most apocalyptic warming projections, (business as usual) evaporated. It was not through any conferences or plans but through a round of rib-cracking CPR from our higher power... not to mention Bolsonaro and the Amazon, which were slowed down a lot by the pandemic. I believe the future of politics is in figures that restore law and order in their demeanor and actions. People who want to create a fair economy with law and order and create common sense programs to help families stay healthy and together. Even when it's not comfortable. Our view of sexuality is not healthy for the stability of families (I am focusing on the majority population here, not necessarily any minorities) and needs to be reformed through truly comprehensive education and non-intrusive taxes, which can help pay for more services to help the families that are already broken. All of these reforms need to be done in an orderly and forgiving way, with the humility that we are taking baby steps here and won't always get anything perfect. These politicians would be described as socially center-right and economically left. I can name two off the top of my head, RFK Jr. (Don't necessarily run out and vote for him, check if you live in a swing state first. Tr. (R) is NOT an option) and Raphael Warnock who is a senator from Georgia. These are both people that come from a deep Christian background but for whatever reason, whether race or environment or whatever, found themselves on or near the Democratic Party. Look out for people like this. They are multiplying, I can't think of one from before COVID and now there's two off the top of my head, one of which is a household name. Look into these people and support them (with all due wisdom). These people, the reforms they want to make and already have, are what have given meaning to the suffering and I think it will help you be more confident and have a meaningful life. I love you and welcome you dearly to the Post-COVID era.

[@something_kris]

Commenting here again after showing this video to my girlfriend. She really needed all of this incredibly helpful insight, especially after a bad relapse of selfharming. It made her feel like "I've been here before, time to get on track again". Such a great video and thought process. Thanks so much Dr. Scott.

[@gperez805]

This is exactly what I go through and I have to self talk myself into having faith I will make it through the day fine.

[@katethegreat2222]

When I get sick with a virus, I always get worse right before I get better. I think it’s the healing process. Darkest before dawn and all that.

[@deborahbasel184]

I'm afraid of the 'unknown" in feeling better.

[@RLTea]

Thank you for putting into words so many feelings and states of being that have been very difficult to wrap my head around. Oftentimes, I wish someone had told me that recovering from depression and making my way out of it would feel much harder than depression itself. Cos it didn't feel like very much. I was so depressed that I couldn't feel anymore, I was simply clinging onto existence. But now I want to live. And that's a tall order, especially as I keep stumbling while trying to make up for lost time.

[@jennleigh143]

You sent me here from the future. And WOW. Number 3 is me. I’ve even considered sabotaging myself so I can get back to my “comfort zone”. I have been having anxiety attacks and finally figured out my fear was getting “better”. I’m in between therapy appointments so having you explaining what/why I am feeling. I can’t wait for my next therapy appointment! She’s going to think I’m so smart! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[@constancecampbell4610]

Wonderful. Landed. I am 65 so the urgency is something I can relate to. And the grief, too. I can accept that I may never stop grieving, but I’d be delighted to be wrong. Thank you so much. PS When I saw your thumbnail, I thought you were going to talk about counseling. I have definitely been more anxious or just upset after some sessions. I think I understand why, but maybe it would be a good topic to address sometime. 😄

[@ryangibson8619]

I was able to relate to much of what you said in this video. For most of my life, I've felt that I strived to be the best version of myself. There have been many highs and lows. For the last year and a half I've been stuck in my deepest low, relectant to improve situation, and leaning into distractions and self destructive behaviors. This has given me some keen insight, it may even be the first pebble roll. Thanks Dr. Eilers

[@SoBeItScott]

Dr. Eilers, your explanation really resonates with me. It's like you're speaking directly to my experiences. Thank you for shedding light on why progress can sometimes feel so daunting.

[@LovisaSvensson-iw7wc]

I felt terrible when I started sorting out my life, both because I was putting myself out of my comfort zone and because it made me realize what a bad state I was in and how much work I had ahead of me. I would try discussing my problems with my loved ones to try to get help finding solutions, but all they wanted to do was make the discomfort go away. Make no mistake, I don't like feeling anxious for no reason, but feeling anxious because I'm thinking about how I could have done a job interview better or been a better friend is something I have chosen for myself and anyone that tries to stop me is getting in my way and wants me to fail, in my opinion.

[@Heyu7her3]

Sometimes, other people can be too "kind" to the point of enabling

[@marilynanderson7792]

You are so good at what you do, I’m always amazed at your level of compassion and understanding of what so many of us are struggling with. And your generous effort to share that understanding with us.

[@marychristenson1491]

I have gone for therapy with three different therapists over my 70 years. I can predict when things will happen. I will reach a point when I'm getting better at the same point my insurance runs out. Then when I no longer have anyone with whom to discuss and evaluate my progress things will begin back down hill.

[@meetandinspire]

"There is comfort and predictability and consistency in being at your rock bottom. When you start getting better and your mood starts to increase and your symptoms start to decrease, suddenly for maybe the first time in a very long time you now have something to lose."

[@maasoomahabdul8872]

Thank you so much for making me reassured that i am not alone. I am going to therapy after many years of chronic depression and i have experienced all three of these things and no psychologist speaks about these things. I sometimes wondered if i am actually becoming better or worse. Your explanation has greatly helped to clarify. I think its more relatable because you have a deeper understanding of depression than mere textbooks because of your experience. Thanks again. Keep showing the light to others.

[@miss_whipps]

You literally said, verbatim, what I tell my ones to explain the feeling of paralysis that prevents me from taking steps toward a healthier life. I'm terrified I'll screw it up like I have so many times in the past. The pain of failing is demoralizing, shameful, and destroys any self esteem I might have managed to scrape together. I've never heard anyone discuss this aspect of healing, and it is SO comforting to listen to your reassurance and validation. Thank you for such moving and empowering content!

[@anncostello5894]

I really admire your honesty as a therapist. Look forward to your videos. Emensely helpful. Been dealing with depression for 30 YEARS. TG I found a great therapist, but there work to be done in between. I get you saying about lost years. .... Hitting all the topics. No stone unturned.it's a relief to able to remove my masks. ❤️

[@chriscarpenter6241]

I'm adjusting to my new normal with chronic illness. Yesterday, in therapy, I actually realized I miss being able to be hyper vigilant. What you said helped make sense of this.

[@skeptik-ci5xo]

This TOTALLY resonates with me. I am in this phase right now and I am doing all of the things you mention.

[@amymyers5503]

This one hit the mark. 9:35 to 10:10. I had to pause it. That's how I feel about searching for a new job, so I can become financially independent from my parents. I've only been able to get part-time work for the past 10 years. It's so hard. I'm trying, actively applying for jobs, working with a support network with my therapist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, and vocational counselor, going on interviews. I've been at it for 6 months. And nothing. It's so hard. Eventually when I get a new full-time job, I know that's how I'll feel because that's how I felt every day working and then after I lost the last full-time job. Gotta take care not to destroy it. So much depends on this. Now I'm going to watch the rest of the video. Thank you.

[@spmusicc]

Wishing you all the best, you've got this!!

[@amymyers5503]

@@spmusicc Thank you. Best wishes to you, too.

[@sheriricci7589]

Most people have no idea the hell I live with every day because the mask I wear

[@lovejoy71422]

I understand I'm so very sorry to hear this, it's extremely difficult.

[@Foxforce1978]

Sheri, your mask is the one you choose 😮. I know it sucks right now, but recognizing you have a mask is step one… the excitement is when you choose to go mask shopping 🛍️!! You have an option to keep the old or trade that shit in on a new one.. (Even if it’s a lease 😂), “fake it till you make it” , has power when you surrender to the new life). Acting brave in a moment of fear, is bravery.🎭

[@sheriricci7589]

Thank you

[@Trassel242]

Sheri, you’re very brave to just talk about it in this KZbin comment. It’s the first step towards talking about it with someone else. I promise you, it genuinely does help, and you don’t deserve to spend your life suffering in silence, nobody does.

[@Swiss816]

Same. Everyday feels like Hell but I smile through it

[@Chucanelli]

Just wanted to add a perspective from Internal Family Systems: Depression and the behaviors that perpetuate/exacerbate it can be attempts to protect vulnerable parts of ourselves. When we drop those behaviors, start taking care of ourselves, and start living, those parts can feel very exposed. It feels dangerous to let them see the light. Then protective mechanisms kick back in to shut it all down, which can mean a return to depression.

[@melaniemorales33]

This video has been incredibly helpful in more ways than I could type out. Thank you so much

[@joeg3950]

This was my biggest transition issue for years. I'd feel a little better, defense mechanisms activate, work on self... Rinse and repeat. It takes support of key people and internal work to make it past this hump; this was the biggest obstacle for nearly a decade. I'm better now. Backsliding occurs fleetingly, but when it does it can be significant. Repeat my positive behaviors and work leads to a return to a positive baseline. Rinse and repeat in a positive sense. Thanks for the video! Keep up the good work!

[@kevinmacomber1336]

Scott, I am a 100% disabled Vet (70% PTSD) and think there may be two more reasons. One's journey involves other people, maybe some who are triggers. While you are working, they might/could be pulling you back. Removing them is essential. The other is learning how to 'reframe' your thoughts which you demonstrated. Learning how to find bright spots takes practice, particularly when you are prone to catastrophize. Personally, my issue was severe and struggled to even remember what good feelings felt like and was more confused than anything.

[@Karenmarquesf]

My issue is I don't know how to grieve... What do I do? Cry everyday? Even that I don't think would work... I don't know how to let go of the years I've lost

[@wewillnotbequiet]

I really need professional help. I appear perfectly fine but I have missed so much in life b/c of abuse, neglect, abandonment in childhood and some bad choices made in adulthood. I really want/need mental health counseling but I'm on a Medicare Advantage plan and there's a $60 copay. Fixed incomes can't afford that. We old folks need mental health help at times too. Why do they make it unattainable...

[@StudioHannah]

@@wewillnotbequiet I’ve done different rates of therapy sessions depending on what I could afford at a given time. Sometimes I could only do a single session in a month with that $60 copay and that was is. Sometimes I could do two sessions. Something is better than nothing, and sometimes the therapist is able to find ways around the rules to help you get more benefit.

[@something_kris]

Dang, this one really hit home. I was diagnosed with BPD and ADHD at 25. I'll be 27 soon and the sense of urgency is something I relate to so much. Same with the nostalgia grieving.

[@DevoidVoid]

It's truly the worst, the fact I saw this comment out of the bunch is crazy, male and 26 with the same issues, absolutely debilitating and I just get awful masculine shit projected onto me and feel like such a failure, that just makes the urgency that much worse and I get nothing done EVER.

[@stevec404]

I feel that challenging our deep seated programming with 'improvement' can hyperactivate those programs and put them in a defense mode...against our efforts!

[@RockingRebelYell]

Especially if you're recovering from Trauma or CPTSD

[@lydibugmuzik]

Absolutely. I’m currently processing years of trauma and learning how to feel real emotions after years of pushing them down. Feeling grief, anger, and true sadness for the first time really shocks the system.

[@RockingRebelYell]

@@lydibugmuziki self sabotaged for awhile a relationship with this woman Ive come to deeply love it hurts that the abuse I endured popped back up in a safe situation and I realize Im being toxic. It's such a shitty feeling to know that my bad experiences hurt what was a literally dreamy set of circumstances.

[@RockingRebelYell]

But I’m using that as fuel to stay sober from now on in life. I want to be a good person to her I want to atone so badly.

[@gratefullthirdeye]

DAMN!!!! I Litteraly had the same experience it's soul crushing I had the worst timing my emotions and impulsiveness whenever I'm in that mode and I couldn't hold it in and just blurted it out. I hope your doing better and that we shall tame emotions lol and free ourselves from mental slavery. I think since getting sober im still learning with dealing with emotions Instead of drowning them with alchohol lol I'm grateful to be alive to experience them.

[@RockingRebelYell]

@@gratefullthirdeye its a shame how a bad relationship with our parents can spill to peoole we love and choose to love

[@probablypoetic8759]

I hated that level scaling in games, too!😂 Even though I'm not in therapy, I've still had days where I feel like my progress hasn't been real, or I'm not really getting better..These things you discussed make sense. I can attest to that last one, and having nostalgia for even an abusive relationship 20+ years later. It was very hard to leave it, and yes there were many wonderful times we shared. Same for my marriage, but I've come to realize it's partly due to loneliness, and/or the scariness of doing things on my own now. Thank you, Scott (I figured you sign off on your newsletter that way, so it's okay to call you that). 😊

[@berndgeels]

I just started a new project for one of my employers. Upon completion I will have earned a lot more money and be in a better financial situation than I have experienced in many years. I am excited about the project but also anxious about succeeding. It feels like finally escaping a long phase of hardship...and sometimes I wonder if I will ultimately succeed.

[@justmadeit2]

I would say just be careful opening up about very private things if you don’t feel a connection with a therapist or psychiatrist because it could make you worse if they misunderstand you. Talking is good but sometimes not

[@elektra121]

Oh god, absolutely! Had this lately. I didn't feel good at all, but it was managable. Went to see a therapist, because I heard so much good things about therapy. Tried my best, was as open and raw as I could- and she made it so much worse! I felt so misunderstood all the time and treated like a vaguely interesting insect, not a human being. Said of course there was no hope for me to ever overcome depression, it would be ridiculous to think so. And that you absolutely are supposed to feel worse and worse after every therapy session. After 4 sessions, I was suicidal. Then I told her I wouldnt be seeing her anymore. She had no idea why I would do that. Feel much better after this, it was a good decision. Most of the time, getting better isn't supposed to feel worse and worse. Please keep in mind and trust your guts.

[@justmadeit2]

@@elektra121 I appreciate your reply. I do understand the no pain no gain thing with therapy but with certain topics and deeply personal things, or things around ocd or memories etc they can be misunderstood and a therapist can jump to conclusion’s or make assumptions. It happens. It’s happened to me and you can feel much worse and also worry what’s been put on their notes. Be be very careful is what I would say unless you feel a real connection with your therapist or psychiatrist

[@nocando89]

Yes, and same goes with our friends and family, unfortunately 😞

[@jduggan4129]

I’m been setting at rock bottom for almost 8 years. I have a lot in my life a husband, kids, grandchildren and a few friends. I’ve never heard someone say we find comfort in the sameness even though it’s rock bottom. Thank you so much for pointing that out. Love you. California Joanna

[@sm0g-810]

Yeah you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. I was getting on quite well shortly after starting therapy. I found through challenging thoughts, I felt better about myself. But even though I was starting to do more things and enjoy them, there was always this niggling feeling that something's missing. I always dismissed it as being OCD obsessions. Yeah something might be missing, but I have so much stuff I enjoy doing right now. I still had to push myself to do those things though. But I did get a sense of enjoyment for actually making myself do those things. Recently though I started to feel genuinely motivated to do things again. I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do with my life. And suddenly it felt like I was doing things not because it was good for my mental health but because I genuinely wanted to do them. I can't remember a point during the last 10 years of being depressed that I've actually felt that way. I sort of wish I hadn't had that lift. I'm now hyper aware that part of me is missing. It's really difficult to cope with that. I'm now worse than I was before that lift.

[@bingewatchforever1587]

Dear Dr. Scott, thank you for your content. I have a question/request: Have you made a video about fatigue yet? It would be interesting how to deal with that. No matter how much I sleep, there are only a few hours a day where I am not either mentally tired and/or feel physically exhausted and weak. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything but lay down and take a nap. This is slowing me down at least as much as the lack of drive, the anxiety and the anhedonia. Best regards.

[@Notmyrealname099]

I totally relate to that fear of losing it when you feel better

[@Irmapowerbigpondcom]

Thankyou Scott…3 years it felt like walking through molasses,then kinda suddenly it felt like walking through a swimming pool and then air (normal) i am just just stepping into some activities that bring me joy and i just had a really nice weekend and now my chest is tight and my heart is beating loud and I’m exhausted and I can’t cry , i need to cry but everything is fine fine fine. Now i am aware this will continue to happen the bigger the joy ,I’ll schedule in staring at a tree 🌳for 3 hours Monday morning. And watch your KZbin again 🌳

[@DrScottEilers]

Thank you so much!!

[@TheFactoryOfMusic]

So happy I found this channel.

[@al_5655]

This is similar to how my week has been. On Tuesday I had a really good breakthrough in my depression by noticing how I was self-inflicting internal pain. My mind space became very quiet after that. Great! However, my bad spells seem worse than ever - but in a strange way I put this down to the positive change even if I can't explain why. In any case, I remind myself that I'm better off in terms of progress than I was last week, despite the (very) painful fallout from that progress. Great video - resonated a lot - thank you so much :)

[@evaeggen6928]

You have so many important points here, thank you, you are one of my favorite online doktors, on the topic of depression you are amazingly experienced,. And that give you really credit.

[@Sisoszone]

I'm fairly new to your channel... Am far along a very painful recovery. This vid validated the confusions on feeling worse at times. I have walked headlong into my fears and sat with them until they had no more power over me... the times anhedonia lifts and then closes again hours days and sometimes weeks later they really hurt but as you say you know how to live there.... very well observed content as always. Was trying to make up for a lifetime of loss but now resigned to just take it as it comes... Better the hurt and slow progression than the constant darkness... Thank you for confirming that healing is taking place...

[@jeankipper6954]

After decades of work, layer upon layer, sometimes I notice the pain receding. It's like, ok, now with some breathing room, another level of work can be done. Yes, severe CPTSD, although I mask well. The layers are clearly different. I couldn't even imagine what I'm working on now, 10 years ago. Let alone longer. Things are changing. Even there's some healing. But it seems like there's just more to do. I'm very tired of it.

[@ripple_on_the_ocean]

"Your lost years are gonna be lost, and no amount of being frantic or chaotic or perfectionistic now is going to change that" Definitely makes me so sad. I still have many lost days and it drives me crazy. Like seriously, sand is pouring through the hourglass at an alarming rate, and here comes another day hiding under the covers paralyzed by anxiety??

[@ggstylz]

That was deep. One of your best episodes yet. Thanks!

[@strangerrose538]

Thanks for that Scott-this video came at just the right time-very helpful! x 🌹x

[@SUPERTEROO]

I just wanted to share some thoughts after having watched many of your videos over the past few months. Thank you. Your videos make me feel like I'm not alone or crazy. You have a great way of explaining how things actually feel. As a gamer, the analogies work nicely too. Over two years of building my life back brick by brick. Still a long way to go, but the ups and downs can be scary. The downs because you're afraid you've reset all progress or will never recover. The ups because you've actually forgotten what joy feels like and you're afraid to experience it, because you're worried about what's around the corner. Joy and optimism also feels unfamiliar and almost a little scary for the nervous system. Daily exercise, slowly building better habits, practically improving my life, circumstances, positive self talk (often out loud to counter my inner critic), and celebrating the small victories, have been my ways of slowly recovering. Keep up the good work with the videos, and good luck to everyone with their road to recovery.

[@along9971]

This popped up at the most appropriate time, great episode thanks

[@marmaniac]

Yep! I'm the one who's scared when there is a change and no rational reason to be scared. Because my hut-world starts to move and I'm afraid that this movement might make it fall and create ruins out of it, so I will lose even that little old hut I had. And also "saying goodbye" to things, people, places, eras is something I really hate doing my whole life. Thank you for your video! Very useful and thought provoking as always

[@danielafraser4811]

This is so amazingly helpful. I am improving and crashes are so scary! This has made such great difference to me. I really get it. I think l'm going to be ok ❤ Thank you so much ❤

[@jessIe76468]

Once read a quote that said "If you want to change your life you can't expect to go back to your old habits/life". And "you can't expect to grow stronger and more mature and go back to the toxicity or to what hurt you and be able to deal with it this time".

[@molly9518]

Oh wow! This hit home on so many levels! I will def. have to watch this at least a couple of times more.. So much to take in... THANK YOU!!

[@SjorsHoukes]

19:00 yes, this! I’m making up for lost time. I am going on 42, have no career to speak of, nearly broke, want to emigrate back to my home country, childless and in a shaky relationship. And now I’m in crisis again! I don’t have time for this. I failed, let me try over please. PS,Dr. Scott: you’re not behind AT ALL. You have kids, a career, wrote a book, run a center even!

[@janemccourt5022]

Oh wow, what a wonderful vlog!! Thank you. This has given me so much comfort today, perspective and resonance. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!! xxxxxxxxx

[@sanditeale3632]

You are so kind, so many are nothing like this. Thank you 💛

[@SandyRiggs-u7k]

Wow, you have hit the nail on the head with this!!

[@mobilityproject3485]

17:14 One thing to consider about pathological vs non pathological emotions is that it's not one or the other. For instance, when every bill or deadline has an apocalyptic vibe to it, that's not the "standard realities of adult life" that's pathological, even if the stressors are real. Even if the existence of the emotion is real, the severity of it can be pathological.

[@avivashore3769]

This one made my day! Thank you Dr. Scott

[@janicesitzes241]

I start climbing out of my pit, taking my meds doing self care getting some things done . The problem is I can go for a long time and I don’t change ( my emotions, mood) I just keep trying and then boom I give up and slide back in my pit only to start all over again

[@maggiemondo7459]

Love your take and understanding of mental health recovery and the nuances involved in that process. Very interesting stuff - Thank You !

[@DianaMac-ym5pl]

Thank you sooo much for this. I'm way older than you, but you were definitely talking to me this morning and I'm better for it this very minute. You are appreciated.

[@lynnodonnell4764]

Ya, you have improvements and others do exactly that- PILE ON THE EXPECTATIONS. Then The Collapse happens...

[@eli-fm5zz]

i really appreciate this video

[@kathrynarnold1966]

Thank you for keeping this rolling. The question I come away with is how do I tell the difference between being kinder to myself and just allowing more time vegetating?

[@LadyJpraise2024unbound]

I dont feel scary getting better. I want too. I want to know what it feels like to want to live

[@dianeclayton4936]

Bravo for saying it!!

[@katiteee]

Im so glad you make these videos. I have not heard a single soul be able to explain how ive been feeling until I came across your channel. Life has been hard and really painful so thank you. Maybe little by little ill be able to sit in that discomfort and start to get comfortable with being uncomfortable one day

[@Karlien68]

Wow...this made sooooo much sense!!! Thank you 🙏 I feel the urgency at 55....hit rock bottom 4 years ago. In aca and coda and sometimes running around like a headless chicken feeling I am not progressing. Your video is so validating what I am going through 😢❤

[@aarchie5268]

I love to see this! You’re one of those providers that thinks outside the old stuffy curriculum and add humanity into it all! Thank you. We need more of you! Have you heard of Tim Fletcher? He’s awesome and you kinda remind me of him.