Q&A: Questioning Gender, Toxic Work, Feeling Fake, Giving Up a Lot, Gender Envy, & Crossdressing.

[@Cradle2dagrav]

I think going back after transition simple because of people around you is a bad idea. If they are being toxic now they will still be toxic if you de transition because that cat is already out of the bag. Do what makes sense for you not what makes everyone else feel better. Toxic people will unfortunately always exist, but we can't let them rule our lives. Love yourself and live for yourself. ❤

[@DRZPHD]

Great feedback.

[@randirosehooper8315]

Thank you for your comment I agree with you

[@maddiesaoirse]

For the person struggling with the idea of crossdressing. First off, your experience is very common, particularly amongst those of us over 40 as Dr. Z said. I crossdressed for many years, well over a decade. It, too, had a very strong sexual component. And I thought of myself as a man with a fetish. A sick fetish at that. It wasn't. When I realized I was transgender, I was too afraid to come out of the closet. And I continued to crossdress in order to "dissipate" my feelings of dysphoria. Though I have to admit the desire for the accompanying sexual release disappeared the moment I realized I was transgender. (That is my thing.) That behavior lasted 3 years, and every time I took off the clothes and makeup, I became more and more depressed because I wanted to stay in that form. Ultimately, I overcame my fears about transition. I'm 52 years old so there was a lot to sort out. And ultimately it was self-acceptance, and self-love, along with the support of those around me, that have allowed me to blossom into the woman I am today. And again, this is just my own situation, but I do not look anything like how I used to cross dress. I don't do the makeup, I don't wear the same types of clothes (though I did wear fishnets and a cute skirt to the Barbie movie 😄). I am rather plain Jane. To many eyes I certainly do not pass as a woman. I also don't care how I am perceived by others anymore. But I could never have gotten to that level of confidence had I not done the deep dive into who I am and what I am about without judgement. I don't know if that helps, I hope it does. All the best❤❤.

[@Journey-of-1000-Miles]

This is my story too! take care and good luck.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing your experience and support to others.

[@knifieSp00nie]

There's cross-dressing for sexy fun times, and then there's cross-dressing to read the news.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Rising_Pho3nix_23]

To the person who figured themselves out later in life, a lot of people can relate. Especially in these times. Internet and things like that weren't a thing back in the day. I was raised when floppy drives were all the rage. I remember high school having floppy drives. Now we have instant websites and social networks. You see all these people and you hear their stories and you can relate. People are growing up more open minded and peaceful, so it's okay to talk about this stuff now, where as you felt alone in your secrets when you were younger. I will tell you that according to the Trevor Project, about 7% of the human population is LGBTQ, and that's just the people who felt safe enough to say they were. They don't call it a closet for nothing. We have pride events for a reason. Many many more people are LGBTQ and just don't say anything. So you are most definitely NOT alone.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for your support toward others.

[@carinagomezfernandez7473]

I am a transgender man, 52 years of age and not on hormones yet. Since a few years I crossdress but it doesn't help me because when I present myself masculine people assume I am a butch lesbian. And when I go to the hairdresser and ask for a masculine haircut I only get a pixie cut (no matter how many photos I show at the hairdresser). So the struggle is real.

[@rebeccasam3434]

What the person question 4 describes sounds exactly like what I’ve been doing for yeeears, after coming out the first time. Honestly, it’s probably just my life falling apart the rest of the way that give me the sort of bravery to just try hrt the hell of it. Plus I don’t know that I understood the hormones until fairly recent years. I’m dubious that it will ever help me visibly (though sometimes I think maybe it already has a bit, other times I think I’m making that up). But it has gotten rid of my headaches, made me stop spending about 1/3 of tears feeling weird and out of it physically. It’s fixed a whole bunch of weird little things with my body, and if I go too long without it I feel like absolute garbage and my headaches start threatening to poke through again. I just feel way more neutral and good on it, if nothing else, even if I never really get to be myself. I really can’t do much of anything open simply take HRT. If I had money, I probably would, but…

[@goblin1226]

I'm struggling a lot with gender envy. I also somehow always fall in love with straight women, so that makes my gender envy even worse, cause the people i love are not attracted to my assigned birth gender. The struggle is real tbh ☹️

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear of your challenges.

[@goblin1226]

@@DaveBadger i'm not a butch lesbian lol (⁠ ⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠ ⁠)

[@Miss_Claire]

I felt this.

[@spartysmile5243]

Dear Edna, your look could not be cuter. So chill.

[@DrayseSchneider]

29:47 I held to that narrative for a long time, that this is a cross dressing fetish. In my case it was really something I said to assure ex spouse that was all that this attraction to appearing femme was. But I never crossed dress when intimate with her, it was something that I did in private and not in front of her. Consequently she never saw me cross dress, at least not overtly, until we had been separated for some time and I had finally begun exploring my gender expression more publicly and obviously. It was in my quiet and thoughtful moments that I would sometimes admit the truth to myself. So while my story differs a fair bit, I think understand and feel to a fair degree what the questioner is expressing.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@kaediria]

Hi I love your content!! And I also want to say I kind of relate to the ' feeling like fake ' part, I'm a trans man and I've been like this since I was a kid; as a kid I always believed gender is something about personality and not necessarily related to biological sex; so I've always been a "cis male" inside my brain; but when I grew up and started meeting others and learning about their view I now feel like "im faking being a guy" and that "i should accept reality and that im a girl at the end of the day since I'm AFAB" but I don't feel comfortable being "a girl" at all and IT DOESN'T feel right. ; also the realization of me being considered trans kinda makes me ick because it feels like I'm "transitioning or changing my self" and that im not actually like that; the internalised trans phobia got me and I don't even know how to get over it anymore

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Miss_Claire]

yesssssss I love these Q&A's!!

[@Xcorgi]

P.S, gender envy has always been a huge part of my gender dysphoria. I’ve always been insanely jealous of how much nicer society treats women compared to men. That’s one thing I’m looking forward to with my transition.

[@laurenemilykoster7362]

The last question related to an issue that many of us have, Does crossdressing with a fetish component falsify gender dysphoria and trans identity? And I think your answer was so thoughtful and insightful. Like the questioner I have had an predeliction for feminine things ever since I can remember. But I always thought this was just part of the crossdressing, even though it remained outside of dressing behavior. You made an important point in delineating the these thing, noting that the obsession with feminine things and the female form, if it occurs outside the dressing behavior, is not part of the fetish if there is one. It is its own thing and demands it's own explanation. In particular, it could be a symptom of dysphoria. Am I understanding you correctly? I apologise if I misconstrued your ideas in any way. But your explanation is a revelation in many ways. Like so many, I have had a subconscious desire to dismiss my feelings as fleeting and trivial, a product of sexuality. Now I will really have to face the possibility that they're grounded in gender, a product of dysphoria. Wow. You really nailed the issue, Dr Z. It is almost like I cannot hide any longer.. .but why would I want to hide from myself?

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@catherinehudson5499]

I don't get envious now on seeing beautiful cloths, makeup, hair, nails and all thing feminine. I use the situation now as an educational lesson on how to improve myself. I do remember looking many times before coming out admiring someone's fashion, style and overall presence only for them to suddenly make eye contact, I would then go really red with embracement thinking have I been rumbled. 😊Now as the true me, I engage in conversation, where did you buy this, and how did you do that, and love your shoes. I've gone from total hibernation to living. ''As they say'', I was living an existence before, but now I'm living my life. I'm still not on HRT yet '' been waiting a long time now'' but hopefully I can see light at the end of the tunnel. fingers crossed for December, now that would be a lovely Christmas present to look forward to. Thank you for your Q&A time Dr Z

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@kreed2258]

Thank you for addressing cross dressing issues in the last segment. So helpful to me.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome!

[@davidmiller6045]

Once again, I take so much from your video, Dr Z! So many answers to questions I didn't know how to ask, thank you for your insight

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful!

[@MsChristyCox]

I think if your on the fence thinking I'll never pass. For me it was losing weight. Once I could see a slimmer me I knew and others knew . I can do this . I looked much more feminine. I dress in girls clothes all the time even if it's a t shirt and jeans , there girls clothes. Now I'm starting hormones. Find your own pace ,it's not a race. Non binary helps w my gender dysphoria. ❤❤❤

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@almaseyrafin3680]

Fabulous video Dr. Z… thanks a lot.

[@BCSchmerker]

+DRZPHD *Concerning Question 1 (Time **01:15**), odds-on enby.* Concerning Question 3 (Time 12:58), Askress might have smaller breasts and/or slimmer hips than statistical mean for her height. Ye might want to correct the timestamp Question 5, which should be 24:48.

[@DRZPHD]

Yup I made a mistake.

[@AB_RetroSynth]

I've always wanted to have a KZbin channel where I talk about trans topics. I'm still considering doing so but I am thin skinned and I'm not sure I would be able to handle all of the hateful comments. Most of the trans related videos have a ton of hateful if not only hateful comments. How do you deal with this issue Dr Z??

[@DRZPHD]

Ohh I think you should. Personally, most of the hateful comments are just plainly stupid in context, they are not even critically constructive, so that helps. Other than that I remind myself that they are talking about themselves.

[@randirosehooper8315]

Thank you Dr Z so very insightful

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful!

[@enthusiasticaboutbirds]

Dr. Z, where do you get your fabulous jewelry?

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you. I often find them when I travel.

[@jade_clark1917]

Being non-neurotypical, coming from a poor family, and being "white" AMAB was a very sharp double edged sword. Yes, I now have a good paying job as a software engineer. However, I got singled out for abuse/bullying a lot growing up. People would see that I wasn't performing my gender well and used me as a punching bag of sorts. It was very traumatic especially as I got older people thought I was gay man, and were very homophobic towards me. It caused me a bunch of internalized queerphobia. Queerphobia which I didn’t get over until I became a communist and became educated on the special oppression LGBTQ people face in our society and where that oppression stems from. Then I had to actually start working with LGBTQ people on political issues. Eventually, it got negated and I started questioning myself.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@harrispinkham]

So I guess the breadcrumbs are actually there for me too, just with the opposite direction (ftm). Not ever being interested in lingerie or high heels or fashion and feeling adverse and not being able to relate to any of those “swimwear” or femme shops 😂

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@IssyVoca]

Simular experience here. I always felt like I was playing dress up, when I had to put on clothing typically associated with females. Sometimes it was okay to wear it, most of the times it was like getting ready for carnival / a party. And whenever I was free to chose, I picked jeans and a t-shirt/hoddie/sweater.

[@harrispinkham]

@@IssyVoca Yes!! My style has also always been jeans and a tshirt / hoodie!

[@ronaldcarson2170]

Lisa

[@kathleenwaters3490]

To try and tell someone who isn't trans what it's like is like trying to tell someone what it's like to be depressed when all they've ever been is sad for a while. There's a huge difference and until you experience it you really don't understand. Visually I have always been attracted to women. Sexually, I always wanted to be the woman. Guess what? That doesn't work when trying to have a relationship with a straight woman. So traditional relationships always fail. When you both have feelings and share them it sounds great but straight women don't really like open and communicative men or those of us in touch with our feminine sides like they think they do. They've just never met those men and think it sounds neat. Then they meet us and they don't like it. So romantic relationships with straight women are out which means any sort of nurturing and supportive inter personal relationships with straight women are out because they always want it to lead to sex or have sex big a major part of it and for me it can't be. Alright, so what about relationships with men? Well, I certainly can see a sexual relationship with a man as a female but I want much more than the sexual fantasies of a bimbo tranny or just to wear high heels and skirts. If I were going to fully transition I discovered what I really wanted was to be able to live the life of a lady of at least average attractiveness and social standing. To blend in in a way that would require a high level of passability. Otherwise I'd always be on edge and nervous. I wouldn't want to be Liz the tranny. Just Liz. You know, the therapist, she's married to Mike, the guy that coaches little league at the Y? And I wouldn't want to be Liz, hey, do you think she used to be a man? I would want to be Liz, dang, lady, where did you get those shoes?! And when are you and Mike going to Napa? But I realized that this version of Liz would never be a reality. Would there be something to gain by transitioning? Of course, at least I think so. But not enough to lose, and I would lose, most of what I have now. See, it's not a white male thing whether you want to believe it or not. It's a, hey, you built this under these pretenses and circumstances and now you're changing all of that so we're going to have to part ways. I'm a natural introvert so making new friends or powering through rejection and discrimination would not be possible for me to any level of ultimate benefit.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@someonesomeone25]

I wish I felt more safe wearing cross dress stuff in public.

[@DRZPHD]

I totally hear you.