Are You Afraid People You Love and Care About Will Abandon You if You Transition?

[@wendyvance5144]

When I came out 3 years ago, I was afraid of losing everything, including my 19 year marriage. I did lose the marriage, but in retrospect, I was lonely in that relationship. I have grown as a person since I started my transition. Has it been easy? No. Has it been fulfilling being my authentic self? Yes! I felt like I was finally living my life on my terms. 😊

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. I agree, the gain of authentic self is very worth it.

[@willb1405]

In a way it’s a good way of filtering out your fake friends. If they’re true friends they’ll stick by you no matter what, if not they weren’t real friends.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes, I often say just as much. Its an opportunity to see who is truly with you all the way in.

[@foxhound9260]

I’m terrified to transition. I feel like everyone at my job will hate me. Seems like there a lot trans hate in the world. And most people seem to think trans people are abominations. especially religious people. One day I hope I can be my self but I still look manly mtf and I feel most people will think I’m a joke. also I’m 6’4

[@Tokalotapotseeds]

I had that thought before. I was too tall I'm same height. Was hard on myself for awhile and still am off and on. I realized I met a woman that was 4"3 and also woman 6'8". That's when I started to accept all shapes and sizes phrase. I'm transgender can pick up 300#, throw a football 60+ yards slam dunk a basketball and do it all in the fashion I prefer a dress. I only say this because none of what I said is bad or not qualify me as transgender. I am me and do what I need to be happy. I'm also married and two daughters all known for awhile wife known 18 years. Id only suggestion for you is talk to like minded people and may e seek help with a therapist. I see a therapist now and can't imagine not having help steering myself toward happiness that we all desire.

[@luissonador]

Just be careful, there are such things as toxic environments and toxic people. Ive have both, only you can be the judge of that and safety, and with the help of therapists, answers will crop up. Ive just severed two long time toxic relationships with the help of therapy. Just remember, life is not a straight road, but full of twists and turns to get where you want to be.

[@DRZPHD]

@Capsule Corp safety always comes first. There is a difference between fearing others not being friends with you or not talking to you and a fear of someone being violent toward you. Always be careful and mindful of your surroundings.

[@christinerebstock3656]

I’ve been fortunate that no one abandoned me & people have been very supportive of me

[@DRZPHD]

Thats so great!

[@Tokalotapotseeds]

I can say I abandoned myself for years. Been through 13 schools growing up and had loss from all of em. I never was able to stay connected and that abandonment compounded. That I guess made me think abandonment wasn't a choice. Dysphoria destroyed me over the past two decades at different parts of my life. I am trying to climb this mountain and just be happy. It's so hard but more I share the happier I am and the less I feel like I'm worthless to myself. This past six months I have been seeing a therapist. This has helped me in so many ways I could not have seen, expected, or thought I needed. Now I realize I'm worth everything. Still having a hard time being social transition completely. That time is coming asap, Its my time to live happy. My wife supports me and my two daughters. It's hard to do it but it's harder not being true to ones self. My mind body and soul are aligning.

[@DRZPHD]

So glad to hear you are working on this and are starting to feel happier. You are absolutely worth it! Worth having a life as your true self.

[@jod5mx23]

This is so wonderful! I’m happy for you :)

[@saraannefay2196]

This is not a fear for me. I do fear feeling isolated and alone, but I do not worry about others abandoning me. It has happened, of course, during my transition several friends have disappeared, but fortunately all my extended family members have accepted me as I am. I’m lucky that way.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am glad you have your family.

[@somebodylikesbacon1960]

YT recommend showed this to me at a good time, I've been feeling terrible recently because my family is transphobic and the friend group I hang out with most makes me scared to come out sometimes and I'm beginning to realize how toxic one of my friends has been. thank you

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear about the negative people around you. I hope you find those who support you.

[@alannaofrann6767]

I didn't begin transitioning until late in life. The primary reason I finally "bit the bullet" was when a revelation occurred... I realized that I did not want to die having never known what my life would be like as a woman. That idea spurred me on to where I am today...3.5 years on hormones and living as a female 24/7. I have found that which I have been desiring all these many years...and with it has come happiness!! And here it comes.. "I should have done it years ago"! Alanna

[@DRZPHD]

I am glad you had this realization and are happy in your life.

[@joalchin]

I had the same revelation. Today is my birthday and the first as Jo. I’ve lost some close people but made some closer friends. Life is better. Ditto on “wish I’d done it earlier”. I hope we both can be examples to others that they can transition and be happy.

[@lipr12]

Thats my biggest fear.

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear.

[@JherricaHarris]

I was truly afraid of losing someone, married 16 yrs. Gave up everything only for them to leave once I decided on my transitioning journey. I do hurt whenever it comes to the holidays, but I choose to continue to move forward, and I am so glad that I am finally able to be my true self. I know I will find love again and I will make life long friends who will support me

[@dinahnicest6525]

I'm 66 years old. I've been considering transitioning for more than 40 years. All of the friends I was most worried about losing, I lost anyway when we chose our careers and got married. We didn't fight or even actively decide to stop being friends. We just slowly gravitated in different directions as we began to want different things in life than what the old friends were sharing. There have been very few people in my life with whom I could connect emotionally, and so the desire for such friends has grown far beyond what it was in the past. I know now it's because I have the emotional mind of a woman who has always had too many male friends. I don't intend to dump any of them. I still enjoy their company. But I think that if I were to transition, it would be easier to make friends among women who would be more likely to share an experience of life more similar to my own.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@alannaofrann6767]

When I began transitioning (by taking estrogen) I was all of 67 years old. Today I am 71 and am passing everywhere I go. Now I am en femme 24/7 and the happiest I have ever been! Of course I can only speak for myself, but of my entire enclave of dozens of family and friends, I have only been turned away by three people. I can easily live without them. I'm guessing your ratio of friends to losses will be less traumatic than you think. Good Luck! Alanna

[@debisaunders2298]

Hi Dinah. I have had the same experience and I am so looking to starting on hormones and finally becoming myself

[@Smarshy89]

You always seem to have a video about exactly what I'm going through. Thank you so much for your support.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome.

[@dodge69uk]

I would like to start by saying a big thank you for the information i have benefited from your videos. I'm 55 and have started my transition after decades of confusion and depression and today i finally told my best friend of 30 years knowing that it might break our friendship but to my surprise he was very understanding and accepting my decision. It was the most uplifting feeling and like a great weight was lifted off my shoulders and know i feel lighter and more confident in myself. To anyone in that position yes there are some that will object but more will be understanding. You all great people and deserve the life that makes you happy like i have found in myself.

[@trailexploring2810]

I dont understand how this channel doesnt have 1million followers yet

[@DRZPHD]

Hahaha love you!

[@Direrain72]

Its my parents. I am 30, capable on my own, married (partner knows and is supportive), and we don't even live in the same part of the country. I should have no problem going my own way, and yet, I feel this incredibly tight connection to them. I've done my best to maintain a cordial and familial connection to them, despite things that have come between us, and we've usually been able to overlook those things. Coming out to them though, and starting to go ahead with transitioning is something that really terrifies me. There is this sense of impending doom almost, like once I get started on this, there is no going back, and they will find out. Bridges will be burned, and I will no longer have the family relationship to them that I do. And I know it won't sit well with my folks, they are all devoutly religious and conservative people, and I am already the black sheep of the family because I have differing views politically. Once this all comes out, that will be a wrap basically. Best case, I get exiled from the family, worst case, they come after me and my partner. Its that feeling of losing an entire group of people in my life over this, and not being certain if its the right thing to do or what I have to gain in the process.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@GuellouzShems]

I feel the same...

[@cathyburbulessexton1877]

I have a lot of loss in my past. I was a military kid so moved around a lot. I enjoy my own company but I’m a people pleaser and the ultimate fear is that I will do something wrong and they will leave. It sucks.

[@foxhound9260]

I feel yah on that! I don’t like the saying people pleaser I think we’re just good people who like to see the best in others! And people try to make that a bad thing!

[@DRZPHD]

@Cathy Burbules Sexton I am sorry to hear of your fear.

[@cathyburbulessexton1877]

@@DRZPHD I’m working on it. 😊

[@warrenhall8040]

I let fear of abandonment and not living up to other’s expectations cripple me in countless ways for 20-23 years. I’m 33 now and it was only several years ago I knew I had to talk with someone about my situation. It wasn’t until several months ago I can honestly say I have finally allowed myself to validate myself and accept myself for who I have always known myself to be. It has been an extremely difficult road to travel, but everyday seems to get better.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you moved forward with your life.

[@kamikkaze5164]

I fall in the second category. At the same time I already feel lonely, like no one can understand what I've going through the last 7 years

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear that and hope you can find supportive people who do understand.

[@Vampirebear13]

Used, abused & abandoned is the story of my life. I've become so introverted, that I almost go nowhere by myself. And when I am out, it only for short periods, such as going to the gas station & grocery shopping. :-( I did get brave & get my nails done about a month ago but was so nervous I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. But the nail tech is VERY nice & understanding & I think we're almost "friends" & I'll be having my nails redone next Tuesday, this time more femme than goth.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats great that you starting to push yourself out there.

[@zaykillinit9626]

I was denial about being trans agender. Mostly because of everything that comes with being trans. Now I know, I can’t stop thinking of all the stuff I’ll have to face but it’s not just the harsh reality of the way I’ll be viewed and treated by society it’s the fear of doing all of this by myself. I know I can push thru and do it myself. I’ve done everything by myself my whole face but I realized when found my truth that I don’t want to do this alone and the relationships I have now in my like are disrespectful and I’ve never felt safe with them, but they are family and I’m afraid of losing them even tho I know the support was never there to begin with it’s just the thought of being alone dealing with this with no one at all is terrifying. This year I’m spending the holidays with family for the first time since Covid. Covid gave me the time to spend with myself that I didn’t have before as a full time student. That time I was around them, my mental health was bad for a while leading up to seeing them and afterwards as usual. This time im not willing to put myself through that again but im really scared. How do deal if they don’t accept?

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@glenelg008]

I am currently experiencing this I came out to my two sisters my cousin a close friend and my wife. They told me that they support me and would be there if I need them, sounds good but in reality not one of these people after I came out have ever reached out to me find out how I was going. Maybe it was me I thought, so I reached and shared for good news that happened I was told too soon and we are grieving. I am currently at the stage of regretting my decision to come out. I have never felt so alone in my life I am no longer sharing any information because I can't handle the rejection. The biggest loss is going be my wife because she is unwilling to deal with it so a 39 year is gone after 3 weeks.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry to hear.

[@amyleblanc224]

For myself, I am 40 years old and have never been in a relationship or dated anyone and I am still single with never been married and it hurts being alone. I think that I fit in the Abandonment area a little cause from a very young age at 5 years old, my mom and biological father got a divorce which I also found out that it has caused a lot of trauma to me as well. with living with my mom and sister and how my mom was a single parent raising 2 kids is not very easy. both myself and my sister ended up growing up pretty fast as we were left home alone for a bit while my mom had to work and we were cooking at a very early young age, so I really did not have anyone there for me. My mom tried to make time for the 2 of us kids but a single parent is no easy task. So I think that I fall into the abandonment area even though my mom tried, it just was not enough.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@qia2chiffre15]

I transitioned last year to my new cat form; I loose all my dog friends but I gain lots of cats friends! I would never come back !

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear it worked out for you.

[@tonyaparker8563]

damn your good ,,, this video touch my heart ,,,, i hadnt even thought about abandonment even though there has been much of it in my life ,,,, its been 24 years since my last relationship with anyone ,,, then i started coming out to friends and family and poof everyone disappeared ,,it started happening again

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear it was helpful.

[@varelsemind5741]

I came out to my family recently, and they are struggling so much to be supportive of me, that I can only feel grateful for them being supportive. But I'm also feeling a crushing guilt, because they are clearly uncomfortable, especially my mother, and I feel that I'm imposing myself on them, that I'm taking away the person they knew to be someone else, someone new. This guilt has been holding be back a lot, lately - I feel I'm being selfish and vain. Has anyone ever experienced a similar feeling?

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so much guilt. Yes, guilt is incredibly common. It is important to realize that you did not choose GD. I often ask people, if they had cancer would they also feel guilty?

[@GuellouzShems]

I feel the EXACT same thing, every single day... I feel guilty and I feel like a burden.

[@blakelopez6309]

For a long time since I was a teen and until around now that I'm 21 (going on to be 22 later this year) I felt very unsure of who or what I was. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life professionally and just in general. The concept of me felt very blank. Among women I didn't feel correct and I did make friends with men but I was also bullied a lot so I was pretty lonely. I just always hated the fact that I was labeled as a girl. For a bit I thought that I was nonbinary but that didn't feel like me. After getting a short masculine haircut and being called a guy by customers, I let go of my doubts. I never wanted to be called a girl again. I was and am in fact a man. I felt so happy and although a had dysphoria being called a woman, nothing beat the euphoria I got from being called a man. I am afraid of coming out to my parents. Although I live with them and they get mad about any stupid thing, I think I'm going to tell them soon. They may have wanted a girl, but I guess it turned out they got another boy. Ripping the band-aid now sooner than later might be a good thing anyways. I know they might not kick me out since one of my bros died being homeless and they don't want that happening again. They might not accept me but I'm tired of wondering if they really love me as much as they say they do or if it'll change if I embrace who i am fully. Hopefully it all goes well

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@excxmoody]

I've gotten over that fear, merely trying to open up about myself on any level that's already happened.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats great!

[@elsieparker8802]

I was well along the path to knowing I'm trans when I was 16, but fear of my family's rejection made me repress it all. I finally came back to myself at 32 and faced that fear again. This time though I was emotionally and financially independent and I knew my happiness was more important. My fears weren't misplaced though: I lost nearly my entire birth family. However, I gained the ability to love myself, which has completely overshadowed the losses.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your family.

[@juliamiller2299]

I have no fear of people abandoning me since that's already happened to me in the past when I came out as gay. This time around I will only tell the people in my life that I think should know and others (like my parents and siblings) are not going to find out since I no longer have a relationship with them anyways. I hope this makes sense.

[@DRZPHD]

Makes sense. Do what feels best for you. Coming out is not always about telling everyone.

[@danielgouge4639]

My solution was to let go of family and friends who would give me a hard time abandon them before they abandon me. I knew for sure how they felt and thought about me so it was the thing to do. Abandonment issues prior to taking that step. I wasn't really alive within I would have continued to have been that fake image of what they wanted me to be had I not left them behind to further find me.

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear and wish you all the best.

[@jessalynanne5825]

Once again dr. Z you are spot-on with my situation I do fear losing my wife losing my marriage telling my children the people I work with knowing it just locked me up back in fear but you brought up a great point that I am losing myself in the process I have spent the past few years alienating all my friends on Facebook my male Facebook page eliminating people on there not talking to friends and family so as to distance myself from everyone so that the day I do start for Moe's in transition full-time I don't have a lot of explaining to do because I'm not in a daily conversation with all these people in my life I fear losing my wife I do have fear of her moving on and being happy in a loving relationship and me being all alone I fear not being invited to my children's wedding when they get married or the birth of their children my grandchildren but you are absolutely right I am so alone now it honestly can't be any worse I know for me personally I will need to be alone while I transition I don't want to hurt anyone else in my life but I truly know that being alone I need to find love and be myself for the first time in my life even though it sounds scary I also have moments of excitement just thinking about it

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@erickavan]

I lost my firstvwife when I came out to her after a few months of marriage, so the fear is real. I married again and have been married for 20 years, my kids are 14 and 15. I had an accident that put me on a wheelchair for 5 years, after 7 surgeries I can walk with a cane but need assistance for several tasks, so if I am abandoned it would be very challemging. My wife is loving and supoortive of my disability but I often feel like I'm a burden and if she didn't abandone me for becoming disabled she probably would if on top of that I'm trans. I raised my kids very religious and they may also disown me specially as they grow and leave. I could overcome my wife leaving me, maybe, but I could not overcime my kids disowning me. Lately I have been super depressed and I know its because of GD and I desperately need to transition, but these fears hold ne back.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear about your fears.

[@erickavan]

@@DRZPHD Dr Z, in a few sentences, could you please give me some more insight into how to analize this fears and try to find a way forward?

[@Chronoplague]

This came at an interesting time, because I’m coming out to my family tomorrow. I’m expecting negative responses from some, but I’m excited to finally live as my true self. There is something I wanted to request. I was wondering if you would be willing to make a video directed towards those who might struggle with their family members or friends who are transitioning. In the past when you’ve spoken about the perspectives of the people around us, you’ve shown a lot of sympathy and compassion for their feelings as well, which is something I haven’t really seen on other KZbin channels or blogs. I’ve struggled to find shareable materials to help the people around me understand things like gender dysphoria and why transitioning feels so necessary for those of us who experience it. I guess I just think having something to share with less open-minded loved ones would be nice.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for commenting. You mean a video directed at family members discussing feelings they may feel, why they feel them, and how to help and be there for the person transitioning?

[@Chronoplague]

@@DRZPHD that is exactly what I’m talking about! I’ve found that many channels that share some great information take an “us vs them” approach, which makes it hard to share. Oh, and thanks for responding so quickly!

[@DRZPHD]

@@Chronoplague Great topic. Will add to the list. I don't believe in us vs them approach. For many, family matters and we also need to acknowledge that it is a process for them as well. While complete family negativity or hatred is not ok, some amount of resistance is normal.

[@Chronoplague]

@@DRZPHD I appreciate it. Your videos have really helped me on my journey. I’ve still got a lot to work on, but I can see the path now. Thanks.

[@adrianarreola71]

it's a real fear for me. But I have found that my reality is that I am trans, and that I will even have a new family, a group of people who support me for who I am, not for what I can give them, which has been a great shame for them. Not all of them, I think my children support me, they are adults now, but I am already in the process of divorce. What will happen? I don't know, but what I do know is that there are people who are already accepting me as I am and that is my new family. Thanks Dr as always. I already consider you as part of that new family :).

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am glad to be here to help in limited capacity.

[@azaleajade]

What if you are but aren't afraid of being abandoned? Like for me, I was abandoned by my mother at the age of 1 and then my father at the age of 2. My grandparents on my father's side ended up adopting me and raising me, one passed away a couple decades ago, the other is still around that being my Grandmother. I myself came back to take care of her a few years back after she suffered a stroke that left her partially mentally disabled, as I felt she did it for me when I was growing up that I could do it for her in her final years. I've already come out to my family members from my mothers side, like I wasn't afraid to lose any of them at all, and we did all have relationships still the entire time. I have also come out to my Aunt on my fathers side. Now the only one I am afraid to come out to is my Grandmother, partly due to her old school religious beliefs, and partly due to how much it would hurt for the person who raised me and the person I gave up a lot of years of my life to take care of not to accept me. Now on the other side of the coin by not being able to just tell her, I am also hurting myself. Since I am her caregiver and am around her a lot, I can not fully be myself.

[@DRZPHD]

HI and and I am so sorry to hear of your past, how incredibly painful.

[@philipe7937]

Dr. Z, you are amazing. You are touching on every fear I have and every concern I have. Thank you.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome.

[@zeng58]

I’m transitioning planning to come out my biggest fear is my mother I cry thinking about. I am a transgender female ready to take hormones

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@marisa_nyaa]

Fear of others abandoning me is something I still deal with. I keep reminding myself how I hate people prejudging me before they know me, so I try to not expect the worst from others when I came out to them or even now when I meet new colleagues or students through work.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry this seems to be the fear you are struggling with.

[@freyjafoy6081]

Thank You for addressing this. Abandonment is definitely one of the things I have worried about, long before I finally decided to begin my medical transition. That feeling has only been exacerbated since I started HRT, but I’m moving forward. Your insight helps a lot.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you well.

[@junerei8148]

Full transition will be the end of my 30 year relationship with my wife (at least as it stands right now) I am hoping like hell she’ll come around to the idea in the next few years......... I don’t want to give up what we’ve built but I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not without the relationship suffering anyways.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@mrtmop1]

It'll happen. People will either ditch you right away or they will act great and supportive at first then soon down the road dump ya like a bad habit. Most people are unloyal and can be downright cruel.

[@DRZPHD]

Sadly yes, people can and are very cruel.

[@Eva-oh9yl]

Personally I feel that I’ve built such strong relationships with citrin people my family and I know they support me and love me no matter what though there are others I don’t have as close a bond with but still love and rely on so much because they’ve helped me progress through life ... I’ve already expressed and am open about the fact I’m attracted to men and they have come to support that though... I have attempted to come out as trans quite a few times and I haven’t received as positive a response from those people (my mother and father)... honestly I’m lost in a world of idk what to do and helplessness because these people I rely on could just refuse to want anything to do with me especially when I know there are difficult times for me to come and I’ll need all the support as I can get (especially from those I am really close too and have built a strong relationship of trust knowing who they are as an individual)

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@veganarchistcommunist3051]

This is me for sure. O want to come out and start medical transition but I'm not sure who I trust telling. I'm also worried about workplace discrimination, even though I work with a trans man. I'm a supervisor so I get this feeling that I'll be seen as a weak leader or that I'm unfit to lead based on my identity.

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear and I hope you'll be able to move past the fear.

[@debisaunders2298]

My mindset has changed recently. I know that I want to transition and that I will! Some people will come with me on that journey and others will not. My wife will probably not, but my son will. And I already have a good friendship group who will go with me.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats a great shift.

[@lockebesse5223]

I am not normally at a loss for words after viewing one of your videos, but I find myself perplexed today. I’m having to parse your points individually to determine where I stand on all of this. In no particular order (except covering your main point first) this is what I do know. Fear of losing others is not holding me back from transitioning. When I finally grasped and accepted who I am, I was energized, freed, euphoric. There was nothing anyone could do or say to make me compromise, subvert my needs for continued harmony and acceptance. A gay friend who has been married to his partner for 14 years and previously was married to a woman with whom he had a son together observed, “You are about to find out who your friends really are.” Fair enough. I was ready. I may lose people in my life, but there is a whole other world out there to explore and people to connect to who are on the same journey as I. I saw possibilities, not loss. I had become stagnant anyway. My life was drab, colorless. I was drifting along an invisible current, powerless to change direction. So no, fear of loss did not hold me back. But you raised another point, differentiating those who have suffered loss and those who have not and how equipped they are to deal with it. I’m not sure how or if I fit into your categories. I have suffered extreme loss, boy have I! Two wives walked out on me, one because I was too career oriented, the other because I was not ambitious enough. A third died. My current wife is so volatile (bipolar type 1) that I never know who I am dealing with one moment to the next. That can be incredibly isolating. In the last 15 years my two very best friends died from cancer. My mother emotionally abandoned me when I was young. At least she is consistent. Her input into my life has been uniformly critical and dismissive, but she expects me to provide for her needs on her own terms. I spend a lot of time alone in her presence. I was always a high achiever, itself a form of isolation. I was viewed as someone who did not need guidance, who was self-sufficient, so left to my own devices, and peers were often intimidated by my success so maintained a “respectful” distance. I have lots of experience being alone and being abandoned-and I hate it. I have spent decades in essentially solo endeavors. I have spent far more time working for myself than larger organizations and have learned that I do not function very well in isolation. I tend to get stuck. I can do it, but I am much more comfortable and productive working with at least one other person. I do not enjoy, much less relish, being alone. I don’t think I deal with loss particularly well though I have done it often. I am confused. I don’t know what kind of person I am: one who handles loss well and just does not know it or a fearful child hanging desperately on to the small group inhabiting my life? Does the sense of purpose I feel in having embraced my essentially female identity changed me? Do I even know what kind of person I am? I am still evolving; time will tell.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. Just looking at what you shared my intuition is that you deal with loss well, however, while having great resources to deal with it, you my be also repressing feelings of pain associated with it.

[@gwendolinegoetz9224]

That's an interesting point. This is probably a mutual fear for our couple. But, I never have such fears. I have more to fight with shame and guilty in the first months after my social transition, but this is over.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats great to hear that this fears don't bother you.

[@jamiehetfield4270]

so far during this I've only lost one person my bass player just doesn't get it and he quit the band that actually made me very angry and then I decided they need me I don't need them I'm the lead guitar player I'm the lead singer I'm the rhythm guitar player we are a three-piece band and it is what it is his biggest thing was that he couldn't understand was I wouldn't be able to stand up and pee so some people just don't get it thank you for the video this really helped a lot of course I haven't come out to everybody and I may not actually when I'm a full female let's see if they recognize who I am kind of like hide and seek I don't know if that's the way to go but that's my plan for some people like I said before after other videos I have a long way to go

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@rainbowreflections5892]

Well, the sentence about abandoning myself really was the one I missed. Thanks a lot, in any case our "mission" in life is to be ourselves at the very core and transitioning, if really needed, cannot be hidden. There would be always a part unfulfilled in us.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes, its important to re-claim yourself.

[@rbrindell]

I have so much to say on this subject as I have lost my son (and subsequently my 3 grandkids) a sibling (although we reconciled two years later) friends, colleagues and others. As I have mentioned in the past I also had to deal with the illness and death of my spouse and many of our friends who thought I was selfish for doing such a thing to her while she was ill. Be that as it may losing people in my life is a familiar thing as I lost my Mom at the age of 5 to cancer so I have deep routed feelings of abandonment. That said, I have also gained so many people in my life. People who know the real me, not my pretend facade I put up for 60 years before coming out. Yes I have lost much, but have gained much as well. I would do it again the same way if I had to. I am much happier now. I will no longer lose myself at the expense of others’ happiness. Remember you are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Don’t give that power to others. Be you! Be authentic. You’ll find your spot in the world sooner or later.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing such great points of losses and also of gains. We often forget the possibility of gains and fixate on loss. I am sorry to hear of your losses and happy for your gains.

[@theresemcknight1860]

It is one of my fears.

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear.

[@johnwang9914]

Doesn't take long for the fear of people abandoning you to become a belief that everyone already have. I wonder how many people are driven by such fears to AI chatbots like Replika and AI therapists such as Wyse and what efforts are being made in these fields to address the multitude of reasons why people would seek them.

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry I am not sure what you are asking exactly?

[@johnwang9914]

@@DRZPHD I guess there was two comments in there and probably should've been two paragraphs or at least two separate posts. The first being that I suspect the fear of being abandoned may cause you to distance yourself just to avoid that feared loss and hence you may gradually lose the relationship you feared losing to the point of believing you have already lost them. The second thought which is in a way a query, is that clearly one would still seek contact, perhaps and probably of a seemingly anonymous nature and this may be driving people to AI chatbots and AI therapy apps as a means of a relationship without consequences and I wondered what the developers of these AI's are doing to address this at least in terms of giving access to help for those who are flocking to them. Have they even consulted the psychology community as to what to look for, what to do, aren't their efforts in essence magnified amateur psychology as a happenstance. To a certain extent the social media comments you are receiving to you videos are this reaching out for some seemingly anonymous contact with less fear of consequences than discussing issues with friends and family. Maybe it would be worthwhile to contact the AI chatbot and therapy companies and ask them what they are doing to address transgender dysphoria and distinguishing it from other issues as well as noting it being combined with other issues.

[@D10078]

My uncle already said id be ugly as a female and no change for love

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@D10078]

@@DRZPHD secretof been taking transformation labs M2F set cant pay for a real doctor help. Player 1 erase file. Start new character.

[@lunacano6879]

Been diagnosed BPD so it felt so much worse when my ex wife left me due to wanting to transition. I feel so alone often. 😞

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@averyeventfulanxiety5917]

i just recommended you to my best friend who just recently came out as trans. you have helped a lot

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and I hope the content will serve them as well.

[@JonaSauerAutorin]

I just want to thank you for your work. I feel like every one of your videos just comes at the right time. Just today I thought about coming out and felt to afraid to do so. Last week I was in paralysis analysis just to learn about it when I watched your video. They seem to resonate with me so much lately

[@DRZPHD]

I'm so glad!

[@scottgreen6473]

Dr I really need to be me when I lived as a woman for 2 years I was completely free but I made mistake and got caught and had to do things I didn't want to keep it a secret at my job .I had to make a decision to keep being mistreated by these people or start over so I chose to start over as this disgusting guy and I have forced myself to live this way and I absolutely hate it I need to be me but I know when I come out and start my transition I will be divorced and lose a lot but iam dieing inside .when I look in a mirror I don't see this disgusting thing iam living I see me the women inside and she's crying to be set free please help me she's dieing inside please please.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@mariasureda5003]

thank you, your voice relaxes me

[@DRZPHD]

You're welcome 😊

[@lilithlincd6275]

A Sexual Transition is not always abandoned, sometimes it does not even begin when you know what you have to lose in your life, in fact it is not an easy decision ...

[@DRZPHD]

I agree the decision is a tough one for many.

[@lilithlincd6275]

@@DRZPHD Thankful for your answer, in life things are not always easy and everyone feels differently ...

[@jo1681]

I came back to this video after learning about attachment theory. Does attachment theory affect how someone transitions?

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Attachment theory and specifically how we attache to others will affect your relationships and will also affect how you undergo transition.

[@jennifergenie2367]

🙏 thank you so much

[@DRZPHD]

You’re welcome 😊

[@fivefingered]

I definitely fear abandonment. My family will most likely support me, but my wife is not very keen on being married to a woman and I fear losing her in the process. I also fear losing my job. It took me a long time to achieve my career goal of being a teacher after spending decades in the retail world, and I am not willing to give that up just yet. So for me it feels like I need to wait, and deal with the dysphoria on a day to day basis. On a side note, people who are comfortable being alone/on their own need to be aware that drowning themselves in internet, social media, video game, etc. is just another form of self medication and avoidance. I've been there too, getting lost in the online world and using it as a balm for my discomfort rather than actually dealing with it. Just saying.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@laurabushey2667]

One of the more bizarre things that I've discovered is that it's impossible to ascertain who will be accepting and who won;t. Individuals that I thought were liberal and open minded were often much less accepting than I had anticipated, while the reverse was often true of individuals that i thought were hard core conservatives. When I was growing up, I was always the "oddball kid". Even though I always had friends, I was used to being alone much of the time. As an adult, I've always been very independent. I'll do things alone even if nobody else wants to join me, and no one can talk me into doing anything that I don't want to do. Despite my independence, however, I must admit that my honesty about my true nature happened as a result of not wanting to be alone as often.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes sadly not knowing how people will react add to this. I agree, I often find people who seem very conservative being more open and accepting than those who appear liberal. Weird split.

[@briantracy1324]

Not unusual... us conservatives believe in personal freedom,, liberals are control freaks...

[@laurabushey2667]

@@briantracy1324 Are you serious? Barely even thinking about it, I can name three egregious violations of personal freedom: Restrictions on reproductive rights, "bathroom bills", and restrictions on transgender athletes.

[@TheOperamore]

Doctor, can you also make a video about a possible menstruation of trans woman on hrt? Some people say it is only psychosomatic but some actually experience it regularly without blood. Which is true? I am newly transitioning. Im so curious about this. Wish I had one

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. I am not sure what you mean by menstruation as trans women are unable to menstruate due to biology.

[@DavidGonzalez-dz8ww]

Dr. Z I have a question I came out to my family and some friends they told me that they accept me but now it’s getting super hard for me to present my self as my true self, I thought it will be easier after telling them..do you think living in a homophobic, transphobic household when I was a kid has something to do with!!

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Its possible. It is also possible that its just difficult for you to present as yourself because presenting as who you are is something new for you and hence tends to bring up anxiety.

[@DavidGonzalez-dz8ww]

@@DRZPHD in that case what should I do? I really want to present as my true self but I don’t know how to start in front of my family!

[@Jymnopolis]

Kind of feeling like letting them all go with the false gender I was born to. In a deep trough following doing hospice care for gpa-in-law. Now watching the family vulture over his paltry legacy has me disgusted with the lot of them including my spouse. Perhaps Gemme needs a full restart?

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@tremereowen]

Does "abandonment" apply to a situation of feeling ignored by family?

[@DRZPHD]

That depends on you and whether you see being ignored as being abandoned.

[@tremereowen]

@@DRZPHD ,obviously, if you are ignored you are not physical alone, but, if you are the youngest of several siblings, who are already adults while you are still a kid, your mom is either depressive or maniac, your father is always working or travelling away and, when he is around he behaves more like a boss than a father, no one knows what you are up to and only care about you behaving "properly", your opinion never gets to care to anyone, you get to feel quite lonely, I just don't know if we're talking about the same thing or if is even relevant.

[@jennifergenie2367]

Do you have good price for people can’t paid $300 :(

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. I dot now have a sliding scale and my services are $280. For those who are not able to afford my services, I offer KZbin content, blogs, as well as free surgical evaluations and write ups for CA and FL residents (license rules). Hope this helps.

[@daphneallyn9386]

I feel this and even if I transition I wonder if just having the "driveway" and not having the "lovely cottage" at the end of it would be acceptable i.e. to only end up with partial female sex organs no uterus fallopian tubes or ovaries. I just wish I could swap bodies with a FTM person. Maybe someday science will facilitate this. P.S. I love your earrings and necklaces in your vlogs.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. Many also feel this sense of "incompleteness" if you will. I am sorry to hear.

[@daphneallyn9386]

@@DRZPHD It is a factor to consider for sure. It seems to me SRS is an expensive journey that ends short of the desired goal. But it is the closest option that current science can provide. The up side is I would be rid of the genitals that I dislike and cause me such mental pain.

[@miamaxim7662]

why all your videos have low volume?

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry, the volume seems fine on my end.

[@GoddessLadyRei]

Well they did not abandon me, but they may have well have. They refuse to use my new legal name and refuse to use my pronouns.

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear.

[@brf1002]

I hate my body I hate being male

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear that.

[@heathermichellepetee927]

name change

[@DRZPHD]

You mean you fear name change?

[@jen8441]

Do we Begrudge those who choose not to stay through transition? If we choose to seek our authentic selves. Is it not their right to choose? So often we cast dispersions against others but we fail to see through their eyes. We are caught up in ourselves our problems or issues , that we have no tolerance for theirs. I see this quite often especially from people who post here. They ignore other people suffering. I’ve been reading comments all the comments for well over a year and it’s clear I’m not making this up. It’s not an allusion , I am not calling anyone out , I am not trying to be down on anybody. It is their choice. Sad as that reality is, it is truth. And sometimes the truth hurts. How many likes did you get? For thinking that way? I know I’m not popular so be it. I’m not in a popularity contest I’m just trying to be honest to myself.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. I believe, and my latest video makes it very clear, that one has to respect a choice of others in their life even if that choice is painful.