Are You Doubting You Are Transgender?

[@CorwinFound]

At 40 I said to myself, "If I was 20 things would be different. But I'm not 20. I'm a 40 year old woman and even if I'd have been better off born male, it is what it is. I've survived this long, I'll be okay." Now I'm 45 and have decided that surviving and okay isn't enough. I deserve more. I don't know where the path will end but just being on this path is better than being in a dead end circling around and around.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@bertram46]

I'm a good listener?

[@ΜαρίαΚοκόση-ε8δ]

I am biologically female,a 38year Old woman married to a man and I have always wanted to have a male chest.I Still feel very uncomfortable wearing dresses,skirts,bras and binders and I still suffer from breast dysphoria over these years..my breasts are quite large and I hate them and my dream is to have a male chest in the future.. however I don't feel comfortable to be called by a male name,as I know very well that I am biologically female and straight woman not a lesbian... but I believe that I am trans and that I am a non binary person in fact biologically female..my name is Maria and I still don't want to change it into a male one, even when I have a female to male top surgery in the future..

[@joanna62]

For me it took a stroke and a marriage breakup to finally have that water shed moment. Now at 57 finally living my truth

[@DRZPHD]

So sorry to hear. Sometimes it is the most painful things in life that push us in the direction we need to go.

[@joanna62]

Yes unfortunately that is very true

[@Louisejames23]

Yes totally relate, mine was a combination of things including losing my dad that pushed me.

[@a.k.a8992]

Omg Dr.Z how the hell havve you known the word for word statements

[@alexisvan222]

@@Louisejames23 Lost mine too. All the best to you

[@Mitchellangelo]

I'm so lucky I was able to transition before 21, and figured out who I was so young. Must be extremely hard to do so when you've already build up a life (kind of) and have pushed it away for so many years! I can just start my adult life as myself, and do it the right way from the beginnig. I'm grateful.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes the sooner one can do it the better!

[@robin_ho_]

I'm 55 and coming out this weekend to my wife as trans and gay. I've already had a HRT consultation, have blood work scheduled and notified my doctor to see if he has any medical concerns. The ball is rolling and after self-doubling and suppressing Robin for 46 years I'm ready for my journey. Thank you for your videos! 😘

[@trublgrl]

I am probably the sadder example. I was 100% sure I was trans in my 20's, but I told myself I could not transition. I stopped doing those 'masculinization' behaviors such as dating, pursuing my career in a male-dominated field, athletics, etc. So here I am years later, transitioning when the buildup of pain reached the breaking point. Now I look back and see how much easier it would have been when I was first sure. But whatever, no regrets. There's no way forward in looking backwards.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I love your attitude about it.

[@wendyvance5144]

Hi, Dr. Z! This video stirred up some emotions for me, because what you described is almost exactly what I experienced. For me, I didn't have the terminology to described what was happening to me. It took some time for me to discover the term transgender. Once I did, it took a lot of introspection and time before I finally accepted that I am transgender. Fortunately, I was able to come out and some of my fears came true, but most did not. Thank you for this video!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you decided to take control of your life. So many people struggle with it.

[@christinavega9565]

Hi Dr Z, great video! I'm still trying to come to terms, having GD since I was 4. I keep telling myself "you've made it this far (53) don't give up now...stay male!" Just like you said the longer time passes I keep convincing my self it's just a coupling mechanism or sexual fetish or feminine tendency or everyone hates there body?...on and on I keep trying to prove to myself I'm not transgender. I'm terrified and my self doubt has increased but It has also increased my dysphoria, like you said. It doesn't make sense but it is what is happening with me too. My therapist thinks I should start HRT and I've made appointment with the doctor but still not sure. This video has definitely put things into perspective. Thanks!

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. Here is a thing, you can start HRT and after giving it at least two weeks, you can ALWAYS stop. You are always in control of your life!

[@deborah_chrysoprase]

It's terrifying to me how many of these stories I identify with. Especially the fact that you mentioned remembering dysphoria from when you were 4. I had a very similar incident when I was 4 or 5 years old that I always remembered, thought was just some dumb thing I did because I was a dumb kid. I came to that same conclusion around 25 of "it's just a dumb fetish, I could never do this in public". My obesity threw me off for so many years, I thought I hated my body because I was fat. Was always telling myself I'd rather be an ugly guy than an ugly girl. What I was telling myself is I could only deal with the shame of my weight, or my GD, not both at the same time. I've lost 125lb, finally fixing all of the physical health problems and the moment I started to realize it will be inevitable that I could reach a healthy weight, and discussing gender with a kind stranger on the internet, the GD has come back with a force that it never has before. I have nothing but doubt now. I'm scared to take the jump, scared I'm going to regret it, scared to try it, find I hate it, and scared I'll be wishing I could go back. But practicing voice feminization feels amazing. Practicing dancing "like a girl" feels amazing. I'm afraid I'll never pass. I'm afraid I'll look like I'm pretending. I'm afraid that I'll feel like I'm pretending. Either way, no matter what I do, I'm glad I got to hear all these great stories on all these different platforms, it's so wonderful to feel that I'm not alone. I love you all.

[@Summer-kb2dm]

I experience dysphoria this way: Whenever I was pressured to act like a "man" it caused me great pain and confusion - I didn't know how to do it and it ran counter to my feelings. Now a days (I'm 62 and recently admitted to myself I was a woman - I always knew) when I'm around men and they start talking about women misogynistically or sexual (or lewd) talk - I get extremely uncomfortable - I either withdraw or try to act/talk like them because I'm afraid. Later I hate myself for it - sometimes questioning myself: what is wrong with me - why don't I feel like them? Thank you so much Dr Z ❤️

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your feelings. Best to seek support of a therapist in you area to explore.

[@gregkanz2629]

You hit it right on the nail Dr. Z . I think that's why I want to have an orchidectomy. Where I can't turn back, and not flipping back and forth to transition

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear you are having doubts but it is also important to explore them.

[@rebeccaharold7141]

So relate, it is one reason why I set up a adult support group where I live.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad you reached out for support!

[@brendacote2449]

Thank you for your videos. I’ll be 49 soon, and have decided to stop the madness of compounding coping. For me, it was about putting myself first, and the self care that goes along with that. Once I made that shift, life became much clearer. I would love to learn more about 40+ MTF topics.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. There is a video coming up soon for 40+ specifically.

[@billybraswell5426]

Hi Dr Z That compound interest has actually buried me in a burden of debit call doubt and at age 64 I am finally trying to come to terms with my gender. Thank you for putting in to words what I couldn't do.

[@DRZPHD]

Ohhh I hear you. Remember, debt can be taking down.

[@williamkrumm8105]

Thank you. I have been doing this dance since well over 30-40 years and I wish I lived where there are people that were helpful for someone my age. Again thanks you for sharing.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome!

[@danib2944]

Dr Z , another video that resonates so strongly. All the years of hiding and depression are so simply and eloquently explained by you in these 10 minutes. I look forward to the next video to hear how to start shedding all these things I hold on to out of fear, even when I know I’m not living a fulfilling life.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I totally hear you! Fear is big for many of us and I plan to do a separate video just on it alone!

[@pinkxkyo]

I'm 31, but this video really resonated with me. Thank you so much for posting ❤️

[@DRZPHD]

So glad it helped!

[@anthonytempleton3539]

thanks for the video, this does make alot of sense and gives me a calmness, which is peaceful. I disowned my parents due to them being toxic to my wife and kids and that opened a door to my gender identity.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear it was helpful.

[@talbottlin]

Thank you Dr Z. Your videos are always informative, encouraging, and keeping it real. Keep shining your light.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you.

[@dragonflysagatiaej4833]

I’m 41. The problem is, I’m not confused about my gender, but for a long time there was no language or word for what I was. This led to confusion trying to figure out how to describe what I was feeling to others or even identifying what I was feeling for myself or weighing how different I felt compared to others. Without that language there was no way to base comparison or even being able to identify. So it took me a really long time. Being autistic and having mind blindness didn’t help because I am already dealing with that in other areas, however it was because of that, that I was able to eventually recognize the problem of language and self-identity to figure it out. So it was good and bad.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear you did. Language plays such an important part in understating how we see ourselves.

[@natashabelle3542]

It's almost as if you've read my mind I'd identify with everything you've talked about this time. In my case it was 2016 aged 54 that I realised that my mind would break again if I tried to keep fighting dysphoria, it was either that or die. I'm now really cross with myself for deciding to suppress it at age 28 rather than deal with it then, a very bad call. However I'm now resolving matters and finally getting some real joy in my life. People like yourself are ensuring that many, many young people don't make the errors I did. That is a wonderful thing to do. You have some beautiful jewellery but today's necklace is my absolute favorite so far, it would look out of place on me but so what? and you wear it superbly.

[@jfreire6725]

I am beginning the process of owning my trans identity at 62. I am terrified but everything you said in this video is relevant and valid. I am feeling blessed to have found your videos. I live rurally in Oregon and the result is a lack of available resources I can tap into. That said I am a strong woman inside from coping with my issues so am trying to use the strength I once used denying my transgender reality to make my changes with pride and confidence, or that is the plan. I am married to my best friend but am guilty of hiding my self from her for fear of losing her. That said the impetus for change can no longer be denied and at some point she will be part of this journey, hopefully still as the team we are and have been for 30 yrs.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I hope she will be a part of your journey. (P.S: I am originally from Oregon :))

[@jfreire6725]

DR Z PHD 💐🌺💃🏽

[@krissycalloway4592]

Dr. Z, My name is Krissy. I have been watching your videos for about a month now. You are so right about so many things. I am 48 and just recently came out. I mean like a couple months ago. I just said f it and posted a profile on Facebook that I made sure waa public. I know by now everyone must know. I was so tired of living a double life that I had to do something. I was getting really scared of getting caught and not coming out on my terms so I did it. I did this before really watching any videos on what other ppl did because I didn't want any outside influences on my initial decision. I have since been watching as much as I can as long as I think it is helpful and/or educational. This is something I have been struggling with since childhood and finally just decided that I wasn't happy and never would be. I have struggled with addiction problems for many years just trying to numb myself. I blamed the numbing on some sexual abuse as a child. It was pretty extensive abuse but I really think I was trying to numb myself from the fact that I knew i am female. That when I look in the mirror I see a woman. I was married and I have 3 beautiful children. Of course the woman I married was the tomboy type. She was also the assertive parent while I was the nurturing parent. I had to move away from my babies because of my addiction issues. I actually moved close to my ex wife's sister in Colorado from Florida. I knew Colorado was more accepting than where I was plus I know that my sis in law is my rock as far as a friend goes and that she could look past even her own personal beliefs to support me no matter what. She knows my struggles and she knows I am more healthy now both physically and mentally than I have been in a long time. I am currently struggling with homelessness which is no fun in the Colorado winter yet I am still happier than I have been in quite some time (years). I am able to understand more and more about myself and my transition through your videos. In Florida I started hormones but I was self medicating through the internet because I was being so secretive now that I am in Colorado I developed up with planned pare good and started hormones under the supervision of a doctor trained for this. Since I have done this the mental health doctor reduced my antidepressant in half and I take a newer antidepressant that I had to show a track record of 4 others that didn't work in order to get insurance (medicaid) to cover which wasn't much of a problem. I just wanted to let you know how much good your videos are actually doing for me. In a time where it is scary to go out and about too much I find my therapy in your videos. I know it shouldn't replace true therapy but i have found edilucating myself and developing proper coping skills through education has always been the best approach for me. Thank you so much, Krissy

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you find content helpful.

[@Patricia-ED]

Hi and thank you so much, your videos are always so helpful and I was really looking forward to this one having just turned 47. Although I have a very strong underlying sureness of being transgender I still, go through very questioning phases of self doubt and as you explain so well this is the fear of leaving the world I have invested so much time and effort into, in spite of how dysfunctional and inhibiting it may be. Another aspect that I feel is adding to this doubt, is transitioning through COVID. Although it was only recent, I found coming out full time gave me strength, as I realised I could face the world as me and it would be alright. because I am having to shield now I feel like I am back in hiding and even though this is not of my choosing, in turn in induces a sense of doubt. Many thanks you are really appreciated!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. The issues with self about is that after a long time, we believe it is truth when it is not. Remember acronym FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real!

[@dlynnwilliams4109]

Dr. Z, thank you so much! Are these not the compound reasons that medical transition like HRT and GRS (SRS) are much easier to complete than the rest of the social transition? The HRT and GRS are so profoundly soul satisfying but the social transition still cannot be neglected! For me physical transition is a prerequisite for safest transition (socially, theologically and psychologically)! I know that's not WPATH directives but six plus decades of coping with gender dysphoria might warrant some customization of my personal transition process, I hope. I'm not advocating this customization for anyone but me and I am not neglecting psychotherapy in the process. It seems to be my own personal necessity. It feels like building and reinforcing the infrastructure before enhancing the social structure. Thank you profusely for your insights and videos!

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for commuting. Transition process is highly individualized. I have had clients who have had decades of dysphoria to suffer through and I dont waste time on social transition and move them into HRT pronto, following by surgical transition and social integration at a slow pace including psychotherapy. You have to decide whats right for YOU. WPATH guidelines are just that. Guidelines. They are not mandatory. I also have people who need social transition to dispel inner fear. So as you can see, its a very custom approach based on a person, their life situation, etc. Hope this clarifies.

[@IssyVoca]

This video has me in tears. 40+ years of “something is different”, depressions and emotional numbness as “coping” mechanisms, until I finally found out, that there is such a thing as non-binary. Planning my next steps now. It’s a slow process, but at least I am moving.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@delorafurzehill4228]

Hi Dr. Z, I am 46 years old and came out to my wife as trans 3 years ago. I can completely relate to everything you have said in this video. I am still struggling with the idea that I am trans even though I know that I am. I recently came out to family and a large group of friends and it was all very positive, but I still have doubts every day. It is hard to go against the flow of a lifetime of trying to pretend I was just another guy.

[@DRZPHD]

It is hard! Hang in there.

[@DrayseSchneider]

I can't watch this video in full right now because I'm at work, but so far every word rings true. I've been struggling with this since I was a kid and until my 20s I didn't understand what it was except that I was broken and probably corrupted by sin, as my parents would have put it. My ex and I tried to raise our kids free from that sort of thinking, one of who has recently informed us that they're non binary. A few years ago I had temporarily come to terms with the fact that I'm probably not cis, but I had repressed it again for one reason or another. With my kid being nonbinary I've come to realize that I also have to once again face the facts about myself. What kind of message am I sending if I'm hating myself for being this way, yet I tell my kid I accept them for being who they are? I'm currently in the process of trying to obtain a gender therapist so I can finally resolve this in a healthy way. I'm extremely terrified but I want to thank you for the work you do.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I agree with you! If we accept our kids but don't allow them to see our true selves, what message are we giving them about gender identity?

[@alexisvan222]

Once again I bow to your incredible insight which could only be obtained through actual experience with working with many people like myself or others in similar shoes. So many of your videos resonate with me precisely. My words are not exaggeration -- you really have incredible insight.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you! Glad to hear content is resonating.

[@tobiecreates2323]

I can totally relate to coping mechanisms, many of which were unhealthy for my mentally, I went to dark places, I thought I was mentally sick, but now that I am out I don't engage in those behaviors anymore.

[@DRZPHD]

So glad to hear. They can quickly effect your life in a negative way.

[@tserica]

Wow. It's like Dr. Z just read my thoughts and feelings straight out of my brain, and now I'm starting to feel like I really do have to do something about it.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear it resonated.

[@robertwarren1643]

So true. Ty ty I have been highly focused on reversing the negative mind set from many years off self doubt and self destructive behaviors. taking the time to set new healthy mind sets with positive aspirations and powerful femininity aspirations has Really helped me heal and cope with all this. I adventure if your here just be open to your self and really give yourself a chance

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing, and so well said about giving yourself a chance!

[@huntp1291]

Hi Dr Z, thanks for this video. Im nearly 48 but have realised over the last 4years that I'm trans. For years I didn't understand why I felt the way I did about myself and then I discovered the word transgender and it made sense. Im back in counselling to manage my dysphoria and struggles with my guilt about wanting to transition and being trans. I find your vids informative and thought provoking. Thank you for posting them 😊

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I hope counseling will help.

[@MathewRainTranslife101]

For a long time I though if I had doubts I couldn't possibly be trans. Now I realize that doubts is a normal part of the process. Not many people are 100% sure even when they start transition. For me I realized it was more important to focus on what made me think I was trans than on the arguments I had against it and the benefits of accepting it and making changes rather than the risks, fears etc.

[@DRZPHD]

Yup, doubts are often part of the process and that's OK.

[@declan-kayodekeegan1598]

Dr. Z, you're so spot on! This is exactly the case with me. What has helped me now is looking back to my early life and the clear self awareness I had as myself as a trans female versus growing up trying to deny it for 40 years.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it resonated!

[@zeng58]

I’m 30 years my gender dysphoria got really worse. It really ruined my Christmas trip I had to stay behind. I cried a lot watching this video I can relate

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@curtisland5042]

After watching your video a few months ago about purging which I do regularly, I have really wanted to do it again but I stopped myself because I remembered what you said so I just want to say thank you x

[@DRZPHD]

Keep in mind there is nothing wrong with purging per se, if in fact it helps release gender dysphoria. The problem is when you purge and experience transphobia, leading to shame, disgust, or guilt and regress as a result. Hope this clarifies.

[@darrylclark1869]

This video is so spot on. This is exactly what I have been experiencing for years and years. Fear has me by the neck and I don't want to lose everything. But I am suffering in silence and not sure what to do. I just subscribed to your channel and have been watching your videos. This is by far the best one that describes me. Wish you were in the Baltimore area, because I would love to meet you and share my pain. Keep putting out these great videos because maybe I will get enough courage to risk it all find happiness 😊

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am glad they resonate.

[@brynl-k4118]

I think it's less of the self-doubt but more of the fear of losing that keeps the doubt in the fear perpetuating

[@DRZPHD]

I can also see that as a big part of it.

[@bertram46]

Your video is so good. You are helping a lot of people. If anybody ever wants to chat I'm a good listener. I'm sensitive intelligent and I don't care if you are m2f or f2m.

[@Avister3]

Thank you for another insightful video Dr. Z! It certainly resonates. I wonder if pushing one's feelings down and denying expression of one's identity is making those feelings/identity stronger. That is, not only the interest of coping is accumulated, but also an interest on unexpressed feelings/identity is accumulated as well. I wanted to be a female since I knew the difference. "Came out" to myself in mid-30s, but due to a number of life circumstances denied any expression of that identity for another 15 years. If anything, that identity became stronger during this time. It could also be me finally fully acknowledging the truth and feeling ready to let it out into the wild...

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. Yes it can definitely do that.

[@cristinacindy7520]

I relate to this so much, I tried to ignore it for so long, about 40 years and now I don't want to ignore it anymore. I want to be my true self now. No more wasting time. I want to transition.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you well.

[@alexisvan222]

Thanks for this video. As you know from my comments previously, I'm very likely a transwoman or transperson of some kind (repressed and in denial). I'm currently labelling myself non-binary but something feels wrong and something inside wants me to look deeper. I have flirted with coming out MTF maybe 5 times and each time backed down with these doubts that you describe. All that happened when I "rested" or "thought about it" was more inertia again. I have spontaneous fits of crying when I admit to myself that I'm MTF or something similar... I feel like it is euphoria of some sort. "All roads lead to Rome." However, I have moods where I feel "masculine" or tough to such a degree that the feminine side is stifled or cannot be perceived, so I thought I was genderfluid. What I now think is going on is that there are days of increased and decreased emotional sensitivity. I can feel the "woman" inside me always.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. I respect your mindfulness and insight toward your feelings.

[@anandprahlad5434]

This video cuts deep. Sad it took so long for me to realise that surviving by coping, is no way to live. We're human beings, & deserve more than this.

[@DRZPHD]

Couldn't agree more.

[@johnbares4744]

I’m 43 and been living all those years as a man, I hate how my mind works, thank you for the video Dr. Z.

[@DRZPHD]

You are welcome.

[@starspinpal1]

Dr Z .... I like this concept. It applies here. I’m going to review this post again to attempt to absorb. I will be looking for the follow up post to this one. I’m grateful for these pro bono sessions. Thank you, Teri

[@DRZPHD]

Excellent!

[@jusdorange4720]

This literally affirmed me. Thank you xoxo.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome.

[@johnsexton7621]

My dysphoria is like a terminal disease. What used to be just a blow by feeling now at 53 my urge has gotten stronger. Just like a terminal illness there's an end. In my dysphoria this has consumed me year after year. Now the time is drawing nigh and I'm older I feel I'm missing out now

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@regabernathy6039]

I am 61 years old, and I know I am a trans female. I have spent my entire life dismissing my feelings and coming up with reason after reason why I should suck it up and stay as a man. I am tall, overweight, not particularly good looking, even as a man. But still these feelings persisted. It wasn't until this year, when the pandemic allowed me much more free time by myself, to start to exploring my inner self. Why was I so unhappy? Well she (who I call my inner goddess) has been very patient with me, it seems all my excuses and reasons against becoming a trans female are falling by the wayside. I still have my doubts, but they are not nearly as strong as they once were. It's time to let her out. I will be retiring at the end of this year, so strike off any problems with my job. My partner (gay) died four years ago, (he never supported the idea of me becoming a woman, he would just ridicule me and tell me I have always been a Gay man). Yes I am not good looking, but if you look at many older women, they are not striking beauty queens either, so I would fit right in. I just can't come up with any new excuses why I shouldn't go ahead. I have arranged to start hormone therapy later this month, and will finally start on my journey to become a woman, something I should have done when I was young, but was never able to do so.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your partner.

[@jasperkariker9064]

This is me exactly. I’m 47 each time I get confidence to transition I loose my nerve either because my comfort zone is there and I cannot break out or my family has made comments on why can’t I just change my name or something. Wouldn’t that be enough. Things like that.

[@DRZPHD]

So sorry to hear.

[@Katemccutcheon1246]

I know when I was younger I know I tried to cope I tried to over compensate and I am sure some other people gone through that. I am under 40 btw Also your Facebook link isn't working :( love your videos

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and for letting me now about the link! Much appreciated.

[@rickiempson9164]

I tottaly relate to what you are saying I have had this for 32 years you make it so clear.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and glad it resonates.

[@kjierstenbartlett4866]

Dr. Z, I love this VDO. I am 71 yrs old and essentially just starting out ... AGAIN! I do like your allusion to "compound interest" but the way you set this up as compound interest on Savings suggests that this type on interest might be better used in light of Positive "Affirming steps" (Oct. 1. 2020). A better parallel for compound interest in problematic issues of self-doubt scenario presentations would be more like Compound interest on a NOTE/LOAN. In THIS situation, the interest is compounded to INcrease the balance of the note, wherein you would come into paying more than the actual note that was originally written. In the Self-doubt/denial/fear scenario, the compound interest multiplies "CHARges rather than SAVings. All the self-dpoubt/denial/fear does is drive you deeper and deeper into the Gender Dysphoria you started with in the Fist place!! I know this because I've Lived with it all my life! I came out to my Psych MD some 25 +/- or so years ago and aborted in on the premise of one question to myself, "Are You willing to undergo the same abuse and 'bullying' you went through in HS?; if you can't answer this Qx with an Unqualified 'YES!' The STOP right where you are and follow on at that level." I did, and later on the Compound interest kicked me so hard I finally just about March time this year, went back to my Psych and said, "The Bitch Is BACK!" meaning I have turned around, "facing into the wind" and started to go again. I got cleared to the Gender Clinic team, got a referral for HRT and stated it (although pancaked it halfway down the runway and had to quit.) I will do a restart in this mid October with a different dosage pattern and take off again and have a LOT better climb-out than last time! In the meantime, I wrote a "letter" or "statement" of coming out that I'd like to "publish" in Facebook. I'd like your permission to publish it here so I/we can share some feedback on maybe how to proceed. I'd sure appreciate that. Once again, your entire Series has been an immENSE help to me as I studied and formulated my plan to go full-on forward with my plan for transition. Thank you eversomuch! Kjiersten P.S. If you do clear me to put is up, might I put this up on the "... How To Break The Cycle ..." VDO? Again, TY for everything!

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thank you for sharing. You are welcome to share things on here, however, I would highly caution you regarding getting feedback from people you do not know as most opinions are deeply subjective to their experience. I would rather recommend sharing the letter with close friend or friends and get feedback from them.

[@kjierstenbartlett4866]

@@DRZPHD , TY... I will take that under advisement and try the smaller circulation... I'll place it here, but not on FB... TY :*

[@yaakoss]

Hallo, Dr. Z. also for me this video was very emotional. Sorry if my english is not the best, as it is not my native language. I had tears in my eyes and was fighting the urge to cry when watching your video, I am still still trying not to cry writing this. What you explained in your video was in large parts the story of my life. I started knowing i am transgender at an age of 11 or 12. But i had to be a man, so i tried and whilst i was acting like a man i always kne that i am not happy in my life. I alsways wanted my small family and children, so i got a a woman and we got children. I started to feel somewhat happy in my life, but there was always a part of me that never was happy, a part that was always dreaming of beeing able to be myself. But i could not. I have always been doubting my feeling and even started telling myself that i am just a bad person, a pervert. Years were passing by and i felt less and less happy, whatever i was trying. At some point i started to wish that my life ends soon, as i was not able to feel happy anymore. I never was suicidal, but i just didn't want to live anymore. At this time i already knew why i was so unhappy and i still was denying. Instead of starting doing thins right, i started to take RSSI's to be able to function. It gave me some more time, but at a very high cost. I lost my fiancé because of the side effects the RSSI had on my. I am one of the few persons where RSSI lead to an emotionless state. I was somewhat like a robot. Doing my chores. At some point she left me bacause she felt like i was not loving her anymore for years and because of this her love died. This was last year in summer. In the fall last year i realised why this all happened and also realised that the only way for me to survive is to become the person i always wanted to be, to become myself. I started the transition and while some things improved over the time, there are still all those doubts and sometimes i am really strugling. It got even a little bit worse since i am on hormones. I know that i do not want to go back and live my olf life and i feel so much better on many ocasions. I even somewhat like the person i am seeing now in the mirror. In the past i really hated the guy in the mirror. But there are still the doubts....

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and I wish you all the best! Transition can take time, and while it may not immediately feel 100% better, it is better than living your life as before.

[@yaakoss]

Thank you, it is already getting better, but it is really a long and exhausting proces.. But as long as it keeps moving forward, it is ok.

[@fivefingered]

I agree that I am terrified of what might happen if I allow myself to transition. I have so much to lose and the risk/reward feels too much right now. Maybe someday....

[@DRZPHD]

I so hear you. Wait till next video where I explain how to break through it.

[@jfurhart5572]

Hi Dr. Z, I have watched many of your videos and really appreciate how you are working for the transgender community! However, I must agree with the above comment - especially the risk/reward statement. I am definitely looking forward to your follow up video. Hopefully, you will be posting the new video soon! ❤

[@RemarkableMarc]

I turned 40 last year. I always tell myself I've gotten by for this long, I can keep getting by. But deep down inside I've always known I'm not female. I don't know the answers yet, but I'm in therapy. Hopefully I will be able to figure it out.

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@francescajensen7733]

Hi Dr. Z! Great video as always. I am 62 and your model almost applies to me, but not quite. I have known that I am trans since before the age of three. I would have used different words though - I would have just said that I was really a girl. I received male affirmations in every single interaction I ever had with my father and chose to hide. I hid very well and rarely showed my skirt. I was never in denial about being trans but was in denial that it was important. At every step, I would cut off anything that would give me away and became dysfunctional over the years. I reached a point at which I could no longer continue moving forward without taking off my mask - I could no longer cope ... removing my mask cost me everything but I had no choice at that point. Freedom came out of desperation ... Much love! 🥰🤗😋💋❤❤❤💃💞

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. Yes sometimes, the cost of freedom is costly but ohhh so necessary.

[@MitchellSelf-p8i]

I am classed as transgender because i have associated personality disorder . One of my ( charactors) is a dominate attitude personality . And she does (act out ). As a female as it uses my body as a vessel

[@tori8670]

"Better the hell I know, than the heaven I don't." -anon

[@transmasccat8267]

Over 50 years knowing the truth. Never safe or financially secure enough to just completely put it out there. Compounded indeed. So many bad habits for this "survivor." No access to healthcare or therapy. It is not a great way to live.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear.

[@robimorrison1743]

My gender disforia has always known that I was in the wrong body since I first realized what gender was. Growing up it was best to keep it a secret. I have spent all my life suppressing the truth. Just existing was no life that I endured. To finally face who I really am. Well it's like total euphoria! Such happiness to finally be ME! I now know it's better to confront your dysphoria than run from the truth and go through life not living just existing! That is the saddest part of it all. NEVER BE AFRAID TO FIND THE REAL YOU! YOU'LL REGRET IT IF YOU DON'T! NO MATTER WHERE IT TAKES YOU!

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Almoekd1971]

I remember starting as a 5-6 year old child. Have gone through life till about a year ago and now I'm 50. I'm wondering if I am trans.

[@DRZPHD]

Hope you can find a therapist in your area to help you.

[@patriciahutson]

Tried then hid repeatedly since 9 yrs old. Now living as myself! No self doubts or anxiety cling on. Thank the Gods I kept on talking to Med pers honestly about myself. Scared the shit outa me at times but I'm a far better person for discarding my past fears. This Dr is so right you can not outrun yourself. On On UBIQUE.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@danastevens1252]

Odd. I never considered doubt as a way of describing it. For me, it was always a combination of fear, shame and denial as well as generous portion of anger to spice things up a bit. I've always known I am a girl... I never doubted that. I spent a lifetime trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that that wasn't so.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@gustavobeuret3303]

Every word of your video resonate in me. I´m 40. I would like if I could go to teraphy with you but I live in Argentina. Thank you for all your videos.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome!!!

[@k.lambda4948]

tbh, *whether* or not I am trans is not, and never really has been, a question. what has been the question for me is whether i need to/should do anything about it. between respecting the integrity of the body, teaching self-love, and working towards a just society (where - among other things -gender barriers have dissolved), i have long felt a moral imperative to refrain from social/somatic transition. and at 50+ i've lived enough to know that suffering is no more a constant than happiness, we live amid waves of experience moving from one to the other. and yet...here i am. trying to figure out why now, rather than any time from the last 30-odd years of my adult autonomy? especially when I can wait a month or a year and know that i'll have other, arguably more important ways to engage with our shared humanity?

[@DRZPHD]

Those are all deep personal contemplations. Transition is deeply personal and some choose not to.

[@Phoenixryu]

I kind of feel like this was made for me. I keep telling myself I have this, that, and the other. This person, that person, and so on. No matter how dysphoric I feel I keep holding on thinking it will end one day. It isn't and it hasn't. Right now I'll admit my dysphoric feeling has lessened a little bit as they do every so often but I know they will come roaring back until that bit of self-doubt breaks through again and tries to tell me that I'm a guy and need to suck it up. Rinse repeat. The best analogy I have is that an empty glass is being filled with water and at a certain point it tips over emptying the contents, slowly rights itself, and starts the filling process again. It tipped over a couple days ago but I still know what I have to do. This I think is part of the reason or maybe all of it why I hit a brick wall at 21 and failed miserably to follow through. If I had only had this information then...

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@morgan6999]

Hello Dr Z, I'm in my 60s and and a couple of years ago I started experiencing feminine feelings. They have increased to where I have developed a female sense of being. I have been dressing as a woman at home and putting on makeup now. But after these episodes I get angry with myself and try to put it all away and force myself to think of my male image. The problem is I love being the woman I have come to see myself as. I guess it is a stupid question but am I a trans now even though I didn't experience these feelings until later in life.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. If you are wondering about your gender identity best to seek support of a local therapist.

[@michellevey9608]

I hope this helps someone. I'll be sixty in a few months. My current second wife looks at me as a crossdresser who does it when she's not around. I'm very fortunate for her 'understanding', and that l can pass anywhere really. Honestly, l would call myself a crossdresser. Unfortunately, that term always to me anyway brings up images of old movies which are nothing like what l do! I guess the difference is that l'm not pretending. I truely feel feminine! Strangely however, l don't feel any need for surgery or hormones. Part of me embraces my masculinity! It can still be there when l need it. In closing, l'll say this...DON'T be afraid! I was terrified, and learned that even if people see through your 'disguise' they truely respect you for it! Once you've accepted that, you can be yourself! Experiment with fashions and have fun being you!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@brianmccarthy8732]

I’m 54 and just came to terms couple months ago. History of crossdressing as adult 30 years ago. Have pushed back urges to cross dress over past 30 years. I let it out and ready to embrace tg life.

[@DRZPHD]

SO glad to hear!

[@misstrever1952]

...although I've left it a little late to come out I was told many years ago by a woman no less that she spotted I was trans just by looking at me, watching my movements the fact I have skinny girly arms and legs and completely no Adams apple, not to mention as I'm now 59 I still have all my own hair growing like mad now down to my shoulders. Evidence enough that I'm trans? Top video thank you 👌

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@darcymacchic]

you have been spot on. How about a work book. Thank You So Much.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you, thats a great idea. I do plan something along the lines next year.

[@darcymacchic]

@@DRZPHD Looking forward to devouring it.

[@erickabrooking5575]

I am still not sure what to do honestly and I’m on a waiting list to see a gender therapist for almost a year.

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear it takes so long where you at. Hopefully soon you'll be able to clarify things for yourself.

[@erickabrooking5575]

@@DRZPHD thanks and your videos are truly helpful. I honesty wish I could have a session with you even if on zoom or something.

[@cinnamonsparrowdesigns]

I'll be 38 soon (almost 40) and 8 years ago when I turned 30 all this hit me finally. I finally had the words and more knowledge to know why I felt the way I did. I feel stupid for not knowing... the thing is I am married and we have a (now) 12 year old child. If I had left and transitioned then it would have been easier b/c my child would have adapted better I think. As it is now he's very attached to me as his "mother" and my husband will divorce me b/c he's not interested in men. It makes me sad how easily he could give up our 18 year relationship b/c of this but I respect him. He still cares for me and we will always be friends. B/c of all this I keep trying to convince myself maybe I could live without hormones or anything. He'd be fine if I had top surgery and was more non-binary. But that's not enough, even if I keep trying to convince myself it could be just so I could keep my family. I am so sad and scared. He's supported me all these years and I don't really have any family or a lot of friends. I've never wanted to make friends as my current self b/c it felt fake. So I have no support save him and a grandmother that lives far away. It's horrible and yeah the dysphoria sucks but losing everything sucks more. So I just end up hating myself more and more, and really it's getting awful. This video being directed at us older trans folks is nice, b/c I wish I had all the representation and available knowledge that younger people have now. I didn't even know the word until my late 20s :(

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@gregkanz2629]

I could use your help Dr. Z

[@EgasAyert]

Hello DrZ😘 I’m a 57 y/o transitioning MTF now for 1-1/2 yrs+, after toying with the matter for over 25 years at a minimum. I decided it couldn’t “not” happen. So I started CHT in November 2018. You have explained some baggage I’ve been carrying around for a long time, and I got what you were describing. I still present my male self in public, and have not yet broken free of that bit of denial that holds on tight. I live with doubts. But I remember something I said to myself again one day, that I just got tired of saying, and made a decision. Knowing how I feel now, in spite of the slow rate of change happening, mostly personal and physical at this time, I’m moving in a direction, which I feel is forward. I agree with your presentation in this video, and really want to watch and listen again, there’s a lot you touched on and things I’ve often or occasionally gave some concentrated thought to. Thanks for telling what I pretty much experienced personally in the years I’ve spent wandering(and wondering). The question I mentioned above is “If not now, when?” My time arrived. 😊 I haven’t given up, or had a change of heart. I’m more excited about it as time rolls by.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing!

[@jessalynanne5825]

50 yrs for me, since I was 6 I have been dreaming to becoming a woman. I have allot of self doubt and uncertainty, I always wanted to get married to my best friend have kids start a great career have a home love a good life grow old wroth my wife and love a good happy life, my therapist told me I like the idea of all of this, she said for me is not if I transition its when. I am married 25 plus years, kids, career

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@michaelmcpherson7837]

I am 60 and I did lose my daughter when I started my transition

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

[@LeahT6317]

Hello Dr. Z, I guess I sort of have self doubt I've known that something was different since I was 6 years old but never followed through on full transition. In my late 20s I worked with a therapist and she determined I was transgendered After 4 months I began HRT and after 8 months my doctor moved out of state and I could n't find a new one and on top of that my therapist retired so things fall to the wayside. So I fell in the cycle of trying to out run my dysphoria and prove I was man enough got married twice tried doing sports etc.. but I always had my stash of women's clothing to fall back on and relieve the stress. In the 2010s The dressing up didn't make me feel complete so I discovered self medication and began a cycle of 6 to 8 months on then about six months off. I realized that the hormones were simply reliving my dysphoria finally last year I saw a doctor and now I'm on managed HRT again in my mid 50s. I've stuck with it for 13 months so far and began laser hair removal at the beginning of this year I have to admit it's becoming harder to hide the changes so I'm sure people and family are beginning wonder it went from "You look younger" to now "You're really looking like your sisters what's up with that". While I still have a ways to go I'm trying to stay on the right track and keep moving forward my biggest challenges are my voice and thinking about what's happens when I fully come out with my job and other things. I can tell you your videos have been very helpful and I'm glad it showed up in my recommended video feed on KZbin. I still have some doubts but the sense of relief and comfort keeps me going forward. You have one happy subscriber while I might not go full SRS I hope to get where I'm happy being true to myself.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I hope you keep going and going and going. I hope you find others to connect and get support. You got this!

[@lochlankeeves9129]

This makes perfect sense to me

[@jusdorange4720]

EVery part of me affirms me being trans but i have no bottom dysphoria but rather i have indifference to my genitalia. I dont know how i feel about that. Any advice Dr Z? :)

[@DRZPHD]

It is incredibly common to feel indifferent toward your genitals. If you feel transition is for you once you start, the dysphoria toward genitals increases as your body reaches or achieves the desired look. But it is very common to feel indifference at first.

[@leezuregamr]

Thank you for this video

[@DRZPHD]

My pleasure

[@kenhuisingh3962]

I have accepted that I am a trans girl. Having my ist gender affirming surgery orchiectomy. So I don't experience much doubt. Some days though are worse for my gd. I feel so trapped and just want out of this body and into a female body now. But transition takes time. Just glad I am becoming full on full on female.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. It does get better with time.

[@kenhuisingh3962]

@@DRZPHD yes I know it will get better. But out of the blue my gd kicks my ass. Why does it hurt so much. In part because my dad at 81 told me I am on the wrong path, I am selfish. God made me a male he has told me this too. Given the statics of suicide and gd. Why won't he accept me being transgender my brother and girlfriend support me, but my dad and sister won't.

[@berkantgokce]

Testesterone = not attached to investment. / Estrogen = Attached to Investment

[@dahlilyah]

I am transitioning at the age of 33 and I guess I am not falling into any of the 2 categories :) The previous video suggested watching this one if I am over 28 years old, this one suggest watching the previous one if I am less than 40. Is there a video to watch if I am 30? I do have doubts too!

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. Sorry neither of the categories resonate with you. I was hoping people in their 30s could watch either one and see which one resonates the most.

[@dahlilyah]

@@DRZPHD Both videos were very good but I admit I feel like being 30 and starting the transition is a little unusual. Its always either earlier or later in life people finally decide on that :) Nonetheless all of your videos are fantastic and very informative so thank you for all of them! As someone from a country, Poland, where this topic is still pretty much a huge taboo and with so many myths circulating around it in my native language your channel is pretty much an invaluable source of information! I am starting HRT in just over a month and I wouldn't have even known about Progesterone if it wasn't for you. I feel much more equipped for the hormone conversation now :)

[@danila3371]

So relevant!!!

[@patriotsrebelsrogues7332]

i've taken a buddist view on things "all life is suffering" . factor in some good old fashion southern stoicism and you see how i have coped with things. i have no doubt i'm trans that is part of the package.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and yes, much of life is suffering but how we feel and view it is up to us. I wish you well.

[@patriotsrebelsrogues7332]

@@DRZPHD thank you as i do you. just a silly kinda question but has anyone else come to the thought that maybe transsexualism is a joke the Gods throw at certain mortals just to see how they will react ? cause i know of a handful of Gods that would find this sorta thing more then a little funny.

[@wtfyouwant8374]

Me its the opposite I keep finding reasons to do it And wish I would of did it 30 years ago I was born intersex Being intersex I can't deni that I'm transgender But I believe that a lot more of us are intersex without realizing it , our body's are very complex and differences may and can occur even if its in the slightest of details Just because they aren't physically visible doesn't meen its not there

[@DRZPHD]

Very true.

[@johnbares4744]

Describes me perfectly

[@indiglo97]

Where can I chat with you in pvt ..if there is any chance of so...?

[@DRZPHD]

You are welcome to check out my services at my website www.drzphd.com

[@misstrever1952]

...forgot to mention this is all completely natural, no hormones involved whatsoever.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats great.

[@racheladkins6060]

Why didn’t my British Gender clinic tell me this? NHS! I’m a Christian transgender massively destroying myself over this.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@charletta4134]

My God. I'm 49 and trying to really come out. I mean my investment is horrible. I need to be happy. Uuuuggg

[@DRZPHD]

Wish you all the best.

[@ericajamesbuckle8913]

I am transitioning at age 68. The woman inside me must come out now

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@flowerpower555]

Yeah even at 29 I can see 21 years of rationalizing and justifying. My denial.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@leo.l.e3488]

I'm 43 and I am exhausted from all these thoughts, and doubts. I want out. I have my 1st appointment today with psychiatrist and I don't know what she will say. If therapy doesn't work I might give the noose I made a test drive (not 2day but eventually)💔😪🖤

[@johnnie2638]

We all do. I can't speak for anyone else but can only share with you and others that the only thing that has ever helped me is therapy and a slow but steady transition. I've been on hormones for years but I'm still not living full-time because of familial concerns. I'm a decade older than you and I know well the self-doubt and guilt that comes with dysphoria in those 40 and older especially when there are kids to take into consideration. Hang in there and if you're not in therapy now it might be a cathartic move to pursue it. Anyway, better than banging my head against the fridge I found. Be well.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. I hope your appt today will be helpful and I hope you get the support that you need. There is always a way out and many people have felt so much better once they started transition.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and for supporting this individual. I agree, it does get better. While it is no walk in the park for many, it is definitely a better way to live.

[@godrickgiroslocos5002]

MTF Mobile Task Forces

[@rodolfogalvan2823]

Hi! I 'm 53 and I filing loos my live ! I want to be a woman! I married 2 time live whit 2 woman and abry time I pushed away of me! I Need to be me! Frustration going big! I can't sleep! I wearing woman clothing to feeling good!

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear and I hope you can seek help of a professional in your area.

[@mitchself1823]

Can multiple personalities. Lead to. Transgenderism

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. No, not in my clinical experiences. Dissociative identity disorder does not correlate with Gender Identity Disorder. However, people can have both of this diagnosis but they are not related.

[@mitchself1823]

@@DRZPHD thank you. I eas talking about myself. No not a ffriendi know Bit.lol

[@richardbedford8120]

DR Z PHD, as a scientist you must understand the importance of the laws of compensation regarding the whole. Where do you stand in applying these principles to the transgender idea? There appear to be very basic scientific laws ie Entropy, Momentum, thermodynamics etc that keep things related. Without these rules of engagement we are lost. Being truly lost is the most frightening thing we can experience. Do you think the MTF, who has gone through SRS, has in fact destroyed a vital part of their personal self? Wouldn't such a loss, when realized, just break a heart? Cause an intolerable grief? And to realize they did it to themselves! This is enough to cause trepidation in transitioning.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi Richard. I am sorry but your ideas do not resonate with my thinking and do not correlate with my clinical experience. I do not think it is helpful to use the laws of physics when we are discussing internal psychological constructions of the Self. I don't think that people undergoing SRS destroy a part. They gain a part of themselves.

[@richardbedford8120]

​@@DRZPHD Please no apology is needed. Thanks for the answer.

[@stacifurey4003]

Damn your good, lol