Emotional Intelligence: Improving Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Empathy | Being Well Podcast

Emotional intelligence is considered an essential trait for everything from being a desirable romantic partner to having a successful career. But what do we really mean when we say “emotional intelligence,” and how can we become emotionally intelligent over time? In today’s episode ‪@RickHanson‬ and I explore emotional intelligence, including what’s “in” it, balancing emotional closeness and distance, and how we can become more self-aware, self-regulated, and empathic.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:35 What’s emotional intelligence?
4:20 Curiosity, care, and rational vs. emotional decision making
9:40 The five domains of emotional intelligence
11:30 Courage
19:00 Competence, capacity, and application
24:10 Anger, and discerning wants and needs
25:55 Self-awareness
30:00 The stories we are drawn to
33:10 Empathy
45:15 Self-regulation
49:40 Widening the space
52:35 The feelings beneath the feelings
53:55 Feeling overwhelmed by others, boundaries, and differentiation
1:02:20 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@peacefulisland67]

As Rick shared his experience with his first girlfriend, it occurred to me that the fear of saying "I love you" to another human being likely stems from literal self-preservation. Imagine the shock to one's system at losing loved ones to war, famine or disease. It may be our systems' way of preventing extreme mental injury or even "death" to be cautious in expressing love. And it's generational. Toughest work we'll ever do but the most beneficial. 🙏

[@anjelinededios]

Your podcast is not only clear and informative, but also soothing and encouraging. Really inspired by your familial/collegial interaction with your dad. Thank you Forrest!

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@jordynimari]

Hi Anjeline! I agree, this is such a great podcast! I’m actually an emotional wellness coach based in Ohio researching the needs and challenges of people who are interested in growing in emotional intelligence. I saw your comment on this video and would love to schedule a call and have you answer a few questions if you're willing! As a small thank you, I’d be more than happy to share any info you might find useful from my area of expertise. Shoot me back a yes or thumbs-up, and I’ll leave my email address so we can set up a 15-minute call. Best regards, Jordyn Imari

[@karenbird1279]

I loved this episode! I got a lot out of it! It was the perfect explanation of the arc of psychological healing. As usual Forrest translated all the depth and vastness of the psycho analytical content that Rick relayed so smoothly, in a relatable way! You guys are the perfect team! You are both so generous, and emote such a strong desire to be helpful and effective with the information you share. Thank you! ❤

[@Alphacentauri819]

I've often said that curiosity is part of emotional intelligence. Interesting that the host, Forrest, implies that extroversion has something to do with being curious. I find that often introverts are more curious and observant, while the extroverts aren't tuning in/sitting with, theirs/and other's emotions as well. It's not all/nothing, but I certainly wouldn't say that extroverts are more curious, or more emotionally intelligent. Also, it is interesting, having studied psychology for 30 years, and now pursuing a neuroscience degree...that while Forrest is very knowledgeable, he sometimes has blind spots, agendas, that he seems very unaware of. His father is so patient, so calm, with it all. I really respect him & not over correcting his son, and just letting it be.

[@mastersinmenopause]

Hahaha! Forrest you crack me up! As empathetic as I am, I am acutely aware that sometimes I am the asshole! 😂 Seriously though, this was a deep and multilayered podcast. Emotions helped me quit a job I really needed to quit and go back to school to get my master's degree. Thank you Forrest and Dr. Rick. I will be listening to this one over and over again!

[@elizabethash4720]

I really enjoyed this banter between you both on feelings, emotions and regulation and self expression. I guess we need a go to for emotional expression, perhaps involving music, movement, art, creative writing. These ways of expression might appear as we become more in tune with ourselves.😊

[@elizabethash4720]

It is important to have both parents to be emotionally intelligent. One of my parents had high narcicistic traits and low empathy. The cognitive dissonance affected me in my childbearing years and I didnt have children, as I believed so much in the expression of love ,and I thought my children might be like my unloving parent. I remained single and now struggle with my childlessnes. It is a difficult one.🌸🌼👪

[@heidiperez1387]

Very smart of you to have considered that your own children could have this trait! My youngest son is a spitting image of my father and that's not a good thing. I really wish I had not had children, so the generational curse could have been broken with me.

[@Ellie-rp8bh]

@@heidiperez1387Me too

[@Alphacentauri819]

You made a very, very wise choice. If you feared that your children might be like your unloving parent...you would be right. We do not have children to love us...and you would likely be unwittingly repeating the cycle, if you worried your children would show up like your parent. While your parent acted like a child...it would be hugely normal behavior for your child to act that way, like a child. Self centered, unaware, not reciprocating, until a certain age. It is a narcissistic parent (who hasn't dealt with their own narcissistic injury in childhood) that expects their children to be loving. It is a different kind of love that we give our children. Do we teach boundaries? Do we communicate rules/expectations clearly and calmly? Do we need to keep them safe? Yes, yes, yes. However, to expect gratitude, love, etc, comes from a very immature place. Children are the hugest test of a person's capacity to love, have patience, show up (when they are exhausted) again and again. I worked tons of jobs, including critical care, and that was a cake walk compared to to parenting. It is giving of the utmost. It requires at times, complete selflessness. Rest assured, it is the magical thinking, fantasy, of what you think you may have missed out on...that is causing suffering, far more than the reality. Many moms, who do indeed love their children...knowing what they know...would gladly have had no children. They love their children, but it is a task that is almost like Sisyphus in nature.

[@omniscent2921]

"All of this is true and I'm still okay." Likewise, "I love you and I can't save you" - takeaway phrases from this podcast 😂 I think this is very helpful for the anxious, thank you for what you do 🙏

[@Rebecca0010]

This is a huge topic. I had this experience of going from thinking I was highly emotionally intelligent and being told that, to having all this collapse of my communication around CPTSD and going into a doubt of whether I can pinpoint specific emotions very well, it’s been a grief around rebuilding empathy boundaries. I appreciate you hitting all these topics that are so relevant and complex.

[@jessicagarrison3337]

This! I am in this same position of having believed I was highly empathic and great at reading people, when come to find out I was being hypervigilant in monitoring other people around me for my own safety. It was a cPTSD defensive mechanism. I also had to learn that my interpretations of others are not always spot on. I am trying to humble myself. I cannot assume much about anyone when I see someone else. If I find myself creating explanations of others thoughts, behaviors, or intentions, I now try to remind myself to stop. Assume I know nothing. Instead I try to be curious and ask, if that is appropriate. If it's none of my business, I try to let it go. Before, I was so enmeshed, my motivations were stymied. If i stop waffling around what others needs would have me doing, I can begin to separate, feel safe in myself, and choose my own actions for myself. This feels better.

[@jeangraham5351]

When Rick explains things, and I've done some years of reading in this field..starting with the book "emotional intelligence' - afterwards I believe I get-it. Then comes Forrest with whole new and greatly more awarenesses that never crossed my mind. As a 'Trekie' I believe Forrest goes beyond "where no man has gone before".

[@lilyneva]

Thank you Forrest and Rick for this brilliant episode and for all your work making this information more accessible, and for so generously modeling what secure attachment looks like, and for being so candid in general. Your podcast always feels to me like an intimate, lovely dinner party with the two of you and a few friends. I always walk home from those dinners feeling reinvigorated and hopeful. This episode was immensely interesting to me. One thing it made me think about was to what extent it is appropriate to consider someone emotionally intelligent if they are easily overwhelmed by their own and others’ emotions but lack skills when it comes to regulating, communicating boundaries, etc. (like the example-person at the end). To me, these questions/this subject is like 99 percent of my existence. My attachment patterning is fearful-avoidant leaning anxious. I essentially am the example person in the last question. I think it could be helpful to me and many others, irrespective of their attachment style, if you could make an episode about those things Rick touched on at the end. Personally, so much of my energy is consumed by my reacting to other people that I have little left for trying to understand what my own feelings are signaling or for trying to convince myself I deserve to take care of myself, etc. What makes it harder is that I don’t have a social support system, am not in touch with my family of origin, and at the moment can’t seem to create new relationships. It becomes a vicious circle. Often, my relationships follow a very similar pattern, and usually, they end abruptly because the pain or discomfort is so overwhelming to me that I feel unable to have any contact with the person again. This makes me feel - and literally be - very lonely and it also means I have not been able to get the appropriate help to work with these things. I am trying to teach myself and practice tolerating things like conflict in relationships or even eye contact when someone has hurt my feelings, but it is harder than I know how to describe. It is as if in those situations, I am naked and skinless. It activates my sympathetic nervous system so fast that there is no time for me to try to widen ‘the gap between stimuli and response’ before disassociation sets in. Even though my reactions are unusual in how overwhelming they are, I think codependency in a broader sense is common, and maybe enmeshment as well.

[@jordynimari]

Hi there! I can totally relate to relationships and friendships ending abruptly due to pain and discomfort. This cycle drove me to become an emotional health coach for women who experience the same thing! I’m an emotional wellness coach based in Ohio researching the needs and challenges of people who are interested in growing in emotional intelligence so they can heal emotional wounds and experience deeper, more meaningful relationships. I saw your comment on this video and would love to schedule a call and have you answer a few questions if you're willing! As a small thank you, I’d be more than happy to share any info you might find useful from my area of expertise. Shoot me back a yes or thumbs-up, and I’ll leave a link to set up a 15-minute call. Best regards, Jordyn Imari

[@carolgerber6375]

I struggle with the part of the definition of emotional intelligence that states we have to manage other people's emotions. That's not my job, that's codependency. People are responsible for their own emotions and reactions.

[@aimforthemiddleeq]

We do not manage, we recognize, clarify, Empathize & help Diffuse & offer a listening ear or brainstorm solutions.

[@SkinnyMinnie377]

Hi Forrest! Love your podcast. I wonder if you have any materials or plan on doing a podcast on workaholism. I'd be very interested in that. Thanks so much for all the work you and Rick do!

[@ForrestHanson]

We've done episodes on avoidance coping tendencies, but we haven't specifically done workaholism. It's a good idea.

[@ginaiosef1634]

Lovely video ! You are two brilliant gentlemen, and I mean gentle, above all your qualities! I love when you're speaking about yourselves assuming qualities or non of others, to empathize better. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says it takes 96 seconds to let a circuit to run, when it goes by itself, like when someone is triggered, and than let it go. She says "we have the power to choose moment by moment who we want to be in the world" and I think this is amazing. I love your videos and the work behind them, your emotional contribution mostly. Most of everything, I love and appreciate that you are father and son! ❤️ Thank you so much!

[@JeremyThomas_Environmentarian]

Thanks Forest. I just signed up on Patreon as as a Wellness Advocate as I get so much from your podcasts. They are amazing.

[@italythroughmyeyes]

I love your interactions with your Dad!

[@Lorobain33]

Love it when Rick (brilliantly) discombobulates the plan!😊

[@scrubtoast]

Great topic. Thank you for taking a whole person approach to this important area of development for being human 😊

[@robbielynmccrary872]

As a borderline someone could say something completely innocent and it will set me off because to me it implies I'm stupid or don't know what I'm talking about. i won't know right away why it upset me until I go back and analyze it. if i could just take the time to analyze it first so i don't blow up making the person wonder what they said that for me upset that would be a bonus

[@cassandratarentino3150]

Love this topic! Have you ever thought about turning these talks into continuing education credits for therapists? I really enjoy listening to them and I feel like I gain a lot- just a thought.

[@jordynimari]

Hi Cassandra! I agree that this is such a great topic. I’m actually an emotional wellness coach based in Ohio researching the needs and challenges of people who are interested in growing in emotional intelligence. I saw your comment on this video and would love to schedule a call and have you answer a few questions if you're willing! As a small thank you, I’d be more than happy to share any info you might find useful from my area of expertise. Shoot me back a yes or thumbs-up, and I’ll leave a link to set up a 15-minute call. Best regards, Jordyn Imari

[@knnouz2546]

Excellent episode!!

[@leahb.mathis5727]

Unless I'm reeeeeally in check with myself and have all my skillZ and boundaries in place, I am that hypothetical person. It's an intense life . I appreciate the skills Rick offered up. ❤

[@jeangraham5351]

Wow I was impressed with so many insites I never realized when I read ''emotional intelligence' twice at the time it first came out. Then, not even half way through 'the cast' you describe dealing with 'how we pop-out". What amazing insite that I do not recall even seeing in the book. I am not sure how much your podcasts are a mark of how much I've developed and changed (since that time) or how much the world has developed and changed. Always very enlightening... thank you.

[@Hanna-wb7mk]

Thank you so much Forest and Rick for this, I find this immensely helpful ❤

[@javadivawithdog]

What a great conversation! Well informed and considered.Thanks!

[@mariad1151]

Thanks for your work, Forrest. 👌👍

[@ivylin8103]

I need this video so much. thank you guys. 😊

[@mohibquadri4053]

So Insightful ☑️

[@robbielynmccrary872]

i want to care about people but i felt too overwhelmed about what it entails and i have little emotional space within me. i also pack motivation no gumption. i barely can take care of myself. i wasnt given a choice but to raise myself practically so want given the rolls to handle adult life. it scares me to get up everyday and deal with it

[@evelinel.9827]

Wow what a great podcast!

[@KhalidFaiz-gl3pe]

Am learning every word almost bro, big up

[@Kieslowski1]

I love the topics you choose! Always enlightening. I would love for you to dive into Bowen Theory and Family Systems. :))))

[@heidiperez1387]

This reminds me a lot of DBT. Good episode 👍

[@BeaVizcarra]

Thanks!

[@paulrussell1714]

Nourishing food for thought, and for feeling. The discussion helped me feel into what I'm going through in a more constructive way. Thank you for that. Subscribed! One video suggestion, perform a quick cross-fade on your cuts so the transitions between one take and another feel more natural.

[@lihuashao1884]

Love your podcast so much. I have a question. For people who suffered trauma when they were baby and their amygdala never was able to develop properly, how do they work on their self regulation?

[@melodyshortsmusic.8]

Good topic

[@brendahornung1990]

Thanks. Yoga helps support me with self-regulation.

[@AT-ff1ql]

Hi Dr Rick Hansen and Forest Hansen, Want to let you'll know that Dr Rick Hansen's book hardwiring happiness is being discussed on Chris Williamson's Podcast with Dr K at 36:23 . It would be a great opportunity to hear Forest and Rick collaborate with Chris Williamson's over the podcast.

[@dmix2263]

??? Can we become too self aware? 37:57

[@robbielynmccrary872]

my need that is not met is feeling invisible and not having value in other people's eyes

[@freescot8035]

Hey Robbielyn =) I see you. Isn't it awful when we get the wrong end of the stick and take offence when none was intended! You are not alone there! But sometimes within an innocent comment there can a trigger that is relevant to us each individualy. Working that out can be helpful. As for adult life - yes it's scary! I guess just baby steps could get us through. Again, you are not alone with that feeling! And! I would say that it takes a fair amount of emotional intellegence and courage to explain and share your thoughts here.

[@anarcho-communist11]

I see you, too : D. Sounds like you need to find new people to hang around, if possible. Everyone has value.

[@robbielynmccrary872]

Ah but to hv value in others eyes they hv to recognize it in me. i get so consumed with getting my own needs met that i don’t take the time to be emotionally available to others. I would be valuable if I gave of myself. i don’t really know anyone deeply. I do hv some dear people who see something in me but i have a defensive personality and push others away. i’m not reciprocal as much as I should be. the good thing is i’m aware of it. but i don’t hv much to offer people or myself. The bible says there is more happiness in giving than receiving i need to practice this more. But thank you for seeing me. 😀

[@kundanrajan5342]

I am watching your vedio from India 🇮🇳. I am new to English language. Requesting you to speak slow, so that We can understand English as well as your concepts ❤❤❤❤❤

[@jamesruscheinski8602]

Christ salvation to follow divine authority