ENFJ Cruelty, What Can Be Done? | CS Joseph Responds

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ENFJ Cruelty, What Can Be Done? CS Joseph Responds to the Acolyte question, how can an ENFJ stop being cruel to their family?
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[@sylviaowega3839]

I decided to watch this video because my former ENFJ female best friend has caused me more grief than anyone else on the face of this planet; and that was only in a span of 3-4 months. She was a very intelligent and interesting individual, but a highly jealous and vengeful woman. -INTP

[@ppandya7773]

Hahaah this sounds very relatable to me because I have done this to my former INTP friend hahaha

[@nourbennacer969]

​@@ppandya7773do you really think this is funny ?

[@sylviaowega3839]

@@ppandya7773 I can only hope this is á something sincere confession.

[@noban419]

@@nourbennacer969it would make sense that he/she as an ENFJ (with Ti inferior) would not think before they speak

[@sylviaowega3839]

@@ppandya7773 Well … the ENFJ more often than not fails to understand who fiercely loyal and sensitive the INTP is.

[@Brickwilliams]

Something I’ve noticed is that our hero functions are often so abusive and neglectful. My enfj mom pisses me off more than anyone, she’ll say things that make it seem like she’s purposely trying to piss me off. And as an ni hero I’m almost never planning for my future. I think it’s because we are so confident in our hero function that we don’t even pay attention to it. An fe hero might be so confident and comfortable in their ability to give people emotional experiences that they actually neglect the emotions they give others. I think our hero function has an arrogant attitude and is lost in the sauce.

[@dannisayseffyou]

I’ve been lost in my “Fi” sauce for too long brother 😭

[@flordepelotudo]

How do you reconcile your mom saying inflammatory things when ENFJs are empathic and aware of the feelings of others? Is this the manifestation of their cruelty vice? How could it NOT be intentional? Perhaps just careless?

[@abdiqanihashi484]

...um Like my intellectual laziness 🤫🤭 Ti hero

[@abdiqanihashi484]

@@dannisayseffyou what do you mean?

[@Brickwilliams]

@@flordepelotudo yeah like I said I think they are arrogant with their fe like all other hero functions. They pretty much feel like they’re always giving people good emotional experiences so they’re just in giving people some bad ones. Also carelessness

[@Pheonix1111]

Charity truly begins at home.

[@icingcake]

No wonder pastors’ kids have problems

[@00Klingon]

My ENFJ wife struggled with this for a time when we were young. She had an ESTJ boss who clashed with her on many cognitive levels and she brought that stress and behavior home with her. She sought counseling for this and she went in fully expecting the councilor to take her side, to confirm her worst fears about me. Instead, he helped her to realize that I was extremely loyal, patient, and it was her cruelty that was causing a wedge between us. In time we’ve worked it out amazingly well. She knows not to bottle up her frustrations inside and gets them out as soon as she can so we can discuss them. This has done wonders for our relationship and our marriage is old enough to legally drink in the states. Communication is absolutely necessary for both people in a relationship with ENFJ. It is in silence that the imagination can run wild and get both into trouble.

[@amandar.1750]

I’m an ENFJ who was raised by an ESFJ mother. I spent most of my childhood being incredibly frustrated with feeling that people outside of our family were given priority over my siblings and I. Especially when it came to emotional needs. This has made me super aware of the tendency to become complacent when it comes to one’s own family and how wrong it is to be a people pleaser. I’ve come to realize that, due to growing up with serious chronic illnesses since I was a baby, I’ve been living most of my life in my INFP shadow and only recently have had the chance to develop my ENFJ ego (getting healthier and removing myself from environments that punish me for being all the things an ENFJ should be). So watching videos like these are helpful in coming to better understand who I want to be and the dangers of who I could be. Thanks for putting out these videos. I’d love to have a conversation one day.

[@abdiqanihashi484]

I've never witnessed a look more murderous than the one I've seen on the face of an enfj. I've never witnessed a look more benevolent than the one I've seen on the face of an enfj. ...🙃I feel so experienced. -a poetic intp

[@noban419]

Good description, as an ESTP I see the emotionality of my ENFJ dad as wasteful in the long-term and unnecessary in a lot of situations but he reuses tired methods through the anchor of “benevolence.” He is cruel to himself and his family which can make me rage on him badly (even to physical extremes) and he is so goddamn unaware of himself that he doesn’t even know how to avoid it. He ignites a fire that he does not know how to extinguish and I do not know how to stop him from lighting the flame.

[@abdiqanihashi484]

@@noban419 so he over exerts his benevolence in the wrong situations and ignites emotional commitments that are unsustainable. (If you don't mind my advice) See if you could get him to dip into ni auxiliary more often,to asses the sustainability of a behavior and the internal impact it has. Maybe he could tap into the underlying patterns of his decision making thus stumbling upon valuable insights.(enfjs take pride in their intellectual side) From the enfj I knew enfj cruelty is so precise and calculating but if they're doing this to many people it takes a toll on them and they typically try coping by being even more benevolent. It seems to feed into a negative feed back loop.

[@JR-ow8xg]

My INTP boyfriend would agree with you. My cruelty is controlled most of the time (unconscious focus, good Ne critic-wise development) but when it wants to go out my INTP feels intimidated by it. Little does he know that he has the power to release my tension just by touching my hand.

[@abdiqanihashi484]

@@JR-ow8xg Omg😆 Marry him!

[@abdiqanihashi484]

@Noban speaking of dad problems I'm knee deep in shit😥 My dad is an istj with fe trickster and te parent (he has very little patience with human imperfections *requires the use of fe* messing up his precious 💞📠 system) anddddddd I'm and intp with fe inferior (the actions and words of people have an amplified effect on me 😅) soooo my ti hero decides school rules or any external metrics are stupid. *Te parent's eyes are blazing red* And my poor si child takes a sound beating🙁. Sooo a fickle situation I find myself in. But I've been knee deep in shit many,many,many times so I might be ok.😗💁🏼‍♂️ Pray for meee🤲

[@johnsmith-pm1qe]

I'm an ENFJ. I think what you need to do, is simmer in the notion that the people close to you, like YOU. Not just what you provide for them. They like you, not in spite of, but BECAUSE of your idiosyncrasies, quirks, and vulnerabilities. The reason why this is important, is because by doing this, you humanize yourself TO yourself, and cease viewing yourself as merely a conduit for virtue/benevolence/charity ect. It's important because ENFJ's have a jesus/hero/martyr complex, and believe that their worth towards others is strictly transactional - that you only like me because of what i actively provide you. It doesn't occur to me that others might be viewing me, just as i view them. I find other peoples vulnerabilities and 'humanness' to be endearing, and it inflates my care and interest towards them. The people around you might feel similarly towards YOU. This helps an ENFJ not feel so hollow. We tend to reject the 'bad' or more deeply personal parts of ourself, because we fear that they are an impediment towards our mission to give. And so we fear that if they are revealed, others' will lose faith in us, or judge that we have no utility towards them. Stop trying to be perfect, perfection is ugly. Not only do others not believe in your projected perfection and distrust it, but it arouses a sense of uncanny valley. Marilyn Monroe was made all the more beautiful because her mole, not in spite of it.

[@MiillieMesh]

This is very beautiful. I intend to tell this to my ENFJ who I have fantasy wise fell in love with ☺

[@sylviaowega3839]

What is interesting, that at the same time, I had another ENFJ best friends at the same time, but he winded up being healthy besides being very intelligent and empathetic, and our friendship lasted 30 plus years

[@sylviaowega3839]

Almost every family I know have a ‘golden child’, including my own

[@iraqisailor]

As an ENFJ, I needed to hear this, I will keep coming to this video to remind myself, because we tend to forget and slip into auto mode.

[@sylviaowega3839]

I also know one male ENFJ, in which I met just 6 months ago, and confided to me about something that he now feels greatly guilty about. He admitted to me that he abandoned the mother of his first born son, whom was his fiancée and cheated on her several times. He even told be that he left her alone at a bar, as he decided to go somewhere else with his male buddies.

[@Pinkywinkykinky]

Literally my dad as an Enfj, he's a time bomb when he gets home

[@omerekici9835]

Thanks for this video. It's true what you say and I think every ENFJ will experience something like this. The important part is to reflect on it, accept and learn from it. Compared to 2 years ago, a lot have changed, which I am thankful for.

[@underwaterpanther]

This is so important to understand. I know many and have seen it throughout life. Thank you for speaking on it.

[@fictcharactersfan]

They end up cruel because they are not careful about their own emotional needs ( fi) they give and give and don't expect anything back ( fe) and then suddenly they realise that they haven't take anything from the others and they have lost a lot of things so they either stop helping them and they become cruel or they want to take back whatever they have give to they others which is justified !!!.. .

[@celticdeamon567]

They always expect something back but not conscious of it until it's too late. Everything is transactional and nothing is freely given with ENFJ

[@SS-bu8ez]

They don't give for free. There's always strings attached with Fe doms.

[@fictcharactersfan]

@@SS-bu8ez i understand ,

[@fictcharactersfan]

@@SS-bu8ez fe can be very manipulative im just saying that they can be extremely charitable and giving when they are at their bests

[@Greg-lw4zb]

Fascinating video. I'll be passing this along to an ENFJ friend for sure. Thanks, Chase!

[@sylviaowega3839]

Great episode, as usual

[@tanni1986]

Thank you C.S Joseph for this video. I feel like someone actually understands me in your videos. As an ENFJ I completely resonate with this. It's something I have always known about myself and working on. Well trying to.....

[@japanesereadingandwriting]

"No" is the most important word in the English language.

[@BookofYAH777]

the way you described "cruelty" sounds more like negligence. Perhaps "negligence vs benevolence" would be a better way to describe virtue and vice of ENFJ?

[@SS-bu8ez]

No they are cruel, they behave like a psycho sometimes

[@BookofYAH777]

@@SS-bu8ez can you share with me a case study of that? 😋

[@SS-bu8ez]

@BookofYAH777 My whole life basically. I wish I didn't have an ENFJ family member. It's better to be distant acquaintances with them instead of a close relationship. They are more useful that way.

[@BookofYAH777]

@@SS-bu8ez how does their crulety look like?

[@dannisayseffyou]

Congratulations on getting CS PRIME !!!

[@michaelgreene2010]

ENFJ's are all about status. Seems like the child with the highest status level influenced them. They will choose favorites in the family and ignore family members who don't have the same status level who are loyal. My mom is an unhealthy ENFJ. On a field trip I remember my mom siding with a bully who had status knowing I was being bullied.

[@japanesereadingandwriting]

Good work Joseph.

[@japanesereadingandwriting]

ENFJ cruelty is a serious problem in the world today.

[@nmorg1616]

Another amazing insightful upload. Very off topic but I’m friends with a kind of unhealthy Enfj who, in the nicest way possible, has been a teensy bit indoctrinated into the church. It’s kind of funny and sad cuz he tries so hard to live his virtue but u just get those moments where his Ne critic comes out and he can’t stand anyone who isn’t following god or is wasting their time wanting stupid things just cuz they said they like marvel. That got rly off topic but amazing and accurate vid. Also I’m kind of curious about what makes u think Estps and Enfjs benefit the most from therapy? I’m assuming it has to do with Fi and Si trickster but I figured I’d ask anyway

[@Brickwilliams]

So if everyone ultimately wants to be subconsciously focused and spending time with incompatible people pushes us towards our unconscious, how do we grow more spending time with incompatible people?

[@MamaJanella]

My mother was one. It was awful. Maybe she should just stop talking?

[@Brickwilliams]

Same and my sister, I think infj and enfj has got to be the worst combination of all time, I can’t stand their se child and they can’t stand my ti child.

[@jhinthevirtuoso4886]

@@Brickwilliams whats annoying about SE child? Their constant need for attention?

[@Brickwilliams]

@@jhinthevirtuoso4886 more so the freedom they have in giving others experiences where I am more conserved and pessimistic with my se inferior. They think the same about my ti child they always say I “just say shit”

[@SS-bu8ez]

They'd finally learn if they were placed in solitary confinement

[@MamaJanella]

@@SS-bu8ez I don't think so. They'd just save it all up until they were free. When they're inconvenienced or angry, nothing stops them.

[@moonsharn]

Where do you get this stuff? We’ve just played this as a family of 7 and listened together. Mum ENFJ, dad ESFJ, kids ENFP x 2, entp, INTP, INFP. Mum has literally never been cruel ever in our lives, in fact the least cruel person you will meet.

[@sunsetjesus4719]

2:47 she be like - umm check me out? lolol

[@TheGuyWhoCantPickAName]

Sorry but what’s development phase

[@alisaki7152]

Hey c.s joseph. thanks for your videos, I have a question from you, as far as I know we can find the behaviours of persons such as informative or directive by ask this question, go toget milk or we do not have milk. So, we have such question like that to know who is affilative or pragmetic? Thank you.

[@CSJoseph]

Keep watching, check the playlists.

[@alisaki7152]

Thanks.

[@rjh7700]

My enfj buddy can be a little cruel when he's worn out, for sure. His SO and I ganged up on him over his being a f*ck up, and he snorted my computer cleaner and laughed at us one time. We're all in a better place these days, thank God✌️

[@HoytoHoyto]

Initially, I thought that the hat you were wearing in this video was a type-symbol hat. I browsed through your online store and didn’t see any hats. Please consider type-symbol hats for merchandising in the future. 🔥 Sorry, Se inferior was distracted.

[@ekaterinal8631]

Just so I’m clear, in this case is cruelty synonymous with lack of attention/care or neglect?

[@fatimanuela]

Would you say this could also be an issue for INFJ and ISFJ (and ESFJ, of course)? I had the impression (in the beginning many years ago) that my ISFJ husband invested so much (time) in his online projects and the community around it that there was nothing left for himself or me. And he denied me as much as he denied himself because he saw me as a part of him, in a way. Though I wouldn't call it cruel, but unaware in that case. (But without that I'd never have found Jesus. So I'm still grateful. 😁)

[@celticdeamon567]

THANK YOU. FINALLY. Enfjs listen up and get your sanity injection, or forever hold your complete lack of peace.

[@aparnadas359]

My ENTJ dad did this too.

[@felixthecat2786]

What if your family is selfish and you no longer wish to enable their bad behaviors.

[@salomeyul]

Then you stop enabling and stop engaging in behaviours that you don't approve

[@abdiqanihashi484]

You bear patience with a beautiful patience.for some family is one of their biggest trials. Try to find some decently good relatives and friends you could rely upon.(I know it's easier said than done especially coming from a person that doesn't face the same problem so my understanding is limited and conceptual)

[@isabelledinneweth]

👍

[@sylviaowega3839]

My youngest daughter came out as ISFP from the 16 Personalities test, but I have a lot of doubts as she is not a people pleaser and is no artist. She’s a lot more talented with the maths and sciences like physics and chemistry. She into manage/anime, but is far more into the stories than the artwork

[@malakashraf2801]

Doesn't deny it , and fi users who are pragmatic are not people pleasers

[@dandee6604]

That's not surprising, girl from HS is the same way

[@nemesis27]

Pragmatic Fi users are not people pleasers

[@jaredvaughan1665]

They have to listen to Elvis and Don't be Cruel.

[@zephdo2971]

Nothing succumbs to peer pressure, people pleasing and normalized homophobia than enfjs

[@YouilAushana]

19:02 - enfp always need to be the center of attention that bubbly personality might be a mask

[@noban419]

ENFJs can either be kind to treachery or treacherously kind

[@japanesereadingandwriting]

I think ISFPs generally don't like ENTPs.

[@saralaradji6766]

Regardless of the topic of this video, it's makes me sad that you feel like the poeple you love ,your ant ,sister and her husband doesn't like you , I hope this is just your baseless assumptions , regardless pls do Express your love to them in real life like you just did multiple times I doubt they won't appreciate, every love deserves to be reciprocated, to be honest I would probably find you pretty annoying in real life if I ever met you but that doesn't make you unlikable it's actually quite fun , that's how I could see you are an entp from the get go ,you all got this charismaticly annoying and sass to you , so if someone makes you feel unwelcomed due to some of your behaviors or traits they could be just like me not necessarily cut throat hating you , if it's some family drama then it's never too late to try and solve it