Enneagram: Defense Strategy of Type 4

[@aliveandfit]

"melancholy sadness for Eden lost" what a great way to put it.

[@akpenguin1859]

Being a 4 feels like constantly having to monitor myself and apologize just for existing...

[@siana.studio9487]

I ear you ❤

[@carmellarkin4803]

Agreed.

[@YasLove111]

Haha so relatable!😂❤

[@kiaadams104]

bahahaah... factz

[@sylviacline3472]

I’m sorry. That sounds hard. You are special, unique, and needed in the world.

[@aidoneusm7831]

It's funny, when I clicked on this video the first thing I remarked on was the runtime. It feels like you always go, like, twice as long with the 4 stuff. This is something I absolutely appreciate, because of what you noted: Wanting to understand myself better, and wanting to be understood. And you always do it from a place of empathy, and wanting to understand it yourself. It's just really reassuring/validating to see someone trying so hard to understand, and nailing it btw, instead of giving up halfway through. Great video, as always. I found myself really relating/resonating with everything here, and I sort of started writing too much commentary about it in notepad lmao. Tbh, I think this might be my favorite video on 4s so far. I really appreciated the empathy talk, in particular. Normally 4s are talked about as stormy, hateful, unwilling to bend; but we really do have a great deal of empathy. For me, the hate directly stems from empathy. It's both a blessing and a curse to have so much clarity for how things are, how people are, how things should be and being so ineffective at doing anything about it. Whether that's due to my own social ineptitude, self-defeatism, an unwillingness from the other party, etc. And I do dampen my feelings sometimes because it is so much, so overwhelming. That's normally what gets my melancholia going, too. It's been a constant struggle throughout the duration of my life that I feel too much, or incorrectly. Even before I got into enneagram, I often pondered about my tendency to "hold onto" feelings, even if the situation was resolved amicably, even if I was proven to be in the right. Thank you for another wonderful video; thank you for making such an effort to understand us better.💞

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@zubedauddin8102]

I hope this may help some 4s: Theres a question I finally came to ask myself which really changed my perspective as a 4. Its a question that may terrify some 4s. Here it is: if life is a series of paths, and we choose every path endlessly searching for the meaning that will make everything make sense, what if we were told that all the paths lead to no meaning. What if there is no meaning? And you'll never find what it is you are desperately looking for. Then we would have to choose a path based on which one looks interesting to us and then our only job is to (god forbid) enjoy, explore and experience the path. Our fixation on the destination is spoiling our journey. In order for this explanation to resonate, you really have to contemplate that all paths end in the same place, therefore none is worth taking over another, and its down to personal preference. I found this so freeing, I no longer have to agonise over my life and can end the endless search that is never quenched no matter how much knowledge I seek. Its like the horizon analogy, it only moves further away the closer I come to it. I can finally focus on enjoying life in all its glory.

[@twlahue]

Embracing the journey itself transforms our search for meaning.

[@peachesandpoets]

Oh my goodness this is so helpful

[@shannonashleigh]

Yessss! As a 4, too much empathy it’s overwhelming especially with what’s happening everywhere in the world, people dying and suffering. I can’t do anything about it right now so I turn a blind eye so I can still try to function in the world.

[@twlahue]

It's important to take care of yourself too in this overwhelming world.

[@SimplyBrillanceProductions]

You’re honestly spot on EVERY-TIME, with EVERY point! Thank you!!

[@twlahue]

Glad you think so!

[@sallyelhajj24]

The accuracy of your interpretation is uncanny! I've seen this video and the one about the three levels of health for Fours, and it feels like you are reading me, describing every period of my life and how and why I reacted in such a way. (yes I even was goth for a period of my life) It is as amazingly insightful as much as it is intrusive and uncovering. You wondered a few times in both videos about how accurate you may be, you are super accurate, I'd say it applies to 90% of me. Introjection is something I've done my entire life (as a teenager unconsciously and in a toxic way) but as an adult now it is mostly consciously, I literally say that I observe people and when I notice a trait that I'd love to have and that I think will help me grow, then I consciously work on incorporating it into my personality. I feel it's a positive things rather than negative when you are aware of what you're choosing, and you're using it for personal growth. I think we will always, unnecessarily be working on creating and growing our identity, it's never ending. However I'd suggest delivering the growth advices more in a way that a Four could relate to and understand in order for them to incorporate it, as not everyone has the self awareness and psychological insight to dissect what actions need to be taken into actual steps, since we are constantly drowning in our emotions, getting out of it and snapping into practicality is not a simple feat for Fours. Lastly: "You cannot hug a porcupine" Oh my God this sentence is as deep and informative as it is simple and elegant. Thank you for this work. (There is so much more I want to say but this reply is very long already)

[@shannonashleigh]

As a 4, I love you inviting us to the surface.. to the present physical moment. Sometimes that transition is hard for us but it is soooooo relieving and such a joyful experience. The present moment where we can function and smile is so freeing rather than being paralysed physically by overthinking. Maybe 4s and 7s would be good for each other as long as they understand each other they can guide each other gently into what each other needs.

[@twlahue]

4s and 7s teaming up could be the start of a superhero duo - the Present Moment and the Joyful Experience!

[@kennedym263]

As soon as you said we’ll slow down, 4’s don’t need to rush through this, I knew you understood us 😂❤️ ty

[@TurnLemons2Lemonade_]

I don't turn off my feelings like you suggested; I just choose carefully who I hang out with because some of the types can be really invalidating and unkind, or disagree with whatever I say rather than listening and caring. I choose 2's to be close friends with.

[@peachesandpoets]

4w5 35:00 you're so right about the shutting it down. When I'm overwhelmed by empathy I turn it off all the way and heal myself.

[@RachelRoth1234]

Yayyyyy! I’ve been waiting for #4!!! Thank you Dr. Tom LaHue really appreciate your channel 🎉

[@twlahue]

My pleasure!

[@Jemimastar28]

I’m one of those 4’s who is actually kind to others and treat them with respect. Maybe it’s because of my dominant instinct (SO). Connection to other people is the thing I love the most but I can get really angry and sad inside when people disappoint me and in that case I struggle to feel love and can appear aloof when it happens

[@twlahue]

Awesome, thanks for sharing that.

[@siljemeisnerellingsen5057]

So am I. But I’m 48 now. I was quite something different 30 years ago.

[@Jemimastar28]

@@siljemeisnerellingsen5057 I’m only 27, but very self-aware

[@peachesandpoets]

​@@twlahue 29:00 John Mayer, famous 4 (I'm guessing wing 3) has a song called somethings missing. It was my fav song as a teenager, before I knew what the enneagram was. I related to it so much. Great video.

[@Parallax200]

This is so accurate for me. Oh wow. You articulated this very well

[@userdata9511]

17:10 Type 9 here. My sibling is a 4 and this was very relatable. Your videos are really insightful and help me understand the other perspectives.

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@isletheologian]

type 9s and 4s usually connect well, 9s understand 4s better than most at least in my opinion

[@genblewitt2]

As a Self pres 4 win 5. This rings true for me as a younger woman. My life is so much better for me now as I have embraced some interpersonal skills and stopped rejecting people at first glance. A friend told me that when some people first met me they thought I didn’t like them. To tell the truth I barely noticed them - I was that self absorbed!! I’m grateful for this system - it’s been my greatest insight and release ) done tonnes of therapy! ) Thankyou Tom - your insights are true and valuable. Reminds me how far I have come. X

[@siljemeisnerellingsen5057]

This was quite spot on 😊 I’m a SP4 who’s done a lot of inner work. 12 years of psychoanalysis. And still I thought “doesn’t everybody do this?!” 😂 I probably agree more to this now than I would have some years ago. Thanx Tom 🥰❤️

[@twlahue]

Well said!

[@fabledkiper]

Waiting for type 6 to drop for my friend. Type 2 helped me alot last week!

[@maitebaldi6450]

I really love the way you talk about all this. Great energy, I think you got it pretty accurate. Thank you 🙏🏻 I am currently trying to open up and create my own community/find “my people”, not that easy but I am on it ! Thank you for your content and keep on with the good work !❤

[@twlahue]

You got this!

[@bernadetteevans4117]

You are always pretty much bang on. Also, I love your commentary and sense of humour. Thank you, Dr. Tom for making these videos and sharing your wisdom. I really appreciate it and you.

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@ave2086]

I'm not sure about other fours, but to me introjection doesn't really manifest as grabbing aspects from certain peoples / certain aesthetics. As a kid and a teenager I already had manneurisms, but I didn't inherit them observation, it came from within. Introjection was mostly about channeling something, and discover my authenticity through this channeling. Introjection is often to me the result of the influence of images, characters, stances I've created, mostly artistically. But I agree that it can lead to a sort of longing for things that are just objects of imagination. But a certain joy, even extasy I'd say, can be cultivated in melancholy :) On the darker side of introjection, however, I understood that the inner critic from the type one emerged in me from it, and that it led to giving power to some people, or ideas, thus depriving myself from my authority. The figure of the parent persisting through their absence, or the gaze of society. Then it's no longer a tool for exploration, but more so a pressure that loops you in shame, the very shame of being oneself. But understanding it helped me tremendously

[@twlahue]

Exploring authenticity through introjection reveals depth and growth.

[@tanukajit]

Hey Dr. Tom, this commentary has been bang on and helps to name the "shame" based churning within. There are so many precious gems that I resonate with especially "mundane" is poison for a 4 and "don't tll me what to do"- my life's anthem :) Thank you.

[@twlahue]

Glad to help

[@jessebailey5885]

As a four--you're a blessing to my heart! Thank you for your wisdom!

[@twlahue]

Wow, thank you!

[@lindseyl5842]

Always appreciate your insight, Dr. Tom!

[@twlahue]

I appreciate that!

[@artanddesign459]

Your opening appreciation is greatly valued! Love, SP 4w3 :)

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@lisaprzybyszewski6719]

Great video Tom. You explained introjection very well in a way that really resonated with me as a 4. ❤

[@twlahue]

Awesome! Thank you!

[@SchmausiMausi]

You really should do that tab on the shoulder thing. I could have needed someone like you in my life as a teenager.

[@twlahue]

Thanks, I will consider it.

[@acsilver2777]

uploaded 8 days ago. needed this for a loved one thank you.

[@twlahue]

Welcome

[@Nic-bd6bj]

tom, I have all the compassion for you that you will ever need ❤

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@lunak16]

As a 4 identifying person, wow!!!! You got me! I was so reaffirmed hearing it all! I do have all the 4 qualities, and to think I allowed myself to be bamboozled once into doubting myself into a 7. Nothing against 7's, I just identified more with the four. I was sad that I wasn't a 4. Also glad I was a 7. Of course, I tried it on. However...always felt loyal to 4. I am definitely the off kilter type in my personal life. And I just talked to a good friend, whom I've been feeling distant from, because I have been de-prioritized, as we named, about the things you mention. So yes!!! Thank you. I love being a 4. And you just brought so much clarity to my Foursomeness, that I am grateful to you!!!!

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@hxllxwaf]

those bits toward the first half had me ready to fight you bro lol “you’re just like everyone else” hurt

[@twlahue]

Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts! I love hearing how my content resonates with you, even if it stings a bit!

[@hxllxwaf]

@@twlahue 😂❤️

[@RosemaryLaNoreBailey]

Characterization as an individualists can come from so many different sources: Perspective, liking things ie. aesthetically different. Trying to get out of an inauthentic straight jacket, wanting to be good and ourselves. Needing the attention we can't ask for. Some people are loud about it and some quiet. Tom, You hit all the notes, and sometimes we hit all of them too, at different times, for different reasons ,in different ways. We are individuals. Like you are. Even as a 7 : ) (This is the 2nd video I wanted to say that.) Maybe we pass through phases in life? Very helpful.

[@twlahue]

Absolutely! Our individuality is shaped by so many factors, and it's fascinating how we evolve through different phases of life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[@Bathwatergardenhose]

When you’re talking in the beginning about how the 4 “flips” from the broken to the healer, it reminded me of how character arcs work in storytelling. How the beginning mirrors the resolution. I wonder what the mirror would be for the rest of the types in terms of their self development? We all have our own stories. :)

[@twlahue]

That is great

[@shannonashleigh]

I’m a 4 and was on holidays and my mum (as a 1) said don’t get comfortable being on holidays. I was so triggered even though I know she was speaking from good intentions, I had a full anxiety breakdown. I felt like I was doing amazing in life and feeling really good excited to go back to work. When she said that I felt like starting my holiday all over again 😅😂

[@twlahue]

It's tough when even well-meaning comments hit a nerve. Remember to take care of yourself and focus on the positives in your life!

[@RosemaryLaNoreBailey]

As far as being overwhelmed and sometimes wanting and needing to reject the responsibility of meeting someone else's needs, empathy. Your absolutely right. Give me a time out. Burnout amplifies this. We sometimes (speaking for myself) need help. ... "What do you mean,not nice, and kind?"wink! Dealing with other people's garbage brings out the tiger or exhaustion.

[@architektura204]

The 4's tendency for their emotions to be stuck in a black hole makes it difficult for me to relate to. I am 8w7 with also tendencies to see the darkness in the world, but 4s exhaust me with their almost exclusive attachment to the fatalistic sadness which I always wanted to fix not understanding that they don't want to fix it, because this is what fuels their creativity. I finally realized that I just need to be gentle with 4s and to just admire their melancholic creativity. However, I am not entering their black hole anymore, nor trying to help them see the lightness of being. Listening Tom to your takes on all the numbers always provides a dose of equilibrium for me. And when you talk about 8, you make me laugh with delight because good, bad and ugly, you are always right on my already 7 decades old 8-ness. Thank you for being.

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@seancroley]

Funny, and m a 4W5 and my wife is an 8W7. She says my emotions are too much for her to manage. I tell her I don't need her to manage them; I just need her to hear them. She absolutely doesn't understand me anymore as she once did. I applaud you and encourage you in you efforts to understand us 4's. my faith gives me strength that she may someday come to the understanding you have. 😊

[@architektura204]

@@seancroley 4s come to 8's life to make us softer, and more tolerant. But o my! It takes a long time for an 8 to give up the idea that we can fix everything we perceive as painful or broken. Exploring the Enneagram's profound wisdom can be a valuable tool in helping the human race understand each other and build peace, starting within our families and communities, and ultimately, the world. Thank you for your kind note.

[@keithparker1346]

I think you need to read some Jung and individuation...its all about accepting both the light and dark

[@RosemaryLaNoreBailey]

Maybe your opinion is a little insensitive? I think as a generalization your in the basement. I am sorry your person doesn't sit right with you. But it's the one person. Don't hang all of us.

[@zephaniahlisha6775]

@Dr. Tom Lahue Thank you very much for explaining this, thank you for your empathy and willingness to understand our complex psyche. I relate to all the points you said in this video. Now I'm realizing why i get rude and aloof with people and withdraw when inside i really like them. I don't know how to solve it but i can't stand inauthenticity, and the world is full of unauthentic people who just want to get going. I'm struggling to accept people as this so this info is very helpful.

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@seancroley]

Looking forward to this.

[@SusanBloemhof]

You're funny! ❤ Thank you! Xxx

[@ThkTwice]

I’m a type 1, 2 and a 6 if you consider the three types .. based on results. I was given a book to listen to (it’s on Audible) titled “The Quiet Heart” and it all came together. We weren’t designed by God (our spirit) to handle a fallen world. It began with Adam and Eve. This is where we struggle. Heart, spirit and soul.. The book is an eye opener! Tom, you’re honest and constructive criticism comes from the heart and I admire you much.. ty

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

Bingo! 4 artist here and relate to introjection: authenticity, emotional depth, feel intensely, understanding, empathetic, get overwhelmed by feelings at times, may sometimes appear a bit aloof or reserved or quite shy, need to conserve myself (hard 5 wing)….not melancholy typically anymore but absolutely love a sad book or film…the joy and the sorrow, sometimes look for what I am missing in a life lesson or situation…For sure, please don’t tell me what to do! :^}

[@twlahue]

Nice

[@ReyWilde]

So we're like identity-kleptomaniacs in a way. 😂

[@twlahue]

That is an interesting way to say it,,,,

[@westonkramer8800]

A few things to note in my life in response to this video: Introjection can me a two-edged sword; if it goes well, there's this internal peace, like everything is falling into place. If it goes wrong, I feel cheap, inauthentic, and unoriginal. The words you were looking for in place of "mother-whatever" in regard to sharing your authentic self with someone deemed unworthy are "filthy peasant." Someone placing such a demand, intentionally or otherwise, is beneath me. In my conversations with friends, there's this internal time limit for socializing! Once I hit about an hour and a half, it becomes physically exhausting to care about what we're talking about, and then anything past the two hour mark is met with one word answers and apathy.

[@lorilizdofo]

I am a 4w5 with a 3w2 partner. We can drive one another nuts at times, but ultimately we learn a lot from one another and creste good balance in our relationship.

[@twlahue]

True

[@userdata9511]

17:10 Type 9 here. My sibling is a 4 and this was very relatable.

[@twlahue]

Great

[@lebenergy247]

My daughter (who is a 4) thought this was very interesting

[@twlahue]

Great

[@mattj6470]

I feel a little more justified why I normally don't like being told what to do... It's an issue when it comes to authority. I was labeled early on in life in school and life and had to reimage myself once I got to college and again going into my career over and over. Christ got me through and always will.

[@twlahue]

It's tough when past labels stick with you, but it's great to hear that you've found strength in faith to overcome them.

[@JerrTheHooman]

"You're not nice!" Took me out 😂😂😂😂. I was inner monolouging a few weeks ago and I said something kind of mean and blunt out load while alone and then said, "that's kind of mean." Then followed up with, "Well, I'm not here to be friendly, im here to be REAL." Then that made me realize, I'm not a nice person. I'd like to think I am but I'm not. I'm kind, I'm philanthropic, I LOVE people, I LOVE nature and I LOVE, the world, put I simultaneously despise it all just as much. I know I can have a nasty disposition sometimes so I've been working on it 😂 it's like, why don't I have friends? Maybe you're ugly, NO! YOURE JUST A B*** 😂😂😂😂

[@twlahue]

TOO funny, thanks so much for sharing this reflection.

[@reinventingrene]

^^^ unhealthy 4. Doc, i would love to know the instances of ADHD in 4's. and then broken down further between hyperactive and innattentive. i'm a middle aged 4 that just got officially diagnosed with adhd.

[@twlahue]

Uh Oh,

[@ninjanav]

my money on type 4 typically have anxiety issues (GAD) .. so the reason the are not 'nice' is because they are dealing with underlying emotions that they can't express (understand) in a conventional sense.. the only outlet is art, creativity, making sense of the unknown/unseen. They are operating subconsciously .. 4s also at their 'lowest' can turn very impulsive .. especially, when it's a matter of 'love'.

[@twlahue]

You bring up some really insightful points about type 4s and their emotional depth. It's fascinating how creativity serves as an outlet for expressing those complex feelings!

[@brendencarroll4230]

An 8 w7 here. My girlfriend is a 4… and the more I learn about them the more I realize my mom is as well. I thought it was interesting how 4s and 8s have a lot in common with a desire for authenticity and self expression, they just go about it different ways. I don’t feel like I need to intentionally stand out like 4s, but in all things I go my own way. Being called normal and mundane wouldn’t hurt my feelings, but only because I already know it isn’t true.

[@twlahue]

It's fascinating to see the similarities between different Enneagram types and how they approach authenticity and self-expression!

[@isa-manuelaalbrecht2951]

You describe my sis on her very best...😂🤣🤭😏 Me as being 5/6..very brainy, that gives a hard time to me sometimes...😁🤣🤣🤪

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@AshleyChing-c3o]

I have a 4 wing and I’m from a 2 and 9 family 🤯

[@ninjanav]

fours understand this -> “The finest emotion of which we are capable is the mystic emotion. Herein lies the germ of all art and all true science. Anyone to whom this feeling is alien, who is no longer capable of wonderment and lives in a state of fear is a dead man. To know that what is impenetrable for us really exists and manifests itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, whose gross forms alone are intelligible to our poor faculties - this knowledge, this feeling … that is the core of the true religious sentiment. In this sense, and in this sense alone, I rank myself among profoundly religious men.” ― Albert Einstein

[@twlahue]

That's such a profound quote by Einstein! It's amazing how he captures the essence of wonder and the importance of embracing the mysteries of life.

[@urchicfashion1976]

Waiting for type 5.

[@shannonashleigh]

Amen! As a 4, I do feel like everyone moves on from the fall easily without God and I’m here needing to be with God 24/7 to be able to cope with the fallenness. I was a very unhealthy 4 before God in 2018. I learned my identity in Christ so I’m searching much less than I was!! Jesus bridged that gap for me and makes me feel like everything will be ok. ❤

[@twlahue]

That's awesome to hear how much you've changed for the better. Keep shining your light!

[@dontworryaboutthegovernmen6959]

Manga: "Mon-gah"

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@gregoryritchie7852]

As a 4 with a Christian Biblical perspective looking through the fallen eyes of Adam and Eve, Paradise lost, entered house of horrors, terror, haunted house into the fallen world. Experienced this first hand when I first developed mix of bipolar and schizophrenia in my early 20's. Truly frightening hallucinations and delusions- real terror experienced first hand. What a fallen world! Come Lord Jesus! Relationships a nightmare in this world. Good news, the New Jerusalem is on its way.

[@twlahue]

YES Thanks for checking out the video

[@noturbo]

I am not afraid of the dark 😉

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@noturbo]

resistance is futile

[@sutergirlify]

❤

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@johnfaulk7775]

I think you are referring to Manga!

[@twlahue]

Yes...

[@governordog]

You don't know me Dr. Tom LaHue! You're not my real dad!

[@twlahue]

Awe, Thanks

[@ronin5051]

'promo sm'

[@cinemaclockwork215]

Make your video short then it is easy . I have attention span problem

[@twlahue]

I'm On It!!!

[@tetramegistus]

introjection is not a 4 defense mechanism despite what Naranjo said. Introjection is taking something from the outside an internalizing it. This is the opposite of what 4s do because 4s are hyper focused on their individuality. They seek to not be influenced from anything outside themselves. 9s unconsciously constantly introject. They’re unconsciously absorbing. People try to say “oh 4s interjected once early in life their parents negative feelings”. 1) if so that’s not a defense strategy that’s a wound But 2) that would reduce type 4 structure to merely being a case of bad self esteem/self image. what's a 4 without bad self-esteem or self image? 4 is instead a type trying to over-individuate by rejection and separating from others/external view. they're not 'trying to be understood', they're asserting that you don't and can't understand them because they're too unique. You’re confusing 4 with 9

[@twlahue]

Thanks for making this point

[@armarat7419]

Your channel is great, except for all the theology/religion. I really wish you would keep it evidence-based/secular because you're losing me with the other stuff.

[@twlahue]

Sorry, I am who I am...

[@armarat7419]

@@twlahue, no need to apologize, just pointing out that for some of us it's a source of noise that prevents your otherwise excellent and informative messages from getting through.