Ep. 104 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, the bears look over Rap Snacks and debate if they should reinvent cereals! Bert tells Tom how he watched him sleep last time he was in Austin, Tom tells Bert how some kids thought he was security at a store he was shopping at, and Bert shares how it's a shame his daughters won't be able to date anyone cool like him. Bert and Nadav agree to go on a weight loss kick and be each others accountabili-buddies, and Bert goes down a rabbit hole of what male toys he's going to get for himself.
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[@tseremed]

Bert: how are you so skinny? Tom: eating clean Bert: launches into 15 minutes of rap snacks

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Beet kreischer is fat

[@rob2419]

The camera cutting to Tom looking at the camera when Brent says crazy shit might be my favorite part of the podcast

[@ligairi]

Same here. “Thank you” to Ricky Gervais.

[@Heyitsallgoodman]

Yes more of that

[@derockin2103]

It's one of the best parts of YMH too when Kristen gets a little heavy on the "big" words!

[@Dominiricanation]

“Tom and I are interested in cereals…”

[@jamesjustice8711]

Who's Brent?

[@EwokPanda]

*Bert:* "A hot cereal" *Me:* "Oatmeal?" *Bert:* "...that's savory and you want to put an egg on top" *Me:* "Grits?"

[@beastlydookie81]

Exactly what i thought 😂

[@killhall021]

Same here, also an omelet works with it too

[@Sassofrassquatch92]

@@killhall021 exactly, eggs with an egg on top

[@Dan-ex5sg]

Can someone PLEASE make a compilation of every time Bert tries to convince himself he's not an alcoholic

[@markcummings2723]

That sounds like a full time job

[@jurj97]

I will take it upon myself to listen to each 2 Bears while I'm at work and watermark each event of denial

[@bonelysschicken]

Pls make a savory breakfast cereal i have thought about this so much but yall actually have the means to do it

[@LanceWillMakeIt]

That would just be the whole podcast

[@Kansanite]

Can we start a gofundme for the poor soul who has to quit his life for this task

[@jctsea]

"I was eating a breakfast burrito yesterday and I was thinking, 'why isn't this a cereal?'" -Brent Kreshner, 2021

[@chobblegobbler2536]

only the mind of bruce chrysler could produce such thoughts

[@Lerkero]

Burrit O's. Part of a balanced breakfast

[@dickhammerbush172]

He wants to eat cat food, people

[@wowf0rl1f3]

@@Lerkero burnt greezler's official cereal Bert-reet O's

[@LukeH930]

@@Lerkero all part of a balanced Bertfast.

[@Nice-wizard]

Brent wearing a sandwich hat saying his head gained weight is pretty spot on

[@arnoldhernandez1910]

A sandwich in his hat* I legit thought he had a sandwich baggie on his head.

[@declankane3749]

dude his name is Bert Krishner, get it right

[@arnoldhernandez1910]

@@declankane3749 who?

[@arnoldhernandez1910]

@@declankane3749 lmaoooo

[@michaelvilimek2914]

Georgias future boyfriend- “ Nice to meet you Brent, you’re like the Mechanic or something right?”

[@giuliaiglesias5018]

First time meeting Georgia's dad: "So.....I understand you are the machine"

[@colin8570]

Bert celebrates finding the belongings he lost in a blackout by having a drink… there’s really no better definition for “alcoholism”

[@RealmDesigner]

He's just living the bit.

[@Baldric1600]

Pfft.

[@marlakaba2222]

1:28:50

[@wsf699]

Loving these podcasts filmed in the Kmart change rooms.

[@jeffreycarr86]

Hahahahahahahahha

[@whitesneeks4499]

RIP Kmart

[@Josuvious]

Hahahahahahaha

[@beardedchair3]

Back gloryhole room is where this is filmed 😂

[@CSpad]

@@whitesneeks4499 I hear ya... I loved k mart. Now gotta go to a wal mart...

[@montrealthis]

This podcast should be rebranded as Bert's therapy sessions.

[@LukeH930]

Imagine if Tom just started bringing Drew to every episode. Bruce would be so pissed 😂

[@rogerwilco1777]

What are you talking about? Bret is perfect and has no issues what-so-ever

[@GathererThompson]

Bret Kreshler: "Just lay off before you have trouble exercising." Also Brad Kristmas: "I'm having trouble exercising lately."

[@jeffysoule2076]

Hahaha, I thought the same thing!!

[@SenorbryanA]

Brad Kristmas lmao😂😂

[@kristigrant4147]

We need a side-by-side at all times! Tom's expressions while Bert explained being in his bedroom were so funny!

[@djrt8179]

I can't believe it's been like 11 months since Tom destroyed his arm.. Absolutely flew by.

[@mcr5645]

Damn, you think he'll be a cripple forever?

[@donaldorizzo.9952]

Agreed. Bert messing up his own arm to fit in flew by too

[@adamnunn4214]

@@mcr5645 Qa1

[@vitamind2387]

@Matt don’t try so hard

[@nickniehaus1763]

@@donaldorizzo.9952 I didn’t even know!

[@boldbileg]

11:16 Tom's looks to the camera are Office-level funny.

[@efrenvelasquez5496]

It says it all, “you heard that right…….. little celebration one in the kitchen one in the car”

[@evanodaniel8666]

Literally reminds me of Jim looking to the cameras in each episode 😂

[@dickhammerbush172]

"Cracked a beer in your kitchen" 😐

[@gmunz360]

The reason I watch this pod instead of just listening on Spotify

[@prettycoolguy2850]

So what you're saying is it isn't funny at all?

[@superdoopercooper1962]

I’m listening to Bert describe soup and thinking it’s an original idea and i had to pull over from laughing 😂😂

[@Luke77713]

1:16:40 I'm dying at how Bert starts physically shaking at the thought of having a salad for dinner

[@charlesrichter2594]

Bart claims that hes not an alcoholic solely based on the fact that he runs on a treadmill once in a while lmaooo

[@HisHowliness]

While drinking a bottle of wine

[@evfields24]

Imagine how fast he’ll go downhill when his knees go out lol

[@jbrand513]

@@HisHowliness Yeah sure, but, it’s Fitwine so…..

[@chetjump5744]

Most alcoholics also aren’t squeezing in a gallon of koolaid too though 🤣

[@anthonyzullo]

Im alcoholic, trust me. For like a decade now. I always find solace in my alcoholism when bruce talks about it. Im always like "GOT DAMN! THIS GUYS A DRUNK!" "At least im not Bruce chrysler bad alcoholism!" Sip malt liqour from a thermus* Idc about the spelling, im day drinking bish!

[@thoz1guyz]

Actual certified chef here, you're going to want to work with a chef who is a food scientist. They will understand the chemistry involved in how to achieve what Bert wants with the cereal idea. Also, your cereal could be 2 Sugar Bears, 1 Bowl.

[@kristiskinner8542]

Dont encourage him lol

[@justinloranger3921]

2 Bears 1 Bowl

[@FrostyJokerr]

I was thinking Mythical Chef Josh, he’s not a food chemist, but he seems to understand the basics from what I understand.

[@justinburgos2927]

Are there savory meals served cold?

[@metalheadFTW123]

Nathan myhrvold has a book on thiS

[@SethTheArtist]

Watching Tom need to be somewhere and Bert keep stalling and talking was priceless to watch, it perfectly sums them up

[@bairstoww]

Bert's 'savory breakfast cereal' just sounds like a roundabout way for him to eat dog snacks, and he's trying to hide it.

[@victormaniaci2104]

I'd definitely try some Mac and cheese cereal, or pizza flavor.

[@joelsmith5938]

Haha, that’ll be the next pod. Tom is gonna lose it and finally call for an intervention-after laughing for 3 minutes straight.

[@-Bert-]

Tom should probably be worried about how deep he and Christina sleep that Brett was able to go on 2 adventures while talking to them in their own house without them realizing.

[@4CFilms]

I thought the same thing!

[@GrannyGumJob317]

They openly joke about smashing Xans before bed so it makes sense they’re absolutely comatose when they sleep

[@TimTrOn3000]

Xanax is a hell of a drug

[@killhall021]

Also they probably should change the locks on the garage and the door to their house

[@haveagreatday9865]

@@killhall021 still ain’t keeping a drunk Bert out

[@amirmaurer8408]

Bruce really has a talent for finding the most unhealthy version of an otherwise healthy activity and running with it

[@JustWhyFFS]

Literally, when you take into account his "bottle of wine on the treadmill" marathons.

[@TonyisToking]

@@JustWhyFFS Idk. I must be the same as Bert, because it sounds like a good idea to me! I mean, Roman warriors would drink a bottle of wine a day, right? And they marched like mad men! I mean wine is literally just what naturally occurs. Considering all fruit does ferment and naturally has ethanol within it. Bananas when fully ripe are near the ABV of Beers.

[@Haidderispro]

@@TonyisToking yea that’s not the cause of him being overweight it’s the rest of his calorie in take. Because he’s actually pretty active he just eats too much

[@Ryan_Carder]

Drinking multiple bottles of wine and running for miles on a treadmill.

[@TimTrOn3000]

@@royalgilpin4922 it would work way worse antiseptically if it was watered down. Also wine is not a very strong antiseptic, so watered down wine would work even less...... the reason wine, meads and beer were popular is because it cleaned the water and you couldn't get sick like you can from dirty water. Makes it disinfectant but not antiseptic.

[@rorypinsky7460]

Bert not realizing that he acquired mugsy jeans because they already sponsored him was incredible 😂

[@diaz6884]

14:39 possibly my favorite podcast moment next to when Bert fell out of the chair

[@xisthestart1661]

Bert leaving toms house after finding his wallet is the most bert shit i've ever heard

[@bryanallen261]

Brett looks like the “Frat dad” that still goes fishing and pounds beers with da boys

[@hhcdfhngdzjjbf579]

BRO if he had two sons, instead of two daughters, he would 100% hang out and party with their friends 😂😂

[@tacoma87x]

Santa during the summer.

[@angelaseymour4464]

@@tacoma87x alcoholic Santa during summer

[@supafun33]

Nadav: "You're going to eat a nice salad with balsamic dressing." Bert (visibly shaking): "Then you have to eat rocks!"

[@ed2706]

The guys laughing in the background are basically burts demons laughing when he says something bad

[@jackf6996]

Idk why but spelling Bert as Burt is too funny for me

[@saullandiof5768]

that one dude laughing in the background is so annoying, I think he's trying to be loud enough to be heard on the recording

[@macq1]

You can see how Bert dies a little as Tom is telling him how he eats..

[@garrettwootton8215]

“I’ll get drunk and eat cheeseburgers in the shower” -Bruce Kersher

[@gogoguppi]

Gotta love Bert focusing on the water as part of Tom’s strategy and not the dozen other healthy lifestyle choices

[@kennyrgb2700]

There's a reason why tom looks good and bert looks like hes dying

[@mikaylajones392]

he said “well i already drink a lot might as well make some water”

[@rogerwilco1777]

It would be hilarious if Burt chugging a gallon of water is what finally does him in

[@jamesjustice8711]

You mean Bret?

[@itsameyaboi]

I can already picture the savory, salty-sweet cereal Bert makes: Dry chunks of Marmite with coconut milk

[@rustyshackleford8357]

The echo laughing is really intense and terrifying, I kinda like it

[@mcr5645]

Tom is absolutely glassin' it with that weight-loss... He needs to come clean and encourage Bert by explaining it in 4 strokes.

[@vloppysagina]

You can't explain something you don't understand. Love Tom, but do you notice how he fumbles heavily when trying to explain anything in regards to what he does? He has a trainer and a nutritionist so he doesn't have to think about it, and with his money, I'd do the same.

[@kristiskinner8542]

@@vloppysagina 🙄

[@TimTrOn3000]

Don't have to know an engine works to drive a car.

[@andrewbrandmusic1971]

The horror on Tom’s face as he hears about Bert coming into his room multiple times, is absolutely hilarious 😂

[@SSKPG]

Tom trying to tell a story where he was scared being accused as being a racist and the Bert comes in “ if you saw him in a rap video could you recognize him?” 😂😂😂

[@Atomic-Dawg]

I like how Tom danced around revealing where he was shopping.

[@wetcrumb2191]

After he has a bit on a hugely successful stand up special where he profusely shits all over Nike. Lol

[@andyr7267]

A place where they sell designer jackets. A department store or something.

[@brendonhutton1011]

He was at the rick owens store

[@j3badger1]

Can we all just appreciate the pure talent Tom has within these real time conversation to pull out the ridiculousness of Barts existence? Tom will take what seems to be a benign conversational starter, and as the conversation progresses, you realize it was all a plan to hold up Barts life to the world and say "See what he is? Isn't this INSANE?!" Pure ball busting genius.

[@will-i-am386]

That's a stretch anyone can get Bart to share everything it doesn't take genius

[@djhart25]

"How's your drinking been?"

[@ShortCircuit1987]

The way Bert’s face shakes and twitches when Nadav says no Salmon, Bert has to eat a salad with Balsamic, priceless!

[@Pladderkasse]

I can literally see Tom thinking: "Holy shit, I will have to do an actual AA intervention on this guy at some point, raging denial, shouting, tears, the awkward quiet drive to the clinic..."

[@TimTrOn3000]

Anyone who thinks Bert is an alcoholic doesn't know what a true alcoholic is.

[@magsthebeast6900]

Yeah, I agree with the last comment, I’ve seen some real alcoholics. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a problem but his problem isn’t coming before his family and responsibilities, it isn’t detrimental to his life other than the damage it’s doing to his body. Honestly if he had an actual health problem where he had to stop I feel like he probably could, not that he would be happy about it.

[@althenya]

the replies to this comment sound like people with a drinking problem trying to convince themselves that they're also fine. "So long as it doesn't interfere with your family and life"....so when he's dead at 50, 60 + (which is still young btw his kids might just be starting a family, grandchildren etc.) from cirrhosis or cancer because of it I guess his family will say "well he put us first and he was always there." SO that makes it ok? He probably wants to live long enough to see his kids get out of Highschool so he's got to smarten up soon. He's not getting any younger.

[@internetshaquille]

the cereal is unironically a good idea.

[@johhnnn]

I wash my dishes because of you Shaq 😘

[@jonathancanny3034]

I believe its called yellow curry

[@joaquin5028]

The absolut 🐐. You made me take cooking seriously

[@jctsea]

2 Bears Buffalo Grits.

[@dakotahawks6784]

Isn't he just describing curry?

[@adamkavanagh1344]

This podcast is just Bert trying to convince himself and Tom that he doesn't have alcoholism.

[@patrickmills4217]

That's every episode 🤣

[@Joebatters357]

It’s starting to get sad honestly. He has a problem no matter what he says

[@patrickmills4217]

He makes a living so I ain't mad at him.

[@adamkavanagh1344]

@@patrickmills4217 literally 🤣

[@dyland597]

the worst thing is he actually believes in his mind that his good/fine/sober most the time....... cleeeeeearly not albert

[@davidokk4502]

Everytime I see Bert is alive it give me hope

[@GPard970]

@1:13:17 two two two two twenty cracks me up so much. I love when Bert stumbles over his words and Tom mocks him

[@ddt4u2]

" And Ari's , Ari's has drugs hidden in it " I almost threw up laughing at that one .

[@garrettbrainis]

Poor Burnt looks like he’s going through pledgeship.

[@nickniehaus1763]

He looks pretty damn great for our pledgeship

[@wantedki11a135]

1:06:16 nadav is probs my favorite studio dude out of all the podcasts i've ever listened to. made me laugh pretty hard on this one especially with burnt saying how its the hardest hes heard him laugh

[@captsmellypants1897]

Bert, congratulations on only interrupting Tom five times during his jacket story. We know you wanted to completely hijack the story and make it all about yourself. You actually allowed Tom to finish the story . We're so very proud of you.

[@goodscharlotte]

Joe Rogan's cereal tastes like grains & rocks 🤣😂 Ari's is full of drugs but has 25% less than everyone else's. 😂 I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe! 💀💀💀

[@josetadeo4649]

Bert's shadow account

[@swoosh6085]

Bart should shave and show the world his true girth.

[@Zelse357]

legit peed a little whilst listening. Phenomenal remark

[@ghouliejams]

the advertising saying "you'll shit hair and blood!" SWEET!!😂

[@emiliemoss9386]

I love how Bert was about to say "so you feel like you're getting 'Jewed'" but stopped himself and said "Ripped Off" instead, that's hilarious.

[@bigjoe119]

Bart is making Tim look thinner every episode.

[@evilhomer]

That's a pretty low bar.

[@bigjoe119]

@@evilhomer 😂😂😂

[@kennethsimonsen7998]

"Cuban sandwich covered in milk" got me good

[@jarenramos123456]

Burt is explaining the true definition of Florida man😂💪🤙🤙

[@Larissaispumped1]

Bert: trying to convince everyone what differentiates him from other functioning alcoholics Tom: 🙃

[@superstock101]

That wallet story is just pure alcoholism 😂😂

[@angelaseymour4464]

And the fact that he’s creeping around Tom’s BEDROOM WHILE HE AND HIS WIFE ARE ASLEEP adds just pure addiction factor.

[@shadbakht]

If Bert didn't drink he'd be Dwayne the Rock Johnson!! Can you imagine what crazier level of accomplishments and capacity he'd have? If booze is dumbing him down to THIS amazing level, imagine WITHOUT the booze!!!

[@dexraikkonen7]

"We do the savoury cereal with comics"; -Lyle: O'right mate, I'm listening..

[@scarymsmary]

Hear him out. Hear him out.

[@samloudy845]

Damn Brent I’m impressed! Going from 265-365 in 6 months is hard to do! ✊

[@bigloudandnoisy3601]

It looks like someone just splashed cold water on Bart after a alcoholic coma and stood him up in the chair

[@neuvisean1739]

Laughed too hard at this

[@minnesotahospitality7242]

Me too

[@ManateeMentality]

47:54 Tom's deadpan "I was gonna talk about something else but go ahead." made me burst out laughing. Also 49:38.

[@riceydoeslife1229]

Tom just feels violated lol, bert in his room while asleep and drinking his beers n shit.. got to love it

[@mitchg5809]

I love how uncomfortable Tom gets when Bert starts the racial breakdown of the guy being a rapper lol

[@macknickelson4866]

Burts cereal: it's just teriyaki chicken and rice soaked in milk.

[@arnoldhernandez1910]

It’s just brisket in a bowl full of Jack.

[@J.D.Hardesty]

"I like to do it allll at once" Yes, that's exactly why you can't implement lasting change.

[@Sweed87]

Imagine when Bert realize that his life is not a bit and finally understands that people weren’t joking about that he has a problem with alcohol.

[@migzydrift]

“I just need a little bit of space.” Bert’s gonna die. 🤦🏻‍♂️

[@itscodyman2075]

#sadfacts

[@itsjohnnyutahmusic]

Tom's face when Bert sniffs his fingers. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@welshboy98]

Bert: I only drink when I have free time. 10 minutes later Bert: I'm easing up on my stand up.

[@dark8eyed8kid]

I think Berts cereal idea is basically any number of many japanese breakfast ideas.

[@bigpete990]

Comics kill when they're doing good... Call it Cereal Killers, Tom would love it

[@TheMisterMonkeyman]

Well done. Peace.

[@jasonrumfelt2990]

Also need a Bert “The Device” Kriescher shirt ASAP

[@lilprix2990]

Intro had me ugly cry laughing 🤣🤣

[@TheCaptDude]

Tom and Brent are such an awesome duo!

[@mannymestrada]

A SECRET SHOPPER in the retail world… …a third person working on behalf of corporations to make sure their employees are doing their best customer service.

[@jcims]

For us it was competition coming in to get prices.

[@MegaFlorest]

Some places have them to stop shoplifters. I've seen several confrontations at Target.

[@CollinThomasEverett]

"Ari's cereal has drugs hidden inside" had me dyyying lmaooo

[@oaklandtony3306]

The 25% less.

[@kikib8434]

Tom "it's light-jacket season, I'm a comedian" Segura 😂😂😂.

[@JillyBeanThreDneThat]

I friggen LOVE Bert and Tom. These guys are hysterical!!!!!

[@KurtBob]

The posting of this on Monday mornings is a huge help mentally. Great move. I still hate Nadav for the YMH clips outtros being always too fucking loud. But overall this free content is worth the money.

[@deepthought1987]

I finally found a pod that releases episodes on Sunday 🙏🙏🙏

[@sergeyklapnischov4767]

Listen to a kill Tony opening and you will never bitch about nadsdavs sound levels again

[@scubaseppy]

The time they release this is perfect.

[@asfdjayfdu2749632947]

Bro I’m so grateful for this duo. So many laughs to be had.

[@jacoblaffoon6485]

Bert: “I have low self esteem.” Also Bert: “now let me tell you how great I am for an hour”. Lol

[@deemedmfg]

Burnt casually talking about being scared of a Black cat right after discussing Talib Kweli. Nice one, Native.

[@ectomorph_7]

Burnt 😂

[@spartymatt9627]

Imagine someone signing up for BetterHelp and ending up with Bart on the other line: "I'm really struggling with the trauma from my childhood and the relationship with my fathe....." "OH OH that reminds me! The other day I was thinking about buying a new car for my dad, and LeeAnn was a super buzzkill and was like, '(southern accent) ehhhh that's not fiscally responsible!' She's a real bitch sometimes."

[@matthewsimone2235]

The best is going into the room 3 times and nothing from either of them! I’m gonna die laughing!

[@mudkipperr2512]

I want to see Bert talk to a chef about his cereal

[@no_nosestill_close8010]

Tim get the $150k watch for Brett’s bday and watch him open in and realize he has to spend close to $200k for yours! 😂

[@franciscogonzalez446]

Tom realizing that somebody could Robb him blind in the middle of the night and he wouldn’t know until he woke up lmao 🤣

[@danielford9136]

Tom looking at the camera is funny every single time.

[@the7thmagazine]

Honestly, it's d laughter in d background for me 😭😹

[@dougiemac164]

Tom looks like Bert if he got sober and took a shower

[@arnoldhernandez1910]

🤣😂

[@breadman-oc2lx]

This high tech set is great. Being able to hear Nadav bust up , adds a whole new dimension to it.

[@Chukijay]

Bart Goodyear doesn’t need a break, he needs to go to rehab.

[@FERAL_ENTITY]

50:16 bruh just called a brain freeze a “cold headache”

[@UAE1speed]

Bill burr : drinking makes your head bigger Bert : i think my head is gaining weight

[@fatdave124]

This is the smelliest Bart has looked in a while

[@inappropriatern8060]

There'll be flies by November. They're usually the first to know.

[@mickeysquintz9650]

I fux with it!

[@probablynot879]

I can smell the chlorine from across the Atlantic

[@E7FiretrUCK]

Agreed

[@jasonwinterton9369]

So smelly His jeans are definitely low and loose

[@dushiemcbag]

Big thank you to the crew for putting this show together, consistently entertaining.

[@bertbarzola551]

How pissed tom got when bert is looking through his calendar is amazing 😂

[@Horsediqdotmpeg]

Did Burt just pitch reinventing cereal as comic branded soups?

[@MrCarlos31188]

Comic soups would be awesome

[@Horsediqdotmpeg]

@@MrCarlos31188 Brent Krishna’s Chunky Vodka and Kids Leftovers

[@huk-uf7ut]

I guess studio lighting was doing wonders for Burnt. Looks like he’s seconds away from death. Ever since they moved to ennys Dungeon

[@TwistedHunt]

I was thinking the same. Burnt is looking ruuuuff lately

[@clintonleonard5187]

I never understand these comments. What's different about him? He looks the same to me. He's always been an alcoholic.

[@huk-uf7ut]

@@clintonleonard5187 you don’t notice the HUGE weight gain in his skull the puffy eyes the ever growing gut the redness to his cheeks it’s all just getting bad. And I hope he gets help.

[@killerguitarguy]

To be honest I love Bert. He can live his life however he wants.

[@FernandoGonzalez-fw7qh]

Bert’s sober ideas (like the cereal one) is the same as everyone on a coke bender at 3 am coming up with business ideas