Ep. 106 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Today is a very special episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer recorded out of G-Bay Studios! We try to find the origin of Bert getting fat, figure out how many times Bert dumped in his pants, and gaslighting. The bears then talk about the whole situation revolving around the new Dave Chappelle special, Hannah Gadsby, and Netflix. Bert has the epiphany that he should be dressing privately on the road, which turns into a whole thing.
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[@adambarkham6116]

Bert: "omg that's exactly what I weigh now!" Turns into seagull

[@vinnyvin607]

15:38 The seagull noises had me dying lmao

[@da9el1]

😄

[@angelgjr1999]

That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in months! My sides hurt

[@imemberberry]

Reminded me more of a chimp laughing. Maybe it was the throwing up of the hands and rolling back. 15:25

[@Questioneverythingx]

I can’t un hear this haha

[@ejcrafton84]

Bert is either a genuine acting genius or in need of a conservatorship.

[@logancole5267]

Listening to him read ads would lead me to believe the latter is the answer

[@KikeHernandezsMustache]

@Loroxe that’s the problem

[@colina1330]

Well, he does think he would thrive under a conservatorship.

[@jackclarke8691]

the latter

[@goodday2139]

I love him but he legit has so many narcissistic tendencies it's insane. His perception of himself is so far from reality it's crazy

[@coreytapp6238]

Bert telling people “how to eat like a grown up” while he still sits his pants on a regular basis is hilarious

[@LpJunior537]

Don't forget bathes in pools and drank gallons of Kool aid.

[@krollgrend1888]

You working on your standup? This joke is bad. The more than one hundred people who like it should feel bad for liking it. Hes teaching people how to use Cutlery. Not teaching someone how to eat. IBS and drinking make you shit yourself. Not using a fork and knife properly. Better luck in next weeks comment section. Try to get here early. You might get a few likes on your next one.

[@Tojoblindeye]

@@krollgrend1888 lol then you probably shouldn't drink... The fuck... If I'm shitting myself constantly, I'm not drinking. Calm down Bret.

[@cpresto2]

@@krollgrend1888 I just liked his comment. I would go to his stand-up show.

[@ryanbowen9718]

@@krollgrend1888 bro r u good

[@raisingradicals5564]

Bert accusing Tom of "revisionist history" immediately before realizing he weighed the exact same as before, is the most Bernt thing of all time 😂😂😂

[@VideoNozoki]

10 years later and Bert weighs EXACTLY what he also weighs RIGHT NOW / THEN.

[@variaxi935]

Butt Kreamer is absolutely insane. A huuundred percent

[@megyskermike]

Sometimes I think it's part of his shtick, but most of the time it's obvious how pickled his brain has become from booze.

[@ZChoate]

Bert does not weigh 255 now lmao

[@jgarza1111]

@@ZChoate he looks closer to 265-270

[@uscrbc]

Remember, Bart is also the guy who has said on numerous occasions that he “never drinks onstage”. Lol

[@hollowice999]

He also reports that he has been sober for 16 days. But not 16 consecutive days, because only crazy people can go more than two weeks without drinking. Alcoholics Anonymous is for chumps because they are sober for a duration.

[@grahamwalden2867]

Also how he "didn't drink during the pandemic"... it was just wine. And a couple titos.

[@adroo88]

When I saw him in Indy he was absolutely hammered and it was the first show lol

[@lilyannrose]

Most women definitely don’t go commando, you’ll ruin your pants with discharge. Also, Bert’s probably been seeing period stains in women’s underwear. Blood doesn’t stain red lmao

[@Goldenspiderducck]

Hey, cut him some slack! He only has TWO nearly grown daughters. Why would he know anything about women??

[@rachelsl00]

Came to say this. Oh Bruce. That wasnt shit lmao. But also I cant say Id be surprised if Berts past gfs did have skid marks. Lmao just his vibe

[@alexcoyg3281]

Dishonorable discharge

[@littlenino88]

@@alexcoyg3281 Stolen valor?

[@alexcoyg3281]

@@littlenino88 that too✊

[@jpjapers]

Tom: "I get alot of messages about it" Bert: "About you being fat?" Tom: "No."

[@mrs.h2725]

🤣💀

[@jtdrmmr]

Bert: Maybe I'm Autistic? Tom: Makes the face

[@jonatanmalm4382]

-Bert: "Let me teach you how to be an adult" Also Bert: "Yes i eat this way because it makes me feel like a pirate"

[@Retalin_]

The way Tom's eyes always Iight up at the mention of murder...

[@squidfield6629]

😂😂😂😂

[@inspectorconscious2388]

I low-key think he IS an actual psychopath. 🤣🤣

[@EVAASIVEOne]

Yours dont too?

[@vloppysagina]

@@inspectorconscious2388 Eh, moreso leaning into the character that has been created around that idea. As Bert said early on in the pod, Tom is a propaganda god, and there's no doubt about that. With the inability to talk a ton in his own show (not by choice, look at who he does this podcast with) he is able to create a mystique and play into things that make other people go, "WHAT." He's low energy, so it all fits. It's a good tactic.

[@oddynuff666]

fun fact if you skip to any point in this podcast bret is talking

[@ChichiNaka]

I skipped 7 times and he was squealing everytime

[@lukeut8680]

90% Brent 10% ad read

[@PickleRick849]

This should be pinned....

[@EVAASIVEOne]

Chase dude, Ive noticed this and always laughed about it. Thank you for telling the people

[@digitalsalsas]

Fun fact if you skip to any comment on this show , cool guys are saying the same thing every week about Barth

[@Dylan-gs9sm]

The Bert screeching laughter is the worst

[@iFish12]

It’s great the Bert has such a forgiving friend

[@Jaypac1109]

His wife having a phone is a "privilege " 🤣 I fuckin love it!!!!!

[@rabblerabble18]

The guy that has been drunk for more than half of his adult life thinks he has a good memory

[@mrchewbacahimself7807]

boxers hanging out of your shorts was the style for a few years when i was a kid

[@Decimaster321]

"I tell random people in restaurants how to hold their silverware" "I'm not a ball buster"

[@EwokPanda]

Sometimes I miss going to the beach, so I just put Brent's laugh on loop.

[@Scagtatious]

Yoooo … Beet walked in here choosing ANGER!!! 😂😂😂

[@TRKTKO]

Let's watch Bert struggle for an hour lol

[@geraltsjaskier]

15:26 his laugh gets me everytime 😂😂

[@timtopscher4000]

You two are both awesome comedians and I love your stuff. Your podcast is awsome, this one really means alot to me as a small business owner and having a child. It's hard to shut that switch off and be in the moment, thank you guys for your honesty. Keep up the good work.

[@TheSydrek]

Bert feeling guilty when spending time with his kids, but not when he's out partying pre and post show.... ? Yeah seems like him feeling guilty isn't about "how he should be making money"...

[@stephanietaylor6248]

Compilation of Burt messing up reads please. Can we make that happen 😂😂

[@rob_zombieJr]

Bert says why am I crazy though? Next sentence so one time when I s*** my pants hahahahahahaha 😂😂😂😂😂

[@coreymcnally60]

Burt enforcing manners and etiquette 🤣🤣🤣 define irony!

[@elusion23one41]

Bert is the angry drunk version of himself in this one. Only after beers does he cool down.

[@gshell2520]

"I refuse to accept your apology " 🤣

[@riproora9966]

Bobby Lee and Bert should bump baby lumps🤣

[@stephenkolman5727]

Tim has somehow found a way for Bart to gain the weight he loses.

[@squidfield6629]

Lmao

[@kanifalam7835]

I uhh hundred percent trust Thomas's memory over Blurt's

[@Osiris3]

Tom and bert at 1:09:01 is why I watch this show...the laugh in the background is epic

[@jakeb7207]

Bert "Let me show you how to be a grown up".... "hold my kool-aid"

[@mikeomgwtf]

Bert's the Fork and Knife Champ. Checks out

[@ZChoate]

Tom acting like he's never seen shit on women's underwear. Yet, Christine is notoriously an infinity wiper. 🤔

[@squidfield6629]

She’s not a quitter

[@CountDoucheula]

If you honestly think that either one of them have done laundry in ten years, you're more tokked than Burnt. They clearly hire some dumpy, middle-aged, abuela type.

[@ZChoate]

@@CountDoucheula thanks count doucheula

[@-Bert-]

Bret: “Why am I a crazy person” ……. Brock’s next sentence: I shit my pants a lot, like A LOT. Gee Bruce I guess the world may never know

[@danielvalenzuela2748]

Bert’s crazy drunkenness is increasing each year like goku’s supersayin powers

[@adambarboza747]

Bert says he became what he wanted to be, that’s something to be proud of.

[@johncreevy8496]

Recent fan, I’m hooked. Can’t get enough!!!

[@sly-1429]

Bert is the Ruler of the World of Denial.

[@solacita]

production team: point of personal priveledge. bouncing between the two closeups without much zoom out has a sea sick vibe

[@zgiW]

**waves hands**

[@BoopieNoodle]

Lol agreed and the best way to say that 😂

[@exclusivgiraffe8359]

bad friends are naked in a tub and bert is trashed... wild week we got here boys 😂😂

[@saggymarker]

We need a Bert reading compilation

[@jake032597]

This episode felt like my two dads arguing while I'm hiding in my room at points

[@asianostrich6882]

That intro killed me😂😂😂😂

[@wendysh7357]

This is the best episode of this show by far. Amazed.

[@swampthing6921]

Bert definitely refers to his bus as his trailer

[@jenniferhunter9691]

2 Bears: 1 Cave-Brought to you by coke. Just straight up coke.

[@VinnyCarter]

this episode is the most chaotic bert I think we've had. and I love it

[@dollardollardoyle]

Honestly i think this podcast gets better by the weekend. It's quite easily the funniest on the internet

[@ShaneNew78]

Tom's side eye after comments is the best.

[@scottyp7056]

Dude I can’t fucking wait to see berts gift!

[@laurenclark1304]

SAME!

[@adamdrakestudio]

That's why I'm here

[@clover2328]

Bert not being present in the moment with his daughters is the reason they wouldn’t have an emotional reaction to his home coming, just like he’d likely have other things on his mind than immediately spending time with them, they’ll know that.

[@griffinmarek1806]

Berts laugh was turning into an exotic bird

[@remcd_85]

Fantastic episode. Burt Krystals had me smh laughing.

[@JDCypr3ss]

I really can't believe for a second that Burt never fat shamed Tom

[@Walklikelions]

I love the few times Bert has a real encounter with reality. Hes so delusional and out of it simple things like him weighing 300lbs hes oblivious about.

[@smayly1000]

Brat struggling to get trough the adds is one of my favorite things now

[@babaloo90210]

I wasn’t watching the video when Bert started laughing about being the same weight and for a very brief moment I thought they were watching a video of a parrot or something. Should’ve known it was Bert’s squawky laugh😂

[@dvandy9961]

Good to hear Bird Kriescher make an appearance

[@rudymcrudy964]

This podcast needs to be twice a week, 1 each week is not enough.

[@WakandaSmurf]

🤣🤣 This is a prime example of why wives aren’t forced to testify against their husbands

[@mads4724]

I like that I can hear Nadavs laugh even better

[@johnsmith-si8ee]

Two bears one cave is literally just the story, "of mice and men" where Bert is Lennie and Tom is George

[@jessehenley6415]

I'm taking a week off drinking because of the beginning of this EP Jesus Christ Bert 🤣🤣🤣

[@MrJayOkane]

"Interesting" LMFAO

[@clubemcgroober6005]

“I dont think it’s crazy” -every single psychopath

[@miikeyg123]

this is how you MAKE "CRAZY PEOPLE" i"m dead hahahahaha from one alcoholic to another xxx

[@richeeezgaming6929]

If a man that looked like Brent walked up to me and tried to tell me how to eat my food I would be soooo pissed 😂😂

[@chrisv9000]

Why are people not celebrating Bert actually showering in a shower?

[@Quayleman]

Bert confusing shit with blood 😆

[@Monkeyfound]

"señior kid'ner apper" Bert's hiding he's been learning Frengonese

[@katielifka5074]

Bert you should teach cotillion / etiquette courses for young men & women!

[@xLETHALxEXODUSx]

Chappelle's new special is a great example that rousing political discussion is more profitable for comedians than just being funny.

[@petercarlson5261]

It's amazing Paddy has a job. He spends 5 minutes looking for Michelle's comment and comes in reading Hannah's original caption. Jesus man.

[@ricog2343]

Episode 416 of YMH Intro, Bert is fat intro is amazing lol, just in case anyone wants a blast from the past

[@graemescott1436]

Burnt: “do I have to put on a show”

[@cloud2537]

"I don't bust balls" "I wish Nadav had ten fingers" "Man's doesn't undress in front of us like a homophobe"

[@YmakAname]

Ep 3 of Bertcast is 40% Bert and Ari fat shaming Tom

[@nicktokar4929]

by far the best episode so far lmao

[@Nate-ny8lz]

Manic Bert makes an appearance 🤣

[@goodbuddy316]

This has been an HR nightmare for Burnt’s team!

[@HeyImBrim]

Another hour of Bret constantly talking. Can’t wait to play this in the background and not listen.

[@YousAHunter]

this belongs in the library of congress

[@texas11outlaw]

I wouldn’t describe Dave Chappelle and Hannah Gatsby as two comics sparring……..

[@mandihollingsworth182]

Bert it's all good bro. Quit worrying. Tom y'all are hilarious 🤣. The 2of you bounce back and fourth and it's sooooooo fucking hilarious 🤣 much love. Happy Holidays

[@FluffyScissors]

I wonder if Bart has ever taught someone to use their knife and fork while there’s shit in his pants

[@mandihollingsworth182]

I love the 2of you. I ALWAYS look forward to y'alls podcast. Keep it up. Y'all cheer me up. God knows I need it. 😭Family death n such this past couple of years has really made me super depressed. But I watch y'all,and I am always cheered up after watching y'all.🤣😂 Bottom line,I love and admire both of you. Y'all's humor matches my husband and me.

[@armaliteslungsentinal7352]

Bert’s actually not lying I feel. He even said he didn’t think he was fat till they started telling him shiy

[@Cope4444]

Brent: "I got fat solely because you TRICKED ME!" *immediately pounds a beer*

[@RedZedHeadTV]

killed a 750 ml beer

[@Kzds4909]

It's golden

[@Jays1fan1]

"I showered on the tour bus" I didn't know Brent's tour bus had a pool? That is crazy.

[@JSorb]

“Hey Nadav, google pictures of young boys in boxers” - Brant

[@senshi187]

I was so expecting a follow-up to that from Tom

[@ENigma-um8zw]

Lol my word right. Reminded me of “Computer load up Celery Man for me please…”-Paul Rudd from T&E Awesome Show

[@bigmiguel80]

Who says that lmao...your name 😂😂😂

[@osloconfidental1807]

😂😂😂

[@Tplantsurvivor17]

Tom almost said something.... I was waiting for the NO NO NO NO 🤣🔥

[@tannerymj]

This show is like watching a never ending episode of intervention, but the intervention never happens, we just keep following the addict around, to be continued next time. I hope they make a special 2 bears for the actual intervention.

[@killerluuk]

Bert: I think I live in a world of denial Tom: Almost chokes on his water

[@idontneednoritalin]

who's bert

[@Dianasviews]

I choked on MY water 💧🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Robmancan1987]

Bert: I teach people proper fork and knife etiquette. Tom: Then you wipe your butt bare handed? Bert: Yep.

[@beezo1764]

Well fuck!...Who's Tim?🤔

[@kristigrant4147]

100%

[@benjaminmann8028]

The irony of Bert teaching strangers table manners is staggering.

[@VideoNozoki]

You mean _this_ Bert (mr manners): kzbin.info/www/bejne/ap2cfqptqtytq6M ("Somethings Burning w/ Bill Burr & Tom Segura)

[@pigidly]

When 5 min earlier he didn’t know how many time he shit his pants

[@dnward1985]

@@pigidly and rips a massive burp into the mic hahahaha

[@finnianmcpherson3467]

He legit said “let me teach you how to be an adult” 😂😂😂

[@bytchess]

Tom and Brett are like both sides of my brain when they talk to each other.

[@Pokerdude38]

Keep me out of this 🤣

[@jsprechs7847]

Bert - "Why am I a lunatic?" Tom - "Wait, so your wife, therapist and Dr.Drew have all suggested medications?"

[@guyledouche6039]

Skip to 1:31 Skip ad read---> 20:25 Skip next ad read---> 37:57 Skip last ad read--> 59:14

[@davesnothere512]

Thx Guy!

[@guyledouche6039]

@@davesnothere512 you're welcome Dave!

[@Chillibe]

The hero we need, saves me from needing a therapist

[@L3onidas]

Thank you

[@guyledouche6039]

@@Chillibe lol Robert Paulson did have a therapist, sorta. Excellent choice of username. "His name was Robert Paulson"

[@dylanlongwell1826]

This podcast has regressed into Tom interviewing a rapidly unraveling Tok and I’m all for it 😂

[@anthonyzullo]

I lold, this is so accurate.

[@variaxi935]

A hundred percent

[@gshivs793]

Whats a Tok?

[@squidfield6629]

@@gshivs793 keep your pants high and tight G! I’m coming up in may

[@wetcrumb2191]

Best friends on the spectrum

[@penniewyatt9391]

I feel like Tom should be charging Burnt for the therapy.

[@kylesanders8276]

Burnt Chrysler needs all the help he can get