Ep. 110 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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It's another week of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer out of G-Bay studios! The bears start off with talking about what prison would be like and trade some Al Capone stories from Alcatraz. Bert then reveals how he'd make love with his night terrors when he was younger and Tom shows Bert some neat things on his Instagram. Bert continues to struggle with his recent coming out as fat and is debating if shaving his entire body would be a good motivation for weight loss. Bert runs a couple of scenarios involving having sex with people that are not their wives. Tom tells Bert about a recent show on a Saturday late show in Charlottesville that devolved into pandemonium and hanging out with Chris Long. Bert tries to figure out the guest list to his secret celebrity football dinner then tries to guess the colors of their eyes. They talk about the comedians they bring on the road and start discussing possible gimmicks that would work well for comics. Then, they circle back to the fat shaming argument and who is the actual delusional one and they face time with Pat McAfee.
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[@jacoblie]

I love how Tom can hear one of Bert's terrible ideas and so convincingly say "You know, that's not a bad idea"

[@chrisroyle4311]

All due to Toms mum being a dream crusher! 😂

[@killerluuk]

Hr knows its great content

[@nyar5863]

"You wanna do the dinner on a plane?"

[@chrisrose_krii_lun_aus]

Yeah, man has a podcast just listening to his friend ramble and talking him into shit. Segura is a genius.

[@charlesgrigson6436]

Most of his ideas are pretty horrible like the spicy breakfast cereal but this one actually makes sense. I bet he'd be more inclined to lose weight if he didn't have hair or a beard

[@sshuggi]

Sometimes I feel like Tom listening to Bert run through rapid-fire incomplete thoughts is like him watching his favorite pet dog be a complete goofball.

[@thijsfb]

The way he looks at him is exactly how people look at their dogs being goofballs, also the same way we've seen todd look at bitsy

[@jarnold1789]

Oh yeah haha a HUNDRED percent

[@Tehbom]

Brent just has the zoomies

[@ehnwall]

Reminds me a little of the balance between Ricky Gervais and Karl Pilkington

[@mr.goldfish7473]

@@ehnwall idiots being sometimes profound

[@cronizle]

Underrated line 40:01 Bert: "How do we, genetically, steal his genes." Tom: "It's gonna be tough..."

[@JOOLVAUR]

Loved that, lmao

[@tylerbarnes7929]

2 bears game: Randomly click on a time stamp and if Bert is talking, you lose. If Tom is talking, you win. PS : the game is unwinnable.

[@LennyC621]

Just tried it 8 times. 7 times Bert was talking, one time Tom was doing an ad read which I don't think counts.

[@kevint985]

It’s like parachuting from the edge of space on to king size matras 🤣

[@SkervyBoi]

I lost...

[@ozzier9483]

Bert being Racist for no Reason. I never cried so much in one episode.

[@xbmpr]

Honestly won 4 times in a row and was impressed but I can’t win anymore

[@StonkeyDomp]

Bert seems so confident since he came out of the pantry.

[@charlottem.1477]

This sounds much better than coming out of the Fridge. Lol

[@fostforward]

I'm enjoying these episodes of Bert Talks!

[@kamrondorf4707]

So annoying hahaha I wanna hear Tom's story.

[@digitalsalsas]

I like Bert and I like identifying special boys in the comments who wanna lick Ted scrum

[@borkchopp6329]

“Bert finishes a thought” Tom: “……so you haven’t had anything to drink today?”

[@itsferngully55]

9:20 is probably the most inspiring thing I've heard these two talk about. Truly amazing💜

[@jareddulack1]

Bert’s exhale at 1:20:56 sounded like my Saint Bernard

[@billy-flo]

I feel like Bert is actually really narcissistic in the nicest way possible. You can tell he’s never really listening or paying attention to anybody else but waiting for his next moment to talk.

[@999predators]

Bruce's ADD is at an all time high in this one.

[@stormbreak13]

Dude I was sleeping at 1:14:00 and legit woke up in a panic thinking my dogs were being attacked because of that Bert squeal

[@Pizzle745]

Burnt: "I'm about to sound like a lunatic!" ...and the award for most unnecessary disclaimer goes to...

[@dustinharvey5393]

Bert is an expert at derailing a perfectly good story

[@theeyeofday]

The laughter in the back is the only reason I wake up anymore

[@LukeT84]

Roaming around the map on GTA with two bears on is a Monday tradition for me.

[@HarryManback0]

Who the fuck has time to play a video game on a Monday, are you 15?

[@SwabLevy]

Wait till your old enough to drive a real car and listen to a podcast, it's amazing

[@BigPapiChi]

@@SwabLevy with these gas prices are you a fool lmao. GTA driving will do 😂

[@janpavel1441]

@@HarryManback0 Yeah why the hell aren't people wasting away in an Amazon warehouse on monday night?? The audacity! So juvenile!

[@SailorGreenTea]

1:27:47, jealous is fiercely protective and vigilant over people's rights or possessions.

[@g-ready1887]

That google search killed me lmao 🤣

[@jasonhosking8439]

When Tom raises his eyebrows. Magneto.

[@LivingOutloudWithAshleyStone]

Bert reminds me of an excited 5 year old trying to tell a story 🤣🤣🤣

[@bakerodge5445]

Another great episode of Bert Talks!

[@bleednate]

Prison weight loss challenge = a normal army training exercise in NTC or an overseas deployment. Works so well every time.

[@thenames_wolf8815]

At 1 hour 19 minutes, Bert projects his insecurities the hardest I've ever seen anyone do anything lol

[@XavierCastillo]

1:19:32 "You have teeth in your food" and the looks on their faces me made laugh so hard!!

[@bradleywarchol3910]

When I googled it and saw Tom's name popup on an article I laughed so hard it sounded like Bert's laugh

[@adamt.mercer4923]

Brent is extra Tok’d today. Great example of him when he attempts to skim a paragraph but he’s just saying whatever he already thought when the article is the exact opposite. You should do a segment of Bart reading a paragraph once and then Tom doing the same.

[@bone3254]

I heard Bert “I got me beers through a shot”

[@jeffblack6803]

I know what you’re laughing at. I absolutely know what you’re laughing at🤣🤣🤣

[@KayDazzle90]

Bert got to make me feel so special w my hazel eyes this ep 😂

[@brizzy86]

“Immunized.” Now that’s funny, Tim.

[@nintendoROX121]

Lmfao I feel like I've heard Brent come to the realization Tom has blue eyes like 3 times now

[@thomasambers9977]

This has just become let’s google what flew into Bert’s brain and Tom covering his face cuz he couldn’t get out one story about going to Chris longs house

[@acegaming8930]

What did u guys slip Bert? He’s on a thousand!! Usually a hundred but he is on another level

[@crushtheskull]

It sounded like Tom said "that is bobby" lol

[@atcnation2561]

Story teller you are Bert. Imagine Bill Cosby telling stories without a shirt. LMAO&PMP!

[@X3.X3]

*Bert's starting to look like Bam Margera*

[@johnnyboy53405]

Watching bert spiral 1 minute into tom story is 2 bears in a nutshell

[@KickassMcfly]

Does Bert actually know what a panic attack is?

[@Smiley-Coyote]

I think he does but he greatly exaggerates everything he says.

[@agfb4039]

Absolutely not

[@zachhall624]

Brunt Christian's string of thought and consciousness is truly anxiety inducing

[@mcr5645]

I really wanna see Tom randomly have his diaper changed mid-show by an older foreign lady and then be given a bib, bonnet & pacifier before continuing without acknowledging it whatsoever 🙏.

[@caseyjohnson2193]

Bert: You have good looking eyes? I didn’t know you had blue eyes? Tom: This whole time?

[@xtriple0000]

Bert.. try to let Tom finish ONE FKING sentence.. just ONE. I’d like to hear him finish a thought just once on this show.

[@JacobEaves]

Ok Bert kinda nailed Tom’s bowling alley fit 😂

[@RedURs6]

It’s cute when burnt forgets he’s disabled.

[@sergiocutlip2929]

Best podcast ever

[@sarveshgovinder2775]

I think this was the most Nadav has laughed during a show 😂

[@sethchandler1271]

Im hammered playing bertus interuptus. Jeezus bert

[@adamdawes1535]

Holy Lord, do you guys notice that Bert now literally is identical to his digitally altered self from Tom's music video??!!!

[@turnerbecker7]

This episode Tom really is holding on for dear life. It’s great

[@BazookaTooth707]

Bert is literally punch drunk from being constantly drunk

[@cademanson1905]

As a hazel eye haver I feel so flattered lmaooo

[@alexanderson9442]

Bert: type in heterochromia, I wanna see more "blue eyed brown eyed people" 😂😂😂😂😂

[@sophiarobson3]

Kyle Long went and spent time with my nephew Andrew that was getting bullied for being overweight on the school bus about 10 years ago. Outstanding family

[@bendejo8]

Has someone ever counted the amount of times Bert interrupts Tom in a single podcast?

[@Reclipsegaming]

Love Pat! Watch his podcast everyday

[@patrickdillon500]

Bert is the funniest man Bert has ever met.

[@Greatlakeskyle.]

I mean I don’t mind a few ads but 10 in the show + overlayed becomes exhausting over time got dam

[@adamgalliano]

Has anyone noticed how large the space is from Bert’s upper lip to the bottom of his nose?

[@TheLoveInYourEar]

35:00 Tom gets his story hijacked again 🤣🤣🤣

[@SailorGreenTea]

1:23:56, you really need to look close to see green.

[@taylorvukich458]

I live and work right by Charlottesville and had friends at the second show. I love hearing Toms point of view on it 😂

[@SailorGreenTea]

55:50, I like it

[@Teeklin]

Bert, after hearing your egg in the pizza recipe, try this instead: Take that egg, beat it up and put in some cracked pepper and red pepper flakes, then batter that leftover pizza and reheat it in a pan as the most amazing Pizza French Toast you've ever had. It's fucking amazing. No other way to reheat leftover pizza.

[@douglife420]

Bert's looking like he needs to visit Joe

[@brandondrush]

Pat McAfee is an electric factory. I'd love a show with the three of them.

[@TronkTV]

Please please please… we need more Pat McAfee on two bears… He’s perfect for the show.

[@andrestein6022]

For those looking, this is likely what they died laughing at after Google: Tom using the R word in his special

[@chrisrose_krii_lun_aus]

It's pictures of Tom. LMAO

[@callieb6454]

137th time Bert ‘notices’ Tom’s blue eyes

[@carmensperry7095]

Bert I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me torpedo your career😅

[@chrisrose_krii_lun_aus]

We need a words per episode counter for Tom.

[@SGTxBlack]

Welcome to Brett tells the same story for the third time in a different way.

[@shawnmurtaugh1412]

NEW CAMERAS..... LOOKING GOOD BOYS

[@aewatt1]

Bert's extra all over the place...I don't know how Tom keeps track

[@Kazmodan]

Bret throws around panic attack pretty liberally

[@skipharris]

Bart has SEVERE ADD

[@homeskillet81298]

major h3h3 vibes with Bart's beanie lmao

[@thathabsfan1431]

In Micronesia there are black and browned skinned people with blonde hair and blue eyes naturally. Great podcast you guys I'm glad Tom got a little story in there before it was back to the go BIG show.

[@Bobojanglesbo]

Well damn burnts been visited by succubi, that’s a yikers for me dog

[@ricardoalvarrez460]

Early beep was totally Leanne

[@mattbabers]

Berts a Fucking genius

[@JBrass98]

Someone should show Bert the blue people of Kentucky if he thinks blue eyes are cool!

[@justinleonard6183]

What the fuck is a chill bump

[@jam1116]

I wonder how long Bert would just keep talking if you shut his mic off

[@jeremywhite4389]

Tom has a V in his forehead, just like James Gandolfini... both of them very intense lmao

[@charlesgrigson6436]

I'm like 11 minutes in and this fucking episode is hilarious thus far

[@jupiterokachobee1532]

I googled it and it's Louie CK but there was a picture of tom up there too 👀

[@BirdOfHermes83]

I thought Tommy John was the " D.U.I. baby " guy

[@ninetaro8228]

Bart slowly winding his way towards campaigning for the Aryan race through his love of facial features is truly on brand

[@vashthestampede9269]

Pat McAfee is the best!! Three man is perfect with the bears

[@monkey_ish4117]

1:14:15 yes dude! Sitting right across from you!

[@alexdayenian]

Bert is slipping into a manic state

[@guitarprincess7]

Watching the three of them on facetime solidified how gay men straight men act sometimes

[@mattyice_0119]

Yoooo Bert was on one this episode, in the worst way possible

[@evfields24]

“Down syndrome advocates want Netflix to remove Tom Segura’s comedy special” is what came up when they googled rtd comics

[@mattmason8474]

I googled "Retarded Stand Up Comics" a bunch of pictures of Louis C.K. come up.

[@RestingBitchface7]

“We can’t use the word rtd because of people like Tom Segura.”

[@montyjackson69]

Time stamp?

[@silentjav]

@@montyjackson69 1:14:16

[@ozzyisapothead]

@@cooperg4605 think he was going to say "thats about me"

[@franciscogonzalez446]

Tom should make a podcast where he finishes all his stories that Bert never lets him finish…

[@ianscott1155]

"Finishing" a YMH pod.

[@digitalsalsas]

It’s called Tom talks and it’s boring

[@franciscogonzalez446]

@@digitalsalsas wrong. Tom talks are fuckin awesome! He’s a great interviewer… I just wanna hear some of his stories in their entirety! I love burnt, but I also like stories, that can be finished 😂

[@aidankyle6348]

"Jeans Comes First"

[@xvi5333]

Different

[@sunflowersamurai6447]

Man it's crazy how in Bert's vocabulary the word "skinny" just means "slightly less obese"

[@alanmueller2027]

lmfao

[@John-lo4xz]

Accurate #BertIsFat

[@colina1330]

I know what he means, though. As a big boy myself, I'll look at pictures of myself from years ago when I thought it was fat, and think the same thing.

[@TrundleTheGreat]

Not to mention "gorgeous" just means in a movie.

[@alexnelson7986]

I love the smirk Tom gives the camera when Bert goes off on some of his stories 😂

[@StoneAquatics]

It’s like the office micheal Scott lmao

[@issh1n]

@@StoneAquatics not michael, jim.

[@loudd]

1:15:00 The reason they are laughing is because they googled “are there any ret***ed comedians?” and Tom being fined and having his special removed from Netflix is the first like 12 articles lmao

[@paulhummel3926]

Came to the comments for this! Thank you!!

[@parkerfigueroa6682]

i thought it’s cause they typed in retarted comedians and bert popped up 😭

[@matthewpeed774]

Hope everyones Monday gets touched through the fence!

[@daviddobarganes9115]

I loled

[@iangreen7136]

It's cold here but make sure you watch for waspes and drink water

[@justinhd9865]

Love ya, fuck face.

[@TheSilentGeorges]

Thanks! Four strokes Monday to you my friend!

[@SwabLevy]

And merry fence touching to you too