Ep. 107 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Pretty wild episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer this week! Bert went to ye olde sex shoppe in Austin and brought back a bunch of toys for the bears to try out and review! Pumps, plugs, and mold of Christy Mack! Do we need to get Christy's permission to use it? Lets reach out either way! Bert realizes that him and Tom live VERY different lives on the road. We try and figure out how Bert is still alive and if a perspective adjustment is in order. We get into all the insecurities that come with being a comedian and how some people handle them. We then get back into ladies that worked in the adult industry for a couple months that blew up from that. The bears share the difficulties doing improv podcasts and radio appearances.
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[@Frededrengen]

Bert: “I don’t think penispumps are real.” Tom: “Whatta you mean?” Bert: “It’s hard to explain” Tom: “What’s hard to explain?” Bert: “Well, where do you wanna start?” Tom: “Tell me how it’s hard to explain” This could not have been more of a Tom/Bert conversation if it tried.

[@rickienoseman2186]

Two of the biggest hacks who force their laughter? I agree.

[@whydochair9552]

@@rickienoseman2186 yo momma

[@fatticus794]

@@rickienoseman2186 who hurt you Ricky

[@bsbg-lifts]

Rickie Noseman Why are you even here? Lmao

[@brandendierker5873]

@@bsbg-lifts sometimes its fun to go on a "i hate bert" spree

[@markh3684]

“Let’s take our time with these” sounded just like my mom every Christmas opening presents… and now I’ve got Bert’s voice and that memory rattling around in my head…

[@lukewojdylo9241]

Sponsored by BetterHealth!

[@cheesentrees2555]

“There’s something in there! What if it’s a map? This is how an adventure starts!” Got’dang it Brett. That was gold.

[@benpelrah]

Bert all of the time: “I never drink on stage” Also Bart all of the time: “I got hammered on stage the other day”

[@oknilem666]

Started this show for Bert, but the more I learn about him I'm more of a Tom fan.

[@butchxflaccidy996]

Bert: “the mouth is so small!” Tom: “yeah it’s really nice..”

[@antiwhatever5391]

@@Dronax sound a bit creepy there bud.

[@augistineaquinas3325]

he had a creepy look too

[@IntensePeppers]

Some cool guys in these comments 🎸 🎸 🎸

[@deanjuliano7849]

I prefer a cumdog who can give the WHOLE dog a bath

[@jackonpurpose]

You’ve got that beautiful mouth

[@ajbabineau007]

"Let me plug some dates first..." "OK, I'll go first " Classic Brendt

[@boosterbrosllc4681]

Imagine your a new fan of Tom and Bart and you get excited because you find out they have a podcast. And this is the first pod you watch

[@lukegangl8644]

This is the second one I’m watching. I just started, should I be worried😅😂

[@rossrobichaux9425]

I just was sent this by a friend 🤣 first vid I've seen of them

[@Failbreed09]

I love that Tom knew he had to ask "Did you use this yet" before taking things from Bert

[@Amandah00CLC]

He legit asked the same question worded slightly differently 5 or more times

[@dakotadad8835]

“I’m never gonna quit drinking” -Burnt Chrysler

[@skitidetdu6672]

Famous last words.

[@ViolentRunn]

- the guy drinking cooking Sherry

[@sampsoa1]

Gotta keep it high and tight

[@colina1330]

I feel like this is all building up to Tom and Leann organizing an intervention for Bert.

[@macho_bjj]

Well it’s important to have goals

[@loungewear13]

Whoever told Tom to start breaking the fourth wall more is a genius

[@jeremyhall1153]

It reminds me of Jim in the Office except with buttplugs

[@zacheryp813]

One of the voices in his head

[@allysonheller9215]

His facial expressions/reactions are priceless.

[@vredehuman5242]

I'm thinking of making a compilation just with his fourth wall breaks. Think it'll be entertaining.

[@simonrankine4908]

Holy shit yes. So good!

[@brianyates844]

Holy shit. I lost it when Tom looked at the camera and said "Christi I'm sorry" with that face. Violator. lmao

[@brandonallen2228]

Tom's face when Bert says "I think i'm more of like a dick person" 🤣🤣🤣🤣fucking podcast is the best

[@interovic]

2B1C is basically a weekly therapy session where Kursher keeps convincing himself he isn't an alcoholic to a sociopath therapist that laughs

[@mrs.h2725]

I get the feeling that Tim has made some serious attempts at getting through to him, but Brent is in denial. I think he may wake up and get his 💩 together after his 2nd or 3rd heart attack. First one he’ll downplay for sure.

[@interovic]

@@AgendaInMind you seem a bit Tok'd brother

[@oddynuff666]

@@interovic they haven’t been following proto

[@Filiolus]

Bret - *laughs in seagull*

[@Stbuster31]

And these last eps have all were recorded over a week haha

[@alexandersupertramp6793]

The only reason I like Mondays. Thanks Tod and Bart

[@MichaelWutsch]

Watch bad friends

[@joemade7071]

Burnt*

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Bad friends sucks!!

[@spikedmo]

Yeah we all know the best podcast duo is scissor bros

[@jasonwinterton9369]

@@spikedmo Scissor bros is even worse

[@Sf4life1216]

"Why has it gotten better?" "Because you're here " :)

[@Rob-dl6lu]

The cool guy guitar riff should have been playing throughout the episode.

[@HENSONnOZ]

Can't wait to hear Brent talk. I feel like we don't get to hear enough of him.

[@wassontv]

Couldn’t agree more

[@ruthotoruth2489]

agree(without irony)

[@JDSharar13]

These comments getting upvoted on every 2Bears are at the point of being more annoying than Bert now.

[@HENSONnOZ]

@@JDSharar13 expressing how annoyed you are has annoyed me. I feel triggered.

[@Knight3434]

You can watch something else 🤷‍♂️

[@AJ-ut8cz]

They were so busy wondering if they could, that they never stopped to ask if they should.

[@MrBoom50]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@sirweebs2914]

Thank you. That was exactly what I needed xD

[@mcr5645]

*Why does Tom smile like my grandpa with only his lower set of dentures in 😂*

[@danb4811]

I feel like I'm watching Tom try to understand Bert every time. He watches him like you watch a child.

[@DestroyerSTP]

Its pretty sus to me that around 16:45 when Bert is talking about the auto-blow machine that he keeps referring to it as "he" haha

[@rachaelmjuju]

Cause he said the mouth looks more like a dudes mouth

[@flying_nimbus7852]

Bart "Im more of a dick person" Chrysler

[@CaperChris]

Most sincere moment with Segura "because your here" i felt that.

[@SkinnyKitchen]

hey guys! best intro ever!!! Bert - "I'm never going to quit drinking. I don't even look good." thanks Bert, I feel the same way except I'm skinny! have a good week boys

[@andrewroling8111]

They way Tom looks at the camera and smiles when Bert does or says something ridiculous 💀💀😂😂😂

[@linkd9553]

The 4th wall jim style office break

[@andrewroling8111]

@@linkd9553 😂😂 your so right

[@charliedog29]

The echo of nadav's laugh when Tom puts the butt plug in sounds diabolical lol

[@pravkdey]

Before his very eyes his slash fiction is coming true

[@chriswakefieldmusic]

Burt sticking his finger into a Fleshlight: “This is how an adventure begins!”

[@snkelol]

"What if it's a map?" Had me rolling

[@grislycougar674]

I did not expect my Monday to start quite like this.

[@usmc72409]

Right!?!

[@jessedrake5385]

Getting off work at 530pm, i didnt expect my night to start like this.. 🤣

[@ApostolosFilms]

You should have a segment called “gaslighting with bert” where you gaslight him into doing stuff and then record it for scientific reasons

[@Doorito_]

Just say "what's the world record for most beer drank in one day" and he'll be off

[@yeeyee6989]

well aint that poetic marshall

[@jamesl3426]

that’s what the entire premise of 2B1C is

[@reportinglivefromhell222]

And not tell Burt.. just get him freaking out🤣🤣🤣

[@Christian-oi7sd]

@@Doorito_ well whoever has that record is most likely dead

[@-Bert-]

Seeing Tom’s face when he finally got something to reach his G-spot gives me immense joy and I don’t know why

[@ImmaTigerBro]

I love how Tom's face always looks like he's listening to a little kid tell a story when Bert is talking.

[@matisa6556]

3 minutes in and I'm glad to see Tom and Burp taking their relationship to the next level such a sweet couple .

[@colbybradshaw9711]

hahaha "burp"

[@jakehawkins9330]

My bet is that Tom pretended to put the butt plug in because he knew Brent would just have to do it too and knew he actually would

[@carynmartin6053]

I thought that same thing

[@tre3321]

The excitement on Bart's face when Tim came back from the bathroom is priceless

[@cheesentrees2555]

It was child-like excitement… which is awkward and weird considering they’re using vibrators 🤣

[@dralithi]

58:45 - I think Bert's talking about Groucho Marx’s 1951 letter of resignation to the Friars’ Club: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”

[@C.A.D.]

Tom "It's weird talking to your friend with this going on" Bert "I'm not bothered by it" literally one minute later Bert, "I can't believe I'm talking to you with this thing vibrating in my asshole" 😂😂😂😂😂😂 most Bert thing ever haha

[@C.A.D.]

@@joshisajedi2461 lol good note. It's a direct quote, but I think the vibration is what he's saying is "in" lmao

[@ericpeck5983]

Yeah he barely made it 40 seconds.

[@j.c.9256]

When Tim looks into the camera when Bart says something stupid is hilarious 😂

[@kristiskinner8542]

Ive tried telling people this podcast is for Toms amusement & we're just the lucky flies on the wall

[@Revolution1117]

@@kristiskinner8542 Exactly. If you re-watch the first episode, you know exactly what Tim's agenda was. Diabolically genius.

[@Holdmytotem]

Bret: “I got us matching butt plugs” 😂😂😂

[@jynx2501]

"Your drinking's gotten out of control." Lmfao

[@Ingbingsthing]

The excitement and wonder in Bert's eyes is priceless

[@kaat776]

I thoroughly enjoy Tom’s mischievous look at Bart when he’s talking about leftover shits. He knows that something weird was on its way from Bart.

[@theironemald8779]

Silly bart

[@meghankeller4871]

The look on berts face when Tom sat down was like he just saw Santa

[@jessedrake5385]

@5:41 tom jumping lke a little kid followed by "I don't like that" and "I don't want that im my asshole" had me cracking up 🤣

[@erikds6338]

Can't believe a machine got into Tom's scrum before Christina

[@TestyLeaf]

Bert: I’m gonna get us sex toys and we’ll play with them together on the next episode Tom [clearly exasperated, not actually agreeing]: okay...? Bert: I spent $1000 on sex toys

[@serenade4509]

LITERALLY Tom turning to the camera like its the office gets me every fkn time XD

[@jimkrik2330]

Just two bros vibin together

[@alisonw7802]

I smiled and laughed the entire episode.

[@djrt8179]

This was a manic Bert episode. Like, insane lol

[@Bodybybagel]

It really was. I am still laughing about the hooters plane episode.

[@megyskermike]

They always talk about Brent being gaunt, but I've never once seen him approaching anything near gaunt.

[@ApocalypticSigns]

Cause Bert is a delusional alcoholic and Tom plays along because it is funny and doesn't want it to stop. I mean, isn't that obvious? Lol.

[@DirtyBertie]

This is how the goonies started pulling a map out of a flesh light hahahaha always thought Bert looked like a grown up chunk xx

[@BenTelfordVisuals]

So nice of Brent to have Tim and Nadiv on the Burntcast today

[@Knight3434]

You can watch something else 🤷‍♂️

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

@@AgendaInMind you ok?

[@DARINGDORKS]

Best way to start a Week!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@zakkfrazer22]

Tom’s giggles after being reminded they swam in pants together 😂😂

[@kristigrant4147]

Always love this lovefest!! Tom Segura is the friend we all want and need in our life - zero judgement, all giggles (1:01 made my eyes watery - I think you already know, but I want you to know how much I enjoy you) - the best!

[@evfields24]

I quit drinking 4 years ago, the only reinforcement I need to be good is to watch 2B1C every Monday 😃

[@megyskermike]

Quality comment content

[@chadgrov]

Nah this ice cold Heineken while watching is so unbelievably pleasurable.

[@michaelhowe3274]

Bro this episode comin through the fence right away!

[@blakeb965]

“I know someone that doesn’t like you” Bert is such a man-child

[@ivanrlynn]

He shall not be named

[@JustWhyFFS]

Tom's face after he sits back down, like he took mushrooms and they're starting to kick in lmao

[@eliholmes6924]

It’s saying something when this episode is the most comfortable I’ve been with Bert in months

[@spencerlawrence8318]

0 Bears, 2 Berts, 46 burps, and a new cigar cough

[@gummybrain]

Okay, now I really want to see a movie about Bert finding a treasure map in a fleshlight.

[@bigsmackisback2052]

These two are an unstoppable force of savage personal humour, never stop guys its priceless.

[@TReeves92]

I'm fucking crying right now 😂 Him sitting down made me just almost piss myself and my work will now stuff.

[@Kav3h]

same

[@Ryan-ws3ui]

Holy God! I'm going to have to take this episode like their butt plugs, in segments.😂🤣😂🤣

[@justending]

This podcast is really living up to it's name, I love it xx

[@torynparnell9953]

literally the only podcast i wait for weekly 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[@controlledmaniac27]

6 minutes in and this is already the best non live episode of this podcast.

[@Starscream796]

Time to rename this podcast “ 2 bears 1 closet” 😂😂😂😂😂

[@Kav3h]

so glad I wore headphones at work today, Teri and Barney are going for it today

[@jerathhopkins95]

I love the audible laughter in the background 😂.

[@SamuelJayMedia]

The episode screams “demonetisation” ahah Love every single episode Tim and Brent!

[@BlackBeard_Gamez]

You can't demonitize advertising reads lol

[@slimpickins5617]

wait a minuet ...did brad just say "He's like...." when referring to his flesh light hahaha

[@rachaelmjuju]

Yeah, he said the mouth looks more like a dude’s

[@anthonyzullo]

Yup. He also said he'd f the machine under the table if tom holds it for him. He cant get it up without starring into tims eyes. Bro, I swear bert is bie for something. He GIVES the gay vibes hardcore lmfao! But then again they have been best friends for decades. Still a better love story than twilight.

[@JVKSJVKJDKVJ]

We’ve swam in pants together. Oh fuck Bert cracks me up hahaha

[@nutz6t9ers]

this should have been a live!!!! by far one of the best episodes

[@withcharlie6059]

7am on the dot like clock work every mon. Super blazed watching it from Denver

[@joshm.9224]

How do you start your day that baked! I just can’t do it lol

[@boofert.washington2499]

@@joshm.9224 it's called being a reefer addict.

[@SAHtoshiDude]

I guess I’m just not as good of a friend with my friends as I thought cause Bert and Tom are on another level

[@loganhernandez8276]

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life

[@CH0MP4]

"what if it's a map!?" hahahaha The Poonies staring Bert Kreischer as Chunk give us a truffle shuffle Bert

[@allysonheller9215]

This episode took an interesting turn...Now we've all seen Bert's sex face.

[@AlreadyAway]

I saw Burnt Chrysler in Detroit this weekend. The show was fire. Can't wait for T.Bunz next year

[@massanylon]

Just saw him (edit: Tom) in Norfolk, Va last friday. Some of his stuff will feel a bit familiar from the podcast. Funny as hell though.

[@Probasaur]

Really great conversation. You guys always get some place great. Realest friend podcast out there

[@chandrathestrange]

This is the best episode I have seen yet.

[@andyredding]

I would LOVE to see Tom’s list of people he hated podcasting with

[@briannamontgomery3709]

A podcast so bad that you have to resort to the cooking Sherry 🤣 I'm crying

[@jenniferhaylett724]

😂😂😂😂😂 this has to be my favorite episode yet 😂 could not stop laughing.

[@volcryndarkstar]

*Nadav:* "Are you gonna take any of those toys on the road with you?" *Brett Krishna:* "No. I mean yeah, all of them."

[@CollateralDamage93]

Waking up to the pod + coffee reminds me of when my dad and uncle would be up early as f, just shootin the chit and I would just wake up, eat cereal and observe lol :) you two kick ass

[@ThunderboltMahoney]

This is the HARDEST I’ve ever heard Nadav laugh!

[@joshwilde5343]

@Cade bro how does it feel to be one of the most tokked people in the world

[@joshwilde5343]

@Cade gen z? that’s YMH talk you false blood.

[@joshwilde5343]

@Cade do you still seriously think it’s a laugh track? i don’t understand how you can be so dense

[@tyronebiggums7296]

His laughter will never fail to put a big smile on my face. I miss his manic laughter on this show so much.😂

[@kennethromo8302]

“Pull up the directions to this thing” Fuckign burnt 😹

[@GeminiThaMom]

Excited for this one 🤣 made me pucker with joy

[@GoDrex]

I had a friend that said he would never quit drinking. He's dead now.

[@Ilikecoolmovies]

agreed

[@Kav3h]

well he wasn't a quiter

[@digitalsalsas]

ive never heard of someone dying before, does that happen to everyone

[@slunkling9794]

Bret literally almost said "you have to be a legit gay dude to use this" lmao. Kudos Bruce,it seems your finally learning...

[@millardfilmore1403]

Ahaha he should’ve said it

[@matthutchings1988]

The two bears never disappoint!! 🐻 🐻 🤣 😂 😂

[@ryanherring5398]

Tom I was at the show lastnight an Charlottesville and you absolutely KILLED. Thank you for an awesome first experience

[@Danaa.k1103]

Fun fact: Tom’s fly is hard core open after he returns from using the restroom.

[@dustinmurphy82able]

Tom- “I don’t want that in my asshole” 5mins in and already has the comment of the day. Gonna be hard to beat that. Onward…

[@briceshumate6857]

This episode gave me a much needed belly laugh. Thanks guys

[@thedukeofkidding941]

God damnit 15 seconds in and I already know I can't watch this at work lol