Ep. 94 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Today on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom and Bert discuss comedians who pushed Bert, their weight loss challenge and the rise of The Machine story. Then, they go over old hook ups with girls, having a threesome with Adriana Chechik and call their wives to get approval. Afterwards, Tom and Bert talk about receiving texts from unwanted people and how to deal with that type of negative behavior.
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[@bunnymama6851]

"That load was like a civil rights water hose." 🤣😂🤣

[@Leslie-wb8cb]

My coffee almost came out of my nose with that one!

[@peps1943]

☠️

[@bunnymama6851]

This whole episode was pure joy!

[@sl0ppyj0xo]

I'm glad someone else enjoyed that as much as I did 😂

[@RoTxJAKE]

i think that might be brets greatest off the top line ever

[@ju908]

Crazy that I would have no idea who either of these guys are without Joe rogan.....haven't listened to Rogan in legit months but I never miss an EP of 2bears or your moms house lol

[@stevenarmstrong5364]

Saame lmao

[@daniiielle4217]

Yeah I think I got a recommendation for rogan on ymh and became a mommy from there. Still remember joe asking "what's with the jeans?". 🤣

[@DAVEJONEZ1]

Same but it was once he went to spotify I quit

[@ju908]

@@DAVEJONEZ1 same here I even pay for Spotify but it jus sucks to watch podcast on

[@391angus]

@@ju908 first world problems🤣 don’t have to worry about KZbin censorship though

[@Phi1618033]

The name of Bart's next Netflix special: *This Is How Daddy Makes Braces.*

[@revfunk8823]

Comment of the day. Take all my money

[@zach10022]

Makin' Brace's

[@Carl_Georg]

I couldn't tell if he said braces or bracelets

[@777Snowden]

His name is Brad

[@walterplatzer8422]

Ahhh this is a way better title than razzle dazzle

[@Fathom_VT]

Honest kudos to Bert for that award. It’s well deserved big boy.

[@jeremiahdaniels]

They could call the DP section….. 2 Bears, 1 Cave.

[@joshisajedi2461]

Unless they are entering two different caves.

[@jeremiahdaniels]

@@joshisajedi2461 very astute observation and correction.

[@Mike_Sierra_2711]

2 Bears - 3 Caves

[@Betallink182]

2 bears 1 babe

[@patricksullivan2322]

“That’s not acting, I’m hard by the way” hardest I’ve laughed in 2021😂😂😂🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[@jo-gu4ln]

the american flags got me dead lmfao

[@grantpowell4135]

Same here lol

[@globjax7687]

The USA flags so unnecessary 😂😂😂

[@DevinMcSalty]

Tell me you say “murica” without tellin me^^^

[@deventazz8018]

@@DevinMcSalty fuck outta here with that dead tiktok meme

[@jameshenderson1498]

Bert: You took a Covid test yesterday? Tom: Yes . . . Haven’t gotten the result yet 😂

[@danielxo8467]

I knew almost immediately Tim was gonna say “but I haven’t gotten the results yet” 🤣

[@matthewgierula5674]

Best episode in a while! I still hope someday that they make a movie where Tom plays the Fedsmoker and Bert is an FBI agent on his trail across America like Smokey and the Bandit.

[@AmandaBurns14]

Yes!! I love that idea!

[@Dane_B_Reilly]

Great idea but Id have Brett play the crazy one

[@lyndsaypistella4173]

You mean Fedsmoker would be on Bert's tail. Fedsmoker hunts the FBI

[@matthewgierula5674]

@@lyndsaypistella4173 That could work too.

[@matthewgierula5674]

@@Dane_B_Reilly Yeah, but Tom can do the impression and looks more like Conald.

[@bpatt8617]

He might be "THE MACHINE" , but he's still just a human. Love ya Bert keep on doing your thing brother

[@bighowdy60]

How many times will Tim stare at the camera because of Brent today?

[@recluse86]

Over/under is 4.5

[@thatoneguy3796]

I think Dom will stare at the camera at least a half dozen times bc of Brett

[@raynevarez1680]

10

[@balettpatkany]

We’d need to get into the mind of Bruce to be able to make an educated guess

[@valentinaosorio5391]

definitely my favorite moments

[@jonathanqueen3294]

Bart: I have one thing on my mind *switches subjects 3 times in four seconds*

[@AD-df5tm]

I would love for someone to transcribe this podcast so I could read back Bert's ramblings. In text it would be incomprehensible.

[@drewstaples9648]

Man seeing how much Bert was effected by that POS really sucks. He is such a Genuinely good dude. So fucked up.

[@porkswordism]

Yeah man mommies mess with Burt hard but he’s like the most lovable dude. Genuinely got a good heart and is real nice to all his fans.

[@Turntorangutan]

Bert, you rule, man. Glad you’re able to take that shit in stride.

[@8thlvlMage]

Sounds like he absolutely didn't take it in stride. Especially the one that happened years prior that he started getting mad about all over again.

[@Turntorangutan]

@@8thlvlMage way to be a nay sayer, man. You must have a lot of good things going on in your life.

[@dwavyy300]

@@Turntorangutan but you’re wrong and he’s right kmao

[@massgrave8x]

@@8thlvlMage Damn dude, way to cut someone down for a gesture of support and positivity?

[@MegaFlorest]

For all the shit we give Bert...I really enjoy him on this podcast. He's a good dude, despite being an angrily married alcoholic.

[@owenjacobs65]

Words can’t tell you how excited I was when Bert said he didn’t hear what Adriana said yet… BAHAHA

[@mysteradio]

Tom's wife has a good sense of humor lol

[@theguywiththetail]

50:00 That's the best teaser for Bart's movie! I can't wait to see it!

[@johncunningham7178]

Bert tracking down and confronting the trolls needs to be a feature on the next live special

[@XionicAihara]

This podcast never cease to amaze me. Been watching it since day 1. Love you guys lol

[@Marc_Davila]

I love how Tom and Bert just casually on a podcast are like “so look at the way this guy does this thing”😂

[@andrewroling8111]

Mondays aren’t so bad with Tim and Brent to make us laugh

[@dzind]

Bert's the sweetest guy. Why do people fuck with him? Jealousy? They're sad bullies.

[@stefinikenworthy4070]

Bert just introduced a new way to pronounce fucking CARAMEL 😂

[@KrankyKate279]

Everyone needs a work relationship like Tom & Lee did, I have one and it makes work so much fun

[@tabithafolden1211]

Doesn’t LeeAnn check Bert’s email for him. I’m gonna guess she marked that as spam and deleted it. 😂

[@TerrisLP]

I thought he had someone handling his DMs and social media’s

[@winning564]

I'm the words of Bart Chrysler "A HUNDRED PERCENT"

[@daxgarage2750]

So glad the DP offer was new to Bert LOL! LOVE IT. Sorry you have to deal with all these trash people Bert. A lot of people have garbage lives with no future, and they redirect that aggression towards people like yourself. Keep up the good work and keep pushing forward. Your real fans love you.

[@WhatTheBlastt]

If there has ever been a merch idea to explain Burnt its "45 seconds isn't cheating"

[@CountDoucheula]

But it's a t-shirt sized for dogs

[@PirateNinjaYT]

He’s gunna hit 1 millions subs soon! I’m so proud!

[@colearmy12]

Bert…. Thank you for the tutorial video segment. Walking with confidence now.

[@sammcclain129]

"If she doesn't answer it's a yes." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@tylerclownfish8106]

What’s crazy is I have my tickets to see it on Thursday for the pre release he’s gonna be live streaming into the movie theater

[@dhosey88]

Tom hesitant smirk - Bart full on doofus smiling... wonderful.

[@nickricci19]

LMFAOOO bert trying to subtly say the reddit thread is wrong....after being worried about it then cutting to an ad 😂

[@jarrettyates8968]

You can tell Tom missed Bart cause he’s wanted to just go do stuff after filming a few times in the past couple episodes.

[@rickyrichards1294]

1:09:02 Brent Chrysler; "Can you read it, I can't read" Yup, that about sums up everyone's favorite machine

[@magicman9564]

“Don’t be the guy talking to much”-Bert Kreishenger 2021

[@cataldiman92]

One of the best episodes

[@connorhubbard9973]

Imagine that table starts lifting off the ground while watching the finger bang lol

[@emosewasikcin]

Bert "Ah Fuck It, I'll Fuck The Dog" Kreisher

[@jessedrake5385]

This is 100% the most pornafied episode of two bears one cave in the history of everdom..... And I love it

[@sheyennestouder9899]

As soon as he described the video I knew lmao

[@DennyFatKid]

I wonder how many hits that video gets after this podcast

[@MrTakedownkd]

Hardest I’ve ever laughed at this podcast is that clip and toys reaction “the machine” movie clip

[@TrailerSwift84]

Plot twist: it was Ari Shaffir sending those texts.

[@shawnure6707]

I can't wait to get to the dealership and buy a Bert Chrysler

[@sativarosegold3604]

Boy that texter really got under Burnt's skin, mission accomplished

[@sativarosegold3604]

Sticking oil up there sounds like a yeast infection in progress

[@mdrams75]

I cant believe Nadav would be so ballsy to just text Bert like that straight up.

[@babbotfinklestein9513]

Never thought id pop a semi during this podcasts. What a gem this is

[@leanderlion68]

This is a wild one

[@AngelasAnythingShow]

lucy did not want a hippa violation

[@kwais616]

Bert definitely was in trouble when he got home 😭🙈

[@xdarnokx]

Almost a million subs!

[@Torchforbes]

I just absolutely love Bert telling all of his stories and then cutting them in a way so that we always know he’s not sharing something on purpose. Why the fuck would anyone want to listen to a story being told completely censored

[@MrPuppeteer]

50:08 that new Bert clip is 😂

[@Justispeed]

If I was lucky enough to get Bert’s number I would have been so positive and shown so much love and tell him it’s on Reddit I feel so bad he’s so nice love u Bert

[@yourself_in_peace]

Nadav’s laugh reminds me of the fatheads from rocko’s modern life

[@djbowlz2128]

I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure Marc Rebillet was the first one to do drive in movie shows.

[@Edelce]

tom doin bert at 0:26

[@ThePanba]

If Brent and Tim get to DP then Push and LeeAnn get an appointment with Dr Squirt hahahaha

[@Nysackman]

Great pod this week

[@bananamagna5316]

Bert's phone number probably got leaked from the pizza place he orders from. I mean it's like 4 times a week...

[@lopki55]

Has anyone found the video Bert is taking about?

[@Godemes]

26:22 "He does what women want." Then Tom leans with the best "f*ck that, seriously?" expression on his face. Bert's inner thoughts before talking, "What does pleasing a woman sound like? Pac Man eating dots, definitely."

[@marklovett9108]

Bert knew way too much about Dr. Squirts. His wife goes regularly

[@gunkmasterflex942]

OMG, BIG BIRD BERT!!!!!!

[@demoneyin9390]

So help me god if Bert doesn’t shut up while Dr. Squirts does his thing.

[@bird5887]

I havnt laughed this hard since scissor bros...

[@ryanlewis5876]

Live show pitch…Dr.Squirtalot & a “patient” vs Adriana Chechik…🚿

[@kylemoucha]

Good ole Bernt Krysner

[@jaidynfernandez6355]

who’s gonna tell them that women absolutely know what we are doing when we do that😂

[@JoeRyMi]

Bert isn’t slipping anything in his kool-aid

[@nosaj666]

Leann such a bummer

[@BOG925]

Mint Mobile is the shit!!!!

[@S1X_Bucks]

My dad's advice when I was a kid is the same as Bert's. Surround yourself with people better than yourself.

[@bri3_medina22]

Yo Bert is a wild BOI 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and what is more fucked up is I am watching this at work and ppl are asking why are you laughing ? I go you really don’t t want to know 🤣🤣

[@chasecarter3302]

What is Tom got ahold of G's number? 😆 I don't think he'd do anything but the think of the possibilities.

[@MrDbest123]

Bert looks like his name should be susan

[@snoookie456]

Britney's finally free, so there should be a "Leave Bert alone" thing now.

[@y.b.i.tribepodcast3839]

WE AT THE YBI TRIBE PODCAST WOULD NEVER TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU ONLINE.... but definitely in person🤙🏼

[@pooplozer420]

I pray Bert's new number by the grace of God spells Bret

[@robotfart]

The Machine is just a story, that is all, facts don’t matter.

[@contactbigjay]

My teeth hurt! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 as I drink sugar and some coffee.

[@GymAndSun]

You guys put it up early today! I’m barely halfway through my kool aid thermo

[@kylegroezinger498]

This deserves more likes

[@robertrodriguez7997]

🤣🤣🤣

[@rhino202]

The first 64oz or the second?

[@hennesippn7145]

@@rhino202 the first 64 oz duh. He needs some more hydration for later after the 5 mile daily run

[@kngtrdr_]

I can't believe he outed the whole mom group at his daughter's school HAHAHAHAHAHA

[@growwoodlands6121]

hes bad with secrets

[@Daniel-wv7lj]

I know I really want to hear about the aftermath! Imagine all the kids hearing their mom goes to Dr Squirts

[@37yeahbuddy]

He really can't keep secrets. He didn't even realize he said it either. The fact it stayed in the podcast is wild. I'm sure he's getting an earful from Leeann right now. He might have just ruined some marriages with that story. Hahahaha

[@giarc9047]

@@growwoodlands6121 🤣

[@nickmorris9311]

So casually too🤣

[@patmay789]

Nadav laughing in the background is the cherry on top of the cake that makes this podcast even better.

[@bassimprovjams3772]

I know!!! That kills me !!

[@pozloadescobar]

Comedians are figuring out that they need a Stav on their podcasts. Stavros Halkias is the new laugh track

[@rbiouss6153]

The absolute joy and wonder in berts face as he watches a stranger get finger blasted kills me

[@Peni5Wrinkle]

The waka waka waka noise bert makes to describe how the squirt master does it Is Equally hilarious and disturbing.

[@Bittamin]

@ScAnDeLeZ watch the show

[@FrostyJokerr]

I was sitting here like “I should start making up things to fuck with people who are reading the comments early episode like this guy!” Turns out, you weren’t fucking with us. 😂😂

[@ClarktheShark91]

@@AgendaInMind someone is tik toked

[@OdinArrow28]

The look of his face had me giggling and rewinding for easily 20 minutes

[@AlanStucky]

I just appreciate the fact that you guys regularly say “I love you” to each other on this show. It’s probably really just a sign of me working through my own issue, but it just seems like a genuine expression of love between male friends that I don’t see very often in public settings. I appreciate it. Thanks.

[@Bigfluffinfluff]

I love you buddy

[@angelaseymour4464]

Yes it seems actually genuine, doesn’t it? About the ONLY phrase that Bert says that I believe. I believe Tom most times. But this sign off seems very legitimate.

[@xBoplo]

i will never not tell my best friend i love him. how could you not its your brother practically

[@Jacob-zv7xw]

tom: god shes such a bummer man bert: no shit this had me crying lmao

[@Dustineichorn]

I like how they talk about “dr squirt” like he’s not a prostitute

[@spencdott]

8 years at squirt school ain't cheap

[@kikib8434]

@@spencdott oh this is A HUUUUUUNDRED PERCENT the funniest comment I've seen today 😂.

[@bakerryan5672]

squirt community college is covered by some state lotteries

[@CasaFuenteOrange]

@@spencdott doesn’t take 8 years

[@d.e.d.boi228]

Thats the patriarchy

[@carlupsdell759]

Burnt Chrysler was legit enjoyable to listen to this ep. Someone should give him an award every week just so that he keeps it 'humble'.

[@raidermoto8371]

Burnt Chrysler 😂

[@sativarosegold3604]

I HATE him but I actually agree.....this once

[@MrDnbForLife]

@@sativarosegold3604 Same, cant stand him, BUT! this episode was tolerable

[@jacquep2363]

YESSSS. I couldn’t agree more. GOOD WORK BERT.

[@8thlvlMage]

"People keep giving me these awards!!! I'm KILLING it, Tom." "You sure are, buddy." It's not the award making him humble. It was having to keep from drinking for his surgery.

[@spencerdunn6933]

Just watched grown men react to porn. Maybe leading into it, the intention was humor. But it just turned into two guys watching porn. Which turned into me watching two guys watch porn.

[@BadGoyz4Life]

Now it's me reading about you watching two guys watch porn while two guys watching porn plays in the background

[@sativarosegold3604]

Did you get wood

[@mvpdjwcc6844]

But you wrote the observation down so now its science. Thank you mr scientist for this valuable data 🙏.

[@shamrrochass5255]

@@sativarosegold3604 a tingle for sure.

[@Daniel-wv7lj]

Love how Bart casually outs all the moms of his daughter's classmates 🤣

[@jg3752]

And then seems some what surprised someone posted his personal details on Reddit 😂

[@sandiasurfers3174]

Leann: " Can I go to Dr. Squirts?" Bert: "OK , But I'm getting a handy from a gay guy!!!!" 😂

[@calebmontague7675]

😂

[@GRANDboysENT]

The pod where Bert came out of the closet. Epic

[@girthbrooks1740]

Leann goes to Dr Squirts, Bert gets to visit Adriana Chechik....

[@Tojoblindeye]

@@girthbrooks1740 fair trade off 🤣🤣🤣

[@plantsavage9528]

Where’s the link to dr.squirts

[@SentientSandbox]

“If she doesn’t answer, it’s a yes” I fucking love Tom Segura.

[@closer20jc]

@Aaron Sanders oh christ grow up dude. Your definition of rape is very modern I suspect.

[@GRANDboysENT]

Every episode Tom is in a new form of brokenness. Tune in next week where the arm sling becomes a full body cast!

[@lukedonaghy8292]

what happened to him?

[@ClimptonDiddlehopper]

Double amputee of the left side by years end...

[@hunterjessup]

The ultimate Karma after him laughing at people get hurt on YMH for years

[@Backcountry91]

One of my favorite parts about this podcast was summed up in this episode and it’s the part where the entire sentence is bleeped out except for the “what the fuck!”

[@BrotherofLink3]

Bert realizing Adriana Czechik has reached out is the best part of this podcast hahaha

[@bobbyknuckles6380]

For a split second he thought it was gonna be like another Jen Aniston story

[@stevewilliams1838]

Burt Chrysler 😂😂

[@stevewilliams1838]

Burt Chrysler 😂😂

[@dustinwhiteside]

Their wives are such party poopers, no pun intended

[@mr.goldfish7473]

its just smart marketing on her part. She knows they will boost her viewership. Lots of overlapping fans.

[@youDude1]

You guys are the best! bums me out to think randoms are getting into Berts head. You guys have helped so many of us out through the last 18 months! you've literally saved lives, dont forget that! Love yas

[@sarahpuff108]

Facts!

[@GrrillaFinger]

Mostly Tom though

[@jonaslocao1690]

Who are these randos??