Ep. 111 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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It's another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer and we start with the bears talking about the steak they ate the night before and how meat makes Bert need to fart. The bears trade stories about their love lives with their wives, we get an update on the accountabilibuddies, the uniform changes at Hooters and how fast eats their buffalo shrimp. Bert makes Nadav find the coffee table book he saw of naked men from the Navy, Bert has a bone to pick with Starbucks' ice cubes, and we go deep into kinks with Enny.
tomsegura.com/...
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[@dilly_bones2147]

Brents going to look back on these episodes one day and talk about how skinny he was.

[@DefenderOfVirginity]

"young and spry"

[@funkyou2281]

I actually laughed out loud at this post.

[@joelav91]

Ahhhhhh hun dread purse ent

[@K9_50Cal]

🤣🤣🤣

[@RobinLundqvist]

@@joelav91 hahaaa he definitely says purcent

[@janedoe50]

Bert needs one of those maze dog bowls to slow down his eating

[@alanmueller2027]

HAHA!!

[@joelav91]

Ahhhh hun dread purse ent

[@joshpointoh]

He would starve to death if he had to solve a maze to eat

[@dr.doppeldecker3832]

@@joshpointoh there is also a chance that he would become the world's greatest maze solver

[@GoDrex]

Think he'll die of bloat?

[@MilesKimbrough]

‘I wanna be a fat old man…’ - TODAY’S EPISODE is brought to you by WHOOP the fitness app…

[@DrDime_]

And he wears his everyday. Man that must be depressing when your whoop just says STOP

[@dim3356]

hahaha

[@benjaminmann8028]

Bert will be lucky if he ever reaches old age

[@theironemald8779]

@@DrDime_ that’s a good one

[@derekmoore1387]

I am going to feel bad for his kids when it becomes a health crisis and his family watches him decay

[@GathererThompson]

Bart is as close as we'll get to a real-life Homer Simpson.

[@thomasschweda5104]

Ha, that is true!

[@zz3n428]

That's truly spot on holy shit!

[@utlonghorn86]

Just not as loveable

[@timaldridge84]

Chris Cuomo is the closest we'll get to fredo

[@adalenauriostegui7606]

Yes!😅

[@ram_scg7825]

I'm so proud of Bert. He's never looked worse!

[@DigitalDuelist]

Bwahahaha! 😂

[@Longboarder3221]

🤣🤣🤣

[@mnicp95]

Tommy looking leaner though

[@Pacific_Norfweest]

He looks like a bus accident.

[@Angellonely1]

I wonder how big he gonna get

[@peterarbour5021]

"do you want us to box this for you?" "No, I can buy another one tomorrow!" (Looks at the poor's)

[@c9566]

Iconic.

[@JR-rz1br]

Bert is simultaneously wheezing due to obesity and drowning in his own saliva as he fantasizes about eating.

[@MatthewT8488]

🤣🤣🤣 about eating navy guys

[@Shrapnel92]

The more he talks about food the harder it gets for him to breathe/ speak. He's getting so turned on by food his heart is saying "Please just stop, I can't keep up"

[@Shrapnel92]

@@MatthewT8488 he's becoming Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

[@puppy_helmet9206]

Hahahaha so true xp #keepbertfat

[@TheSkafec]

His throat is lined with beef gristle.

[@haildasgym]

Bert still calls things “treats”, even though all his “treats” are a part of his every day diet. Fully tok’d.

[@joshpointoh]

The term "treats" infuriates me for some reason. Something about a 40 year old so-called man talking and thinking like a toddler just infuriates me. I don't know why...doesn't effect my life in the least

[@samheim4306]

Thinking about when Uncle Joey said, “Bert’s so fat I thought he was Chinese.”

[@matthewmercer9017]

P9lpo0p0pop000pp9pp you need to eat the mouth you hear me you understand that 0n 09

[@mrs.h2725]

At 19:30 when he's looking towards the booth boys... the bloat is amazing. He's gonna have an eye go all wonky off to the side from all the ocular pressure eventually.

[@zz3n428]

Uncle Joey's so fat I thought he was Italian.

[@timmyneutron7411]

Do you remember what podcast episode that is from? been looking forever but cant find it

[@logancade342]

Joey the 🐐

[@johng.4711]

Bert is so determined to not die of alcoholism that he’s actively attempting suicide by eating.

[@FaterialL]

death via gluttony

[@toastedjoe1013]

You can get fatty liver disease from being overweight. Either way. his liver doesn't have a chance.

[@zz3n428]

It's like the more he eats the bigger his face gets... it's already huge and seems to be getting larger..

[@goodlove9421]

Have you seen Elon Musk meets Post Malone It’s so goofy and funny!!

[@dr.doppeldecker3832]

@@goodlove9421 you can't get YMH'ers with "goofy and funny" :) You know what's a banana split? Ayayay!

[@coltsummers8233]

I've been trying to live like bert for the last month. I've gained 40 pounds. Got divorced. Got fired. And am now a horrific alcoholic. But I run on treadmill every day with wine. So that's good

[@andrestein6022]

Wait till the bell's palsy kicks in

[@no_nosestill_close8010]

Just come out as fat, live your truth.

[@perrythrust4301]

Drink more Kool-Aid, take a pool shower, you'll be fine.

[@WKRP187]

BUT are you pulling in enough money to buy buddies brand new jetskis for their bday?? Until then you're just a Barf wannabe

[@boofert.washington2499]

He got divorced and fired?

[@D13fs]

Bert "how to ejaculate faster - who the fuck is googling that?" Enny "Josh Potter" 1:13:29 Enny deserves his own show.

[@mezrahmasada5494]

I was at 17:35, skipped to that time stamp to hear that, then immediately after they're still talking about food as if it was an hour ago

[@Rezzito]

I love how much enjoyment Tim gets from Bret slowly dying.

[@auraglasswerks4900]

If I ever see him in the wild I’m gunna catch ‘em n cram a straw up his nose😂 so he’ll have one for his Starbucks

[@ximenafernandez2360]

To be fair, we all are

[@dr.doppeldecker3832]

@@auraglasswerks4900 will you use a metal/glas straw? Otherwise you are just a hypocrite

[@highdef718]

I’m gonna need a tickle-me Enny doll for this holiday season

[@laurentwinsmom4162]

Brilliant merch idea!!

[@theferbie28]

Scrolled to find this one before I looked like a chomo and posted the same thing 👖

[@junkydluffy]

We need everyone to post to make it happen

[@Bcfc4evr1]

Was just gonna comment they need to make a “tickle me Enny” t-shirt lol

[@beforethecutpodcast4330]

This is the easiest check for Tom. He sits there and says 3 words an episode 😂

[@charlottem.1477]

And they come up with great merch ideas.

[@danicalaureeolson]

“I think I’ve been brainwashed when it comes to women’s rights” SPAT MY COFFEE OUT 😂

[@sarahlowell3763]

Lol same! ....but he actually does respect women. He's just tok'd and doesn't know how to speak.

[@mandihollingsworth182]

😂😂😂yup same

[@habowtat3576]

❤️ I turn into a telescope 😍

[@Chris-P]

Bruce's mouth is always watering, ever since he came out of the fridge 😂

[@anthonyzullo]

Underrated comment

[@mandihollingsworth182]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@michaelgoulet9008]

Bruce is like a mad scientist put a dog's brain in a human body and I'm kind of jealous that I will never know half his level of joy in life

[@michaelhenderson643]

"Omg go watch 2 bears 1 cave its the best." "What do they do?" "They. They uh.... like watch gay porn and stuff"

[@Biggleboggles]

You’re not wrong

[@kingbeestacker873]

Lmao. My 21 year old daughter walked in as they started talking about the gay sailors. Then I told her Im watching 2 bears 1 cave and I think she's got a new opinion on me. 😂

[@ryandrumbore8641]

“He’s eating 10,000 calories a day” “This episode is brought to you by Whoop” 😂😂😂😂😂

[@keatonclark3017]

The disappointment in Tom’s voice when bert interrupts him “yeah..”

[@grumpyguss]

Just once I want him to say "Wait, please let me finish". The comments always joke about it but it's seriously so INCREDIBLY rude and he does it at a level I've never seen before.

[@zz3n428]

I think when bert leaves Texas Tom rejoices in silence

[@probablynot879]

when you see tom on other podcasts by himself you see the difference in talent, in terms of conversational skills

[@Harryed81]

These 2 having their own shoe line, is like Porsche releasing a James Dean edition.

[@alexsmith2885]

Why, what happened to James Dean? ;)

[@vandelayindustries6313]

@@alexsmith2885 Dean was a revolutionary Hollywood actor, always ahead of the curve.

[@kingbeestacker873]

Lmao. My 21 year old daughter walked in as they started talking about the gay sailors. Then I told her Im watching 2 bears 1 cave and I think she's got a new opinion on me. 😂

[@zb2584]

🤣🤣🤣

[@michealburns8017]

That whole segment without context is super suss....

[@Beunibster]

@@michealburns8017 with too

[@Muckwickett]

@@Beunibster yeah did barf basically just come out as bisexual

[@sloth5817]

Story of my fuckin life 😂

[@k.c.simonsen2]

Tom genuinely laughing fuckin makes me laugh every time without fail regardless of what he finds funny lol

[@no_one_you_know]

Every time Bert says something outrageous I always wait for Tom's laugh

[@ZBirDEveryday]

This is the most unorganized chaotic podcast conversation. Basically Bert just says what ever pops into his head at the time. But I’m a dedicated fan so I watched the entire thing and I want that new merch for Christmas

[@DigitalDuelist]

Bert reminds me of a beaver that loses the trees before he can finish them so he starts over on a new one.

[@no_one_you_know]

@@DigitalDuelist Jesus christ I don't know why that made me laugh

[@mattcampbell8074]

This is show sets records every week in the “most people watching the rapid demise of an OCD, self induced anxiety ridden, narcissistic, lack of impulse control alcoholic” demographic. Congrats Bruce

[@JBGC916]

Hey, that's a lie! Bert's not a narcissist, he rags on himself to much! Spot on with the rest.

[@421less1]

He has ADHD too for sure

[@BillPairaktaridis]

And Tom's just going "Uh huh" for an hour

[@xanderthurteen]

Yeah think it's all just ADHD

[@421less1]

@@xanderthurteen oh theres some narcissism too. I have ADHD and i get the urge to blurt shit out and cut people off all the time, but being a decent person with minimal social awareness i manage not too most of the time

[@lukewojdylo9241]

Bert: Hooters needs to be trashier. Future Historians: There were countless signs that America's time was over.

[@carlrs15]

the Hooters near where we live had to shut down as part of a legal settlement a few years back, after they over-served a regular patron who proceeded to drive drunk and struck and killed a cop doing DUI checks just up the street. Seems plenty trashy already.

[@PBRHydra420]

@@carlrs15 That happens at every restaurant though that's why most places have a 2 drink minimum and only with food, sucks that the place got shot down because of employee incompetence.

[@joshpointoh]

Bert is the sign

[@KaylixYT]

Man I think about this all the time.

[@tom_mac]

Bert-stage capitalism

[@xdmztryvsvedine2773]

“You know, Nadav… might I suggest coming out as fat?” Brent took a detour just to roast Nadav lol

[@matthewbonvillion8724]

Lol that wasn't roasting nadav. That was Bert taking a jab at himself for making Nadav be his weightloss acountabilibuddy and then coming out as fat.

[@eligolden1729]

The fifth grader sign in the background is my favorite part of Taliban Studios

[@anthonyzullo]

Same here

[@DailyDriftingVirtual]

Brent: Ive been having it every night ..you know...as snacks Tim: "SNACKS?!?" Bruce: "uhhh.. at the end of the night grill 3 steaks" 🥲

[@flyinglow7218]

Dry aged steak for snacks. The level of fat lmaooo

[@MrSteelermania]

Bert's slow spiral out of control will be a great movie when it's over. Hopefully Tom will be able to refine his bert impression and play him in the movie

[@evanodaniel8666]

It’ll be a movie made solely with these podcast conversations

[@V3v15c3r8]

I love how they tell each other they love each other every pod cast. Tom has the patience of a Saint.

[@TheMillerProject27]

Bert realizing that there’s no fat old men🤣🤣🤣

[@kdaddy9229]

I watch this podcast every week, yet every week I’m blown away by how much of a lunatic Bert is. It’s fun to watch but I definitely have mixed emotions about it. As fun as it is to watch we all know that this story doesn’t end well.

[@jamesgilmore69]

I wonder the count on how many times Bert has said "what do you have to do today?" In his life

[@micblaze401]

Sometimes Tom just looks so exhausted doing this podcast lol

[@mcr5645]

Imagine how many crumbs Bert has loaded in his beard at any given moment 😳

[@KZ_MMA_]

When was the last time you think he actually cleaned his beard?

[@triver7593]

He takes plenty of pool baths

[@mcr5645]

@@triver7593 I feel like that adds crust 🤮

[@ericbucio2599]

I legit screamed at the top of my lungs “Can you let him finish?!” at 27:40

[@kstepk5003]

Legit ADD

[@thisisaffy]

Bert: do you want a beer? Tom: no. Bert: why not? its 9 in the morning.

[@jmydn2]

broken clock is right at least twice a day

[@rapfreak7797]

Bart doesn’t realize that he eats raw eggs every times he makes scrambled eggs, it’s called cross-contamination.

[@noprob364]

Bort likes his shits runny just like his eggs

[@deadlyincompetent]

Eggs are sanitary, its the shell thats dirty.

[@squilliam8013]

@@deadlyincompetent I never knew that

[@sergioazevedo4267]

Amazing how Bert managed to go the entire episode without breaking his Joey Diaz impersonation.

[@Biggleboggles]

That was good

[@DJAlexGeorge]

Bert doing an impression of Joey doing an impression of Santa is triple threat genius. Oh no, I mean heart bypass, not threat genius.

[@itssdotagen]

Watchin tom face when bert runs through topics is the reason to love this pod

[@andrestein6022]

Anyone else notice that Tom seems to be slowly nudging Bert towards suicide?

[@alceedus]

bruh the episode dropped 1 second ago

[@collinb3048]

Suicide is badass

[@alastair7095]

@@alceedus I was just thinking that 😂😂😂

[@archibaldcreep1]

Suicide by diabetes

[@mcr5645]

Tom's going to start telling him about how good meth is for weight-loss 🤣 Glassin it in no-time, he's molding his very own fedsmoker

[@TaysGamez]

" i dont need anything , just leeann naked. " True love .

[@Montessoriproductios]

Brent talks, Tom listens. That's it. That's the recipe.

[@MrKhho100]

I love how Bert keeps referring to the guest room as "his room"

[@TheMushroomOfficial]

Thank you to Tom's hands and head for being a part of this podcast :D

[@wadekillman1198]

When I’m having a bad day this podcast always helps…Brett’s self esteem levels make me feel like I’m in a good place mentally.

[@Icedooitle]

Epitome of a rhetorical question... BERT: "Can I ask you?"

[@satchelbagagee]

I’m starting to enjoy toms ad reads bc it’s the only time we hear him talk.

[@MichaelLaFrance1]

Someone needs to have a food safety discussion with Bert.

[@texas11outlaw]

Imagine how genuinely exhausting it would be to be friends with Burnt, I listen to a podcast once a week and I need breaks from him lol

[@matthewbonvillion8724]

I have a friend like this. It's legitimately exhausting, but I love them to death.

[@zb2584]

@@matthewbonvillion8724 I have a friend like Bert minus all the lies..Bert literally lies about everything, I think that is why I don't like Bert..I can take all his stupidity, but the lies are so blatant..

[@nesii9599]

We are watching Bert die in front of our eyes

[@dominicks19]

Horrible or hilarious ? Lol

[@anthonyzullo]

@@dominicks19 can't it be both? This podcast shows that you can laugh at chaos and still be empathetic.

[@dominicks19]

@@anthonyzullo boom ! My empathy doesn’t want it to be hilarious lol but toms reactions are all of us.

[@iamelloyello]

Bert knows he legitimately has SEVERE ADD, right? It's so glaringly apparent.

[@etienne4477]

early gannnng

[@GarthFodder]

Thank you Nadav for toning down the laugh screams. This episode was amazing!

[@codydillard8918]

Kids have been sick for almost a week, coughing every few breaths. Needed this. Gonna be a long day at work... 🤓

[@howyanow1993]

Hope they feel better soon man!

[@Z-pizzle23]

Keep em high n tight bud they'll get thru n so will you!! Hope they get better soon Ayeyaaayaaaaaaaa

[@bradyfrank3839]

I would love an episode where they switch roles and Tom just interrupts all episode 🤣

[@ramonnunez9484]

If they did it would be as good as the dance Tom did

[@Omnicide13]

Feel like this is Brett's life deteriorating mentally and physically, while coming to terms with his bisexuality to eventually just gay lol

[@michealburns8017]

He's getting really close to coming out as more than fat!

[@raisingradicals5564]

Bert... I say this with love. You are going to be too amazing of a Grandpa to eat and drink yourself into an early grave. Don't miss out on watching the next generation grow up, spoiling them, taking them jet skiing etc... ❤

[@violentmeadow]

Brent's conscious thoughts are frightening enough, I'm not sure I need to hear about his dreams

[@JacobEaves]

I love how they don’t even ask nadav about sex lmao

[@drmojo5439]

The look on Burt's face when Tom tells him to enjoy the whole sexual experience: foreplay, etc (1:18:42). Best part of the entire podcast, and it was a great podcast to begin with

[@puppy_helmet9206]

I like how I started watching this pod cuz I enjoy both comedians and now I just watch to see how far tommy can push Bert into saying something he shouldn't xp

[@davidlloydmiller]

Kicking off my week right with this show. Get some!

[@wutflex]

If you just pretend Tom is a therapist and Bert is a patient this Podcast is suddenly becomes a lot more funny because it makes a lot more sense 🤣

[@LivingOutloudWithAshleyStone]

Best way to start my day... two bears🥰🥰🥰

[@SniperarrowX]

31:49 "You're way more of a bear than I am, I'm more of a cub." -Says the grizzly sized man.

[@18Callahan]

We get hungover Bert… again. Bert definitely has steak in his back teeth and his wheezing getting worse.

[@evanodaniel8666]

I feel like we’re watching the slow decline of berts health

[@stevenarmstrong5364]

@@evanodaniel8666 that's because we are

[@evanodaniel8666]

@@stevenarmstrong5364 very true

[@drinkwater137]

His teeth look like organic corn on the cob

[@jofisha]

Why are you watching ? You don’t have anything else to say? You can always listen to other podcasts with people you like

[@TheNinjaBees]

I’d love a 2 Bears Beanie design!

[@tristankrohn2942]

I actually appreciate nadav's forced hard laughs. Just like on the big bang theory and 2.5 men I know when I'm supposed to laugh now. Thanks for the help

[@rewcalYT]

This but unironically.

[@Cyxz666]

it's how he earns his paycheck since he's a 2 brain cell tiktok when it comes to researching things

[@WildBillyGardening]

I appreciated it at first. Now it makes me think he probably laughs this loud all day at the worse knock knock joke. It literally has sitcom timing

[@sarahlowell3763]

@@Cyxz666 he was on it for the fetish vs preference search though and it's Paddy now guys cmon

[@nicholaspietrzak9992]

Bert is really starting to look like the guy from Tom’s music video.

[@billzor5831]

Holy shit Tom's face after Bart said the one couple drugged their kids and did all the positions in one night was fucking gold 😂

[@mjsudela]

T -"Now you know what?" B- "You know what I was thinking"

[@HighTher3]

42:09 isolate this, Paddy. In case you need a pat on the back and a round of applause.

[@ZombieJohnny117]

The look on Berts face when he’s told to he can enjoy foreplay instead of just trying to come is priceless

[@UFCresultsweekly]

Bert has a legit santa face

[@acc.x.cc.x9888]

Bruce-"Type in navy naked pictures" Tim-"This is what you love?" Bret-"Yeah I love this" 😂😂

[@baconator9043]

I wonder if Brent is aware that ice has a tendency to decrease in size as time progresses?

[@CJJC42]

When Bert doesn’t know what to say he just makes up a dream

[@madera100]

These legit make me happy every Monday , love you guys . Keep doing the damn thing.

[@evfields24]

Bert singing the grumpy old troll about Leeann LMAO

[@thokim84]

So next year Brett is going to start his own my 600 pound life show.

[@ScottDScottD]

Episodes are just getting better and better!

[@mcr5645]

Lmao normal people don't have these problems eating meat 🤣 Why would you keep eating those steaks if they made you feel sick and shit your pants 🤦 I love this podcast.

[@Cyxz666]

because eating steaks makes you a man obviously

[@RoaroftheTiger]

Back in the 1960's and before; If You had a Swimming Pool in your NYC High School. You were required to have at least One Year of Swimming. But You were required to be 100% Naked. LOL

[@jpjapers]

These podcasts week on week are devolving into watching a spiralling bert get closer and closer to an intervention.

[@blakeywawa]

100%

[@anthonyzullo]

By the end of last year I realized that every episode is an attempted intervention lol

[@zackerick4753]

7:01 Tim's laughter is his way of coping, and coming to terms with the fact that his best friend is on the verge of death

[@aaronpaul9620]

This podcast has become insufferable. I used to wait for it to come out now I can hardly make it through.

[@ZaydaPhiKnight]

I hate to admit it, but I agree. It has become too Bert focused. I wish he and Tom would actually discuss topics and stuff. It just Bert interrupting him throughout the show. It was funny when I first started noticing it but its runnig dry

[@MrSandmanatee]

They never seen to flesh out the topics. Instead they just bounce around between a dozen different things at once while Bart just says whatever is on his mind. Makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.

[@scarymsmary]

@@ZaydaPhiKnight I thought they actually had some decent back & forth in the latter half when they were talking fetish/BDSM stuff.

[@TylerCrossWrestling]

Bert looks EXACTLY like what Santa Claus would look like if he was from Florida.

[@KittenBones]

it's amazing that LeeAnn literally read a book on how to please men sexually while Bert doesn't know what foreplay is for

[@AX-tt1od]

Thank you so much Bert, Tim Horton lids

[@milo4ever]

Bert , hooters does have fast casual restaurants. They are called hoot’s. They are smaller restaurants that have a limited menu, basically just wings , chicken sandwiches , burgers . And you order at the counter and the employees do not wear skimpy outfits

[@Digitalspectrumvideoweddings]

Bert Kersher is the only person I've ever heard say "razzle dazzle". Not only that, he uses it every podcast atleast once or twice.

[@BryceLK]

I want to see Bert and SteebeeWeebee host an episode together and just watch it burn.

[@Aragedie]

I think Tom and Bert should do a live show at a Bear convention. It would be incredible!

[@HolographicSweater]

it’s pretty crazy that soon we’ll look at this as “back when Bert was thin”

[@alceedus]

Good morning jeans!

[@mahlonpatterson6883]

Beet is the only guy that can go from “I love when my wife wants to fuck me” to “do your kids watch Dora the Explorer?” With only one sentence in between the two statements.

[@atilathebum]

A single celled organism just literally falls apart. Like a lego structure that gives up. No real notice before hand. Just aburptly becomes Thanos dust. That's how I see Bert going out based on these last few podcasts.

[@charlottem.1477]

There’s a video of exactly that. It’s about 2 mins long. Bert will either go as you said, or with a bunch of broken bones and blood