Ep. 14 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@AOCFarted]

“When you drink like I do, you run into a lot of alcoholics.” -Bert Kreischer

[@Zesrii]

😬

[@hi_tech_reptiles]

Bert and Tom are like girls who live together. They are on the same cycle with their specials and touring. Theyve synced up.

[@calska140]

Ha ha I can just see them on a bad period day sitting on a couch cross-legged in pajamas pants eating a huge thing of ice cream crying and watching the notebook

[@JuiceTubes]

Who synced to who? (who is the dominant?)

[@slashertrav]

Austin Jones Tom is clearly the dom here. Bert has to be constantly reassured that he has friends.

[@nicholasdumont7115]

They should do a new season of Fear Factor w/ Joe hosting, & Bert, Tom, and Ari as the only contestants for every episode.

[@LuiBC3]

That would be great but Fear Factor has already been rebooted, Ludacris is the host. But they should definitely do a spoof

[@canemaltbie6887]

Nicholas Dumont This would be the best thing ever

[@puddspudds5102]

I literally LOVE this idea ..f in genius

[@mcimdm.m.m7074]

😂😂😂

[@Tetsu-Tha_6th_Man]

GENIUS

[@FluffyHarmlessKitten]

I'm convinced 50% of this show is Bert saying something insane while Tom looks to camera to see if anyone else is hearing this shit lol

[@garrettgriffin3877]

The other 50% is a cartoon villain cackling the background

[@Jacob-zy5cl]

Bert: I don't thing I've wronged anyone. Literally has a story about robbing an entire train

[@Beunibster]

That was ok because he learned how to say bread in Russian

[@roachdoggjr8808]

@@Beunibster right it was a learning experience

[@outsidestudiog6483]

It's okay, he robbed himself too

[@outsidestudiog6483]

@@Beunibster Sil! Cheese!

[@TRKTKO]

Fuck them that was Russia lol

[@blakestallings9251]

Every cut to Johnny Deep he’s buying a different scarf.

[@VideoNozoki]

While fucking a different model that is hotter than his ex-wife. (or secretly importing small dogs into Australia)

[@kyle.teedubs]

That is a legitimately the funniest suggestion.

[@kirafaith8581]

I would watch that movie in a heartbeat holy shit

[@logicomamk2848]

And filmed like Curb your enthusiasm.

[@JasmineBoothe1]

Blake Stallings or a new bracelet. That man has a lot of accessories

[@icecoldchilipreppers]

This pod crept up on me and now is 100% my favourite one. I legit must watch immediately.

[@Varcieh]

M H Same here. Anything else can wait

[@gonzodelphiki2083]

You're def not alone. I look forward to it every other Monday. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me. It was nice to have them weekly in October, and I wish they went a little longer each episode if they stick with twice a month. But I laugh harder at 2B1C than I do at almost any other cast. You can just tell that these guys are real friends and they enjoy being together on or off the mic. I can totally see them having very similar conversations without anyone else listening, kinda like Bert said in this ep. I totally think there is an audience for a weekly or more show, but at the same time it makes each ep better after having to wait (kinda like Disney+ making us wait a week at a time for The Mando).

[@icecoldchilipreppers]

@@gonzodelphiki2083 I couldnt agree more, I enjoy the anticipation!

[@mrguy561]

Bert: "Is this blood?" Tom: _sweats profusely_

[@JeEnYuS504]

WHERE ARE THE BODIES, TOM?

[@Keres8096]

He never answered!

[@TheRealBWasion]

Bert reading an ad for knives after Tom’s dance video is poetic justice.

[@AM-ng5ph]

Tom's look of shame as bert sounds like a robot reading

[@saades4018]

He sounds like he's almost always out of breath

[@Bravebaker]

Bert is making it too obvious now. The lightning bolt on the hat is clearly SS

[@KK-pd3rg]

no it isnt you fool

[@Bravebaker]

Flygirl Firefly oh I must’ve been mistaken.

[@Bravebaker]

TheSuperstoner4200 too stoned to detect a joke?

[@ThReverend6661]

TheSuperstoner4200 you must not know what he’s talking about you fuckin tool

[@rasmussyrjala1370]

@TheSuperstoner4200 oh, so you are a nazi?

[@xiTom1876]

Bert has a constant inner monologue telling him hes not an alcoholic

[@josef2012]

"It's not that bad,not that bad,that's okay,right??....I'm fine...."

[@eddieharman3650]

most alcoholics do. lol

[@rogerwilco1777]

I mean vodka looks like water and is a russian word for 'little water' so that means Bert is the true water champ

[@9AJW4]

& telling him that he's a good person.

[@jstrangepork]

100% he's in total denial. And all of his friends, except for Drew, THE DOCTOR, are enabling the hell out of him.

[@sirachasugar]

Tom: I’ve been cooking like a black guy for like 47 years

[@jakrispy3418]

I've been flying helicopters for like 37 years lol

[@royceisthebestrapper7686]

Lmaoo the callback king 😂😂

[@spudruckus7297]

Love the new Wild Bear clips at the intro! ❤️😂🐻

[@VSillars]

Bert: Drew says I'm not an alcoholic Drew: Oh, he 100% has fatty liver disease from being an alcoholic.

[@commentetiquettestudent1788]

The moment Tommy buns started laughing at Bert ad read, made me fall from the chair 😂

[@Chadhelder09]

This pod cast makes me laugh more then anything I have ever saw on the web. They actually give great advice. Its literally therapy

[@matthewminard4112]

I want that Johnny Depp movie to happen so bad 😂

[@nobodymr2146]

What’s your tik tok

[@clipsedrag13]

@@nobodymr2146 bahahhaa

[@Paintballman251]

It sounds fucking awesome!

[@samstucky9984]

Same

[@illestmortal]

Its a really good idea tbh

[@harrisoncouch1]

Everyone needs a friend like Bert! And everyone needs a friendship with someone like Bert and Tom have...love you guys. Hope ya'll have a Merry Christmas

[@craig7021]

"looks like the opening to a gay porn i'd sit through" These two really are best friends. Only best friends can joke like this and it still almost seem wholesome lmao.

[@gippycuntbhg4435]

joke? did you really lmao at them?

[@craig7021]

@@gippycuntbhg4435 not figuratively ofc, but i laughed pretty hard. hard enough i felt the need to express it with a "lmao".

[@josephessi]

The level of conversation they have has made this my favorite podcast.. so thankful fellas

[@joshuabees8818]

Tom having Bert do "impressions" is just adding to Tom's deep fake library to glean from.

[@metalligeek093]

Joshua Bees you can see his schemes on his face when Bert’s doin them lmao

[@wotwot5212]

If you look close enough you can even see all the strings above Bert being pulled controlling his every motion

[@joshuabees8818]

@@metalligeek093 I know, right?! Tom keeps glancing at the camera as if to say, "I'm getting all this. Are you getting this?"

[@carlosromero4243]

I know Bert doesn't see that lmao 😂

[@davidpuletz]

Joshua Bees i think this whole podcast is just a way for tom to capture all of berts data. and then having him switch sides. now theyre getting the more side angles sitting face to face. lol

[@trevormotsinger3317]

I really appreciate this episode from dealing with addiction and coming to reality of acceptance... yall really hit me with strength of keeping up with my sobriety and how I deal with people I dealt with from my past. Thank you Bert and Tom.

[@m92quad55]

We need to get that medicine ball shower crying scene into the Johnny Depp movie

[@kewleodobop]

Absolutely

[@rafaeltiano]

bert needs to get stabbed in the film too

[@Christopher-md7tf]

@@rafaeltiano How about in every city, he gets stabbed by somebody else for different reasons 😁

[@mjhb2]

I'm glad you brought up "This is Not Happening." That was the first time I'd watched Tom. So hilarious!

[@andersonash9059]

The idea of Sebastian as the voice of an animated animal is superb. He’d kill.

[@antwanc.6099]

1:12:40 - Onward. One of the most genuine conversations I've heard in a while. Damn, I love this show!

[@Ramboskates85]

One day bert is going to come home to a naked stalker in his bath tub. I mean swimming pool. 😂

[@MissD934]

That is hilarious!!

[@obbah1818]

That Sam Adams beer must be bad if Bert doesn't even want to drink it

[@nilesplautz2821]

Love everything you guys do separate and together. Thanks for sharing your lifes and entertaining the masses

[@Willitshred]

please make this a weekly podcast i love tum saguntra and bort chrystler

[@zeldanator71]

I like when Bert explains that he's a functioning alcoholic without saying he's an alcoholic.

[@TheNerindil]

Your daughter is smart, Bert. Ari did what he did, from my perspective, because he THOUGHT you were weak. Then this October thing came up and it turned out that not only are you not weak, but you’re stronger than him. So he had to sabotage it. When someone tells you they’re a scumbag, believe them.

[@1ChrisNeedsMoney1]

Never stop laughing background guys. 😂😂😂

[@garrettgriffin3877]

I know. It sounds like a cartoon villain is in the next room

[@cloud_monkey422]

I can’t believe this is the 14th episode already.

[@theacp6687]

Ok in every episode I love your friendship but listening to you guys talk business and the genuine affection you seem to have - I really enjoy. Already love both your stand up but this is just extra niceness

[@laurenfulgham4121]

I love how Bert’s snorting sleep apnea makes its way into the waking world from time to time.

[@AFatOcelot]

This is my favorite podcast now haha I look forward to it every week

[@WhiskeyZebra]

Bert doing impressions, only to find out that will be the audio dubbed into Tom's next video.

[@austinarnold155]

It's just to easy

[@terrybird993]

it's crazy how many comments I've seen that spelled “too” incorrectly... it's baffling.

[@melroser]

Terry Bird This is why no one likes you at parties.

[@anthonycaruso6396]

You guys are serious examples to me and to hear you guys talk about gratitude and surrounding yourself with “clean laundry” seriously put me right today. Please don’t be shy putting content like that up. #2bears Pioneers.

[@dmanm85]

I just got immediately happy when i saw this in my subs.

[@Adam-nw8um]

This is the best podcast on KZbin right now. Don't ever change.

[@JDeezy10]

I don’t know who that guy is in the background who’s always laughing but I find it hilarious for some reason.

[@DeltaTempest]

this podcast is the gift that keeps on giving

[@johnperish]

Young Bert looks like Doug Stanhope with an extra chromosome.

[@gp2860]

Young Stanhope looked pretty fucked up himself

[@hydrangeadays]

Bert's laugh makes me so happy. Thanks for a great podcast, Guys.

[@IvorKC3]

"186lbs..... I'll be down there in December" Mmmkay👍

[@iancarroll6170]

Ivor Christiansen he only has 186lbs to go

[@jeremymigneault1690]

Lol same reaction....

[@loadbarone]

dont tell Burnt Chrysler his movie idea is called,Get him to the greek mixed w tommy boy

[@planecrashcorner7283]

Bert still doesnt know that hat is a grateful dead hat... nobody tell him

[@PooNagoo]

J C came to say berts a dead head? Lol but I know he likes wsp...but that makes more sense hahah

[@booognish]

J C nah man it’s half a nazi SS

[@planecrashcorner7283]

@@booognish oh shiiit, bert likes the hat because its the closest he can get to wearing actually nazi stuff... what a fucking piece of shit

[@joergie6008]

That’s the first thing I noticed , lol. Keep on Truckin’ Bert

[@aKjohn8798]

Bert takes MDMA one time and becomes a deadhead ffs

[@saramariewheeler9304]

Ari "He may be a bad person, but he's a good guy" Shaffir

[@Dud3itsj3ff]

Sara Marie Wheeler honestly describes him perfectly

[@shenbeuv2616]

@@Dud3itsj3ff nah

[@brettcarpenter1448]

He’s a garbage person.

[@kmddx7428]

Bert: I'm one of the most vindictive human beings alive. Tom's eyes: You got that clip, right?

[@NyxaGrayheart]

omg this is one of the best podcasts right now for the fans

[@nates1414]

Bert: I don't apologize to anyone. Also Bert: Leeanne dumped me and I apologized to everyone.

[@Christopher-md7tf]

It's so crazy how little self-awareness he has 😂

[@Keres8096]

@@Christopher-md7tf show a lil self awareness - Burnt Greeseler

[@aidanthames8452]

This is it. This is my favorite episode so far.

[@shawnmcvey7789]

When Bert's reading it looks like he's closing his eyes to make a wish.

[@scabbynack]

I thought he didn't know how to spell Cave for a second during that ad read

[@shagginwagon8447]

He was wishing, that he wasnt reading.

[@madecl21]

His wish was to learn how to really read

[@joanncaribbeanfan4505]

I believe Bill Burr's wife, The Lovely Nia is teaching them both to read along with their toddler. read

[@BXBZ88]

Doing his "Racist Asian" impression for the Ad............

[@SparePartsBud]

1: Hands down this has become my number 1 podcast. 2: Tom & Bert movie NEEDS to happen.

[@iwritecreepystories7109]

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” Well, stop drinking, Bart.

[@m47t84]

The crew in the back laughing always gets me hahaha it's hilarious

[@bennetcatchpole]

I mean Hannah stockings not funny, but Bert wants her to like him lol

[@jackson603]

This is the only thing keeping me alive in quarantine

[@austinlavin3455]

"I mean, I love seeing people get hurt" -Serial Killer Tom Segura

[@notmyrealname2530]

God Bless you both in the Name of Jesus Christ, you are an example of how to treat your brother as yourself. A joyful thing to hear when someone is grateful for all things the Lord has done for them.

[@joshburton5724]

Bert and Tom in a 2020 version of Tommy boy/the hangover sounds amazing

[@bryanezambrana8885]

I love you Bert & Tom both. Keep it going please!

[@fuzzguts]

These episodes are far less offensive than the early ones, I'm offended

[@couchman-sw6jy]

Fuzz Guts Recordings it’s because they’re facing each other. When they were facing forward it put a veil between the humanity of it.

[@coomsicle]

that's what happens when you get 5 minutes worth of sponsors. they be like "hey maybe don't be racist or we're gonna cut funding" and Bert has no choice but to begrudgingly accept

[@TrippyTheShroom]

Man, the more I see these podcasts and see how Bert actually is when he calms down, like around the 1 hour mark, really makes me appreciate him and Tom. Both seem like genuine guys and good people.

[@orenthalsimpson]

This whole episode is just Bert trying to convince himself he's not an alcoholic.

[@colemcwilliams95]

Orenthal Simpson isn’t that every episode

[@BrandonGiordano]

@@colemcwilliams95 dammit you beat me to the joke. GG

[@jmart1079]

It's actually getting hard to watch for me :/

[@ClimptonDiddlehopper]

That's Burnts daily deal trying convince himself and people who dont know who he is hes not an alky

[@clipsedrag13]

@@jmart1079 it is getting hard to watch. other addicts see right through it

[@MrSNARFSNARF]

You guys deserve everything and more. You guys and your wives make me and many more laugh. Your sence of humor is just like mine and that's what drew me to you both. I hope you guys continue to strive and do great in your lives!!!

[@RepairmanJack91]

Was going to head to work but now I can call in sick nice!!

[@fannymccracken6385]

Best epidide yet. I love the honesty

[@dntgvafuk89]

Tom "I cook like a black guy" Segura

[@emiliobaez7075]

Please someone clip this

[@SheriffHotSauce]

You guys Gotta make that movie! Please!

[@joemade7071]

Watching this episode again and I’m in shock. Bert actually is convinced that Hannah stocking is a funny person. A piece of me just died inside

[@psychedtraveler6611]

Tbh. It just seemed like he was just trying to be positive and not talk shit.

[@jonloc8535]

I love the new intro video for the theme song that's so perfect for this show

[@bdixmusic]

Curt's old voice is basically a perfect Kermit and I love it.

[@jesperhjensen1978]

finally!the Fuhrer of funny and his best friend podcasting. was getting worried it was over since there was no episode last week

[@OutlierConcepts]

1:13:40 "So after you're done, theres this huge flood of emotions" Tom: "what's emotions. Is it a type of bourbon?"

[@zinjanthropus9778]

I love this podcast, the best of both worlds. Joe and Bert😱♥️♥️

[@RicoSwarthy999]

Johnny Depp roadtrip movie starring Tommy Buns and Burnt Chrysler... Please mommys do everything you can to make this one happen.

[@Stefonthadon]

The guys laughing in the back make things even funnier

[@wonkeycong1956]

Suggested title for Berts movie: Tears and Bloating in Las Vegas 😢 🍸

[@sherm_stick]

good jobs getting the show to a sustainable level, it looks like fun but I can tell its some hard work. Well done boyz

[@professorpancakes6545]

Bert going on about alcoholics as if he isn't one lol

[@booognish]

Best podcast ever.

[@rayraymondyglass4208]

Hahahahaha burnt has a “John Mayer” hat. Great job burnt Chrysler... 👏👏👏

[@itzark7934]

At 15:08 tom and berts head align perfectly

[@madecl21]

If Saatva really had 5 star mattresses, they would have made Tom's dream bed from Disgraceful already

[@daltonferguson9320]

This

[@isaacmcintyre5997]

The way he looks at the camera when he says I love watching people get hurt 10:05

[@akaviradawn9175]

😅😅

[@Kbwintyy]

Petition to also crowd fund the animated show “Sebastian and His Parrot”

[@nintendoROX121]

"Sebastian and Pasquale"

[@Kbwintyy]

pablo escavez I like where this is going

[@gtrriffs]

@@Kbwintyy the parrot has arie shaffir nose instead of a beak

[@Kbwintyy]

songs for the deaf. Lol

[@brandonshank8266]

Do I sign here or

[@ThaChildishOne]

“I make omelets like a black man” Tom Segura

[@alexwarren5774]

Man, Bert really let himself go since appearing in that Segura dance video.

[@eddieharman3650]

I know right? He looked much healthier then.

[@ericshuty2564]

Surviving a brutal stabbing like that changes a man. Haunts him. We are watching the fallout from that fateful day.

[@rootintootin5167]

God damn, bert is so fucking fat.

[@lizardywizard]

@@ericshuty2564 he just appears a drawn, empty husk of the (admittedly racist) man he was before the attack. Except the facial bloating of course, appears to be reacting to a peanut allergy? DJ DadMouth planning to prank Burnt again, the tech he is going to employ would, 5 years ago have cost a studio millions. These guys are giving extra pleasure beyond their comedy shows and apart from Berts racism, I love it!

[@K9_50Cal]

Hahaha

[@donno1970]

You need to get Kevin Smith to direct your movie, he knows all about self funded movies. He also knows Johnny Depp.

[@shastu2722]

Why does Burt look like he was stung by 1000 bees

[@biguprochester]

That hangover tho

[@dakotaspruell1083]

Cause he got hungry and ate the honey out of a bee hive

[@StanleyKubick1]

sober october is over

[@jmart1079]

The bee's name is Tito

[@chrism45]

Poor diet and alcohol

[@wishnewsky]

Epic Bear Footage for an intro!!! ROFL I woke up my family laughing

[@jakobdekonink1591]

So early, so excited that I'M HAVING CHEST PAINS!

[@tommym7321]

It's nice of Tom to let Margaret Cho sit in on this episode, I didn't even miss Bert

[@JamesWilliams-dz5tn]

Tommy M she’s really let herself go

[@cillianwallace_]

Bert quit the Hannah Stocking stuff Bert, she's anti-funny

[@THEMMAJUNKIES]

Thank you!!!!

[@MarioGarcia-px8xi]

I never thought I'd hear someone call her funny lol

[@willlpatterson7723]

The synchronized sip is why I watch this

[@Samschwab10]

Bring back the old set up! It’s so much better to see you guys in one shot rather than these adhd screen cuts

[@VideoNozoki]

The switching back-and-forth every time they speak is terrible. Really wish they'd use the old set-up, wide shot.

[@DepthFromAbove]

The old setup was thrown out. This is the set for 2 other podcasts. It’s not coming back.

[@jamesdean0688]

Saw him at the Ha Ha last week and it was sooo good!! Can’t wait to go again

[@MRnaganalf]

Bert: is this blood? Moment of silence Off screen: Nope Back to conversation 🤣🤣

[@jinxjones5497]

Bert's laugh rocks. So contagious