Ep. 34 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@jsmith17ful]

I knew the homeless problem in California was getting bad, but for Tom to bring one on as co-host is really generous during these tough times.

[@moonlightfilms5279]

At least we don't have to smell him

[@jimothyj2638]

Seriously, and massive props to Tom for sitting near this man for a whole hour without vomiting from the stench

[@23Eulogy23]

The podcast is really going downhill... inviting these stinky ass hobos? Fer real.. get it together Mystic Rick ... I thought you were the best and did the best sex... Disappointed

[@DiegoAlvarez-lf8us]

Obviously has an owner. VERY well fed.

[@BrendanBrown1]

Just because he smells like skidrow doesn't mean he lives on it.

[@shawnmcvey7789]

*I'm so proud of Bert for saying he won't shower inside until there's wide scale police reform*

[@svhmj3918]

Damn. Bert must have been protesting for years now. There is no other explanation.

[@EvanSaltare]

How are we going to hold him to it? We need a strategy for ensuring that he follows through.

[@boofert.washington2499]

He's gonna grow moss on his taint.

[@EvanSaltare]

@@boofert.washington2499 Hell yeah. That's how we'll know. We need to measure the growth periodically.

[@pildp1]

STANK BURTS MATTER

[@RDSwords]

It's convenient that Bert carries a bottle of pool water so that he can freshen up on the go.

[@gregoryturner9530]

if that's the whores bath he takes before fucking his dog, poor doggo

[@jaredfrosburg]

Lol

[@peristau]

XD

[@liladanhernandez]

😂 I'm deceased

[@zachwalter2650]

This comment is fucking hilarious

[@LargoRicardo]

"I just need like five beers, or like a bottle of wine and that's it, I'm fine." Today's episode is brought to you by denial.

[@brockwatterson9708]

Only 600 to 750 calories of drinks! Good job, Bert!

[@MrKorolj3000]

This hits deep

[@sethbaus]

It’s all about keeping the stasis.

[@ceetee007]

By the way he drinks 2000 cal a like bottle. I admire his endurance

[@masonhurley2328]

Again, let’s remember that 5 beers or 1 entire bottle of wine is not drinking

[@EMPbeavith]

Being stoned and listening to someone describe eating a freshly baked cookie is like being waterboarded

[@angelgutierrez8215]

Tom looks into the camera like he's in an episode of the office 😂

[@justinforrester3172]

It’s like a mocumentary of berts life

[@synatiousd247]

43:47 His face got me weak asf

[@JaimeeJam]

My favourite thing!

[@rixxey2048]

Bert lost his virginity while watching Pet Cemetery? That explains a lot.

[@glenndowdle1434]

That road right thar, ya don't wanna go down that road right thar

[@georgegebonicks7577]

Why cause he smells like a dead animal?

[@granddillz]

Pet Cemetery gets me hard as hell

[@cmears76]

P Cems turns me into a telescope #BlowLoads

[@RyanJamesDuffy]

In this episode: Bert compares losing his hair to being diagnosed with cancer.

[@stuartthomas94]

"I've never had this horrifying experience but I'm going to equate it a painless, typical aging process of adult males."

[@KB24FOREVER8]

he called losing his hair his first run-in with mortality lmfaooo

[@laurav19]

A comment about hair, Ryan? Really?

[@mattweizhongxian7238]

Thanks for the warning lol

[@crazyjoedavola5430]

Losing your hair in your mid to late 20's is fairly terrifying and traumatic....

[@cobytucker6521]

It always feels like this is Tom's podcast with Bert as a reoccurring guest.

[@kratoids]

watching him just egg bert on and manipulate him is the best.

[@imjustapancake3188]

@@kratoids Awwww man, this comment is kinda sad

[@deansilva8401]

How? Bert never let's tom talk

[@maggot-swarm8950]

Never get rid of that guy in the background laughing, he gives me life

[@slamminsammy941]

Which guy is it that always laughs in the background? Is it nadav or someone else ?

[@nunpho]

@@slamminsammy941 yeah it's Nadav

[@Standingsixfive]

He is the Goat.. 2nd place is dude on 85 south then Lee on Uncle Joey

[@kdoeone]

He gone now.

[@tonythatigger9782]

@@kdoeone wdym?

[@EastboundAndDowns]

Bert is literally the "4 cheeseburgers, a Big Mac, and a Diet Coke" guy.

[@beast0283]

You forgot large fries

[@MarlowWhere]

Oh well thank God for the DIET COKE

[@_JS96]

@hhwhitewolf009 aspartame, acesulfame potassium, and other artificial sweeteners aren't digested. That's the point. Sugar is calorically dense, so it avoids an extra (easily) 200 calories in a large drink alone. But, on the other hand, sugar and protein are 4 calories per gram, and fat is 9 calories per gram. Knocking off one cheeseburger would do more than swapping to a diet drink.

[@spLiffyFOUR20]

You don't say? What made you come to that genius conclusion? Was it when *he said* he got 4 cheeseburgers a big Mac, fries and a Coke?... Idk how you did it.

[@lanebingo]

Jonah St-François ok einstein

[@alexsmith2885]

Bert without a hat looks like my Uncle that isnt allowed to come over anymore

[@fuzzydunlop1988]

Uncle with benefits?

[@MissBlueEyeliner]

I laughed so hard! Thank you 😂

[@Wandering_Chemist]

Is there something you need to let out?

[@Osirus116]

When Bert started talking about the wind I swear to god I thought he was going to say he is taking wind showers now that blow the dirt off of him

[@Noneofyourbyisness]

Lmaoo 😅😅 Yall always expect the worst from this man.

[@milo8796]

Wind showers. That’s funny man.

[@bloodyredsin]

Now that Bert has come clean about his dogs we finally know that Priscilla didn't have knee surgeries from having to sustain just her own weight but his as well

[@BoopieNoodle]

This comment 😂😂😂

[@verystablegenius4994]

I feel like all the podcasts Bert does are for his friends to keep an eye on him

[@andrewthompson6304]

Every one he does is the Bert Victim hour.

[@pettypoliceman2922]

I think it's actually called a low effort money grab.

[@apachenut]

Hey Bert, my beagle wants to know when you’re gonna call her back

[@VideoNozoki]

He's only into boy dogs. (I think it is the pegging and the sucking it off.) Maybe your beagle was during his experimental phase; must be pretty old by now.

[@omutrog8738]

As soon as I saw Bort without the hat, an unimaginable smell filled my nostrils.

[@Awesometrax]

Chlorine?

[@garybierman1621]

My son is also named Bort

[@CaliKidHooligun]

😂😂😂

[@SkylerGrahamHenry]

I met Bart after a show once. He really didn’t smell that bad to me... just a slight odor of peanut butter and wet dog

[@jimmyluffnin1297]

Lol

[@richliving1619]

Looool

[@Saul-Goodman84]

Was his pants zipper down?? Thats probably why

[@blake_pieroni]

pool showers ftw

[@GeekFactor]

Bert's laugh at 17:33 is probably what Garth's victims heard when they asked "Can I go home?"

[@Banksy793]

When Bert said, "how does a UTI work? does a doctor shove it up there" tears started streaming down my face😁😁

[@Etherealis1021]

Why does Bert look like he'd be sticky to the touch

[@0mally333]

I'm sure he is

[@josh8161]

Like the top of a bar

[@supernovamimosa]

because of all the gay bukkake he participates in

[@kanestr]

I mean...What dog fucker do you know that isn't a bit sticky?

[@danielstone9978]

@@josh8161 or the floor in the bar

[@BigbyOShaunessy]

Burnt Chrysler: Who makes 12 cookies? Everyone: The same girl who only wants a small fries.

[@stuartthomas94]

its like he's shocked that a small girl doesn't have the same appetite as him. 😆 no kidding bert

[@emergencyexit3967]

Bert the conqueror's most difficult challenge- maintain hygiene standards.

[@kylegrey5083]

Hearing the laughter in the background is one of the best part of the podcasts gets me laughing everytime 😂

[@adampenley798]

I am so grateful for these podcasts, it's all I've been listening while recovering from my second vaccine

[@kevinsmith205]

Bert wants the self control he has with drinking that he does for food. And toms stare into the face like he was Jim in The Office says it all

[@themod6228]

Thought exactly the same thing fella 👍

[@wtfpwnz0red]

"I haven't showered today." Yeah, Bert, we can smell you from here

[@Nick-ds6oc]

Bert's homegrown weed is what he worries will give him headaches?!

[@DelightfulDissident]

Fr that made me sad to hear. Such a waste.

[@ethanunderwood1189]

Thank God someone else thought this lol what an asshat

[@jjthesavage]

Maybe some bathwater (pool) got in there.

[@Theswitchy1]

Doesn't want a headache yet drinks a whole bottle of wine during the day lol

[@sweetbabyrick5382]

He said he was growing it for a year. It would’ve just been clumps of mould attached by stems.

[@BFSearle]

"I can not drink... I can have 5 beers and thats it!"

[@bignatedegg56]

I watched Tom's dance video again yesterday... The girls at the beginning said Bert smells bad... I feel Tom had this in mind for a while 🤣

[@bigslim5305]

The way Tom convinces Bert of shit reminds me of The Other Guys doing a desk pop

[@kdoeone]

My favorite movie

[@todd.howard]

Is that not a real thing??

[@DatNygma]

Seriously underrated comment 😂

[@johnpeterson2335]

Fav movie Eva!

[@1standTunaPodcast]

“There were so few cookies, there was only like 12.” How has Bert survived life so far?

[@jinzokan3499]

There are shows about people who are over 600lbs and keep eating... Do the math

[@kevinavelar3284]

He also ate four cheeseburgers, a Big Mac, and fries in a sitting. I honestly don’t know how he hadn’t had at least four heart attacks.

[@stephsaguudefan1753]

To be fair, i don't even know how you would find a recipe that only makes 12. The one on a nestle bag of chips makes 2 to 3 dozen and i usually double it so we'll have cookies for me, my husband, and my mom for more than just 3 hours

[@SiZzLePoPPiN]

Bert looks like a Troll doll, who tried to feather it, while he was drunk on moonshine.

[@theraginggam3r679]

We just going to brush past the fact that they did a plug for BMW? 😂

[@lilralphie9037]

was that real?? "Its not a porsche, but its fucking pretty good!"

[@PapaStink]

Lil Ralphie nah they prob didn’t have a sponsor this episode and we’re doin a joke

[@DaMaGinGWaRLorD]

They also did one for steak so I failed to see the excitement

[@daytonbailey7519]

ThE RaGiNg GaM3R I think they’re tryna get some free BMW’s😂

[@Jumatsu]

Thank you Bert. Now we need some remixes with that "You can blow loads in me" singing.

[@alexgraham9644]

Hey mommies, Happy Monday!

[@florida2011]

I really appreciate the fans of this show for being a no questions asked type of crowd, abandoning the joke we won’t talk about, and fully embracing #BertSmellsBad

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

We all know that Burt is still racist.

[@isaiahc_26]

Tom: By the way, a lot of beverages today. Bert: I know i have a drinking problem. [I love when Tom stares into the camera]5:42

[@yaboytroy357]

22:03 too

[@joelyyy4404]

My 2 bears 2 vices t-shirt finally arrived at my address in Auckland, New Zealand. So stoked! 🐻🐻

[@thebigshep]

Bert's really out here wondering why his wife doesn't give him that good top when she could probably smear his smegma around like cream cheese on a bagel.

[@ol4923]

Love it when Bert spends half the episode looking at his phone, makes for great listening!

[@tugstanboat779]

Bert looks like Marv from Home Alone with that hair. I bet he can do the scream perfectly!

[@kylepickering5202]

I’m waiting for Tom to finally confess to killing all of Nadav’s family and holding him hostage. His only revenge is googling Tom and Bert’s requests astonishingly slow

[@boujiatexas1870]

😂😂😂 thank you for this

[@Js18100]

That moment when Bert’s daughters grow up, listen to the end of this episode, and vomit all over themselves...

[@SteveCossaboom]

Bert thinks an IUD is called a UTI.

[@Derek_Keenan]

I think 100% of the people listening realized that

[@lilpjotr]

@@Derek_Keenan At least three of us so far.

[@jackzwahlen764]

4 now😂

[@ericwills4794]

Both end up the consistency of cottage cheese so who cares...

[@Ramboskates85]

“Why am i saying ‘type this in’ this is going to take forever” 😂😂😂😂 poor Nadav

[@Abitflippant]

I imagine a far off day, when Bert and Tom are grey Nadav will actually pull something up without being asked.

[@kheatthr1892]

Justice for Nedav

[@robojimbo7039]

Nadav do bad? Lmao

[@Isaacr90]

Chris D'elia is the one who shared the lady with Jim Florentine

[@danielmccutchen7643]

Came here to say this. Thanks for saving me the time.

[@BobV97]

*Bert looks like he just got done robbing his own house.*

[@Earnest12235]

He likes drugs but doesn’t want to hurt anyone

[@pildp1]

They took down the knockless warrants. Frat Lives Matter

[@stephsaguudefan1753]

I'm glad Bert calling an IUD a UTI made the background guy laugh as much as it did me

[@wuvs2spooge]

Burt's explanation as to why he found that commercial so funny is surprisingly reasonable.

[@GertBFrobe-rr9zv]

Bert: “I’m not a fat guy, I’m not disgusting” Tom’s Face: turns into Mr. Burns whilst saying “excellent” 🤣

[@zyourzgrandzmaz]

Bert : "why can't I lose weight?" Also Bert : *eats like 6,000 calories a day not including the daily 5 beers. So make it a steady 7,000 calories by the end of the night*

[@zyourzgrandzmaz]

Shocked he can't lose weight... Must be a thyroid issue.

[@Howitchewstofeel5gum]

He's just got heavy bones, dude.

[@jeremiahdaniels]

"My Dad needs to see me skinny! " Story the second time.... He forgot. DRINK!

[@smashin]

For real I feel like its the 3rd or 4th time he has mentioned the story.

[@VideoNozoki]

This is definitely not just the second time! a LEAST 4th time

[@iSharkOnDeck]

Tommy just ignores it, at this point 😂

[@HENSONnOZ]

I've heard tom tell like three or four of the same stories like three times each on ymh. Give Brent a break 😢

[@dennishartwig4319]

These bro's r greatly naturely funny around each other and apart! Thanks for bringing a real and sincere laugh during a troubling time we r in!!

[@tutugoode22]

Bert breaking down that commercial had me weak!!! 🤣🤣🤣

[@justino.maduka77]

Bert already told the story about him wanting his dad to see him skinny, but in true Bet fashion it ends differently this time for some reason

[@jaxon_hill]

Howd it end before?

[@nunya1390]

@@jaxon_hill you definitely forgot you asked, but the 1st time no one wanted to go so he went alone

[@goblinkinggaming9883]

I love how this podcast has devolved to essentially Tom becoming Dennis Millers character on Joe Dirt

[@notgoodgamer5990]

You fucking nailed it!

[@dezz7808]

I can’t unsee this now lol Zander Kelley show !!

[@gonefishin4244]

Now that is a great observation!

[@the_Dogpacker]

The moment i played this, my dog hid under the couch.

[@diana8321]

It brings me a little too much joy when the guys talk about their struggles with food. I lost 90 lbs last year and I still have a messed up relationship with food.

[@MichaelDavis-zf6nt]

"I could be like 270." Tom says in disgust, as my head slowly sinks in despair.

[@revmaxproductions]

Is Bert going to be on Ancient Aliens?

[@EM-nl6sg]

“We’re not gonna eat all those fries” Bert: “Don’t worry I’m here” Also Bert *orders enough food for 3 other people in addition to the fries*

[@karson1564]

Bert doing a show shirtless AND without a hat would be terrifying

[@EccentricSM]

I haven't been in a place where I was able to laugh in a little while. The world has had me feeling like a bit of a disappointment of late, but just an hour of listening to you guys and I actually feel like I'm much a better person than I previously thought. Love you guys, no homo, keep up the good fight.

[@liamsternberg61]

I love Tims impression of Dr Drew “oh yeah fucking drew, he’s always like “Drink water, try to relax”

[@lewisaultman]

Will this be the episode where Tom finally snaps? Stay tuned to find out.

[@PageShearling]

I hope so 😂

[@Mtr0n3]

Wish I knew if this comment was pre or post show

[@kevinsmith205]

This show is always Bert Tom and Nadav’s laugh

[@apollocreed9977]

To be fair we fucked up by hyping nadavs laugh

[@jerrythomas1161]

Their laughs and berts squeal.

[@kylelee9019]

@@jerrythomas1161 EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee huehuehuehhueh

[@colinhedrick5052]

Apollo Creed to be fair it would be hard asf for anyone not to be dying like that all the time on that set

[@StephenKyle91]

Well it sure ain’t gonna be the barista that Tom murdered for too much ice laughing in the background

[@Azz19991]

I met Bert one day. He smelled of tiki torches and fresh white linen.

[@ramentrifecta8619]

this has been one of the funniest episodes

[@Uhavefriendss]

You guys are the best. The only celebrities who are perfect in every way

[@bradyuekert9067]

Someone should make a list of every idea Bert has had where he acts like it’s actually going to happen.

[@rusinsr]

Could sort them to figure out which ones are the most worth doing!

[@landonreed2871]

What’s with the weird ass “ads”😂

[@DelightfulDissident]

BMW, it's not a Porsche!

[@XtheroCKER21X]

No advertisers this week??

[@mrjxn007]

Right?! Steak, forks, and knives?!

[@RockySenshi23]

@@DelightfulDissident And a Cow is not a Chichen........Whats your point Tom?

[@colin7509-o2j]

I bet they lost sponsors from something they said. Wack

[@VIDEOdugo]

Bert with his hair parted looks like if Crispin Glover was morbidly obese.

[@anthonymiller934]

@@notlayjeno6258 when has Danny ever had parted hair?

[@BloopsnBleeps]

open.spotify.com/album/0k5ZPTo41bkUDtc9eFaQLs?si=8vH43z63SDmi6o2esfud0w

[@baldcupcake3354]

1:14:15 “Tulsa, Oklahomo” and Tom’s face 😂🤣😂🤣

[@markcummings2723]

100% thank you guys, my kids going back to school and this podcast are the only things on Monday that bring me joy. My kids are back and iv already ready listened so life's shit again #burtfucksdogs

[@jalapaeno]

I can't wait until Brett figures Tim sees him as the ultimate Fred snooker.

[@marktherapper942]

Bert and Tom you mean

[@brandoncook8419]

@@marktherapper942 no I think he meant Brett and Tim

[@hellofunbags0f69]

Mark Crockwell wasn’t the run rn

[@jeremyward493]

My head almost exploded when Bert described the dude pulling an IUD out of his pocket saying "Here put this in"

[@SpoopyDedBoi]

He's got buckets of them laying around.

[@mayeday1263]

I bet the studio smells horrible since Burnt Chrysler didnt shower.

[@MisterChief1117]

By "shower" you mean a quick rinse in the pool, right?

[@awesomegardening3949]

I bet it smells horrible even when he showers

[@BakerySSK]

Some would say he smelled like an actual burnt chrysler...

[@cmac1781]

Bert “5 beers is self control” Kreischer

[@colbyakalightz6334]

That whole Paragard section of this episode had me dying. My face hurts from laughing bro, Great episode!

[@JustASmallTownGirl85]

48:53 when he said his move, it hurt my insides and reminded me of some bad memories..who taught y'all that..🤣?! Bruh, slow and steady wins the race..gentle please lmfao

[@aust_barrett]

“That’s prison justice, right there”😂😂

[@Goldenbaba430]

Austin Barrett burnt would be sucking all the ducks, whoops autocorect, diiiiiiicks

[@Matyboi]

Are we gonna pretend that Bert is not a couple hair follicles from *being* Homer Simpson?

[@VideoNozoki]

Hey! I like Homer.

[@lotsonumbers]

I always have to rewind 30 seconds when I realize Bert's telling a new story so I can hear the beginning again.

[@annaroberts3195]

Second sophomore year... is always my favorite

[@abs5398]

I love how Tom and Bert are trying to get a BMW sponsership but next week there will be a Paragard ad read

[@cia834]

58:10 best add read ever

[@bellazazz97]

“Do you have UTI’s in your pocket”

[@Amir-kc9yu]

Loving the laughs in the background. They are having so much fun back there 😂.

[@zacht3952]

I hate that shit. They’re constantly laughing at little shit.

[@C.A.R.1967]

I don't find Bert that entertaining, but he definitely cracks himself up...

[@perjunksalot]

I like how they were cosplaying the Sticky Bandits in the opening.

[@mintyfone]

Wet Bandits

[@perjunksalot]

@@mintyfone Damn, you're right. Swing and a miss.

[@joeihendrix]

“Slide this inside you” should be a song sung by the songbird of this generation. And that is none other than Trace Adkins.

[@biguprochester]

I actually smelled Berts breath in Houston two years ago. It can strip paint.

[@hugboat808]

I’m losing my hair and this episode meant a lot to me. Thanks boys

[@anthonypelley4728]

I love crying and I love laughing so when those two things get put together it is an overwhelming joy. Keep up the great work. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 4 freakin' times this episode.

[@jacklarose1791]

How does Bert have more hair then everyone, but somehow less then everyone at the same time

[@ztoxtube]

I was laughing at that Paragard thing, simply because of the insanely carefree vibe as they listed the horrifying warnings and side effects. Bert's take makes it twice as funny. Now I wanna buy me one of them UTIs.

[@zlaynie]

Forget confederate statues! We need one of Bert in FL with a natty lite.

[@georgejarmanprice4492]

Brett's hair looks like white Don King when he took the hat off! 😂😭

[@illestmortal]

45:44 😅😂 when Tom makes gag noises always cracks me up