Ep. 67 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing the time Bert's spent in Rome. They also talk about how fast Bert is in the bedroom, shooting their Super Bowl commercials, Marilyn Manson's abuse accusations, Dustin Diamond's passing, and their most extreme heckler stories.
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[@itachitsukuyomidcuo9853]

Love how the SECOND Bret starts digging a hole for himself Tom hands him two more shovels and a miners helmet with a little light on it

[@liquid-slick]

This describes their friendship dynamic to a T

[@yabbadabbadoo1]

I didn’t know why I loved these 2 so much... until I read this

[@vinx-splats8434]

lmaooo frr

[@PearlDrumsHead]

That’s 2 Bears 1 Cave in a nutshell

[@markmadonna7068]

Pop

[@ZJQ23]

"The roman subrays are a nightmeer" -bruce kersher

[@CountDoucheula]

Hahahaha! I read that *exactly* as he said it. What a fuckin' stroke victim.

[@marthapaez9935]

@@CountDoucheula qp111

[@bigloudandnoisy3601]

When I clicked on the video and this comment popped up I thought to myself “this HAS to be someone just shitting on Bert for the hell of it”.... boy oh boy. I stand corrected! What. A. Rword.

[@spencerlawrence8318]

Dammmn you beat me to it!!

[@adamgalliano]

Bret is tik toked

[@captainrisky6561]

Bert is the only guy who finishes his 6 mile run in a caloric surplus

[@seanmcnelis3077]

Lol

[@treyjetson5320]

I dont actually beleive he jogs as many miles as he claims.

[@RealReelsRightHere]

@@treyjetson5320 where did anyone ask what you believed ?

[@mpanchuk]

Anyone else love that first ad read? Bert talking about being a two pump chump then ad read, “I like being at peak performance and I have tactile issues.” Classic.

[@nathansmo]

"celebrating my power" is the new "I have a drinking problem"

[@nicholasnixon1311]

he has every sign of wet brain and booze gut. he really needs help

[@wheresallthezombies]

His one shot turned to a few shots in the same sentence

[@goosemack3587]

guys you can't listen to this guy. He's evil Abed

[@geromelegnome5446]

@@goosemack3587 I knew I recognised him... 😁😁😁 I just couldn't place him!!!

[@derrickcarbona9245]

When a Narsacist starts too embrace their true nature😂

[@kenbillingsley9239]

Tom looks into the camera like Jim from the office every time Bert's telling an incredibly messed up story.

[@carynmartin6053]

I get that!

[@justinbridgez]

One of my fav parts.

[@abidesthedood3490]

Wrong - he looks at the camera when he knows Bert is lying his ass off.

[@thewhiteguyatthecookout4480]

Cracks me up

[@metoo8656]

You have a firm grasp of the obvious

[@agrother]

I started a drinking game where any time Bart says, "Obsessed", you take a drink. I'm now dead.

[@nicki4515]

Bert has seeped so deep into my brain, every time I hear another human being say "a hundred percent" I think of Bert. It sticks out so much I could probably do a supercut of every time someone says it in a podcast.

[@rtl4x4]

Bert: "I'm obsessed with history" Also Bert: not sure what "ancient Rome" means

[@sandiasurfers3174]

Also Bert: Has been to Rome five times

[@Schedule1ne315]

Most likely didn’t realize it was the same Rome as the Roman Empire until his third trip

[@justinbridgez]

Or telling his own “narrative” Like leaving out he cheated first! Great history lesson Brett Keester Edit: and here he goes again. Everything is his FIRST. His FIrst panic attack. His first this that ~ click click~ 100percent

[@Chillzy]

obsessed with being an r-word.

[@Spongekelp]

He’s one of those people who should say “ww2” instead of history

[@just1frosty516]

The way tom said “I have pictures of them I’ll show you” was the first time I’ve ever thought Tom might actually have killed someone, dismembered them and kept a piece frozen in their house

[@niteshade8546]

Toms body couldn't handle murdering. His wrist would crumble if he stabbed someone. He would shatter his spine disposing of the body.

[@just1frosty516]

@@niteshade8546 after the accident yea now he’s deprived and it’s rlly showing through cause he hasn’t killed anyone recently

[@halphillips3703]

😂😂😂😂

[@bfu4971]

Damn didn’t think his injury would affect his killing arm....

[@NobodyOfficial.]

Bert Krishna doesn’t just LIKE things, he becomes obsessed.

[@danielpenrodii2389]

Bert “obsessed with history” Kreischer doesn’t know what Persia or Ancient Rome are and we’re only 2 minutes into the episode.

[@daltonquigley6645]

bert “ i tried heroin today” tom “why” bert “just celebrating my power”

[@Spongekelp]

“I only did China white instead of black tar because I’m celebrating my power”

[@n1k0n_]

Bert "racists heroin user" Chrysler

[@mrs.h2725]

*Liquid Death* - Water for Alcoholics

[@Garblegox]

I mean, if you got that kinda power, you better be celebrating it. And how you gonna discover that power?

[@user-vp8sd4qd1x]

@Eric Jackson or your just doing a bunch of China white heroin like Bruce so you stay skinny

[@12Konst]

Bert is what the whole world think americans are like

[@182bastard]

i'm rest of the world and he's right. brandon, if you're not american than you sure should be

[@rustknuckleirongut8107]

Wow, you have been lucky to deal with such a high grade selection of americans. My experience is more a crossbreed of Bobby Lee and Ted Cruz on average.

[@troyswink5435]

@Random Brandon lol bc you know how other cultures feel right brandon?

[@troyswink5435]

@Random Brandon dang brandon you know exactly how americans act. Even tho my last name is clearly not american. Therefore i am not american. Good job brandon. You really got me i hope you're satisfied.

[@stoneman93]

Yup lol

[@BrianCzapiga]

I love this episode so much, especially 1:15:00 till the end. I love hearing stories, or seeing videos of sets going horribly, sometimes it's even more entertaining than watching a set go well. Another favorite video is Mark Normand's video "Park Normand", if anyone else has favorites in the same vein, post them up in a reply!

[@jamespalmieri2452]

Bert is one of those people who’s not listening, he’s just waiting for his turn to talk.

[@immasurvivor]

eeeh, he doesnt exactly ''wait''

[@piercephillips3194]

I would imagine constraining this impulse/tendency is significantly harder when you’re having a conversation on camera with the pressure of being entertaining and funny. People pays hundreds of dollars to sit and watch them talk for an hour straight. His job often requires not taking turns. No need to be critical.

[@walshdog61]

@@piercephillips3194 Burt’s burner account

[@bangamullet]

@@piercephillips3194 okay so then how come Tom is able to be patient and wait his turn to talk? He’s a comedian too used to doing 1 hour specials. Absolutely nothing you said has anything to do with it. And it’s not being critical when the two of them joke about it all the time.

[@internationaljuan6101]

Every time Bart says something incredibly dumb Tim looks at the camera like bugs bunny and it’s the best

[@ItsJoKeZ]

oh so the entire episode is just him staring into the camera

[@spencerhansen5804]

Nailed it. Couldn't figure it out but that's it. The oh realllly look lol

[@thenightking6662]

More of Jim from the office vibes to me

[@mcr5645]

Also every time Blart laughs too hard, he sounds like a baby kitten in distress lmaooo

[@Shreds-of-Lead]

Very “the office” like.

[@MrJarrett420]

Tom: i took 50mg last night. Bert: that's really close to 100

[@BradVicious]

Haha! He's so dumb

[@user-wg6hm3wo9p]

How Barry explained his report card as a kid.

[@BierdopjeNL]

Bert when he turns 50: thats really close to 100

[@drsteve07]

‘You have imperfect politics if you hunt’, thanks for the rock solid commentary as always Bart

[@aidandaniels2456]

When Bruce stopped what he was saying and said "wait, tell me your story" that was jaw dropping.

[@DelightfulDissident]

Fr

[@iJakeVEVO]

Very Bert-like to celebrate his power during black history month...

[@adamreid9078]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@sanchezgarcia8831]

Uuuuh Hundred percent!

[@BDGMed]

🤣 ladies and gentlemen.... we got him!

[@rootintootin1947]

Holy fuck underrated 😂

[@ItsJoKeZ]

this is the comment

[@nardclup]

Good morning queens above 18! Is everyone staying hydrated?

[@kevinl3254]

Thirsty af

[@huberticusrex]

Pants high and tight

[@GregsTurtleHaven]

Got a hot breakfast, paid shipping and handling

[@matthewdnielsen]

Morning mommy

[@Tom-uf9hf]

Good morning julia I'm just installing a ceiling fan it's the kinda guy you getting

[@816aidan]

Bert is just obsessed enough about every topic to watch exactly one miniseries about it.

[@altrizmotv]

Just realized the way Tim talks to Bruce is how I talk to my parents.

[@xMiiDNiiGHT]

NEW RECORD!!!!!!! 13:58 before Bert mentions calling someone! Congratulations Bruce!

[@staynielherbayn657]

Celebrating his power could truly be the end of Bart

[@JR-rz1br]

He's finally fully unlocking his alcoholism.

[@Joshuadalewillis]

We can all be drunk when we celebrate his eulogy

[@staynielherbayn657]

@Random Brandon what?

[@staynielherbayn657]

@Random Brandon you need to get a life. You’ve left one comment that says “Every comment: look at me I’m so funny” and another that’s talkin about the fact you are actually stupid enough to pay for the live show when it’s uploaded to Sooo many websites. How are you gonna ask if it’s the best I can come up with when all your comments are just completely negative. Just stop.

[@staynielherbayn657]

@Random Brandon and now that I’m lookin at top comments, you’re in the replies of almost all of them sayin how unfunny or inaccurate they are. Sad guy:(

[@BakerTheClerk]

Bert: I'm not an alcoholic. Also Bert: I took a shot of whiskey at 6 am. "Celebrating" my "power"

[@jmtas4]

"I took a couple shots actually"

[@MrPatDukes]

SECRET TIME: If Bert didn't have money, he'd be the local drunk asking for money to wrestle a gator for 20 bucks so he could get 2 handles of Aristocrat

[@Whystling_Byrd]

You confused secret with public knowledge.

[@spencerlawrence8318]

Can we start a crowd fund that pays Bert to a finish ONE story he starts without interruption per episode? And if he can’t, it goes into a pool for Tommy’s 95 year old bionic body.

[@UnhingedAndFeral]

13 minutes in at 10 am and we already hit Pegging, panic attacks, and caca on fingers

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

They're on crack

[@schingh1973]

Lol Caca

[@erminj6367]

We call that a trifecta.

[@SparkIeMotion]

Jesus Christ, this one was a rollercoaster. Love it.

[@adityapai9193]

man this is why i love this podcast the most ...2 guys talking about how fast they finished while having sex and being competitive about it😂😂

[@morganhahn3304]

"cause I have to be the guy that takes you to your lowest place" - Brice Krishna

[@AdeptSnake]

Ok this one got me good hahaha. I wish I could be enlightened like Brice

[@hewitttt]

I could watch hours and hours of you guys talking about your past careers as comedians

[@runnersp1985]

“I’ve been in abusive relationships and kept going back to them.” Ari?

[@mattshibby]

“I smoked weed the other day. I have no idea when I smoked weed” -Bruce Chrysler

[@danieltate4444]

"I have an interesting side story." All of Brett's stories are side stories! One story breaks off into 6 different stories

[@ImmaTigerBro]

"this is getting uncomfortable." "Okay... start from the beginning" 🤣

[@oeuronymousoone1004]

🤣💀🪦

[@AnComJohnny]

Bert - your ability to turn the party on and off like a switch inspired me to stop drinking every day. I haven’t had a drink in a month!! Thanks for being you brother, bless you

[@Anonym00U]

Toms take on your mind when you're high resonated with me

[@podespault]

Bert is OBSESSED by anything he gives more than 2 minutes of attention to instead of listening or watching himself speak

[@michaelortiz2588]

Your comment could not be any more spot on!

[@thatoneguywithahugethang]

It's painfully true

[@jacklame1584]

Can’t wait for Bart to see his power bill

[@RedZedHeadTV]

Round of applause for that joke, sir.

[@Bigpunz67]

Who?

[@user-vp8sd4qd1x]

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Beautifully crafted.

[@yourgameisstupid]

Tom after describing clear dependence formation: "I would recommend doing it the way I did it."

[@nate.draws.things]

He's a lot more like Bret than he thinks lmao

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Bert definitely ran that red-light.

[@allychavez971]

Good Morning My Queens and Kings Above 18!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[@amerik556]

Good morning Julia

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Thank you

[@huberticusrex]

Morning Julia... I hope this comment doesn't scare you

[@timstradley5819]

Thanks for the hot breakfast and coffee my queen above 18

[@peristau]

Good morning Julia

[@Chris-P]

Joey's Joint, 2 bears, and Bad Friends. It's Monday folks!

[@ayndeewhygee3656]

I think Joey Diaz is so fucking funny but for whatever reason I can’t stand his voice. Most of the time it sounds like he needs to clear his throat of flem.

[@Jrenegade1]

Hallelujah!

[@niteshade8546]

@@ayndeewhygee3656 the only guy who sounds like he needs a sleep apnea mask when he's awake.

[@cowperm]

Don't forget Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast!

[@mcr5645]

"eets mondai forks" - Santino

[@Jones-eq4bs]

“The key is the smoke weed all the time” -Tommy Amen brother!

[@DoublexCoke]

Bert has no idea AOCs building was nowhere near the capital riots XD

[@DT-mf2pq]

I know lol these two political heavy hitters discussing shit they know nothing about...

[@forrestjohnson4238]

Tom is slowly turning into Joey.

[@Filiolus]

Tremendous.

[@jonathanguevara807]

Tommy Bananas 🍌

[@dylanrandalldrums]

Like a fucking DOCTAH, jeans.

[@zachrodgers7783]

100mg is when the fun starts Tom. ROOKIE NUMBERS

[@mrs.h2725]

So sad to know he's using Cheeba Chews. They are trash! I've worked on one of their sites before, and they use base level trim including big leaves that have been walked on by trim crew all day. Incredibles and Robhots are a couple good brands. For a lot of folk, edibles can leave you feeling dazed or a bit hungover the next morning if it's over 50mg. Strongest I've had is a 350 Incredibles, and I forgot how to math. While I was needing to close out the dispensary for the night and count down the drawer that had about 15k in it from weekend sales (this was before places could accept cards). Not a fun evening haha. Yet I can dab my face off and be perfectly functional. Metabolizing cannabis is so different from person to person, it's fascinating.

[@johnp91]

I’ve had a total of 1650mg. That’s 2 gummy worms and 3 gummy bears. Holy fuck I was high for two days. I was also couch locked for 10 hours straight and didn’t move for shit. *TRUE STORY*

[@Spokane3D]

Seriously, the last 30 minutes of this episode was epic. Some of the best storytelling ever! Thank you

[@ether725]

Tommy bunz: "i got pictures of em, ill show u" 🤣😭

[@dralithi]

2 Bears 1 Sapp was something else!

[@AstroKid513]

Shout out to everyone keeping it real and stuff like that!

[@bidoubleg8045]

Bert should name his next special “Interesting Side Story”.....also Bert doesn’t only interrupt Tom, he interrupts himself.

[@justinbridgez]

Damn that’s a good fking title you better get credit. ‘click-click’ (winks) “a hunnndred perfent”

[@andrewb.2895]

"Celebrating my power" is one of the whitest things bret has ever said. 😂

[@santadog9]

It's one of the most alcoholic things Dirk Triechler has ever said.

[@Bestayyy]

someone called him burp kreischer and i burst out laughing every time i think about it

[@mermaidrocksoapcompany6540]

Burnt Chrysler?

[@sj205]

Borscht Keister

[@MJ-qh2su]

Burp, Bruce, Burnt, or any other name you'd like, it's all accepted here.

[@joepiersma4768]

Read this as he burped through a sentence

[@masonorourke7426]

Wake up, pour a bud light seltzer lemonade in a glass with ice. Live life 365.

[@holdonasecondamigo599]

"And it's not 2 dogs, it's a dog and a young boy!" Ahahahaha that gave me a good laugh.

[@user-sn8hw1uz8w]

“The key is to get really really high all the time” never heard a more true statement in my life

[@tyleredwards1449]

“Rome freaks me the fuck out, well actually now I luv Rome😂” -Bruce Kersher “🧐😂” - Trent Sugar

[@jurj97]

Trent Sugar 😂😂😂😂

[@Stealth1919]

I'm starting to think this Bart guy might be an alcoholic.

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Nah

[@Tojoblindeye]

He's just an alcohol enthusiast!

[@mikeevans6926]

Lol I love how he constantly finds new ways to lie to himself about how he's not. Well I only had a glass of scotch and a bottle of wine this morning before I drank these 3 bud light seltzers

[@paulm394]

Bert pounds xanax like flintstones vitamins but is afraid of a 50mg edible

[@stephsaguudefan1753]

Doesn't weed turn into opioids in your system when you eat it? If so, opioids are a higher drug class than anxiety pills, which basically means they're a lot more addictive. I've also never heard of anyone OD-ing on xanax.

[@MJ-qh2su]

Bruce and Todd sharing heckler stories made this uh-hundred percent enjoyable.

[@YourGFsFavoriteBF]

I don’t think Bert knows the difference between “interested” and “obsessed”.

[@mraBJJ33]

He gets obsessed enough to watch one whole KZbin video and never worry about it again

[@lilamphibian7812]

I don’t think Bert knows much about the English language.

[@kjcorder]

Obsessed with history "wait rome was the capital of the world? " (I spelled it with an a because I firmly believe he would)

[@themaniacmitch]

Our boy has ADHD for sure.

[@rtl4x4]

that's because he does everything uhhhhhh hundred percent.

[@bdk1993]

To Bert, every foreigner sounds French, EXCEPT for French people.

[@alexdayenian]

😂😂😂😂

[@alexgennille3406]

“Obsessed” “Fascinating” “Interesting” Words Bert uses excessively when trying to get a point across like it’s mind blowing news

[@christopherchen5370]

"A 100%"

[@DustinRodriguez1_0]

Feeling that rage is something everyone experiences. Good people do what you did. They don't lean into it. They don't let it take over. Bad people let it take over, and then try to distance themselves from the consequences. It is your responsibility as a human being living in a civilized society to not inflict your emotions on other people.

[@migueltristanflores8267]

I’m really glad that Bruce is a lot less racist today. I hope he leaves the Ku Klux Klan soon.

[@cdnpunk2270]

I heard is really considering leaving KKK. A lot like his drinking tho.. He'll find words to justify staying.

[@munkiking4511]

Think they threw him out when he started to smell so bad!

[@sandiasurfers3174]

overrated comment

[@Fender0ckreR]

Dude, we've heard the "show your shit" story dozens of times.

[@fromfleshtosteel]

I got to meet Buck O’Neil a few times and he was the coolest guy. Obviously he’s a baseball legend, but he never really took on the “celebrity” that he probably deserved. An extremely humble and clever guy who was always so active in the community here in KC. He’s definitely missed.

[@patrickmuhwheeney6518]

Whoever edits this podcast is a genius. I never feel like I missed something, and I never get tired of seeing the "Jesus, folks, he actually said that!" look from Tom. Thanks, whoever, you do a great job!

[@jdooobie]

Yay! Theres nothing like listening to bert talk about himself first thing on a monday morning!

[@niteshade8546]

He has to get someone to listen since so few people listen to him talk about himself on his own show.

[@mcr5645]

Holy shit YMH studio, get a *HUMIDIFIER* ... Every podcast, I have to turn down volume on the sinus snorts, slurps & throat noises... Dr Drew has brought it up for 101 episodes lmao

[@ginglebret]

It doesn't help that Bert doesn't breathe through his nose, either.

[@mcr5645]

@@ginglebret it's so jarring lol _Interesting conversation_ *SNIFFLE, SNORT-SNORTTT* Jesus... Every guest sounds like a coke-addict (see Whitney Cummings)

[@christopherboyd9438]

The talk about the Miami Improv is the most interesting thing these guys have shared on this pod. Love it!

[@ianalopez]

It is so fucking adorable when they talk about taking 50mg of thc lol meanwhile I'm over here eating 1-2 thousand for breakfast.

[@scottsnyder1184]

How is it anytime they ask Nadav to Google something it takes 9 years but when they ask him to pull up strap-ons, IMMEDIATE?!?!?

[@ImProspects]

its not nadav :3

[@stretchingstyle]

Bert: I don't like Rome... Also Bert: I LOVE Rome!

[@blackbluestudio6338]

Bert getting deep for a minute there. Loved it. Heckler wisdom was the best. Caught it in chunks today but great pod.

[@JSorb]

“I cruised through that bottle on my last mile”

[@nelsonnoname001]

Makes me wonder how his last mile went - "Oh I did 1/5 then stopped for a glass, then did another 1/5, then stopped for a glass"

[@LShinn]

Your username kills me. Funny.

[@kevinl3254]

If there is one thing Brent hates more than anything it’s the inner city blacks.

[@gmaccormack420]

4.5 hours last night of him just yelling the N word was a bit much but hey he’s an artist

[@gmaccormack420]

@Aiden Smith sapp said “cracker ass honkey “ a all star amount of times. Probably gonna get an award for it

[@teeguner]

shity people stories should be a segment on this show I really enjoyed it.

[@Mechanic618]

01:28:30 - How many times do you think Tom has had to sit through Bert telling this joke? I've heard it at least three times and I don't even watch Bert's podcast where he's probably told it a bunch more.

[@cojac6SMG]

Woahhh we sponsored by Budweiser now?! Hell yeah. Hey Bert, this Buds for you....and this one....and also this one....

[@brettallen7275]

Goddamit I live for this shit lol. Makes my day so much more enjoyable.

[@kev9099]

Every episode Bart is obsessed with something new. & I’m not mad it!!!

[@brianchiles9871]

Bert needs to create a traveling book. Give the city, best place to drink and give "Bert Travel Tips" I'll take royalties!

[@justdrewit2498]

As an Alabamian, Bo Jackson is a living legend

[@gfmfresco]

Bruce "I'm obsessed" Krishner

[@Karmal1st3k]

I love sit-down comedy from these two!!

[@Jackdelroy1]

Bert's laugh makes me so happy.

[@Cowardlydabbling]

My girlfriend has a lot of questions about what I’m searching on google when I’m watching this...

[@4nnunaki]

SAME HAHAHA

[@shizbang]

Your own fault for letting a girl check ur search history, simps xD

[@user-wg6hm3wo9p]

And you find it faster than NaTodd..

[@im_Polyhedrons]

did Bud lite give these guys a sponsorship after they saw how many of those lemonades bort drank?

[@justinbridgez]

~click~click~ 100 percent

[@freeforpaul]

I love when comedians talk stories, BEST SHIT!

[@chriszimmer49]

A bottle of wine on the last mile doesn’t sound that bad until you realize that Bruce probably runs like 10ish minute mile. So that literally 4 glasses of wine in 10 minutes lol.

[@kaptinKuba]

5 seconds after upload boys thanks for something to watch on my way to work!

[@petersandas3]

I'm pretty sure half of 2 bears one cave listeners are actually here to further understand just how broken a human mind can be, Bryce is a textbook study.

[@nicholasnixon1311]

He's a narcissistic alcoholic

[@EvanSaltare]

I keep coming back. It feels like I'm giving a relative a chance to show me they're getting the help they need.

[@brianaguirre1234]

Hands down best episode in a long time fellas! I'm showing this episode to all my family members

[@Zacharyflores713]

It's really good to see you doing better tom! much love brother

[@austinjames4849]

In Rome the have intersections with 3 lanes on one side, and 2 lanes on the other side with no arrows. The just figure it out. Shits wild!

[@inwardpod]

Sounds like I’d be Rome-ing around