Ep. 71 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer talk about Bert's obsession with candy and predictable repeated tooth loss, the unnerving images of "My Feet Are Killing Me," and get inspiration for their secret handshake from a video of Wake Forest football player, Cortez Lewis. They also discuss experiences they had with comedy legend Patrice O'Neal. And finally they call up Justin Martindale to resolve the age old question, "Who's hotter? Bert or Tim Dillon?"
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[@JG-tt9gq]

Bret is literally that Simpson’s ep where homer just doesn’t have to eat a doughnut to not go to hell and he eats it anyway

[@CankleCankle]

If Bort’s head was a donut, he would definitely eat it.

[@j.yahnke]

I heard he's in the new live action Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.

[@drsaintnick]

Hey Bert! Do you track your heart rate? And how high does it get when your running?

[@evanmullenbach858]

Aaaahundred percent

[@wetcrumb2191]

Then he runs a 14 minute mile in hell while drinking wine and eating cheese

[@Tompa83]

"I quit drinking" - Drinks a bottle of wine a day "I eat healthy" - Can't stop eating candy

[@troyswink5435]

"Im jacked" 240 lbs

[@evanodaniel8666]

“I’ve gained a shit load of muscle, and muscle weighs more than fat”

[@troyswink5435]

@@evanodaniel8666 and yet you cant see any definition to his muscles

[@gnaxel]

Lost a tooth 4 times this month

[@TreAtsY88]

And he weighs himself backward 😂😂

[@kevinbarry3087]

“I don’t listen to anyone. I wonder if that’s a problem.” As he tilts his head to eat oatmeal. One the funniest visual moments of this show

[@websurferwizard]

I need time stamp but i kinda dont cuz im listening anyways LOL

[@user-uh3bs1bl3u]

@@websurferwizard LOLOLOLOLOLOO LO LOLOLLLLLOLLOLLLLOLLL O LOLL LL L O L L LL L L L LLLLLOL

[@js78910]

Bert is all about games and treats. He's like a little dog.

[@leeyoungho9717]

Mr Peanutbutter

[@jurj97]

Oh Brent likes dogs alright

[@edgar6368]

Tom: “Yea yesterday we went to... Burnt: “By the way... I just remembered something I find fascinating about myself”

[@joeshmoe6798]

Yeah burt can't shut up ever. I'm surprised that more people don't shun him

[@RedZedHeadTV]

@@joeshmoe6798 that's why we are here lol 1:23:00

[@18Callahan]

@@joeshmoe6798 they do…he just hasn’t realized it yet.

[@joeshmoe6798]

@@RedZedHeadTV tom is the reason honestly

[@purplypinkish6828]

Brent is a fucking fascinating guy

[@FlawdaBoy4]

Bert weighs himself backwards 😂😂😂😂. This one starting off strong

[@dinomerk9149]

Lol and he's gaining weight🤣😭

[@pildp1]

That's only 042 lbs...

[@FlawdaBoy4]

@@dinomerk9149 if he just turned around he would know that 😂

[@pildp1]

...sbl 042 ylno s'tahT

[@jemiiam]

@@pildp1 he didn't say he reads it backwards...he said he stands on it backwards...Bert: "then one day I'll look and it will say 205lbs" So what's the point of weighing yourself if your not going to look

[@vxcorwinxv]

Today on the "Alex Jones of Fitness Show": Bert learns that candy bars have calories that 'count' (and a lot of them too!)

[@phalspar]

Bert bring joy to my Every day life😂 I find him and Tom to be the perfect duo, love my fuckin life maan

[@YeomanJustin]

Bert: I'm killing myself to lose weight Runs 5.5 miles at 8 min miles - Burns 752 cal. Also Bert: King Size Butterfinger - 495 cal. Bottle of FitVine - 520 cal.

[@nopeDOTavi]

Bert: eats candy, drinks multiple bottles of wine a night, doesn't brush his teeth. Also Bert: My dental problems are hereditary.

[@JediGrind]

Hahahaha no shit

[@broadcastallsongs]

lol to be fair he did take a bat to the teeth as a child, he never had a chance.

[@stevenpierce7851]

@@broadcastallsongs Heard that story a FEW times

[@wyatt5712]

Also Bret: idk why I can’t lose weight

[@seamonkey8435]

Stupidity is hereditary

[@Amir-kc9yu]

Love that Bert defines himself as "jacked" 😂

[@jemiiam]

Lmao yeah he's trying to make himself feel better.... especially since he's not growing extra bones

[@THEMYMOMSAYSIMPRO]

His teeth are jacked

[@chadgrov]

Maybe he means his brain cuz that’s definitely jacked up

[@aquapolo909]

Love I was reading this comment the moment he said that.💪

[@theartofswiping6266]

Imagine seeing him on the street and thinking, "That guy's jacked."

[@jasoncarlisle3453]

“When you have teeth on.....who thinks about slowing down”. He is the American Ricky. Love you Bert.

[@lizbitsmith9706]

That is so accurate it hurts.

[@tannerweller9053]

“You don’t listen to anybody” “I wonder if that’s a problem?” *chews bite of oatmeal to the side because his teeth are too fucked from not listening*

[@die4race]

If Bert says he drinks one bottle of wine every night , you know he actually drinks more than a bottle

[@orlandocastro1438]

Uh Hunndred Percent that hes gone thru 3 before in a night

[@18Callahan]

Facts.

[@SwabLevy]

Like he drinks one, he shares two more, and the other three in the half case count as dinner. Save the other half case to refuel after the half marathon tomorrow

[@TrollHunterxXx]

If he’s trying to lose weight ... that’s not the way to go lol

[@18Callahan]

@@SwabLevy I’ve heard he’s going to Serbia to film the Machine in April for a few months. That should be a rude awakening.

[@Cyxz666]

"stop eating, you're killing yourself" -Barf's DENTIST

[@ETWCBf3CLAN]

😂😂😂😂

[@themcrib7920]

Bird Crusher is a candy-munching fiend

[@Wulfgeir]

"When I was 11, I got hit in the mouth by a baseball bat" The Machine: The Prequel.

[@tesviper8784]

“I followed a track of ants from one tree to their home. It was so much fun” Bert is a 3 year old.

[@petersandas3]

Crippled sociopath and guilt minded alcoholic help everyone on Mondays

[@nicholasnixon1311]

delusional alcoholic

[@r.zachhowell1009]

This podcast has just turned into an hour of Bert trying to convince himself and all of us that he’s actually healthy... I’m good with it. Good luck Bart Krishna!

[@kevinhoran9228]

You mean Bruce Christian

[@Christopher-md7tf]

*BRUCE CRYSHER*

[@crackerbarreIkid55]

Bret Kirscher

[@conaldeugenepeterson2147]

Bruce Krishna

[@psupunk]

Burnt Chrysler

[@cheeto1298]

“When you have teeth on, who thinks about slowing down?” 😂

[@logand5292]

The way Bert’s brain works is stunning... I can’t wrap my head around his thought process, but boy it is a RIDE! 😂

[@erikp6844]

Wait, are you telling me that heavy alcohol consumption and eating so much candy that you’re losing multiple teeth ISN’T helping Burnt lose weight?

[@KZ_MMA_]

It's like he has never learned a single thing in his entire life

[@t.c.v.t.]

sure it is hes just got to stop replacing the teeth and loose more.

[@justinbridgez]

So fascinating right? Like du-du-du-dude. Like. Oh oh oh I’m so into history right now. ~chokes on candy~ hey google secret handshakes. See with the internet now. ~picks nose~

[@primemover1416]

128 ounces of Kool-Aid per day doesn't help either.

[@reasonablyargued9003]

To be fair, he's just losing the same tooth a dozen times. Which is arguably worse.

[@joshroth705]

"When you have teeth on, who thinks about slowing down?" Best saying I never heard.

[@Jassbusters]

“With the internet now, there’s gotta be secret handshakes” - Bruce Kersher

[@JACKiE0H24]

Nadav laughing in the background is one of my favorite things. It really adds to the show overall. Love you guys!

[@coreydiculous]

Bert is a king above 318. He's actually starting to morph into The King, himself.

[@ivanreyes371]

He really wants that date with cathy

[@notbatman1390]

Now THIS is a good comment

[@pinhighdiscdyes]

“I’ve probably gained a shitload of muscle and muscle weighs more than fat” is the classic fat man excuse for not losing weight

[@_alex_y.not_]

After just being told his fat %.

[@levishepard3696]

God I hate that. Muscle weighs more than fat. The most cringe thing a fat person can say.

[@XenoTravis]

I mean if it gets them to not quit then whateva.

[@groomedtodie]

And then he tells a story about all the candy he can't stop eating.

[@Stealth1919]

Don't know why he's gaining weight. He's been running - sure he drinks a bottle of wine - but he doesn't eat, except fried pbj's, pizza and donuts

[@choppedandbobbed9729]

Twisting your left arm behind your back is a must for the secret handshake.

[@GregoryGreg87]

That was one of the best closings of a show yet. Bart: Is there anything we didn't cover? Tim: PLENTY. But let's move on... 😆😆😆

[@InsomniacRocker]

Bert, "I wonder if me never listening to anyone is a problem" *Eats bite of oatmeal with his head tilted to the side because he didn't listen to his dentist*

[@ExistentialBordem]

This needs to be a new shirt.

[@brandonandalexander]

Hey good job you got his joke. I think the mommies might slowly be getting smarter.

[@thefaceless8796]

@@brandonandalexander you give him far too much credit. In no way was that his joke smh he just lacks self-awareness.

[@brandonandalexander]

@@thefaceless8796 honestly I hope that's the case, it would be hilarious. But I believe he plays into it.

[@thefaceless8796]

@@brandonandalexander perhaps but it doesn't come across that way to me. Unless he's a better actor than he's given credit for.

[@modularoutput]

Bert n' Tom Tom n' Bert One's still alive while the other's under dirt

[@josephdavis2695]

Hey, a modular synthesis mommy. Noice. I just went down the eurorack rabbit hole

[@modularoutput]

@@josephdavis2695 I'm always wearing my jeans when in synthesizing. It's a deep rabbit hole. Lol

[@rexbanner7256]

Wth are you guys talking about?

[@everybodyhatesthomas8835]

@@rexbanner7256 right😭

[@KZ_MMA_]

@@rexbanner7256 right??? Tf is all that

[@tomd1939]

If bert ever did have an intervention, it would probably kill his career.

[@MountaindewM]

Bert: I don't listen to anyone. Joe Rogan in past to guests: hey don't eat into the mic, viewers hate that shit Bert: NOM NOM NOM This is oatmeal NOM NOM NOM

[@dalenlotterhand6137]

Point of personal privilege: Y’all make Monday mornings so much better.

[@XenoTravis]

Please don't use Monday language. Some of us cannot have good Monday's

[@dalenlotterhand6137]

@@XenoTravis 🤣

[@jjay__]

Give it a year

[@jw3408]

“Stop using gendered language!!!”

[@curlymanjordan]

(Obviously Rob Reiner eating a cheeseburger) Personal point of privilege please stop using racist and gendered pronouns “y’all”

[@Jakem763]

“I wonder if it’s a bad thing that I don’t listen to people” Dude...

[@zechariahross1444]

He's so rude and doesn't even realize it lol

[@Jakem763]

@@zechariahross1444 I can’t imagine it isn’t a bit but I think I just want to believe someone isn’t that unaware. Cuz if it’s not a bit is psychotic

[@brandonholguin6895]

@@zechariahross1444 I think he does with how often he and others mention it. He's just so into himself he doesn't care.

[@alextyre4488]

He clearly didn’t listen to anyone about that pinky ring

[@edgar6368]

He realizes it but somehow he thinks it’s funny but it’s not... it’s annoying af

[@sourdonkeyjuice]

I love how Bert always has hope.

[@jeffyripz7826]

This show is amazing thankyou for helping me get over the Sunday scaries with 2 bears every Monday . I just wish the into was approximately 10-15 minutes longer 🤷‍♀️

[@moviecore4621]

-"What's my body fat percentage?" -"do you have tissues?" LMAO

[@dntgvafuk89]

I was expecting him to say 40 😆

[@wobblytwinkie8913]

Brent "I've lost this tooth 4 times" Tim "in your life?" Brent "in a month" 😂

[@lenapauline8634]

bert had me crying by the end of the episode oh my god the flex into the cam was killing meeeee!

[@exnier]

Listening to Bert talk in 2B1C makes me appreciate YMH, Tom Talks and Where my mom’s at? so much more.

[@tylerbrooks2210]

Burnt "i dont know why i cant lose weight: Dentist "im taking your teeth away"

[@jaybird7300]

Denial is a hell of a drug.

[@WinkyNichols]

The fact that 12:37 sounded like an evil villian betting towards barts tooth destruction makes this a Top 3 episode 😂😂

[@Jmanmusician]

I AM YELLING AT MY PHONE AT BERT AT 12:00. C'mon Bert you're killing me 🤣😂🤣🤣

[@danielmeuler2877]

Bert gives me Anxiety when he's allowed to talk for to long of a period. lol

[@ultranitro437]

Too long of a period

[@sativarosegold3604]

Needs a shock collar

[@RochaRules]

The moment when Bert said I'm jacked as shit and flexes I laughed so hard. His delusion is legendary lmao

[@die4race]

I want his confidence

[@Durane]

He literally flexes at the end of the episode and there are no muscles to be seen anywhere. Dude is so delusional 😂 love the entertainment value of it though

[@RochaRules]

@@Durane All of Toms side eye stares say it all 😂😂😂😂

[@sherriewestfall4920]

Tom and Bert sending a message to Cortez like two girls sending a message to a secret crush! Omg, dying laughing 🤣

[@jonathanbrooks2989]

Berts look on his face as hes flexing at the end legitimately made me choke on my drink lol

[@aaronnuffer4220]

“I don’t know a lot of adult Berts” Tom: 👀👀

[@travishuffman3566]

Bart's really livin' life 365 (lbs).

[@daffysm]

"You don't listen to anyone" "No you're doing fine" LoL

[@MegadethTillDeth]

Burnt "I would be so sad if my friend got healthy" Crystals

[@probarth9657]

tom always kills me with the jim halpert deadpan looks

[@kevin.astor1]

“This makes me sad. My stupid fat body.” Brent has never been so relatable

[@keenanbaldree6888]

You know he’s fuckin around right...?

[@ParapluieDefenestrator]

that made me sad

[@recurringintensity]

ok I laughed so hard I spewed drank everywhere twice, also peed a little. love these guys! 😭🤣

[@markg.3171]

I have so much fun with your podcasts guys

[@ryanmason5086]

Me in the middle of eating* Bert: "Type in calluses my feet are killing me"

[@KitchenerLeslie2]

Relax, Bert watches it and he’s always in the middle of eating.

[@BigKevinSports]

I had a nice bowl of chili and Bert ruined my day.

[@theartofswiping6266]

You know they've transitioned to an ad when Tom says a full sentence uninterrupted.

[@nakeyisnakey]

This was easily one the best episodes yet.

[@Vqfool]

Bert at end has me dead😂😂😭

[@FrenziedManbeast]

Brett Krichsna is literally Officer Farva in real life.

[@sienkbeats3336]

Does that look like spit to you?

[@Damian-lh8ft]

He does have a litre of cola.

[@caitlynharris1174]

Mans up to some shenanigans

[@williamschrom5400]

best take so far...tyty

[@alexsmith2885]

I dont want a Large Farva I want a litre of Kool Aid

[@MrTakedownkd]

At this point I’m wondering if Bert is actually a character. Can one man seriously be this delusional? 🤣🤣

[@texmexican3654]

Yes and his name is Donald Trump.

[@ev446]

yes

[@extraSNUFFY]

Yes it’s a clearly a character. Look at his other podcasts and he puts on a different act for each. He leans into stupid drunk because it’s easy. No thought necessary.

[@666slateran666]

@@extraSNUFFY I think there's a point when the character overtakes their real life.

[@ianlindsey1667]

I think it started as a character and then at a certain point he just became the character haha

[@danieltate4444]

Bert picks his nose, is fascinated by bugs, lives off of candy and kool aid. Bert is a child.

[@Tiersenhiphop]

The end with Bert flexing took water through my nose lmfao

[@johnathonmares]

This goes without saying. I can't believe bert has survived this long.

[@1Dann123]

Honestly speechless, burzt never ceases to amaze about his pure, concentrated stupidity....

[@MattyTrickShots]

My Crown literally popped of 5 minutes after the dental story eating a rice crispy treat. Thanks Bart.

[@smk3ymtnrakon436]

I love this podcasts so much😂

[@xHoLiiDaYz]

This Bruce ketchup guy eats oatmeal like he’s r word.

[@lunnchie]

because*

[@earlymorningpodcast]

Bart casually with a bottle of Rogaine next to him. “This episode is brought to you by hims!”

[@grizfam3036]

Who?

[@earlymorningpodcast]

@@grizfam3036 Must be new, Bert Kreischer

[@tjmprox2002]

It's the guy laughing in the background for me 🤣

[@ajl_47]

This was such a good episode

[@Luke-ns6ol]

Berts inability to talk is amazing

[@smithyshrimp7935]

burnt cant even listen to an answer to a question he just asked.

[@oldmanwillyboy2786]

I'd love to say it's because of his mutant jaw shape!..........But I reckon it's because he's just too "Bert!"

[@KZ_MMA_]

It's because he drinks alcohol, 2 gallons of kool-aid, showers in the pool, and has a rotting mouth

[@dylanfredrick7602]

Your lack of punctuation is amazing.

[@smithyshrimp7935]

@@dylanfredrick7602 shouldn't you be on Reddit?

[@pastorspina]

How is Brent suppose to get “knighted “ if he can’t even hang on to a crown

[@TheMisterMonkeyman]

Well done. Peace.

[@Christopher-md7tf]

"You can either open another bottle of wine or eat a Butterfingers" And he wonders why he can't lose weight 😂😂😂

[@BelalC]

Haven’t watched this in probably 6 months. Missed these guys :)

[@jacobkroeger5903]

Anyone else think Bart is just spiraling farther and farther while claiming he's doing great?

[@joecarta1895]

Barfa needs to stop taking so much fuckin Adderall... shits driving me nuts. Idk how buns deals with all the disgusting bullshit

[@jacobkroeger5903]

@@joecarta1895 this episode was especially bad. Had to turn it off early. Hopefully he gets his shit together and the show gets better. Until then bad friends is my go to on mondays.

[@Damian-lh8ft]

I think that what you see from Bert is an exaggerated character. You have no idea what he actually does when he gets home. Just saying, I've been around a lot of alcoholics, and he's the healthiest looking one I've ever seen. His skin looks fine, he has energy, he works constantly, and he seems to be mostly there mentally. Not usually what I see from 50 year old alcoholics.

[@jacobkroeger5903]

@@Damian-lh8ft i agree. I do think he blows his alcohol consumption out of proportion to play into his own "character". But if he's running as much as he says he is, then he must have some pretty bad eating habits to not be losing weight.

[@666slateran666]

@@Damian-lh8ft errr, we also have his wife detailing how fucked his home life is.

[@andohish27]

20:02 Bart says the "heaviest he's ever been" is 257, but a few years ago before the weight loss challenge he said he was 265+....lmao

[@SwabLevy]

Bryce has a "convenient memory"

[@ShadowCraft1195]

@@SwabLevy it's burt

[@andohish27]

@@ShadowCraft1195 actually it's Brent

[@kjcorder]

@@andohish27 actually its brett

[@colephelps1734]

this slash story is amazing, best you've ever told BERT!

[@amandaandbug4914]

Awwww Bert .. gotta love him. The self awareness is starting to get there.

[@grandmodesty]

Bert losing his teeth is the exact turn we knew would come

[@Nalopotato]

"I can't believe I'm gaining weight!!" *eats candy bars and snacks constantly, and has a bottle of wine a day*

[@theartofswiping6266]

Its not a problem though because he's running FAST 10 minute miles

[@peanutgallery7753]

@@theartofswiping6266 10 min miles is pretty fast for a fat guy actually. I'm surprised his knees haven't given out. I do 8 minute miles for my usual about 3 mile runs, and I'm thin and tall. Bert talks about doing 5-10 mile runs pretty often. It's kinda impressive. He just needs to cut the booze and the pigging out.

[@harshman121092]

Bert: "I'm jacked." Tom: Has bigger arms than Bert after having not lifted heavy weight in three months + significant muscle atrophy

[@chris_bern]

mostly fat tho but still true

[@Snail_fetus]

This is easily one of my favs

[@SweetPotato513]

This podcast is becoming just Bert spiraling for an hour

[@tomdavis6118]

Yeah. I love Christina and Tom, but Berts bit as the other bear is less of a bit and more of a tragic trainwreck that repeats itself and steps on everyone else.

[@tylerbrooks2210]

That's my favorite part

[@nicholasnixon1311]

its basically a weekly confessional on how bad his prolem with alcohol is and how deep his delusion runs

[@edgar6368]

Everyone: Hey burnt everyone hates getting FaceTimed Burnt: IDC IM THE MAIN CHARACTER 🙃

[@anthonyflannery8799]

I can't wait hear Tim's response

[@angiem6720]

"Maybe I should start eating some shakes" SAID FROM TALKING THROUGH ONE SIDE OF MY MOUTH!!!

[@SatanSupimpa]

Not gonna lie, I'm starting to feel really anxious along the episodes. Bert's lack of focus is getting out of control, he can't complete a sentence without asking to google something.

[@williambarringer6513]

his phone is melting his brain I been saying it for weeks, if this continues we're gonna lose him

[@Zu89]

Lol I keep thinking that he's going to do or say something to ruin his career at any moment.

[@justinbridgez]

Enjoy the ride. He’s conditioning you for annoying people in life. He’s actually teaching you. Bert might be the wisest of us all

[@alwaysplay13]

@@AgendaInMind cant tell if this is a god level troll or not so just to be safe....pneumonia is real kids its a fungal infection caught in cold wet environments, george waahington died of it

[@prasun911]

"2 Florida men keep an asian kid out of depression, on a weekly basis"

[@joewilson1164]

Who is always hysterically laughing in the background at literally everything 😂

[@Fairfied]

Fun episode guys, thanks 🤙

[@stephenpowling]

Bert is just the biggest man child imaginable.

[@Irv123]

I think its a tie between him and the slept king Bobby Lee.

[@zk9117]

@@Irv123 100% it’s Bert. Bobby actually has pretty good reasoning & manners Bert isn’t capable of

[@smithyshrimp7935]

am I the only one getting irritated by it now? He loves the sound of his own voice man!

[@texmexican3654]

He takes 2nd to Trump.

[@luffy101311]

Nah hes cool, you’re mistaking his openness for immaturity, Berts humour sometimes falls flat, but you can tell the dude is a genuine guy

[@jon1930]

Bert looks good. He's not red faced and sweating from just sitting there talking anymore. As I was typing this he ate ice cream while complaining about his teeth. Sooooo nevermind.

[@joshuaduplaa9033]

It was oatmeal, but yea

[@PhantomHostLive]

dude laughing in the background seems pretty chill xD

[@BirdOfHermes8381]

" I can't stop eating candy bars? " Yeeeeeaaaaah Brent, it's all muscle!

[@ntutino1980]

I weigh more than Bert now. That makes me feel horrible about myself

[@maventry]

Use it as motivation

[@blondeboi22]

I bet you talk less though

[@troyswink5435]

Bert has 10s of thousand of dollars worth of work out equipment and literally all the time in the world to work out. You should feel good that even for someone with a that he still has trouble losing wieght

[@Neimonster]

Show him who's boss, Nick.

[@DrDANKize]

Me too dude.

[@ryanhietpas218]

Bart's whole life is just the story of a person who has never, and will never, have impulse control.

[@WalTxAaroN]

*mouth full of food* "hey google secret handshakes." Love you Bert. Never change.

[@pi1810]

Ants are above and beyond facinating.