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Erin Anastasia competes in Jersey Shore Slam's WOWPS Qualifier.
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"Did the Therapy Work?"
My mom asks me how I’m feeling
I know what she means is
did the therapy work?
I tell her:
I’m feeling better, but sometimes it gets bad again.
what I should have told her
is that
it’s roller coaster
it’s Charles Dickens best of times, worst of times
it’s I used up all the free sessions
and I’m not sure if I’m gonna need more
it’s one step forward two steps back
two steps forward one steps back
it’s peaks and pits
it’s flat chested and tits
it’s tits.
it’s I don’t know what you want me to say
it’s I’m sorry,
it’s I wish that I could tell you that I’m okay
because more often than not, I am.
But I have to work really, really hard for it to be that way,
and on the days that I’m too exhausted to fight the thoughts away
I’m really, really, not, okay.
Lately, I started thinking back to days of cheerleading
and this one choreographer that told us about
this game he’d play with his friends
how if they spotted each other out in public
they’d make the other one do a standing back tuck.
He said one time he was in flip-flops,
waiting in line for a Big Mac,
but he landed it.
And it wasn’t until he could do it anywhere,
anytime, that he knew he had it.
I often wonder about what skills I have,
versus, which skills I occasionally land.
Last week I got off the subway in a place I’ve never been before
I spent three minutes trying to find the exit
then, one minute with my back pressed against the wall
trying to make the colors stop shouting at me
I side-line cheerleaded my mind back to reality
turned the corner and, found the exit.
The cool city air rushed down a flight of stairs
and into my lungs
and I could breathe again.
Once I got home I wondered what would have happened
if I was lost for ten minutes, instead of three.
Mommy,
The therapy worked for me
in the sense that it did its job.
But its job was never to cure me.
this, is going to be
a bit of a journey.
One that requires me to land tricks unexpectedly
and sometimes I’m gonna land them
and sometimes I’m gonna land on my knees.
And I need
you to know
that this struggle
is not one that ends so easily
because it doesn’t end
it doesn’t end
it doesn’t-