Mating in Captivity: Reconciling Intimacy and Sexuality - Esther Perel

[@ourson66]

Esther Perel is absolutely fantastic, she has her finger on the pulse of the human condition like nobody I've ever heard before. I listened to her TED talk on infidelity and now I'm binge-watching all these videos of hers ... she's brilliant!

[@cainamdead]

Steve Sauder same!

[@Bouchergator09]

Steve Sauder I want to quote everything she says

[@CruisinOnSunshine]

I am doing the same! I listened to her interview with Toby Robbins and holy shit. She is a primer on how to make your relationships work.

[@dharmakaurkhalsa3923]

Steve Sauder. Yeap! same happened to me. She is nailing it!

[@joannelewis8038]

Clever woman

[@AngelS-rb9od]

I am listening to this while sitting in a hotel where my husband is attending a conference. It was a last minute 'surprise' invitation to tag-along with him on a business trip as he often tags along with me. While he was in conference, I went out and explored the city filled with new sights, sounds etc. We met up for dinner and did a 'roll the dice' to choose where we ate. Our whole weekend together has been what Esther says, the SPACE for mystery, novelty, excitement, playfulness and anticipation. If you are not creating that space in your life and your relationships, both intimate and platonic, it is work worth doing. Eroticism in the form that she describes is truly the antidote to death. EXCELLENT SPEECH and absolutely timeless!

[@Sebsramirz]

Your comment inspires me. Thank you so much

[@viewfromhere57]

That was a great comment! The newness of it all, we need to continue to rediscover our partners in different spaces - it really, truly works. Thanks!

[@devoragray3357]

"Sometimes the breakdown of desire is also the breakdown of imagination" 5:38. There's a brilliant nugget. Preach it, sister!

[@theresabogart15]

Don't be fooled by thinking because this talk is ten years old it's going to be less potent. Wowowow. The brilliant questions she formulated for this work, which she articulates and answers in the talk are choc full of wisdom and humanity. Favorite quote among many favorites: "Desire is the art of wanting. It's the owning of the wanting in the best sense like any little child you see that says 'I want THAT...."

[@nadinibrahim8203]

That was one of the best speeches I have ever heard. These moments spoke to me the most: 15:35-17:05 26:48-27:06 They made me realize how much control my mom has over my life, and why I feel so scared to do things in my life...and how it could really affect my future. This woman is so smart.

[@tarathomas7889]

I love the clarity with which Esther Perel articulates the paradox between intimacy & eroticism, and the way to move through this gridlock to again being separate and creating polarity.

[@passionatebraziliangirl.4801]

Esther Perel the most refreshing scholar in the philosophy of love and sex thus far, her questions are relationship healing.

[@saucyjk6453]

totally agree

[@wndw2000]

I heard Esther Perel speaking on NPR the other day. Absolutely loved her commentary! What a bright and practical person!

[@dawnhawkins9699]

What an intelligent & well-spoken woman. i can't wait to read the book.

[@emilycurtin5373]

Esther, your work, your spirit, your heart, your LOVE is evident, intelligent and vital. You really walk the talk and boy, you can talk the talk, and deep gratitude for your wisdom, your words and brilliance in putting it all together to make sense of our desires, our wishful destinations, and with helpful pointers/directions for the journey. Thank You!

[@clemboslice6427]

People talk about Lacan, and Badiou, and Sartre. But this woman is the Gallic philosopher to whom the entirety of our attention, driven by our fundamental needs, should be directed.

[@aavin89]

Brilliant and extremely insightful presentation

[@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454]

Been a student of this problem all my adult life. She absolutely nailed it better than anyone

[@pamelakelly5869]

You are a gift to all those you listen...Thank you so much!!!!

[@kennyethanjones.]

I'm mindblown by the acuteness of this talk. Incredible.

[@jayneyoung1757]

The quote was easy. You can see it in the way he looks at his wife. The actionable based on my understanding is to have that distance, independence and maintain the mystery of "I don't know what might happen next!" The excitement of wanting over needing

[@mariaangelova8275]

this is Incredible!!! Everything I've been thinkingandr feeling for the last god known how many years..she says it all here.....WOW !!!!! This is what I think and believe that relationships and partnerships should be like. This is the journey I want to have in life with a primary partner who feels the same way.

[@nicolaablett7790]

eloquent and knowledgeable PASSIONATE AND DELIGHTFUL

[@GitFiddler13601]

You have a beautiful mind Esther. Your work is right on and life changing. Thank you for sharing your insight with us.

[@gaby5546]

22:36 "Tell me how you were loved and I'll tell you how you make love." WOW

[@stefaniastefi1614]

Putting like even before listening. Always a pleasure to listen to someone so competent 👏

[@90_sGirl]

This woman continues to blow my mind.

[@3340steve]

Perel is wonderfully insightful concerning the difficulty of reconciling sexual desire and intimacy .

[@cathyb2967]

3340steve Intimacy can lead to desire .even between two Women ..that was my experience .

[@thisvagabondlife7132]

YOU are genius and I love you..thanks you teacher and reminder...you are a reminder

[@troddy3925]

They only thing wrong was the crowd. I thought this was amazing and yet the audience was fairly lame and unresponsive to her occasional humor AND overall powerful presentation.

[@whawkins8636]

More than likely a bunch of prudes who are not in touch or regulating their responses based on the crowd

[@augustkoeniger2344]

the audience seemed to be paralyzed 😉 you are absolutely right

[@luisanibal5655]

remember that the audience doesnt have any mic, they are probably responding but you wouldnt know because the audio comes only from her mic, there is no mic for the people in the crowd

[@gerardwilson9869]

A very deep and profound speech which makes you wonder if you should even attempt to enter into an LTR or just be FWB.

[@Ohkeh640]

go with the flow and do what feels right, you shouldn't rush. :) enjoy and good luck sir

[@Levandetag]

Imagination is more Important .... Great Lesson

[@barinaguo5565]

wish i knew her earlier ,such smart intelligent woman who gives me all the guidance

[@Wildchile]

she is correct about the reasons ive loved, lost, married, desired, divorced.

[@OlgaPuma1977]

Ester is so wise and deep! I love all her lectures

[@AzhaaSoria]

First time hearing this women, absolutely brilliant.

[@bentleyasher2]

outstanding presentation and insights. A must watch for all humans.

[@Movewithkhu]

hese moments spoke to me the most: 15:35-17:05 26:48-27:06

[@scottherf]

The child on lap/exploring is a perfect analogy.

[@scottherf]

The Obama reference is so cryptic.

[@Nina-hk7ub]

Liked the quote at the very end. How interesting.

[@encoreadore7341]

I love this woman.

[@lukeburns5746]

I loved your intro, got the joke too :) Your doing great work, i'm fascinated!

[@dianablock1130]

brilliant and insightful!

[@sona7444]

how the hell did this woman speak such brilliance to a crowd of apparent livestock!!! wtf is wrong with them?

[@jennleighton7784]

Perhaps the reason some animals in captivity wont breed is a similar answer. They cannot form the natural social bonds they normally would have from spending time moving from group situations to individual situations. How can you be an individual if your kept in a cage (albeit a large one) with a dozen other animals. There is no chance for the child to leave the mother, no novel interactions with other animals, and this impacts their psyche.... huh... oh ya humans are in a cage too, we just have a bigger one ;)

[@idopointlessthings2]

That's an excellent point 🤔

[@janja14]

Or maybe it's just because animals (just like humans) suffer in cages. They usually are both overstessed (seen as high stress hormones and stress induced behavior) and suffer depression, which both can affect sexuality.

[@kimgordon3695]

Hahahaha

[@sandworm9528]

@@janja14 I think this is such a simple explanation, and it's interesting to me that people are more willing to see themselves as deeply psychologically flawed than to see themselves as animals in a cage. The real question is when did the bars descend around us, the industrial revolution? The agricultural revolution? The invention of money? The discovery of fire?

[@annarombeshoov1018]

Witty marvelous book.a must read!

[@VincentTruman]

Outstanding presentation.

[@bennryan2]

just imagine being with this woman

[@fanya3866]

Brilliant ! Best laecture! Esther is amaizing!

[@Mr.Oct___]

Very well articulated...bravo.

[@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454]

I had to detach from my family of origin to gain my autonomy. Been struggling to deal with my childhood all my life. Successful career but struggled in good relationships.

[@ionutboss1266]

12:30 2 forces need for security and adventure-risc 14:41 kid example security and safety with adventure and desire, cum see traduce in cupluri bazat pe relative cu parintii, I need you to need me 16:21 I will compromise my freedom for your security - mother ex and kid 18:00 fire need air, people don't give each other space/air 21:22 take care of him because I need him. Biggest inhibitor needing. Biggest facilitator being independent Confusion between wanting and needing.

[@kbaggetto]

Very insightful thank you for posting

[@BarbElgin]

Tthank you for sharing your gift!

[@donaldmay2537]

Wow she is spot on!

[@LSSYLondon]

So let your partner be free to explore with others and know that there is safety in you always being there when they choose to return.

[@adrianchineaamoros3230]

16:27 An eye opener to understand instead of evaluate, those really kind human beings who are tender and terrifically sensual, yet do not allow them selves to explore and enjoy the revitalizing effect of sex. ❤️

[@kimgordon3695]

17:00 & married the one who has the fear of abandonment; coupled with detachment disorder. 💝

[@skittles2055]

Brilliant! Thank you

[@robyncooper4616]

Love from Australia

[@lydiabrown3208]

29:34 I couldn't help but think of Buber's I-thou relationship! Amazing description.

[@isheanesuburombo3920]

you are a genius!!

[@justme-fe2sf]

Amazing. She nails it

[@AlmaSdance]

One small correction. It was Oscar Wild not George Bernard Show who said, "in this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." You've made the same mistake as Frasier Crane in "Frasier". There's a witty exchange between Kate Costas and Frasier over this on the She's the Boss episode.

[@ewetoobie]

great video. Spot on!

[@tanyapeters9831]

LOVE your humor! I so enjoy your talks!

[@deborahferguson1163]

Very good points!

[@flowerspititlakay6433]

That last piece on Obama was smh... magnificent!!!

[@EuropesNinja]

Worst crowd ever, this was perfect

[@以仁慈Ooi]

Its 2019 and her eyebrows were better and lower back then.

[@nialia1000]

Who cares about her eyebrows?

[@nialia1000]

It's what she is talking about we are interested in, not her eyebrows...

[@noezwayout76]

Eloquent.

[@celiaescalante]

Crassly I must say that after 2: minutes and 30 seconds and I need CBT already. I wish I were able to take rapport like I used to, but rhetoric comes at an expensive price.

[@laylah4utube]

brilliant as always!

[@tthomas3794]

Great insight!

[@billsteinbuechler1145]

Beautiful!

[@EddieSpaghetti07]

You’re beautiful

[@rxgub]

Love it!

[@kimgordon3695]

"My husband makes Salmon on a plank for Me because He knows I love it... & the salad too." 💝

[@Shannon_atx]

I thought this video was about the book ‘Mating In Captivity’. Guess not 🤔

[@emmajenniegardiner]

this is brilliant

[@kimgordon3695]

20:00 💝

[@kimgordon3695]

"Tell Me how You were loved & I will tell You how You Love..." 💝 Wow

[@music.blooming.garden]

You are amazing.

[@TBC_777]

But the way she dropped the mic quoting Obama tho 👀🙌🏽♥️

[@flarosecoulange8044]

Tell me how you were LOVED and I'll tell you how you make LOVE 💖💖

[@barnabaschoi]

Thank for your lecture. Usually women doesn't say sex. They pretend to like just talking.

[@achieng8269]

What a dull crowd.

[@oana1919]

Very dull :)))

[@OvO-OvO1]

She's making this presentation in the USA. And in Florida, of all place. Not exactly the most astute of places. HAHAHA

[@Bouchergator09]

says people who will never understand the complexities of love. the harder you push back, the more this is true. let the insults begin!

[@cesarandrade1987]

To be in this presentation is not, ironically, about hedonism, but erudition. You go to a presentation about eroticism and human realtionships to understand eroticism and human relationships, ideally. What you may call dull others call paying attention. I do. It's wanting to make everything a party what ironically decreases the pleasure you get when you genuinely have reasons and means to celebrate. Pleasure begets seriousness, and viceversa. Order and chaos, stability and uncertainty. You can't expect a rock concert reaction in a conference hall. All of this to say, just be easier on others if they don't fullfill yoru expectations.

[@MACX-eb3cn]

I think they're in shock. lol

[@11stellar]

She explains the problem very well, but no actionable solutions are given unfortunately.

[@phumisibanyoni1454]

+11stellar that's what I was looking for as well. I guess she is leaving that to the workshops that you have to attend to get answers...

[@Bouchergator09]

11stellar there is no one solution. take everything that you see and hear and make it your own

[@evanhadkins5532]

I suspect her approach is helping the inner child feel secure in relationship.

[@evanhadkins5532]

She did talk about making space for the erotic. I.e. setting aside time to just pleasure and enjoy being with each other.

[@kimgordon3695]

If We don't see the solution in the creating an EROTIC Space We have missed The point 💝

[@GnosisMan50]

amorous love, as we experience it, is not love but sentiment... and what about limerence?

[@ancaprodan3685]

love this

[@redbose]

Does someone want to explain Option 3 with the kid? Maybe I'm just aloof but I was left wandering what the details are there.

[@melbatariq2055]

The child leaves the adult, breaks the connection. That's how I interpreted it.

[@FranbellaGrooves]

The idea that we can accept and justify affairs and infidelity because of human nature, and introducing a third can somehow be the missing link to staying faithful is piss poor. We should focus on sexual communication, honesty and integrity if you want to stay exclusive. I expect more form an authority on this extremely important topic.

[@damsonwine3]

Awesome.

[@jessewnts]

It is too bad that the people who need this most, especially those that think they're going to have children and continue on partying like they did before children, and those that aren't married yet, are probably least likely to see it.

[@emmajenniegardiner]

i wonder what men think about this?

[@briannielsen1609]

Emma Gardiner absolutely agree. She is right on track and truly understand the details

[@antitsa]

I have read her books and seen most of her videos, many times, over several years. I do not see her ideas as exclusively male or female. She speaks intelligently and with great insight. She speaks truth, which does not have a gender. If it matters, I am male.

[@benlevine9792]

i thought she was a guru till she mentioned Obama ok i still think shes a guru im impressed by her clearity of thought and her ablity to give it over

[@matosison]

When I gave my husband space to do what he has always wanted to do, that was when he started his 3 years of infidelity, which I only discovered 15 days ago. What happened then?

[@sharonromein8278]

He grew and you didn't, probably.

[@macgeek2004]

They held a SMART MARRIAGES conference in FLORIDA? Well, I guess you go to where you're needed most...lol!

[@MidasMind]

I may just be unwilling to accept the simplest answer, but what do you mean by "the third kid doesn't come back. And we know what happens there."?

[@TheCicciello]

***** divorce, breakup. the kid deals with that situation by running away from it. i don't think there is a hidden better answer.

[@MidasMind]

TheCicciello Thanks. I didn't see that one, fairly enough. Up till now I simply thought she'd been trying to say the kid got killed, which I couldn't understand in the context.

[@Callisto000]

+Midas Mind The best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone. That way the company will be a matter of choice.. and not necessity

[@MidasMind]

Callisto000 While this is good advice I don't understand how it relates to my question, or where it was that I asked for advice.

[@Callisto000]

+Midas Mind It's simple, it relates to the three imaginary kids she was talking about and how two of them stay because of fear, fear of being alone. The third one makes the right decision and leaves

[@AKHMADKKFAMILY]

I like ❤️

[@JC-ww4qr]

17:55 "The 3rd kid who doesn't come back- and we know what happens there.." ....

[@markgicuru9326]

At first I felt like am in a Chassidic class

[@joyceraguskus4591]

BRY I JUST HEARD ESTHER PEREL/A BELGIUM ON NPR….I THINK YOU WILL FIND HER CONTENT VERY, VERY INTERESTING. TOO I AM INTERESTED IN HER BOOK 'MATING IN CAPTIVITY"….O, MOMA

[@autoclearanceuk7191]

She tells her husband `Don`t call me.` That rude, contemptuous attitude is the reason he is not approaching her for sex.

[@jafaralijaffery636]

hey ma'am

[@tapeweight]

I have to move to a different coast before my wife would miss me . #independentwomen

[@JazzyB4.]

wow

[@sorin816]

I think i've found you to late

[@nothingtodo58]

To communicate to another that you truly love them, you must be willing to let them go. Possessiveness smothers love. But does not marriage encourage possessiveness?