Esther Perel’s Advice for Modern Dating

[@Bladescool]

Based on my own experience, I dated the wrong people because I lacked an understanding of what I believe are the crucial foundational ingredients to finding the right partner: self-love and self-respect. After a few mistakes, I now understand that it starts with me. It’s cliché, but we learn who we are in the context of others.

[@lime_88]

Wow. Thats is profound.

[@SpookyBitch__]

You will die alone

[@LK-fn1nk]

Your last sentence got all its sense.

[@Babesinthewood97]

Ok. It’s great to have self respect but don’t forget self compassion. If someone is acting abusive, it’s always their choice, not yours. No matter the level of self respect. Just throwing it out there.

[@tiffanyolson4565]

We learn who we are in the context of others. What an awesome line ..thank you

[@hindasia1830]

I love this woman. She goes beyond all the surface conception of things that we tend to see nowadays all over social media. I heard her once say “don’t expect your partner to be a whole village for you” which means that your partner cannot be a friend, a father, a husband a BFF all at once. There are other important people around you who fulfill those roles in your life and you cannot live without your village and expect your partner to be everything for you. This stuck with me and opened my eyes to a reality that not all of us are ready to accept.

[@flexster5385]

You can see how much Matthew Hussey holds Esther in high regard. Such a respectful and open conversation!

[@Onehuman123]

😊 yes always felt that - not so with sadya 😅

[@bundlewade]

I remmeber Matthew saying Esther is his intellectual crush. ;) So your comment makes sense.

[@viktoriaberki4443]

Everyone holds Eshter in high regards..super intelligent woman ,educated,9 language ,40 years experience...and her attitude and vibe..simple brilliant..there is no other way

[@more4me24]

Younger man picking the absolute right older woman! I am a Matthew fan now.

[@princetakudzwamutiziramuko3563]

'The journey of discovery , lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes... '

[@Ascensionhelpline]

My two favourite humans. I’m so blessed and grateful for being a young woman in an era where these two wise humans exist to guide me✨

[@itsshierlz]

I see Esther = automatic thumb up before watching

[@eleniashioti8754]

Same here!❤

[@aSunkeee]

I can so relate to the first 10 mins - the underestimating how much it mattered (to others) to stay in touch more regularly or initiate connections more frequently.

[@Stella-Guan]

"Chemistry happens in context" - this is what I wish I had listened to over 10 years ago when I started online dating. It worked for many people, but it doesn't work for so many of us. I feel so relieved this year pulling myself completely offline and deleted all apps - never returning to them again. I started experiencing the type of chemistry that is healthy, in context, and that truly makes me feel alive, once again. Thank you Esther for this wonderful insight and Matthew for being such a great interviewer, as always.

[@AmberDempsey1234]

They don’t work for me either, exactly for this reason. I’ve been on and off the apps for years. But I just can’t pick a man based on a flat photo. It’s like picking from a bunch of mannequins. I would get off the apps but they’re the only avenue I have to meet people :( I hate them thoguh

[@barbikinkin]

@@AmberDempsey1234 that’s why I try to not too long and meet right away…that’s the only way you will see if it is truly a match

[@ieltson-air]

Online dating works for shallow people İ guess, in general nor for those who are looking for smt deeper

[@AmberDempsey1234]

@@ieltson-air definitely only works for people looking for sex because the entire experience is based on pictures and visuals. That was the nice thing about websites in the 90s like OKCUPID where they’d be really filled out and detailed. The barrier to entry to create an app is so low that almost anyone can create one even if they’re not ready to date.

[@AmberDempsey1234]

@@barbikinkin but women get thousands of interested guys. How do we even know who to give a chance to? All their profiles are the same, just different pics. It’s hard to go off the pics because I get attracted based on personality

[@MrDanzano]

If these two had weekly talks that's a channel I would subscribe to before it even went live!!!! Fantastic both of you, thank you for this. I'm 33 own a home in nz and live alone with my cat these videos got me back into dating after being cheated on and feeling I had lost all worth.

[@ahvyahvyahvy]

All the best!

[@bumblebee_ms]

Thank you, Matt, for asking the hard questions some of us need answers to. For those of us who feel invisible at any age, isolated with no friends or family. It's really tough for us to feel happy about anything sometimes, let alone sexy and flirty.

[@narellebell5618]

So true, he says sex is not worth wanting, he’s not able to , 7 months no intemacy @ All????!

[@Laphroaig16]

I recently caught up with a friend I haven't spoken to in 6 months (known her for 30 years +), and it was fantastic. We spoke for 2.5 hrs on video. Its so unfortunate that she lives on opposite sides of the world, but technology especially video made her feels closer.

[@bigcatenergy3707]

STOP- we finally get this badass collab on the Libra solar eclipse (speaking to relationships), almost exactly to the minute??? Too good

[@amira4321]

I just searched Esther's birth chart. She has her North node in Libra conjunct Jupiter. Libra - relationships, Jupiter - expansion, knowledge, and marriage

[@shalhevetengelson5850]

I think the issue with introducing friends early is if down the line you break up but they stay in touch with your friends it can cause uncomfortable situations. Or worse, if they’re controlling/abusive giving them access to your friends can be risky (stalking etc) later. That’s why many people save this stage for later once you’ve built more trust.

[@andresfarfan9888]

Yes Esther and Matthew again! Their dynamic is so amazing and refreshing ✨

[@deesmoon3845]

What everyone can learn from Ester is how she doesn’t cast judgement but perspective and understanding of self and that in turns understand others. Her point blank honesty and directive of questions to help one dig deeper within with her education and passion for what she does is a gift to others and separate her from life coaches huge difference.

[@florentinacorbescu3100]

So true!!! A lot of these few minutes tik-toks, so smart and so “to the point”, have sometimes the power, when you are more vulnerable, to deconstruct you instantly!!! Esther gives you knowledge and gives you power, and also enables you to accept your flaws as a human being. Love her!!!

[@queenprotein]

One thing that took me the 52 years that I’ve been on this earth to realize is that it doesn’t matter of who I’m attracted to is a narcissistic or not. What keeps me from moving forward and not wasting years is boundaries. I thought I’d never have boundaries unless i had 100% supreme self love but i found i didn’t need perfect self love either. Self love has grown since I’ve just established my boundaries and not moved them for no other reason other than tired frustration. The self love is slowly happening bc i see the light. The sooner i dismiss people who are not for me and not guilt myself or spend time over analyzing, the sooner i make room for the next wonderful possibility. Its supposed to be a needle in a haystack. The sooner we dismiss the hay the better. 😊 it’s freeing

[@yaki-moon]

Your words resonate 100% with me😊 Thanks for sharing❤

[@bewellwithdanyel938]

This contained probably the single most important thing that I’ve heard on dating. Period. The whole conversation on what a first date and onward would ideally look like felt so good in my heart and so relieving and relaxing oh what a difference it would be if this would be the norm!!!!! HUGE. 100% you guys should shout this from the rooftops and highlight this a lot more. Because I’ve listened to both of your podcast before and it never really clicked for me in this way even though you probably said similar things before Maybe because of how directly it was discussed and specifically the idea that first states are better not in isolation and specifically with the people and in the life that we were living. Although… I wonder if this would be the same when young children are involved in the case of parents who split up the kids are still young! I would love to be addressed as well!!! Thank you!!! 🙏

[@hearttalkscoach]

Very much appreciate the dialogue around men's sex drive not simply being a constant - a person's nervous system needs to be regulated, which requires cues of safety from others, to engage in something so vulnerable and visceral as sex, literally for sexual arousal to even happen. Same goes for emotional intimacy, and men are no exception (although there are certainly ways to circumvent, as I'm sure many can relate to).

[@LiszaG]

“Sex and Eroticism… you can experience sex and feel nothing, but in the erotic, you can do very little and feel a lot. The erotic is the poetics of sex it’s the meaning we give it. It’s the aliveness, vibrancy, vitality, energy, curiosity, imagination, playfulness… “. Esther is Brilliant!!

[@ShopgirlNY182]

When I came out of my loveless marriage of 18 years I thought I was dead inside, until my then boyfriend showed me things can actually be quite pleasurable and wow I actually had sexuality inside of me unlocked!

[@Ohyeahbaby78]

That's hot

[@marleyofficialmedia]

Happy for you ❤

[@ShopgirlNY182]

@ thanks, I’m still single and looking for someone special but in the meantime I’m doing ok “happy enough” on my own

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

At 48:16. When Esther talks about the side by side date, that is definitely a male preference. A date consisting solely of side by side activity would leave a woman not connecting to her date. Vice versa for a man if it's solely a face to face activity. Ideally, you want to incorporate both in a dating scenario. This is why a movie followed by dinner, was a standard date night.

[@d-etoile5596]

Such an inspiring and eye opener interview. Despite knowing so much about the dating world, asking Ester to give her pov was a statement of you caring about the community of dating👏

[@marilynoverton8142]

Wonderful interview, Matthew! I love the concept of integrating a date with your life, rather than having them be separate. Thank you, as always!

[@BooklerNatsu]

Wish the interview was much longer! Love Ester’s work!

[@kathryncothern3433]

Always a pleasure to listen to Esther!! I appreciate the level of maturity and intelligent vibes. Sexuality and Eroticism goes deep, emotionally and mentally, as well as physically. It’s such a special, priceless gift and entity. Self Connection. ❤️ Thank you for this enjoyable conversation. ❤

[@Calida]

I really thought i was the odd one out that wanted the outing dates or side by side dates... so it's really reassuring to know that this is a valid way to get to know someone you want to date! Thank you guys for this talk it was so so informative!

[@CaptOsage]

I’d love to bring dates into my life but there’s two issues with that, one if it doesn’t work out within 1-3 dates I don’t want to now tell my friends and family “person x rejected me, but person y is coming over for a bbq with all of us.” That’s a churn when you yourself don’t even know how you feel about the person within the initial stages of dating. Second, your friends and family have an entirely different perspective, it could be helpful for reference but could also be useless if not adverse in the initial dating stages. That’s why those of us who use apps wait until 2-3 months before introducing someone to our lives.

[@rublo1]

Why do you have to tell them someone rejected you ? You don’t need to explain anything. At that stage people are dating multiple people it’s not a big deal. It’s not like you are bringing different people whom you are in a relationship with

[@CaptOsage]

@@rublo1 most friends and family will ask what happened to so and so, if you keep bringing new people around they won’t take you seriously. Plus who has time to introduce every first date to their friends and family when they themselves don’t know if they like the person or not yet? I think there will be time for that later once you have an idea of who the person is and if you want to be with them or not. There is nothing wrong with waiting until date 5+ before introducing a date to friends and family.

[@coly4ever]

I enjoy listening to her so much. Thank you Matthew for bringing her.

[@introvertmtunofficial]

Mercy: You are a being, gentle and kind. You've carried burdens heavy in your mind. No more should you endure such pain. Don't be cruel with eyes that hold no rain. Don't let harshness be your guiding light. Don't trap yourself in a confined state of plight. Don't rub salt in wounds that haven't healed. Don't reopen scars that time concealed. When wounds are dry, don't tear them anew, Creating chasms deeper than the blue. Don't clip your wings with burdens untold. Don't drown yourself in stories yet untold. There's love you need, a love more profound. Embrace yourself, let kindness surround. Compassion's touch, a gentle embrace. Whisper comfort, find a peaceful space. Treat yourself sometimes, a gift so sweet, A fragrant biryani, a citrusy treat. Indulge in coolness, a scoop of delight, Ice cream's embrace on a sunny, bright light. Each day, walk hand-in-hand with the dawn, Let gentle sunlight grace your way on. Explore the world, witness wonders untold, Paint freely, let your colors unfold. Sing off-key, let your voice take flight, Dance with abandon, lose yourself in the night. Do for yourself what you yearn for from another, Let joy bloom, for love deserves no other. May those who cherish you find solace true, Seeing the happiness blooming anew! If you have 3 minutes, come to my channel and watch a beautiful video based on this poem.kzbin.info/www/bejne/o3eZn3evf79nppI&lc=Ugxp9OR6IITeZgIf02F4AaABAg

[@stellak4978]

You guys are the most wonderful power duo relationship-advocates ever 🥰 Love love love Esther 🤩🤩

[@sailormoon5760]

The last part of this interview is GOLD. Thank you guys ❤

[@joannekissick-jones6462]

This is a really important study. Love addiction comes out of this craving for more felt pleasure desire, but a lot of people do not understand as there is already a confusion around the different types of relationship love. Sensations are pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. A reaction comes if we crave or have aversion towards what we feel at this level & our built perception based on past interpretation. It is important to know self, wants and needs. To not become codependent in an unhealthy way. The other important point she makes is how the mind can get stuck in one place, but the touch may have moved. A practice that is based on Sensations in the body as they are and awareness, is essential if one is to know themselves better.. 😊

[@aellavii]

I think the topic that's skimmed over is how to meet people to date. How to show interest and engage and get into this more. Being out there is one thing but to break ice with a person or be available is tricky.

[@DesignYourBecoming]

Esther Perel always blows my mind! Love this episode😍

[@s.vanmol-heuvels2812]

Love Esther so much!

[@tangledk765]

Me, too! Both of them 😍

[@KateShawn-jv6wh]

Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.

[@user-yc1cf5uf2z]

Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.

[@KateShawn-jv6wh]

Intriguing! I'm curious, how did you find a spiritual counselor, and what's the most effective way for me to reach him?

[@user-yc1cf5uf2z]

Dr Ben Spell Castle is the advisor I use. Just research the name. You’d find necessary details to work with to set up an appointment

[@KateShawn-jv6wh]

Thanks for sharing. I curiously searched for his full name and his website popped up after scrolling a bit.

[@amyabernathy8875]

Two masters in conversation is always captivating. Thank you!!!

[@dhruti30184]

What a wonderful surprise. I was so waiting for this interaction. I respect both of your perspectives.. i havent even started the padcast and I am already liking and commenting lol. Thank you Mathew for bringing Dr. Perell...❤

[@LindaRodgers-xv8ln]

Absolutely loved this interview! Matthew, you ask the best questions! Love Estère’s work, love Matthew’s work. This was a match made in heaven 🫶🏻

[@kristinetank3959]

Thank god esther is making the rounds again....someone worth listening to!

[@maggyxchuu]

Loved this entire episode. Very thought provoking and also her hair is BEAUTIFUL ✨

[@Polly1589]

What I figured out is that you can all know this about yourself and have an understanding on what you want and desire but it doesn't do anything when you are with people who lack this kind of emotional intelligence. Unfortunately, there are more people in this world who lack it what makes it hard to find a fitting partner who is interested in growing together in any way.

[@ValiantVicuna]

I love the concept of dating in your real life. I love integrating my friends. I am currently building up my friendships, so this is particularly important to where I am in life.

[@andreaforbes71]

She is so incredibly talented and intelligent ❤

[@rosycervantes467]

I loved this interview!

[@chrisjenkins4035]

Esther is amazing! Her words, advice, understanding of human dynamics and needs is on always on point. I love her podcasts and this is just another great conversation and worthy of my time and attention. Thanks Matthew.. Love you too!

[@latchkeykidfilmsLLC]

Thank you for asking that question in the middle of the segment in regards to not feeling the true “feels” often. It takes someone pretty unique for me to go there.

[@fandoms5ever]

So excited for this video. Ester is simply the best.

[@juanitafaust1399]

Amazing impact on my perceptions! Observing a celebrity and creating an obsession has come from my over observing to the point of anxiety. This talk is helping me to get a grip.

[@TheElectronPusher]

Perel is so brilliant and refreshing.

[@heathergrahame9647]

I loved the discussion about sex, how there's sex that you want and sex that you don't want but go along with anyway. I would extend it further, too. I've been in relationships that aren't what I want but I've gone along with them anyway because I think that's as good as I'll probably get.

[@THikkikomori]

What a great interview. Esther is such a marvelous, well spoken, knowledgeable person. I wonder about her idea of bringibg dates into your friend circle. It seems like it would be awkward if both you and your date had no friends in common when you'd first met to then bring both sets of friends together for your "first date." I can kind of see how it would be easier after maybe a third date. I don't think modern dating on apps really last that long anymore 😅

[@paulacretu1263]

I love them both! I am speechless everytime I listen to them!

[@annamarsch6091]

Love the two of you having a conversation. Thank you

[@marygassman-baltierra3530]

Wow! Spot on advice all around. Thank you both!

[@Liurika]

This was so good! Thank you for all this insight

[@juliallorente2719]

This 2 together ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Both are gold in their own right ❤

[@数井霞]

this format really suits me

[@estherchibutia3283]

Wow my namesake is so inspiring

[@84yvy]

Thank you for this enlightening and so heartwarming, hard to swallow pill at times as well, but constructive and healthy energy and insights from both of you, I hope you will have another one as soon as possible.

[@PatriciaAlves-mm9oo]

A much awaited conversation 🎉❤❤❤. Thank you both for your teachings. Thanks to you I was able to recognize my flaws and worth, and know how to express myself in a relationship

[@clarisselopez4749]

Beautiful. Thank you for making it public

[@RalRals]

Great episode! Thank you both!🩷😊

[@milaycastillo5723]

I love this combination ❤ perel and hussey, simple the best.

[@maryc8901]

Sooo good this video ! Thank you so much Matthew❤❤❤❤

[@Christinebord]

Such a clever conversation !

[@jocdran5599]

Loved it. Great content and very instructive. ❤

[@MindfulSimpleSolutions]

Yes!! loove her! Can't wait to hear the whole episode

[@aldajoao474]

This conversation was LONG overdue 🙌

[@tatjana_t]

Very valuable podcast!!! The sexual revolution eroded true intimacy and eroticism in relationships, however, sexual connection is so important.

[@SophiaCao-vg3yp]

She speak the truth and the best as always

[@Atkoag]

I wish she spoke more about having or acquiring the kind of life and how to achieve it. So that you can invite someone into it

[@milaycastillo5723]

I need Ester Perel's books in spanish. I wish everybody could have access to her knowledge!

[@MM-ze6ry]

Apart from the fact that this is an amazing conversation - thank you for so many insights! - I have a question: I loooove ❤ Esther‘s jewelry that she wears on her right hand 😍 Can you give me any Infos on that? Thank you 🙏🏻

[@bree4194]

Pretty sure it’s one of the Ladders to Bliss hand chains by Goldish - she wears tons of their stuff!

[@gabrielaramosoliveira6747]

I understand what she is saying, but i do not agree with the idea of bringing my first date into my life/friends. For me it is a big step! I am not too sure hoe i feel about this date and now I am bringing him into my personal life! For me, it does not make sense! I need to make sure how I feel with this person around then, we can take our date to the next steps.

[@PinPinKula]

Nah.. it just means that you are still not comfortable with yourself and that you likely have different personalities with different groups of people you associate with and you dont want this charade to end.

[@more4me24]

Oh my. After 15+ years between us, a former lover and I met again. We communicated for months and decided to be together in person. It was exciting to think about as I prepared for the reunion. That night, after a couple hours of sweet conversations we kissed. As we moved toward more he said to me: "hop on." I was devastated inside. What did he just say to me? I did my best to regroup and tried to move forward between us. I didn't remember him talking to me that way years ago. This was our first connection after 15 years. I can be wild and enjoy sex on many levels but the first time in 15 years and prior conversations never pointed in that direction??? Anyhow, we met a few times after but I didn't want to be there after meeting three.. Words matter.

[@G-x9w]

So informative! The last question, especially, is spot on for me.. Thank you

[@xianghuilee2977]

Its a really goood sharing from Esther.

[@kimkjrulff1731]

Love this conversation ❤

[@thethingswesay7832]

great advice🙏🙏

[@cynbod]

I like the concept of integrating a date into your life, into something you were wanting to do, but "I´m going on a hike with friends you´re wlecome to join" seems rude to me and would be a direct no....like you can´t even make the effort to see me 1 to 1??

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

Yeah, there are big cultural barriers to do what she suggested.

[@linahome1417]

Esther and Matthew you are amazing and I love to lising to you both ❤from 🇸🇪

[@Chabippe]

Nice podcast, but please keep in mind - do not expect commitment from a man if you are not acting authentic or if you are not able to show the man what are you able to bring to the table…

[@writerspen010]

The dream dating and relationships team right there 😎

[@kamilakamila4858]

I need 2h of this

[@shellshelly5552]

Someone recently introduced me to Tantric, amazing, amazing.♥️

[@隈雪子]

awesome vid g

[@kron8418]

What about people that aren’t good in groups and are better at one to one communication. And ppl who are anxious etc it wouldn’t really be a good result in a big group of strangers that are the dates buddies that are all there to judge you too ..

[@hebaunica]

Thanks for the great episode. About your suggestion to ask our date to join friends, when exactly should we do that (especially in online dating context). I mean after talking just over the phone with someone, i would want to meet him personally first to concentrate with him and assess his character. So, should I do what you suggest after the first couple of dates? Or on even the first date? Thanks.

[@damienbates]

This content is so oriented towards the ladies in both tone and language. Half the time I’m not even sure they know what they mean by the language being used. While I’ve no doubt many women can relate to these ideas and the feelings surrounding them, I’m not sure these types of relationships exist outside the conceptual. It’s yet another fantasy being sold to women which will never exist in reality. Happiness comes from the stories we tell ourselves and when you add too much fiction to it, the real world seems perpetually lacking. I believe these two truly want to help, but it may be good intentions resulting in undesired outcomes.

[@theanodynes7008]

Matthew nailed it so hard at 42 minutes

[@vineson4453]

Really loved this but it’s interesting how culture must be considered here. I am Latin and can tell you that once you bring that 12th date on an outing with friends, they can start giving you a “reputation” (which may not be true, but may occur whether they love you or not) so definitely consider your crowd as I personally don’t want to meet the 15 strangers you are on a date with. 😅

[@opticalman6417]

i have spent the large part of my life being by my self and i am 100% comfortable in my own company unlike most people and intend on being single for the rest of my life i don't need a life partner a relationship for me will only ever be a means to noting there never has and never will be a love of my life so no point me having relationships i am not going to feel a sense of emotional connection to anyone so much has always being missing and lacking so never bothering to waste my time going there again

[@Navefreamo]

I was my entire life alone and I had a lot of situations that I could get into relationship, but thing is, even if those people would be nice for me, if I will not feel that something from first view, then I don't find a reason to even engage at atll. And most of womens that I had seen that something, they all are let's say special. Tbh they were even a lot of times worse looking than those that wanted to do something with me, but I idk, I guess there is some type of behaviour that just attract and it is being similar to harley quinn. Without it I will never even care, and I will not change it cause otherwise I will never be happy in those "normal" relationships.

[@soma-xj2gq]

Every single man looks cloudy in power, if he are married. Marriage is Rich. Bond of marriage is tie.

[@mariellafock3534]

it would be good to have time stamps - its way too long to listen to it all

[@bikira2]

I think to have a first date in a relaxed way is good idea, sitting in the same corner, but meeting friends, it's the worst idea. It would be the same go to interview and have a practical exam. No, never!

[@NBJackson-y8s]

Loved this. But i was so distracted by her eyebrows... They don't move?! Is this surgery or botox or what...

[@HHHH-iw5td]

It’s result of misplaced Botox…paralysis the brow area that allows the end of brow muscle to relax naturally…there’s a term used to describe it as “Spock Brow” because it looks like Dr Spock character from the old tv show Star Trek…she’s such a beautiful woman, wish her Botox injector would do better for her in future ❤

[@NBJackson-y8s]

@@HHHH-iw5td it should be irrelevant, because Dr perel is a shining gem and a gift, but then it is also kinda sad that a) she is not free of the "need" to change her face and b) has a shit doctor on hand ... Thanks for answering anyways.

[@paulinepanarello6912]

Esther says you get attraction by watching someone but suggests side by side sitting dates oppose to face to face I can’t think of a more intimate way of attraction than facing someone seeing their facial expressions, eyes say a lot I disagree on sitting side by side Facing a person is much more appealing

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

Side by side is what men prefer typically. Face to face is what women generally prefer . Maybe do a bit of both on a date.

[@MariaBanholzer]

Merci 💙♥️🌸🪷💮🩵💖💐💜💝🏵️