Examples of Deactivating Strategies (Avoidant Attachment)

Subscribe to stay tuned for more tips and strategies to heal your insecure attachment style during no contact
​
healingwithcharlie.co
/ healingwithcharlie
/ healingwcharlie

[@benf1111]

I dated an avoidant who was in pursuit of the butterflies and chase. She said she was polyamorous but her behavior went above and beyond. She just needed everybody's attention. I'm starting to feel sad for her. I really do wish her the best.

[@sadiqua7]

Lord yes! In the beginning he flip flopped on relationship goal. First saying he’s not ready, then a month later saying he wanted to be in relationship with me. 8 months later when deactivating he threw this first stance in my face saying he told me he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Meanwhile a month before he dropped by to bring me lunch out of the blue AND even called me. Two steps forward five steps back. He chased me for 2 years! Pregnancy scare triggered him I suppose, cause he dipped out of nowhere and from what I can see has gone deep into work mode. Wish he could just have an adult convo and see a therapist. I suggested it post break up and he joked that he doesn’t believe in it and that it’s a scam. Sad. If he comes back? Therapy is a non negotiable- he will HAVE to talk out his stuff and heal. I’ll stay at a distance

[@dorathexplora11]

Charlie, your answer is honest and straight to the point, you don’t lose time. I’ve been in a relationship with an avoidant suffering from depression too, and sometimes showing some narcissist symptoms as well. Based on my experience, your answer aligns with mine. Best thing someone can do with these people is to detach if they cannot see flaws in their behaviour. Wish you the best xoxo

[@JCL-eb9ir]

Hey. Appreciate your fresh, honest and unique takes on attachment theory. Fearful avoidant here and currently activated/anxious. I was in the talking stages with a guy, Staying in the talking stage for literal years. He recently expressed interest and so I suggested we spend more time together and he went so cold - as in COLD as F❄️❄️❄️ he Stopped replying and stayed online on dating apps. That hurt a lot. I am usually the avoidant one… this anxious-avoidant dance is exhausting, I’m sure as you know. The months spent trying to get your mind back in shape is the most exhausting part. Could you please consider doing a video on why certain people make us anxious and others make us super avoidant and where the middle ground might be? I’m in therapy and would like a relationship but I find myself doing this dance a lot and I’m tired. And sad!

[@healingwithcharlie]

Absolutely! I'd be happy to make a video on this soon. Overall, I see attachment styles as fluid. We may have a dominant style we fall into when we're feeling good and secure, but sometimes in relationships we can quickly beyond the other, or both. I wish you luck with everything too! :)

[@sadiqua7]

Same here, my ex is so avoidant it pushes me anxious and then avoidant after starting therapy earlier this year. I’m usually avoidant, so this relationship made me so confused and not feeling empowered. I’m afraid I’m turning way avoidant out of spite lol..only sometimes. But I met a new guy and he was so anxious I had to end it after 2 dates. I mean he complained about my not calling or texting him after one coffee date! And on that first date entwined his fingers with mine while walking afterwards. I guess that’s the ick? I pushed past it and went to the beach with him the next week, he was really very sweet, but the language barrier and his holding me and kissing my shoulder while I was driving was too much!! I just need a middle ground Goldilocks partner. Not to much, and not to little lol

[@pattiking]

Good stuff 👏👏 Glad to see a longer, more in depth video!

[@djenning90]

Right on! Great message.

[@joygibbons5482]

I deactivated 33 years ago and plan to remain that way for life.

[@abigailcosta1716]

Guilty of all of this except the openly flirting with others. Can't stomach to become that kind of person, even though I crave the "spark" I thought I had with my relationship in the beginning. 💔

[@tinac6114]

I just feel like when he pulls away, which means he blocks me for months, he's wanting precious time together.

[@droflivelife]

My DA was micro cheating, emotionally cheating mainly with another married guy. I felt her fb posts were seeking attention she denied it all but I noticed all her male friends had mutual attraction for her. Will they always do this throughout any relationship? This caused a lot of jealousy for me, causing most our arguments.

[@armyoftwo13]

Set up boundaries with her.

[@lhcenjoyer]

So theres nothing I can do? I should just forget him already? We agreed to be friends and never fought, everything was going well. Then out of the blue he stops answering. He pretends he doesn't see me at uni. After some days I asked through text what happened, expecting at least that he would end it and I would move on, but no response. I'm so so hurt. I wish I could at least know the truth. I don't know what to do.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Sorry to hear about your experience. You have options though! I always recommend trying no contact so you can fully detach from this person. By focusing on yourself, you're less likely to wait around for them and remain emotionally attached. You may not get clarify or closure, but you will get to a place where you can choose people that equally choose you when you're ready for it :)

[@SHAYBR33]

How long can deactivation last? Can it take months? My ex broke up with me. It’s not looking good. Last time we ran into each other she was angry towards me

[@astridhanl4861]

No need to smoothen things..it starts with flirting and flirting is fine. And then rules get bent, get broken and people cheat

[@lmart16]

When you say they'll come back for closure, what does that look like?

[@healingwithcharlie]

Sometimes they test the waters by causally messaging you or DMing you. Usually the conversation will be small, asking how you’ve been and things like that and then gradually lead the conversation to talk about clarity if it feels safe

[@charmedprince]

These are all me. Fuxk being unloved as a child 😢

[@chilloften]

So, if they are constantly flaw picking, mine would mimic my pronunciation of words for example, should we first bring this up to them for repair, or should we just exit?

[@healingwithcharlie]

In my opinion, it’s one thing to focus on flaws and another to mock another person. At that point honest and constructive conversation has gone out the window and isn’t worth engaging. Unless they can talk about their feelings without being rude, then repair may be difficult and walking away may be better for your mental well being

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

The relationship becomes very real or commitments become involved.

[@philipramsden4975]

This. I had a woman I was talking to for a few months. We would text all throughout the day and send voice notes and all that. I was going to be attending a conference near her and we had plans to hang out and spend time together. In the middle of a perfectly normal conversation the day before I was flying in, she just stopped responding. Just went total ghost. Totally had me confused as hell. Chased her for a few weeks and went no contact after I learned about attachment. Haven't heard from her in almost 3 months. I hope she's well, she was amazing, intelligent, funny, and just fun to talk to and laugh with.

[@tinac6114]

Wasting precious time.