Extreme Limerence Needs Strong Intervention

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Obsessive love tends to kick up when your life is bleak, and you have frail connections with people and activities you love. Limerence is when that feeling becomes like an addiction, but sometimes, the obsession can drag you into a deeper mental health crisis. In this video, I respond to a letter from a woman who finally caught feelings for someone, but now her life is falling apart.
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[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

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[@buddyneher9359]

26:26 "When you have joy and fun in your life, limerence completely loses its power over you. ... your job is to have a rich life." So many gems in this segment 💥💎

[@maralov75]

It’s two things that are the hardest to cope with the post-limerent experience: the humiliation of being obsessed and the awareness of wasting ones’s life

[@elvan5922]

Yes

[@ourbeach4001]

Dang, I've experienced the exact same thing as the woman who wrote the letter. I hope she can can heal herself and get better. It is truly awful to be addicted.

[@fiction589]

Anna's advice is pure gold 💛 I was also limerent over my gym trainer 😅 he flirted with me but he is emotionally unavailable. I was hooked 2.5 years until I let go of him, went no contact. I went into a depression for like 3 months, then it got better. I now am free from limerence and enjoy life soooo much more without this fantasy love! The way to heal limerence for good is: working on your abandonment wound.

[@buddyneher9359]

8:15 "Knowing what causes it doesn't fix it" 21:25 "There's no other way for you to get happy but to face reality here - and STOP" It was brave of this woman to write to Anna and I hope she is able to take the advice and move forward with her life.

[@alessandro.d]

Limerance is one of the most intrusive and painful depressive symptoms: it's like a mental fog that as soon as my mood goes back to normal vanishes like all the rest. It is at that point that I realize all the time I had lost for nothing and that now I have to deal with reality when the rest of the world around me already is into it since the beginnning. While I was dealing almost completely alone (and this actually occurred for entire decades) with severe anxiety and depression all of my peers were enjoying their lives, meeting new friends, having often several relationships and then finally finding the right person with whom building a family, gradually getting promotions and improving their carreer and so becoming economically indipendent and often wealthy. I see all of them and then I see myself having to start in many of these fields litterally from scratch, like a child or a teenager and this is just surreal.

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

Boom. I guess we accept at some point or another that our struggle has been very real...so likelyhood then those who chronic depressive disorders perhaps are much more prone to other variety of adjacent related things like limerence, obsessions, phobias etc...shadow symptoms. We deserve better yet I mean we are delt the hand we are delt. You are not alone

[@maralov75]

You’ve just described my life.

[@SongofBeauty]

Same for me 💔

[@mauricette6565]

23:45 "limerence is addiction to hope, you must abandon all hope in order to let go of this" that hit hard not gonna lie

[@sheririchardson7480]

Being friends with benefits is a dangerous game to play.

[@katey614]

So very true...and I love that Anna talks about this a lot in her videos, because it's SO important! 👍

[@lizaloren5865]

It sucks!

[@thethreadedtarot777]

For those of you who struggle with limmerence, I found a mantra that helps me a lot: "I like him -for now". Not as a pessimistic view, but as in a cautious one. It has made wonders for me delaying the need to attach immediately. Hope it helps someone else too! 😊

[@caroleminke6116]

The black or white thinking that kept me stuck in limerance as I looked for a safe person led me directly to the most harmful sociopath since my father & I don’t date anymore but try to discern people who may possibly be friend material

[@minniemueh9813]

I experienced a similar thing after loosing my child. I am nearly over my limerence after 4 years. What helped despite a lot of therapy: stop thinking by retrain my brain. Instead thinking of my LO I think of a feather of a phoenix or a stop sign. Doing things I always wanted to do or try. Meet new people. Knowing myself. Learn the recorder. Learn how to crochet. Cutting the cord exercise. You dont have to believe in it. Just by visualisizing the disconnect I feel less trapped. Taking the good out of this by acknowledge his good qualities, that i want for myslef. And feeding this qualities. A big relief was the realisation that I'm whole and I always will be. There is no flaw or a missing piece in my soul. He is not important, not necessary, not needed. His absence makes no difference in what I am.

[@tigress5173]

A long video from Anna? I call that a treat!

[@thatraccoonqueen]

Limerence is a horrible monster for those of us who rarely have ever been romantically interested in anyone. We have very limited experience with feelings of attraction and romance, and nothing but the unhealthy wounds of childhood to draw on. I hope this woman gets the help she needs. If you're reading this, know that you have to decide that you want to be free, and really mean that. Because all the healing in the world can't reach you if you are subconsciously pushing it away because you really don't want it. Take it from someone who knows, who dealt with truly intense life destroying limerence for the better part of a decade, how you're feeling right now is a choice that you're making, and the truth is that you have the power to choose to let this go and be free. It's hard at first, but I promise that you can get your life back and it will be even better and stronger than before, but you have to want it, and you have to fight for it. I believe in you!

[@shannonmarie2963]

Menopause and limerence seem to be buddies. Been there!

[@flower_7890]

He's just not into her, she called him avoidant but that's not what's going on here, if he chased her and then pulled away then yes but he makes zero effort to contact her. She's the one obsessed with this man, chasing him etc, she's delusional that they have some sort of relationship. Time to wake up😢

[@elouiseee]

Abandon all Hope, ye who Limerent here

[@karlareadstheclassics217]

😂😂😂

[@georockstar09]

One of my friends to me, when I was going through a limerence thing: "hmm... you need other options." (in terms of guys I could date). That has kinda stuck with me. Now when I find myself limerent towards someone who is not interested in me I repeat that to myself, "hmm... I need other options."

[@danielwright6277]

At 50yrs old myself, ghosting was kind of foreign to me..until recently. Someone I love very much did this. The profound depth of loss and pain? It's like a death in the family. Particularly having known her for decades. Then ejected like a star in a binary. Lost in a void forever 💔. No words. I feel it

[@confessionsofanavoidant]

While a decade long friend ghosting you is understandably a death... A guy this woman hooked up twice shouldn't be a death.. It should be a bummer, a shame, a disappoint, an ego burn due to incompatibility when you had hope of an outcome, but it's a completely different situation from a decades long friendship.

[@danielwright6277]

@confessionsofanavoidant that's very true. I empathize with the stream of emotions, and she has my sympathy. Human beings are so complicated, particularly in romantic relationships, as a human man, I feel it's prudent to treat others as I wish to be treated. Hurting someone might be unavoidable sometimes, but I'd rather minimize that outcome..being genuine, honest, that helps, compassion always.

[@danielwright6277]

@@confessionsofanavoidant I got this awful feeling my "friend" feels I've wronged her, that this is all somehow my fault

[@deansongs]

@@danielwright6277 thank you. Ridiculously hurtful the people that jumped on what I had to say but maybe it will help me understand people that are terrible and things that are within my own control and my own fault

[@danielwright6277]

@deansongs I suppose part of being human? Is risking getting hurt, particularly in relationships. The only solution I can think of, for minimizing the sometimes negative repercussions? Is repairing my own blind spots, or faults. (I most definitely have flaws) fixing me, I have some measure of control over..the other Individual in the mix? Not so much! The old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make'em drink!"

[@thetopofthebottom]

Omg, there is so much pain in it! I almost feel woman's desperation. If you are reading it, I want to hug you. You need you, your own love and attention! 💗 I've been in limerence too, I can relate, now I'm participating love addicts meetings and learning how not to be one.

[@sakunikaperera6213]

Girl, as a person struggling with the same situation, try these as well. Ask the questions from yourself, is this sustainable, is this the love that I wish for my life, am I happy to run after him for live forever in my life, just reflect your life with him how miserable you’ll feel letting yourself crying for attention and love from such avoidant? Thanks a lot fairy, I love your tough love, I’ve improved myself a lot listening to your podcasts. ❤️

[@LOD50]

Been there done that bought the t shirt. At least she's asking for help. Best of luck to us all. ❤❤❤

[@yasmina1560]

It was so brave of you to share your story. I can recognize myself in part of your story. Sometimes we can be so harsh towards ourselves, accepting behaviors from others we wouldn't wish to our worst enemy. I wish you all the required courage that you need to cut him off definitely from your life. I send you a lot of love & strength for your path towards recovery!

[@vettie]

I relate to this so much. As an addict, the only substance that can make me stop using all the others is romantic love. I don't feel anything from platonic or casual connection at all, and am mostly detached from life in general unless I have a promising romantic interest. Even if I'm the one to hold boundaries and walk away, the separation still sets me up for quite a lengthy and incredibly painful bout of withdrawal when the relationships ends where every moment of the day is spent endlessly ruminating about that person. Mindfulness techniques, exercise, travel, hobbies, etc, do absolutely nothing to ease the symptoms. I end up taking any opportunity possible to induce sleep just so I can have a break from the unrelenting and uncontrollable thought pattern. This usually continues for at least a year with me white-knuckling my way through it the entire time, just trying my best to survive my own mind. It's absolute hell and I don't wish it on anybody.

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

Yes same level limerence...I've now had 2 bouts of it in my life. Derailed my life for nearly 3 yrs solid, each bout. Unfortunately for some people it's a huge struggle...it is something that can take a grip over the mind...almost like a demon or something. I was trying to find an energy healer when I was in the thick of it but couldn't find one. Anyways I am at the end of a 3 yr cycle now. And never went on another date in last 3 yrs. Actually considering maybe packing that in as the risk for ill health seems too high since it is connected to romance.

[@vettie]

@@juliaskagfjord6207 I'm sorry. Three years of that sounds absolutely unbearable. I'm quite hesitant to attach to anyone romantically again as well, so I can only imagine how you must feel. Unfortunately for me, genuine romantic connection seems to be the only thing that I've found so far that makes life feel real or otherwise fulfilling. I'm sort of just numbly floating through life without it. Derealization/Depersonalization/Dissociation in essence -- just an utterly apathetic detachment from everything and everyone that I can't seem to overcome without having romance involved.

[@WolfieWoofWoofMeow]

I think you need some microdosing or a couple of regular dosing psychedelics. Helps break you out of those destructive patterns and break addictions.

[@vettie]

@@WolfieWoofWoofMeow I used to have an annual ritual where I ingested LSD to remove all of my unhelpful attachments, but I don't have access to it anymore and I'm trying my best not to rely on substances at this point anyway.

[@perplexiglas1]

I love your brand of love, Anna. True, honest compassion. Always. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@JR-dt9ie]

Number 1 question? How do you stop doing it? We don't know why? Why do we have self-destructive behavior? "Well, we're human. We had trauma, and we did it enough times that it started to become a pattern grooved into us, and we kept repeating it." How do you stop it? You totally stop it.Go to a happy thought instead. Thank you, CCF❤

[@JcJc-x4w]

I went to a psychiatrist and i started taking sertraline immediatly. That was the only thing that got me out of that black hole. Don't know if id still be here if it wasn't for that. I understand how the writer feels. I also understand Anna's advice. But im gonna be honest, i couldn't do it alone. It was really like an addiction. I don't remember a darker time in my life. I wouldn't eat thinking about my ex. I can't describe how terrifying it was, i felt like i was dying by drowning. The pain was so intense it really felt like i was drowning for real. I couldn't breathe, like my lungs were full with liquid. My friends and siblings were great, but i just couldn't get out of that hole. That addiction withdraw was eating me alive, i only saw black.

[@vettie]

I know exactly what you mean, twin. I'm on the back end of my second limerant experience -- both times lasting just about a year before my subconscious would start letting go of the attachment even just a little bit. Every hour/minute/second/moment wasted helplessly ruminating about things that I can't change about my last relationship... It's even more painful the second time around. I can't imagine going through this again.

[@sunnysunflower5513]

Hi, my Dr. And I have been discussinge going on sertraline. I have alot of severe child hood trauma and my family are really horrible so I have no family (I called them out about the childhood incest and sexual abuse with 2 family members) as I am the only one who is willing to hold people accountable now I'm being rejected and called a trouble maker. I am 38 and heard of this has utterly exhausted me. I feel like this woman over missing my parents and sister so bad (I am truama bonded to them in a strange way) do you think this medication is worth trying ?I am beyond exhausted and have ocd and adhd type of symptoms. I had a phyciatric evaluation and they told me ther ris nothing worng only heart break and loneliness. I am abit of a pick me with trying to make friends and boyfriends. I aware of it I just feel so unlikeable. And really try to make peole like me. Gift giving, baking treats for the work team and trying to bond by getting to know people by remembering all the small things about their lifes. I wonder should I try this sertraline

[@JcJc-x4w]

@@sunnysunflower5513 i can't speak for everyone, but to me, sertraline was a game changer. I had a difficult upbringing, chaotic family, alcoholic father etc. I know where my pain comes from, but even when i was trying to be rational, the pain in my chest and the sadness were so heavy, i couldn't function. Sertraline makes me feel more balanced. I still feel sad sometimes, still miss some people sometimes. Those emotion simply don't eat me alive anymore, don't control me anymore. I don't feel suffocated by them anymore. I feel i can breathe.

[@arzyfakhri]

@@sunnysunflower5513 definitely should.

[@NoLOVEinFEAR333]

"Be rigorous with those you choose to help you" - such incredibly wise words. thank you, Fairy & Co

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@haryel5058]

Thank you Anna. I went to a similar situation with a guy but I didn’t let myself being used by him. Early on , I noticed that he wasn’t caring about me and wanted his cake and eat it too. If she had boundaries and didn’t budged when she expressed her wants , she wouldn’t have been in that position. I send you a lot of courage. Ghosting is really not as simple to deal with but it gets better with time and you’ll feel stronger you didn’t take breadcrumbs from someone who didn’t value you. ( OMG the car thing! I went through it too. Seeing the brand and the color everywhere I went !) Thank God that situation is behind me. I didn’t let him come into my life again and I stand on that!!

[@marinaaing5467]

Listen to Anna I was doing what she was doing since I met a man at 8 years old , thru high school, thru college, thru , employment, thru marriage, through divorce. I thought it happens to everyone. I went through pain like wearing an open wound. Until I found Anna the Crappy childhood fairy. It was hallelujah when she labeled my addiction as LEMIRENCE! I had therapy because name all the abuse from my mother I had it, except sexual. But only Anna had given me the healing I needed. I’m so proud of myself now all because of Anna and I’m forever grateful she is Godsend ❤❤❤at 66 my life if full of joy and hope thank you is not enough what Anna has given to me.

[@louise_8546]

I love Anna's advice in this video and I could relate to some parts of it. In my case, the 'connection' (I hesitate to call it a relationship) fooled me in the beginning because he did show signs of caring about me and wanting to protect me. Then the vibe changed and it became casual and I didn't initially read the signs (or ignored them). With everyone online being so obsessed with 'hook ups' women particularly need to heed Anna's wise words to avoid being catastrophically hurt - and it's essential for those who have low self esteem and trauma.

[@ellensherfey4061]

So appreciative of the truths being spoken.

[@MayThereBeWorldPeace]

This type of addiction-of-hope sounds so awful. At least if one has a crush on a TV star or actor, you know it's not a real relationship therefore you will never feel rejected. (Well okay, some people unfortunately do become dangerously obsessed and imagine all kinds of things are real) . If you know a real person and you either are, or percieve you are rejected, even though you never really had any sort of normal relationship in the first place, it's a recipe for disaster. I had a friend like the woman who's letter you are reading. What made it worse was because she was religious she had every excuse under the sun to pray for the man she was attracted to, to finally reciprocate. She asked everyone she knew to pray for their romance. It got so weird. The man eventually told her he was gay. She even said she forgave him for being gay and didn't care and wanted to marry him. Sheesh! I don't know if he really was gay or not but the woman mercifully moved on with her life.

[@MayThereBeWorldPeace]

You're so good at what you do because you state the truth with kindness.

[@Forgot_We_Were_Human]

Love you Sheri! It's gonna be okay my friend! I believe in you ✨️💖 I'm recovering too. We can do it 🔥

[@WolfieWoofWoofMeow]

I really love that Anna speaks the complete truth to the people who need it the most. Most therapists will do the lightgassing thing-trying to make people feel ok about their actions by telling them what they think are “helpful” lies.

[@kamilasmosna5821]

Anna, as usual, right time and right place. Thank You for this material and many others.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@coach_amy]

6:52 "Sherry" said "partial reinforcement." I am guessing she meant "intermittent reinforcement."

[@deansongs]

Okay, this is dumb. I am dumb. But I'm still going to say it. Ghosting is not okay. And even though stuff like this is all about the idiot on her side, which is who I am, but as a fellow human being, would it be too much for the other person to say, I'm not into you at all? I truly believe that as human beings there is a bare minimum that we should do okay, that's all:-(.

[@Wtfluff1510]

Sometimes people need to take care of themselves, and not the other person’s feelings. Sometimes people need to disappear and not explain themselves. It hurts, but that’s our hurt to process and deal with. No one owes anyone anything. Of course basic human kindness and respect is appreciated, but no one owes us an explanation, even if we think it’ll make us feel better. We have to give ourselves closure.

[@deansongs]

@@Wtfluff1510 and while it is true that nobody owes anybody anything, other than of course a parent or, some other relationship where you have committed something, I don't think owing is the right word. At least maybe you don't owe another person but maybe you owe god, the universe, your fellow man, all the people that have to live with the damage that a person has done to themselves :-). I guess to some extent you owe Society

[@Lin_Eileen]

Would it be too much for you to take a hint & not need everything spelled out for you? Like honestly I get it... I am autistic, I struggle with social cues & socializing, but c'mon... if you are getting ghosted the message is clear that they are not interested for whatever reason & that's fine. You aren't owed a response.

[@Lin_Eileen]

I just don't get why it's so difficult to just move on with your life or why ghosting is so not ok. I guess it's because a lot of ppl say about how ghosting is not ok but when they do actually get a response spelling it out they get upset with that too

[@lauraanon23]

Unfortunately we can't control the actions of others. We can only control our reaction to it. Much love!

[@dinner-at-the-diner]

22:47 me. wild shame to tell you how much I spent and what I believed. I am ashamed, yes. But relieved to have found/ be finding sanity.

[@bitchenboutique6953]

I was the same five years ago. He was only a friend, or so I thought, but he was abusing me emotionally and I had no idea. The “twin flame” idea got hold of me, and there are so many people out there being told the obsession and misery we go through means they’re THE ONE and we need to be patient and just BELIEVE. I was lucky that I only watched KZbin videos and didn’t throw money at anyone. We are so much wiser than we used to be!!

[@turquoisetoile-universalethics]

He clearly wasn't capable of interacting with her. His behavior was unacceptable too. Recently and I only texted her once. But it does hurt and she did not contact me. I had to step back and process my feelings it still hurts a lot. I had to leave the program I was going to with her. I had no support whatsoever from them. It was awful. Right now I'm getting away from it and away from her and I'm not texting her anymore. But I really feel for this person that wrote to you Anna. This reminds me of earlier times when I was Limerent on people.

[@JoHowe-v5i]

Informative and thorough, thank you

[@TheBaba1920]

You ate me up with this one.

[@Valiantiron]

I relate so much to the woman who wrote the letter. And after listening to Anna, it gives me a measure of relief in knowing that I have started setting strong intervention (through friends) so I can stop going back to this one guy. And I'd been doing this subconsciously; I have to wonder if my self-preservation is finally kicking in when it comes to these shitty hook-ups I have with certain men who trigger limerence in me.

[@NoLOVEinFEAR333]

it sounds like your self-preservation instincts have a lot of wisdom.

[@danielwright6277]

@Valiantiron I understand. I just hope the one that ejected me doesn't feel I wronged her so, not sure I could live with that. She's chosen to go..hurts. but I'll have to get right with it.

[@jenmarie2030]

I like the book "It's called a Breakup because its broken" by the guy who wrote he just not they into you

[@janedunlap3518]

SLAA and CODA helped me. Was a journey, but it worked.

[@lizaloren5865]

This can also happen when your life is happy and full and have done a ton of healing. I wasted nearly a decade on someone who always insisted he loved me but circumstances stood in the way. I wish I’d had the wherewithal to wean myself of him years ago. I have now and I no longer long for him. I’m not sure it was more of a waste than a long marriage that was full of problems. Forgiving myself is a work in progress, even more is seeing myself as capable or desiring of any further romantic relationships (which is ok). I’m glad in addition to tough love for the writer, you discuss the shabby behavior of the other person. People with severe childhood trauma need this to be validated. Another reason it’s difficult to comprehend is I would never be so unclear and ghosty and stringy-along with anyone, or as unkind and unfair as my ex husband.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Limerance is damaging to my life!!

[@SE45CX]

Also I hope this woman can hold on to her job despite her breakdown. I also believe an intervention is needed but before that starts to work she needs to keep it together.

[@heathermjordan-durant8684]

Thank you for your honesty 🎉🎉🎉❤

[@lauraanon23]

Oh yeah the stupid tarot card videos. Soooooo much hopium. I hit an all time low last week and found myself down that hole. I was so embarrassed with myself. I know it's BS. That's how bad my addiction is. And I was doing better but that itch started again. I really need to go no contact. Hope y'all are doing better than I am at the moment! Not giving up though.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

She DESPERATELY NEEDS to get involved in a 12 step group of some sort!!

[@Sweetlyfe]

Talk about timing, I have a situation with a woman we haven’t had sex. But I had dinner with her, and afterwards she said she was pretty busy with her life, which she is. I had dinner with her and another woman I used to know a long time ago, last night after the opening night of her show. We had a really good time laughing a lot. It’s difficult because I lost my soulmate 3.25yrs ago to cancer, and I honestly thought I wasn’t going to be attracted to anyone again. So it threw me for a loop. But I just need to leave her be, she did invite me to a gig next month with her band, but I will be overseas, that week. I’m AuDHD so I have trouble with if someone likes me as a friend, or something more. Argh I hate being in this state. I did ask her for 100% honesty whether me coming to her show would make her uncomfortable and she said no. I know I need to let it go, but it’s hard.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

She needs to work on herself and forget about relationships for a while... Maybe forever like I have...

[@karlareadstheclassics217]

It had to be said. Thanks.

[@donnaedwards9687]

I know what u mean.

[@tracy3812]

Hooray for the Tough Love Fairy cutting through the BS!

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I have ZERO faith in Tarot Cards of Fortune Telling... Probably a good thing!!

[@morryswigs2005]

Yes, it's idol worship and no good can come from it.

[@TheActivistOne]

Absolutely bang on, thankyou

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@natureflowadventure4158]

And to add, you can have a friend who continues to talk about that person, still wants to play match maker for you. You will need to tell them to stop mentioning the person.

[@andrewdean7182]

Tough love Fairy ❤💪

[@Maxmili4no]

Thanks Anna!

[@kimsherlock8969]

Some dont want to see the obvious 😒 🙄 😕 You dont get always what you're hunting 😮 like prey . This is a good thing 😊

[@jayshrutisingh3648]

How will tarot card tell u how he feels , it will tell you how u feel . Hope is our dope 😁

[@natalie77867]

What a loser he is. His behaviour is reprehensible. Be kind to yourself, Sherri, but also firm - like a loving parent not letting their child eat lollies before dinner. No harsh judgement, just doing what is healthy (even if it's not what the child wants in the moment).

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I have given up on relationships with women for fear of becoming limerant again...

[@Cybele1986]

That doesn’t work. I’ve never really dated or had a relationship and I still get limerence

[@pmartin6086]

She sounds traumatized 😢

[@heathermjordan-durant8684]

The cuddles, intimacy got her addicted. Its a sad situation. Are you judging her judging him?

[@heathermjordan-durant8684]

The poster, not Fairy

[@zweihanderblue]

question about the no mixed meetings thing.. im bisexual so what do i do lmao

[@joeya289]

Ghosting is a healthy response to obsessive behavior. This writer did not want closure, they wanted to reopen the wounds.

[@amberm5626]

Avoiding someone is straight up avoidant behavior. It may be irrelevant because it's not the letter writer avoiding conversations. However, to project onto it that he's trying not to hurt her feelings could be so untrue. He could be just a real jerk getting his ego stroked and taking advantage. What if he's truly avoidant for whatever reasons of his own. I think grown adults who ghost or avoid serious conversation is seriously disrespectful, and I pray this writer looks at it from a perspective of how he is being disrespectful and comes to closure. I don't like that Anna assumes some people are trying not to hurt others by ghosting when ghosting hurts. As for those saying, take a hint. Why do people have to hint and not be straight up?

[@alisoncanty1894]

I agree. This man is a total dismissive avoidant and should get help before being in any relationships or this will be a never ending cycle with other women.

[@bluecandymsp]

From my experience, recovery from addiction (whether it's a substance, gambling, shopping, etc or "love" addiction / severe late stage limerance like the letter writer Sherry is in the grip of), can only begin when we focus on ourselves & our own health & well-being. When we accept that we have a serious issue/problem & we're the only ones who can do anything about it. We can't ever change another adult's behaviour. It doesn't matter whether the other person is "avoidant", a garden variety jerk, a full blown narcissist with a side of chips or whatever, we can only EVER change ourselves. Anna's advice is spot on.

[@alysonj7227]

Many of the mood and physical disturbances you describe there are identical to the ones a lot of other women your age, including me, are going through. The source may be in part hormonal. Perimenopause.

[@DH-dl3ll]

I don't understand the comments saying the man ghosted because he didn't. He said no, he's not interested, and then he tried to communicate that disinterest in his actions too by not responding to her incessant messages. Her actions were borderline manipulative. I say this as someone who behaves as she did. Limerance is such b**** and I get really embarrassed and ashamed once I'm out of it so I do feel for her. I hope she heals and finds happiness.

[@amberm5626]

@DH-dl3ll but he kept sleeping with her and hanging out, etc. I think most people can tell when someone is really trying to make a relationship happen and string people along. For the ego or entertainment, perhaps. It can be very sick. Yes, she's responsible for herself, and at the same time, his human decency was lacking. His actions were all over the place.

[@DH-dl3ll]

@@amberm5626 **I want to rephrase my response... I disagree. I don't see how anything he did was lacking decency. He said upfront and very clearly that he did not want anything serious with her. Even Fairy acknowledges this fact. If she wants something serious, WHY would she go back after that? Answer: because she is deluding herself into thinking he could change his mind or develop feelings for her if he got to know her... or something like that. He did her a favor by saying so early on that he did not want a relationship with her because she could have cut her loss right there. I've been guilty of this very same thing... continuing to pursue a man who says upfront he's not interested in me like that. Men will sleep with you even if they don't like you, they just want sex generally. He did not ghost her, he set a boundary better than she did.

[@amberm5626]

@DH-dl3ll I agree with most of what you just said, and yes, I was just like her before. Out of pure ignorance of hook up culture and also my CPTSD. I married very young and was with that man for, at that time, half of my life on earth. I knew absolutely nothing about the adult dating world as I married my high school boyfriend. After the divorce, I was absolutely clueless and got mixed up with multiple men who simply wanted flings. Though it was very painful and confusing, I finally had to hit rock bottom. For me, a boundary is stated out of respect. It's clear he either simply did not care or something because although he said he didn't want a relationship, he was, in fact, doing relationship things at least until he magically disappeared. Surely, you can see how she was confused. I know i was. Just like Anna says, confusion usually means denial. We don't know till we know. As for her being low hanging fruit, nope. She was a traumatized and confused person. They both were irresponsible for themselves. That's something that gets distorted in the growing up years. Being taught you're responsible for others leaves being responsible for yourself out of the loop. It sucks. I hope she gets help and remembers her value soon.

[@riverchick23]

@@DH-dl3ll As someone in a similar situation for almost five years, I disagree with a lot of this. If he KNEW she liked him and wanted a relationship, and KNEW he didn't want the same thing, he should not have been sleeping with her, or talking to her at all. Period. He knew that doing so would give her false hope and continue to drag the situation on and on. He could be uninterested, a severe dismissive avoidant, or both. But on some level, he enjoys her company and attention, and wanted to keep it going. And that's why she got so confused and kept contacting him with the hopes that he'd totally come around one day. It's such a bad situation, I know. But he definitely kept it going, too. Maybe he does have real feelings for her, but genuinely is afraid of commitment. But even if that's the case, he should not be meeting up with her at all.

[@Cybele1986]

What if you get limerence when things are nice and quiet in your life? I had stopped drinking and was progressing well in my career when the last one hit. During the most depressed times in my life, I never experienced limerence

[@lauraanon23]

I had it happen when my husband drifted away emotionally from me and my daughter. He's not mean just absent. I fell for a long distance friend. It's the unattainable status that gets me from my weird relationship with my dad as a young girl. Don't beat up on yourself! Just see it for what it is and listen to Anna! She's helped me so much when I honestly thought I was just broke and beyond help.

[@Cybele1986]

@@lauraanon23 I don’t really know what triggers it. I’ve never really dated or been romantically involved with anyone and never had a relationship. Whenever I feel like I’m happy where I am, it comes back and kicks my butt.

[@lauraanon23]

@@Cybele1986 sounds like you need some friends! I know it's hard. I'm not good at friends either. But perhaps you're just lonely. Maybe join some sort of club or association?

[@Cybele1986]

@@lauraanon23 I have tons of friends and volunteer with kids weekly. It’s just that i don’t know how to attract partners

[@lauraanon23]

@@Cybele1986 😭 you should check out Anna's dating course!

[@belaparn7014]

Wow!

[@fayea78]

Romantic love & sex isn't the only intimacy & affections we can have. Intimacy is thought of only in terms of physical but true intimacy, which is really what we are after, is more about a deep connection that may or may not involve physical intimacy. Romantic love & sex are also not the only thing in lif that gives meaning. If one can shift their perspective wider, it might help liberate oneself from this bondage. I had a friend who has so much going for her. Good career, loved ones in the form of relatives, financial stability, but feels depressed because she doesn't have a spouse. Loneliness cannot be filled by a romantic partner completely.

[@elvan5922]

If you could change youur job change it so you won't see him around and you need to talk and talk soon to a really good therapist could help to just talk and go to long walks and a pet could be a good idea .

[@kimsherlock8969]

Sometimes these Woman are not fabulously able to see their own reflection. They become problematic Unable to get on with their delusional life. Internet access to dating sites will bring you ? 😮 A chance Game Gamblers call when the dice roll 😊 For everyone be aware 😊

[@jesuis1776]

Hello, just wondering : should a gay person go into a meeting with people of the other sex?

[@jessicathomson3537]

Earl! Smh

[@Trainermelissa]

🎉

[@malibunyc7259]

It sounds like she would rather focus on this guy and try to "crapfit" this situation into her life rather than resolve her emotional issues and what compels her to pursue a relationship w/someone who has made it clear that he has no interest in taking this to the next level. Did he really ghost her? Or is she stalking him? I think he made it clear he had no interest in having a relationship with her and she was hoping to hook him through sex. They both sound like each would be better off without the other.

[@Karma-zx8qe]

Stop these ads

[@Karma-zx8qe]

Get lost these ads every 5 minutes

[@ikeincognitus8606]

Use a browser called brave

[@elvan5922]

Please stop stop talking to tarot cards and pyshucs new agers and spiritualist .I know from experience because even you don't believe them anymore they feel it and their dark side never lets you go.

[@junkfoodvegan]

Anna does well responding to these limerence type of letters, but not to good responding to the letters in the "gray" or not directly clear.

[@chikannaji6110]

Hi Anna, tell sherry to travel to Africa, she'll find man that will love her...

[@carriesing]

These men risk unwanted fatherhood and are shocked when they have to pay child support. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

[@evagreen9968]

I really think he shows all signs of a dismissive avoidant. And therefore it doesn't mean that he is not into her, but that he is just not able to give her more in order to avoid feeling unsafe himself. The more she is pressuring him, the more he pulls back... To tell this woman that he is absolutely not into her is harsh.

[@ourbeach4001]

It's not harsh it's the truth. If someone isn't actively providing you warmth and happiness then you need to move on. How is that harsh? Maybe you need to look into Eckhart Tolle

[@psalm2forliberty577]

Yes but even if your assumptions are true, the effect is exactly the same to her. She should "cut bait" and look slowly & deliberately for a better more stable guy. Both he & she are playing mind games with each other. No lasting good can come of it.

[@WolfieWoofWoofMeow]

I think you must be the letter writer. Just no.

[@julieannmyers8714]

She owes him a huge apology... better yet, just quit stalking the poor guy!!! Six weeks of texting? She's lucky he hasn't filed charges. WTF is she appointing herself as psychiatrist-in-charge diagnosing him & judging him? Her energy field is entirely dissipating in mental masturbation about someone else's emotional state, instead of getting help for herself. Something is seriously wrong if she's doing this at her age. IMHO, she may be dangerous to herself... and damaging to others. I found this situation profoundly disturbing. I fear for what she might do. BTW, just bc our children reach adulthood doesn't mean we cease being role models & have no responsibility to try to live in a way they can be proud.

[@julieannmyers8714]

@@c.s.102 we know what she said herself... and it is very concerning.

[@NEbluefire]

I don't agree with you. I don't think she owes him a damn thing. And just the fact that somebody is texting you is not a reason to file charges. If they threaten you, that's a reason to file charges. There's not a decent judge in his or her right mind who wouldn't read non-threatening texts, no matter what the volume, and perhaps, at most order somebody to see a court-appointed therapist, and to cease and desist contact because the next time, it will be necessary to consider in a criminal matter. In other words, they would give a warning, and they might offer some help. Your level of contempt toward this woman is distasteful to me. He's no innocent victim. He strings her along, he comes around for what he wants when he wants it and goes away when he prefers. She is needy and limerant and he's a user. It is necessary for people who through no fault of their own are carrying around extra psychological baggage in life to try to psychologically understand themselves and others. I don't think that it does as much for us as we hope it will, but it does at least enable us to see our own patterns.

[@EmmaLue-p1q]

why so harsh ?

[@deansongs]

@@EmmaLue-p1q I'm going to guess she is so harsh because she likes it when guys take advantage of her for sex when they don't like her

[@deansongs]

@@julieannmyers8714 you are right, she owes him an apology for the sex he kept coming back for that wasn't good enough for him. I guess that's why you are out here because the sex you give isn't good enough for your dude. I get that!

[@oldyeller6518]

Casual sex has another name in the Bible, it’s fornication. There is a reason it’s considered sin. The Bible says that sexual sin is different than other sin as it’s a sin AGAINST YOUR OWN BODY. It’s harming yourself and that’s not Holy behavior

[@elvan5922]

Please stop stop talking to tarot cards and pyshucs new agers and spiritualist .I know from experience because even you don't believe them anymore they feel it and their dark side never lets you go.