Heal From Fear of Persecution for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Parents

In today's video I will explain why the scapegoat survivor's fear of persecution is well-founded. I hope to create a compassionate lens to view this adaptation to a narcissistic parent. Next, I discuss a common dilemma faced by scapegoat survivors. Being known has meant persecution and being known now is the path to healing. I will describe how therapy can offer a way to resolve this dilemma.
A link to a Published Book on Narcissistic Abuse:
Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXN2287H
A link to my online course to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.com/webinar-self...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.com/ebook-scapeg...
KZbin series on Shame in recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: • The role of shame in s...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recoverynarcabuse
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.com/quiz/narc-ab...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.com/book-now
Subscribe to my channel: / @jreid-heal-narcissist... #jayreidpsychotherapy

[@kameshiam1674]

I went to therapy to seek anger management classes, only to discover that I was angry with the narcissists in my life. I was told that anyone would be angry in my position

[@xenatron9056]

Defending ourselves, and we don't even realise it. I totally get what you've said. It took many decades for me to stop trying and fully understand that sometimes there will never be any resolution or them being sorry or responsible.... once I came to terms with this, I found that my anger had nowhere to go and it just kind of disappeared over a period of time (well reduced at least). The damage to my self esteem and trying to establish confidence now is the real battle because I realise that my social capital was destroyed by my reaction to the abuse. They really hurt me on so many levels and once the clouds of anger cleared, I saw the pain and grief..... that is where the work is, to restoring your sense of self, which is difficult if you've never been a real person.

[@gogokoko8511]

Absolutely. Anyone who is angry and tries everything -- fight, flight, free, fawn has a normal reaction of self-preservation :) Janina Fisher calls it normal reactions to abnormally bad situations. (That statement was life-changing for me because it gave me permission to stop feeling ashamed about my behavior, and instead process it all.)

[@starseeds8121]

@@xenatron9056 I agree it is difficult.

[@lilaccilla]

@@xenatron9056 Thank you ! that is it exactly .

[@lilaccilla]

I did a role play in a group therapy class for people who were having agoraphobia and territorial apprehension , and or social anxiety . It was in the 1980 s . One thing that was pivotal for me in the role playing of me as my parent and another class member as me , was just that I became aware that my anger was justified then and there . The class member reacting to me as my role as parent was Anger and shock . I was validated . That was enough to feel better about myself .And it led to more study of therapy as a way to resolve these issues . At that time no one was put on drugs , but group therapy was used more . And we also learned meditation , breathing techniques and self hypnosis to treat the ongoing panic and anxiety . When you are a child of a dysfunctional chaotic upbringing its normal to experience a variety of emotions and reactions such as anger , rage , rebelling behaviour . Yes reacting in a way that would be a normal reaction indeed .

[@Alsatiagent]

When I was a child in the 1970s, while in the house, I did nothing but read. When I was twelve I was placed in a remedial learning class. No one said a word. My parents knew that I was reading Joseph Heller, Kurt Vonnegut, John Fowles and memoirs of world sailors. I guess I wanted to be somewhere else. In middle school I wrote a story about two friends who went camping and were attacked by a bear. My homeroom teacher loved my short story and marked it with positive, encouraging comments. I took it home to show my mother. I never saw it again.

[@madelinemsg7115]

I had something similar happen. In the fourth grade, I made a drawing of a herd of horses, since I loved horses and we lived near a herd. I showed it to the kids at school and they all loved it. When I took it home, my mother - an "artist," showed me how to make a "better" drawing using abstract cylinders for the horses forms. I dutifully did it, showed it at school, and everyone hated it. I had a hard time drawing after that though it looks like I had a natural talent, which she nipped in the bud.

[@kameshiam1674]

Ouch. That hurts.

[@Joelswinger34]

It's awful the way these abusive families refuse to acknowledge the truth. I am sorry you were treated that way.

[@Alsatiagent]

From what I've learned about this subject, individuals and some of those within broken family systems are incapable of knowing the truth. MRIs done on certain types of borderline and narcissistic patients showed them believing their own internal dialogue over the facts before them. All perpetrators were once the victims of their very own narcissists.That is how it travels,unhindered, throughout generations. There is currently no effective treatment. Still, although approaching the end of my life, at least I know that I am not the crazy one. Thanks for the compassion and have a decent weekend!@@Joelswinger34

[@mrsqueakthecat.8061]

I grew up similarly. In 7th grade I had bad grades due to being super smart and bored to death in school. I got tested as being 12th-grade 9th month or college level on everything with the highest IQ in the school by almost 10 points. My parents had me held back and put in the Sp-Ed classes due to the bad grades in order 'To teach me a lesson and know my place."

[@Talentedtadpole]

It's an interesting fact that narcissists have an attraction to neurodivergent people - bullying, denigration and exploitation of neurodivergent people is still considered socially acceptable. This has to change.

[@NoMoreMrNiceGuy2003]

The people who do that are class with a capital K. God knows what they do. They'll be dealing with some karma a bit later

[@EmmA-ln9he]

YES! It took me years to just hear what my nutritionist tried to tell me about my ex husband : she assured he was a perverse narcissist (and preyed on me because I was neuro divergent and traumatized) when he made an intrusion into one of our sessions to tell her her method was crap. I suffer from bulimia and she told me from the get go that I was not to diet or weigh myself, which went against his habit of weighing me each week and keeping record on an excel sheet with a graph and everything. I still stayed with him for 3 years after that 😕

[@2012jordie]

I desperately wanted to be "known" after escaping the parents. I wanted someone to see me, create space for me in their life, and give me love & companionship. I've never had a partner or even a really good friend, and I was starving. But between enablers who encouraged me to "forgive" (put up with, make excuses for) incorrigible abusers and embarrassing slip-ups with oversharing and trauma-dumping, I went back into survival mode & over-protection of the hidden self. I refuse to give into generational trauma, but trusting other humans again after this kind of abuse is very, very hard. It often feels safer to just embrace misanthropy and assume they're all predators.

[@ets5697]

Same boat.

[@jessicadora7213]

please don't give up.... There is help out there for us. These videos provide guidance and support!

[@amberfuchs398]

Its hard to undo the conditioning when it keeps getting reinforced. I don't think most people are safe. I think most people are unsafe due to ignorance, denial, etc. "Connecting to safe others" is a nice goal, but there don't seem to be very many around. Emotional literacy seems very low in the general population. Abuse, neglect, and dehumanization seem widely normallzed across the globe. It seems safer to protect myself from others than allow others in.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

100% agree, I used to be very outspoken person, but sadly I just discovered I live in a town infested with narcs, and finding someone decent seems a impossible mission. So i do keep caring for myself, open to others it's quite dangerous these days, mist of people want to take advantage from one. So better alone than in bad company.

[@CanadianBear47]

@@naturalhealingmexico i feel this. i find alot of ppl on vidya games are bullies and i have said mulitiple times now id rather be alone than have friends like u. and i dont want to live like this forever.

[@donovangray4246]

@@naturalhealingmexico absolutely true

[@kobra4422]

Yes I was seen only when I did something "wrong". I remember being on holidays when I was around 15. I hoped to enjoy it since we didn't travel often. I did something not the way mum wanted, she yelled, I started crying and she said: "I don't have to wait long for your next mistakes" - and it was so hurtful cause it confirmed she purposefully waits for "mistakes" to yell and infantalize me. I always avoided doing manual things, cooking, cleaning, renovations, cause she waited on my "mistakes". I indulged in virtual world cause she didn't have digital skills so it was only safe place. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, I didn't even go out of the house except of school due to my social anxiety and yet I was the worst, most misbehaved, spoiled, rude child.

[@evezazzle5974]

I'm so sorry you experienced so much unwarranted mistreatment and pain. You were precious then and are precious now ❤️. Your feelings and experiences are valid ALWAYS!!!!

[@annastone5624]

It’s such a charade.. we really are just cast into a role they want us to play. No matter how untrue it is. @kobra4422 Wishing you find your true self role 🌷🌸

[@Alsatiagent]

The most cruel joke upon people like us is that such behaviour is either ignored or normalized by family members. Any protest met with derision. I thank reading (no video games in the 1970s) for providing me with some solace. This thing destroys lives. Generation after generation.

[@merrycristy]

Same for me :-( it was horrible, I never relaxed. I had episodes of sleepwalking, crunched my teeth and I did not eat much, as during the meals my parents and my brother often discussed and fought verbally

[@kameshiam1674]

I hear you. I tried to be the perfect kid and stayed out of trouble and graduated...but I'm still the loser.

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

Unfortunately, my last job experience was a terrible fit, and turned into a hostile work environment, as my coworkers used what they learned about me to retaliate. So sometimes, it's not completely safe to be known outside one's family either.

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

Boy, do I understand about hostile work environments! I had a top supervisor decide I was a threat to her position & persecute me for TWO YEARS before I finally quit. The HR department informed me that "was just her management style." BULLYING is her management style??!!! I gave up a promising career, all of my benefits, and lost my home due to my feeling threatened constantly, by her and her cohorts. Because internal calls are not monitored, they never caught her best friend who threatened & harassed me.

[@merrycristy]

Yes that's the point! Narcissists are everywhere not only in our families :-(

[@Faith_Chi]

In my experience the work place can be extremely hostile.

[@28jewelsboogie]

The continued flock of narcissists that try to be apart of my life, is my life challenge and personal battle. Being raised by parents both full blown narcissists along with a brother also cruel and a narcissist, all daunting, to say the least. I checked out for most of my life with my friend, Denial. By the time I hit HS I resorted to purposefully hiding my family’s dysfunction and abuse, that was ongoing. Now fully in survival mode. Moved away as soon as able after college in defiance and was punished…… for my independence. And got tired of pretending to come from a good supportive family. So now I try to look forward not in my rearview mirror as much as possible and just accept I can never be what certain people want me to be. I am ok as I am. Adoption is a mess in my case as I felt I had to put up with all the abuse and be grateful as after all …I’m just an orphan and lucky a well to do family took me in at 6 months old. This notion angers me to my core now. No child should have to feel and be abused as I, adopted or not.

[@xxxdftkkhgdrujj]

hey boogie - its about the system - they don't even know they are in dysfunctional systems ( forgive them, for they know what they do) its not about real parents or adoptive parents - they need a child to scapegoat so they can function. I think I'm observing patterns- like they are programmed robots - the play book is the same. I've been studying this for about 4 years, and I can now see their patterns of behavior and even predict what they will say and do - I think I've morphed into quantum AI - - if they so choose - it's about choice- they can choose to abuse you - if you abuse back - you turn into an abuser. If you love them back for their abuse - they learn to love - a love they know nothing about- it's their - whats this strange thing called love moment. In addition, I was raised in a biblical narky home - so I have those bible stories in my head- and all the bible stories describe how narcys abuse their children and how these behaviors are passed down - really bizarre- its not about us and how we feel abused - its about all of us and how everyone feels abused - like its everybody on this crazy trip to no where land.

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

My "self" is buried so deep, I don't feel like I can relate to anyone. My public face is one of kindness, helpfulness, and tolerance towards abusive & demanding people. This is what was expected of me by both narcissistic parents. Asking for help just earned me more ridicule & abuse, giving them more ammunition. My private face got buried in books and movies, as it was the only place I felt safe. I wasn't allowed to have hopes, dreams, or goals. They would rip it away, unless it met THEIR demands. I've learned that people only like me for what I can DO for them. Since I feel I haven't got anything left, due to poor health, I've isolated myself. My life is about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually the people who act like they care about me will bite my hand as I feed them...

[@dapsolita]

Wow I feel the same 😢

[@XOChristianaNicole]

Goodness, it’s like you wrote about my entire freakin’ life. I had been thinking about, this past week, about how movies and music were my escape - I even ended up moving to Hollywood, for a time. Though, my family would do things like my step-father wouldn’t allow me to use the only DVD player, in the house - when I was gifted my autistic obsession of show (Buffy), and it was on DVD. I had weight, learning, and executive function difficulties. He, basically, saw me as fat and lazy. I would always get in trouble, because I spent all my time reading Harry Potter and not cleaning my room. Though, it was something I was so proud of - because I could never stay focused enough to finish any other book. And not only do I have tolerance for abusive and demanding people - I’ve always been One to say hello to those like high school bullies, first, when I seem ‘em (though, I got more entertainment seeing how they would react, than anything. It didn’t bother me to be bullied, necessarily - I,simply, do not like the social inconvenience of such. I more so didn’t like the fact I felt I didn’t have the wit to dish it back out, because of my fear of persecution). I’m coming out of being bedridden/housebound, for a near decade, surviving Munchhausen’s by Proxy, at the hands of my “caretaker” mother. I know all too well how asking for help only causes more problems. All of my health issues were rooted in dysfunctional adrenals/hormones. All the symptoms started around the age of 6. I am, finally, at a place where I can live on my own; and thanks to circumstances - she is moving out of state, in a couple weeks. The property has a gated chain link fence I leave locked, at nearly all times - even though I live in the town that was nearly completely destroyed, in California’s most deadly wildfire, back in 2018. I’ll drive through the fence, if I have to. I feel much better with it locked. I do everything I can to make sure I don’t need to leave the property for anything - which, is my grandmother’s property, whom was actually diagnosed with NPD, yet, treated me rather well when I was growing up; and didn’t neglect me, like my mother and her ex-husband. Thankfully, my best friend growing up just moved back to the area, at the very same time. Him and my mother were close, though, he understands I have been through some beyond gruesome horrors and absolutely inhumane cruelty, this past decade, because of what I went through with her - and he has never once question anything, nor does he attempt to make any sort of excuses for my mother. It’s really nice. Plus, being my family lost our homes in the fire, and I now live in a fifth wheel - his family owns a very successful RV repair shop, and have been so helpful with anything I need. Other than that, I am not willing to make many new friendships - and very tentative about rekindling old friendships, from my youth (my mother was always the cool mom, that got along great with all my friends). Having my closest childhood BFF understand is enough, outside of therapy. I feel like now that I do not have my mother around me, anymore - and her moving out of state, soon.. As long as God keeps providing me with my health continuing to get better and financial security to successfully live on my own, without my mother - there are very few shoes I care about dropping, at this point. Of course, God forbid.. I pray those I care about are safe and such, though.. I can handle anything, as long as that woman is as far away from me, as possible, in every possible aspect. I feel like I can breathe easier, literally. And the amount of creativity I feel, not being on guard and edge, all the damned time.. I am so thankful, for the way things have gone. My prayers and heart go out to you. I understand exactly how you feel.

[@yl5020]

​@@XOChristianaNicoleMay God bless and heal you🙏🏽♥️

[@maijab]

I feel the same

[@kristamanahan8114]

Ughhhh so many of us out there. God sees us.

[@KG-ec4zz]

Like many of you, I thought I'd found that 'safe' relationship with my narcissistic husband of 23 years. Finally, the light is on.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I would so deeply appreciate if you did an episode on the vicious cycle that happens when a former golden child gets scapegoated or when the family pattern is to inconsistently shift the scapegoat role around to the weakest member

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

Oh yes! The inconsistency was so destabilizing for me as a teen!

[@moonpleiades99]

Not necessarily the weakest, but the most vulnerable at the time.

[@wisdom_may]

wow , that is such a great topic.. there was only two of us and the older bro. got the golden chid while i got the scapegoat role. but its absolutely true.. its a panic situation when there are more siblings in the family .. also my golden brother sibling had honestly asked for forgiveness and saw his wrongs when i had contacted Police to become involved and a tall stern caring officer showed up( this was the 1980's) and he chastised both parents for condoning the trauma .. my bro. was so enamored by him or in awe of him . and both of us you could see on our faces we wanted him to be our parent.. there is no way he could have been raised to be cruel if he had not had our parents .. and he had gotten so influenced when he saw this is how a man should act . he should protect both children . no child deserves to be targeted ever . but also no child deserves to be raised to become accepting of being cruel to who the weakest one is that is chosen .. i was so grateful that it changed my brother in such a positive way ... there is no chance that he ever took sides against me anymore .. it was such a blessing.. what woud be another good topic is speaking on how the massive hiring of bullies on the police force that actually further victimize the scapegoat and devalue them in front of the family when they ask for help . how devastating that could also be .. but yes i agree this is a definite issue ..

[@youareonlyhope]

@@moonpleiades99 good distinction

[@anne-vc7bg]

I think we should stop equating the GC role to the favorite child role. Narcissists don't have favorite children, not even like a favorite toy. The GC role is instrumentalization, gratification and manipulation. "Oh, you are such a loving and caring child, the neighbors is a waste of space that doesn't care for his parents or want them to be proud"; "oh, my child is so good at sports, it's not just my good genetics, we worked hard for his achievements, sacrificed and modeled discipline"; "oh, look how stupid you are scapegoat, your GC is so much better than you, why can't you be more like them"... all these are NOT about the GC, they're about the parent. Golden children have it just as bad as scapegoats, it's just packaged differently, and a slower pace for the same distance. That's why it shifts so easily - it has nothing to do with the kid.

[@nickh8773]

Doing God's work buddy 🙏 thanks

[@llm8268]

In our family, the siblings have always been against the scapegoat and to their dying day they still need the scapegoat. After you’ve moved far away, and Even when you continue to give, they are still on the attack and they still need to judge you as lesser. They can put on a false front, but in the end they need the “ other” to look down on. These roles are ingrained.

[@elouisetimpson2981]

This is the tough one with siblings……. I am always seen as less than and have been diagnosed with EVERY mental illness possible…. ( heartbreaking 💔)….. I find myself feeling extremely content alone but know I would like the option to be able to be myself…. ( sorry 😞 for long reply)… I feel my siblings leave me out all the time….. fine…. Still hurts. I constantly ask “ have I done anything wrong”? … no reply. Anywho…. I am studying law at the moment…. Concentrating on my health and diet and really getting to be not upset as much….. hope everyone finds peace and authentic happiness. 💕✌️

[@annajaworska3627]

Same in my life. A few years ago my older sister, in her 70s, who molested me told me that I was a bad child. I had to talk with her because of court case. I asked her how do you know that I was a bad child? She didn't know how to answer. I was not afraid of her anymore after years of therapy.

[@Lyrielonwind]

​@@elouisetimpson2981 English is my second language. I love the following sentence: ;rejection is God's protection". You don't need anyone like your siblings. I'm also the scapegoat of my family. They won't ever change but is not our fault; you can't blame yourself for having parents who behave as toddlers. Nobody else opinion defines us and we need to know our worth and not expecting validation from outside; that makes us the perfect prey for predators.

[@elouisetimpson2981]

@@Lyrielonwind Thank you for the reply ….. I totally 💯 % get what you say. They won’t ever change that’s for sure….. and we can only take responsibility for our “ own” healing ❤️‍🩹…… I realise now that it’s best to isolate until I heal some more because spot on ….. we can attract sharks 🦈. This is the hardest lesson I have ever undertook and I wish the best for you!….. we are more than worthy and have to be who we are!…… 💕✌️

[@elouisetimpson2981]

@@annajaworska3627 so sorry you are going through this!…… and therapy is great at shedding light 💡 on what’s going on with us and sometimes others. I wish you the best on your journey…..✌️💕

[@deathuponusalll]

My goodness Mr. Reid your insightfulness never ceases to amaze me and once again you’ve manage to put I to words things that I would struggle to explain to others what goes on in my world

[@nickh8773]

Very true well said

[@ChrisMeadows1992]

Sending you love.

[@CS-rb4qi]

Agreed 100%

[@deathuponusalll]

@@ChrisMeadows1992 thank you and likewise ☺️

[@rosettesionne9139]

I was litterally called mentally deranged and abnormal each time, I tried to expresse my feelings and dissatisfaction about someone or something so I had VALID reason to hide my feelings

[@Daysleeper1000]

My private self was under lock and key, as you described in Jeff's experience. Of course, I was accused of being "secretive" by my covert narc mother, who, in turn, felt entitled to violate my boundaries by listening in to phone conversations, reading my diary, literally spying on me/ following me, and going through my purse. I've had therapists tell me to journal, and I just cannot. To this day, I have no absolute trust to open up. I can't get there. Not yet. I've thought about locking a digital document, but just not yet.

[@miketesla8550]

I know what you mean. No respect whatsoever for your personal boundaries. It's like Hell on Earth.

[@z1z2z3z]

This is exactly my experience! I was lucky to have a therapist who helped me realize I didn't have anything wrong with me, I only needed to work on my self-esteem.

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

Always feared even now that I will be judged as mentally ill. That is because I was told I am all the time growing up.

[@starseeds8121]

I understand.

[@anntrope491]

Sounds good on paper...but after all the abuse...I'm good on my own. Thanks anyway.

[@starseeds8121]

I understand.

[@moonpleiades99]

Another spot on video. I hate letting people know much about myself.

[@xxxdftkkhgdrujj]

I'm a scapegoat survivor - and I met a therapist hr person in my 20s who sort of understood my issues. I learned how to be safe as a couple- married for 35 years. Then I changed my job during COVID ( that took the world into survival of the fittest trauma triggers of helplessness in the face of a tyrant) and was immersed into my childhood narky land, and all those abusive scripts got activated within myself and almost everyone I'm working with - this brings to me an understanding that everyone's been abused in childhood- if this is so - then we have a huge culture issue. I write this post for others who were also abused - I have dealt with my traumas for 35 years now -but trauma brain is always there and will always be there - When you know just how deprived people can get - you will never forget - and what I'm observing in the world right now - is that we are being lead into hell on earth. My hope is that people will educate themselves about how dysfunctional our culture (billions of codependents) is and that safety, health, and love are available and possible for all of us.

[@1RPJacob]

6:45 Exactly! My old inner talk: "Those people like me because somehow they don’t see that I'm uncool". It was never because they found me as a cool person to be around.

[@fairygurl9269]

Respect ☮️ I Even Go So Far as To Say That My Cat Only Loves me Cause I Got Thumbs. ( To Open Her Food )

[@billd66]

I was an only child, so my situation was kind of odd. I would say that my dad treated me like a Golden Child as long as I fulfilled the role that he wanted. Excelling at academics, and forgoing pretty much everything in the pursuit of a straight-A average at school, bringing home those straight-As, and setting myself on the path to a remunerative STEM degree and career. The minute I made any kind of mistake, even a small one, or acted in a way or expressed thoughts or feelings that he thought didn't fit his model of what I should be, I flipped to being the Scapegoat and was subjected to abuse. Attempts to make myself known to my peers, at school, were met with scorn, derision, ridicule, and mockery, from the earliest grades. So I learned to hide myself there as well.

[@winterqueenkel]

You are the most brilliant narcissist therapist on Earth. I appreciate it so much.

[@therealdeal3672]

Jay, when I watch your videos I feel seen and understood. You nail it every time. So much of my life was spent presenting the safe me to my family. After my mom died I went no contact with the four surviving siblings who ganged up against me and it's the best thing that I ever did for myself.

[@lesliegann2737]

Then, since they are blind to cause and effect, they like to frequently point out how you are such a private person as if it is the worst thing in the world, right up there with serial killers lol.

[@Joelswinger34]

It's also hard to even know who you are in those circumstances, never mind show it to anyone else!

[@privateprivate8366]

For me, the problem hasn’t been my now-deceased narcissistic mother so much, even before she died. It has been going through probate, with a malignant narcissistic sister, who doesn’t even know why I left, not that that would matter. But, also, the continued enablers, near and far, some of whom never even met my mother, who take motherhood above them abusing their children. Lots and lots of sick people.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Each and everyone of the narcissists we have met adds but everything originates from our parents. From that moment on, we go on putting up with the abuse coping as we can until we heal or break.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@Lyrielonwind I don’t think it always starts with our parents. I’ve crossed paths with many narcissists in the workplace, along with their entourage of people who don’t or do know better, than to support them, but who do so anyway. Makes for a very toxic brew to draw a paycheck from. And I haven’t always put up with it. I went no contact with my mother, who passed last year, I’m about to be rid of my sister, when probate ends and I’ve backed some narcissists into a corner, dependent upon the dynamic. Even though my boss comes from a narcissistic family, has hired narcissistic people, who have done damage, while she blatantly ignores or supports them, I’ve felt that’s her problem and I took care of them myself, because I wasn’t living like that.

[@katehourigan2203]

would be great to hear more about the loss of agency and submitting when someone is kind...thank you for putting this feeling into words, you're videos are really helpful

[@scourneene]

Wow excellent insights! Thank you!

[@weaselwacker5462]

The only time my mother treats me nice is if I did something for her or her house. The rest of the time Im treated like I dont do anything and am lazy. No regard for my own busy life. and tells family about my yard work. Yet never tells them anything else Ive been up to in my life, such as school or church or anything at all about me.

[@valbonariver]

Thank you SO much for being dedicated to making this dynamic more widely well known. I’ve been aware for quite some time and so thankful for this focus

[@mtc-j9i]

This is the one. I need to watch it several more times. I pray I find a therapist like this one day.

[@stanleydrive740]

Oh my, that was me! I hid, my whole life. It wasn't safe to be seen for who I am. Thank you!

[@Melissa-Sue]

When I was a kid, My dad was beating on My mom, I stepped in and told My dad to stop, and he beat Me. I told the cops and My mom, blamed it on Me: I never protected her again. I moved to My grandfather's, and My mother lied to My grandfather... and I was returned to the woman who villainized Me. I tried to help My mom once, but because I wanted to make money is a legal way: going to school, she threw Me out. Cops have even used My mom: to try to have Me murdered, as per hatred to My race, by a woman who was set on killing Me: white Canadian cops were accomplices, to which I was freed from all their evil clutches: by a white guy. I seem to live a better Life, without My mother. I don't allow My mom to control Me anymore: she tries, but boundaries are boundaries.

[@bookbeing]

Your mom sounds hazardous to your health. Stay safe. 💜🙏

[@dean8705]

Yeah I've got this. There was a bar I'd regularly go to, and the random hostility I'd get from workers there made me feel like it was my fault. I was blamed and shamed. I then realised it was a lot to do with them and their unresolved problems.

[@diatribe5]

When I used to drink, one of the regulars there said something about voting with your feet. If you don’t work at that bar, then you are free to boycott the place. Although drinking at home is boring, it saves some money and you’re not rewarding terrible service.

[@annajaworska3627]

Thank you for this video. The word 'prosecution' fits very well the level of my fear, anxiety of being judged, monitored not feeling trustworthy in almost every public setting. Being with people or among them is very often too much to cope, to deal with. I feel very sad that I keep projecting onto others my mother's prosecutorial being towards me. Could you please address the issue of cognitive dissonance in your future video, in context of childhood trauma. I want to stop acting, behaving against my own self. ☮

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

I feel those same ways! Didn't understand why I was always sure no one would like me, or want me around, or actually "see" me and I could be safe. I live on a busy street and am afraid to do my front yard work for fear of other's negative thoughts! Didn't know I was projecting my mom; thank you so much; now I can work on it since I know where it's coming from or based on. I never knew the extensive damage she did 😢 I'm so glad she's dead!!!!

[@XOChristianaNicole]

“Happy for them - not because of them.” Goodness gracious, that hit home. And I, definitely, feel like I have to serve someone, in some way, after they are nice to me and give me attention I appreciate.

[@Amanda-cy5il]

My stepmother openly states that I harmed her at 3 years old when I apparently told her she was not my mom. My father and the family accepts that answer as her excuse for abusing me. They kicked me out at age 15 and even though I wanted to communicate with my father, my physical body would not allow me to pick up the phone since that day.

[@miketesla8550]

I know what you mean.

[@starseeds8121]

I understand.

[@StankFernatra]

Thank you. A therapist helped me leave my parents, with their "I hate you/Don't leave me," self-harm & scapegoating. The above piece reinforces my managerial style, training & leading [often abused/dysfunctional] apprentices in their skill-building, self-care & productivity, in a good way.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for an extremely validating and supportive video. Healing goes on slowly and the power of respectful and truthful conversations is enormous. The truth will set us free. ❤

[@tbunnyshy1]

It is depleting the life out of me, still living in this family unit. I am ready to tell family secrets. They are hiding my nephews inheritance and spending it. My sister is very entitled and controlling, exploiting and manipulating her son. “I’ve been feeding you for 20 years!” He is being mentally tortured and he is a kind, sweet gentle soul. It’s not right. I’m tired of keeping secrets for the sake of narc boundaries.

[@Oliversamuels60]

I feel like I dont want to show the narc parent she was wrong about me and delusional, I want to irridicate her voice in my head totally and genuinely see who I am and explore myself

[@mayberry8620]

I just had a doctor try to put me in a psych unit but when I got to the hospital the doctor agreed that I wasn’t in psychosis. My Dad was a covert malignant narcissist and my mom was a dark triad. I’ve actually never been in a non sociopathic relationship. I’m not like them though! I have been difficult though, my cousin kept demanding I do what he wanted to yet he did show empathy except he was also dominating and didn’t care when my dog had seizures. My nervous system is in dorsal polyvagal around people. My cousin wasn’t that kind. He has never dated and my other cousin is constantly drunk and has MS. My Uncle is a sex addict. My Dad became a pedophile and always blamed other people and even a plant.

[@desixdelilah]

Wooow, this is right on time! I’ve been healing around visibility and writing about it also!

[@spottedfawn639]

Thank you!!!

[@user-gt3yz4tb8g]

WOOOW This explains so much, so clearly. Its not easy for other people to understand why I am so guarded and I end up coming off as a sketchbag because I rarely share details about my life. But I was so consistently attacked for well any thing about my life, that I feel like I just dont know when its ever safe to be open with anyone. Even in therapy I had to try and explain this and the therapist didn't get it.

[@seykai]

Thank you!!

[@angelcoyote9802]

I identified so deeply with this... Thank you.

[@booginas]

Again --- THANK YOU 🙏🏾.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Excellent advice. Thank you very much.

[@Momofone1982]

Thank you!

[@Abulina09]

Thank you 😢🥲🥲

[@ricalina4371]

Great vid! thank you! 🙏

[@emeraldstream]

Thanks for sharing. Interesting

[@CurtisMoe]

Great video Jay

[@lorrainew7529]

This makes so much sense. I am so very grateful. Thank you 🙏

[@CanadianBear47]

for me i call it my shell. helpful as usual.

[@yl5020]

Thank you

[@Angel-se4zm]

Perfect timing- thank you!

[@tomchurch2285]

Excellent video! It all sounds all so familiar - but in a validating sense!

[@fairygurl9269]

Respect 💞

[@audhumbla6927]

apprecchiate you so much Jay Reid ! 🙏🏻💗💗💗

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

I appreciate that too

[@user-qt9or4xu9l]

Defenantly this is beneficial for anyone wanting gain insight knowlegde with this guys teaching ...feal teaching deep think good stuff

[@MSB780]

Wow 🤩

[@inira7418]

I think you can include also siblings on the abuse, in my experience they maked an important rule as much as from parents

[@mayberry8620]

Everyone says to be happy with my inheritance, the only problem is I ended up back at my parents house when I got off Suboxone for trigeminal neuralgia and I began having full flashbacks of a childhood I honestly don’t remember hardly at all. My parents took over my grade school and then I ended up in two treatment centers. I should have let them take me away from my parents yet I was already in a trauma bond with my Dad and Mom.

[@Faith_Chi]

Since the scapegoated child's soul is hijacked it takes the scapegoat, themself, a huge effort to find their true identity.

[@Roswell33]

Yes - but it turns out I'm Autistic, so there was something going on.. Figured that out at 37. I've had some really bad therapists too

[@diatribe5]

This video brought up the relationship with the therapist, which was good, because I’ve noticed that in the comments in the earlier videos, some survivors have had trouble with therapists who proved untrustworthy. As far as opening up, I’m not sure if many others feel similar, but I can’t stand the nosy types of people who pry with intrusive impertinent questions. If someone is easy to get along with, I find myself just volunteering information and stories about myself, and they do likewise, so neither of us is too inquisitive. If only everyone was like that, I’d have an easy time making friends.

[@EmmA-ln9he]

Very interesting, as per usual. I have a question, Jay : I think it's my interpretation, but when I watch your videos, I feel like you're discribing a person who dimmed themselves to soothe the parent (again, maybe it's my interpretation). But in my case I feel like I've never submitted, which of course led to more violence and attempts to break me, up to my father strangling me for demanding my brother and I be treated equally. Of course, they did a huge amount of damage that I'm still living with (worthlessness, a permanent sense of guilt and shame and a deep conviction that I will never be loved and valued, and a difficulty to empathize with others), but I've never agreed to the fate they had for all of us and managed to outsmart them and escape their environment, system of belief and even their country. Could it be because I'm neuro divergent so I didn't accept what didn't make sense to me? Or because on top of the scapegoating, I went through some pretty traumatic events (I was kidnapped at 4 and punished for it and SA'd repeatedly by adults around me), so anger has kept me from breaking? Thank you 🙏🏼

[@beachystarlovelife3869]

You escaped! So good to hear that. Yes I think most scapegoats do try to soothe their NPs, I know I did, it is how to be safe and remain somewhat connected to the monster who rules their life. Sounds like you see things clearly and are a truth teller...so dangerous to their egos, like sandpaper on their wounds. Doubly dangerous to you, being strangled!!! My parents repeatedly tell me "We made you too truthful" like it is a failing. I just think "Well I would rather honour my reality than yours" and " You didn't make me, I made myself" But I don't say anything back, it just leads to attempts to humiliate and ridicule me. Maybe you are braver and more inclined to speak your truth despite the horrible consequences? I think I admire your anger as it comes from a place of justice. I like to evaluate life using science and discover my own truths through experience. This does not mean I don't try to understand the mysteries of a spiritual life. Lots of people do that with lots of different outcomes. Sometimes I forget or don't realise that they will take offense at what most people would hear as a respectful discourse. For this Dad will get up and shake his fist at me and threaten me. I have avoided being in his physical presence for seven years now ( I live 4,000kms away) but his malicious phone calls 2 or 3 times a year are disturbing and I need to find the courage to refuse to take his calls. This will unfortunately mean Armageddon will fall upon me from the rest of the family. It just seems easier to make excuses to get off the phone and wonder if, at 96, he will kick the bucket soon . On the other hand when I contemplate No Contact with the family I feel elated. P.S What does SA'd mean?

[@EmmA-ln9he]

Thanks! I wasn't and still am not good at confrontation so I would go into freeze response, but I was relentless and would try again later. It was just not an option to do otherwise and I had been aware of it since 1st grade when the teacher told us about Adam and Eve and my first instinct was "F' this sh*t, I'm a Lilith y'all!". I can't explain how a 6 yo knew, but I knew and spirituality sure did answer that why for me! Fortunately, them being old money, captains of industry and politicians, their reputation was very important to them and everyone had to go study abroad in Europe/US/Canada and that was my window of opportunity. Came to France, studied hard despite being forced to go to business school 🤢, but I kept my goal in mind, got a corporate job, saved up for 2 years, that's when they started putting the screws on me to go back and get married (I was a spinster at 26 and actually the oldest a woman has been single in the family 😀), so I just valished over night because I knew they meant business. BUT it had to be all or nothing, so I gave up contact even with the few people I LOVED in my family and never looked back, was eventually naturalized French, seized the opportunity to get a French name and felt protected at last. 13 years after I disappeared, I decided to meet my father and my father alone because he was getting old and I wanted to give him a chance to show me he had evolved, but nope, still pulling the same crap, pooping on every choice I made in my life and harassing me to get back in touch with the rest of the family despite me telling him repeatedly that I wasn't ready and that he needed to respect my limits. But to him I'm property, not an independent person, therefore the concept of limits didn't apply to me. I kind of enjoyed his powerlessness because we met in Europe where I am a citizen and they're not and he couldn't try his old crap on me because then I would press charges and bye bye to getting a visa for him. So I don't know if this applies to you, but no contact with everyone was the best option for me because it kept me from having part of my family meddling and guilting me into getting back in touch with them when they had no idea what I went through. SA'd means Se*ually abused.

[@EmmA-ln9he]

PS: honestly, life is too short, so what's the point of staying in touch with him or with people who would bring Armageddon upon you? What positive things do those people bring into your life? It's YOUR life and yours only. It's not their sandbox!

[@beachystarlovelife3869]

@@EmmA-ln9he Four years old and all that happened and they blamed you! Scapegoating doesn't cover it, malicious, sadistic, cruel and ignorant just about perhaps. You needed your anger to survive I'd guess. I can see why soothing them would be actually dangerous. And for a long long time until you could escape. Ironically used their money which made you a target for kidnapping. Then at six you rejected the Adam and Eve story which blames Eve for Adam's downfall and all of human suffering. Incredible insight based on personal torture. Like Jay says , the parasympathetic nervous system remembers and we all can be be triggered and freeze. Happened to me even 30 years after a traumatic event, I was scared and looking for the exit, without any conscious recall of the incident. Only worked it out later. Nice story about giving your father a second chance and keeping your power and yourself safe. He was honoured but blew it. Like all of us you deserve peace, joy and love in your life. I is just so hard to trust and overcome the traumas. Trying again, compassion for ourselves, and finding safe people is a good part of the solution.

[@beachystarlovelife3869]

@@EmmA-ln9he Yes I really question my sanity at times. However sometimes I find I can stand up to him in a dignified way and feel better for outsmarting him. Plus I am going to refuse to take the next phonecall. I said Armageddon because I didn't send him a fathers day once and it led to me telling them what I thought about the way they treated me which didn't go down well at all. Haha. But I have come a long way since then and think that very very low contact is best for me.

[@julianal.573]

💐

[@weaselwacker5462]

I wonder is a narcisisst mother causes teeth grinding at night? I always have and still do grind my teeth while sleeping.

[@amberinthemist7912]

Me too.

[@10Hags5]

I was Jeff

[@magicwandm]

Idek how to be myself anymore

[@magicwandm]

😭😭

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

Yes but where oh where are the in person communities of like minded helping groups of victims of narcissistic abuse?

[@Ana-jj4pj]

8:50 🎉

[@miketesla8550]

Jay, I really appreciate your great insights about such very sensitive topics, but I have to absolutely disagree with you when you say that the narc would project their feeling of worthlessness (they absolutely don't feel worthless, they worship themselves just like Satan and his demons do) unto their abused child. To put the abuser and their victims in the same bag in any way does not feel right at all ! ONLY the victims of narcs have this feeling of worthlessness. Let's not feel sorry for the narcs. It's only fair to feel sorry for their victims only ! To say that narcs would have a feeling of worthlessness just like their victims would add another excuse to the arsenal of excuses narcs already have collected over their "career" to justify the unthinkable crimes they are used to commit. I see narcs not just from a psychological perspective, but also and most importantly from a spiritual perspective, and that gives a much more complete picture. See, Satan was the first narcissist, and is therefore the father of all narcissists. One thing for sure, Satan DOES NOT see himself as "worthless". On the contrary, he wants everyone in the whole universe to see him as God in place of God. And that's the exact same thing with narcs. They worship themselves and want everyone in the whole universe to see them as God in place of God. Only their victims feel worthless due to the way they treat them.

[@bchristian85]

I can't heal from this fear until we get passed the 2024 election. Until then, I'm terrified. Problem is being gay, I'm not just my family's scapegoat, I'm society's scapegoat.

[@gmze.b]

I’d love to listen to what you are telling but the sound quality of the video makes it difficult. As a kind recommend, please, use a better quality microphone. Have a great day :)

[@corinneblair8795]

Thank You!!