Narcissistic Parents: Unfair Ways they Play Favorites

[@jerrywise]

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[@nilaja-itsmylife]

If you were the scapegoat, you were never the favorite 🙋🏽‍♀️🥹

[@chaoticklutz3633]

No, we were the favorite ones - favorite to offload all the bs onto

[@ericapoe]

Couldn’t agree more 🙋🏻‍♀️

[@eq2092]

In an interesting twist I built a resiliency due to being neglected and abused that has catapulted me ahead of almost everyone else. You see I knew I would be homeless if I failed, I learned to hustle and grind and won. Now my father loves to compare my success to my siblings who they spoiled and as a result are failures. He loves to claim credit for my success and will compliment me by comparison to my less successful siblings. I'm thinking I'm where I'm at inspite of you, not because.

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

@@eq2092 excellent point. As soon as they could use you to boost their egos they switched you to the golden child. Insidious they are 🐍

[@lockedintogod4404]

So abusive.

[@dirtroaddestiny]

Such a painful realization. My husband’s family treats him like he doesn’t exist. They have never wanted to be in our lives. Meanwhile his siblings have had weddings paid for, houses paid for, free land, they also take care of their grandchildren. They’ve never called to see our kid, never ask to spend time with her, never stop by to see her. It was always us making an effort. We dropped the rope and it’s been silence ever since. 1 year no contact in June. We are happier and healthier away from the favoritism. Our kids will be able to say we worked hard for everything we have and we loved them equally. ❤ thanks Jerry

[@eq2092]

Outstanding, I understand your husband's pain my family treats me the same way. I have lived in or near Orlando, FL for the past 7-years and I have lost count of the times family members who have come here for vacation and I found out about it after the fact on social media. Let's not get me started on resource denial.

[@robertfredrick2937]

You're describing my family situation. My parents rejected my children( son & daughter) I was the family scapegoat and 1 of 8 siblings. Unfortunately you at the beginning have to make up LIES as to why grandpop & grand ma don't want to see them. If my kids did see them, I had to make the effort. Now my parents are gone, I am alienated from my siblings (3 golden, 5 invisible), and my Ex was a covert narcissist and my kids are following in her footsteps. We hang around or befriend what is normal to us until you BREAK the pattern...God Bless

[@jerrywise]

You’re welcome!❤️

[@denisedevoto5703]

So sorry. You did the best thing because his parents will end up treating your children poorly. I have been through it. It is best for all of you.

[@queensophiab.9990]

You aren't alone my dear.. the best decision is to just stop trying. Go no contact...its better for your mental health & that of your dysfunctional family. Just enjoy the love you have in your life....short time we all have here....nothing you will ever do will change their perception of you. Go with God❤

[@simonealisa]

The biggest red flag is someone who doesn’t see anything wrong with favouritism. To them, it’s justifiable.

[@kelseystout8360]

Or when they try to gaslight you into believing it's not there.

[@user-ho3oe2qi6t]

​@kelseystout8360 and they try to act compassionate but that compassion is no where near as the attentiveness and full attention they give to the other sibling.

[@PaigeSquared]

I got this one all the time before I gave up: "equal doesn't mean fair. Each sibling has different needs." I was told by my mother that I was "overly independent" but pretty much anyone familiar would be able to identify the codependent tendencies. So it was all a projection, labels to maintain the status quo.

[@Lettuce-Leaf]

My husband's parents rationale why my husband's younger brother was the favorite is, "Because he needed us most and he needed our help." Now the younger brother is a convicted felon. My husband on the other hand is a retired military man who serve our country and aparently greedy and only after their money. I kid you not.

[@joeya289]

Can't fake love forever.

[@zachscully]

"You are as good as they think you are bad" in a narcissistic family system. Gonna let that sink in.

[@tmking7483]

I must be Jesus

[@Happydays14385]

That hit deep

[@Virgo333]

Whoa that was deep and 💯

[@Faesharlyn]

You are as good as they *know* you are

[@CowichanValleyRD]

My mother bragged about my achievements to her “fawning” audience while shaming me as the scapegoat in private.

[@angelapitts2123]

I can relate 😢

[@katiefrankie6]

I’ll never forget my dad bragging about how brilliant we were - only to disparage us and tell everyone how ashamed he was when we were starting college and struggling. (Like, “didn’t get a 4.0 but instead got a 3.5” struggling.)

[@AprilMears-j7q]

Ditto!!

[@craig_d]

Absolutely can relate to this fully.

[@ladyloungealot5119]

You can refuse to be a scapegoat, but only when you don't depend on them for survival and shelter anymore.

[@myosotismalva]

What a painful way to get started on life 😢

[@marianspencer3007]

I was 12 when I cut the strings. I'm sure I needed better shelter and better people to depend on - but street life was nicer than my crazy cold-war home. So it is possible to refuse the scapegoat before stop needing your physical needs met. After all - they don't meet those needs anyway.

[@ladyloungealot5119]

@@marianspencer3007 You are very strong. I wish I could have done the same. There were no people living on streets where I was born and when I was a child. There are now. The police would have brought me home in no time to even regret my decision. I guess, choosing the streets is a form of freedom that I couldn't have back then.

[@sp6990]

This!!!!

[@bionicwoman9884]

Correct

[@onemorechance2037]

I'm so angry when I realize what they did to me.

[@jerrywise]

program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@alimeldes]

I have learned to turn the anger into appreciation that I am smart enough to have gotten away from the toxic people and am now living a happy, healthy life. ❤

[@cathlaurs9754]

When I was a teenager I used to joke that on my tombstone would be written: She Was Not Good Enough. I look back now and weep for that fucked-up, destroyed kid.

[@rallygirl4284]

I raised my children the complete opposite of how I was raised. My children are older now and we gave a wonderful relationship. I became the mother I wished I had..

[@43cassy]

❤❤

[@manushridivakaran5239]

That’s so amazing, you’re so strong for that. It takes so much self awareness and personal growth to do so that some of us might just resort to not having kids after experiencing such treatment. We are ridden with self doubt and self hate subconsciously and it sabotages relationships with others in the outside world unknowingly.

[@juliecopelandbarrows2971]

Is why I don't like going to visit family. It puts you right back as the least favorite. The dynamics don't change.

[@MsK-xm7vw]

My mother literally flew around the country for no other purpose but to destroy my reputation behind my back to my extended family. I no longer have aunts, uncles, cousins, or anyone else, because she managed to convince them all that I was more evil than the devil himself. I’ve never been in trouble with the law, was a straight A student, and because she broke me so severely I don’t socialize or bother anyone. She however; is the poor victim!

[@nicolehayes6020]

Black sheep here. One time a friend of mine sent me something that said, sometimes the black sheep is the only one telling the truth! 100% on point!!!

[@shobhnakapoor1399]

The most psychologically healthy, intuitive and empathetic. We are a threat bc we don't prop up the narcissistic parent's phony and false mask

[@harrietleah212]

@@shobhnakapoor1399 and the most strong willed! it was always there in me and they knew it

[@DJH97]

I asked my dad when I was 7 why my mother didn’t treat me the same as my two older sisters? She rejected me and ignored me all throughout my life. His response was “that’s just how it is.” I asked my mother when I was 58 years old as I painted their fence in sweltering summer heat why she blatantly excludes me all the time compared to the other two. Her response “that’s just how it is”. I’ve been excluded from birthday parties by my sisters that they had for my parents. Myself and my child were smacked by my oldest sister. My pup beat with a baseball bat by a brother in law. I finally just walked away over a year ago when the treatment was so bad after the death of my oldest son. Wish I would’ve done it years ago.

[@Imissyoulou]

It is a liberating feeling when you walk COMPLETELY AWAY.

[@Juke582]

They hated you and you kept being codependent slavish for them painting their fence and such! They don’t care how you feel. And will keep using you selfishly as long as you are trauma bonded. Good you finally broke that cycle on yourself! It takes your soul in time! Once you seek help figuring out that abuse and why you are codependent to your detriment, you then can find your real self and heal as I did! Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️

[@DJH97]

@@Juke582. Thank you for the hugs and love. And yes. They are def users. We were basically slaves as children. We cooked cleaned washed and ironed. We did yard work. My mother had to do nothing. If we sat down my dad would be on us “what can you do for your mother?” I’ll be in therapy the rest of my life probably but it’s ok. I’m free.

[@queensophiab.9990]

🥲sad so sad.... have a 🫂 from me. You aren't alone...lots of us on here.. They'll take & take then discard you as trash when you are all sucked out....gasping for breath & wondering... when are they going to come... Know this! THEY NEVER WILL... Cry if you must...for the loss & try enjoy your Life! I believe in God so it helps a lot... l find comfort in my faith.. YOU ARE ENOUGH!

[@DJH97]

⁠@@queensophiab.9990. Thank you. I believe in God also. Faith has helped yes. Sometimes I wonder though why God gives children to people like that. Children are a gift. A treasure. Not to be used and abused.

[@singstreetcar5881]

It starts from when ur little. They give every child 5 cookies each, but they give u 1 cookie. When u complain, the accused u of being a problem.

[@MsK-xm7vw]

You forgot one more, a big one: Praising the Golden Child to friends, family, and co-workers; while demonizing the other child. This way they can justify their discrimination and abuse against the scapegoat to ensure everyone feels it’s acceptable because they deserve it!

[@streaming5332]

The favourite in my family was the dumbest child. My mother didn't like smart people.

[@marianspencer3007]

Smart people are a threat to narcissists.

[@cloudyskies7591]

They are safe with the dumb ones. They cannot go to far. They know the dumb ones will be with them until death still dependent on them.

[@DHW256]

_"You are as good as they think you are bad in a narcissistic family: 'cause up is down, and down is up."_ Jerry, I wish your information was available decades ago. Our mother pathologically perpetrated everything you describe in this video. She was easily the most difficult person in my life, and I finally walked away at 46 years old, though I'd contemplated doing so since my early teens. Since those early days, people outside the family have said they knew something was wrong, but they didn't know how to help.

[@naturelover1284]

I think I'm way better off not being liked by my parents when I look at how I tried so much more and other people just coasted through life I developed

[@CrazyEightyEights]

"Uses information as currency." Especially others' secrets. Narcissists will never tell you their secrets. Thank you for illustrating so clearly how pernicious these dysfunctional family dynamics affect one's inner life and peace.

[@DHW256]

I christened our mother was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". It seemed the seed of her narcissism was envy of anyone or anything that took attention away from her: she frequently did everything in her power to denigrate, deconstruct, marginalize, deny any superlative in her presence.

[@katiefrankie6]

@@DHW256NICE ONE. My MIL loves to talk about people behind their back, especially her daughter and how happy she’d be “if she’d just lose weight.” Or how mean everyone was to her and how she can’t trust anyone to be her friend. Ummm they aren’t perfect - no one is. Maybe stop scaring people away??

[@DHW256]

@@katiefrankie6 I finally realized the only thing I could do to help Mom was walk away. Anything and everything I said, and did for her, was misconstrued to make me look like a fool, and make her look like a victim. I became a loosed cog that could no longer make her miserable ;)

[@naturalhealingmexico]

The sad part is they have none favorite, they just use the "favorite" to hurt the scapegoat, sounds weird, but the attention is giving to the scapegoat, the golden child it's only the tool or weapon they use to hurt the scapegoat.

[@moirosalina]

I sort of see it that way too, we were all tools, not just me as a scapegoat.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

@@moirosalina exactly! I was the scapegoat, I do refuse to keep being it, narcs parents see their kids as mere chess pieces in their imaginary world. They life it's so miserable to the point they create drama and conflict around, that keeps them entertaining and it's source of supply.

[@Juke582]

The scapegoat is usually the golden child! The most successful who runs away from the toxic family unit! Like so did!

[@Happydays14385]

Very interesting perspective! My sister was the golden child

[@glendaruiz2477]

🎯💯✔

[@Travelerofthesouth]

Yep, lot of favoritism and sibling comparison in my family.

[@dity9442]

I hated being the favorite because my life and milestones were stolen by my narcissistic parents. Plus, they ruined any chance of me and my siblings having a normal relationship because of the bull they created between us.

[@jennifergriffin5467]

This is so important. My parents created a lot of lifelong, permanent jealousies between me and my siblings. We're old now, but my siblings don't understand this was all damage from our narc parents. I understand, but it's painful to watch my siblings. Narcs are demons.

[@theripper1705]

Ensuring the siblings hate each other is how evil parents win even after they themselves die. That's my dad's life's work, and he has been successful.

[@ShelleyKennedy-m5d]

Yeah I was the scapegoat but I often feel bad for my brother because he was the golden child and in conversation as adults he confessed he hated it and all the tension they, my parents created between us.

[@ipsitakar6684]

first time i saw a golden child realized narcissism of parents and feel sad for the scapegoats

[@camellia8625]

The golden child can sometimes have a worse outcome particularly if the parent is an enabler or is enmeshed. Whilst the scapegoat eventually differentiates to become theirselves.

[@LordShockwave9]

I learned this one long ago. My role varied, but I was never the favorite. Invisible child and scapegoat were the assigned roles along with comic relief.

[@Cerebralseid]

Same here, its a painful and lonely road as an invisible child/scapegoat.

[@sjp1233]

I asked my father as an adult (when i finally got brave enough) "why do you love my sister and not me?" He said "don't know, just do" As messed up as that is, i almost felt relief. It wasnt all in my head my whole life.

[@DawnKovach]

Thanks Jerry Wise. When my children were younger, I would even count out every color of jelly bean to make sure things were fair and even. I was the scapegoat. I ran away by 15, and even though I was not there I still would hear that whatever went bad was all my fault. I’m 69 and my older brother still says incredibly inappropriate things to me, my husband recently said we just can’t have him over anymore, I agree. My grown children won’t let my brother around their children. It’s so awful! All I ever wanted was to be loved. And now I am, by my children and my grandchildren.

[@43cassy]

Good for you!!❤

[@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn]

Doesn't matter what they think..now..but we were developing , vulnerable children

[@GrahamMack]

My parents have bought my sister multiple cars over the years. I once tried to buy my dad’s old car from him when he was selling it. I offered him $8000 for it. He sold it to a car dealer for $8000 instead. Looking back now, I wish I’d have gone and bought it from that dealer for the $10,000 they had it listed for so that when when my dad’s friends and family saw me in the car, I could tell them what an asshole he was.

[@jesperandersson889]

assholery defined

[@onemorechance2037]

My parents had a camper that I offered to buy from them a few years ago before I went no contact. They told me my younger Golden Child sister and her husband bought it. I went no contact but briefly reopened the door this last winter. I moved to be closer to one of my older sister who was The Invisible Child and my dad called me to tell me that he was giving another camper to my younger sister so he had the old one back and he thought about giving me the camper that they had "given(!)" to my younger sister but that since I rent an apartment and don't own a house, they are giving it to my older sister now I told her enjoy the camper and if they try to make you feel like you owe them for it give the title to a homeless person and drop it off.

[@jesperandersson889]

@@onemorechance2037 yeah cars are proxies of their behaviours sad story sick ppl

[@onemorechance2037]

@jesperandersson889 my older sister told me that she always wanted a Karmann Ghia and she had told my dad that and then whenever I turned 16, my dad bought me a Karmann Ghia. I just thought it was a cool car. I had no idea that she wanted one her whole life and never got one. She didn't tell me that until I was 42. 😟

[@deemaysie6568]

@GrahamMack This story resonate with me except the jerk in the story is my husband who sold ("gave away" more like it for the prices that were asked) 3 cars in our early marriage to his sister instead of EVER considering me (his wife!). In more recent times I have nursed my husband through 35 plus medical dramas requiring caring and compassion.

[@gchang916]

My narc mom triangulated my brother, her golden child, against me, the scapegoat, all our lives. She traumatized both of us growing up. I just hope that my brother knows I love him very much.

[@DollfieMew]

They told me "You're the obedient stupid one and your sister is the smart rebellious one." Well...my sister is still with the narc family...and I the former scapegoat, got away.

[@somedumbozzie1539]

I know I am as valuable as my parents thought I was worthless because I was smart enough at 4 years old to know I would eventually have to walk out on them.

[@Juke582]

This brings back childhood pain! My narc father compared my big bro against me all the time as I was a way better student and athlete than he was! It made my brother hate me my whole life! I was very angry about it everytime my dad did it and I used to tell him to stop that as it would ruin my brother! My dad destroyed my brother thoroughly! He became a narcissist too and helped make me the scapegoat due to all my successes and him hating being a loser! I am scared of him and would never go near him and we are in our 60’s now! I am sad we are enemy’s but I can’t fix that! It’s not possible! I appreciate that “road to self” course! I am definitely my own person now! I ran from crazy!

[@robertfredrick2937]

I was the family scapegoat who was blamed for everything. I equate it to a litter of puppies( siblings) all fighting for approval of the "sire" and "dame" dogs( father and mother). My dad was the overt narcissist, my mom was the enabler, as long as she was not on the "wrath" list of the bully....

[@bindibud23]

Oh, I remember this. One example: I learned in school to make a pomander by sticking cloves into an orange. I gave it to my female biological parent, who screamed at me for using up her cloves. Two years later, my younger brother had the same teacher and the same class activity. He brought home his pomander and she fawned all over him.

[@katiefrankie6]

ARGH!!! That’s awful!

[@BBelle64]

Sounds familiar.

[@patriciasimons1873]

My mother played favorites with her children and grandchildren, and then used to accuse me of it. Nice.

[@conniehensley5568]

I was invisible to my parents.

[@omartrachen6794]

I was too, but i had to get over it or accept it in order to make progress... I highly recommand it for you too, take care of yourself

[@Imissyoulou]

@@omartrachen6794 People internalize things differently. I was HATED AND DESPISED by my egg donor. She told me and she showed me. At age 18 and one day, I moved away and had VERY LITTLE contact with her for the rest of her life. However, when she got old and sick, the 3 that she thought would take care of her kicked her in the ass. Again, I stayed away, but by this time, I was working, had a college degree, owned my own home and was doing well.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

@@omartrachen6794it still bothers the best of us at times. We’re only human

[@VgVi13]

My Mom made sure my sister always had long hair and nice clothes. I always had chopped off hair (not attractive) and hand me down clothes. My Mom constantly told me that My sister was the pretty one and all the aunts and uncles wanted to take her to live with them. But I was the one sent to live with my overt narcissist aunt. (those 2 are always fighting) She also always told me my sister was my dad's favorite amongst tons of other negatives. 68 years old before I knew about narcissism and that it's okay to dis-own my family. (made more difficult by Mormon culture which is all about family and it is basically a narcissistic culture/religion)

[@shihtzuluvrtwo6386]

I had to wear my brothers hand me downs and I'm a female! Yikes.

[@Imissyoulou]

Religion leaves a lot to be desired. That is why I leave it alone.

[@VgVi13]

@@Imissyoulou Yep !

[@Cherrybee61]

I looked like Bobby Brady, when I wanted to look like Cindy.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

They play everyone.The triangulation is dynamic for the purpose of control. My scapegoat sister would be favored if necessary, though it would snap back to original set up. The big game was making one daughter appearing to be golden when it was the last born who collected money and attention until the death of the parent( decades). Always creating competition!

[@Momofone1982]

Always have been the scapegoat. It's a lonely life and I don't let others in because this dysfunction has replayed in work or dating situations in my life. I stay alone. Grateful for my son and dog.

[@juliesmith6168]

My father was all this plus a male chauvinist, favouring my two older brothers over me, his only daughter, especially my eldest brother, the golden child. The family surname was everything to him. I was the brightest academically, not that he was bothered 😕 I have felt invisible all my life.

[@jrg4313]

Exact same with me!

[@dennisrobinson8008]

The games these families participate in redistribute energy and "power". So if you are the non favored or scapegoated your time attention will be wasted whereas in comparison they will be giving it to another. You will be robbed, reduced marginalized in the system whereas another is propped up artificially at your expense. Always at your expense.

[@resolutebelle8761]

I joked with my sister when our mother would show favor to one of us and criticism of the other by coining the title "Daughter of the Month". 😂

[@Jmyin]

I was the scapegoat you guys. I had such bad anxiety that I’m 32 and still have not been successful in life. I took easy jobs and made nothing dropped out of collage due to anxiety confusion or insecurity gave up. Entered into an abusive relationship. And keep wondering what’s wrong with me… I don’t understand how people are successful with an abusive parent. I’m hoping and praying to God to figure out some plan and that when I return to school etc. that the same thing does not happen And when I seek financial independence it will be different for sure. I don’t understand why or how everyone else in these comment sections have still been successful. Where are the people like me Please tell me I’m not the only one and this can be overcome It makes me feel stupid or that something is wrong with me

[@kyerinn]

I know my anxiety is due to my childhood growing up with a narcissistic mother. It can be really tough when you’re fighting yourself. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. My advice would be to work on getting your anxiety in check so you can focus on fixing the rest of your life. For me, therapy was good but my medication is existential. I hope you find what works for you. You’re not alone in your feelings.

[@EsterNZ]

Hey there, there's no shame in stumbling in the darkness of our upbringing as we work to learn how to properly treat and speak to ourselves. I can't see any evidence of your personal comparisons to others here. Feels like it could be your narcisstic parent or guardian talking. Believe me, I've taken many a tumble in plenty of life's fields. But just remember that true success is finding happiness and learning self love. (God is no respector of persons 🙂.) Some people sell their souls for worldly success, most likely the golden children of the world, but deep down inside they are miserable slaves because they carry guilt. ❤ All the best!

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

God loves you. Never forget it.

[@pamelariley6694]

We all go thru a slump, but you will come thru Start taking care of yourself (first).

[@SunnyDays70s]

Oh yes. My parents will never admit to it. They have an answer for everything. They live in the world of delusion. We’ve been mostly no contact the majority of my adult life. And this, has ruined mine because society just doesn’t understand how anyone could ‘disown’ their own parents.

[@Imissyoulou]

Why should it ruin your life? Forget what society says about it. People use to tell me the same thing, I always replied, "I have feelings too." I was fortunate enough to have found people that really cared about me and my 2 children. I grew to LOVE them. I put flowers on their graves mother's day and will keep flowers on their graves until the day I die.

[@SunnyDays70s]

@@Imissyoulou Your comment isn’t helpful.

[@Imissyoulou]

@@SunnyDays70s sorry

[@SunnyDays70s]

@@Imissyoulou 🙄

[@RaisingMyWildflowers]

My parents will travel to the other side of the planet to help my brother every time he moves, has a life change, etc. He's a millionaire and can afford to hire help if needed. They paid for his college, used to get him medical care, extracurriculars, let him shower, have friends over, etc. However, they can't even be bothered to send me a text with a cancer diagnosis, or when my child had a life threatening condition - despite me taking care of their home, vehicle, health, etc every time they ask.

[@shihtzuluvrtwo6386]

Don't do it anymore.

[@Imissyoulou]

@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 BINGO, but some people are foolish for their parents. It seem like they glut for punishment.

[@RaisingMyWildflowers]

@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 lol, I decided a few months back that I'm done. I feel too sick to help them and also care for my own disabled kids. No plans for going back even when I'm feeling better.

[@pamelariley6694]

​@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386no joke.

[@sharonmckay9293]

Wow! that was an eye opener. I know that I can lose myself in others but never thot of it as playing others as favorites to myself. Everyone else is more important than me. Thanks for your insight and how you communicate that so wisely.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks much for watching!😊

[@B4igo-i7n]

"Get out of being the favorite"...good advice! The table can quickly turn on you and you'll become the scapegoat in a flash if you ever give them the slightest reason.

[@LisaBailey-ee1zk]

Thank you for my sanity

[@sukisuki6114]

As they age, it gets worse. I’ve found my nm has overrun my codependent dad. He’s just a shell of who he used to be. She’s now rewriting family history so she can weaponize inheritance. As the scapegoat daughter, she’s made it clear that “a daughter’s job is to serve her parents until they die” or else…. The sad thing is, I spent 30 years building a future where they would be lived and cared for. Doted on, and in their grandchildren’s lives. Now, on their own the grandchildren have figured out who grandma is without help, and they resent them. She’s broken me. I no longer care, and am literally about to move to the other side of the planet. Golden child (despises them- but knows lip service means cash and bail puts) will be tasked with his wife (who can’t be in a room with her Mother in law for More than an hr) with their elderly servitude. It’s actually quite sad.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

Go for it! Do not hesitate!, we share similar story, my malignant narcissist mother it's using the inheritance card too, in her delusional mind, she thinks I fall into the tramp, narcs parents promise the inheritance to the scapegoat if she/he takes care of them, but the truth is the golden child it's the only that inherit, so the scapegoat loose time and opportunities to make some money or ensure his future by taking care of the narcs and it's left with nothing, because he or she trust the promise of the narc parents, that is the last wound they do to the scapegoat, I have seen many cases like this, don't fall for it. Narcs parents are demons in human flesh, they are cruel, deceiving and vile. NEVER TRUST THEIR WORD, DOESN'T MATTER WHAT

[@joywebster2678]

My N.mom just died at 94. Her golden child and later life golden child 2, took care of her finances. And all the siblings have ignored me since Dad passed 15 yrs ago. So I was at her death bed, then I was physically assaulted by the holden child, broke my finger, and SHE called the police to say i was trying to murder our dying mother. How? I kissed her on her cheek goodbye. Cops were all geared up for a murder investigation, saw my dangling finger, my barely breathing mother, and I left. Sisters banned me from all funeral activities, so to the extended family, and friends of my parents I look odd for not showing. But I'd been warned by the funeral home I would be trespassed. So even though I've had minimal contact, the narcs, flyingmonkrys of childhood created by the Narc mother are never far below the surface. So I advised the lawyer doing the will processing, I did not trust the 3 siblings to give me my share as listed in the will, they took it under advisement, but suggested I get my own lawyer to do a parallel process, NO, can't afford that. So expect nothing, be surprised if you get anything, but get away early in life, the siblings keep up the crap.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

@@joywebster2678 the narc parents trained the siblings to hate, envy, reject, criticize, humiliate and hurt the scapegoat, it's their legacy they left after dying, it's a kind of malediction... When the role of scapegoat it's assigned to us (as happened to me too) we become the trash can and punching bag of the family, we are blame for everything no matter what, that make the narc family feel good and in harmony, in my case my mother is a malignant psychopath narcissist, she thought all these toxic dynamics to my siblings, that way when she dies the abuse will continue, it's a kind of gift "post mortem". It's the inheritance we get from them. I do refuse to keep that legacy, after all narcissism it's a sort of soul sickness, it spread genetically, the ones that are not infected are the scapegoat that is why the punishment since we are born, because we are not like them, on the contrary, we are the opposite of them. It's like light in darkness, a sparkle in the middle of the dark forest, like a oasis in the middle of the desert. I wish healing and recovery to all scapegoats out there, we are the worthiness of humanity, get empowered and embrace your potential!!!

[@Ann-eb8dp]

It is called karma and it is not sad You reap what you sow

[@hienienguyen6766]

i am so glad that i didn't decide to follow my parents rules. i would be very miserable. Keep your distance away from toxicity. Get away from toxicity period. Yes it is. This is why i was like when my father died. he knew who he could count on, and definitely wasn't my sibling. Cut these people out and don't stay there

[@SibyllaCumana]

I know all of this very well...

[@user-ho3oe2qi6t]

She's always acknowledging my brother in the house. They have a full bond. It's why I can't stand being at home. I always feel left out and excluded. Then when I act out, it's MY fault. I'm the "problem".

[@persasrho4799]

How about "You're going to end up like your (20 years older) sister" (a heroin addict)? I was a prodigy, self taught reader (age 3 could read on an adult level), straight A's - however I was the scapegoat. I couldn't ever figure out, at age 10, how I was going to end up like that. I'm 65 and still can't figure it out. Never happened, got treated like dirt no matter what for decades after.

[@tahiyamarome]

My brother and i realized recently that our 2 narc parents scapegoated both of us and PRETENDED the other one was the golden child when that person wasn't in the room. We grew up thinking the other was the favorite but they actually were gaslighting both of us. Also making one child the ersatz parent of the other then blaming the parentified child for neglect.

[@SallyKlee]

Ersatz (german) = substitute (english) 😉

[@SardonischerDean]

That's a rare dynamic, damn. My sister is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. She doesn't have self awareness about the dysfunction. Just soaks it up.

[@kathleendrake6500]

I am as good as I think I am bad, dumb, worthless. Favoritism may be serving, giving, and loving others more than I do myself. It never occurred to me. I know I created my family abuse in my 1st workplace: a school kitchen. I did not realize NOT choosing yourself yes logically favors the other person over yourself. I Pray I can change this. I Pray there is still time to have a better life.

[@dameanvil]

What Jerry describes here resembles most schools in the World.

[@WendyCarstens]

I was the SCAPE GOAT 🐐 AND I ALSO WAS THE OLDEST OF THE FAMILY , SURPRISINGLY I SAW THROUGH THE B.S. AND TURNED OUT WELL DESPITE THE DRAMA , I JUST WANTED TO BE TREATED 💯 % EQUAL / FAIRLY SO TO SPEAK

[@kellymcdonald9552]

I was the golden child who was always spoiled for being so obedient and watched as it was held against my older brother, who is one of the most intelligent people I've ever seen. His life is a wreck thanks to our family's deep seeded dysfunction and we've been estranged for nearly twenty years. I could never peice together why my mother would praise me for being such a good daughter but everyone else hated me. It's because I was just like her as a child. Arrogant, entitled, belittling, dismissive, bullying and cruel. I'm mad now as an adult. I'm mad that my mother was not loving at all regardless of how much she said that she was.

[@SardonischerDean]

Your self awareness is admirable. Wish my golden child sister was like that.

[@well_weathered]

This is so messy for all children involved.

[@elizebethjames1256]

Hello, older woman here ( early 70's ). Been observing people - the news, lots of reading, hearing people talk etc. Folks are so astonished or appauled when they hear about murders inside of families. This video would have sooooo much to do with that kind of violence!

[@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn]

Yes. My sister was the GC. And a flaming Narc herself, I've just discovered. I was the hated, 'big thing ' as they would call me..and my brother...worked so hard and they didn't pay for his college...but our GC sister..when she went off to college, got a new car, and tuition paid and a monthly stipend...😢

[@edwardgreacen1833]

One of the most painful Jerry Wise tapes I have listened to. Each and every example struck a deep, unhealed wound in my soul. The melding of family roles with the parents' narcissistic habits is a subject that doesn't receive nearly as much attention as it deserves - except from someone like Jerry Wise. His description of favoritism based on his father's favorite sports was mind-blowing. I made it my daily goal to score a sport, a subject, or a college degree that would satisfy my father's whim. Unfortunately, he could never be counted on to settle on a clear favorite. One day one thing, the next day something new caught his attention. A lot like Whack-A-Mole, only it was me getting whacked. Needless to say, whatever the Golden Child did was considered awesome.

[@Imissyoulou]

When I got my degree, people told my egg donor that I had graduated from college. (A private university that I paid for.) She told her sisters and brother that I was to dumb to graduate from college and she did not believe it. She did not accept that I was a college grad until I begin teaching. When she was told that, she just held her head down.

[@edwardgreacen1833]

I'm beginning to piece together a family system that was used in my particular upbringing. Reading my reply from 5 months ago (above) triggered a memory I haven't experienced before - something unique to my family system I had left covered before now. Boy - this recovery process is long and strenuous! It is taking most of my attention these days. I guess it's worth it. I have never before felt so healthy. Thanks, Jerry. Your personal reflections are helpful in several ways - some I identify with, others not so much. In either case, it helps differentiate my family system (and also my true self).

[@afsaramehrin2993]

My mom always played ‘favourites’ between my little sister and me when we were growing up back in the 90s. I was emotionally pushed aside by her, soon after my little sister’s birth when I was only 3 years old. Ironically enough… she also played ‘favourites’ between all my first cousins and me; all my first cousins from her side of the family… her own nieces and nephews; the children of her own brothers and sisters. The only rants I grew up listening to her was : “Why can’t you ever get good grades in every subject like Asif, Lamia or even… Ayman !??” and “Why can’t you be more talkative like your little sister !?”. By the time I was a teenager in high school and my little sister was in junior high school, my dad adapted this same toxic attitude after his sister (my aunt) had her first child 15 years ago. It was my grandma (his mom) who drove him into adapting that narcissistic attitude towards my little sister and me, soon after my cousin’s birth. In the eyes of my dad, his nephew became more important than his own 2 daughters. My grandma got my dad attached to my cousin to the point, where my cousin started getting more of everything than my little sister and me. I’m not just talking about narcissistic parents here; I’m also talking about a narcissistic grandparent as well : “Aftab, give more pizza to Fayed ! He’s a boy, your sister’s son… and boys are meant to get more than girls !!” In other words : I’ve always been the black sheep of my own family since I was 3 years old but I never allowed the narcissism from my parents, my grandmother and my aunt (my dad’s sister) to have any affect in my relationship with my little sister and all my first cousins from both the sides. Despite how differently members of the past generations continue to treat us, we, the members of the present generations all get along really well and treat each other nicely at the end of each day.

[@carolchristof]

I lived through this, and I understand it completely. Thank you for bringing out these truths.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome😊

[@kelseystout8360]

Thank you for doing a video on this topic. My sister has always been treated like the favorite in my family from the time she was born, and it's even more obvious now that we're adults. They were inconsistent in how they punished both of us, or what they punished us for, and were much harder on me than they ever were on her. I wouldn't go so far to call her the golden child and me the scapegoat, but there definitely was an inequality present and still is today. I brought it up multiple times to my parents and they always denied it or made excuses. She has an enmeshed relationship with them now while I'm guarded and careful how much I let them see the real me.

[@jesperandersson889]

what a seriously thorough list of grievences EXACTLY that's why they go (and go and go) under the radar until it all collapses (critical mass)

[@hcmangs3634]

For me, parents enable narcissist brother, parents are narcs, for sure dad is & brother is textbook covert and nasty to me & my fam. It’s painful and sad that he’ll never change

[@Tania-rg7jp]

Thank you for calling us to reflect so we can change the cycle

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching!😊

[@HPockets933-xd2zt]

I have tried very hard for years to have the conversation, Man to Man about how my father divided our family through favoritism. It has been very hurtful to all the children and adults' in the family many of them felt like they were never good enough to compare to the favorite one ( My daughter). Even now at 93 and my daughter is 41 and has children of her own. Both him and my covert Mother still don't understand any of the feelings hurt. It even got so bad that they disowned me and removed me from their will and gave everything to my daughter although there is still a niece within the same state we live but they don't approve of they way she lives her life. Our family is broken because of my Narcissistic Father and his twisted mindset. I fear my daughter (The Flying Monkey) will become the same over time with her own children.

[@debraadamsadams6955]

Great information. I'm in my 50's now and my Golden Child brother is using my mother to manipulate and take my inheritance away. Still going through it. Thank you for your awesome advice.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching!😊

[@avagrego3195]

My husbands father played him and his brother against each other until the day the father died.

[@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn]

My sister was the Golden Child. My brother sadly was ignored...I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times Dad actually spoke to Christopher. I was mentally abused. My Core was broken...😢 Ive.done a lot of healing over the past 10 years.. Dreadful people were my parents..I am not that way...

[@debraadamsadams6955]

Thank you for the information. Being on my own since 17 and worked since 12 and having to pay rent. Having a mother and now a brother with this issue. Listening to Mr Wises videos has helped me set boundaries. I had. To walk away. For my own sanity. Thank you

[@lorlecalpa9395]

I'm glad I found Jerry, because attracting narcissistic romantic relationship rooted from narcissistic parents. That's why we need to heal from narcissistic family dynamics so that we can achieve normal partners in the future.

[@thereisnoninadria]

I joke that I’m the president of my mother’s “dog house” because I am usually in there for one reason or another as her scapegoat. Seriously though, it is incredibly unnerving to be on her favorable side. She’s building me up for her own benefit and then tear me back down and discard me when I’ve served whatever my function was.

[@shihtzuluvrtwo6386]

The oldest in my family was the scapegoat, the middle child golden child, I was the infantelized one. She taught me nothing, yet expected me to leave my husband, move home and take care of her. I didn't. All of my siblings always got assistance from her. Me, the youngest was told don't come to me for anything. It took a lot of years to realize that it was not me, it was her! I hate her for that!

[@Donkey1668]

Thanks to my mom ruining my nerves, I was diagnosed with MS years ago. One time, I asked my brother if he could please take me to the hospital because I was getting an MS attack and he told me to take an ambulance. of course my mother told me you know that’s better for you”

[@rwdchannel2901]

My brother and I were adopted into a family with narcissistic parents. They adopted another girl and had one girl through artificial insemination. The natural born girl was the special child that got treated with respect and given the best gifts. She was given a good car when she got her drivers license and she ended up destroying it after crashing it into a tree while DUI. My parents didn't care and gave her another brand new car. When I got my drivers license, my parents asked me if I wanted my special sister's old, junky car because they were going to get her a new car. I got the old, junky car and it nearly caught on fire when I was driving because the central coolant system on it broke and all the coolant liquid spilled out of the engine onto the road. I pulled the car over and turned it off just fast enough for it to not catch on fire. That's just one example of the unequal treatment I got compared to my special sister.

[@hopefulhappiness4457]

My boyfriend was the favorite/golden child growing up, and while I can’t imagine the hell his sister went through (even though she ended up being a hyper-controlling narcissist in her own right) and I don’t want to try and compare the two traumas, my boyfriend was damaged by this dynamic his own way. If he expressed any opinion his father didn’t like, he’d be so hideously shamed and learned very quickly to never express any of his opinions, lest he be dethroned as the favorite and be subjected to worse treatment. His favorite movies his to be his dad’s favorite movies, favorite songs had to be his dad’s favorite songs, etc. He had to lie, hide, and shove down every part of him that didn’t go exactly with his father’s idea of him. Or he was punished and feared ending up like his sister (shit-talked by her parents behind her back). He recently told me he doesn’t even know if his favorite popsicle flavor really is his favorite, or if he was told to like it. All of this is to say, I am so sorry for anyone who’s endured this treatment, whether on the scapegoat side or golden child side.

[@dunkbiscuit]

I stopped at one child as I was scared if I had more I'd have had a favourite. My mum was very open about having favourites. It shifted over time based on how she was feeling, but I never want to feel like that with my offspring.

[@sjf426]

I wasn’t the favorite….and, I was an only child. 🤔

[@megavega9606]

I feel for you, but this is still the funniest comment I’ve seen anywhere all day.😂

[@sjf426]

@@megavega9606 honestly, your comment sort of makes my day. 😏 (a day that will be spent continuing the now multi-month, never-ending nightmare clean-out of the aforementioned parent’s former home, which is part of an altogether now year-plus long, life-thieving saga.) So, I thank you for the much-needed 😏.

[@megavega9606]

@@sjf426 Glad to have played a part in that and I wish you all the best.

[@simonealisa]

@@sjf426 I feel for you. I’ve been thinking about when it will be my turn to to that. My mom is a hoarder. All the things she’s been saving for us to “remember” her by will go straight to the dump. I don’t think I’ll even do it. I’ll hire someone.

[@sjf426]

@@simonealisa oh, friend. Our story is more similar than you can imagine….👊🏻

[@kareemmohammed5270]

painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights Jerry as always.

[@jerrywise]

You're very welcome

[@user-ov4wr5yu4r]

They weren't playing. 👺☠️

[@TannerSalcido]

No matter what, I keep coming to the same realization. I don't matter. My value is only in sacrificing for others. If that is even valuable. My father resents me. My mom and brother treat me like a burden. My other brother is indifferent and thinks I'm overreacting. Nobody seems to think that how I feel is at all worthwhile. I just need to stay out of everybody's way. My six-year-old daughter is the only one that really cares about how I feel. She's a beautiful empathetic soul and it's not for me to put my problems onto her. For her I always pretend everything is all right. She's the only reason I bother with my life at this point.

[@pamelariley6694]

❤❤

[@Laney_75]

Thank you Jerry 🤗

[@jerrywise]

Very much welcome!😊

[@nihilist4184]

Its hard now as my father made my brother the executor and power of attorney with my mother who now has alkseimers so i now have to deal with the cloned father brother now where i know nothing about the investments. Its so unfair as he could just be spending my half already and i wouldnt know. Other families have full transoarency with equal executors.

[@deena7155]

You have to NEVER get in ANY kind of trouble speed ticket or nothing to get out of the scapegoat role. And you have to show them how successful you CAN be by being that person. Show them by being BETTER THAN them or better than they expect from you.

[@Imissyoulou]

and after you show them, leave them the f alone.

[@deena7155]

@@ccdm515 that's true. It's a lot of work.

[@storyspinner3080]

We can give up negative roles as well as positive ones, etc, so much wisdom.

[@sOdEeP406mUsIc]

Hi Mr. Wise, Thank you for your channel. I am an empath. When I found your video about the existance of the role of the family scapegoat the other day, it just really blew my mind, because finally someone made so much sense to me. And I felt completely understood at a moment where I felt completely lost after had just gotten my eviction notice from my mom a couple of days prior to finding your video. My mother had just the week before told me how she didn't know how she would be. Able to live without me which was like the very seldom occasion where I actually felt completely appreciated. You can say I guess that was love bombing. Because then about 4 days later, that's when she sent the eviction notice... Not only has that 1 video in particular. Explain to me something that I just never was aware of yes, I was aware of the golden child, but I never realized really, until I had to look back in hindsight after learning about the scapegoat in your video that I am in fact, the scapegoat of the family and everything clicked in the place and even though I'm still going through the. Emotional turmoil and I feel like I'm having p. TSD and trauma all over again. I felt understood for the first time like somebody out there. Totally understands the position that I am in. That alone is comforting to know that I am not crazy. To say that you have helped me is a real understatement. So, thank you so much for your videos. I'm continuing to learn a lot. And I'm hoping to take part in the classes that you offer about getting them out of my system completely 1 day, but I have to work through all of this important traumatic life, changing stuff right now You know to make sure that I have a house and food. And all that. So I just wanted to comment and really thank you For sharing your work with us all here, Not only helping me no doubt, but countless others,to understand family dynamics more clearly. I'm the scapegoat in my family, while my older sister is the golden child. My 82-year-old mom, who recently has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment (MCI) but has not admitted it, sent me an eviction notice despite all the work I've put into our home. My sister, who is bipolar, assaulted me last December, and my mom’s response was to evict me when I mentioned seeking medical help for my injuries. I’ve done all the maintenance and repairs around the house, built my own apartment in the garage, and contributed significantly to my mom’s well-being. I bought her new hearing aids, a new mattress, new tires for her van, a new toaster oven, and I’ve fixed her car multiple times. I also replaced the main sewer line and remediated mold in the basement, saving our insurance policy by avoiding additional claims. I even help my sister with her car, despite our conflicts. Despite all this, my sister does the bare minimum and emotionally manipulates my mom. I wish you could be there with me in court. I'm scared that everyone will see me as the bad guy. My mom and sister have made me look crazy, even calling Adult Protective Services with false accusations. I have proof that I’m not taking advantage of her, but I fear the judge won’t understand my situation. On top of that, my neighbors don’t like me because I complain about their dogs barking. One neighbor even threatened me after I followed police advice to call animal control instead of yelling at the dogs. My mom is using these incidents to paint me as the problem, which makes everything look worse for me. I know these behaviors are abusive and manipulative, but I worry it won't be seen that way in court. If the judge doesn't understand, I will be homeless. I have no place to live and no more money. I don't know if my mom will give me the State Farm money she owes me. This eviction is happening at the worst possible time, with housing shortages and limited resources for homeless people in Montana. I even begged my mom to let me stay in the garage and never bother them, but she refused. Tomorrow, I have to answer the eviction lawsuit. I plan to file a counter-suit because I have a contract stating I own the garage and am entitled to 51% of the property upon my mom's passing, but my mom never took it to the Department of Revenue as she was supposed to. I'm a domestic violence survivor, and it’s illegal for her to try to evict me instead of my sister. The eviction notice came the day after I told my mom I wanted to seek medical attention for the injuries from the assault, which makes this a retaliatory eviction and illegal. My sister faced no consequences for her assault-no jail time, no fines, and she didn’t even apologize. My mom was upset, thinking my sister would get in trouble, which likely led to the eviction notice. I made reasonable rules for my sister before she could come back home, but she broke those agreements, and my mom still supports her over me. I’m not trying to be a martyr or play the victim. I’ve made decisions with a good heart, wanting everyone to be happy and get along. Despite the power I could have wielded in this situation, I chose to ask for reasonable things to make life a bit more bearable for me while working tirelessly around the house. I even had to drop out of college because of the demands of maintaining the house. Do judges understand this sort of dynamic? Will they see this sort of thing when they see this situation in court? Your insights have given me the strength to face this, and I deeply appreciate your work. Thank you for helping people like me navigate these difficult family dynamics. I really do wish you could be here though, because I don't think anyone is going to understand my situation. I'm just hoping and praying that the judge understands.

[@jerrywise]

Amazing, thank you for the kind words!😊

[@CityBohoGirl]

My poor little 😞

[@stevec3892]

My middle Sister is the golden child and my older sister is always with her which makes me the scapegoat

[@aleksandrakrivokuca64]

They usually play the favorite in order to prove they are good parents . My mum usually use me to tell how my sister is bad ( like "you give me the satisfactions,your sister does not") what make me feel worthy before I realise my mum have a covert narc disorder (when I was 35 yrs already). I didnt even realised that in meantime I was invisible child. And thank you for sharing with us the part of your personal story in this video. Sending love to you and to all children of narcisstic parents ❤

[@darinsmith2458]

I can relate to so much of this but it would bounce from different things (roles) so much that it was confusing..

[@messogio66]

thanks - so true

[@bonitaburroughs8673]

What causes someone to be a narcissist? If someone loses a mother at 5 years old, can that cause it?

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Thank you SO MUCH Jerry God bless you. From Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome

[@mikesmith6594]

My father and mom are good at this playing favorites .

[@Beth-yq9uj]

We had a job chart growing up. I had a brother that my mom always said he was better than my siblings at same jobs. She also made us take turns brushing her hair while she layed down in the evenings.

[@charleentheron4767]

My narc mother stole all my money and my sister is controlling it.

[@LUVJONZ99]

My widowed father wanted a happy babysitter so my 16 year old sister was allowed to have a boyfriend who practically lived at our house...and my sister treated him like a husband...in all senses. Then my parent tried to give lectures on morals..

[@dameanvil]

0:00 🗣 Jerry Wise introduces the topic of narcissistic parents and their favoritism. 0:09 🎯 He will cover 10 unfair ways narcissistic parents play favorites and provide self-differentiation tips. 0:21 🧠 Self-differentiation tips will be shared to help cope with narcissistic parents. 0:35 🛠 Jerry shares his 45 years of experience helping clients discover their true selves. 0:40 🧩 Narcissistic parents give unequal attention to children, favoring one to control and manipulate. 1:00 ⚖ They openly compare siblings, which fosters rivalry and resentment among them. 1:55 🏅 Resources are allocated unfairly, supporting one child's interests over another's. 2:48 🎭 Parents assign roles, designating one child as "golden" and another as a "scapegoat." 3:06 🏆 Approval is sought through achievements, highlighting successes that reflect well on the parents. 3:26 😟 Guilt is used to manipulate the favored child, reminding them of their special status and obligations. 3:44 💔 Emotional withdrawal occurs, with love and affection given to one child and withheld from another. 3:58 🔒 Personal information is shared selectively, making the favored child feel special and others excluded. 4:25 🔄 Inconsistent rewarding and punishing creates confusion and reinforces favoritism. 5:00 🥇 Siblings are encouraged to compete for parental affection, increasing family tensions. 5:19 🧘‍♀ Self-differentiation tips include stopping the effort to change or win over parents. 6:30 🔄 Disempowering beliefs involves neutralizing the desire to be either the favored child or the scapegoat. 6:37 🚫 Distinguishing parental craziness from your reality helps in recognizing their favoritism as irrational. 7:23 🧐 Reflect on your own behaviors to avoid practicing favoritism in your relationships. 8:03 🙌 Value yourself equally to others, recognizing your worth and avoiding self-deprecation. 8:18 ✋ Jerry concludes by encouraging viewers to subscribe, comment, and join the program for further support.

[@theripper1705]

Merci!

[@cathlaurs9754]

@dameanvil: why do you write the above? I've come across people doing this before and don't understand it. What Jerry says doesn't need simplifying or translating or clarifying, does it?

[@theripper1705]

@@cathlaurs9754 C'est très utile: notamment avec les repères temporels, vous pouvez trouver plus facilement l'endroit que vous souhaitez. C'est comme une table des matières.