The Fearful Avoidant's Experience of Codependency

7-Day Free Trial: university.personaldevelopmen...
Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
Emotional Mastery & Belief Reprogramming Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
Setting Boundaries to End Compulsive People-Pleasing & Create Authentic Connections Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
Overcoming an Identity Crisis & Strengthening Self-Identity Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
PDS Sale Code: WITHYOU -- 25% off All 3, 6, 12 month memberships and individual course purchases - university.personaldevelopmen...?el=youtube
In this video I'll talk about what codependency is like for the fearufl avoidant, and their experience with it.
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.personaldevelopmen...
Lastly, if you’re interested in shorter form content and tips, follow my Instagram page! @personaldevelopment_school
I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!

[@rubydoo921]

Every video I watch of hers is so emotionally exhausting. I’ve never felt so seen, heard and understood. Even from being in traditional therapy since a child, I haven’t experienced so many “aha” moments from any of these other mediums. Thank you.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Same! I'm so grateful and relieved to hear her talk about this but at the same time it's really overwhelming. I discovered her channel (and with that, AT) about 3 months ago and it was almost too much to handle haha. I really want to start working on reprogramming but I still feel like it's too much. Anyway, you are not alone 😊🙏🏻

[@theclaudacity]

I basically just typed the same comment before seeing yours. It's so true, though! I've TRIED to understand me through so many other means, but nothing has ever been as clear and loving and true as this amazing lady. It's a confusing, torturous mess to understand other people so well but to have no clue who I am or what my motivations are. Recently I've heard Thais' voice in my head when I feel scattered and the anger is rising: "Have you journaled? Have you taken time out for yourself recently? Have you gotten in touch with yourself?" And the answer is always right there. So filled with love rn. 💫

[@zaracassid8631]

Emotionally exhausting? I find them emotionally fulfilling.

[@rubydoo921]

@@zaracassid8631 Amazing. Either way she does the soul some good. 😊

[@colochossalvajes]

Agreed!!

[@leahsamaniego4507]

I know you generally try to keep the content to ten minutes, but honestly, these have been the most insightful videos. It’s not bothersome at all that they’re longer, even though I know the algorithm says “people watch for around 7-10 minutes of content”, those of us who are genuinely over here working on ourselves will hang in there for more :) Ive made so much progress toward understanding and loving myself more, that better communication with my partner has just become a byproduct. Best videos yet!

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

⬆♥

[@tahliamaree]

So good I need to get some pds in my life

[@tahliamaree]

Oops meant to write this on video comments not on your comment

[@Philjeffreys]

I couldn't agree more with you Leah

[@daniellediaz2516]

I'm okay with longer videos if they're insightful. But what I can't stand is the first 4 to 5 minutes of straight jibber jabber where I have to constantly tap my way through just to get to the actual topic at hand.

[@elle381]

This series on codependency is everything I didn't know I needed. PDS is like an ICU for all the unnamed mess that's been dragging me my whole life. Its overwhelming. I always thought loving this way was interdependent not dysfunction called codependency. I thought this was normal and didnt understand why the execution always ended up so bad for me so I thought I was treated that way because I was just never good enough. This explains the immense hurt and disappointment from repeated low effort from the other party. Have to know your boundaries and enforce them then link up with partners who actually care about that instead of the endless self flagellation (doormat love) that's never enough and isn't fairly reciprocated Seriously linchpin moment.. imagine what life and relationship can be just mastering this alone. I don't even know how to imagine it yet but my god I'm so hopeful... Thank you so much Thais.. ❤

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

Your comment made me tear up. I feel this so hard. You're not alone on this ICU 🙈♥

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Wow thank you for sharing all of that Elle. So happy that this series is impacting you in such a profound way. We love that you are so hopeful and you should be :) Thanks for your continued support on this channel as well. Always good to read your comments - PDS team member

[@elle381]

@@bygracethroughfaith589 💜🤍💜 honestly, it helps to know that I am not alone on this. It helps to know that out there in the world someone is healing just like me. 🥲 I love this community

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

@@elle381 ♥🌷🙏

[@reddreadintuitive4405]

An open letter to whomever is searching the comments, trying to decide if you should join PDS... YOU REALLY SHOULD. Seriously, you are worth EVERY penny, you need to start caring for and valuing yourself first ❤ Thais & PDS can and WILL help you heal. Eye opening. Life altering. ❤❤❤ They can't do it for you but they have a map you can use along the way home.

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

Made me cry, like Ella B said below. So mad at myself. My husband is a recovering addict and recently diagnosed bipolar, bpd. I invested too much of myself trying to "figure him out". I got lost in all of it. Trying to meet his needs and caretake. You're right "what about me and my needs?"

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

@Brad Smith I know the difference. My husband has both.

[@jaymiwillis6692]

This is soooo spot on, and the 1st time I've heard someone else vocalize my feelings & understand things from my perspective! I often say I feel safer & more stabilized in my single life versus dating & in relationships

[@sarahg2161]

I joined personal development school because Thais manages to articulate my inner world to a degree that I have never in my life heard before. So I'm already so touched by her words. Then this video. I feel like I've been laid out bare. This hit me so deeply. Thais thank you so so much for doing this series. I'm am going to have to watch this a few times and take notes.

[@sarahg2161]

@Kosmic Mote the being single part was the only thing that didn't quite fit me. But I've been on edge about my relationship and know that I without any work, I would do exactly that. To scared to hurt or be hurt. I feel that in every little reaction lately and it's so painful. I'm really grateful I've found this before walking out on my marriage, but we have a looong way to go

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Sarah G

[@ohnoeswhatsthat1335]

I'm so FA it's not even funny. I do almost everything you mentioned. I suffered from emotional neglect and parentification. I've had therapy but I still feel like I have a lot to learn. Lately I've been making a lot of progress, expressing and accepting myself and my feelings. I'm definitely becoming more secure but every time I start dating someone (after taking a break because that feels safer, I don't want to make the same mistake) I am exhibiting codependency. I don't want that and I don't know how to change it. I have an awesome life, a good job, I am surrounded by beautiful people, I learned that it's safe to expres myself, but somehow I still have this tendency..

[@slinkdawg75]

The part on sympathizing and projecting versus truly empathizing (~minute 11) was very relatable. I think this is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’ve had two long term relationships say (toward the end) “it’s all about you” and some recent short term relationships say I was projecting onto them. I think I focus too much on others but project myself onto them instead of really dealing with myself OR seeing/hearing them. Going to be digesting this nugget for a while.

[@zeBnextdoor]

😭😔

[@kateb5828]

Empathy is seeing it from the other person's point of view, being in their shoes, rather than judgement from your own lens

[@elle381]

*other person obliterates self* 😔 turns out this is not normal. It's not romantic, it's emotional violence against self.. Kind of mad at me now that I know I've been turning myself down as much, if not worse, than my past partners.. the intensity and energy I put into making sure he is happy, loved, gently cradled emotionally.. Of course this is self abandonment. Why was this never obvious to me?? .. I'm unnerved. Also realizing just how much I crave emotional connection that all this contortion is like...mining for love essentially. I know now that I can source from self love and other sources but I also now know this is just such a need for me.. I don't think an ideal partner for me can be a person that doesn't have a big need for emotional connection..

[@milaalt1141]

Don't be upset with yourself.....you didn't know.....if you knew what you were doing then you would not have done it. Dont be frustrated for what you didn't know.....besides look at all of the growth you have made for you

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

Please feel free to keep talking about this... Another video would be deeply appreciated ♥ It's life-saving...

[@ridhimakathuria1886]

the impact that you have made on me ..my relational self... and how I perceive myself and my needs. it makes me feel like I am able to connect the dots because of your content that is speaking volumes to how I subconsciously react in situations anf it's really powerful and it's really soothing at the same time. thank you so much for all you do. honestly.

[@NicoleLam]

all of these behaviours from my ex - i didnt have enough experience or knowledge to understand how different his experience was! hope he finds his happiness

[@pareehassan9877]

Covid-19 healed my co-dependence. I was sick and had to think of my own wellbeing and couple people around me are so chocked by my new chioces

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That's amazing to hear :) - PDS team member

[@pareehassan9877]

@@herserenehighnessm It is gods gift, everything has it is own effect.

[@pareehassan9877]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I have worked on this topic for about a year. It took 5 weeks of Covid-19 to wrap it up. Thank you for all your hard work. PDS has been a great source of knowledge. Thank you Thais

[@kachokako]

I was always flustered when everybody else told me,"that's not your responsibility". My brain understand their reasoning for saying that. But i can't think like them for myself. I was always questioning myself why i always assumed that i have my share of responsibility of every single thing that happen anywhere to anyone. I thought it was because i cared and emphatize with them. But, when i told this to other people, the question is always the same,"it's not your responsibility. Why do u feel responsible for that? You can't do anything about it" I was flustered why people think of that as responsibility. In this video, i find the explanation. Thank you, Thais.

[@honeymoney23]

THAIS!!!! You keep reading me like a book!! Everything you said, literally everything is accurate. Why i feel so much more at peace single because there's no pressure to please others and perform. Like i can just be fully me 😪

[@TravelMamaAnnaVon]

this is me. long periods single. fear in relationships etc. I am SO MUCH better now but still pretty not amazing.

[@PennyJackson123]

I can definitely relate to this video. Recently I had been working very hard on myself, and how I perceive the DA’s behaviors, and how I created stories based on my own insecurities. And the trust. That was a very big one that required half a year and a big promise on his end that he would never do that again. The trust was extremely difficult to rebuild after several big promises being broken on his end, big ones, as well as many small ones. And after 6 months I managed to rebuild the trust, and I can with all honesty say that I was happy for the past 4 weeks after I started learning about attachment styles from your channel. But then he did it again. He broke a big promise not to ask for money again. And he asked. And my entire perception of him shifted, and it terrified me. It still does. I expressed how I felt about it, and I said that I need space. Yet he perceived my words as accusations and insults, and even blamed me, which again just pushed me further away. I think trust is a major thing for FAs. We definitely become quite codependent, but the second trust is broken we pull away hard. It has happened many times in the past with him, but this time was extra painful, due to the timing. Our dynamic was actually getting healthy, and I was happy. I trusted him, and he broke that trust and risked our relationship, and for what? Money? I cannot even process this properly. I am doubtful of everything now. I wonder if he even was a DA or just a covert narcissist. I am terrified of what I see. It was apparent that a healthy dynamic with me was not wat he was seeking. And afterwards he did not even apologize or take any responsibility for it. He justified it further with the excuse “my anxiety was doing the talking” which again just pushed me further away. I was finally happy, and I could finally see a future with him. I let my guard down, and trusted him again. And in a second it was all destroyed. It is hard to cope, but I am trying. I have no idea what is going on, who he is, if he even cared at all. I just know that I am too scared to trust him again and I need to protect myself this time. I tried to ask some questions last night. How can I be sure he won’t do that again in the future. Due to the codependency, my mind suffers tremendously from this, and it takes a toll on my physical wellbeing as well. I cannot function properly, and I get the symptoms of having a cold. I lose appetite and weight too. I am completely in protection mode right now, and shifting between shock and grief, and numbness. And still my mind is not only trying to process this, but also thinking about solutions. Should I stay away for a few months so he understands the impact it has on me, should I end things and move on et cetera. Trust is a crucial thing when you are an FA. It goes deep, and hurts bad when trust is broken.

[@PennyJackson123]

B the Change you are very right. This was a boundary he knew very well about. I am done and I have drawn the line.

[@lisazimmerman3780]

Video starts at 4:09

[@leeleeb7413]

Thank you!!! (If you ever see this 😂)

[@cavelleardiel]

Yes, I have believed that I need to be the stronger person. The one that has to make sacrifices because the other person can't.

[@flamingrobin5957]

THIS IS SO HELPFUL....my friend offered to help me fix the brakes on my car. its so hard for me to receive peoples time , care and service. i was in such conflict. luckily he knows my story some and was reasonably safe and helped me learn to be involved instead of recreating my family shame, grabbing away, taking over, or criticizing/invalidating. i have a sense that if i was able to figure out a way to be around people who wanted to help and mentor me on task that i could internalize the feelings as normal. its not normal to feel "selfish" or "unworthy" or "helpless/incompetent" to work with someone on a task who enjoys helping you because they like you and want to spend time with you and get why it matters so much. i find it very hard to explain this dynamic to people who don't get "co-dependancy/fearful avoidant" dynamics

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

I appreciate you making this video intense and long!!

[@bygrace8485]

I neeed this! Been taking the enmeshment course and it has been so life changing! You look amazing! Love the hair and makeup!

[@andreeanasca8216]

I`ve never felt so seen and understood in my entire life by anyone...thank you Thais, your presence and wisdom warms my heart!!

[@devin4796]

Life changing!!! Thank you so much! Its so amazing to listen to this and look back on my life and be able to explain why things happened the way they did. It makes it so much easier to try to change that pattern if you can actually identify what you are doing and even why you are doing it.

[@charmainegamxamus6781]

Thank you for your insight and time, I really appreciate it and I love the passion with which you present the topic!♥️

[@SuperhumanNationTV]

This video resonates with me more than every other video that I’ve watched of yours. Completely amazing and valuable info! Thank you!

[@Tam_X]

One of Thais’ best videos.

[@hammondesque]

Omg, I had to pause and come and comment because it felt like you'd read my mind at 8:16 where you mentioned FA's have long bouts of being single because they would rather stay away, despite the need to connect with others. This is me, I've been single for nearly 2 years now and am quite content, but I'm thinking about casually dating again to maybe try and make connections again

[@emily-katec2165]

This changed my life. Thank you so much. I now understand so much and know where to go next.

[@crystalrose32]

Yup 3 years single , and living my best life. Totally explained how I perceive relationships. I’d rather be alone then risk being hurt . But if I don’t loose myself they can be full filling . Work in progress .

[@fatadesculta]

I so much love your slightly new look, Thais💜🌺 you look fresh

[@Window4503]

Your random example at the end is exactly where I’m at in life. I’m deciding between wanting to stay with a roommate and wanting to leave and live on my own because of that particular dynamic.

[@Lolstop100]

Also, im reaaallllyyy glad I found ur channel, I'm 19 and have always been interested in personality development, earlier I think it was more about trying to understand "what's wrong with me🙁", lately Im concentrating on healing:) So I think I'm an FA and ur Videos are rly helpful for my self reflection! That's all I wanted to say😃

[@nickydavies5399]

Thank you so much!! So very very helpful. Really explains a lot.

[@MS-tb8nm]

Wow. You hit spot on everything it's unbelievable

[@jellyrcw12]

Your videos are amazing and they helped me mature/prepare to have a healthy relationship.

[@sunshinestar6076]

By far, my number 1 video so far!!

[@olgacruces468]

god bless you beautiful soul... i have been searching, searching finally found the answer WOW

[@TheOhioCountryboy]

I can relate to this some. I'm an FA. My mother had mental issues. I was the youngest, and she hated me for being born since she had other kids to deal with. If Mom wasn't a happy housewife when Dad got home, us kids would all get severe beatings. It was our job to make sure Mom was happy. Eventually Dad got sent to prison for child abuse. (Back before they actually put people in jail for that. It was a big scandal back then.) Mom was even worse without Dad around. Are you going to delve into things when it is not just a chaotic early childhood that turns someone FA, but outright violence and being forced to be the caretaker of a parent?

[@nehalinga]

Long awaited!

[@SC-jr6fd]

As someone who struggles with all this, I can say: very well explained 👏👏

[@pinkette]

Would be super useful to list down and link the courses that she recommended in the order that she recommended in the description box! =) As for the video itself, man, these super intense videos are where it's at! You had my 100% focus.

[@CB-jx9pw]

Dear Thais, you are clearly a genius. It has to be said. This is absolutely remarkable stuff and I am so grateful to you that you make your knowledge available to us. I hate to be that person again but find that you are still talking so fast that I sometimes can't follow, and when I try to reduce the playback speed it is way too slow... I feel like such a nag and of course only because I am saying this it doesn't mean that you have to change anything at all, this is your channel and you are wonderful and brilliant, and I mean no disrespect. I am grateful for your videos no matter what. Much love and positive vibes, be well and safe. xxx

[@HadashiMartialArts]

@personal development school I have taken notes on this. I'm doing the Needs course in the PDS at the moment and have done the Emotional Mastery course. One thing I am really struggling with is creating boundaries. This course is on my to-do list as well as the co-dependency course. I often feel so overwhelmed with commitments to people or my work I feel very resentful at times. I find myself apologising and overexplaining why I didn't reply to an email I got yesterday after a very long day at work and getting home late and then feel bad for going to bed early or taking time out for myself or with loved ones because I have commitments to work. It's an endless painful cycle for me. This is meant to be half-term holiday from schools (I teach karate after school) and anticipated a bit of a break for two afternoons this week but now feel bad because I took an hour today to write these notes down for this video, while in the meantime I had neglected to reply to someone's email they sent yesterday late last night when I got home from work. So then I apologised to this person for not replying straight away and promised her I would tend to her this afternoon during my time off 😢 I'm so sick of it. It makes me want to run far, far away from everyone and everything. It is so exhausting!

[@theclaudacity]

"I'm sure some of you will resonate with that..." Um... Yeah, Thais! Very yeah! I will never be able to thank you enough for making me feel so seen. Learning about your journey has brought me so far down the road to healing. I've spent decades not understanding why I'm so forgiving AND demanding in relationships at the same time. Thank you so, so much for all the work you do! It's helping people. I've been searching for this sort of clarity for a lifetime. ❤️

[@iconoclastic-fantastic]

Yessss thank you for this

[@alessandrasalituri2502]

Wow this is the most accurate video I’ve ever watched 🙏

[@Coral_Forever]

thank you... explains a lot.

[@TabbyCakes]

This video is amazing Thais! 💕You read me like a book 🤣

[@srivasudhahemadribhotla1513]

I feel so seen and heard, and it is really big because I'm a fearful avoidant, whereas I'm here doing the same thing for literally everyone else.

[@alessandrasalituri2502]

Absolutely life changing ♥️

[@srivasudhahemadribhotla1513]

Thais You are NOT too much!

[@nittyarizza]

“I’m responsible for myself when I’m around you” Ouffff

[@ritojamaity1067]

Wow. My entire life and my relationship patterns finally makes so much sense now. Every word of this video is so true for me that right now I'm almost scared to get through the entire thing. 🙃

[@s_e_w_p_h_i_e]

This is bang on. I’ve had it up until now that my being hyper attuned to my person, and always thinking about their feelings or what they might need as the fullest, purest expression of my love. Nope. Still co-dependent UGH! I thought I was doing so well lol. And hence the utter devastation when you realise your person is not operating from this same space. It must mean: I don’t matter, they don’t love me, this is one sided, I’m abandoned (because what would be fearful without a side of anxious). Back to the drawing board.

[@alicemungia1642]

This is me. I've work on it through these videos and a few other sources but I recently relapsed with the idea that I'm not good enough. So now my DA boyfriend is keeping his distance.

[@pattyb9266]

That part.

[@Leila-gc8py]

Thais you really got into my subconscious, I feel a little violated 🤣🤣 like thank you for the work you do, seriously, it is extremely profound.

[@highermebee4135]

Thank you x

[@lauraschleifer4721]

As a fearful avoidant myself, this is sooooooo relatable. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on the impact that this sort of over-the-top giving and abandonment of self has on the receiver? I feel like a whole other video--or maybe 4 other videos--could be made on how dismissive avoidants, anxious preoccupied, secure and fellow fearful avoidants might react to a fearful avoidant being codependent and then hyper-independent in the ways you describe in this video.

[@empress_highpriestess3307]

And most importantly remembering the FA isnt up the top giving or self abandoning in a vacuum, but being so sensitive to their partner's lack of sensitivity to their needs or over sensitivity to THEIR OWN NEEDS shifts the FA into this by default or else the relationship suffers

[@yanamclaughlin1644]

Yeeeesss I'm 2 minutes in and I already know this is gonna be pure gold.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

haha hope it was gold for ya - PDS team member

[@ericaavery9382]

Man, Thais knows me so freaking well and yet has no idea who I am 😂

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

Thank you so very much 😍😍

[@marjanpourhassan3314]

Wow right on 🙏🏽❤️

[@moccisimo]

I was literally in the ER for life threatening reasons receiving treatment, and I still thought about how my being there would impact others like my family (money) and the nurses. I do feel responsible for my siblings simply bc I've had to take care of them as a child myself despite both parents being at home. I try to prioritize myself, especially now with a disability but the trauma it too strong and I can't help but to think of others before me. It's no way to live and I'm exhausted in every way

[@shellbell8062]

Wow, this is exactly what I have done so many times without realising what was going on. So the solution is to really value self, communicate boundaries and be understanding that others are not the self sacrificial mind readers that we are. I actually had all of these thoughts after my last relationship: "Never again will I allow myself to bend and warp myself to live around someone else's needs and disfunction". There is nothing worse. I don't trust myself to show up for myself in the next relationship - these patterns are so deep. I thought I could but after being single for 7 years and now just starting to form a very promising friendship, I can already see that I am having difficulties in communicating what I want.

[@ancient_bam]

4:11

[@ThatStephxx]

I ruined my relationship by falling into codependency. Thank you for this Thais

[@Lolstop100]

Hey! Could u maybe do a video on enneagram /myers and briggs personality types? I'd be really interested in your opinion on that:)

[@bygrace8485]

Could you give us examples of enmeshment from tv shows? When you’re codependent sometimes it’s so hard to recognize it!

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

I'm excited for people to answer this question, but of the top of my head I can think of Rory and Lorelai Gilmore with an enmeshed parent-child dynamic. Also throughout the video I kept thinking about Marge Simpson and how she treats Homer lol. Btw cool username 😉🌷

[@bygrace8485]

Shawn F thank you! I still believe examples would be very helpful for those of us who are beginning our journey of self integration 🙂

[@LilDeadHead1]

haven't cried like that in a while

[@nachogoatcheese1761]

I definitely end up feeling responsible for other people, a lot, and it probably has to do with my mom, but the common use of the word "empathy" seems to contextually mean "anticipate the feelings of 1 or more people before saying or doing anything", which would require mind reading. This video was still really helpful though, usually stuff about codependence focuses on kids or romantic relationships and on the like, people pleasing tendencies, or like a more submissive type of caretaker. I had the PP type and submissive type tendencies when I was in my late teens/early 20s and now keep finding myself doing like an overbearing mom sort of thing. I either don't have a fear of abandonment because I sorta just figure it's inevitable and don't seek anything with the potential for permanence (and maybe avoid that specifically), or am at self-abandonment as my basic baseline now, not just once I feel an attachment forming. For a long time I've compared it to like, putting yourself in the drawer all the soy sauce and ketchup packets go in. 😂

[@H09800]

Amazing

[@rishaa682]

how do you know all the nuances so well almost as if you lived through it. this video describes me to a tee

[@teenytinyteetee]

9:45 how to communicate and overcome

[@neamyro]

Coming here to understand m'y boyfriend's perspective and actually learning more about myself...

[@chloej1341]

Became first time aware as I went into my relationship with a DA, the more he withdraws the more I suffer...

[@chloej1341]

Having a conversation with him about this is almost impossible...he has everytime a story/excuse/ situation why he's too stressed or emotionally involved with things...so he can't show up... But like Thais said my needs and feelings matter at the same time... Don't know how to ...

[@Julielovestolaugh]

Based on this particular video, are there specific courses in the program you could highlight to do specifically? This is the first time anyone has highlighted the exact issue a person with codependent behavior displays and why. I’m grateful for the direction

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi Julie! Yes :) I would recommend doing the Codependency & Enmeshment Course, the Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs Course, the Emotional Mastery & Belief Reprogramming, and the Boundaries Course! You can do an all access membership and it will give you access to all of them. You could easily do 2 courses per month and that would be the best option

[@MS-tb8nm]

What makes us become codependent to people outside of a romantic relationship? Like a friendship or an in law relationship?

[@bogdanafilonich33]

Omg..... That's why I could never have proper relationship.... All of them ended after 3 months at max. I am 29..... The Irony is that I always wanted to have a good relationship and create a family and cried my eyes out.. Like... why I cannot meet a proper nice guy etc.... It is So difficult for me.... Now Everything makes sense!

[@authorsnehanarayanan1191]

Same 😭

[@MellowBellow1]

I have experienced the ATTEMPT to read my mind by an FA. The BELIEF that they must. But honestly it’s misguided. The hyper focus is exhausting as the RECIPIENT especially when life needs to be low key and “normal”. Having someone lose their mind over literally TINY aspects of life is such unnecessary drama. It’s really an aspect of self sabotage because it pushes people away. Healthy attachment and relationships never involves the need to read someone’s mind. I suppose that’s the “leaning anxious” FA trying to earn their worth too. But it’s not necessary to try that hard.

[@flamingrobin5957]

i find that i need to replace my co-dendant ideal with God who is real. because the co-dependant has latched on to someone they have a godlike/parental view of. I know its not popular to talk about God and sin but idolatry is a sin to make a false god for ourselves. when we come to see ourselves as separate responsible adults and lose ourselves to the God who lost himself by being crucified on a cross taking the penalty of our sins then i am transformed by that love. the point of which we heal is when we own our own badness and dethrone our "godlike" counterfit ideals that our shame and projections create in others who are willing to enmesh with us. im currently living in a fearful avoidant extreme after experiencing several traumatic events that have left me isolated for a long period in grief which i dont really know how to be shared with safe vulnerable available others. needless to say im in counseling which is starting to help.

[@RAMRA10]

I’m still waiting on that “How To Be Vulnerable” video

[@m.s.4907]

Dear Thais. Is there any course on PDS that has this topic on the curriculum?

[@julezthealien2467]

i have never felt so seen in my whole life

[@goddessesofgolden]

Yep

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

Wow wow wow 🤯🥺

[@austinnguyen9107]

19:20 19:55

[@caitlinlegere2342]

What are your thoughts between the fearful avoidant and enneagram 9s?

[@marim7784]

I'm FA and 8

[@ThisMelMel]

I have been watching for a few weeks and I haven’t written a comment (or maybe I did but very brief which is not my norm) until now. This video explains It All. There were so many times when the words (despite the easy listening) stung so hard that my face got hot, the top of my head started buzzing, and I teared up suddenly like you do when you stub your toe. The polarity of disorganized (FA) attachment. The fact that codependence is responsible for the swing in behaviour patterns I have been so confused about my whole life. I have known I am a codependent for almost a decade. I realized I have an FA attachment style for about 2 months. I realized VERY quickly that the combination is no longer a sustainable existence and now I am about as far on the Avoidant polarity as I can possibly be. I think my favorite part was that the hard big boundary exists as a result of being unable to show up for myself to set and maintain all the little boundaries along the way. I can understand and “justify” the one-offs but then I need to caretake myself enough to voice my feelings and get my needs met. I think (as inefficient as I am) I have been setting some smaller boundaries, but then I have fallen into the trap of excusing the disregard of those boundaries over and over again… because I almost WANT to believe it’s all my fault for being FA, codependent, HSP-E… because if it’s all my fault, then I have the power to Fix It. And that is what I want/need/crave above all else. Not power over another person, but power over the external problem. The paradigm of feeling that power exists only if I hold 100% of the responsibility while simultaneously completely overwhelmed by the idea of how to reprogram the internal patterns that I feel completely powerless to change.

[@Talkinglife]

NICE

[@redvelvetcakeYUM]

As a Fearful Avoidant, do you have to betray your instincts from learned behavior, (to a degree) to learn to become interdependent in relationships?

[@ahmadjaber3611]

I suggest yes , i was anxious preoccupied now I'm much more secure . She was fearful avoidant. She's also much more secure. If i didn't betray my thinking of insecurities at one point, there is no enough reassurance in the world to satisfy. I mean this girl was taking the notes i wrote her and posting them on her wall , told me she has a mood journal and nearly mentions me everysingle day in it , and tells my I'm the highlight of her year. And i go "she definitely doesn't like me😅" and the feelings don't shut up immediately. Same for her ,she hated vulnerability. No she detested it. She hated asking someone to help her to get rejected in anything. So she preffered to do everything on her own. I slowly started offering her help and living up to my word. She then started asking . She then became very comfortable with me asking for help. To an extent if she wants something from a person , she tells could you go ask him . Now eventhough i do a lot for her and protecting trust is not easy , and being their for someone is actually a huge amount of hardwork . She's extremely appreciative , and she's my army when I'm at my battles. She nurtures me out of my weaknesses while i give her strength she needs. All of this transition , at the beginnning i was crying daily and hated myself. Now, i have never been satisfied with who i am so much. I never imagined i would mean soo much to someone .So go for it, with a worthy person and take it slow and communicate to him that you're an FA .Stay strong! IT GETS MUCH BETTER

[@redvelvetcakeYUM]

Jawad Jaber Wow! I’m so glad you and your partner worked through the narratives in your mind and ultimately grew together. It is possible. I am doing this solo for myself. I want to start with healthy relationships and eventually start dating. Thanks for this response! It’s appreciated ❤️

[@SD-vw8jd]

@@ahmadjaber3611 this is so beautiful and gives me hope. I'm so happy to read successful stories. Are you guys still together? I'm a FA and had to break it off with my AP because I started having panic attacks. I was vulnerable with him and communicating my needs all the way through because I'd been working on myself for quite some time. But the panic was so intense I literally felt I was dying. I told him about attachment styles and that the only way we can work together is by doing the inner work both individually and together. We're in touch every few days and always very gentle with eachother. Let's see if he realises he also has work to do and if he's willing to do it. For now he's still stuck in he ideal of love but he's concerned about me and my health and he shows that he cares. He's not reaching out every day because he knows I need space.

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

Is hyper-independence the same as counterdependence?

[@jadedavis912]

Curious about this too.

[@moonthalune]

oh my god i feel like i’m being read like a book..

[@shadowkill546]

I am having troubling distinguishing between what was my fault for not being a good bf and what was a result of her avoidant tendencies. I guess as time goes on and I get better perspective I can discern that.

[@Grace-cp8pr]

I know this feeling and am battling this too! I think it’s a bit of both. But necessarily that we were ‘bad’ but we didn’t know then what we know now, and we also didn’t know how to communicate our needs and boundaries to our partner also. Saying that, it takes two and it’s up to the other person to do the work also.

[@shadowkill546]

@@Grace-cp8pr Thanks for the insight! Sorry you're going through this too. The biggest critique from her was that I didn't show enough emotion. I'm not sure if that was a common feature in yours. I'm not sure if it was because I felt we lacked that comfort, or that she seemed depressed - almost like I had to try to make her happy - or what. In the beginning it seemed all good though, but I guess the limerance and excitement wore off.

[@halliebirds]

holy hard pill to swallow...

[@annaynely]

🌹

[@wnt2kiss]

Then he blames you for everything you did together and will say you controlled his time!! Just craziness!

[@kellygrasso1224]

l

[@yasmem8]

Omg 😳

[@markpratt8201]

Dating a fearful avoidant is like walking on egg shells...Soo much work.