Fearful Avoidant & One-Way Relationships

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In this video, Thais Gibson exposes the devastating repercussions of one-way relationships within the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style). Delve into the underlying causes and discover two transformative pathways to reshape your life and relationships on your healing journey to become securely attached, as Thais provides expert guidance and invaluable tips. Don't miss this opportunity to liberate yourself from destructive patterns and cultivate meaningful connections. For deeper insights, explore the enlightening course, "Eliminate Your Inner Guilt & Shame."
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:44 - Understanding a One-Way Connection
00:05:39 - Transform By Being Seen And Being Vulnerable
00:07:41 - 7-Day Free Trial: Chronic Guilt and Shame Course
00:08:07 - Transform By Practice Receiving
00:10:31 - Summary / 7-Day Free Trial: Chronic Guilt and Shame Course
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our KZbin videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
So what are you waiting for? This could be the start of your personal development journey. Subscribe to our channel and start watching!
#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #UnmetNeeds

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Fearful Avoidants, how has this overgiving and under receiving affected your relationships?

[@5gx673]

I feel most comfortable in my longest relationships, formed with those who are unable to listen. Feel uncomfortable with new people who want to listen. Helpful. Thanks

[@call911ok]

this is me 100% 😢

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I definitely am not seeking to be connected to someone who is not mutual. Life is way to short for that. It seems like either being with someone to share life with or learn who to be ok with being alone sounds like the best ways. Preferably as close to a soulmate as possible ,because alone for some reason just doesn't seem desirable .

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤@@5gx673

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You can heal this! ❤@@call911ok

[@MangoOasis97]

I know i'm healing because now when DAs breadcrumb me , I don't think 'oh, so mysterious', I think 'oh, so insecure.'

[@irshikha]

😂

[@kittthompson]

This is amazing! What a reframe. I’ve just been breadcrumbed for a year and I’ve been dining on hope that they might come forward and put the effort in, I kept asking for my needs to be met until I lost my temper and then it was all my fault for being angry. Thank you ♥️

[@kerrymillar1267]

My first boyfriend said to me “you’re the only one that knows me” when I broke up with him. I thought that’s strange because i don’t think you know anything about me. It’s been the same ever since, overgive, resent, leave, repeat.

[@LentilSoupGirl]

Same. Anxious ex, they only listened to me when i was giving them endless reassurance, regulation and tolerated everything because i lacked boundaries. The moment i realised they didn't really "love" or even "know" (autistic + avoidant masking plus they never were curious to know anything ab me as a person) me, they called me a liar and that i lied telling them i loved them. No matter how much i told them i don't lie about my feelings, they never cared how i actually felt and who i was :)

[@kristamartin186]

Gosh, so true

[@jayc4530]

Same here. I’m a FA and i dumped my DA ex after a year of begging for my emotional needs to be met. For a couple years after I waited hoping he’d come back a better man. He just jumped from rebound to rebound. He never really grew emotionally from what I can tell and have heard. I’m married to someone with a secure attachment, but leans a little anxious and I’ve never felt so emotionally secure and fulfilled. I finally found someone who tries to out give me. He’s a rare gem. 🥹🥰

[@INTP564]

I think only another FA will be genuinely curious about knowing us.

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

“you need to practice vulnerability” 🥵

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

start off small ❤

[@serenitysworld9113]

I’m an FA and I noticed that because I absorbed so much of the relationship when I finally pull away, I’m extremely burnt out and I must recover for a while before entering another relationship.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@peaceoglory]

The problem is, I don't have anyone in my life who gives a damn about meeting my needs. So I consciously work on meeting my own needs, but that makes a very lonely life. It's also for some reason so much harder to take care of myself than it is to take care of other people.

[@idesireit31]

Same

[@don-eb3fj]

When you learn to experience emotions vicariously as a reflection of the pleasure you provide for others , the mirror of another's gaze becomes reality and only the approval or disapproval we see reflected in their eyes can be felt- it is a result of having to choose self-denial in the service of self-preservation over self-acceptance in the service of self-development. It can feel EXHILARATING to bathe in that gaze, but we are left shivering in the cold darkness, naked and afraid, without it. Sorry you experience this too, best wishes for your healing, I hope that knowing someone else understands provides some comfort, a warm blanket to wrap up in, to sleep and dream pleasant dreams of dawn.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

It really, truly is much more difficult. I got a kitten, earlier this month - that has really helped with my dissociative issues, and being able to stay present to take care of both of us (as well as my older cat, who hasn’t been too happy about the kitten - and has been refusing to sleep inside. She changed her daily outside sleeping spots, because I was checking on her so much, I think).

[@Irene-ls5wf]

This happens in platonic relationships as well, especially in friendships for me.

[@kerrymillar1267]

Yeah me too on a lot of occasions.

[@thatboy_cam5011]

😢

[@INTP564]

Same here

[@marekin8024]

I remember as a child how my mother specifically treated me. One day when I was about 7yrs old, I ran crying to my aunt "my mom doesn't love me, I think she hates me" my aunt was so shocked. She asked me why I would say such a thing. I told her, she treats me different to my brother who is 2 years older. He got the bday parties, toys, could get away with murder. I know this may seem unimportant but to a 7yr old it was very obvious that we were treated differently. I mean I started bathing him when I was 3, that was my responsibility and my mom only shopped for boys clothes so I had to wear what he was wearing. I'd also be the one to get punished if we both were "naughty". I was very confused by the behavior of my parents. So my aunt called my mom and told her what I had just said and my mom said "You are an ungrateful and selfish child, your brother is sick and the doctors said he won't live past the age of 18, so we trying to make his life as happy as possible". As a 7yr old this was shocking because I never knew for one that my brother was that sick and secondly how could she say that to me. So I asked her "But what if I die tomorrow, what then?" she never answered me and just kept saying I am a selfish child. Needless to say, since that moment it has been very hard to express myself to anyone. If I couldn't trust my own parents with my feelings then honestly who can I? Oh and my brother grew up to be a spoiled brat and is a healthy 38yr old.

[@sunnymoodful]

Omg this is shocking, so so wrong of your parents! I am so sorry

[@marekin8024]

@@sunnymoodful it's okay dear... Maybe they were too traumatized by the news of the doctors to think straight, I guess. My mother is also a very proud woman she will never admit when she is wrong and she'll die before apologizing to anyone. So yeah she still has that 'my way or the highway' attitude unfortunately😔 Thank you for your comment ❤️

[@janelle2262]

I relate to this, my brother got all the love too. It was very obvious. And each time I express myself to my mom for my needs, I got shut down. It came to a point that I was so scared just asking a question. I got severe social anxiety. In my relationships, I would cry when I express myself. Vulnerability scared me so much. I hope you feel better now, sending you hugs here and wishing you a lot of loving people in your life.

[@don-eb3fj]

That resonates all too loudly- different circumstances, different "aunt" and words to express it, but the same feeling of having been sacrificed in a bargain with some dark entity for another's welfare. I'm so sorry this happened to you, or any of us, and hope you've found ways to recover your sense of your own value since then. Thank you for posting your story, every scrap of testimony we give against abusive practices and the outcomes they cause has the potential to tip the scales in favor of better attachment outcomes for someone we may never meet but will benefit from our experience.

[@AM-ut7dg]

It sounds like your mother might be a narcissist. It’s also very common for children of narcissists to become physically ill. The golden child/scapegoat child is also a common theme in narcissistic households. I think you should do some research and see if you think it applies.

[@roshalllambert]

I loved the point about getting burnt-out and resentful due to this! and the point about being worthy of acceptance!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@gulliver7419]

For me, it's more complicated and there is a missing piece to this puzzle. Generally fearful avoidants grew up in an enmeshed and emotionally available home. As a result, they make friends with people who are emotionally unavailable. When I started to change my codependent patterns and learn to ask for help, I ended up being wounded again because my friends didn't know how to be there for me. One has to learn that some people are not able to be there for you.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

Most people.

[@Mississippian]

The hardest part of being FA is that we heal and attract wonderful partners who love us, show up, care, want to give us the world. But none of that will ever be good enough because partners do not have the ability to attune to us to the degree we do to them, and that disparity will always leave us feeling like we're with the wrong person and something is chronically missing.

[@RipTides311]

Wow that's an incredible insight and is very helpful for me. Thank you for sharing this.

[@howtosober]

Oh no, this is terrible news. I've been thinking that partnering with secure people would be the solution after becoming secure myself. You're saying even then you don't get the same attunement we give? Arrrgggghhh

[@candyarries]

FAs are all like me, me, me, me, me. But once you actually have a partner who is looking for vulnerability, it's all too much for you. You prefer to long for your love than you enjoy the relationship.

[@emilyb5557]

Im not sure...I think/hope if you heal the wounds not of being seen and understood. And find ways to meet that need for yourself & from other sources (noticing and feeling it!) then the urgency for that depth and amount of being truly seen eases and is more complete - so less is needed from your secure partner

[@candyarries]

@howtosober when you do have a secure partner, you're still unhappy. And when they become your ex and they don't make a huge fuss about the breakup, FA's become mad... even belligerent.. at least in my experience. There's a need for control that becomes so cruel and undeserving to the secure ex. Making it almost impossible to go back to you because the love and kindness FAs show only lasts 3 months at a time. That behaviour becomes untrustworthy and the need for novelty wears off very quickly. FAs are not the most easy going out of the attachment styles.

[@katenicholson4152]

But my DA wasn’t interested in my vulnerability about my past even in the honeymoon phase. He reaffirmed that core of being unimportant. He conditioned me to shut down my vulnerability and this is why I became resentful and volatile. I was get so tired of suppressing my feelings that they would burst to the surface.

[@BigKatz]

When I was younger I had a rapid cycle of relationships, maybe 2-3 with brief situationships a year. It slowed to 1 every year, with some recharge, then the burnout had accumulated and it took about 2 years to 'recharge' after a relationship and / or find someone who seemed OK. Thanks to PDS I think I can change the whole model, date and vet, instead of hook up and try to make something work out of fear of being alone, work myself into a tizzy (disregulate). Wish this was taught as Psych 101 instead of Pavlov and where the cerebellum sits.

[@don-eb3fj]

I echo the sentiment of teaching attachment "instead of Pavlov and where the cerebellum sits"- not having had the benefit of Psych101 I would go further and suggest it would serve better as a replacement to "...Humpty Dumpty had a great fall..."

[@Nomad.Hawk_87]

My favorite piece of advice from you is when you said (i don't remember in which video) that we have to internalize a little bit of the quality that we see in our partner and be able to be a little bit like that too... it really stuck with me, and that's what i am using now when i feel that it's time to express a need or to be vulnerable... i take a deep breath, and i get a little bit less emotional and more distant, rational, and i express my need with a form of emotional neutrality, calmly... it has almost completely removed my fear around that... i am less fearful, i know i will be alright even if the other doesn't respond positively... i feel more courageous and proud of myself, for expressing my needs not when it's already too late or when i feel resentful... i just do it without emotion, as if it was nothing... and it works for me !... it's so much easier also for my partner to hear, because all pressure is removed and he's really free to consider it and choose to respond to it or not.

[@haikuoflife]

Being vulnerable is really difficult and I've always felt I have to trust someone, a lot, before I can be that way. Sometimes we hold onto experiences with such shame and embarrassment, that we have let someone mistreat/abuse us instead of being a "strong person" or any other judgement. It's always the stories we tell ourselves, or even the odd experiences where they do blame you or call you weak that can make for more suffering. Someone I spoke with was very adamant that they can't understand why any woman that went through DA would stick around with someone like that, and it's their lack as to why they would. It becomes easier when I remind myself that everyone has their own opinion, and their evaluation has nothing to do with myself.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤ thank you for sharing

[@Rosehybride]

I typically find it easier to be vulnerable because if they’re going to reject me, I want to get it out of the way.

[@deeclaxton2570]

Well, this hurts my heart. I know this is who I am and i know I'm better and healing but still broken. Vulnerability is a struggle so when we really share who we are, do the work to act from a healthy place and it doest work out it all feels like a double betrayal. And so much harder to try again.

[@Make1984FictionAgain]

This is so accurate. Thank you. For me it was a 20 year cycle of hearing "you're a good friend and a great f***,but I can't love you",while over-giving love to the point of being burnt out. I then finally learned to trust and fell deeply in love with a DA, who pretended just enough to let me believe it could be real. The discard was so devastating that I am now truly stuck, it's been 43 months of suffering from prolonged grief disorder,with deep fear of letting anyone close in case they say the same incredibly cruel things the DA did. I would be very grateful if you could perhaps make a video on prolonged grief disorder and how to heal from it. Once again thank you for all you do ❤

[@don-eb3fj]

Second the motion for a prolonged grief disorder video-this is so devastating to every facet of life, and is rooted so firmly, that it seems NOTHING can live while it remains.

[@don-eb3fj]

@syrushavoc1577 thank you for taking the time to express your kind sentiments.

[@RipTides311]

It feels like a miracle that I saw this. I had no idea why I was never being seen. I almost feel like I don't even know who I actually am without the overgiving. What if that's not what really want to do anymore or ever really did? I'm starting the course right now. The potential of being a burden terrifies me. I felt a physical reaction when you mentioned that part.

[@karenKristal]

can you do a video on insecure attachment and asexuality please

[@careitina1412]

Dear Thais,your work on this channel is a treasure! It impacted me personally on such a deep level,I have been searching on how to heal my wounds for years,and no information was that effective!! It feels to me that a simple ,,thank you " just isn't enough...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

So wonderful to hear! I am really happy for you and you are so welcome! ❤

[@lianamartinez650]

You're so great at describing these topics on an objective way which helps me reflect on behaviors outside of the emotional intensity that comes with it. I'm learning to speak up for my needs and jmhave done it recently. I don't have enough experience to see it as a positive when it's happening because I want to jump out of my body and run away during it. It's def uncomfortable to be seen but I'm at a place in my life, it's worth facing discomfort.

[@anewlifestirring]

Perhaps one aspect of the fearful personality style is that of a person who has lived through prejudice and discrimination, for example for his race. Intuitively, he knows that his future is most liable to be compromised as were his past experiences. This is not a reminiscence of his childhood wounds but his repeated experiences throughout his life that could only be remedied if society changes its attitude or he changes his skin colour changes.

[@don-eb3fj]

Good analogy, (though some would probably take offense where none was offered) and good insight into the repetition element that is seldom mentioned. As per your comparison, in some hard-to-define ways it often does seem that commonality has been lost, that some mysterious form of discrimination is at work, and that the same outcomes repeat to reinforce the underlying belief that the environment itself is simply hostile and uncaring, and that our vulnerability only begets more abuse. Perhaps with this perspective more understanding can be gained by both we who experience this and those looking on from the outside, and a more encouraging attitude can develop. Thanks for this, it was needed.

[@oldhollywoodangels]

I dont know I just ended things bcs it's one way and Im sick of it

[@chelsealeigh2417]

I have been in a relationship for 7 years now and we fight like siblings. For years I have been telling myself to stick it out but I feel like we are still in the power struggle stage and I am completely exhausted, we are/I am currently contemplating separation. Your advice is so beneficial, I have learned so much from your channel and I will be subscribing to your Personal Development School programme. I can't wait to get started. Thank you 😊

[@eileendom5858]

I really like this bc it’s so true for me. I grew up solving adult problems. Parents and grandparents plus watching over siblings as I’m the oldest. My last relationship with a DA ended 4 mid ago and during that time I wanted his help and out myself out there, but he saw me as weak and not a true partner. So it back fired on me.

[@lauraharshaconley7550]

This!! Thais nails it again!

[@jazmynegrace577]

Thank you for the video ❤

[@VasilisaForbes]

Thank you Thais!

[@LentilSoupGirl]

I won't resent people now as I'm scoring more and more secure and DA with slowly decreasing FA, AP is 0 now so it's great to be by myself. But i found myself getting anxious (?) when ppl would give me attention. What is this, anxiety or excitement? There's still some anxious in me so i need to work on more self love and regulation

[@Priestesslife]

This is so me! I become more conscious of my relationships being one way in the past 2 years

[@hanshansen1140]

So me! Thanks Thais n see you soon in PDS! ❤

[@henryzhao4622]

Any FAs here freak out when they finally met someone who saw them and wanted to be with them in a deep caring way ... and then freak out and push them away??

[@cecily4216]

Perfect video perfect timing

[@paulpelham3979]

Made so much sense !

[@paulpelham3979]

Wow this helps me so much, it has me over here doing some real inner work! Thank you! My mom introduced me to your channel!!

[@cachectin23]

I have experienced this as a DA. We can also come from very abusive backgrounds where we were expected to be caregivers. I have people pleasing tendencies and still am very DA. It happens.

[@dandanut5409]

🤗

[@starlightdreamer1999]

This explains so much !!! Thank you so much

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@morvenmacleod9559]

This is incredible. God bless you Thais ❤. Namaste x.

[@PaigeYesLee]

Thank You Thais 😊

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome ❤

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome! ❤

[@kellykay2339]

As always, so helpful. Thank you so much, Thais ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome ❤

[@Lily-gs9iv]

Thank you, Thais, for posting this! This was helpful and it indeed put some things into perspective for me. I think for me in the past I showed up like this in my friendships and even ended some because I felt I was contributing way more than the other person.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@marilynrose4977]

You are amazing 🌟 love your valuable content & how you deliver it. Thank You 🙏

[@lysabelle3990]

People with this issue have severe trust issues, and can see betrayal and non accepance in the smallest of things. It is like when anyone for that matter is sensitive about something anything about that subject or that triggers a negative feeling will make them feel not accepted or rejected. You may try to share and then you dont get the response you want and take it as something negative even if it wasnt and use that as a reason not to trust or share in the future. Confirmation bias and very hard for anyone not just FA's to overcome. It makes your relationships stagnate and eventually you feel like you are falling out of love but the reason why is because you arent allowing the relationship to develop full because of that fear of being vulnerable. That is typically when they find someone else or just leave the relationship because it isnt" working " It is very said because even when they have people they know for a long time very few really "know" them they are always holding back something

[@sterneprinzessin]

Wow, what I have already been thinking of today! It's so painful and lonely...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@kerrymillar1267]

It really is ❤

[@anothercat9600]

I so recognize this but I see myself as an AP mainly.

[@Ari-uf1eh]

Could you talk about the differences with AP's one-way relationships? It would be very interesting. Thank you for your work, it's so helpfull!

[@sadiqua7]

I’m a more secure FA, no problem with vulnerability.. it’s actually my preference since I hate to be misunderstood everrrrr. My ex on the other hand vomits vulnerability then immediately shuts down and disappears. Trying to navigate his minefield, finally in contact after a month. Instinct is telling me to show by example and hopefully he’ll see me as non- threat

[@haikuoflife]

Are they a DA? I recognize that one. They get disgusted with themselves after being vulnerable.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@tingting6889]

Dude I had this skill down until just a few weeks ago when someone literally dumped me for expressing mu needs and concerns. I hope this new trauma doesn’t make me backslide.

[@cynthiar6287]

My sociopath dead fish avoidant ex contacted me out of the blue wanting to get back together all lovey dovey 2 months after he broke off our engagement and left me devastated. He was legit shocked that I was upset or had a rough time at all. Can you do a video explaining to avoidants how their actions affect others? It's like they don't understand they are not normal or healthy.

[@LentilSoupGirl]

That is just horrible. It could be more than being an avoidant because first: we're not evil. second: why would a person break off an engagement and contact you thinking it wa nothing? It's definitely smth more

[@cynthiar6287]

@@LentilSoupGirl I really wish it wasn't but that is right in line with a lot of avoidant's behaviors. Not intentionally evil of course but it has the same effect on the people they hurt.

[@LentilSoupGirl]

@@cynthiar6287 i don't disagree, i wish i knew about attachment theory before i did the push and pull, i was confused too. It is, very harmful. But the degree of it you're describing, they might just be a horrible person or a sociopath, as you said.

[@LentilSoupGirl]

Also i really don't mean to invalidate your feelings! You're very much allowed to be hurt and angry. Nobody should have to go through that.

[@INTP564]

Sociopath dead fish 😂😂😂

[@nova12332]

I used to do this i think. I would give in 100% from the getgooo then i learned to not do that and pulled all the way back. And then my last person i dated, before i was aware of being a FA i would be hot and cold and not put in 100% like i did before thus that person leaving since she gave in her all. This shit is tiring ive learned to become more secure since but still hurts

[@robz75rr]

If I receive I’m afraid I’ll let my guard down and be happy only to end up hurt again

[@aml7481]

How about growing up in an family environment where your parents made it clear that they resented you having needs and would eventually hurt you on purpose because you have any needs at all?

[@iiAngelic]

Can you make a video on being dumped by a dismissive avoidant as an ap? How to handle the conversation?

[@LentilSoupGirl]

Self compassion? I've read a lot and the only thing you can do to heal as an AP is self soothing and self love instead of chasing and depending on others ~ i wish you well!

[@henryzhao4622]

Any FAs here ever push someone away you love out of fear of getting too close/committing??

[@blingkid6]

All damn day baby

[@henryzhao4622]

@@blingkid6 damn… what would be your ideal way for the person you pushed away to respond? Give you space for a few months then come back gently?

[@LentilSoupGirl]

So many times. Now i recognised i just like being alone lol. Some autistic contribution to this too.

[@henryzhao4622]

@@LentilSoupGirl so on the one hand you love someone but on the other it’s just no worth the risk of pain huh

[@LentilSoupGirl]

@@henryzhao4622 eh its more like... I'm very sceptical about the concept of romantic love?? also I'm not that FA anymore but i have a hard time being with other ppl?? I prefer distance and yearning (yes this is FA)

[@Yo_Mama37]

❤

[@justindivinagracia6421]

What happens when you do but the other individual won’t meet in the middle

[@LavenderHazelwood]

Then maybe you should reconsider the relationship?

[@justindivinagracia6421]

@@LavenderHazelwood I appreciate this I’m just giving the benefit of the doubt

[@yveqeshy]

Is this type of caretaking for the parents especially emotionally considered to be parentification of the child?

[@emilyb5557]

Yup it can be, I think there is a webinar on pds on parentification. It's def in the inner child course. I need to look at it as I was 100% parentified.

[@73barks]

Help, I know a very selfish FA. They don’t think of others. A narcissistic FA. What could I listen to to understand that creation of a person

[@sloveniaproducer]

It's normal to be an AP with someone and an FA with another? Not at the same time of course. My ex of 3 months triggered so many core wounds (after 2months she started distancing herself; was a DA; monkeybranched me) that I figured I was an AP. With my current gf of 6months I think I'm an FA, wanting closeness at times yet being distant. Am I that because there's no threat of being anandoned?

[@don-eb3fj]

That's a question only you can sufficiently answer through your own introspection of your feelings, which can be very difficult for some of us, but I would suggest that it may have more to do with being confronted with a partner's perceived "neediness" for our attention, a reflection of our own "shadow" that we do not wish to be confronted with, causing us to feel our own vulnerabilities. I tested with equal distribution across AP, FA, and DA (a tiny fraction secure) and am sympathetic to your experience of the "pendulum swing" through the attachment wound spectrum, having found that not only can my reactions change from relationship to relationship (romantic or platonic) but also trouble in one can cause changes in others, but that a safe romantic partner can provide stability in other relationships- it's SO CONFUSING! , so much so that it becomes difficult to even know how to answer the test questions! Currently, following a series of unfortunate events, I find myself stuck firmly, isolated behind the walls of DA land while I try to sort out 5 decades + of disorganized attachment- it wasn't all bad, I had a 22+year marriage that was worth every second of it, but now what? Thanks for sharing "the warmth of our confusion", I hope my reply helps you in some way to make the best of the relationships you have or to find those that can provide what you need to have peace and fulfillment.

[@LentilSoupGirl]

Attachment styles tend to differ with different people, so you're right! I used to be very anxious leaning FA w my AP ex, and Secure with a DA friend.

[@vero4206]

6 days notice for cancellation with paypal account.

[@Marauder-kd8zi]

Perfect example my transgender woman ex would give empty promises Would say things like let’s go out to eat and when we get back I wanna cuddle with my boyfriend and watch bobs burgers so like any person would would agree and believe that right ? So I was like okay we go out to eat and when we went to the car she tries to like nonchalant like in a manipulative way can I play my ds when we watch the show and of course I get upset cause that’s totally not fair so we get back and the thing is I wasn’t mad about her wanting to play her ds or do anything for the matter it was just. The fact that she always would say one thing and it constantly changes and I have to just go with it every time and then I look like the asshole or the bad one for being upset it’s so messed up I would say it’s one sided with my ex and it’s funny how I still care maybe it’s because I genuinely care for her well being and know she’s just got a bad past but it still doesn’t give someone the right to be this way

[@LentilSoupGirl]

It's very funny and heartbreaking because my anxious ex really said i "gave her nothing." she wasn't curious about knowing me as an individual, she was only interested ab how i fulfilled her needs. I did so many things i was uncomfortable with for majority of the relationship to make her happy. When i did manage to tell her that i felt v uncomfortable later on, she reacted w empathy. But just a while later, she started pushing me again because i gave it to her before and she got addicted to it. She justified everything she did by making me pity her flawed self but demonised me for every little mistake to boost her victim complex. It hurts. why?

[@valentinavsl4148]

Maybe you shouldn't have done things in the beggining that you can't sustain later. She wanted what she was sold to her, not what you were hiding

[@LentilSoupGirl]

@@valentinavsl4148 you don't magically know if you're comfortable with things the first few times you do it. Also, your argument to defend APs who don't understand consent is disturbing. First: manipulate people into feeling unsafe saying No. Second: push them even tho they're uncomfortable with it solely because you're now "addicted to it", even tho it sounds like sexual harassment. Third: manipulate them further by saying that You want sexual favours from them but YOU DON'T WANT TO PUSH them. You b*tches are borderline insane narcissists. Also you saying i "sold" her something says a lot about how you and your fellow insane folks view relationships. Exactly, you just want to use people. Get help.

[@brennam954]

So you gave her the bait and switch and are suprised she's upset by that basically.

[@foundations]

Clicked.....