What Fearful Avoidants Think When Dating An Anxious Preoccupied | Attachment Styles & Relationships

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In this video, we'll explore the relationship between the fearful avoidant attachment style and the anxious preoccupied attachment style, from the perspective of the fearful avoidant's perspective, what their experience is like and what they need.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#FearfulAvoidant #AnxiousPreoccupied #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #Relationships #Dating #Love #DatingAdvice #RelationshipAdvice
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[@NearlyNomads]

"They (the FA) really needs to feel that absence of pressure and expectation coming from the AP" I think this is the most important part of the whole dynamic. Because (in my experience), if that person is hyper-sensitive to the the feelings of pressure and expectation, they will feel that discomfort _no matter what_ you do. Their subconscious will always be on guard and in a state of "pulling away". That means that both parties are "wanting something different than what is", and that is the birthplace of toxicity.

[@LG-ly7di]

Any tips for a AP who wants to make things better with a FA partner who has totally gone cold

[@ghostinside]

@@LG-ly7di this is the tip for "an AP who wants to make things better..." for anything: FA/DA/whatever.. for a fight, going cold, ghosting, whatever: Focus on yourself. Stop focusing on the other person. It doesn't matter what they said, what they did, how much they promised or you _think_ they promised. None of that matters. Because it isn't about them, it is about the stories (thoughts and beliefs) that are living inside your mind that are causing your suffering. You can't change people, there is nothing you can do _for_ the other person that will bring them them back, warm them up, or get them to engage with you the way you want. You need to take a hard look at the relationship you have with yourself. Do it with compassion, grace, love and acceptance for the wounded little child that lives inside you.

[@melaniepritchardsuccesscoa3839]

I think if someone has been leading another on, it’s normal to expect the other party’s thoughts may respond in kind to that..!

[@robdog4095]

55

[@johnton6488]

@@LG-ly7di Be less of an AP and avoid FA. FA is desorganized attachment=almost allways borderline PD of various severity. While that is not their fault, they MUST work hard in psychoterapy on themselves to be able to function in (any) relationship first. There is no prince/ess charming to be "that" ideal person for them. Problem being AP is that we believe in such stories like "saving them" etc.

[@DerSchaddan]

I was in a relationship with an FA, (Me being the AP) and this is exactly how our relationship went. I went to therapy and got my core wounds sorted and was able to give her a lot more space, while caring for my own needs. In the end she broke up with me anyway. I was occasionally asking for more open communication about her needs. But she kept saying she's feeling uncomfortable although I was pretty chill in the end. Now she want's to be friends, but says she still has feelings for me. Switching between hot and cold, while also being in a casual rebound relationship. My best course of action is to completely let her go. Either I meet someone else someday, or she changes her mind - I guess

[@activemindset]

How is it?

[@DerSchaddan]

@@activemindset well... she always mentioned that we could talk in a month or two... like almost every month. There was an awkward moment and I confronted her that that would not have happened if would have talked earlier. She said she needs space. She never replied to the following messages. Had to get back at her eventually (6 months into the breakup, 3 months of no contact) to sort something out, she said she's ready to talk to me. We agreed that she'd reach out to me once she finds time to do that. A month past, I had to get back again (again because some money related stuff that needed to get sorted out) and she admitted she is not ready yet to talk to me, she'd get back to me "in a couple weeks" That was a month ago... I guess she's still with her rebound and still has not coped with any of this yet... In the meantime I'm going on a lot of dates. No luck yet... but maybe the girl I'm talking to rn... who knows...

[@activemindset]

@@DerSchaddan wow that sounds intense... Did you manage to move on? I am AP going through a breakup with FA and he seems untouched, as it all was good on his end and he was un affected. He is offering to be friends, which of course I refused. Did you do NC after breakup? Its tough! Wishing you the best 🍀

[@DerSchaddan]

@@activemindset thank you! It was indeed quite intense. There were 5 months of radio, 3 months continuous and then those two months separately. It's been very difficult to move on for me, I still dream about her, and I still have to cry at times bc of her... I'm trying my best tho with meditation, therapy, writing music about the situation... yeah... But generally speaking this year had a lot of the best moments of my life, all because I was forced out of my comfort zone. And I had epiphany after epiphany - so it's not all bad. Wish you all the best as well!

[@ajaypgp]

‘A true apology involves changed behavior’ Spot on everything 💯 ! It’s sad to hear this because I lost a great woman (I’m the FA/DA) but a blessing at the same time to identify patterns and how I need to heal and grow. 🙏🏽 Probably been in the PDS school for a little less than a year and Thais’ courses are the best out there and I’ve checked out a few.

[@angela2496]

My BF is disorganized attachment and it’s so confusing and lonely because I want to get close to him but he feels like an ocean away even w while laying next to me in bed. He struggles staying in the present moment up in his head. He shuts down esp. if I have emotions related to our relationship. I try to empathize but it’s hard for me when he doesn’t verbalize needs, boundaries etc. . Lots of him assuming how I’m feeling. Loads of miscommunication. Me guessing wth is going on with him? Is it me? What did I do? It fucking sucks tbh because I used to not really care. I was like well that’s his deal but now I take on his wounds. Ahhhhh We are very much in love. I’ve known him for 15 years. We have dated 4 of those. I break down almost monthly because I need vulnerability and depth from a partner and frankly it feels desperate to be asking my bf for attention, communication and intimacy! Ya know some of the basics to a healthy relationship. . I used to be secure but I guess I’m FA and AP now because I’m anxious or whatever to being OCD. Shut down push people away. Lonely af. My heart hurts. I’m learning to self soothe and reparent my inner child which has helped immensely. My bf is eager to please when I need support but i don’t feel as connected because he doesn’t ask for support from me and i want to reciprocate. I choose to focus on bettering myself, work on codependency and mirror healthy behaviors. I used to be secure and very independent but my bf committed suicide in 2004 and secure attachment quickly exited the building. Oddly I’ve felt secure in other relationships after his death so maybe it’s my current bfs core wounds and not about me. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. Avoiding, running away and stonewalling has been detrimental to my self esteem because I don’t avoid issues. I like to face them and work it out. Childhood trauma/ trauma in general is real y’all. Peace & love God help me Signed anxious and annoyed AF

[@Slowly_surely]

There’s something so grounding about hearing my responses to relationships so perfectly and logically explained.

[@elizabethbowman6241]

I'm an AP and have fallen for an FA. He started this whole situation-ship, but I initiated the fwb needing that physical connection after my husband passed away. He calls me daily anywhere from. 4-12 times a day. He has stated he doesn't wants a committed relationship right now, but can't be without me in his life. We have become best friends through all of this, which that alone has caused my feelings to grow. It's also caused my anxiety to skyrocket. Trying to learn myself and better myself, learn who I am through my loss, and deal with my feelings toward him, and knowing he feels the same but won't allow those feelings to come out has been very hard on me. Listening to these videos is the only thing helping me stay calm and level headed, so thank you.

[@mmondt9440]

It's tough when you want to move on to the next phase of a relationship but the FA acts cagey and non committal... I'm in a slightly different situation. My FA Gf considers us in a committed relationship... And I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, but I'll quote my other comment in this board: if it walks like a duck.... Then it is a duck. I told my FA Gf that I think we have a FWB. I hurt her feelings obviously, but sometimes you need to plant your flag and then let the FA put in the effort to back up they're words with actions. My new motto is, if she want my attention, she needs to be with me. No texting or phone calls. I no longer ask about "us" or the future... And I feel a lot more in control of my thoughts now. I'll plan my future as if I'm going it alone. I let her know she's always welcome at my place... And like magic, she's really starting to make efforts to show she is committed to.... At least not losing me. It's a long road, and we may never have what in my mind I picture as really close and loving relationship... You reap what you sow. If she hasn't the courage to lose herself to love... And be vulnerable... Maybe someone else will, but for now, she's the one I want to be with.

[@LeeChrissy]

I've been on and off with a DA for a few years now, platonic friends for over 20 years. I'm an FA. The first year he made it clear after a few months that he doesn't want us dating anyone else, but he doesn't want the label as he feels it will come with a boat load of responsibilities. So I broke it off and went silent. A few months later we tried again and just as I was about to retreat, he offered the relationship. Another 6 months passed and I retreated again because my needs weren't being met and I felt like he only gave me the relationship to keep me, not because he wanted it. I thought it was done for good, but he came back again. Mind you, neither of us dated even during the breaks. So now we're 4 months in and haven't discussed anything about a label, but it's just us and frankly, I'm not ready for that either. I told him I don't even want to broadcast us because I don't want to let in other people's energy aka opinions. My anxious side sometimes wants to have the relationship talk, but my avoidant side wants to leave it alone. It's not like we're hiding each other. Our close friends and family knows. We're just not posting public stuff about us. Without all the pressure, it's actually going amazing. You just have to decide if it's right for you. Some people don't want the label because they want to keep their options open and some are just truly afraid of ruining a good things by putting too much pressure on it.

[@sunflowerpower642]

I’ve never felt more toxic and anxious than with this FA and am only now finding out how much all of this is a sick twisted game for him

[@esmeambrose7373]

As a solid FA I want to say you absolutely nailed this, thanks for explaining the fear of enmeshment and codependency, definitely a big trigger for me... but ironically I just got hurt this month by dating an even stronger FA who is pushing me away even though I'm giving WEEKS of no contact as space

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Been there… Any update?

[@daniellediaz2516]

Are you sure that your "stronger FA" isn't really a DA?

[@destinyalanna]

Yes! I’m a strong FA but when I dated another FA I became extremely anxious I’m like wth this is ghetto 😂 I don’t like this and I ran away lmaooo

[@gwendolynn7314]

I think all FA's should date FA's so they see how it feels....

[@sjgrall]

This is right on point. I finally asked my ex from 16 years ago, who is now mostly secure, why he acted the way he did back then (I now see he was FA), and he said it was because he was insecure. We’re friends now, will never be more again as we’ve moved on, but having that understanding all these years later really helped me heal. I realize not everyone will get that opportunity, and how rare it can be. There is another (presumed FA) I attempted to date multiple times afterward and never got that level of clarity from. I still care deeply for the individual who came afterward and would consider trying again if he ever became secure. I now know better ways to react, with much credit to this channel!!

[@mampondob]

The accuracy is mind-blowing, thank you 😊🙏

[@alsacrime4806]

The specifics are next level, love you Thais!

[@tucky3191]

🙌🏻

[@aaronmohammed9250]

100% accurate about my experience with an FA....I'm the AP and working towards fixing it.

[@underthesignofthemoon]

Thank you, very helpful, can't wait for the rest of the video series!

[@Blasianpower2]

So I just found your channel during me learning about myself and my attachment styles and I just want to say I am happy I came here the explanations and scenarios you have described make some much sense to me! Thank you

[@amaliaesposito3942]

This is so nice because its the dynamic i'm in.

[@Tam438]

So helpful! 🙏

[@evereadyarts]

Thanks a million for your amazing contents:) 🙏👏👏

[@BeautyWithinKakra]

Thank you PDS🧡

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

I've been single for a decade, have a lot of great friends and honestly at this point I feel relationships are just too much work and won't work out. Just seems like all these subtle human relations stuff is just too hard. Constant negotiations and a lot of people not necessarily willing to make that work unless it's long time friends type of situation where you already know the ins and outs of each other

[@smileyface702]

Hey! I've been single for almost a decade myself. But I also don't feel like I get my emotional needs met by my friendships. I have next to 0 in-real-life/geographically-close friends after having moved country, but that was almost 2 years ago. I just really struggle to make new friends, especially close ones that I can really emotionally rely on and feel safe around. Do you have any tips for succeeding in freindship? I wonder why friendship is easier for you and others than romantic relationships.

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

@@smileyface702 oh it wasn't easy for me to make or keep friends necessarily. Go find things you enjoy doing and do them, you'll find like minded people. Say yes to new experiences and people and doors will open

[@NateDawg1027]

Sounds like you don't wanna put in the work either.

[@jerescot]

I was also single for 10 years for the reasons you described. Decided to give it a go, and found someone I thought was a perfect fit, for at least 8 months, turns out she was an FA..but I spent so many years with myself that I already know who I am now, and very comfortable alone, but I'm 33 and I do want to settle at this point and share my life with someone, but I've been dumped after a magical 10 months, and now I know that I want that connection but my walls are up again...it sucks, I've met someone again after the break up,, but my fa ex is still in my thoughts..and everything I feared about relationships has manifested and I'm so confused about it all again. so yeh, your comment resonated with me!

[@jaybone172gaming6]

@@jerescot I’m currently dating a FA woman, we broke up 4 months into dating and then got things back on after about 3 months and are now about 2 and a half into our 2nd time round. Things are difficult at the minute as she has been pulling back again this past coupes of weeks. She doesn’t want us to end things but she is currently suffering a lot of health issues and it’s causing her to push me away. I’ve let her know exactly what I need from her goi g forward and she says she is trying, but she still switches back and forth between close and distant. As an anxious pre occupied do you have any advice to stop myself over thinking and thinking the worse case scenarios whenever she pulls back?

[@pavithramelpal]

Tnqq that was helpful

[@rrico4445]

Hi. Can you do a video about getting married and engagements on the different attachment styles??

[@A22208]

Relationships are about entanglement, engulfment, codependency, interdependence, coexistence. You cant even buy a dishwasher without the other person. That's the WHOLE POINT of being in a relationship. I'm not say some independence is important, and I'm not saying engulfment is good. But that is the beauty of relationships, you are marrying your best friend who you have physical attraction to. To be vulnerable with, connected with, to share what is on your mind and heart. That you have someone else for emotional support and have your back. We are all truly never healed. Why would I be in a relationship if I get all my needs met through my friends and work?

[@roshalllambert]

We have a webinar coming up about this topic (different attachment styles together) soon!

[@austinnguyen9107]

Sweet

[@josedubois2295]

The flaw finding describes what I went through. She left because she said I have no spine and we were too different in lifestyle. I gave up about a month ago ever trying to get her back.

[@alexissashanicolle8675]

I think my ex is FA, and definitely started nit picking my appearance towards the end (said he didn't like my smile lines or my freckles). I'm secure, but I wonder if because I never gave him the "challenge" of playing hard to get, maybe he got bored or felt this was going too well? It was so strange, it felt like we clicked super well, had so many interests, values, aspirations, etc... in common. It was right around the commitment of moving in together (after 9 months of a long distance relationship) that he said he loved me, but was not in love with me because sometimes he felt attracted and sometimes he didn't - but he still wanted to be friends. I find that kind of odd. I said I didn't want to talk until he could get clarity on his feelings. It's been a month since then. No word. I've started talking to other guys, I'm not waiting around for him. I do hope he get's some healing, I think he has some issues/healing to work through. But it really struck me as odd that he initially thought I was so pretty and was talking about marriage and future plans, and then seemed to look for unattractive aspects ie: my smile lines. Is that common for an FA to suddenly lose attraction to someone if the relationship is going well and there's an emotional and intellectual connection? Just curious. Would love thoughts.

[@alexissashanicolle8675]

@Tracy thanks for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it, and true, only he could tell me why exactly. Thank you!

[@emangrabogadi1051]

He sounds more DA. DAs will kind of “lovebomb” you and when commitment strikes, they start looking for your flaws so as to create an emotional distance. I recently dated an FA leaning avoidant/DA who did exactly the same thing. After recording a VN telling him how his behavior was rude, he responded “maybe you should forget me.” I think Im now secure because I was telling him how I don’t deserve to be treated in a rude manner, and being shut off. He feels this is “impatient” but unlike the DA~ he had communicated that me asking us to part ways early on really hurt him. Thats why I think he is FA. He was really sweet in the beginning.

[@alexissashanicolle8675]

@@emangrabogadi1051 thank you! Yes, mine was really sweet in the beginning too. Left me totally blinde sided!

[@mmondt9440]

My FA avoidant GF has openly admitted to being afraid of losing me... We dated a year before I moved in with her... Big no-no if your dating a FA. I wear my thoughts and feelings on my sleeve.... And I like labels. What are we, and where are we headed? A year later I had to drag it out of her that she wanted to live separately...and in 2 weeks I was out. More recently she has turned facts around, like me being the reason she quit volunteering for the park service, when really she quit because she was over stressed. She has started mentioning how her late husband always smelled nice and dressed nice... And it's something I might do more often for her... Her late husband is a whole other story... He's was literally superman. But he never could fix anything around the house, he loved expensive toys, and he was into... Degregation / humiliation fetish. How can I compete with that.

[@alexissashanicolle8675]

@@mmondt9440 thank you for that reality check! Sometimes it's easy to remember the good and want to hope for the best, so thank you for reminding me that FAs have deeper issues. I think if they want to heal, and get help they can, but I don't want to be dragged through the mud while he figures it out. I'm sorry for everything your GF put you through.

[@Twighlight333]

I mentioned this on your other video, as an FA I can NOT associate with APs….. their needy and clingyness gives me literal headaches…. I feel so drained, suffocated, trapped, pressured I just can’t… as soon as I notice someone is an AP I cut ties right away! I’d rather deal with the DA although they cause me pain, I still want to run back to the DA, but the Ap I right away look for the exit and I want to run as far away as possible and never go back to them again. The APs can not understand that I do not want to talk to you everyday or see you everyday I need my own space to be with me alone, that’s how I recharge with my own self and I find it hard to do that when I’m constantly being questioned if I still like them, or if I’m mad at them… like NO for the millionth time I just want to be and love to be alone at times. And because of this I just don’t even bother with APs I just avoid them all together as friends, romantic relationships ect ect.

[@lsmith4597]

Do you maybe think sometimes someone may seem anxious because they may have different expectations or boundaries to the fa one thing I noticed is an fa here's your expressions of your own feelings are about something they do and intemperate it different to how it's ment without questioning it most of the time it's miscommunication on both parts I agree that someone shouldn't ask all the time if there a problem but then the behavioural changes warrant asking catch 22 I'm thinking

[@BruceJC75]

I think she’ll be back around by the Fall. I just wish I could stop thinking it.

[@jupiter5487]

Can you make video about both are FA in a relationship

[@ScottH7651]

according to the book Attached, FAs comprise only 5% of the population but it seems to be much higher, or much much higher in the mid-life dating pool. Has anyone else wondered about this?

[@sjgrall]

I agree, seems that most I’ve tried dating were FA or DA, and it actually contributed to me becoming AP at one point, along with DA and FA depending on the person and the actual interaction dynamics.

[@gwendolynn7314]

I don't know how they come up with their stats, but I know more people that are FA's than any other attachment Style

[@ScottH7651]

@@gwendolynn7314 I've dated 6 women since divorce and I believe 3 of them were FAs. Maybe they're a small percentage of the general population but they're a huge percentage of the mid-life dating pool.

[@jacobgraf7284]

Disorganized attachment gang! Woot!

[@A22208]

They want to keep control

[@nathansawicky6333]

I got in a casual relationship with a Fa right before she moved long distance. She didnt want to reply to my texts as one of her boundaries and when I would call she wanted to talk about how great the other guys she was dating were possibly as a way to make me jealous or just telling me to keep distance. She wanted to be the decider when we would talk(which was once a week on her drive to work where we obviously had nothing to talk about because I couldnt send her pictures of what I was doing, music etc she was super excited to talk about the other guys she was dating though lol) When I told her there was no connection and I didn't want to visit her(after she asked to shrink the duration of my visit down to a couple days) she cried and said she would pay for the plane tickets. By the time I went she asked me to visit as a friend and had me sleep on her couch lol (pretty sure she was more seriously dating another guy) however she was visibly quite bothered I wasn't doing romantic stuff for her. She tried once but for the most part she was too afraid of rejection to iniate it herself. She started to find a way to see if I was interested in coming back to visit without asking me directly which I ignored because I realized she was just dangling a carrot to see how I felt. I dont think she actually wanted me to visit. By the time I left she was absolutely heart broken and not talking but she wouldn't say it to me even when i asked what was wrong. She called me up over and over when I got back trying to get a hold of me for her birthday. I told her I'd be in her area in a month for a couple weeks for MY birthday and would like to see her at some point. She sounded emotional like how sweet of a romantic gesture and then proceeded to aggressively tell me she'd be busy doing other stuff in a rather uspet tone. Super confusing and hurtful on my end and hers. She has a lot of pain. I wish I knew where she was coming from at the time. I would have understood. I was just super confused. I think there was some overlap of using the other guy as a tool for her fa behavior .

[@yuiitodoro7791]

Hard stuff

[@mmondt9440]

Think I'm dating FA. Things are good face to face... Other than the intimacy feels a bit one sided, but I've never felt unloved. But we have regressed to seeing each other every other weekend going on 3 years together, and when apart.... I may as well be on the far side of the moon. It's taken me a while to learn to relax and stop asking questions... But my patience is finite.

[@mmondt9440]

@@bgrose78 it's like the boiling frog experiment.. when is it time to jump out of the pot. What is your situation?

[@mmondt9440]

@@bgrose78 yes, I've been self diagnosing. I was definitely anxious attached... I'm not a mind reader... I like getting things out in the open. But I've been following a couple "manosphere" KZbinrs and was able to see I was acting beta male simp... For me.. it was simple. Evaluate the relationship and then accept it for what it is... Not what it could be. So for me, I see I'm in a friends with benefits relationship. If it walks like a duck... I mentioned this once to her, and I may have hurt her feelings. I am now okay, I feel better about myself, I plan my future as if I'm going it alone. Oddly, she's become more attracted to me in subtle ways, she's bought a "love journal" with a weekly topic for us to write about. She includes me in her plans for when she sells her house and lives in an RV, and I promise nothing... Other than she is welcome to move in with me if she needs a place to stay... I used to buy her ridiculously expensive gifts. I bought her an $800 kayak two years ago. This past Christmas I bought her art supplies, I spent less than $20. After watching a few of these videos, I've learned that buying cheap gifts is better if your with a DA / FA. Sounds crazy, but it's absolutely true.

[@smiths698]

@@mmondt9440 hmmmmmm not so sure about the cheap gift thing! I don't appreciate a cheap gift with little thought if I know you can afford more. It makes me feel undervalued and suspicious of your intentions. I'm an FA BTW

[@mmondt9440]

@@smiths698 you know comment sections... Maybe things get lost in translation. Bear in mind, I'm speaking of the love of my life... My FA Gf. Did I say cheap or thoughtless gifts? Sorry if I did... But anyone watching this channel, this exact issue was discussed ( gifts )... And to summarize: 1) Buying a super expensive gift makes an FA back away because they don't want to "have" to reciprocate, they see it as you trying to buy your way into their very secret life. 2) FA's are very particular on what they want but they don't necessarily want to spend the emotional effort to explain things in detail... To share thier thoughts. In this case, gift cards are a good bet. Conversely, my GF makes a lot of money, so gift cards... Ehhh. So I need to think up something inexpensive, yet meaningful...

[@mariamoooooo]

@@bgrose78so you’re cheating on your partner with this other person and you think you deserve a happy healthy relationship? doesn’t work like that. break it off with your partner and get help

[@hilla2940]

hi thais! i wonder if it's usual for a fearful avoidant to deactivate when receiving compliments? or is that more usual for dismissive avoidants? or is that behaviour even linked to an attachment style? my romantic interest can be sharing, romantic and warm, but tends to pull away and become a bit cold and distant when given compliment(s) by me. it's confusing to me as a secure person with some anxious tendencies.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@lt8489]

Oh. My. God. My girlfriend has done almost all of this.

[@rebeccarich7112]

Your videos are amazingly helpful thank you. Can I suggest that you talk a little more slowly? It will be easier to absorb all the quality stuff you’re sharing.

[@ItsAsparageese]

You can slow the playback from the video settings

[@DHarma1923]

Thais!!! I wish i could pour my heart out to you! You are heaven sent for me. But ive been having a burning question in my head ever sense I’ve discovered you (and some parts of myself) What do we have romantic relationships for? I often hear that we cant expect too much from anyone because thats how you disappoint yourself. But if we can not depend or rely upon our partners then how do we build families and legacy with them?

[@oohily]

Amazing question. I grapple with this question often.

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Hey Harmonie! Excellent question, and something I have wondered about a lot too. I think we have romantic relationships because they can be a mirror to show us what we still need to work on within ourselves. I think it's okay to have expectations, as long as we learn to communicate them clearly and don't rely on a single person to fill all our needs. Wishing you all the best ♥️

[@MellowBellow1]

Self protection becoming self sabotage.

[@Gomba13]

Important question to the FA people here: when you try to find fault in someone, does that usually mean that you are in love with them? Or you will do that even when you are turning away from a person you are losing interest in because they turned out to not be the right person, people you are not in love with? In other words, is the fault finding systematic, or is that reserved to people you feel deeply about?

[@live.life.secure.coaching]

It can be when you're in the process of catching feelings or when you already have feelings. I've noticed that I've subconsciously started to look for flaws in the person I've been seeing for a month or two. I'm nowhere close to being in love with him, but I do care about him.

[@loria287]

For me it happens when I’m losing attraction to them. 2 examples with AP and DA AP: would want to give me the world and would let me talk to them any kind of way. In the beginning I craved the connection and was equally as involved as they were because I had just left a relationship where those needs of intimacy weren’t met. The AP was like the medicine I needed to recover. Once I got the dose it became too much. They wanted it to be consistent and turned me off and I needed space so I started nitpicking and they would make the chances for me. Eventually I told them to make the decision for themself and they left. Never desired contacting them again. DA: would give a lot of intimacy to wheel me in then once they had me on the leash they’d reject me. Not want to kiss, communicate, cuddle, and it would constantly cycle like this. I had the DA on a pedestal even though they had so many visible flaws like odor, size, hygiene etc… I thought I could overlook them because I liked who I thought they were. After spending more time with them and not liking them but not ready to let them go because I couldn’t get the DA to be stable with me (I was AP leaning with them most times) I just found them disgusting but still wanted them to be with me for my ego so I started nitpicking and saying all my negative thoughts aloud to them. They would act like it didn’t phase them but days later they would bring it back up. We are still in small communication but I know the DA is not interested in me and I’m only interested because I didn’t get what I wanted.

[@marekin8024]

Actually I feel it can go both ways. In the dating stage, as I fall in love, I start seeing them as a threat. What I'll do is look for something that will prove to me the relationship won't work. On the flipside, if someone is trying too hard to impress me but I've already spotted a few ref flags, I'll actually point it out to them so they can see why I'm rejecting them. Like I'll actually be very logical about why we are not a good fit.

[@lovelifesadventures]

What is a typical pushing away time period? I’m in no contact right now and not sure if this is a time out or that he is gone?

[@cherylthompson2731]

As a FA, I would never not connect with my boyfriend. I need to talk every day. You should call/ text him. Maybe he's wanting you to make the next move.

[@qu14torze82]

6:05 What FA needs in general.

[@sjgrall]

Requires that FA be willing to be vulnerable enough to recognize and state their needs.

[@cloudslady3400]

I have some weird issue relating to the dating stage of a relationship...I tend to be so cold soo cold like I don’t invest much or sometimes I don’t invest at all and I don’t like all the excitement thing the other person is showing..I don’t like nice words or saying I love you in the first date I shut off really strongly cuz I fear that my emotions will make me choose wrong..and I feel comfortable when the other partner gets bored and leave by himself...I don’t now if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship or it’s because I’m Fa???

[@live.life.secure.coaching]

Boy, do I relate to this!!! This is kinda how I'm feeling right now. Just agree to be exclusive with someone and I'm really regretting it. I'm still hung up on a DA and now I'm starting to feel trapped because now, if I have feelings for someone else, it's considered emotional cheating and I don't like that. But my new boyfriend is AP and he needs labels, I can tell. It's very overwhelming.

[@gwendolynn7314]

Are you sure you're now a DA?

[@mr.wiggles362]

Is this webinar out already?

[@SkyePhoenix]

I can't believe that he likes me at all. Lol. I love it though, because so far... I'm really liking him. I'm mindful of my insecure attachment wounds. He doesn't come across as anxious at all. He's been in therapy so maybe he's worked through a lot of his issues. Probably he's more secure than I am. He doesn't put all of his eggs in one basket. He's polyamorus. I've always been monogamous. There is a big age gap. He also lives 3 hours away from me. There are many reasons why this probably won't work long term.

[@ad6417]

FA here.....yep.

[@snoopi718]

How do you know me? Who sent you? Is Thais even your real name?

[@Blasianpower2]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@nova12332]

I really hate that im a FA. I definitely put my wall up due to pressure when the girl i was dating suddenly asked me to be official. I missed that chance and the relationship eventually ended. I messed up big time and im trying to move on but its hard

[@gwendolynn7314]

You should fix yourself first or you will push away all relationships...

[@nova12332]

@@gwendolynn7314 ive leveled up ALOT since then

[@Jamy528]

💜🙏

[@tiffanyfletcher8248]

I am a FA and married a AP.. Is FA able to be treated?

[@lianevoelker9845]

This is such a heartfelt question. Yes it can be "treated". Go to couples therapy!

[@marritbrouwer226]

Soo, when will it ever become easy😅

[@RoniiiB]

🥺🥺🥺

[@sylvievachon1020]

He said we still have potential but not sure how much..ugh

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

The hot and cold dynamic would be unpleasant for anyone, maybe not DA

[@sterlingsmith4474]

You really begin to see that it’s all about what the FA needs and wants. The AP needs/desires gets lost in the shuffle. Reciprocity is virtually non existent from the FA. Feelings are taboo as far as the FA is concerned

[@megyalilaballad]

F*cking sick behaviour. This and DA. Avoidant… Narcissistic… BPD… Red flags everywhere! I even went to therapy to see if there was something wrong with ME. Never again in my life am I putting up with their internal sh*t and emotional baggage.

[@sterlingsmith4474]

So the moral to the story is if you have AP tendencies then don’t get involved with a FA partner. They will torture you emotionally with hot/cold, flatness, indifference , lack of reciprocity, and self absorbtion. After 4 years with my FA girlfriend, she put me in her rear view mirror in an instant. All her flowery words were just that: words.

[@0Demiyah0]

The moral of the story is: work on your AP behaviors and learn to be tolerant to how people perceive you for your own growth, because you overwhelm both FA and DA, and you're not attracted to AP's.

[@Roshan_K]

Recently out of a relationship with AP girlfriend after 3 years.... Bro no matter how much i comforted her, loved her, given her reassurance, helped build her career , but I was never enough.... We used to have small fights never any big fight only on this topic.... She always used to feel, unloved, unheard, unwanted..... It just drained me.... I still love her and would give it another try but i would also wish she works on herself and heal....

[@flashman76]

Bingo! Unfortunately we always learn the hard way

[@Twighlight333]

@@0Demiyah0 well said! The AP has to heal their own wounds too, they don’t understand how draining they can be when unheald, it seems like nothing is ever enough…. The constant reassurance is draining within it self and it makes others feel so trapped, and suffocating they have no other choice but to walk away.

[@ItsAsparageese]

Imagine blaming a whole category of people because you were hurt, jfc have some accountability. And I say this as an AP who's also been hurt by FAs. The comments on these videos raging at FAs are just ridiculous

[@markpratt8201]

Way too much work with an FA...move on!

[@smiths698]

Not true!! As an FA I was in a relationship for more than 15 years. It's not easy but can work

[@couch_philosoph3325]

Depends. Im an FA and all throughout my life people i was in a relationship with always told me i treated them right and was the best relationship to date when they broke up with me (lol). I am now around 50% secure.