Fearful Avoidants: The Five Biggest Lies You Tell Yourself About Love

[@karencoleman6800]

1. I don't need anyone else 2. Our flaws are unsolvable problems 3. Everyone will eventually leave 4. Everyone will betray me 5. I can start over in new relationship

[@暗香晚风]

😇They become complacent in the lies they have smug, and Then start a new Struggle again......😂

[@MadisonGrene]

That “all or nothing” mindset you mention in #4 is such a huge landmine for something else you didn’t mention. If the FA themself feels like they failed their partner or messed up in the relationship, they often just give up and stop putting in effort or end the relationship abruptly. There’s no talking through if whatever it is even is a dealbreaker to the partner, or how a situation could be approached differently in the future. Which feeds into lie 5 as well, to a securely attached person it’s baffling and extremely painful how quickly an FA is willing to just throw everything away.

[@Locut0s]

I think us FAs do this because very deep down we feel that we are really not of any real value, as well that our existence is a negative often harmful element in the world. On some level I think we often think we are saving the other person much greater pain by cutting and getting out early because there is a fundamental belief that if things go even a little wrong it’s validation of the wounds we cary that we are fundamentally terrible horrible people and so shutting things down and leaving we see as the best thing we can do. It’s a horribly twisted and incorrect view of things and ironically we know cutting and running isn’t right and will cause hurt which we will use as evidence in the future to just further bolster that view that we are bad wrong people. But it’s a difficult one to dislodge because the feelings that come up in the heat of the moments of conflict or upset are extremely strong and are very much of this “we will ruin it all anyway”.

[@kayladavis4574]

Yes!

[@alisonfisher1877]

I’m an FA, but my boyfriend is DA and this sounds more like him. Sometimes I would have to talk him out of giving up on himself and tell him I believed in his capabilities. I pleaded for the sake of our relationship. He’s improved so much though and doesn’t really do this anymore. Good things come.

[@PaigeSquared]

Is that a thing that happens? They disengage but actually still want the relationship? To me, he *really* seems to not want to be around me, so I'm trying to be respectful. But then he gets upset. 😟

[@暗香晚风]

Why did I slap him 2 in Last Fri night? My experience with “Avoidant Attachment Personality Disorder ” Well, maybe I'm different from most women, Generally: I never bother or MSG Bomb to him, OR ask for Hugs, Kisses and Sex, I'm a real lady, that's all. He should't be feeling any pressure, but somehow he's still so upset the Sadness lies in: Every time we meet it is joy and happiness！ Every time we say Goodbye... I have a premonition that winter is coming again.... Although my heart screams in pain like a wounded beast, my face always had calm and naughty smile - BCZ it's protect my own most respectable method Moreover, he let Stood me up many times, and I accepted it with patience again, Although he Never explained the reason. But within 10 days, he Suddenly blocked me 2 times without any Reason or even just ONE word.... He Turned into an Bottomless ice cave again___This barbaric and disrespectful act made me fall down! In 5.17.2024 at my "Cozy place, North York fall", he even sent ambiguous MSG to his Bla GF in front of me (Although I know that APD is good at Lying&Acing, he has LOST the most basic Respect for me!) I'm sorry Father: I was Completely Broken Finally, I beat him hard 2 slaps __ It's the First time in my life that I had hurt someone. I could clearly saw a few finger prints on the bridge of his nose From white to red ! But it's strange, why is there no blood? I don't feel any guilt about it, BCZ he deserves to be repaired and taught a lesson like this,Hopefully he'll be woken up from now on ！ At the time, I gave him the Most unforgettable Gift in his life: What call "Complete kindness"? Bcz my doctor and friends encouraged me to call 911, bcz that BST he also left several bruises on half of my shoulder ! I was willing But I'm sorry, I choose to be silent, bcz he's a patient, bcz we once loved each other (although I never confessed), and for a devout Christian lady: all the tears &pain, our God already knew, He will put it away Become a Blessing in the future. So, let me forgive him "70 times"_ It's God's command Also it means: A beautiful and romantic Love story, which can ONLY Happen between two Mentally Healthy men and women!💞 yt3.ggpht.com/5RDrtjmzRQKuVYE_FKPUHiGh7TNtX5eSNe6XzcSytMsHirXYKunxpyAsVacTFMg0jmUGhQ=w48-h48-c-k-nd

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

me as a FA when faced with a perceived slight: "imma head out right now"

[@thehapagirl92]

Biggest lie I tell myself is that ALL people lie and will leave me. As a typical FA I do this not only in romantic relationships but also friendships and with jobs. I self sabotage by making it a self-fulfilling prophecy by lashing out (not in work) and the other person gets offended obviously and doesn’t want to work it out. I never communicate my abandonment fear until after I lash out and push them away and then I frantically try to get the friendship or relationship back, and rhe person never wants to repair. I have a Bachelors in Communication so I should know that this Gottman Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse startup to conflict isn’t conducive towards vocalizing my abandonment issues in the hopes of the other person understanding me. DO NOT LASH OUT AND LEAVE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY TRY TO REPAIR BY THEN VOCALIZING YOUR NEEDS, IT WILL BE TOO LATE! VOCALIZE NEEDS SO YOU DO NOT LASH OUT! I’ve never had someone want to accept me back after lashing out even if it’s done only once. This is in capital letters because it’s important. In jobs I start thinking my boss will fire me and I end up quitting myself.

[@inyoureyes25]

Having had an “almost” lash out with my romantic partner, I can say you are so right! Don’t do it!! Just missed this faux pas by the skin of my teeth.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing

[@Juniperberrie25]

This is really insightful. Out of interest, when you lash out, what do you want your partner to do in response? My FA never lashed out, instead he distanced himself, became quieter and uninterested and then gaslighted me when I confronted him. I’ve had a few FAs slowly distance themselves from me, some (usually friends) come back and act like nothing happened and others (usually romantic partners) I end the relationship when they come back, because I feel abandoned/unwanted. They usually try to resolve it but without explicitly acknowledging the fact that they distanced themselves from me or answering any of my questions around wanting to understand what’s on their mind, they say things like ‘I was just busy’ but at that point, I’ve lost trust and I’m too hurt. I’ve always wondered though, when they are distancing from me, what do they want me to do. Chase them?, ignore them? - my assumption has always been that ‘distance = loss of interest’ and therefore I have no choice but to end it with them because they’ve already left me, emotionally. But hearing things from an FA perspective, now I’m not sure. It’s so painful, on both sides.

[@StudioSGS]

So true! The best relationship is the one you build together. The honeymoon stage feels great but its not real. The commitment and bliss stages are worth the work. The "feel-good" of the honeymoon stage but now also feeling seen, known, understood, and accepted. That's bliss!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@airbound7407]

4:00 this is literally me. I always know how to win people over and then I’m like wait why am I doing all the work and why aren’t you showing up the way I am?

[@psi23k]

I hate that I do the same thing lol.

[@liakh.2539]

It’s so frustrating

[@lhmccool67]

As an FA, in literally EVERY romantic relationship the guy has cheated. Definitely reinforces all of these points and makes it better to be alone.

[@dustinquinton]

I know there are always exceptions to the rule, and I am. I am definitely an FA and have never cheated, and never will. That is probably my biggest boundary ever. I don’t put myself in those situations and people know better. And if someone says they don’t need me, I’m gone. Why stick around if I’m not needed?

[@_audacity2722]

Not EVERY romantic relationship for me… but my first several relationships yes. Either they cheated on me or cheated on someone else to hook up with me. It led to deep deep mistrust of women in general, and only being able to trust them in a transactional context

[@scottlittleton4401]

My ex is FA. i am AP. She broke up in part as I triggered her on something that reminded her of her ex.

[@dustinquinton]

@@scottlittleton4401 sounds to me like she hasn’t healed, and in turn, will probably have issues with that in the future. Maybe you “dodged a bullet?”

[@aleciamillslmtcnmtrmt6577]

Yep…deuces! Ugh…

[@SincerelyChiss]

I really hate that I function like 3 & 4 I hate that everything is so black & white for me it’s really hard for me to move pass ppl hurting me idc how good they’ve been to me once they hurt me I can’t move pass it & it bothers me that I can’t 🥺

[@EdHayes3]

Forgiveness is so powerful.

[@dangfd551]

😭lie #6 can’t tell truth apart from narratives.

[@astridhanl4861]

It's still so scary and hard to communicate my needs and boundaries.. Everytime I am preparing myself to be neglected and left. And more and more I am being respected for it

[@dustinquinton]

I am FA. My ex broke my trust. It’s not only that she broke my trust, it’s when I started talking to her about it. She started gaslighting and never apologized (no accountability). The gaslighting and no apology made it 10 times worse.

[@sf808opalaman]

DA with ADHD

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

True true true. All of it. So true and so painful. But funny now after almost 3 years ON OFF relationship with a DA it seems I have sort off healed myself half way in all of those points. Like the connection was so strong but the interaction so rubbish that I was forced deeply look at myself and see how crazy and unreasonable I sometimes am. Somewhere you pointed out how we mirror each other in those dynamics of two partners being different attachment styles. That is so so true as well. Thank you for all your hard work, it's unbelievable how much insight you bring to our internal chaos ❤

[@PushaTeeDot]

“Need to have a healthy relationship with yourself…”

[@Flufero23]

How ironic. My FA monkey branched me to another woman and then offered me "friendship". To salvage my dignity I said no and walked away forever. For four years I did my best. He never communicated his needs. I never would have left. At this stage of my life, I didn't enter into the relationship to give up on it. Heartbreak is so painful. He could repress his romantic feelings. Unfortunately, the pain of heartbreak is eventually felt. ( We both loved each other.)

[@暗香晚风]

They become complacent in the lies they have Smug, and Then start a new Struggle again......

[@soulsfood4354]

Why cry over a part of our life? In fact, our entire life has been a tearjerker！

[@暗香晚风]

Why did I slap him 2 in Last Fri night? My amazing experience with “FAPD ”: To be honest, he is my favorite type of man. Although he is very ordinary。 BTW: I am a Chinese reporter and writer, and I have interviewed countless men of all kinds, but he is an absolute Unicorn. Well, maybe I'm different from most Sisters, Generally: I Never, never bother or MSG Bomb to him ( Only last Nov I went crazy 20days) , OR ask for Hugs, Kisses and Sex, we both are Christians, And he enjoyed my sharing of interesting reporter and writer experiences about China！I also gave him all the tenderness, consideration and naughtiness that a woman can give. That's all. BTW: still , he's a great virgin.We have met each other for 14 months。 So, He should't be feeling any pressure, right？but somehow he's still so Upset and Anxious. the Sadness lies in: Every time we met it was joy and happiness！ Every time we say Goodbye... I have a premonition that winter is coming again.... I ONLY have 2 seasons after Meeting him. Although my heart screams in pain like a wounded beast, my face still had calm and naughty smile - BCZ it's protect my own, OR it is the last Dignity of a lady. Moreover, he seem enjoy to Stood me up many times, .And I accepted it with patience again, look like Nothing seems to have happened...Although he Never explained the reason. But just after 10 days, he Suddenly blocked me 2 times without any Reason or even just ONE word.... He Turned into an Bottomless ice cave again___This barbaric and disrespectful act made me fall down! In 5.17.2024 at my "Cozy place, North York fall", he even sent ambiguous MSG to his Bla GF in front of me (Although I know that FAPD is good at Lying&Acing, he has LOST the most basic Respect for me!) I'm sorry Father: I was Completely Broken Finally, I beat him hard 2 slaps __ It's the First time in my life that I had hurt someone. I could clearly saw a few finger prints on the bridge of his nose From white to red ! But it's strange, why is there no blood? He had so many "I don't Deserve it", but this time he was so Worthy! I don't feel any guilt about it, BCZ he deserves to be repaired and taught a lesson like this,Hopefully he'll be Woken up from now on ！ At the time, I gave him the Most unforgettable Gift in his life: What call "Complete kindness"? What that LOVE is？ Bcz my doctor and friends encouraged me to call 911, bcz that jerk he also left several bruises on half of my shoulder ... I was willing But I'm sorry, I can't. I choose to be silent, bcz he's a patient, bcz we once loved each other (although I never confessed), and for a devout Christian lady: ALL the tears &pain, our God already knew, He will put it away Become a Blessing in the future. So, let me forgive him "70 times"_ It's God's command. Forgiving him means forgiving myself ！ Also it means: A beautiful and romantic Love story, which can ONLY Happen between two Mentally Healthy men and women! May God bless everyone ! 回避型5个骗自己的谎言： kzbin.info/www/bejne/fnLTnKqfet6UgZo

[@kayladavis4574]

Wow! This is such a helpful video. I realized I’m not anxious but fearful avoidant

[@yesno6726]

As an FA, I relate to the differences between a relationship with someone else and yourself. Your videos helped me alot to feel secure to the relationship with myself. However, there is an inconsistency of falling back to bad habits in my relationship with others, hitting the nail on the head with your #2 point, neglecting my own needs because Im not communicating my needs with loved ones. There is this fear communicating my needs "forces" a behavior response in someone else to meet my needs. The fear of force makes me doubt whether or not this is a real emotion, because of this negative thinking that they're only showing up to my needs because I said something, not because they wanted to (i do realize this is unfair to them because i want them to read my mind), so I need to work on communicating my needs and be consistent with the relationship with myself and others

[@4Him4u2]

It’s a little scary how accurate all of these points are. Wow. Thanks for posting. You are the best!!

[@ummjunayd1511]

Recovering FA and I feel so seen and understood.

[@coconutwater4531]

#5 doesn’t ring true at all. I want to work through problems in relationships. They end because the other person isn’t willing to work on it and discards me instead

[@JB-dk8zc]

Yes^^. But, like me being ready to work came at a devastating cost...THE timing was a week or 2 late. I broke trust not knowing exactly what triggered my behavior. When I decided to go full force and try to salvage the relationship, she was already gone. The love of my life. I see after months of Therapy and self healing she is all 4 and maybe 5. I'm at least 3 of the 5. I'm leaning much more secure and tackling my traumas. I'm very honest and accountable with myself. Don't ignore your mental/emotional health and continue to put in the work. It's a life long process. The sad thing is, the majority of people rarely question whether they need to work on themselves.

[@coconutwater4531]

@@JB-dk8zc what do you think happened in that two weeks? Don’t people need time to cool down after conflicts? If she was truly the love of your life she will come back

[@roshalllambert]

This was an interesting video and I kind of guessed the betrayal story and I loved the reframe for that point!

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@JamesTrouten-gf1zm]

Good job that's what it takes to get your self to be come a better person for self and relationships to live a satisfying life 💖

[@boitumelomthembu1706]

I usef to tell number one until spending years with my ex fiance then stopped doing that . Then number 2 is what I did at the start then I started communicating my needs but then they were not met anyway until years after . Then number 3 was what I have alwayd believed even after we were engaged .. With number four it did happen like him trying to cheat three times 😢😢😢😢 I never could ever forgive . Even after trying to work on itI could not forgive nor could he validate my emotions at all . But working on these will help me love openly without feeling afriad all the time .

[@howtosober]

Oof. I would literally rather stay single for the rest of my life than get stuck with yet another DA, narcissist, or just generally one-sided relationship again. If someone is not ADDING to my life, they're SUBTRACTING. I'd much rather self-regulate than have to depend on anyone to co-regulate. I have animals to co-regulate with! And animals don't use you up and then discard you. RE: #2, I speak about what I need, I just have attracted people that don't care about what I need because they're too preoccupied with their own.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I definitely have a desire to meet a friend who has a mind and heart similar to Thais's someday. I feel like this is a natural longing that is at the top of life's list. So thankfull to have you to listen to though. I Can't even explain why, it's something like a natural occurrence that I'm greatful it happened .

[@askastarseed8138]

Have you ever heard of the Gene keys Thias 😍😍😍 you are so intelligent you would LOVE it

[@alirh1145]

thank you somuch Thais this is really helpful

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome!

[@Rubyjudesilva0505]

You got me at the first lie 😂😂 painfully accurate😅

[@IanRoyball128]

❤️ good morning

[@Juniperberrie25]

It would be great to have a video or get some insight on why a lot (not all) FAs struggle to be single. I am not FA but most of my friends are and I see that they move from relationship to relationship very quickly - sometimes it’s a matter of days, and they also seem to keep other options (who they refer to as ‘friends’) close by, in case their current situation doesn’t work out. I used to think there was something wrong with me when I compared myself because I always need time to process a break up. Then I realised it’s likely to be an avoidant thing

[@mesCheerios]

Don't assume it's an FA thing just because of your friends though, probably need a bigger sample of data than that. Could just be something to do with the culture in your location or could be seeing their friends always in a relationship makes them want to be like them?

[@Juniperberrie25]

@@mesCheerios what I meant was, I see it in my friends who are FA. Not that all my friends are FA. I asked the question because Thais has previously said that sometimes FAs feel ‘safer’ to process their hurts from a past relationship only when they’re in a new relationship; or they use a new relationship to avoid sitting with their feelings, hence I was curious to see a video/get more insight in it as I don’t believe she has full videos on it

[@Locut0s]

I can only speculate because I’m an FA who has almost never been in a relationship. But almost my entire adult life has been consumed with this idea that I want to be in one lol. I think FAs in general, whether they are actively in and out of relationships or struggle to ever be in one, the common thread is they desperately feel like they want that connection even if they don’t know how to go about healthily getting it or sustaining it. So I suspect some like me unhealthily pine and orbit from a lonely distance wallowing in misery of our own creation. Or others have a huge amount of drama bouncing in and out of relationships also in misery of their own creation. But I suspect both are about the irony of their hyper “independence” actually masking a form of hyper dependency and a feeling like they need love to save or heal their wounds.

[@StudioSGS]

​@@Locut0s oof, speaking facts...

[@psi23k]

​@Locut0s yep. Definitely agree. Also I'm an fa and been single for near 6 years. I have just been deactivated and a relationship was the last thing on my mind.

[@karenKristal]

Im FA and I never have any relationships

[@Jamy528]

This was really good. 💜

[@idykhan1926]

If a partner of an FA behaves the way you describe they should, the FA loses attraction

[@katymello3547]

This is very accurate

[@ashton1952]

Then the attraction is being generated from a wound maybe?

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

@@ashton1952maybe the loss of attraction, is generated from a wound, or maybe both? FA subconscious comfort is chaos, instability, no winning.

[@BigKatz]

…..no we respect a confident person who speaks up. Just also need novelty and a degree of randomness. We beat ourselves up and are confused a lot; attraction can be regained as fast as it was lost. Don’t shy from hard talk and hand gestures we can take it better than quiet butthurt or passive resignation. I grew up in a madhouse, no kid chooses to be traumatized & parentified.

[@ashton1952]

@@idykhan1926 you explain it well, it's sad that some people are just caught in that

[@psi23k]

I wonder if there is a correlation between someones attachment style and their personality type??

[@carrievaleriaalvarez2198]

To what extent do these ingrained beliefs (especially 'everyone will leave/betray me') become self-fulfilling prophecies? And, to the extent that they do self-fulfill, by what mechanism does this come about? Is it a form of self-sabotaging?

[@DarkShadowBlackz18]

I dated an FA I loved her with all my heart and was always there for her she held hands at a party with this guy to upset me and when she was drunk she shoved me and told me to fuck off and go away then started sobbing uncontrollably and said she was a bad person she told me goodbye with tears down her face and broke up with me the next day she also lied and told everyone we knew I beat her up.we hung once or twice afterwards kissed alittle bit but that’s it.I never confronted her about the lies it wasn’t the same afterwards there was an even bigger wall and she shut me out. I just don’t know why she would make up so many lies about me doesn’t she feel bad? She betrayed me I feel like hanging out with me and giving me a few more times to see her was her way of saying goodbye and giving me closure.

[@julielaw6488]

As an FA, I would say she sabotaged the relationship unconsciously as she fears being too close and pushing you away intentionally subconsciously

[@DarkShadowBlackz18]

@@julielaw6488 thank you for taking time out of your day to try and give me some insight on the situation.

[@blueaqua2122]

Isn't #3 true though?

[@littledevil8146]

only if you keep choosing unrelable people

[@coconutwater4531]

Seriously. It’s hard to heal and have hope when you keep getting discarded

[@blueaqua2122]

@@littledevil8146 It has nothing to do with who you choose. All people leave at some point. Someone dying is them leaving. Even in a less extreme example, you can't control whether someone leaves a relationship with you.

[@blueaqua2122]

@@coconutwater4531 I hear you and hope things change for the better ❤.

[@littledevil8146]

@@blueaqua2122 say it to couples who live till the end together. Unfortunately, they are minority. Because most people aren't looking for their soulmates. They fall for love bombing, for highs and lows, for "wow they are so mysterious", consequences are obvious. About someone is dying - I agree, that's something we can't change, but that's definitely not a reason to be avoidant, by this logic we can't enjoy anything in life, just sit and wait for death.

[@joephelan57]

Hi

[@alisoncanty1894]

Can you have a mixture of being partly FA/partly anxiously attached?

[@Juniperberrie25]

This is FA. the F in FA relates to the anxious/fearful side and the A stands for avoidant which is the more avoidant side. If you are a mixture of FA and anxious then you would just be considered FA.

[@jain3484]

😅

[@falconwings1037]

These are all huge generilisations. Not every FA fits neatly into a box