Finding My Feelings

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[@mudkip_btw]

I'm in a difficult place rn where dysphoria is slowly taking over and I don't yet know how to deal with it since I never acknowledged it in the first place :/ It's manageable when I'm feeling well but when I'm down or had alcohol (like now), it's quite bad. Hearing you helped me relax and take a step back. It will get better I'm sure. Thanks Bryn💜

[@brynavery]

I’m sorry it’s been so difficult for you. I hope you’re able to get the care you need, and I’m glad to hear my video is a place of comfort for you. Much love 💕

[@mudkip_btw]

@@brynavery It got better indeed :) dysphoria is still there but manageable and I'm taking steps to get rid of some soon. Already feeling more like myself again. In any case tysm for what you do💜💜

[@riverchampeimont]

Thank you for your honesty in sharing all of this. It's normal to acknowledge our feelings and that things can be hard. It's very interesting for me to see your path from identifying as non binary and then identifying as a woman (possibly in addition to some form of non binaryness). I'm on a similar path too.

[@brynavery]

Thank you! I’m really glad my story is interesting to you (and so many others). I try to be as honest and authentic as I can. I think that’s the best way to heal and grow.

[@MiddleAgedMartianDog]

Oof I felt that active decision as a small child to disassociate and be analytical to escape the trauma and constant distress. As an adult my alexithymia got so bad I couldn’t even tell if I was happy or sad.

[@michaeleberl2222]

I totally get that about not knowing just how much an area of dysphoria is effecting me until I do something to solve it. That's how every step of transition has been for me. At first it's like "eh, maybe I can live with this", but then after solving an issue I'm like "oh my god, how did I put up with that for so long! No wonder I was miserable". Now I'm just really hoping I can get lazer hair removal for my face one day. I can barely pay my bills, but I HAVE to figure something out. It's just effecting me way way too much. Anyway, end of story time. Haha. Love hearing from you as always. Also, I love your hair!

[@brynavery]

Yup, that’s exactly how it is for me! As for laser hair removal I’d try looking into at home lasers if you’re on a budget. They’re still kind of costly (maybe a few hundred dollars), but definitely cheaper than getting 6+ rounds of laser by a professional. I’ve known a few trans people that have used them and said they have good results. You could even ask in the r/trans subreddit which brands are best, I’m sure a lot of people there would have some good insight 🙂 and thank you for the compliment about my hair!! 💕

[@mysterioso2006]

13:07 i felt this so hard......the pain that our parents inflict on us runs deep...but we deserve happiness 😥

[@brynavery]

So sorry you went through that as well. I hope you’re able to heal 💛

[@mysterioso2006]

@@brynavery its a slow process that happens day by day. im gettin there!

[@hannahroedder936]

Such variety, so many ways to think and be. I am definitely not, and never was, a man, but am not a woman, or enby. I'm just trans-feminine. I'm me. 🖤🤍💜

[@brynavery]

I love that 💛

[@IridiumSnow]

I've found that I am able to relate with your experience of gender in a way that I haven't with other trans feminin people so thank you for sharing your experience it makes such a difference in people lives.

[@znswanderer]

It’s always a pleasant surprise when you post a new video! So good to see, that you are doing well! Yes, it’s hard to learn to let negative emotions just be. Without searching for a reason or a solution. It’s something I also trying to get better at. I have always been a people pleaser and never could handle silence when I met people. Always trying to diffuse the awkward silence with the silliest joke.

[@charlieb6210]

i really appreciate your sharing your process as you work through these thoughts and emotions. it’s especially hard when we don’t have a good vocabulary to describe these as they relate to gender. ❤

[@brynavery]

I’m happy you appreciate my content 💛

[@user-sd2hx9uu1u]

Thanks for this, Brynn! This was helpful for me. I was just thinking about you, yesterday. So, I was delightfully surprised to see you post!

[@brynavery]

That makes me so happy to hear, glad my videos help you 💛

[@mysterioso2006]

im a trans woman who has never even considered bottom surgery or had bottom dysphoria :o thank u so much for sharing ur thoughts with us! also ur extremely cute omg

[@brynavery]

Thank you!! 💛 I’m glad you don’t have to deal with bottom dysphoria! It’s not fun lol 😅

[@mysterioso2006]

@@brynavery ohhhh trust me i just have different things to overthink and obsess over kdjfoiwejf good luck on ur journey!!

[@jaynalerta]

Thank you again Brynn i'm at home and try to do a self care evening. And to watsch your Video is what i really want to do. It's always a big Inspiration. So i do this self care evening to work on me to learn to love me, and hear you say you love yourself is so beutiful to hear. You love you with all this struggle with all this emotions and that's very beautiful

[@brynavery]

Taking care of yourself is so important, I’m glad you’ve taken time to self-care. Best of luck with bottom surgery, hope it all goes well 💛

[@agapewithadot]

Really glad to see you back making videos Brynn! So much of what you said has really resonated with me. Especially talking about intellectualizing your emotions and dissociating as well as like being insecure about your transness. As someone who’s transfem and genderqueer, and pre hormones, I’ve struggled a lot because of my bottom dysphoria and also growing up in a religious household w/ rigid gender roles.

[@brynavery]

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. It’s hard growing up with such a rigid view, especially as a gender non conforming person. I hope you’re able to work through what you need to, and are able to get any gender affirming care you need. You deserve to be happy and have support 💕

[@Rhyswithoutherspoon]

Your videos have always been very affirming for me. You opening up and sharing your story has helped me really in my transition. It's so beautiful to see you living so authentically. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

[@brynavery]

Thank you 💕 I’m glad my experience/journey has had a positive impact on you 💕

[@raphlvlogs271]

I also use weed as a means of escapism from reality and weed addiction or dependancy is also highly subjective depending on the context your in

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Brynn, your message was really uplifting and encouraging ^_^ i appreciate the deep and genuine perspective you shared. Hearing stories like this really fortifies my faith in the human society ❤ Always stay true to yourself and god bless the universe 🌌 peace ✌ on earth 🌎 🙏

[@brynavery]

Thank you so much 💛

[@DrJaneLuciferian]

In my early years of transition I experienced quite a lot of internalized transphobia. I didn't even know what internalized transphobia was, and only in recent years have I come to terms with these early feels. I wanted nothing to do this the trans community and I desperately wanted to be seen as a cis woman. Once I realized I was struggling with this internalized transphobia, and got deeply involved with the trans community on twitter I've completely turn my own thinking around. Now I'm deeply politically involved in the fight for trans rights, and I have come to love my transness to the point where I'm glad I'm not cis. I've been following your vids since before your bottom surgery and I love how open and honest you are. There never are any final answers in life and being trans is far more a process than a destination, and it's always great to share in your journey to self-realization, Brynn. Thanks for another great vidoes, and thanks for sharing :^)

[@leesanderson6885]

She took awaybthe things that made you happy! So pleased gor you now. Beautiful lady xx

[@brynavery]

Thank you 💛

[@julesrayne]

Hi Brynn. Thanks for posting! It's always good to see a new video from you!

[@brynavery]

Aw thank you! 💛

[@christinahamiltonracing]

It's great to hear an update again and that you're doing well 💜 I love the earrings btw!

[@brynavery]

Thank you!! 💛

[@davefitzgerald5334]

I'm non binary too. On the Pension, age 66. Marisa from Ireland.

[@brynavery]

💛

[@dawnslack5515]

Bryyyyynn! My fave!

[@brynavery]

💕

[@AbbyKuusisto-cl7lr]

​@@brynaveryI've Missed You!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@lovecraftkingpoeJohnnn]

I know an interesting story about you from that time you dated that married woman back in 2019! Should make a video on it!

[@brynavery]

lol how do you know about that? 😅 I’ve thought of making a video about it (my relationship with her was one of the most significant relationships I’ve had) but I’m not sure her ex husband or her would want the dynamics of their marriage publicized, which is why I haven’t spoken much about it, and what I have said has been pretty vague.

[@avatarname0008]

Hope youre doing good would love to hear more from you whenever youre game for it

[@avatarname0008]

Interesting thank you for sharing hope you have a wonderful day too

[@brynavery]

Thank you 💛

[@Gettothegone]

❤

[@brynavery]

💛

[@thomaszermpoulis1280]

so cute 🌹

[@brynavery]

Thank you 💛

[@HAMAZA-x7d]

❤️‍🔥💯

[@brynavery]

💛

[@gonnfishy2987]

🙂

[@brynavery]

💛

[@gonnfishy2987]

@@brynavery I'm back here watching your video again because I have missed feeling current with your situation. How are you getting on in life? What has changed? I have a very large place in my heart for you, my own sexuality and evolution is markedly alike to yours (asexual? lesbian? Butch? soft butch? Just giving up ? lol. the whole dressing/hats thing lol how superficial)

[@brynavery]

That’s so sweet, thank you for reaching out. Life is decent, been pretty busy this past month. In terms of gender/sexuality, I still consider myself to be a lesbian. I’ve lowered my use of words like butch or femme just because I feel constricted sometimes when I put those labels on myself. But I do like the term tomboy a lot. I feel like there’s a decent range with that term and it fits me pretty well. Plus it’s something that’s easily understood by most people. I’ve been letting my hair grow out and been using clips & hair pins, instead of the hats I used to wear all the time, and my current “look” is wearing legging shorts with a crop top and a large flannel and sneakers. As far as attraction goes, like I said, I still consider myself to be a lesbian. I started dating someone in November, and we broke up for a small time (I think I mentioned them either in this video or in the last one), because I had to figure out some stuff about my sexuality (they’re non-binary and polyamorous, so I had to figure out if I felt comfortable in that dynamic). I think I’ve found more comfort in (most) labels as gentle descriptors rather than a solid identity. I’ve been feeling more in tune with myself and more secure in myself. And my partner has been really supportive in helping me see things in more of a fluid/boundless way (they’re a very fluid individual). It’s been really wonderful having them in my life, I feel like we both help each other be more of ourselves. I’m hoping to make another video at some point, but don’t have anything specific in mind. Usually when I make a video, the idea comes to me a few days before I film. If I try to force a video it never turns out right lol. Thank you again for checking in, it made my day 💕

[@gonnfishy2987]

@@brynavery OMG i have lost this reply 2x already thru misclicking, and it's EPIC length, so I'm going to summarise it which is going to seem robotic but hope you understand 1. Connecting w/you and your reply has brightened my day! 2. I leaned heavily into 'tomboy' id in my early 20s, I did not acknowledge any femininity in myself and it icked me. 3. lgbt scene was 'ok' and a welcoming safe space, and for learning 'people', but I got sick of the 'lifestyle' which it entailed (trading lovers like cards in a game of poker, also the huge stereotypes enforced around late 90s early 2000s) 4. Divorced myself from the scene and then shockingly, noticed that people were responding to my femininity IN SPITE of my tomboy id and it caused me to gradually integrate that part 5. I did go through a bdsm stage/collaring before that though, I found that going to parties and playing with 'strangers', being still not openly feminine helped keep me safer from unwanted involvements 6. Anyway, it's been one hell of a life and I've grown into my balanced self far, far too late but still it's like FREEDOM! :D (eh, I'm not like OLD, just yanno, would have liked to not be so resistant to being softer and more femme) 7. You just remind me so much of me back when I was your age, even down to the caps, 'id' .... :D it's like watching someone and feeling like i'm connecting w/you even though we probably have very different lives CHEERS Xx catchya

[@gonnfishy2987]

@@brynavery oh .. yeah... there was one vid I saw where your hair was longer and more burgundy/red and I got OMG she's found the femme vibes! lol maybe maybe not, but I have always had a fondness for 'girly' hair clips and pins, despite just not feeling it was congruent with who I felt I was at the time. Our sexuality and presentation is mutable, it all comes down to you doing you, and being in the place you feel suits you best. (: sorry if this is too personal but your id / tomboy suits you perfectly, for now anyway, I would feel a loss if you softened out lol. You're attractive. You've got the right id for your presentation ❤

[@susanmargaretwills6432]

Hi Brynn nice to hear ur voice again... i didn't understand a blind thing 'bout trans-mammas or about ur philosofies on existance but ur a nice bloke - now THERE'S an old-fashioned English word for u (meaning a man, probably working-class & "Salt-of-the-Earth" type person) oh yeah & also a bloke is masculine & possibly rugged-looking🤣 Ha-Ha however I like ur looks as they are mate!.. It's funny isn't it how a boy must not be effeminate, but however for a girl , showing boyish traits is not so bad... I was a right Tom-Boy (2 older brothers) & wanted to be a cowboy 🤠, but on hitting adolescence I turned boy-mad lol Glad to see u r keeping well on all fronts. Ciao from Italy where we have just voted AGAINST an Act of the EUROPEAN Parliament which will offer less discrimination of the LGBTIQ+ Community (I say "will" coz only 9 nations out of 29 voted this way); along with Italy the others voting against r from the ex-Soviet Union nations such as Czech Republic etc - most Italians didn't expect our reppresentatives to vote this way seeing as Italy is an extremely democratic country & altho it's head of the Catholic Church Same-Sex Marriage is legal (+ adoption) & there is little harrassment of "different" sexually-orientated folk PS don't suppose u Yanks even know where Europe is😂

[@Gettothegone]

Where are you located? I would love to meet up. I’m in Pennsylvania

[@brynavery]

Where in PA? I grew up in Harrisburg, but I live in Baltimore now 🙂

[@Gettothegone]

@@brynavery I’m in Carbon county (Lehighton). I lived in Mechanicsburg for about a year so I’m familiar with that area

[@scarba]

How is your cystic fibrosis at the moment? You seem to cough less. Do you have diabetes type three?

[@brynavery]

Thank you for asking! My cf has been stable now for a while. It’s been about 2 years since I last needed IV antibiotics (I used to go on them like every other month back when I was really sick). My lung function is still low (between 40 and 50%) because of all the scar tissue I’ve accumulated over the years. And I’m still on disability. I’m not sure if I have CF related diabetes.. my blood sugars are definitely a little high, but nothing that seems concerning to me. But I’m not sure what my doctors think, I still have to schedule a follow up visit with them. Thank you for checking in 💛

[@scarba]

@@brynavery I’m always interested in your health updates. You seem much stronger, and a healthier weight. Do you test your blood sugar? Anything above 120 is not good for you. Can damage your eyes and kidneys and block your veins with tiny sharp sugar crystals. I have chronic diseases myself including multiple sclerosis and I had a young woman next to me in hospital once also with cf and she had type three diabetes and I just thought maybe everybody with cf got it but wasn’t sure. Hope you are doing your inhalation regimen regularly. Great your medication seems to be working well. With any luck there will be even better medication on the horizon. I’ve subscribed now because I had been wondering how you were for a while and forgot your name but luckily the algorithm brought you back to me. I’m not interested in the gender thing, I’m 55 so I’m not your target audience but I think you are a lovely person. Best wishes to you from Germany 🇩🇪

[@brynavery]

@scarba I did a glucose test a little while ago and I think it was 127? I can’t quite remember. I know it was a little high but not terribly high. I have to schedule a follow up though to discuss treatment

[@brynavery]

@scarba thank you for your kindness 💛 I think about 50% of people with CF get diabetes, but it may be different now because of Trikafta (a new med that came out in 2019 that’s incredibly effective). I hope your illnesses are under control. Much love 💛

[@jamellehearn1389]

You are so cute

[@brynavery]

Omg thank you! ☺️

[@jamellehearn1389]

@@brynavery you are so welcome cutie

[@jakepiccolo3314]

X?

[@brynavery]

Huh? Lol

[@catoboros]

Thank you, Brynn. I made it to the end! ❤🏳‍⚧ This one hit home for me. I am a survivor of parental narcissistic abuse and was raised to believe that emotions are a sign of weakness. I have lived my life detached from my feelings and avoiding human connections because of my crippling fear of rejection. It sounds like you have had similar experiences. So glad to hear that you are healing from them! ❤