Finding "The One" - Esther Perel

"How do I know when I've found The One?" - Austin, Baltimore, MD
This idea of finding "The One" is problematic for relationships. The paradox of choice creates a real sense of anxiety for people looking to find a long-term partner. The expectations of this one person to satisfy all of our many emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is a tall order for one individual.
Perhaps, instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with. And there are no perfect stories.
--
For more relational resources from Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com.

[@basicbase749]

and that's why I love this quote "The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other. "- Osho

[@ayaaly2866]

Wow I loved it 👏👌

[@robontube12]

I really do like your comment!

[@robontube12]

@Marten Dekker When you learn to be a bit more polite you may understand what Mansi is really talking about! Not beeing afraid of losing somebody may help not to lose that somebody!

[@robontube12]

@Marten Dekker OK then (?). All the best to you!

[@zeroounce8874]

So true. First of all you have to have good relationship with yourself, love yourself and connect to your inner being so you will be able to understand love.

[@GabrielKerr]

This is the clearest and most sound advice you could possibly get on the internet about dating advice. Unbelievable.

[@kahsatan]

Have just discovered her... She is phenomenal!

[@nait51]

I believe her outlook is more European so of course relationship management take a whole new level, away from the Christian background (or any religion for that matter) so not everything is about family duty, the burden is not all on men to sustain a forever relationship, temptation is addressed matter of factly. Anyway if you take away the guilt then you can really start sound reflexion...

[@GothPopTV]

Gabriel Kerr She has extensive background in psychotherapy. Watch out for quacks like Brian Nox

[@mauia88]

@@nait51 As an American and a Christian, her viewpoints speak to me and I'm certain others in America greatly. I don't feel any sort of European influence. She has travelled the world and has worked with couples from many areas, as she once shared in a TEDTalk. I think she understands all of the west in general. Everything she says resonates with not just my relationships but those of others I know as well.

[@rosselliott3971]

i could not have said it better myself .absolutely perfect i agree 100%

[@elysia4982]

"There is not one person who can give us everything."

[@samahamara8543]

She said it's possible

[@joanclawford8964]

True. The rest you give to yourself..

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

Don't expect anyone to give you everything.

[@tiffanymendoza9329]

But I have been in situations where they took everything..

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

@@tiffanymendoza9329 That's your fault. Thinking that their happiness was more important than yours. Stop. Your happiness comes first. Practice #selfesteem #selflove

[@AamirAalamShah]

every couple has issues-- the questions is which issues you wanna deal with, you pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues. well said.

[@oscarwilde9581]

I agree 100%. I kept explaining this to my ex when she asked if our relationship was ideal, normal, etc. and I just said "everyone is different. It's up to us if we feel this version of love makes us happy." In our case breaking up was the better choice, but I blame that largely on her inability to be content with how we were, instead constantly comparing things to a fictional ideal.

[@mauia88]

@@oscarwilde9581 Very good additional thought!

[@MichL_71]

100% what I've always thought. 🙌

[@Rasha.Al.Shihabi]

So much clarity coming behind these words 👌🏻👌🏻

[@lolaispure4296]

WISDOM

[@NA-mh3uf]

I knew my husband was the one because when I was around him, I felt sooo calm and at peace, I was content even if we were just doing nothing ❤️ 11 years later and he’s still the one and I’m more in love w him today then I have ever been.

[@busyshah]

Exactly the point she is trying to make here. Perhaps you did not have the modern list of entitlements in the name of love 11 years ago. Btw, may you both have a life of love in abundance and you don't get destroyed by modern definitions and false expectations.

[@sallyrile7601]

wow. Do u work on the relationship..as they say now..

[@maam-yj8ph]

Honestly I agree that I would rather have someone who calms me down than someone who stirs up butterflies and sets things on fire.

[@yzma6142]

I love this

[@SaystheTruth3]

Lol!

[@pearlmcj]

This makes me think about a wonderful line from The Good Place: “You don’t find your soul mate. You choose your soul mate.” The person who is “The One” for you is going to be the person who wants to face this crazy thing called life with you, through all the ups and downs. They’ll be the person who chooses you, and who you choose.

[@fredfred-kt9vw]

And sometimes that soulmate does not have to be in a romantic relationship with you. Friends can be soulmates too and you can choose to go through life together.

[@lexie02jones25]

True

[@catalinasandino2037]

ONLY BODY NEEDS A MATE,SOUL IS COMPLETE BY ITSELF

[@celizxo4246]

What if there’s multiple people like this? How do we choose?

[@sethtenrec]

@@celizxo4246 unless you’re talking about romance, there’s no need to choose. You can have as many friends as you like.

[@elysia4982]

"Every couple has issues. The only question is which issues you want to deal with. You pick this person, you'll deal with these issues. You pick that person, you'll deal with other issues."

[@therearenoshortcuts9868]

if you really pick the wrong person you will also deal with Tissues

[@monicatoro2286]

The last guy I dated thought I was “the one” for him. Trying to meet his expectations made me physically sick. I loved him but I felt too much pressure on me; I wasn’t happy, but I loved him and wanted to make him happy by being with him and being perfect for him. Of course, if you’re not happy everything will be just worst and worst. Don’t look for “the one” please, look for a person you want to take care of and who you feel is like your best friend.

[@hgzmatt]

I think you are right.. both partners need to have that mindset. It's actually unfair to ask everything of your partner.. they will never be able to provide. We can ask the other person to grow alongside us but we can't demand anything specific. And don't give up when it doesn't play out like a perfect fairy tale.

[@stephelisabeth3143]

The other piece of this is there really are multiple people out there for us, not just one. I think that's the main thing I dislike about the term. There are at least a handful of people if not more who are compatible enough with us that we could make it work if both parties are invested and want to. The term "the one" just romanticizes it all too much and I think also encourages us to make decisions about partnerships purely in regards to how someone makes us feel while simultaneously ignoring whether or not we are actually compatible with them. Chemistry is not compatibility.

[@PrincessCallea]

@@stephelisabeth3143 Wow, very well said. I could not agree more. Also about how chemistry does not equal compatibility - I feel like more people need to know and understand this.

[@Mushroom321-]

@@stephelisabeth3143 shared values, interests etc. Are ..

[@lrla8657]

I started dating someone who said I was his soulmate. Thing is, I feel the same way. It’s like I’ve always been with him. Me, the eternal skeptic! The one who said I was going to be alone forever. Who said they were happy for friends who ‘found love’ but secretly was jealous. He said he’s been waiting for me. And I’ve been waiting for him. I feel dopey saying it but it sure does feel good. And I don’t even want to say anything negative because it really feels right. 😍

[@peipeiguo3169]

She is so intelligent! You pick this person, you deal with this issues, you pick the other person, you deal with the other issues. It is so true.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Peipei Guo,hope you are in a good relationship cause you are too precious!

[@paradiseheaven]

I love this woman. Speaks the truth

[@SOliveira2010]

❤

[@natashakuzmanoska9656]

When i was 17, I've asked my mother: How did you know that my father was THE ONE, when will I be sure that somebody is the one? My mother replied - When you DIE - in the meantime you will doubt yourself sometimes more, sometimes less. It was plain and simple and removed "the one" concept from my mind. I was expecting some story when I saw him the light shined....

[@mijuajua4820]

Wow…your mom was a wise woman 😊 I can’t stand when people say “you’ll know” “you’ll never have any doubts” BS! Your mom was right on target with her advice to you😊

[@coppersense999]

She's exactly right. No other person can give us the inner validation we need. We must know and love ourselves fiest, the way our Creator designed, before we can love another out of the overflow.

[@davidminj1]

the answer is become love and sharit people. it is the answer in simplest words

[@RealLadi228]

Hello Be emotionally available for ourselves when its necessary which is more than not... creating our own individual balance. Being free is what freedom is all about this gives us a peaceful existence.

[@giovannimoralescamacho2076]

Lovedy your commentary. Thanks!!!

[@giovannimoralescamacho2076]

Still... Great comment

[@paulrutkovskis]

Beautifully said

[@nf4692]

i am the one for me. done deal. 😂

[@pikabamboo4175]

,😂😂😂😂lmaaooo

[@DianahernandezV]

Shiiiii lol

[@justinajones3000]

n f: Hey, me, too. lol (:

[@adeleforgey1872]

Thats Narsastitic😀

[@ReginaYe]

Well said

[@sf5823]

It's a bit unrealistic to expect someone to be meet all their needs lol...relationships are not like that at all, that's why we need to provide that for ourselves. Shared values, interests and attraction is incredibly important...I love how she puts all this information together, she's not only a realist but a very wise woman who explores the topic in a way that is illuminating, I like this woman, she's smart!

[@mayacornwell7291]

hard one to find our life partner isn't it? i hopemy boyfriend is the ONE but hard to say and consider now . sometimes it's hard sometimes not especially when we use grreat natural spanish fly which i got form my best friend chloe. really 5 drops that all it takes

[@markholden6947]

i wanted to surprise my wife and bought for myself these natural aphrodisiacs spanish fly . and yeah just 5 drops and everything is pretty awesome

[@tel5690]

bam...she broke it down....Love Esther

[@kambebradley8675]

You are the One you are looking for...deep divine inner connection💛💛🌸

[@mariaknez3477]

@@kambebradley8675 Yes but that source is the same for everyone and you still need your Ideal part... Don't you think so?

[@kambebradley8675]

Maria Knez Depends on how one defines IDEAL....there’s no ‘wrong ‘ or ‘right’, if we all being authentic and communicating ...and still choosing to create a journey together

[@mariaknez3477]

@@kambebradley8675 That attitude is proactive and harmonical in a way that may be called ideal. 😊 Especially when a journey is through the "deep divine inner connection", as you said before. 🌻

[@parisaarttherapy1979]

The one is the person who being with him or her doesn't require you to change. The connection is effortless and you are at peace with yourself in this relationship. Old saying is the relationship brings the best out of you.

[@ncp5957]

Thank you

[@raymondotoole2600]

I think this is false. When entering a relationship you educate yourself when experiencing it which means you evolve and evolution is change. Change for the good of course but if it’s a negative change you’re on about then you’d be correct

[@finding.gemstones]

0:15 the idea of the one & choice 0:49 what does the concept of "the one" mean? 1:23 the one being phenomenal 1:47 the wish-list / community vs. partnership 2:46 Esther's message 3:06 how to define the idea of "the ONE" new 3:31 "write a story together"

[@mauia88]

The video is the same amount of time as a song. There's no need to cut it down. The whole message should be heard in its entirety.

[@mariaknez3477]

@@mauia88 Interesting! Do you have a poem? 😉

[@ilikepizza5741]

This was completely unnecessary. Whose attention span is less than 4 minutes?

[@robn2171]

This moron broke down a 4 minute video.

[@bwbs98]

"I want with you, basically, I would normally get from an entire community" such a true statement about modern dating! It goes to show that even a seemingly unrelated issue like 'dating' hasn't escaped the break down of community

[@taytayl3866]

Yes!!! I say this too- everybody has issues, you just have to decide what kind of issues you are most willing to tolerate. Simple. Great video Esther, thanks :)

[@pmlover1810]

I just discovered you on a TED talk episode, and I can't tell you how much I admire your wisdom, honesty, and wonderful humor. I dream of being your research assistant one day. These difficult topics are fascinating to me because they reveal how frail we are and how much the deck is stacked against us the moment we are born. What you are doing, sharing your insights , help shine a light, is the kind of humanitarian endeavor that is very much needed right now in our world.

[@Stumpybear7640]

PM Lover I act agree with you that the deck is stacked against us since birth. I dont think life is 'hard', but that life is a learning experience. Xxx

[@sethtenrec]

As animals , we’re not made for this modern world that we created.

[@Bre_Inspired_]

Straight truth, no chaser!

[@AvaniVee]

I've heard Ester a few times now and I've really tried to embrace her way of thinking, but I can't help but feel having listened to her carefully that she is a proponent of keeping the idea going that humans have to be in a relationship - or relationships - in order to survive. This notion is archaic. The problem is that society does not teach people how to deal with life or let alone live life. Society operates by large within a framework of unrealistic conditions and expectations - you're born, you grow up, get a degree, get married, have children, and retire. That's the basic life template and most people are living that life - but are they REALLY happy? Nope. Because they haven't learnt how to deal with the curve balls life throws at them, and they carry that baggage into their relationships. You haven't found the tools to help you deal with the heaviness of life. You can't constantly look at others to help you or point you in the right direction. I think it is unfair to expect someone else to solve your problems. At some point, you need to stop and figure stuff out for yourself. Finding a partner is the worse thing you can do when you're not in the correct headspace. These are things nobody tells you, you only find out when you end up in a relationship with someone who is slightly unhinged. I wish people would realise that you have choices in life. You don't always have to be in a relationship. Learn to spend time with yourself and discover who you are, instead of waiting hand and foot on somebody else to make you feel better about yourself. If you believe someone makes you happy, then they can make you unhappy. If someone can fall in love with you, then they can fall out of love with you too. That's the natural order of life. But people do not know how to deal with some of those harsh realities that are often experienced in relationships. Sometimes people elongate their relationship, when really it's time to let go. It's finding that balance of knowing when to stay or go. There is freedom in loving and taking care of yourself without being dependent on someone. Be in a relationship that compliments who you are as a person, that accepts you for who you are and allows you to flourish. If you're in a relationship where the person is constantly asking for compliments, pouring their problems onto you and expecting you to fix everything, and when you can't fix it, they blame you for not caring enough or being enough for them. The question then is - 'was that worth it?'. Get out of that relationship, it's not a good place to be. All this emphasis on relationships and connections and the human condition. The longest relationship you will ever have with anybody is yourself - learn to appreciate and enjoy that - and choose carefully who you give your time, wisdom and love to!!!

[@lolmeeky]

I get what you’re saying, and do believe media needs to focus more on our personal relationships with ourselves and how that will lead to true happiness with others. But i disagree, the notion of human relationships as necessity is not archaic. We are social creatures. i think Ester knows this and I believe a low level theme of this video is that “you have to be secure with yourself to realize one person cannot be your everything.” Also keeping in mind Esther’s expertise is in relationships, she’s not a life coach. The fact that she’s helping people with relationships doesn’t equate to her saying “you must be in a relationship”. She literally never said that.

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

@@lolmeeky yeah you are open minded beacuse you said you have ti be sucure with yourself to realiz one person cannot be everything

[@AvaniVee]

@@lolmeeky Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Fair enough. This is where Esther is massively contradicting herself - or she's completely missing the point. To be secure in yourself actually means self discovery. If you want to be secure in your relationship, then you have to do the background work on your own, which she clearly is opposed to - asking the ultimate question 'Who Am I'. Then her advise or therapy becomes invalid because she doesn't have a tangible solution. Lowering your expectations of each other isn't going to help you or your partner from feeling less insecure than when you started the relationship, because by that point, the damage has already been done - you've let each other down from not meeting your high expectations. The reality is people form relationships when they're already feeling insecure - low self confidence / trust issues - because they haven't found or developed the tools to make them secure, so they are searching for that in their relationship. You carry those heavy bags of insecurity into the relationship and weigh it down. For centuries societies have been led to believe that relationships - marriage - provide you with love, wealth, prosperity, and security, so it's not surprising then that people expect their partners to provide them with a village. If that was actually true then divorce or break ups simply wouldn't happen. It's a false sense of narrative that is being sold. You cannot be secure in a relationship if you don't invest time in figuring out who you are for yourself. It is not up to your partner/spouse to define your self worth - you do that work on your own. Hence which is why I don't share her view because it doesn't make sense and it is an archaic way of thinking because these ideas have been passed down for generations - and Esther is not telling you anything different, new or even radical, it's the same stuff. If you want to be in a healthy relationship, then both partners have to realise there are other aspects to your being that also fulfil you - your work, your passions, your creativity - explore those things and that is when you will experience a richer and fuller relationship. Going on a journey of self discovery isn't about preparing how to be in a relationship, self discovery is about learning the essential skills and tools that guide you throughout your life - something that is exempt from education systems because the world is designed to make people feel insecure which these institutions such as marriage/relationships feed off of. A massive oversight on her part. Societies need to teach and value self-worth as much as they celebrate coupledom. The solution is for both of those things to coexist. It's true, you can't live your entire life on your own, but it's also true that you can't spend your entire life with someone either. Humans are complex beings, and life is about striking that balance of discovering who are you to have more meaning in your relationships without compromising yourself/who you are in the process.

[@DASSANTAMARIA]

I think a relationship must not interfer in a big way in the search of happiness of the individual. The problem comes when people says: Ideal Relationship=Happiness Therefore: Ideal Partner=Happiness Then we found ourselves looking for somebody that fix us and our lives. That, like chasing the treasure at the end of the rainbow, it's another illusion

[@PropertyVlogsUK]

That's so true!

[@natashamartinez1739]

Be everything for yourself Always!!!

[@SchramJavelin]

That make sense, Esther. I never could have described the One who crossed my path. When I found the One, I didn’t define what he has to be. I loved the world he was, he felt so much the world I wanted in my world, he could meet me, where I wanted to be met, soul family, felt so familiar, he was committed, save, adventurous, spiritual, so much to learn from, exciting to be with. 32 years older, 1 month after we met, he almost died, wounded but open and brave,. We had a lot off challenges, but our bound made it possible. I felt very loved by him. My heart knew, he was the right one. And after 19 years single, he died in 2000, I call in a new world, one that merge with mine. My heart will know, sense, that he is the one that can meet me where I want to be met. Strong enough bounded to evolve, to take challenges, to have fun, to uplift, to give space, to be true, to navigate with each other,

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Javelin Schram,your story is heart touching ♥️

[@christianpulisic7784]

Javelin Schram,You deserve better,my dearest 🌹🌷🌺🙏🙏🙏

[@BarbaraMarieLouise]

Yes! That’s true! The description of „The One“ is more a description of God. And in order to have a healthy relationship one should never expect from the other one to be God but to love him in his qualities and his brokenness.

[@lexie02jones25]

Yes! Exactly 💯

[@mickelined5447]

So beautiful said ❤

[@TheJdellinger]

Traveled to approx. 50 countries after growing up in 🇺🇸 and she hits the nail on the head. Dated models etc. and learned that APPRECIATION is the key to happiness. Not what the TV would want you to believe. She explains much more, of course, on things of importance and she definitely has a full grasp of interpersonal relationships, chemistry etc. I would go on a date with her. Intelligence is extremely attractive IMO.

[@clausita]

Cool!

[@sosmcs]

Oh wow I listened to a lot of her podcasts, never thought she looked like this. Very beautiful.

[@Stumpybear7640]

Intense x

[@mz2288]

I love EVERY video I see on KZbin from Esther. She is super down to earth and provides intelligent insights into our relationships and modern behaviors. She is so humble but actually... she is the queen 👸! Just love her perspective. Thank you Esther, echt tof hoor!

[@sethtenrec]

Agree 1000% 👍👍👍

[@karadickson-hoffman9493]

The paradox of choice...and finding the one! Yes.... the paradox. Putting the pressure of meeting all our needs on one person is the worst ! I love that she explains this ❤

[@danecory1236]

I guess I’m the minority and am more fortunate than I realize because my wife fulfills everything I need in a human being and we’re going strong 6 years now and are more in love every year we are together. I’m definitely the guy that tells people not to settle and that special feeling of “this is the person I want to grow old with” 100% exists. I think this advice could steer people wrong who have not found a person that is truly right for them and be made to think their standards are simply too high and need to settle. I was told what I wanted in a partner didn’t exist and my wife was told the exact the same thing. We proved everybody wrong. If you’re in a hurry and want to have a family; if you’re tired of being alone and are okay with finding someone who is “good enough”- then this advice is sound. If you are willing to possibly die alone searching for someone to share your life with that is truly someone you nearly worship with the awe of what a precious human being they are, then this advice will lead to regret and sadness. Oh and by the way, you don’t need to have figured everything out and “found yourself” before meeting this person. I was an insecure mess when I met my now wife. You simply need to be willing to bare your soul. 🙏✌️

[@sethtenrec]

You may think that works for you, but that’s sh*t advice for people reading this. I could enumerate some of your psychological problems, but I’ll let you live them.

[@colibri4676]

I love love her wisdom!!! I listen to her every day while I drive to work! “Every person has issues what issues are you willing to deal with? “

[@australianguitarchannel4237]

Man, possibly the first crush I've ever had on a 60 year old.....lol

[@nickvtguitar546]

Esther Perel is amazing. Maybe she’s the one!

[@stephaniefortney22]

Absolutely Profound… Esther you nail reality, no one can be everything, it’s impossible. A relationship is a story that allows hiccups and editing, this is real life… if you can be alone and love yourself, you become the one you need, the one that can share life, not expecting the other to be your life, because you’re “the one” Esther, over the past few years I’ve listened to you, and continue to learn from you, you’re a breathe of fresh air, richly insightful and filled with great wisdom … thank you for taking the time you do to share with all of us, Grateful.

[@eessa1727]

'Shared values' is the key for strong relationships.

[@smeemira8225]

I used to date a looooot of men, go out like crazy, always looking for THE one. I even fell in love with some of the guys, or so I thought. Looking back, I must've been rather infatuated or attached but certainly not in love. How do I know that? Well, I'm happy now with my man, 12 years going strong and he couldn't be further from what I was looking for in a man - drama (superficially speaking). Crazy, right??! My husband, he is calm, he's always reassuring, he'd never raise his voice or have a temper with me, he always tells me everything and vice versa. We both believe in trust and friendship, first and foremost. We like to spent time with each other, even the lockdown has had no negative effect on us. On the other hand, we both enjoy our me-time, he loves to play computer games, I enjoy reading and music. But then, in the evenings we'd come back together and enjoy something together. And that is the most important thing ever. You know when you don't have to ask yourself all the time if he/she is the one. Loving someone is not knowing but doing. Being together and making the best of it. Nobody's perfect and no partner will ever be. Not me, not him. But together magic happens. Silently, without trumpets and crazy butterflies all the time :-) may you all find love!

[@linakeke]

You just described my dating history, as well as exactly the kind of relationship I want! So beautiful, and lovely to hear that it's out there, that you found it. 💛 And thank you for the well wishes- I hope we (single people and people in unharmonious relationships) find it too! ✨

[@smeemira8225]

You will, I'm certain. I simply had to give up the drama. I guess I've read too many books or so because I always expected a knight in shining armor. In reality, love appeared in form of a man that I felt attracted to but that I initially didn't put in the longterm category. Just because we're so different. I'm very outgoing and loud, I care very much about my reputation and looks, my image so to say. He's like from another galaxy. He's quiet and leaned back, he's not a people's person but rather prefers quiet evenings and solitude. At least, most of the time. But like I said, we started going out and bonded over having the same values and beliefs. And we enjoy being together, listening to music, watching TV, talking walks and planning our next big trip. I wish you well and a lot of love 💜

[@linakeke]

@@smeemira8225 I love that!!! Thank you for sharing!! I am definitely over drama. Values and beliefs are key, and I'm so flexible with what type of person they are otherwise. Thank you again and I'll keep my chin up.

[@TheChrismsanchez1]

yes everybody has issues, and we write a story as we go thru life. how do you continue to edit the story when you come to an impass after 20 yrs? the story has changed we have grown into completely different people, opposite in our values, how we raised our children became a struggle of wills. our retirement goals were edited differently. our political beliefs became polar opposites. I couldn't even find the person I married anymore. this was a slow and subtle change that I compromised with for far too long.i had to choose between a life edited far away from what goals we had set 20+ years ago or get back on the path of a life that resembles my values and beliefs. my path has been reset. the course is reset and I am once again making progress. I would love to share my journey but I don't think I can handle editing my course if the person chosen drifts too far off course. it is getting difficult to find openness early on in a new relationship. as we age we protect ourselves more than when we were young and adventurous. I'm not as eager to look for a companion as I once was. if it happens, great, until then I am experiencing the adventures on my own. so the next time you see someone at the beach or on a cruise or the single person in the scuba diving group please don't pity them. we are simply choosing to experience & celebrate life. sorry this got a bit off course ; )

[@veggie42]

Correct,people change and even have mid life crises and affairs possibly or if one loses weight becomes more confident, that feels a betrayal to the other

[@justinajones3000]

Chris Sanchez, when people ask "Why no boyfriend?" I'm gonna' quote you: my chosen person drifted too far off course, so I am resetting the course. Thanks (:

[@stephaniebonner8889]

I could've written this myself! It just goes to show the extent of shared relationship issues and those of the self. Is 20 years in a golden period or something? :)

[@vladimirjuranic5621]

Changes can go either way, good or bad. My question, to witch I don’t have answer to, is: when is the right time to close the book and start writing it on your own? Or has it already begun long time ago? What good is it to stay in a relationship of witchever kind (friends, relatives, partners) if you are not sharing your fears and experiances...

[@tiffanymendoza9329]

This lady is so right it’s frightening!! I’m sorry but I can relate. And I never even met him. He just makes me want to do better

[@christianpulisic7784]

Tiffany Mendoza,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺,hope you are with a good man!!

[@tiffanymendoza9329]

@@christianpulisic7784 thanks for this. What's your definition..

[@christianpulisic7784]

@@tiffanymendoza9329 You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌺.I am Christian from the States.You?

[@tabithashayla]

I just want someone who cares about me.

[@rudy1999]

easy to find with your looks

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Tabitha Douzat, you are so beautiful and so cute and I care about you ❤❤❤

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Tabitha Douzat, you deserve better

[@svartvist]

My mother passed before I turned 12, so I never had a maternal influence through puberty. But Esther has got to have been a phenomenal mother to her two boys. As the female gatekeeper for nurturing kids, I can only conclude she kept it wide open and facilitated Jack's role-modeling for their sons. I also can't imagine a situation of marital conflict in misunderstanding that couldn't be resolved with such a woman as this. Powerful. Faith restoring.

[@BlankCanvas88]

The couples I know who cut out all the other relationships in their lives when they got together usually ended up breaking up. We get fulfillment from a variety of relationships: parents, siblings, children, friends, coworkers, etc. And especially from our relationship with God. As the Bible says, he fulfills the desires of our heart. If we try to make our spouse fulfill all those roles, disappointment is inevitable.

[@urbanet1939]

Don’t look for your other half. Then you think you are incomplete and that is what you will manifest. Be your wholeness, you are already complete! Then be open to meet another wholeness!

[@garciamilly2423]

do you need help

[@garciamilly2423]

if you do get in touch with him on WhatsApp

[@garciamilly2423]

[phone]

[@maxinetba]

Great point that we can’t put all this responsibility on one person. It’s too much ohhhh.

[@thl4444]

You are the one to yourself, nobody else

[@amandacruz4254]

Thank you for this, Esther! Your years of work and wisdom in a beautiful morsel here.

[@paulaa.6833]

Another good statement I heard from an astronaut was that everyone no matter how young or old, or what economic background etc, everyone has struggles. Therefore, let's be kinder to one another. So incredibly true. All couples have issues. Might not be the same as you are going through but there are others and we all have them.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Paula A, you are absolutely gorgeous

[@DeniseTimmons]

It's very problematic to marry someone because we think they can meet all or even most or our needs in the way we think they will and should. No one can meet all of our needs perfectly, and by "perfectly" I mean to our standards. If we stopped focusing so much on the question "how can my spouse fulfill my needs and love me better," and shifted our attention to the question "how can I love my spouse better?" Then we would probably start seeing more functional relationships. But this all comes down to a persons definition of love, and what we will do if we think we are not receiving the love we think we deserve. First off, many would think love to be a feeling, but I believe it's a choice. I will choose to show you love when you're unlovable. I will choose to resist the flirtations of another person because I love you. I will cook your favorite meal, even though I hate that dish, because I love you. Showing love to others means living up to our vows even in the moments when we don't want to. So love doesn't stop if you don't love me the way I love myself and my passions; love stops when I choose myself and my passions over my spouse.

[@bezlichnyy7675]

No offense and with all due respect, it's probably problematic or challenging to you because you may be denying your selfish desires. Do you remember when you were about 13 or 14 years young when the person you really desired aroused such a strong sexual attraction from you? Before your sexual romantic love ideals perhaps became corrupt through accepting the wrong ideas or ideology. I believe there is someone for out there that arouses strong sexual passions and you maybe ignoring them or denying this pleasure for some reason unknown to me. Once you find this potential lover, you will feel exalted and know what is means to be excited and passionate again about your lover as you once did when you were the age ranges I mentioned. "Vows" you seem to treat sexual romantic love as if it were a moral duty or obligation. Sexual romantic love is volitional as you stated before. Which celebrity or famous if any do you sexually admire most? Whoever this person is they have the potential to be your lover because they meet your personal standards of attraction.

[@spooks160]

Every time I've used the approach of fulfilling their needs and loving them better, it's always been taken for granted, created a rift of distance and generated complacency on their end. You can't win.

[@Misslotusification]

< I will choose to resist the flirtations of another person because I love you.> Is that because you could arouse your partner's jealousy? If both partners agree on what kind of flirting they allow, it can be profitable for both. < love stops when I choose myself and my passions over my spouse.> When one disregards and doesn't care about pursuing his own passions and creativity, he dims his light and becomes resentful or demanding. Why not reconcile both togetherness and individuality, with the aim of building a healthy relationship?

[@oscarwilde9581]

This is exactly how I view true romance, and I get burned over and over by people who see my caring nature as something to be exploited. I hope you find someone or something that returns your level of care.

[@mdk2338]

No marriage is perfect and no partner. But where the partners take each other for granted and doesn't work for betterment of marriage, that's where it gets worse. Great advice n Counselling. Thank you ma'am. 😊

[@BlankCanvas88]

Every teen and adult needs to watch this video. It teaches more about real romance than all the fluffy romance movies. I felt convicted and disillusioned at the same time. Thanks, Esther!

[@alexandramg2311]

You're my idol. I'm studying psychology and I want to learn more about relationships, so I watch your videos and I can say that you always teach me something new. Thank you.

[@sk4swatikapoor]

u r just amazing. period

[@debwest7816]

Perfect advice for me after YEARS on the hunt for "the one". Thank you!

[@christianpulisic7784]

DEB WEST,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷🌺 dear

[@parule]

I heard you in the Tim Ferris Show and was amazed how articulate and educated you are and the destilled clearness of your words. Instantly subscribed!

[@jems824]

Patrick Goppold I felt the same way! I had to keep pausing the podcast to stop and think about what she was saying. She throws out such big, important perspectives at such a rapid pace!!

[@walk-inmyshoes9818]

So, "I AM THE ONE" . it even feels good o say it! "I AM my ONE"

[@RosaGlee]

Thank you. This is also great to hear for someone who is already in a relationship. In books are stories of passion but in real life there is only the one story we write together hand in hand. It never is easy but it is also an accomplishment. ❤️

[@gwynnielsen5081]

I love the metaphor of the story, building a story with another person. At the root of all problems with relationships today is pronounced, exaggerated expectations. There are imperfections in an imperfect world.

[@return2innocence221]

Wise words indeed...find someone who adds to the beautiful story that is your life 💜💙💚💛♥️💜💙💚💛♥️💜

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Return 2 Innocence, you are so beautiful and I will be glad to know you more

[@richardkan8499]

Esther you're brilliant. Thank you for breaking the illusion the world of choice throws at us.

[@heatherwoodley8244]

Wow! A wake-up call to us all! That's some serious straight talking. We might not like it, but I guess life's a whole lot easier when we accept the truth. Thanks Esther.

[@oscarwilde9581]

I wish my recent ex understood how unrealistic her expectations were. We had a close relationship for 2+ years but disagreed on certain things and ran into the same issues over and over again. She had an ideal person in her mind that she was always comparing me to--someone who was taller, more confident, more aloof, more frugal, more practical, more fit, more polished in every aspect. Yet she also wanted me to be relatable, humble, kind and supportive when she was upset, the perfect gift-giver and trip-planner, a cerebral conversationalist, available to chat all the time (i.e. not constantly trying to perfect my body), less high-maintenance. She wanted me to be the kind of person who had a great physique but would also eat dessert with her. She wanted me to be a more lighthearted person yet complained if she was being dramatic and I didn't mirror her emotions. She wanted me to be sexually dominant and to desire her constantly but would reject me or joke around with me when I did, so she complained when we stopped having sex very frequently and blamed it on her fluctuating sexual attraction to me. She was uncertain about me from the very beginning, and she would remind me of this periodically to tell me she would be more attracted to me if I did this or that. She constantly questioned whether or not this was "the right relationship" for her, and when she came to me with that concern, I told her, "Every relationship is different, and I don't find it useful to operate on all these 'shoulds.' The reality is more complex. If you think our love does more harm than good in your life, you're free to end things any time. But I think there's something special about it--how we understand each other and help each other strive to be better people every day." I was drinking Dumbass Juice, obviously, and she had all the power in our relationship. It made my pre-existing self-consciousness and sense of inferiority so much worse. Maybe this is more of a "her" issue than a cultural one, but I definitely get the sense that wherever she got her ideas about love, it failed to prepare her for the nuances of a serious, intimate relationship with a human being who was just as complex as she was. I think our generation would be less lonely if they would focus on the good things about other people instead of always thinking, "Is this the absolute best I can do?"

[@brittanamo]

Girl Oscar-Wilde I think you are absolutely spot on!!! And I’ve been HER, the girl your ex represents. I honestly think it’s a lot of cultural conditioning, that we women are taught to hold out for perfect ONE (Prince Charming) but at the loss of experiencing the GOOD in the moment. I felt extremely unsure with my boyfriend at the beginning because I was stressed about whether or not he was the best ONE I could be with. Once I dropped that fear I’ve been able to experience genuine connection and all the good that was right in front of me the whole time. Allowing REAL love in means letting go of what you think it SHOULD or WILL look like👍🏼

[@oscarwilde9581]

Brittany Sowle your response was extremely validating ☺️ can’t believe anyone read a comment that long 😂 and I’m so glad you’ve come to a good peace of mind about what expectations do and don’t have a rightful place in your relationship. Best wishes to you!

[@desertfox432]

Can we please clone you? We may need a few billion) Great influence you are and always feel you articulate my thoughts.

[@geraldrodriguez1731]

I'm 58 yrs old and here I am watching this awesome Lady. 1st time viewer of her channel. 3rd video. Very interesting takes she has so I'll watch more.

[@08sibel]

Esther Perel ,love you...You are so wise and brilliant ❤

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Sibel Ozunlu,hope you are in a good relationship cause you are too pretty!

[@anewloveofficial9137]

Finding the right one is quite hard but when you accept all the flaws. It will make it easier for both sides, but then again once we're in love we don't notice the things that can actually hurt us.

[@jgambler1188]

Currently reading mating in captivity. Such a great read thus far, wish I had discovered it earlier. Thank you 🙂

[@jeanettemarmor9982]

All she says is so true for people who see the truth

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Jeanette Marmor, you are absolutely gorgeous!

[@christianpulisic7784]

Jeanette Marmor,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

[@egary1974]

And don’t dwell too long on the faults of the person you chose. Be thankful for those faults. Those faults are what kept them from getting a better spouse.

[@lucym911]

I think what Esther regards as a definition for "the one" is not necessarily what others think. When I want to know if I've found "the one", what I mean is that I want to know if I've found the one I can spend my life with. Not that I only require one person in my life. My family, friends, teachers, god etc are all extremely important to me and so, one person will never fulfil all of their roles. But I want to know whether he's the one that I could spend my life with. I don't know of anyone who says "you're the one" who means anything different. Certainly not "you're the only person I'll ever need" because what a lonely and closed-off life that would lead to

[@ATrueLoveOfficial]

Problematic because there's no such thing as "THE ONE". Perfect point of view Esther. Hit the target right.

[@kindredspiritzz66]

oh there is the one, but most times she cheats on you when something better comes along, never satisfied til they hit 50 alone and realize their best years are behind them

[@endaegan4123]

Esther my darling you are The One humanity needs more than ever....thank you for sharing your exceptional talent and time ...God bless you and yours

[@vaniawijaya1630]

The smartest love consultant. Hands down, madam!

[@clowndriver5576]

Perel is amazing. You gotta choose: Amazements > Issues Issues will always be there for every taste. Everyone has their own issues. No one is perfect.

[@kristine8338]

Strange, 2 months ago I met a couple of 59 who were together from the age of 18. They talked about themselves as soulmates.

[@Ohkeh640]

Awwww

[@miriambaio5468]

Not strange. They wrote their story together and didn’t get caught up on the hiccups. They overcame they lows and moved on, together!!

[@dawnemile7499]

Perfect advice. I share her opinions because of my own life experiences.

[@melodysteven7202]

my dear let me introduce to you dr usifoh who help me bring back my ex after many months of separation

[@melodysteven7202]

On WhtsApp message him

[@melodysteven7202]

[phone]

[@christianpulisic7784]

Dawn Emile,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺 dear

[@jimgulick9773]

Wise counsel always from Esther Perel.

[@joshikawale25]

The fact that she stated is so true. I am presently in a great relationship and there is always this thought in my mind that even though I have this limited dating experience and at very young age I see myself settling down with this person some time in the future, I know that I could date a 100 more people and I would still choose to settle down with this person. It is all about the choice you make and what you choose to believe in.

[@ggsplace69]

Hit the nail on the head .....which issues do you wish to deal with 😅😬🙃

[@justinajones3000]

Isn't that the same as the "wish list", in reverse?

[@sarahsorrentino6531]

cracked up when seeing this

[@sarahcox4292]

This is the best piece of relationship advice ever given! Figure out which inter-problems you are best suited to navigate and chose your partner accordingly!

[@kaartheikgeiyan6004]

Choose Emotional Intelligence & a Kind Heart. That tends to last. Then try your best to make it work through the choices in life.

[@tracymagowan2652]

Beautifully straight talking love it!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Tracy Mogowan,you are so beautiful and so cute ❤.I wanna know you more

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Tracy Magowan, your pretty smile can make the news!

[@donnax6828]

I found this channel by accident. I could not put my finger on what is so wrong with the online dating world...she explained it perfectly. I am guilty of this. In my younger years I never felt this way.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Donna X,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌷🌹,hope you are with a good man!!

[@donnax6828]

@@christianpulisic7784 I think I finally have. Work in progress

[@christianpulisic7784]

@@donnax6828 Oh ok dearest 🌹🌷🌷.I am Christian from the States.You?

[@donnax6828]

@@christianpulisic7784 Yes, US, Florida.

[@christianpulisic7784]

@@donnax6828 Wow!😊😊😊😊😊😊😊,are you on Hangouts or Gmail so we can always talk?

[@agrxdrowflow958]

In order to find "the one," simple BE "the one" and they will find YOU. Like attracts like.

[@raymondotoole2600]

We must work on ourselves enough to fill the holes that were dug deep when younger and feel fulfilled within those areas through self. The other areas your partner will fulfil if you communicate in a healthy way that in order to work we both must do certain things to help each other grow together

[@shebaglover3986]

you are so raw and you are the true... you've changed my life and the way i look at sex and companionship

[@kindredspiritzz66]

sigh....women

[@Lichfeldian--Suttonian]

I have understood that life is written in pencil: the sentence that I write today to be true, might not be so tomorrow. “Who I am” is _also_ written in pencil: how dark the pencil is depends upon my ability to see the life written in pencil. If I meet someone tomorrow, and we grow, we grow in an evolving way. What we will grow to, in 20 years tine say, is largely unknown. Yes, there is some negotiation between us as of now, but I don’t want to know what we will do, and who we will be, in 20 years time. I think that it’s all part of the adventure of growth during our time together. Anyone who says that his/she is who he/she is *_forever_* has a self-imprisoning view of him/her. Feelings change over time. I can complain about it, or I can embrace it. Only I can make that choice.

[@basicbase749]

Absolutely True! we experience this again and again, how we ourselves change our mind so many times for one thing/person, then how can we expect a person to be the same forever. This whole idea of unpredictability opens a whole new level of open mindedness towards unconditional love. all we can do is love and not expect a person to be forever the same. infact we can't really be sure about anyone including ourselves. hence saying this to someone that "i didn't expect this from you" is quite useless in real mature world.

[@karinweston6299]

So true, so well explained!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Karin Weston, you're so sweet and so beautiful and I will be glad to know you more ❤

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Karin Weston,hope you are with a better man cause you are too precious!

[@christianpulisic7784]

Karin Weston,You look charming 🌹🥀🥀🥀 dear

[@lipsohlips97]

Don't look for the one... look for someone to mutually write a story with :) I like it.

[@angelicaprodev]

All I want to find is " the only one " who isn't cheating me

[@solohmagazzy3734]

Cheating and being not transparent makes everything go sour.Ireally hate cheating.

[@veggie42]

It doesn't exist, cheats are because you didn't meet Princes but the frogs

[@pcr2088]

Done! You wont like him tho...

[@genevieve1642]

Good luck. There are a small few.

[@17genc]

@@genevieve1642 Is the offer still available?

[@3rdeye136]

Very insightful, articulate and spot on. "Nobody, no matter how phenomenal they are, will be able to satisfy all your needs".

[@cali8229]

Omg!!!! Thank you so much, this one hit me differently

[@ShangFael]

"Each couple has issues, the only question is which are the issues you want to deal with. You pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues".

[@pegasus6724]

There is no one , we are not designed to have relationships we ate designed to be single and share with others variety is the spice of life People get married out of need which is not love

[@ThomasFaller]

Might sound strange but I find it comforting to know that there isn’t actually ONE person out there who could provide everything. It’s just a fantasy. We already have everything.

[@cherylkimble7526]

Beautifully stated. 🕊☮💖🌞♾💯

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Cheryl Kimble, you look gorgeous ❤and I will be glad to know you more

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Cheryl Kimble,you look stunning

[@christianpulisic7784]

Cheryl Kimble,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺🌹 dear

[@cherylkimble7526]

@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you.🙏🏽🕊💖💯

[@christianpulisic7784]

@@cherylkimble7526 You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌷🥀🥀.I am Christian from the States.You?

[@issac7787]

Rewatching this, make more and more sense the older i get

[@wizetek]

Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom, Esther. I watched lots of your video material and all of it is truly enlightening. The question remains how to get those other unmet needs fulfilled in a monogamous relationship without secrecy and betrayal? Or is giving up on unsatisfied needs in the name of loyalty the answer? Does this allow for complete/sufficient happiness?

[@marthastokeworth9956]

WiZeTeK Take a look at her Ted Talk "secret to desire in long-term relationships", because I have a feeling you're thinking of that :-) Also take a hard look at those needs you're mentioning. Could they be imposed by the machinery of society? Are they really impossible in the relationship you have? Is their worth really over the worth of the relationship you have? Sacrifices and compromises have to be made. Can people ever be COMPLETELY happy? What is completely happy? Is it really happiness you're talking about, or is it satisfaction? Just to be on the clear side, I have nothing against polygamy :-)

[@vishwav20]

I found Esther Perel today, I'm going to be following her for a really long long time from now. A lot of answers I'm looking for about myself and the world around me!

[@three7446]

Why does no man want to “write a story” with me then? I’m smart, nice, highly educated, giving, funny, and loyal. Yet men just want to sleep with me. I turned 23. I don’t think I’m so young that men my age should be this immature so explain what’s going on

[@TMCremixes]

Where it goes wrong is that we have to explain it to you. Other people can feel it when you have anxiety about finding love. You're probably a wonderful person with lots of potential and great assets but if you're constantly wondering why guys won't write a story with you then, energetically, that's not attractive. You need to start by searching for the feelings you think a relationship will bring you, but look for them inside yourself. Once you find these feelings inside of yourself, you'll be much more likely to find them in a relationship, too. Get to know yourself, accept yourself. Let's say you called up a friend to tell them you feel lonely because you can't seem to find a partner. The friend, in return, tells you it's because you're insecure, ugly, fat and because there's obviously something wrong with you. Would you call that a good friend? No! Now imagine it's not actually a friend who said that to you, but yourself. Because that's how we often treat ourselves. We think of all the things that are "wrong with us", and we try to fix them so that other people will find us more appealing. By creating a practice of finding inner peace, strength, happiness, and fulfillment within, the sense of needing something outside of you to feel good will start to disappear. And when this happens, ironically, everything you've always wanted, including an incredible relationship, will make their way to you.

[@sandrabiekmann7424]

Take time.. and believe in yourself..

[@alisabelove6254]

Stop sleeping with a Man you are interested in until you get married. If you sleep with a Man before marriage they believe you will sleep with anyone.

[@adeleforgey1872]

Men are Hunters let them chase you , dont be easy or desperate ... (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free ) i know its a gross saying but so true. It worked for me ! All the guys wanted was sex .... Dated my hubby for 9 months no sex no french kissing either. Get to know someone for all the seasons too

[@davidminj1]

ella just try shambhavi mahamudra kriya bysadhguru for 6 months and i promise you your life will be changed forever. you will get all the answers from within

[@purplecowmovement7677]

Im surprised she doesn't have more subscribers this woman is a beast! In a good way obviously she deserves a show of her own