Gastor Almonte - Reverse Drive-By - This Is Not Happening

Instead of depositing the money his dad asked him to, Gastor Almonte spends a chunk of it on a pizza party - and loses even more when he gets mugged. (Contains strong language.)
Follow Gastor Almonte on Twitter: @GastorAlmonte
About This Is Not Happening:
Now hosted by Roy Wood Jr., This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material.
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[@standup]

Think your family is messed up? Think again. Watch comedians share their most ridiculous family stories on “This Is Not Happening:” kzbin.info/aero/PLD7nPL1U-R5pgIBSOJV-fL4uIWR-DZbfI

[@brookbarnes876]

Comedy Central Stand-Up 5

[@brookbarnes876]

m

[@daynap11]

Ari is a better host

[@12323brenda]

P

[@12323brenda]

brook barnes has

[@Appachoppa112]

“Yo ill get to it when i get to it.” I could just see my dad slap me thru the phone

[@mikagami69]

That is the parts that gets me and just makes me crack up

[@hdestin]

I can't even imagine saying that to my dad.

[@wever5077]

AND he hung up. Yeah, no. I'm spending a few nights at Jeff's.

[@hunchobob]

Quick neck breaking action 😂

[@tboland728]

I feared for him in that moment

[@farrowna]

"You do the things I can't do. And you avoided the things I had to do." That hit me. That's keeping it 100.

[@Aloemancer]

"No Jeff, we have angry drug dealers. " 🤣😂

[@anthonyomyroyston8984]

Ha ha

[@K-TRAIN_MUSIC]

I'm jeff

[@thetotalpackage4194]

Jeff: "Nah he's cool! He go to Prep, you see he has cargo pants on!"😂😂😂

[@herbalife4486]

The Total Package hahahaha new york things

[@majionmars]

420 likes and im leaving it tht way

[@heisenberg9306]

Batman lol

[@1hxmiebg]

my fave part😂😂😂

[@Chris-zo4vu]

Wow, dude is totally controlling the room, excellent work!

[@calviincalifornia4048]

its easy, hes the only one with the mic

[@antispaghettigod1201]

@@calviincalifornia4048 You've never seen a bad comic have you?

[@humanbeing5918]

I mean people paid to see the show - not much control needed

[@VerumOccultum]

@@humanbeing5918 Yes, but the ability to draw people's likable attention and excitement for more.

[@therealjrr_]

Dude I think you mean, he's captures the audience's attention..

[@BlueHoodieStudios]

"If you gon' do something stupid, do it smart"...This guy is always good!

[@AtilioEscobar]

Wow. It's so impressive how people can be such amazing storytellers. So effortless and smooth. Excellent story.

[@astral_fetus]

Atilio Escobar it’s far from effortless. this dude has worked hard at refining his talent to get to where he is

[@ItsBirdieCage]

My mom is an amazing story teller. She refined her craft by getting drunk off a case of coors light and gossiping about her children.

[@JoshuaKevinPerry]

This is definitely the first time he's told the story.

[@midnightxii8486]

1 word: rehearsal :) great show!!!

[@sweet65mustang]

2 things. 1 talk about what you know. 2 repetition.

[@FrankyPayne]

The fact that he mentioned Vito from essex omg!!! I grew up in that area!!! Caterina pizza! Is the bomb!!! Love this guy!!!

[@aleezameansjoy]

For real! All the street names legit. I mean his accent is a dead giveaway anyways, true east new yorker

[@preston4815]

Franky Payne Vito on essex could be like 7 dudes

[@bigdaddypapajohn1293]

Preston Jackson fax I thought bro was talking bout herbos homie

[@ketercognitohazard]

Franky Payne Guitar player to guitar player... Check out Sarah Longfield

[@ThaBiggBaddWolf10]

"The various storage options available." LOL!!

[@ShaeButtaTV]

😂😂😂

[@A_Dopamine_Molecule]

My god, his dad was taking parenting to the next level and then another 2 levels.

[@jimpickens4]

"Hey son, remember all that awful shit that happened to you because of your hubris? Yeah, it was all me." It's risky parenting, but still damn good parenting nonetheless.

[@KoldBreeze]

@j My Pops did something similar in that he was technically around, but never supported me financially, physically, emotionally, nothing. Now that he's much older and seems to be on his way out, he's leaving me and my 2 kids (whom live with me, and I support them in everything they do) money, land in the caribbean, and a house in the caribbean 🤷🏾‍♂️ I don't kno if he has a guilty conscious or what, but bills are kicking my ass 🤣🤣 so this will be very helpful 🤣🤣 I have forgiven him tho

[@HipsxSoxReactionz]

@@KoldBreeze I went thru Similar with my dad, I knew who he was but he was barely there and left me all his ish in his will my other siblings got mad but idk if it was guilty conscience or what but I was grateful for it.

[@AceDramaBeats]

Reading y'all two's stories got me feeling better about my relationship with my dad. Good to know I'm not alone, thanks for sharing

[@BusinessWolf1]

​@@KoldBreeze A life of learning and lessons is priceless. Not passing that down to your sons and daughters should be a crime.

[@michaelgilvarry8540]

This is someone with a strong father figure

[@chucksawdy7283]

Without a doubt.

[@Dreadd81]

@Raoul Fleckman No, having a strong father figure allowed him to become an up standing man despite his circumstances and experiences as a child. He wasn't "raised" to be a criminal.

[@mauricioperez6424]

@Raoul Fleckman yes asshole, some people don't have other choices, some people don't have money, or education, and the dead end jobs they can get aren't enough to pay the bills, think about it. Most laws are made to protect us, some to keep us under

[@thememelord2730]

My dad was never like this all he did was verbally bully me

[@calviincalifornia4048]

its not strength to commit crime

[@ColorMeIn]

I’m just shook he’s talking about having a beeper but looks a smooth 22 lol

without checking i think he is about 37 now. i had a beeper in norway in the late 90's(i am 37 now) that i got (stole)from my father. but it was dead serious expensive to get messages. lol. u paid to get them. wow. those times. felt like a king

[@ghoul8375]

ColorMeIn 22 My ass

[@lokiwatts2665]

Yea he in his late thirties yo

[@jkarpov3634]

41 here, had a beeper as well.

[@bugglemagnum6213]

he has a certain vitality but he looks like a smooth looking 30

[@just_a_person_chilling938]

If I had that type of money I would get jumped by my own family

[@childofpersia1213]

Carlton, everyone knows your family has that big money.

[@dustinhargrove2129]

Child of Persia you know cousin will would slap the piss out of him for that paper 😂

[@michaelvolquez4018]

In my own house

[@walkz007]

of course they do,its called keeping a joke going.

[@dylanavilez8925]

Same

[@HaploidCell]

I'm a white dude in Germany and it's unreal how parallel this dad's wisdom runs to the some of the best thoughts of my old man. Hilariously fucking told, I daresay. Great story.

[@QuestionYourWorld]

My older brother could learn a lot from this man. It's not about being the tough guy. It's about being the guy who is responsible and gets s*** done. Great story.

[@calviincalifornia4048]

so commiting crime but not getting caught= success? :/

[@QuestionYourWorld]

@@calviincalifornia4048 I'm not making a comment on criminal behavior. I'm focusing on the idea of owning up to your responsibilities, which his father was trying to teach him. When you're the type of guy who takes care of business and keep things in order, your actions speak for you. Maybe people just want to be strong/dependable within their group of friends. Whether it's a thug life or nerd life? Honestly, I don't know. It's all still an incomplete thought for me.

[@walkz007]

@@calviincalifornia4048 life is different for some people,the normal laws do not apply some people have to do 'bad' to survive. It's the shoes we are dealt with we all walk different paths,does not mean they are not good people just means there survival game is different from yours.

[@PabloGonzalez-mp9ni]

Amy Victoria shut yo lame ass up

[@THF692]

@@PabloGonzalez-mp9ni someone salty

[@arsek503]

Old school vibes from this guy, very fluent and a good story teller.

[@General.Apeshit]

There needs to be more of this guy. He’s hilarious.

[@Liztonicedtea]

Look him up on the Risk! Podcast. He has stories featured on a few episodes and they are gold!

[@edwinrodriguez5332]

"No Jeff, we have angry drug dealers. " 🤣😂

[@Sonny1065LV]

This guy is going to have a great career. Wonderful story teller and he's controlling the crowd perfectly.

[@calviincalifornia4048]

if he's here he's a working comic and has "made it" and just needs to keep the plates spinning..

[@MontyCampbell]

That story was so extraordinary on every level. Regardless of the life choices, he had a great father. And the expectation I had from parts was not undermined buy the ultimate twist ending. This one story could be a movie and would be well worth seeing.

[@calviincalifornia4048]

his dad was a criminal and bad

[@Matt.62]

calvi in california with the destitute conditions in inner cities, rural areas, and other poor/working class communities caused by the massive wealth and income inequality in the US, you can’t blame people for doing what they have to do in order to support their families and survive.

[@videohound2005]

@@RipFreddy no need to be an ass, regardless of what he says. Act like an adult.

[@videohound2005]

@@RipFreddy ooh keyboard justice, I'm hurt. I shall now drown my sorrows in rum. As I said, act like an adult, not some crybaby teen. By the way, I've been called far worse then a 'low accomplished cunt'. Try harder next time.

[@bringmebangtanseonyeondan1572]

It was as he said "...legendary"

[@InnerDness]

Starts off strong with "There's a lot of liars in here" 100% real

[@Halfdead_Eny]

Im actually from eny i know the struggle

[@lukeperry8407]

Statute of Limitations, gotta love it for the sake of comedy.

[@EricBrinkman]

For reals, can he be telling us all this? This is actual criminal sh#t!

[@chillinwithmartin]

@Alan Hardcastle good thing he didn't talk about killing anyone

[@justillionaire]

@@chillinwithmartin saints row reference, breh breh

[@Str8Deenin47]

Statute of limitations on an assault on some drug dealers. Sure why not.

[@Cryster99]

Str8Deenin47 yeah cuz you know the one place you’ll find drug dealers is suing people in court.

[@dashman8499]

“Don’t get ahead of me” had me DEAD. This guy is GOOD.

[@MrBrian000]

The second best I've seen. After Mexicans got on boots.

[@marshallelliott8894]

Lol. Fo sho

[@Sweetee_xoxo]

🤣🤣🤣 Definitely

[@OhitsONnow]

I keep seeing that, what video is it?

[@OhitsONnow]

@Ghost thank you kinda sir

[@Wesley-ud7qo]

Check fight in Chicago

[@B.A.M.I.L]

Every time I watch this I enjoy it a little more. Please never take these down

[@nevasoba5953]

This story made me think about my pops hard. I was an asshole teenager, like world class. I know I can't take back all the things I fkd up . I do take solicit in the fact I became a responsible man in spite of myself. numerous mistakes and misfires. Pops tried to raise me right ,and looking at life now I guess he did a good job. I say all that to say he was the best man I've ever known and it still hurts to think he is gone even after 3 years . I thank God everyday for him and his love . They made me the man I am. Thanks Pops . And thank u Gaston great story.

[@EK_Menw]

This story had more twists and turns than a telenovela.

[@Taykorjg]

The delivery of this story is the best thing about it. Everything else could be made up or be talking about buying juice at the grocery store, the delivery is the best.

[@jacks_alt]

Not only an amazing comic but a fantastic storyteller as well.

[@stephaniejefferson6566]

Beyond genius funny. I watch / listen to / support ALL the comedians and storytellers - he has skyrocketed in a few minutes to the TOP of my favorites list. Did I mention bursting into tears on that last line, tho?

[@beatsxj.yerbass6272]

His air conditioner story is one of the best ever

[@zugxug]

link it?

[@beatsxj.yerbass6272]

@@zugxug kzbin.info/www/bejne/mWHbmKF5rJmNmNE

[@lord7134]

Marshall Fisher oof commenting as a bookmark

[@beatsxj.yerbass6272]

@Justin Last nahh

[@TheSavvyRebel]

Justin Last which Batman one omg I need to see all of these lol

[@axftyh]

16 minutes of material that makes u wanna keep watching!! Bro like that with the comedy!!

[@devingiles887]

This legitimately would be a great movie

[@calviincalifornia4048]

i agree. they financed _failure to launch_ and _gigli_ so why not?

[@angelacartereshephoenix]

I toooootally agree!!!

[@thatsoundsaboutright7483]

He's putting extra sauce on his accent and demeanor. But New Yorkers love the sound of their own voice.

[@JohnDoe-gn4xj]

He a bitch all talk. A fuckin prep school comedian who's joke is thinking he's tough

[@MsJenjea]

Well he is on stage

[@rogueshay853]

John Doe lol stfu stupid ass bitch

[@degeleagel420]

@@JohnDoe-gn4xj r/woooshh

[@ashocktoseeu4725]

@@JohnDoe-gn4xj nigga you're not that bright

[@MitchellBahamas]

Something tells me Gastore is going to be an Amazing FATHER.. this was awesome lol

[@GastorAlmonte]

I'm trying my best! I got two kids now!

[@MitchellBahamas]

i been watchin all yo videos this mornin after this my G..(watchin the performance at 'RISK' as we speak) ..you a real one..STAY UP!! #StraightToTheTOP @@GastorAlmonte

[@MitchellBahamas]

why would you make an arbitrary, unfounded, irrelevant statement like that?...did you just want attention today?.lol @bangmeister2012

[@MitchellBahamas]

if you are referring to and comparing the DEMON who ultimately got one of our greatest artist murdered ..DESTROYED countless lives as 11 out of 15 of his crew members were killed and families are still suffering to this DAY..to go with COUNTLESS EVIL ATROCITIES (like KILLING HIS BEST FRIEND in a fit of rage to a man who did what he had to do to raise a respectable member of society...then....I dont know what to say.. =\@bangmeister2012

[@MitchellBahamas]

haha..man im just being factual lol@bangmeister2012

[@sasukesarutobi3862]

What an incredible storyteller. I look forward to seeing more of him.

[@Nikkiv4u]

Top 5 favorite stories, well done sir! On a side note, they need to stop giving away the biggest punchlines in the preview. There are better ways to get people to continue watching.

[@sergiotuberquia8150]

This is why I skip ahead like a minute or so

[@Animaniac-vd5st]

@@sergiotuberquia8150 ALWAYS skip the preview and intro.

[@smoke126857]

Maybe maybe not, it's how he got to that story that is the important part of this video.

[@brandenlikesbeer]

Wow I'm not the only one who skips the spoiler.. Y'all should probably just get rid of it.

[@christopheracord7067]

the preview for Kurt Metzger's story definitely did not give away the punchline. Best story ever told on this show.

[@staffy73]

This is the best TINH story I’ve seen yet. My wife and I Actually got emotional at the end having grown up in ENY. I’ve never seen or heard this cat before and we just started enjoying watching stand up. Mr. Almonte just got 2 new fans and thanks to Comedy Central for putting these up. They’re the best! 🙏

[@damon2772nomad]

My dad grew up in Brooklyn and the bronx....no suprises that he decided to raise me in Oregon. His father was a collector for a bookie.

[@tashahines1000]

Where in Oregon?

[@damon2772nomad]

@@tashahines1000 Halfway....I live in Hells Canyon

[@damon2772nomad]

@@tashahines1000 dad use to joke hells kitchen to hells canyon...lol

[@Theomite]

Magnificent stage presence. Smooth delivery like this is harder than it looks because you have to have a lean, lean set with no filler whatsoever. But notice that even the slower parts of the story flow the same way as the killer parts and that consistency keeps the audience on its toes, so the punchlines land harder because they're paying better attention and they're surprised more easily. I wouldn't put him the same level as Ali Siddiq, but he definitely has the confidence, control, and focus to be on his level in very little time.

[@xX1ruthless4Xx]

One of the best I’ve seen on here. Never even heard of the dude but he killed that stage.

[@mrpink6446]

Legit one of/ if not THE best one since Roy took over as host. 10/10

[@dullesperez9750]

So we have a 1000 dollars.no jeff we have angry drug dealers....lol

[@ShaeButtaTV]

Dulles Perez 😂😂

[@theholyghostskeemzplots7320]

"If u gonna do something stupid Do it smart " hit dad is legendary

[@kieranvaras]

he keeps it 100 consistently

[@skyguy5763]

"Gastor, if you gonna do something stupid, do it smart"😅😅😅

[@FlameOnDeck]

This is One of the best comedians I’ve ever heard

[@marklord7614]

What a great storyteller. Even when I wasn't laughing I was captivated. You don't see this type of act often. Fire!

[@justinbenning2428]

I've never heard of this dude until now, but I'm a fan. I need to find more of his stuff.

[@Smil3y7021]

This story never gets old. My favorite one so far

[@terrintine2151]

This cat quickly becoming my favorite comic..his batman shit classic as well..bravo my friend

[@mjollnirtsubo]

this guy has one of the best timing and delivery i've ever heard.

[@morpheos111]

Okay. This right here is now my favorite story of them all in this series. Funny. Touching.

[@lewchootrain]

I think it kind of goes to show that money bring a lot of stress but the best part of his day was just eating pizza and drinking snapples

[@dduffy7271]

This whole bit is hilarious, from start to finish. Well done sir, well done! Run up in the bank with ski masks on. "Yo, we good, we bringing money into the bank!"

[@finnthehuman9426]

It's the holidays, and with all my normal shows off the air these have been a life-saver.

[@curious17589]

Great story telling! But to be honest, with that NY accent, I'd have listened to him read the phonebook for 16 minutes too, lol.

[@saundraranel1729]

Me too!!! 😂😂😂😂

[@MsJenjea]

Hahahahaha!

[@ShaeButtaTV]

Hahaha

[@lacortneyfinch]

same!

[@aliciahoverson]

Me too 🙌🏻

[@francescoc.6591]

“….you do things that I can’t do and you avoided things that I had to do, and I am really proud of you for that,” then hands him a check for 82,200 dollars to make a down payment on his home. Gastor’s dad is legendary!!

[@stephaniejefferson6566]

“Legendary.” (His one-word flashback commentary on hanging up on his pops… in the middle of this anecdote, too.) Gastor will be at the TOP … I believe the Greats will be bowing their heads and clearing paths to secure space and pass the mic 🎤 to this man.)

[@balaine]

EXCELLENT STORY .... MASTERFULLY TOLD ..... Patience, poise, control , tempo ....I love how he spoke with a low voice that mean the room had to be quiet to listen public speaking 101....they need to hear the message to get the message ...awesome

[@SandrockCustom]

Wood on pizza? DO IT!!

[@jmalibu7617]

Make another one!

[@Rhekon]

This is one of the best fucking stories I've ever heard in my life. It should be a movie.

[@ElPatriarcaLeviatanLaFabula]

This man makes timberlands proud!

[@AllThingsMech]

This was a truly great story, and his delivery was perfect the whole time. Great job man.

[@mitchfitzgerald945]

That's a very different kind of wholesome haha

[@alexsimas5954]

“If you ever have a confidence issue, maybe you got an interview comin up, gon propose to your Mrs, whatever you decide that you lacking somethin inside, you should try walkin around with $12,000 in cash in your pocket.” 😂

[@nathanielboyce948]

"You know?! " My man said that so much... Lmaoo

[@dcoolz2383]

This had me crying phenomenal story man 😂 I hope he’s still friends with Jeff 😂

[@Tman0517]

This gotta be the best story I've heard here

[@jorkad9671]

One of my favorite story tellers in this series.

[@p89paulie27]

Logical East New York decisions 😭😭😭

[@ShaeButtaTV]

P89 Paulie 😂😂😂

[@midwestkrazy83turner50]

LMAO

[@Penguinssss]

Great fkn story with a few punchlines and an overall inspirational and genuine moral. Like a fine layered dessert sprinkled with gold.

[@evergreenrider]

This dude is great. First time I heard of him was his first appearance on TINH

[@juansalinas227]

Yo this man funny af and real imma need to see more of him!

[@johndoe-hi6yd]

This story was masterfully told with many unexpected turns! A true gem of a performance.

[@Liquidmetal702]

The Art of Storytelling. Perfectly done

[@luisvalverde3658]

NY in the building ! That was legendary.

[@citypunch82]

He always has the best stories

[@aerowashburns6004]

His dad is awesome you can tell he understands how it is growing up in that area so he tries his best to guide him, and it shows

[@TPbandeezy]

These stand ups are the only thing that’s gets me through work 😂😂

[@ryzen89]

Get a real job 💪

[@hatednyc]

I’m from neighboring Bushwick in Brooklyn - the J is my train, too. It really was still a Wild Place back in the 90’s.

[@stizzlespinizzle]

The reverse drive by! LOL

[@alecrichards8574]

The way he paints the picture, you can just see it like a short film or a bit from a movie. This should make its way into a movie for sure.... Love this life story!

[@OhighOSkater]

Gastor is funny af

[@ThisDique]

Please at least wait till it looks like you commented after watching the video. I have to assume you're some bot inflating views and thumbs up for comedy central and Viacom shit lords. The man's a great comedian and story teller yes.

[@OhighOSkater]

@@ThisDique I don't have to watch the whole video to know that this dudes funny. Just because you don't pay attention to comedy and probably have no idea who he is, doesn't mean everybody knows just as little as you. I've seen plenty of standup done by Gastor to know that he is funny af. Maybe get your head out of your ass and think before you comment

[@evergreenrider]

@@OhighOSkater right? He was funny the last time, why would it be different this time?

[@OhighOSkater]

@@evergreenrider For real. Dustin is the kind of dude that is unhappy unless he's talking shit to somebody lol

[@ThisDique]

@@OhighOSkater comment on something relevant to this video don't just state the obvious 2 minutes after the video is posted probably before you even let the intro play through. Lol comedy central troll accounts must be out rolling deep lol.

[@diaz8483]

damn, i really felt like i was right beside him throughout his whole story.

[@gabrielcooks]

Reppin East New York Gastor!!!! I see you man. Funny thing is I got pizza from the Little Ceasar's over on Fulton yesterday.

[@aliciahoverson]

All of that delicious NY pizza and you got Little Caesars? Man I wanna come there for the food alone 😁

[@gamingwithmaya502]

One of the best stories I've heard in awhile.

[@Mzdedeo]

He did an OUTSTANDING job telling a captivating story! Great job Gastor!

[@stoptheviolence3358]

His unpredictability of story telling is amazing. Your hanging on every line and you can’t even assume what’s next

[@dennisinkwa5233]

Well crafted! By far the most entertaining of the series.

[@KitC916]

been watching this a while; he's one of the best.

[@ef692]

This guy gets no love or recognition. His delivery is so smooth and he's got a great way of telling stories. Check out his special on Spotify

[@franknavarro9015]

That last part about his dad hit the feels..

[@kelechi321]

Wow what an amazing story. I laughed, I cried laughing and then at the end I straight up cried tears of joy. Such a great life story.

[@mikethom059]

One of the best stories yet

[@chloecamp8714]

This clip should be part of every curriculum. It can fit in various classes; social studies, psychology, sociology, economics..... There's a lesson from multiple angles.

[@2012aal]

This may be one of the best Stories I’ve ever heard.

[@ctcmonk]

Wish I could give him two thumbs up...

[@torylanezbaldspot6350]

This guys got a bright future ahead of him… great story teller..

[@RabbitTeaPot]

His Daddy is a better man than most lmfao my old man woulda just killed me

[@reesemartin9242]

Super facts. I wouldn't even came back to the house. Lol my dads a Taurus!!!

[@Skorp-eon]

this was great storytelling such a cool calm collective delivery.