Grief & Christmas | How I'm Managing The First Christmas Without Mum

Managing grief at Christmas is not easy, Christmas is a huge reminder of the loss of Mum and I am missing her so much. In this vlog, I talk about how I have been managing the grief since mum passed away at the beginning of this year and how things had begun to feel a little easier until the Christmas season arrived! I talk about the ways I plan to deal with the grief over Christmas and the festive season (Mostly by escaping and going on holiday with Chris!) and give you all a huge apology in advance if my content isn't overly festive this year!
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Hello, I'm Finn, welcome to my channel! I share first-hand experiences and practical advice on topics of mental health, recovery, and gender transition, as well as my hobbies and general day to day life as an Open University Student and Freelance Content Creator. New video every Tuesday!
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#Grief #Christmas

[@mauriziavilla3958]

My dear Finn I make you a deep hug even if I’m not near you, phisically! The pain for the loss of a mum is immense! I’m making everything everyday to not ‘lose’ my mum that is in an early stage of memory desease. I look into her eyes knowing that one day she wont recognize me. You have made so much for her, giving her affection and joy expecially on Christmas days! It deeply hurts! Be strong Finn you deserve happiness and Chris is with you (and we are ). In your soul and behind your smile there is so much! force and love! Great idea to run away with Chris, get out of there! You’ll find more serenity! Hold on good things! I give you, my dear, a kiss and a sincere hug! 😘

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you, Im sorry you are going through the same thing with your mum, it is really hard. Thank you so much for your kind words

[@jenq436]

My father died in 2015, he was a miserable man. I disliked seeing him at Christmas every year. After he passed suddenly at 61 and I was 41 . Christmas started to become more enjoyable. The stress of seeing him and with the negativity gone , my anxiety started to get better and Christmas was more enjoyable. I know he was my father but I really feel free from him. Anyway, thanks for listening!! By the way, all the best Finn.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I'm sorry your relationship was like that. Makes me sad

[@jenq436]

@@FinnTheInfinncible feeling free from a negative and abusive person is awesome. I just need to get rid of my anger towards him and move forward. Grief is a weird thing. It can go either way and cause sadness or anger.

[@jenq436]

@@FinnTheInfinncible are you close with your brother?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Unfortunately not.

[@jenq436]

@@FinnTheInfinncible I have 1 sister. She lives in the USA with her family. We are not close either. Well Finn, all the best!! Thanks for a great video

[@heidiwood3142]

Goodness. Your heart... What youre dealing with is both general and parallel to what countless people go through, and also specific and unique to you personally and what your soul is experiencing through it all as well. For those reasons i would say, not only is this video a way for so many that are suffering to be able to relate to you and be inspired by you, but it is also a specific glimpse into knowing who YOU are in the face of it all, so those who arent dealing with any of this, are still inspired by your story because we are emotionally connected to you through what you share. It takes tremendous strength to stay sober through immense pain. I know what that takes, it's hard Finn, i hope you are so proud of your own courage. Let my compassion for you, and for the world, be felt through my words to you here.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

What an absolutely beautiful comment, thank you so very much for your kind words. The fact that Ive stayed sober is amazing, I do indeed feel proud because there were times when I thought I was caving in. Sending much love to you, thank you so much for making me smile xx

[@FTMDaniel]

Love you Finn. I’m with you. Mother and Father dead. No family. It’s just me and my kiddo. I feel for you so much right now.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks buddy, l feel for you too, its wierd being parentless isnt it? Much love to you and your kiddo

[@lynnemorris1111]

Oh Finn, sending you a cwtch. I truly feel your grief. I lost my mum in December 18 years ago, and Dad passed in February 2018. It comes in waves. Chris will keep you strong. xx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Waves is exactly how it feels. I'm so sorry you lost yr mum and dad too. Sending huge hugs back to you xx

[@TransKameron]

I’m so sorry Finn. I know this time of the year isn’t easy. It definitely is tough. It’s okay to feel sad, to miss your mum, and to not be overly “Jolly.” You’re lucky to have Chris by your side during this part of the year. I’m wishing you well. I don’t love this time of the year either due to my father and brother dying this month in 1998 and 2012. Enjoy your trip!!!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Oh buddy lm so sorry. Perhaps we need to organise a Christmas retreat for all of us affected by loss and sadness!

[@kaybonner4101]

Sending you love n cuddles Finn,I lost my beautiful Mum in September,she loved Christmas so I'm hiding from it this year.Take care,thinking of you xxxx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless your heart I am so sorry. Hiding is OK isnt it? Thanks for your lovely comment, massive hugs back to you, you are in my thoughts xx

[@kaybonner4101]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Thank you,yes hiding is absolutely ok,whatever you need to do is ok.I hope you're able to get through it the best you can xxx

[@sarahwardle5556]

Oh Finn I just want to reach through the screen,kiss you on the head and wrap you up in a big squishy cuddle.The thing with Christmas is there is no escaping it,its on tv,radio,in shops,newspapers,anywhere you look its there right in your face,and its all happy jolly families getting on well,smiling and laughing,there is no-one sad,bereaved or just struggling.All you can do this year is your best,if all you do is survive that's enough.I know its hard but be kind your self,don't pressure yourself to feel smiley and happy if you actually feel bereft and overwhelmed.I heard an agony aunt once say 'Christmas is just one day,its just 24 hours that you have to survive and then its over' and that is essentially what it is.If you can survive those 24 hours you have succeeded.The fact you have an awesome partner will lessen some of the struggle.I hope all this makes some kind of sense and its not just me rambling.I wish you some peace and happiness this Christmas and I am sending you lots of love and my very best wishes xxx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It makes complete sense, thank you so much. Yes, its so hard to avoid any of it, so one day at a time and it will pass and I shall be able to breathe again!

[@Jwillow1990]

Totally agree it's only 24 hours but it is the build up to it that's the hardest knowing it's coming and it definitely intensifies thinking about people we have lost. I just think it's an opportunity to show love to the people that are still with us.

[@sarahwardle5556]

@@Jwillow1990 I totally agree the build up starts way too early and its EVERYWHERE,you can't escape it.There are no adverts(or almost none)showing people struggling with mental illness,lonely people,grieving people,people in difficult or abusive relationships/families or people generally struggling with Christmas.I think Christmas 2019 is the first Christmas I have ever seen one sole advert showing someone struggling with loneliness.I know sadness and struggle doesn't sell products and that's what shops and brands want to do at Christmas,but a few more adverts showing how a real Christmas is for many people would be so much better,and would show those who may not know just how sad,difficult and painful Christmas can be for some people.Sorry for the essay but its something I feel passionate about

[@dionaleigh1505]

I am so sorry about your mum, Finn, but I am glad you have someone in your corner to help you through this. Also, it's okay if you aren't feeling festive, you've had a loss and are still in mourning, you do not have to explain anything to anyone. I know from my own experiences with loss that *all* the pain doesn't go away, but I do hope you continue to heal. I'm sending love and positive vibes your way! xoxo

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much for such a lovely comment x x x

[@alisonjimagery8974]

I’m going through this, I’m watching this on our first Christmas without her home, and in a home. She’s end stage, I understand what your saying by drowning in grief. I had a similar relationship with my mum, I had addiction problems until last year. I was meant to see your video so thankyou. I couldn’t try for a long time either. Well done for overcoming everything you’ve been through, much love and have a lovely Christmas ❤️

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

My heart goes out to you, the firsts are the hardest, first Christmas, first birthday, urg they are really tough. Thank you for your lovely comment, I am sending much love your way and I hope you can find some peace over the holiday season

[@Moosh207]

Whenever you need some relief from your painful knotted ball of string, hand it to one of us to help look after it for you. Or if you need some help to unpick some or all the knots and unpacking whats in it we are here to listen to what you need to say. I've felt grief in the form of knots as well and it can hurt on a physical level also, really quite painful. Talking to people who are non judgemental, understanding and who really get it can help process things. It's good that you're listening to your needs and creating space by going to Marrakech so you can create some distance while you reflect and define what christmas means to you. You'll always love Mum, you're just trying to find a way to process what's happened. She's always going to be here. I love your rational side and how smart you are at logically piecing things together, I also love your vulnerable side and how your heart feels in the different ways when it talks to you. You have the ability to get through this. And as you said, Chris had never seen you unwell or so sad as you are over the loss of Mum, yet he knows what it means to feel and care for someone he loves and wants the best for. He's a good person, but then we dont need to tell you that, because you already know, and we see it too. Thank you for sharing what is happening for you. You are there for so many people, and by you showing us what's happening for you in the times that you're ready to, it gives us a chance to be there for you too because we love you x x x

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you for always helping me to unknot my ball of string xxx

[@Moosh207]

@@FinnTheInfinncible ❤

[@walkingthroughlife3517]

Finn..... l lost my mum 8 years ago now, the pain and grief is exactly the same now as it was then, she was my best friend & l miss her so much so Christmas is simply not a happy time, it just bring back memories and sadness....Big love.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I'm so sorry you lost your mum too. Yes, it never goes does it? We just get used to carrying it, but it will always hurt. I lost my dad when l was 13 and l still miss him

[@walkingthroughlife3517]

Thanks

[@Juelda]

Spider Robinson, an American author I adore has a quote that has always struck me as true. "Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased . . " I too understand the emptiness of loss. In May of this year, my middle son passed away suddenly, leaving behind two beautiful daughters who are in their teens. I am taking hope in your encouragement, that this can be gotten through. I must admit though, when I catch up with my son again, I am SO going to give him what for! Much love, hugs and squidges and looking forward to seeing Marrakesh through your eyes.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I love that quote and it is so very true, it explains my experience blogging and vlogging, I get so much joy in sharing with others, the highs and the lows. Im so incredibly sorry to hear about your son, that pain must be awful and my heart goes out to you. We do get through it, we learn to live with it and adapt, but nothing ever fills the hole they leave does it? Sending you so much love and I really look forward to sharing our different christmas with you.

[@thezanderomaat]

Lots of love to you, Finn. I wish you so much comfort during this time. Thank you for sharing your grief with us.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you my friend, thats so kind. Thank you for sharing with me

[@charliestrickland6194]

I'm sorry to say I've been away from following you, Finn. I had my own grief at the beginning of the year. However, my deepest sorrow at the loss of your mum. You know I thought the world of her. And you also, dear man. Hope you and Chris enjoy your own holiday. BTW, I still show off my tattoo of "our" non-fork! Ha! Love ya.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

How lovely to hear from you! Im so sorry to hear of your loss too, it makes christmas so hard doesnt it, sending so much love your way. I love that you have that tattoo! Much love to you fella

[@lucaschristian135]

sending you much love brother

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend

[@ASMRLISAMJ]

I totally get where you're coming from...... I lost my mum & Dad at a early age in my 20s am 48 now and Christmas is always a sad one but ive got through it most yrs as i have children however ive recently split from my husband and i feel grief again so i dont wont Christmas either this year as it going to be a strange one"!!!! but i have to remain strong for my children there not babies but still young, i cant even listen to songs :( wish it was January too!!!! have a lovely time away it will do you good take care Finn xxps....... I love your holiday vologs thats how i found you :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I love that you found me that way! I make such a wide range of content now and that's meaning that lm meeting all different kinda of folk and l love it! Sorry you are having a tough time too. Having people we love, you yr kids and me my FurrFurr, really helps to cope doesnt it? Just jump in.my suitcase and well escape to Marrakesh together!

[@ASMRLISAMJ]

Awww i love your channel so much Finn you have been through a lot, you are a lovely soul you brighten up my day when i watch you, Thank you ill get there ( sigh....) I'll meet you at the airport ;)

[@Jwillow1990]

Sending you lovely warm hugs. I totally get where your coming from with not having a great relationship with your mum at the start of transition but then got a good bond caring for her when she was sick. I lost my granddad and my nan within 4 days of each other in January when I was 14 and since then Christmas is not the same. This Christmas was extra difficult because I usually spend it with my parents but this year they went on holiday and both had a chest infection and mum has a bad knee. I was at home with my partner and dog and I talked to a few friends. If it weren't for them I don't know how I would have coped. I am dreading losing my parents. They are all the support I can count on helping me.

[@Jwillow1990]

My nan and granddad basically brought me up and my relationship with my parents wasn't very strong because of undiagnosed ADHD and then transition brought us together as the rest of the family have been sort of cut off from my parents.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Sorry buddy, missed this message. Im sos sorry to hear how you lost your Nan and grandad so quickly, I can imagine how devestating that must have been. Thank goodness for mums eh? Just cherish every second. Sending you a ton of love

[@jennya2439]

Aaw thanks so much Finn the Fabulous - much love to you too 💗💗💗

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Love that thank you!!

[@asimamukhtar5504]

A big, tight hug.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much 🌞

[@lr3521]

My Mum died too just before Christmas although that was over 30 years ago when I was only 5. My wife’s father also passed away 3 days before Christmas a few years ago. It’s not always a jolly time for everyone but thankfully I have a wonderful partner to share it with and I’m glad you do too. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas 🎄

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

So sorry to hear that, thank goodness for amazing partners!

[@emmakateholder5626]

Hey my fav finn 😜 sending humungus hugs and love x I lost my nan on the 10th of December and she was cremated on the 23rd, its so so awful that first Christmas, but you have such an amazing man in Chris, he will help you however you need x p. S, I'm always here if ya need a shoulder too 💕💖💕💖💕

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Oh bless you, thats so incredibly hard, I am so sorry. Yes thank goodness for Chris, and thank goodness for you too, much love xxx

[@jacque883]

Love you love! I’ll be your mum! I know how you feel, I lost my mum and my dad. I know your pain. I’m also in recovery! Sending you lots of love and hugs. You’re so adorable!! 🤗😘😀💋❤️🥰

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yea please adopt me! And thank you, lm sorry your mum and dad too xx

[@jacque883]

FinnTheInfinncible Yes, I will adopt you! I tend to spoil my children, so be prepared! I’m here if you ever need to chat. Much love from California xoxoxo. 😀💋🥰💕

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much, thats incredibly kind of you. And, I shall draw up the adoption papers ;)

[@danielbiggs6085]

Hi Fin I lost my beautiful mum from covid in January. This will be my first Christmas without her. This year has been a living nightmare. Waves of grief come over me regularly. I've been ok for a few months. But now Christmas has turned up. I'm really trying to keep my head above the water. But as you know it's so hard.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

My dear friend I am so very sorry for your loss. The first Christmas, the first anything, after losing someone is incredibly hard. My advice, what worked for me, was to decide what I wanted to do for christmas, there is so much pressure and stress at christmas anyway, pressure to see people, pressure to be all jolly and happy,and this is so much worse with the added grief. So, I decided to just not do Christmas at all! Me and my fiance went on holiday and just caught up with family in the new year. What Im saying is, work out how you can best serve yourself, with losts of gentleness and self care, and ignore any pressure from anyone else to do any thing or feel anything you cant or dont feel. It will get easier in time I promise, this is my third Christmas now and Im actually finding some joy in Christmas this year! Sending much love your way

[@danielbiggs6085]

@@FinnTheInfinncible your so right about the pressure we put on our self's over Christmas. But I know this Christmas will not be merry or happy unfortunately grief doesn't take a holiday. It's so difficult because you don't want to be the moody depressed person so you have to put a brave face on and smile but inside you just want to scream.... I love the idea of what you both did by getting away but it's not the right time for me. I should of planed it abit better

[@ncburton1713]

Hugs! It's completely understandable. Going somewhere else and making new memories during this time is a good idea. Hope you two have a great time. Nova and I are going on our first real vacation a week before Christmas. So, here's to traveling. lol

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah thats awesome, I hope you both have a fabulous time too!

[@oliverg6864]

Sending some love your way Finn! Hope you have a good trip.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so very much! Much love back to you!

[@human78631]

I have so many thoughts and feels after watching this I can't quite put it all into words. So I'll just wish you a wonderful alternative Christmas holiday and send you lots of love and hugs if you want them from a long time viewer.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much. Itll be a lovely and different Christmas!

[@human78631]

Sometimes different is just what we need. May you two have a good time and recharge! 💜 By the way, one of your videos helped me come out a few years back. It was a tough thing to do in my 30s and you were the representation I sorely needed, as an older trans man and a recovering addict. So, uh, thank you :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Well that makes me very very happy. It's not easy to be as open as l am, but reading comments like yours makes it very worthwhile, thank you!

[@jennya2439]

The “firsts” are the hardest. I’m sorry I haven’t watched this because it’s too hard for me. After more than two and a half years I’ve finally gotten through all of the firsts. First Christmas without Mum, my first bday without Mum, first Mums bday without her, first Mother’s Day without Mum, first anniversary of Mums death. Then the following year first Dads bday without him, first Fathers Day without Dad, first Christmas with neither of them, my first bday with neither of them and first anniversary of Dads death 😢. I love and miss them every day but they’ll always be in my heart and their strengths and quirks are in my DNA and reflected in how I live my life without them 😢💗💙

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I love that, really lovely way to think about it, that they are with us in how we live our lives. Dont apologise for not watching, l completely understand and lm so sorry you understand this pain. Thank you so much for sharing with me and for your kind comment

[@jennya2439]

Thank you that’s very sweet and I totally empathise with you too, and you’re welcome ☺️, I connect with your openness and honesty even though I’m not trans and I live on the other side of the world lol; and it inspires me to share with you. It is soooo hard on all of the milestones and family occasions you miss them so much and feel so alone but I know they’re always with me and now that they’re both gone I draw on their love and strength and the way they raised me every day and I see their mannerisms and personalities in myself more and more; and I drawer strength and comfort in all of those things. Nothing can take away the 51 and 52 years I was blessed enough to share with them, even though I still feel cheated that I didn’t get more, I know that they’re resting peacefully together and aren’t in any more pain 💗💙

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I love that. I feel the same about mum. She was rapidly disappearing with the dementia and she wouldnt have wanted that. It was a kind release for her.

[@jennya2439]

FinnTheInfinncible my Mum had Alzheimer’s too, it was so hard to watch her fade away, as it was to watch my Dad fade away physically through old age and emotionally through losing his wife of more than 60 years, so yes I take great comfort that they’re no longer suffering but I still miss them so much 😔

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Sending you so much love

[@soberdoggy]

Love you. I’d just say that you repeatedly say you’re trying to rationally and logically deal with your feelings and that’s not possible...feelings aren’t rational or logical, they’re emotions. You have to just feel them. 💙🙏🏽 I’m so glad you have a wonderful partner!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Wrong choice of words l think! More meaning that lm now able to work through it without thinking about it and having a complete meltdown!

[@pmbluemoon]

Sending you much love and understanding 💖💖💖💖🥰 *Subscriber HUGS!* I know how you feel about sobriety, and I'm glad you have FurFur! I love the both of you, and hang in there and ride the wave, if you need time for yourself, TAKE IT! Bless your heart, my best wishes to you. 😭 It does get easier, incrementally, and I won't lie, it doesn't seem to go away, but it's easier to take. You're a big gift to us as well 🤗✨🎁 If you want to be "bah humbug" That's ok with me, I'm kind of on the same lines this year as well. I don't like the gift giving when I'm broke, the fighting, the deadly russian roulette of "are there any nuts in this??" question constantly, then them being offended that you won't eat their food, and that competitive "I got you something great this year so you can't be the best gift-giver" It get so old! I hated the holidays from a young age, there was always fighting, so I hated the holidays. Now I just hope that I can find one good friend/partner, and "there's no place like home for the holidays" means to me, being with that one special person and doing something fun with them, and I agree with needing the escape! 👍😁 Love you Finn! Take care of yourself and I hope it turns out as well as it can for you! 💖🧡💛💚💙💜

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you buddy, I think we need to escape together and have an anti christmas!!! You are an incredible gift to me. Thank you

[@pmbluemoon]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Aw shucks 🥰 Thank you too and happy anti-christmas to you! 👍

[@nl9807]

Hi i really think youre a nice person and you talking about important subjects!❤️you give me hope!🙏✨all love to you and youre partner!❤️

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much that's so kind

[@pipche6283]

Yes yes make your own Christmas it will get better your so wise and you have a partner at your side who loves you 😍😘

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you, yes, this year we are escaping as a way to reset christmas! Im blessed to have Chris for sure!

[@natashamason3328]

Sending hugs. I've only just started watching your vids after starting with the OU this year, but I love your honesty and warmth. You're so strong. Wishing you peace xxxx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

You are so kind, lovely to have you here and thank you for your kind words xx

[@malcossinclair4230]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Hugz big man. As always, keep going.

[@TheAugustineMachine]

❤️

[@emmakateholder5626]

P. P. S any room in ya suitcase? Me only 4ft 11 lol xxxx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Always room for you! Xx

[@emmakateholder5626]

@@FinnTheInfinncible awwwww fank you xxxx

[@blkonblkenabledred854]

My mum passed in June am a only child my first Xmas coming no family

[@Bloody_Corpses]

i always get a bit depressed at Christmas my dad is usually always hard to get along with and he never told his family about my real identity (they never knew I'm trans) and just faking an identity (having to pretend I'm a cousin) is depressing it's one of the reasons I'm changing my last name and I've always hated valentine's day because I never had a girlfriend in my life so that day always reminds me of being alone forever

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I think its more common to struggle at Christmas, than to enjoy it, especially when you are LGBT. It is so important, to find a new family, that is what I am working on doing, surrounding myself with people who love me and accept me as me , they are our family!