HELP! Am I bisexual or gay?

[@shlomi546]

I just recently came out as gay at age 28. up until then, I described myself as Bi. I think I really wanted to live normally so I said that I could have the option to be with a woman. Throughout the years of defining myself as bi, I never wanted to do anything with women, only with men. I only fantasized about men, but would never admit that, even to myself! I really believed I was bi! I was still closeted. I only came out as bi to my parents. Now that I have finally started to accept my sexuality, different mind patterns from the past try to trick me. voices in my mind saying that I don't belong to the definition of being gay and that I can't win the title, 'Gay'. My mind says the exact thing my dad used to say to me. That I can't be gay and draw beautiful anime women, and that I'll marry a woman. My mind prevents me from accepting myself. when I was closeted I was a yes man to every woman who tried hitting on me. that led me to sleep with 2 women. it was very frightening to sleep with them. so every time I see a beautiful lady my mind tells me to be a yes man and agree if she asks me out, that's what I mean by mind patterns from the past. I was living as someone who was not authentic to himself. And now my wants are still very weak vs heteronormative ideals I still have programmed in my mind.

[@johndaniel6443]

welcome to the club lovely!

[@shlomi546]

Thank you @@johndaniel6443

[@Th3UMPC]

This was me too. Came out last year at 27.

[@Kenneth-p6j]

I used to identify myself as bi because it was "safer" but deep inside I was attracted to men only. Due to my insecurity, I labeled myself as bi but in reality Im gay.

[@donkeim434]

When I left my wife everyone told me what a jerk I was. But you know what? She didn't. She never did. It may have even been a relief , I don't know. What I do know is it was getting toxic and we are both better off apart. We also have a girl and a boy. We are now friends, talk alot. Our daughter is fine, our son has not spoken to me since, but I don't/can't take the blame for that - I did, but I no longer do. I learned, at the rate of $95 per hour, once a week for many months, that it is what it is.....Love you guys, keep it up.

[@joemalick]

A very interesting topic, this one hit me close to home. I struggle every day because I sincerely do feel that I am bisexual, because I am married for 20 years and love my wife, but I also do find men attractive (though I’ve never been with one). I was taken by your comment that societal pressures of “not being gay” could possibly cloud or suppress someone’s determination of their true sexuality. Since I was raised in a strict Christian household, it’s making me question if that is what I have been doing all along, or am I truly bisexual, and I simply have chosen one sex over the over as my partner/spouse. I definitely have some deep introspection to do, thank you for addressing the topic in this episode.

[@ineffablemars]

I just hope we can live in a world one day when sexuality isn’t so strictly labeled and people can just be who they are without feeling like others are judging them.

[@dudieb]

I get that some people feel like they need labels but I just personally dont like them. I think it is just a matter of who you love. I thoght I was straight until in my mid 20’s I met a woman and fell in love. We were together for 35 years until she passed away. After that I could not even imagine being with another woman but I couldn’t imagone being with a man either. Neither appealed to me but I find that there are times when I am attracted to certain woman and also to certain men and that could be a straight woman or a gay man. Don’t get me wrong I am not so delusional that I think a straight woman or gay man will fall for me but because of this I came to the conclusion that I do not fit under any of the established labels and since I could not come up with a label that fit I choose to not be labeled. I am just a person who should be allowed to love who ever I want, as long as they are of legal age and consenting of course. I think that as human beings we are too caught up in labeling ourselves in religion, race, sexuality, politiclly, etc. We talk about all of us being the same but we keep labeling ourselves which keeps us divided.

[@LordJazzly]

Alright - this one took a while to sort through, because - although I've got a policy of not discussing my private life (or anyone else's) online, I will say that I might know more than a few bisexuals. *cough* So it's a bit closer to home. But anyway - I think when it comes down to it, the guys are right, the first thing to worry about is figuring out what your own situation _is_ (and how that affects you) before you worry about how other people _might_ have been affected by it. I will also say - gay or bi (or anything else), everybody's going to understand how much of a weird and difficult process figuring this stuff out can be; of the bi people I know, approximately _all_ of them are well aware of 'bisexual' being a soft landing place for people who are coming to terms with actually being not any kind of straight at all. And _none_ of them begrudge other people making use of that; it's a tough time of life, people get it. (Equally, you'd be _shocked_ by the number of bi dudes I know of who came out as 'gay' first, because of how much of a cultural divide there still is between homosexuality and heterosexuality, particularly in men. Which is to say - as much as there can be this idea that you know for sure, pick one, and stay forever, that's not _always_ how it works. _Often,_ it is, as you'll be able to tell from the other comments here. But sometimes it ends up being weirder and more complicated. But you do figure it out eventually, whichever way things go.)

[@LordJazzly]

And, obviously - you use these words as a way of describing how you feel, what you want, and how you live your life. They're not a to-do list, and you shouldn't feel like you need to change the way you feel, stop doing things you love, or do things you don't want to do, because of a word you're trying to use to describe yourself and what's going on in your life. There's not much point in 'coming out' if you're just stepping into a different sort of closet.

[@justinh8417]

I had a bi “transition” period as well but I do think it is us clinging onto to our last semblances of the possibility of a “normal life” as society would accept. Fortunately society is changing & it’s not as much as a need now but I imagine it’s even harder for someone w/ an established hetero life to come to terms internally

[@PaladinesAngel]

I think it’s important to keep in mind our sexuality does not define us completely. It’s an important part of who we are, but it isn’t the only part. We have SO many facets that make up who we are. It’s ok to be “figuring that part out” and also be many other things that are just as important. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself about this part of who you are. We don’t set out to hurt others on the whole. Be extra kind to yourself right now Frank, find things that make you feel good, and let the future arrive in its own time. And when you are ready explore at your own pace. But always remember you are more than who you are attracted to. There’s no rush.

[@ineffablemars]

This is the best comment I’ve seen here and completely agree.

[@PaladinesAngel]

💓

[@damianleah6744]

Sexuality is complicated, but you have to be true to yourself to be happy, then you can be comfortable in your own skin. Some people an do this at a very young age. My experience was it took a while, some just can’t reconcile it to themselves, usually because of family and outside pressures. I have certainly lied to people, apart from anything else it’s non of their business. Your sexuality is deeply personal to you.

[@violamateo-on8pc]

Joel, in all the years I've been watching your videos, I have to say that this is the HAPPIEST that I've ever seen you!

[@happyhealthyhomo]

Aww, thank you! That's so sweet 💛

[@orielwiggins2225]

What a tough situation. But one that I assume so many have been in similarly. And I agree, the best place to start is with tons of self compassion, as that will get you where you need to go, especially as far as knowing yourself fully and knowing when and how to approach your ex, should you find it needful going forward. Sending love to you, "Frank. "

[@daniellerichard1385]

Keegan is just incredibly eloquent and insightful into the human condition. Love you both! Hello from sunny Melbourne.

[@richleaves]

I was always attracted to the same sex at a very young age, even before I knew what sex was. So, I never understood when someone finds out that they are gay. I find it very interesting that someone can be bisexual or not know they are gay; it's just not something that I can relate to.

[@jeffwatkins352]

You two are so good together, so at ease, really enjoying each other while giving such sharp practical advice yet so replete with empathy. Don't know if I'll ever be able to afford your Patreon, being a septuagenarian on the tightest of fixed incomes. Only hope you'll sometime make those lovely mugs available for purchase by folks like me. My grateful thanks for your videos. You really brighten my life.

[@pamisntcraiganymore]

This was an honest and thoughtful conversation. I agree we all need to treat ourselves and others with compassion. We rarely do, instead opting to hate ourselves for our faults. I would only add that there seems to be room for friendship with the ex at some point. Maybe after you both heal and have time and space away from the event you can try for that.

[@richardorchard8554]

I think it’s interesting to read about the Kinsey scale, about how most people are a little bit bi, with it being quite individual where each of us sits on that scale. For me, at 54, looking back there was never any doubt that I have always been 100% homo. I did try to fight it though and thankfully didn’t start a relationship with a woman and then have to bail on her. What I’m saying is that societal expectation can make you try on a false way of living even when I was 100% a man’s man. To me sex with a woman seems like using a left handed can opener. I’m just advising- be gentle on yourselves. Sometimes, especially when you are attracted to women at least somewhat or quite a bit, you may need to try things on before you commit. There’s more going on in a life relationship than just sex and sexuality- there’s compatibility friendship companionship and even a bit of parenting (that goes both ways). My fella ticks every box, he is a saint. Being bi, you may well need more than one sex partner. I once loved a bisexual and unfortunately he had that horror about being attracted to men, the need for women, and I had to set him free which was devastating. You may even find that an unconventional household is where you end up- the girl you clicked with so thoroughly may be a lifetime partner. You may both negotiate to play with other men and women to scratch that itch, you might even end up living in a threesome. Talk to her about it if you think that may be a way to try. If in fact you try men and think “ah yes this is my preferred game”, then follow that path.

[@ajaxon319pldunbar]

Keegan & HRH Prince Joel, congratulations on season 5! This was another great episode. I liked that you pointed out that life's journey is going to be paved with mistakes made. I have intentionally & unintentionally hurt family & friends with my words and actions. You just try to learn and improve daily. When you know better, you should try and do better. As I've grown older (I'm 60 years old now), I believe that I've learned to give people more grace, more forgiveness for slights, misdeeds, broken hearts, and a gambit of other offenses. Perhaps most importantly, I am going RIGHT NOW to sign up for Patreon so that I can be a member & get my hands on one of your fancy mugs...by "your fancy mugs" I mean those stylish Happy Healthy Homo coffee/tea mugs, not your faces...although I still hope to offer you both a big, ol' American friendly hug & cheek peck someday. Looking forward to season 5. You're off to a great start. Oh, and a shout-out to Behind-the-Scenes Harry.

[@jeangenie1240]

That lingo-linguist comment was neat!

[@PhilipSteeves]

Might be a good idea to give it a shot before you decide!

[@darkomegahawk4759]

Take everything as a learning experience every day as a learning experience. You didn't have your kids out of malice. And from there you'll be able to find out the answers you need.

[@dawnevans157]

Be good if you sold the mugs on a store on here as well as Patreon.

[@danielintheantipodes6741]

But it is no one's business whether we are gay, so why it is a 'lie' to say that we are not? I do believe that we should tell people to 'mind their business' if they ask us if we are gay (whether we are or not) but it is not a lie if we say we are not! (It may be different in a marriage.) Thank you for the video!

[@krohcid]

I've always been attracted to dudes since the age of 13 and never questioned it once. (currently 26) I just love schlong that much, but can't find a good relationship to start cuz I don't like hook-ups and I don't know how else to meet guys in-person or online. Does anyone know good ways to meet good dudes?

[@dawnevans157]

I wonder sometimes why we need to label ourselves if your bi some say are you behng greedy or if your gay how do you know if never had sex with a woman people just can't understand others sexual identity is personal to them.

[@gregstewart6126]

My experience with bi-guys is they call themselves bi around gay men but never with women or family. Since you’ve “come out” and started to define your life. Keep moving forward. Honestly, get involved with a gay exercise group (like Keegan’s) and meet like minded guys interested in defining their lives in a healthy way. DO NOT dive into dating sites!!!! Keegan can steer you to his group. Be safe, be strong, be healthy! Those should be the tent poles in your life. You WILL meet the man you’re suppose to be with from that effort! Cheers from Tallahassee Florida! Greg

[@mikiewifnoe360]

I assume this is a male who has only had sex with women. But he wonders if he might be bi. Why does he feel this? When he has sex with these females, is he actually enjoying the experience? If he has not had sex with a male, is there a desire to do so? I am confused a bit. Was the female he was involved with also Bi? I see no reason to break away from his best friend over this. As long as one is honest and open, friends can be had. A friend can help in determining if you are indeed gay or not, assuming she wants to be friends with this contingency. Do not stress over not knowing if you are gay or not. Time will tell; just be honest with anyone in your life, and all will be revealed.

[@Ameroff1982]

I know what a linguist is, but whats a lingo-ist? I should look it up on the urban dictionary.

[@autumnalfoliage]

You got mugged! ☕️

[@brentdillahunty3314]

Joel, you ARE a linguist. However, you’re NOT a cunning linguist.🤭 Now, Keegan might have been one in the past, but that was then and this is now.

[@Halfscotboy_39]

Can this channel be changed to 'Happy Healthy Humans'. I'm gay myself but I don't like this word HOMO either. It just encourages homophobes to to keep doing it or the word P**F or Q***R! Any time I hear a character in any coming of age film where i don't know thats not gonna happen or some tv programme when theres a homophobic person or people, I have to switch it off an watch something less mentally scarring still after so many years after I was at primary school and a sort of secondary where people have been struggling to cope and their were kids with behavioral problems and students that might have been in hospital for weeks or a month after serious ops an struggle to catch up with the homework. I am the last one i just put. I have scoliosis and was in hospital in edinburgh 25 or 26 years ago for two ops an a big irish surgeon Mr Michael McMasters took 2 rib grafts from my sides an inserted them onto my curved spine. I still got bullied by other students long after healing from the ops...then a year later in 98' i stood near the living room door in our old house and my youngest sister rush in without noticing me and the door banged my back so badly that my parents had to rush me back into hospital AGAIN 🏥 because I couldn't move at all and my spine was so painful and I experienced pins an needles which actually happened to me and I had to go under the knife one final time. It was horrific! 😮 I haven't lived with family for a long time now...thank god! 🙄 so nobody to rush in a living room door to do or say something they need to say or do. Can I ask a personal question about keegan to you please joel. Q: How did you feel when you first found out keegan was married to a woman and has kids? Did he always feel he had feelings for men deep down or was being gay a sort of way of breaking away from old fashioned stereotypical st8 marriage?

[@johndaniel6443]

you coming in LOUD on the left.

[@jeffhampton2767]

Anybody out there a gay conservative?

[@pridan94]

I'm more moderate

[@gusleybighusley6062]

yes !

[@ineffablemars]

I think it’s morally wrong and absurd to be gay and conservative. Many conservatives would like to see you dead just for your sexuality.

[@LUCKYTIGER8]

The famous old adage in the Gay community. ‘’BI NOW - GAY LATER’’ (Buy now Pay Later)

[@maxmax-hv4ck]

No, there are no “bisexual people” if we mean sexual orientation. There are only people with bisexual behaviour. The tendency of late to insist that “bisexuality is a variation of sexual orientation” is just a capitulation by psychologists who simply cannot do anything else to prevent suicide and depression among gays with cases of extremely sever internalized homophobia. That’s why psychologists have agreed to tell them they are “bisexual people”. I totally understand their reasons - not everyone is really capable of being totally honest to himself/herself.

[@andrew20146]

You might want to reflect on why you are so invested in the non-existence of bisexuality as a sexual orientation. If you look at the polling of sexual orientation by generation, for each successive generation, more and more of that generation identify as LGBT, from 0.8% of the silent generation and 2.6% of boomers, up to 10.5% of millenials and 20.8% of Gen Z. For those younger generation, who presumably faced less homophobia and internalized homophobia, more of them identify as bisexual than gay. I think internalized homophobia more likely leads bisexual people to identify as straight (among older generations) than gay men to identify as bisexual.