Have we banned magic from our family?

[@scurvgirl]

Hi! I am a pediatric speech language pathologist (speech therapist) who works with children 18 months and older. There are a lot of really good points in this video about explaining to children how things work and reassuring them when a fantastical concept alarms them. That said, we know in cognitive development that children often go through a magical thinking period that is totally normal as they begin to work through cause and effect and why things happen. This magical thinking includes imagination, dramatic play, and fantasy. Concrete thinking comes after magical thinking as cause and effect concepts solidify. My issue with the hard number of "no fantasy until 6" ignores that not every child develops in the same timeline in this way. For example, I have a lot of 4-5 year old clients who LOVE fantasy, they make monsters out of play-doh, love fantastical stories, and have a wonderful time with it. They also understand that it isn't reality. The way I generally approach this topic is just "fantasy to the toleration of the child". Sounds like Rupert really likes concrete, realistic concepts - love that for him. The three year old girl I work with who loves to be a princess fighting dragons? Love that for her. We use reality to reassure when fantasy is scary, but we can also use fantasy to help fantasy based problems. I'll pull from personal experience - I had debilitating nightmares as a child, they were persistent and no amount of "it's not real" solved it. What DID solve it was being presented a toy dragon that magically protected me. Fantasy problems require fantasy solutions and reality based problems require reality based solutions. Because this is the internet - this was all said with the intention of having a respectful conversation. None of this is said with a tone of "you're wrong!" and more of a tone of "great points! Here's what I know to add to this conversation." I hope you have a lovely day :)

[@marisokami5259]

i am not interested in being a parent so the very idea of raising a small child is foreign to me but i am curious as to how well nightmares were explained to you? the things in the nightmare might not be real but the experience very much is, it's also a common misconception that people can't feel pain in dreams (which people should be careful about telling kids) it's really just a nitpick you can ignore since it's just a personal opinion that i thnk "is not real" is not an accurate description of a dream because i'm pedantic. solving it with a magic toy might work but i'm also curious to how you would make sure it doesn't backfire, they'll find out eventually that they toy isn't really magic, and yet it still worked. i think you're totally right about how you should keep fantasy at a distance depending on the child's needs. but i think the most important thing isn't what one does or doesn't do but that with jessica's parenting you can tell that they have thought through their plans for a long time before having kids and really thinking about why they do what they do. not that i don't think your caregivers didn't, but i think the real core of the thing is that the toy wasn't a quick fix, it was a well thought out attempt to help when other things didn't work and if it hadn't worked your caregivers would've likely kept looking for the best way to support you. if it is the best option then it shouldn't be discounted just out of the desire not to lie alone but because nowadays we have much more resources to figure things out which works both ways, sometimes more explanations are needed, sometimes a parent needs to read up some more or ask a psychologist to help, and sometimes they can say with certainty that the toy dragon rules

[@bitchenboutique6953]

I’m pretty sure the main thing that Montessori expresses is that every child will progress at their own natural pace, so the idea of “no fantasy before 6” isn’t a hard rule.

[@lisastenzel5713]

So nice to add at the end, that your intentions weren't to fight. But I gotta say, you did an incredible job showing that with your choice of words. I didn't read it with picking up on any negative tone. Communication in comments or texts is very hard. I always am mad at myself, when I commented while almost falling asleep. My brain then skips a few communication must-dos. 😅 Your job sounds so great! Thanks for taking care of the little precious ones ❤

[@scurvgirl]

@marisokami5259 The biggest take away I can give is that being sensitive to the needs of the individual child is the most important aspect of parenting or helping a child develop, there is no one universal approach to parenting that will work for every child. And I by no means am saying Jessica and Claudia are doing anything but being the best moms for Rupert they could be!! I am merely speaking from my knowledge of development. Regarding the nightmares, I don't remember how they were explained. I brought it up as an example of how fantasy can be used positively with a child. Also, as a medical provider in the US, I am very aware that saying "refer to a psychologist" is really not accessible to a lot of families (it was not for mine, also this was the 90s). Every child I have worked with has varied in their fantastical leanings, and I work primarily with neurodivergent children. One 5 year old I worked with loved everything spooky, she THRIVED at Halloween. Meanwhile a 5 year old boy hated fantasy because it was too overwhelming, too scary - give him some trains, maybe a toy robot and he was good to go. Same age, similar abilities, very different approaches to fantasy. In the end, I really just wanted to emphasize the "individual difference will arise in this topic and flexibility to meet the child where they are" is encouraged. :

[@LoveLadyMJ]

Yes! I'm a psychology student and you've explained this so much better than I could 🤗

[@scalylayde8751]

I think taking your cues from the child (which is the essence of montessori in my understanding anyway) is super important. My parents didn't want to celebrate christmas and do the whole santa claus thing, but then when I went to preschool, I came home crying and asking them why santa didn't visit me that year, and so they decided to do it. I wasn't scared of the thought of him breaking into the house at all because I took all my cues about safety from the adults around me. If they weren't concerned, I wasn't concerned. Early belief in fairytales and magic shaped who I am to an incredible degree. My drive to prove that dragons must be real (because why else would every culture in the world talk about them?) ultimately led to my passion for anthropology and archaeology, which is what I studied in school. My outlook on the world comes from making sense of fantasy elements and magic and explaining how they are "real" in their own way. If I had been told "oh that's not real" as a kid, I don't know how I would have come out as an adult. Although an important note to this is that 1) this is just my experience and not all kids are the same and 2) I don't remember ever *asking* my parents if things were real or not, and I don't think lying to me directly would have been good.

[@jessicaoutofthecloset]

You're right! Taking cues from children is so important.💖

[@dado__]

I would note that for some children, make believe includes acting out fantastical situations, and I don't think there's harm in that as long as they know that at the end of the day, it's not a real thing. It's very exciting to slay a dragon as a valiant knight or ride to the fairy kingdom on a unicorn, but they don't have to be real to be fun. And I'd really rather a kid act out slaying that dragon than pretending to be a cop and catching a bad guy. One is clearly fantastical and divorced from reality, but while the other *does* occur, policing in general is a lot more ugly and aligned with systematic oppression.

[@cariiinen]

Absolutely! Even as adults, fantasy is lots of fun and we still know it's not real.

[@jessicaoutofthecloset]

Great point! Fantasy play can definitely be harmless and fun!

[@cronchyskull]

Hot take: slaying dragons is bad. Dragons are only fantasy today because we hunted them to extinction! (/j)

[@silversleeper1193]

I still disagree with the idea of excluding or explaining away fantasy. There is psychological benefit in the belief of what could be. Not everything has to be logical and practical. There’s also benefits to teaching children how to deal with their fear. “It’s not real” doesn’t work when the fear is heights or losing mummy or the dark.

[@Tessa_Gr]

"What could be" is not fantasy, it's imagination. And that is highly encouraged. Fantasy is by definition sth that can never be and is not real in any way. I think the video explained really well why it is not necessary for children to learn about things that are 100% not true and can never be true as something that is real.

[@silversleeper1193]

@@Tessa_Gr It depends on how you’re interpreting my words. I am meaning what is possible on a fantastical plane. You can imagine fantasy topics. There’s no more harm in a child imagining to be a princess (real) than there is them imagining to be a princess who fights dragons (not real, but possible in a fantasy world). That kind of imagination has benefits too. I’m not saying she didn’t explain their reasoning, I’m just saying I disagree with it.

[@MissMoontree]

Thing is, there are fears that are real and not. But teaching a kid that tv and books aren't reality is good. The only upside I can imagine of a child really believing fantasy is for it to discover through critical thinking why elephants exists and fire breathing dragons don't.

[@danielmalinen6337]

Also, isn't it also natural for us humans to create and tell stories regardless of whether they are true or not and thus put our storytelling imagination and creativity to use as our ancestors have done long before writing was even born?

[@python_b]

​@@danielmalinen6337 You are totally right. Folklore emerges in any social group no matter how long ago or recent. It is considered natural for humans to tell stories. Earliest human societies had folklore, and even modern children still have their own distinct folklore traditions (childlore) which varies among cities, countries and social groups. And children believe in foklore, be it stories about summoning Bloody Mary, or ancient myths about spirits dwelling in the woods to scare children off from wandering into the forest. While this is a dig at Montessori, not at Kellgren-Fozard, this sounds like an attempt to minmax early childhoor development, and not that effective one. If we look into the variation in, well everything (academic performance, social development, unmeasurable human decency), between adults who believed in fantasy as children we can see it is so large that we simply can't conclude that fantasy has any (significant) detrimental effect.

[@aimeecentaine]

My mum did a clever thing where she explained Christmas was a big game of pretend that we all (the world) play together. So we were all pretending that we believed that Santa was in the north pole and brought presents, and because we were all playing pretend there was no risk of us panicking about a stranger in the house or telling other kids that Santa was fake or struggling with reality and fantasy.

[@SpyderQueen1988]

I really love this explanation! Your mum sounds incredible! ❤

[@aimeecentaine]

@@SpyderQueen1988 she's delightful 😊 one of my favorite people

[@draughtoflethe]

That's very similar to how I always thought I would handle Christmas if I ever had kids. I'm glad to hear it worked out so well :)

[@Dunybrook]

Teaching children critical thinking is probably one of the most important things you can do. Montessori itself is a philosophy that shouldn't be adhered to dogmatically, especially since not all aspects of it are scientifically proven, such as children not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality before age 6. I was very much into fantasy and science ficiton and even horror from a young age but somehow never believed in things like Santa Claus which didn't hold up to scrutiny. It was always a little awkward dealing with other children my age who did though. Conversely, I also preferred Sesame Street to Mister Rogers because the latter was very careful to always distinguish between fantasy and reality while the former allowed for more unimpeded flights of fancy. Each to their own.

[@jeroenimus7528]

Guess you wrote a decent summary of the comment I just made. Seems to me Montessori has intuited the issue but failed to penetrate to the source. Given the scientific development at the inception of the Montessori style and the subtle but omnipresent repression of Critical Thinking I am not surprised this issue never got fully fleshed out.

[@Ciara_Turner]

I much prefer the idea of introducing fantasy as something "not real" than my misconception of the montessori which was just ignoring it until they were older. I do think there's so much joy that can be found in escapism and imagination but for kids that young it can sure be terrifying sometimes I love fantasy and magic and all things whimsical but my love for it started later in adolescence, if done appropriately I think this style of teaching how the world works makes a lot of sense

[@justinamoniz]

I'm very similar. My love for all things fantasy didn't develop until I was older and I remember being genuinely terrified of several fantasy things (the Easter Bunny!) when I was younger.

[@silver1step]

As a child I confused fantasy for reality so being introduced to fantasy as something not real instead of being expected to figure it out on my own would have been nice lol. Especially when religion is very "magical" I just assumed it was all 100% real only to be rather disenchanted for a period of time later ( don't worry I love fantasy very much today though not religion so much).

[@justinamoniz]

@silver1step Same on the loving fantasy and not so much religion.

[@Orynae]

I've always loved fantasy, since I was tiny, but my parents never tried to tell me it was real. Of course it's imaginary, but why would that take away from the fun? Confused about how that seems to be a revolutionary concept here.

[@tinnie75]

@@silver1step Depending on how religious someone is, they may not want to admit that not all of the stories are exactly real. Which I guess adds another possible layer to this whole thing. Like talking about dragons as if they're real is not okay but talking about some religious miracles is?

[@insertname1857]

4:05 this is called echolalia! its a common way for infants and young children to learn to speak. they store sentences or single words with the same tone of voice and intonation and use them in varying situations, which also shows learning connections between similar situations. and many of us autistic people continue to keep echolalic phrases all the way to adulthood

[@Pfpfpfpfpf2020]

Scripting gets me through so much of life lol

[@insertname1857]

@@Pfpfpfpfpf2020 right lmao, i have scripts for pretty much every situation. but it gets so hard when the other person in the conversation decided to deviate from the script i wrote. then i just stand there buffering like a video when the wifi goes out

[@shadow_song]

a common one, in my country at least, is reacting to something that took you by surprise, like dropping something on the ground unexpectadly or accidentally brushing up against the next person, with "OW!" and immediately apologizing lol because it did not, in fact, actually hurt

[@Leminie9907]

Yeah, I'm autistic and still do it haha

[@SpyderQueen1988]

​@@shadow_songI do this all the time! Glad I'm not the only one, my partner thinks I'm a drama queen! 😂

[@eireannbullimore7763]

I feel 0-6 if far too large an age range for, well anything really. Early childhood is typically separated out almost year to year paediatricly. Children develop SO much year after year when they are that young. They can learn whole concepts so very quickly that I just can't see "No Fantasy until 6 years old" making sense in any capacity. There shouldn't be any hard rule about fantasy except ensuring they know difference between it and reality, and parents can direct that at whatever age they feel appropriate. Other than thinking that age range is just way too large to be a singular developmental period in any sense I can't give any particular opinion on when and whether children should be introduced to fantasy. My real life was so horrific right from birth that fantasy was an absolute must in my life. But obviously that would make for a hideously biased opinion.

[@Kunabee]

What differentiates fantasy and religion? I know a lot of kids who grew up terrified of God. I know a lot of kids who found shelter in fighting dragons. Idk I think Montessori paints a TON of things with a far too large brush, and this "no fantasy" is one of them. The concept of child led is perfect, but then Montessori goes and... insists on leading the child. Hm.

[@bluecobaltsteph2689]

I was thinking “I bet they (Montessori, not Jessica and Claudia) allow religious fantasy.” Which would make no sense whatsoever.

[@littlefoxglove276]

wait, is montessori aligned with a religion? i assumed it was secular

[@bluecobaltsteph2689]

@@littlefoxglove276 no but it came from Italy so pretty sure they allow religious supernatural belief.

[@bluecobaltsteph2689]

Religion is by definition supernatural.

[@FaiaHalo]

THIS EXACTLY!!! I kept wondering the same thing! How do you tell a child that dragons and unicorns are definitely not real but that God is? If both cannot be proven. It's such a tricky thing. And when a child is allowed to explore and learn critical thinking skill, I believe that they are going to reach that question sooner or later.

[@GreenGiant96]

I never believed fantasy was real, but it was still a very important part of my childhood!

[@michaelnewton5873]

You live in Britain, Thomas the Tank engine is a thing at his age. I am sure he knows Locomotives don't talk. Nor do construction equipment like in Bob the builder. Kids are smarter than we think.

[@Oceansongster]

This philosophy honestly makes me kind of sad. Fantasy aspects of play were some of the best parts of my childhood and strongly contributed to my love of reading. While I read a variety, fantasy is still by far my favorite genre. My kids are the same and my oldest creates all kinds of original creatures with his artwork (he’s 13 now).

[@Scipio0404]

I think this should not be the default, but rather tailored to your own kids needs. Do they have problems with fantasy? Did they show signs of distress or communicated it when fantasy things were brought up? If yes then yeet fantasy after ofc explaining that it's not real and etc., if not then no. On a different note maybe I'm just blind but I haven't seen any proper studies about those four planes of development and other mentioned things that the founder of Montessori claims to have observed.

[@juliarose3826]

fascinating. I'm of mixed opinions on this, I don't think I like it, but interesting to learn a bit of this perspective.

[@shadow_song]

yeah, i really don't think this is a good idea since the child will miss out on so much. but to each their own i guess

[@calliemyersbuchanan6458]

How do you teach them to be respectful to the fantasy and those who believe it themselves though? For example, when all his friends believe that santas real, or interacting appropriately with costumed characters at Disney (talking to them as if they are the character irl), or (and here's a BIG one) respecting people who believe in particular religious deities. Context for that last one, my husband and I are atheists but my dad is a devout evangelical christian who I know will want to tell my child about jesus and god as soon as they will listen...Im still unsure how to approach all of this.

[@jwb52z9]

The way I understand their life is that Rupert won't have friends for a long time who might have been raised and allowed to think fantasy is real.

[@JudyCZ]

This is a really good question, I hope Jessica talks about that in the future. Even if their plan is for Rupert not be around that many children, that's not really plausible for almost any other family.

[@armie4172]

I grew up atheist but was never really taught what stance to take on religion- I was told quite firmly to respect my religious grandmother’s practices but I had both fantasy and science included in what was presented to me at home from a very young age. I basically just ended up thinking my religious grandmother and religion in general was ridiculous and never grew out of that opinion because as much as I adore fantasy to this day, I was always clear it wasn’t real. Basically I wanted to believe in fantasy and pretended it was real but knew the difference between that and actually truly believing in the supernatural.

[@Natalie-101]

I wish you the best of luck with the last part. In my opinion, I was very lucky to be raised without a deity, mainly because my less religious parent was the one whose family lived close to me, and my more religious parent assumed the other was raising me religious so rarely stepped in in that area. I'm grateful that I had a solid knowledge of the issues and inaccuracies of supernatural religions before that side of the family decided to try to influence me. I'm not a parent so I can't give informed advice, but maybe make sure they have strong historical and scientific knowledge about the ideas you think your dad might use, like explain how we know how old the earth is, or why praying helps some people achieve their goals but that it isn't talking to anyone real, or evolution with things like dinosaurs or explaining why we didn't "come from monkeys" but we have the same great great grandpa. For respect maybe explain why it makes people feel good, or that some people learned it before they learned about those facts, and it's not our job to make them understand the facts. You can emphasize that as long as they aren't hurting themselves other people, it's ok to do things not everyone agrees with.

[@salemsaberhagan]

As someone who grew up in a religious environment with a heavy dose of mythological storytelling (which is essentially fantasy in a lot of scenarios but not all), I personally was never really explicitly told whether a story was "real" or "unreal," just that it was a story. I was told that all stories are not always real. For context, I would also ask grownups to tell me "stories from when they were little" which are by default assumed as factual events that happened to them. The connection that mythology isn't all real was not explicitly specified. I was left to make that connection on my own. This is compatible with Hinduism & other comparatively softer belief systems oriented towards nature worship, not sure how it'd work with religions that go heavier on the proselytism & DO YOU BELIEVE attitude like Christianity or Islam, neither am I in any way familiar with your child specifically. I tend to weave everything I see & hear into one big tapestry that makes sense to me & the inside of my head tends to be really organized & I'll go down Wikipedia or encyclopaedia rabbit holes for hours doing research or pester a grownup who I assume should know about it when some information doesn't fit with other information I know (that is how I was confused about why "elements" in science at school were so different from elements in the mythical settings until I had a teacher in 9th grade who I respected & trusted enough to ask that question explicitly & got told that those are two entirely different things). This makes me seem like I have a great memory but I'm basically working with connections pinging back from one concept to another. Anyways, getting to the point of this. You can inform your child just enough to leave the decision up to them. For all they care, Jesus is Superman for grandpa's generation. They can engage with information without accepting it as true. Children are capable of parsing fact & fiction. They can decide whether they want to be religious or not when they're older & they've collected enough information from all sorts of sources. However, not being mean to people who believe things that you consider untrue is something that you'll have to teach them explicitly. With Rupert, I believe the level of respect they offer others in terms of asking their pronouns & the sensitivity of asking about "their adult" without explicitly being given such instruction indicate that it won't be difficult for them to navigate those sorts of conversations where someone might believe something that they do not.

[@mosheontoast]

Im really torn about this because I can't really specifically disagree with any of the reasoning but fantasy meant SO much to me as a kid, even before 6, and I would be heartbroken if my kid grew up and expressed they wished they'd been allowed to experience that too. It sounds like its right for Rupert with how hes responding but I just can't get my head round it as a general principle?

[@cariiinen]

They don't ban fantasy, though, they just give their child context and explain that it's not real. A big part of montessori is observing and responding to a child's interest. So I'm sure he gets to develop whatever interests are important to him.

[@mosheontoast]

@@cariiinen Right, I understand the distinction but a lot of kids find a lot of fun and expression with fantasy that isn't possible just with imagination. I was obsessed with vampires and witches and that was my favourite kind of make believe, I emulated those costumes and a lot of the lore and loved folk stories like Grimm because half the fun is never knowing if it was just a tale that evolved over the years or if it was based on something real. So much of my early interest in art and music was around fantasy in that way, it was incredibly formative for me, I just can't imagine being the person I am if I had been raised Montessori. It's a psychologically interesting approach but I can't quite agree with it morally

[@insertname1857]

i am the same. i fundamentally think what jessica is doing goes against my morals. fantasy is my life and has been since i was born. life honestly sounds dull and pointless without fantasy

[@mosheontoast]

@@insertname1857 I totally that, I also think it's tricky to evaluate how much of that comes from trauma tho. It is also true for me that I was a troubled/traumatized kid and I used fantasy as an escape, so how much of my love.of fantasy was actually a psychological function that isn't needed in a healthy and happy household? Not sure, but I think the responsiveness part of Montessori could maybes leave some flexibility around the fantasy stuff

[@cariiinen]

@@insertname1857 I'm very curious to hear more! I really enjoy fantasy as well (in books, media, or just daydreaming). But I don't think differentiating between reality and fantasy takes away the fun. I read a lot of fantasy as a preteen and found it a great escape/ room for imagination. At that age, I was also aware that these things where not real. How about you? Do you think you would have had a difference experience as a child? Or maybe you would have enjoyed your fantasy stories and pretend play just as much?

[@ArtichokeHunter]

it would be interesting to see how this interacts with religion. like... plenty of people have very different ideas about what can and cannot be real but just telling kids about what fantasy is seems like, pretty obvious. "let's play pretend!" is a thing people say for a reason. i'm pretty sure a lot of parents do this without being montessori parents. like. you read kids children's books and you don't pretend that arthur is actually some sentient aardvark. you establish that fictional books are stories but not real i think santa and religion are the only things i'm aware of where parents traditionally don't tell the kid that it's not real (and with religion, it's more complex how "reality" works). imagining knights based on learning about history doesn't seem different imo from imagining a dragon based on learning about folklore... both are not things that are current reality for the child, but they've learned how they fit into the world and at the end of the day, "reality" doesn't only consist of physical, material things that exist. cultural stories, folklore, and art are important parts of our reality. historical beliefs, religions we don't believe in, theories about things we can never know, and wild imaginations are all part of our reality. of course, that doesn't mean kids need to be exposed to them immediately, but stories and myths have real meaning and impact on our lives and the lives around us. They just have a different type of reality to them than like. trees and plumbers and pavement. And that's why we can talk to kids and encourage imaginative thinking, while being attentive to that distinction.

[@Jackie-cl2qe]

That is so interesting to me. Because fantasy is used for metaphors, and you would have to explain what the metaphors could mean. That's great to teach media literacy. But by just saying it's not real, I think that would actually harm the ability to read metaphors and understanding of other cultures in the long run. But idk and I don't know much about montessori

[@PhotonBeast]

I don't disagree, though I would add that fantasy and fiction don't only include knights and dragons and the like. It's been shown that young children struggle with recognizing advertisements, for instance, and so the kind of 'fiction' that ads portray may be something to discuss with children.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@Jackie-cl2qe yeah it could be a really good discussion about what the stories mean culturally. I don't think just saying they're not real would cover it but i think there's a lot of valuein giving context to the stories we share

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@PhotonBeast oh absolutely

[@salemsaberhagan]

Religion & myth are all part of the social information a c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶ person will need to be more culturally informed in life. Plus, a lot of children are smart enough to figure out that flying carpets aren't real all on their own. What my family did was introduce things as "stories," whether about gods or people, and the general understanding was that all stories aren't real. It was only when I explicitly asked whether something really happened that I got an answer & even then they didn't always know the specifics so it would be a learning experience for everyone involved.

[@Jackie-cl2qe]

My mom had to exorcize the holy ghost from our home bc I've heard in religion class that he's always there & sees everything. I'm talking salt on the windowsills. We've befriended the monster under the bed by offering litte snacks, like its a pet. We're also all neurodivergent. Still don't know whether to laugh or cry about it

[@Spagettigeist]

i can't tell you if you should laugh about it, but your story sure made me giggle =) At least your mom had your back when you were confronted with evil ghosts.

[@undefinederror40404]

Sounds like you were easily very convinced of things, and instead of trying to fight you on that your mom played along. Like another commentor said: "fantasy problems require fantasy solutions". I think this sounds good, I'd laugh about it if that happened in our house :)

[@angelanice]

I'm so glad you explained this while visiting a fantasy theme park to explain all the nuances. My main hobby revolves completely around fantasy (live action roleplay) and I love sharing it with my children ❤ My oldest has decided to use the Montessori teaching method when she has children so I've been paying attention to all of your videos about it and when you mentioned before that it doesn't include fantasy I was concerned. Seeing exactly how it's handled has me feeling much more comfortable with the idea 😊 So yes! Please keep the Montessori videos coming and I'd love to hear about grace and courtesy next 😁

[@amywhite1149]

I think there's a fair point to be made about learning to understand what's true and what isn't from an early age, but for me and my understanding of learning and growing both for myself as a kid and the children I know growing up (and for myself in the future) is that equally important as this is learning to re-adjust your understanding of the world when something you previously believed to be true, isn't. for a kid, figuring out santa isn't real is one of the first big paradigm shifts in their life, and understanding that sense of disappointment, confusion, revelation etc is essential to navigating life as an adult. we will not always be able to rationally understand the truth of the world around us, no matter how intelligent we are or how truthful those who surround us are being. so I think that the montessori idea of placing great weight in educating your child in understanding truth is, for me, not quite as important as letting them learn themselves how to process a supposed truth changing, while also allowing them to embrace a world of imagination that was so vital for my development as a kid into who I am today. of course, this comes with the caveat of it just being my personal philosophy when it comes to parenting. there's no one method that will produce a perfectly well-adjusted child, and different techniques work for different families to produce a diverse society that's so important to our culture today.

[@LoveParigi95]

So interesting! This was one part of Montessori that I was really confused about so thank you for explaining. I do wonder though - how do you know what reality is and isn't? That's actually a really big philosophical question - and it's not as clear cut as you're making it seem. For example, you talk about dragons not being real - but there's a possibility that they're based on dinosaurs or another extinct creature that we don't currently have evidence for. Like a castle is real because we currently have concrete evidence of it, but a dragon isn't because we don't? Fair place to draw the line but not everything that exists leaves evidence of its existence. Also, there can be evidence for the existence of something that doesn't actually exist (think UFO evidence that is actually military testing). Look up the story of the Yamuti. It was a creature that Indigenous Australians knew about and talked about but when white people came they dissmissed it as fantasy because it was extinct and they had "no evidence" of it. Turns out it was real and their stories of it were incredibly accurate. Now Indigenous Australians are very very good at oral histories but how can anyone know for sure that folklore or fantasy isn't real or based on something that was real once? I think here we start to edge into different belief systems where everyone should get to choose for themselves. Most people are talking about Santa and organised religions but there's so many things that actually sit in the grey area of we're not 100% sure what's going on here - people communicating with animals, chakras, the placebo effect, quantum physics. Now you might not be talking to small children about those things necessarily but like I'm a very well educated adult and I'm not always 100% sure where the line is between reality and fantasy and I just ...in so many ways you are doing an amazing job of creating an independent kid it just seems odd to then be telling him what is and isn't real? Why not just tell him what you understand from your adult perspective without making a real/not real judgement? When you were little and asking your Mum to tell you that Santa wasn't real, couldn't she have helped you decide for yourself whether you thought it was real? This could, and really should, include a discussion of evidence, what counts as evidence, etc. but wouldnt that be a better learning experience and more empowering? Not trying to have a go at anyone, genuinely interested in discussion, and like understand that they may do something like this and the 15 minute video is just a simplified version of their actual parenting approach 😅

[@insertname1857]

huge agree. and my love of fantasy and exposure to fantasy from such a young age is actually part of why i love grappling with these topics and im majoring in mythology and folklore with a bent on finding the "why" behind their existence. why are there so many cultures with flood myths? well, we can trace those flood myths and find that there were big floods that influenced their creation. certainly not the "entire world," but there were mini global warming and mini ice age events that rapidly rose water levels, altered coastlines, and caused flooding. there was a pretty decent flood around the time of a sumerian flood myth. personally, i want to prove unicorns were real. no, not ones with magical powers and sparkly and pink. merely an extinct horse-like species with a single horn, just like how narwhals are real or rhinos are real. or even the fact that many animal species can develop growths and tumours that resemble horns and antlers. science is so vast. theres so much we dont know. theres absolutely room for fantasy and its hard to dictate "this is real and this is not." and im autistic! logic and reasoning and black and white thinking is kinda my default setting. but growing up with fantasy from a young age allowed me to consider the grey areas

[@PrincessLissyJane]

This answer is exactly where it's at! There is so much beauty in the unknown and the unevidenced. Things that we now categorically believe to be real or unreal were 50 years ago in that space of potential fantasy. When children are young, why not expose them to the concept of boundless possibilities, why limit it to what we know to be real right now.

[@FaiaHalo]

I LOVE your videos!!! Although I don'y have children, I LOVE learning about learning and child development. And as someone who grew up being dismissed as a child, I'm moved to tears by how you are raising Rupert ❤

[@theroseinthelibrary7975]

Well… speaking as someone who was obsessed with fairy and folktales as a very small child, and wound up studying folklorism as much as possible in my situation… I’m screaming internally! 😂 BUT yall are lovely people and that’s what really matters when raising a child. Maybe this kind of upbringing will turn him into the next Marie-Louise Von Franz!🤷‍♀️

[@cariiinen]

They don't ban fantasy, they just give their child context and explain that it's not real. A big part of montessori is observing and responding to a child's interest. So he might go down the same route as you, if he likes.

[@theroseinthelibrary7975]

@@cariiinen yes, I watched the video, I agree.

[@insertname1857]

yeah im the same as you and im genuinely disappointed in them for this

[@theroseinthelibrary7975]

@@insertname1857 I’m not disappointed, just… nerd brain is screaming, you know how it is.

[@freyahartas6022]

As someone who grew up to be a children's book illustrator, fully influenced by a childhood full of imagined fairy lands and talking animals... I am screaming internally too lol.

[@florabramwell2638]

Looking back over the course of human history, there's a clear pattern of using storytelling and metaphor to explore reality and the complicated experience of being human. Its a meaningful, enriching and gentle way for children and adults to examine reality through different lenses. I grew up on these kinds of stories and never had trouble distinguishing between the real and imaginative world. If anything, I'd say that getting older and trying to deal with the 'real world' has been far more traumatic and confusing! Stories and fantasy tales, cultural legends and figures are a natural part of the human experience; I think the problems arise in how they're engaged with, not the phenomena themselves. I would question how one determines what reality is, objectively, and how one teaches that to young children who have no wider context for the world? I agree its important to be truthful with children, but to my mind there's just as many pitfalls trying to explain reality, as either a concept or a lived experience. I wonder if this concern around fantasy/ reality is more of a modern day issue, with so much of our daily lives distorted by unreality, via the media and modern culture. Its brave of you to put yourself out there and share your perspectives and parenting choices; I don't agree with you on this particular issue, but I can respect your choices and see how much you love your child, which is the important thing in the end 😊

[@JauntyCrepe]

My parents always explained that fantasy things weren’t real and I never felt like it took the fun away for me. I enjoy reading fantasy like LOTR still to this day

[@cariiinen]

Yes!

[@samanthanotsamiam8404]

I grew up with my grandmother doing props for a local community theater. I understood that things like tv, plays and movies were pretend. I learned that it was just grown ups playing make believe. I saw my first play at 18 months and was fascinated. I still find live theatre fascinating and often spend half of play productions trying to figure out how they make things happen (like how the beast changes into a human in Beauty and the Beast). I never minded Santa but in the US he only enters the living room. If he entered the bedroom I would have been freaked out…. I did figure out he wasn’t real around the age of 4-5.

[@jennifers5560]

I remember being TERRIFIED of Santa. He used to visit my Grandmas house when I was little. In pictures, my brother and cousins are gathered around him all excited and you can clearly see that I am pushing my younger cousin in front of me because I did not want to get near Santa. Years later I learned it was my Uncle that was dressing up as Santa, I was so relieved.

[@insertname1857]

my mom was a theatre major and theatre and make believe are sooo integral to who i am! since i was born. while i was in the womb! i too love finding out how productions run. i had such a great time seeing aladdin on broadway because i sat up in the nosebleed seats and i saw the stage and behind the stage. the genie "suddenly appearing" was so cool- they had a platform in the stage that could go up and down to a room under the stage.

[@catmanmenace]

Santa is kind of creepy even in American culture tbh "he sees when you are sleeping he knows when you're awake" is famously a very creepy line.

[@sophiedereans]

Stalker alert for goodness'sake!!!

[@lolosrainydays]

I live in ireland and i feel as a child we grew up surrounded by fantasy and ancient stories. It was just part of the culture. Leprechauns were always more of a tourist thing but you could have a fairy ring in a field and the farmer would never cut that section. We learnt all the native irish stories in school like "the children of lir" and "the salmon of knowledge" . Storytelling i's just rooted in our culture. Santa and the tooty fairy were just added into the mix!

[@nergregga]

I was not raised in montessori but my family always told us the truth about where things come from and how things worked. I don't feel like i missed out, nor did I ruin things for other children who didn't know thing or believed in santa claus because it was fun knowing the same things as the adults. I still read fairy tales, and enjoyed them just as well knowing they were just stories.

[@cariiinen]

Lovely!

[@astranaut3967]

I appreciate this comment! My spouse and I are atheist and I didn't want to lie to my children. Most of our neighbors/friends/family do choose to tell their kids Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy. We still celebrate holidays and birthdays and everything, just without make believe characters.

[@Tessa_Gr]

Yes, as someone who even as a kid never really believed in things like Santa, I was really surprised about how many people are so emotional wanting kids being taught fantasy as reality. I feel like that's more about how they feel about their own childhoods than anything else. You don't need to believe in fantasy to enjoy it. I'd reckon almost everyone who loves fantasy does not believe any of it is real. I'm German so my parents read me Germans fairytales as a child (yes, the traditional ones, not that Disney crap). I still have a lot of love for them, even though I've always known they're not real. But it was still fun as a child to hear a spooky story, sometimes with a happy ending, sometimes not.

[@cariiinen]

@@Tessa_Gr agreed!

[@lidu6363]

I have to say, I was really trying to watch this video, but the concept itself is just too trauma-inducing for me. I cannot imagine my childhood without fantasy. My love for fantasy was possibly even the main reason why I learned to read at the age of 5.

[@jeroenimus7528]

Honestly I think it's a good video but accidentally mislabelled (by Montessori rather than Jessica). The main topic here is about encouraging critical thinking once a child is ready for it, and not trying to quash it early by training the wee one to have blind faith/obedience supersede any other thought or curiosity. I just posted an elaborate comment of my own. I'd love to hear/read if watching the video through the new lens my comment might provide would soothe any bad feelings so we don't even have to get near trauma.

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

I liked fantasy aa a young child. It's not like I believed in it, just liked to imagine it when playing by myself. Fantasy is an excellent escape for kids who don't "fit the norm ." It's nice to imagine there might be someplace we belong

[@jennifers5560]

❤️

[@jessicaoutofthecloset]

Absolutely! Fantasy can be a wonderful escape and source of comfort. ❤

[@cynhanrahan4012]

I'm a polytheistic pagan witch, so what you call fantasy is part of my religion (Christianity and other religions also include a large bit of unprovable belief). However, I raised my daughter areligious until she was 7 or 8 years old, and then only allowed in small bits. I didn't isolate her from my circle's children, but our circle directs group play, games and story time to the smallest of the children. The older children, say 10-12, assisted in managing our youngest wildings, and in the process learned positive redirection. Please do take this as intended, I'm not angry, I'm just explaining a different way of managing the spectrum of fantasy and reality within a belief system. Grace and courtesy? Yes, please.

[@baguettegott3409]

Man, those poor kids... imagine growing up with your mom calling herself a witch. If my mother had sprung this upon me at age 8 or 10 or whatever, I would have thought she was insane and very stupid.

[@jennifers5560]

@@baguettegott3409Wow, this is a rude comment.

[@baguettegott3409]

@@jennifers5560 It is, but I just can't help it, this stuff is so dumb.

[@liliumnoir]

@@baguettegott3409 maybe you’re conflating the Christian and/or fantasy idea of what a witch is, with reality? Most of it is about being connected to the earth, and like every religion there are origin stories that are rooted in fantasy. Same as Jesus returning from the dead and walking on water, that’s impossible. Pagan religions are no weirder than any others, they were just made to look that way when the church wanted people to assimilate.

[@renoftheshadows]

@@baguettegott3409 you can actually help it. Don't try to displace your responsibility. You made a conscious CHOICE to be an asshole. You could have "helped it"; you just chose not to. You need to learn grace and courtesy it sounds like.

[@cassandramuller7337]

I think there is a point to fantasy that can be really helpful to us as humans. For example there are studies that show that people who stutter in real life don't stutter when they play D&D. Why? Because the character they are playing is not themself. Now obviously this can work for non-fantastical role-play as well, but the fantastical is an easily accessible way to think about concepts like religion, faith, ethics and all kinds of what-if scenarios, that would be really hard to deal with, if the setting was more realistic. It's (to me) also easier to think about how another character/person would act when the setting is not real in any way. It is devoid of reality in the sense of the natural world, but not in the sense of humanity and society. It makes it a wonderful place to explore social questions in a safe environment (without even imaginary real world consequences). A very famous example of this is Terry Pratchett and his discworld series. It is an undisputed masterpiece and what makes it literature (imo), is the fact that he uses this crazy fantastical world to show off real world scenarios and societal issues. He'll show an interaction that, were it shown in a real world setting, we would deem relatively normal. However, in contrast with his crazy fantasy world, it suddenly seems even crazier, than the world he established. And yet, when you think about it, you realise, that what he just described as a crazy human interaction or societal problem, is something we in the real world would see as completely normal because we are completely desensitised to it. It takes this crazy fantasy world to highlight just how crazy certain behaviours are and this is exactly what makes fantasy such an incredible space for social critique. The thing about fantasy is: the fantasy world is not real, but the way it can show humanity, *can* very much be real.

[@KikuAkachan92]

I totally respect your decisions, but for me personally fantasy saved my life as a small child. I grew up in a very non-child safe home, and fantasy helped me to survive the worst of it until I was old enough to leave. I needed that fantasy from about age 2-3. For myself personally, I couldn't imagine living without it until age six. I always love your videos on Montessori, and find the way you explain things very soothing and gentle, even if I don't always agree 100%. Good job on another thought provoking video. ☺️

[@fraupoppy]

Hi, teacher with a Montessori diploma here. I love love love what my Knowles geht about Montessori has given me and has done for the way I teach or rather enable my students. There is one big issue I had and still have (because I remember myself as a child and happen to know many kids, my own included): No fantasy😢. I am of the oppinion, that children do understand differences between reality and fantasy just the same way they can differentiante between reality and play pretend. I know, I did. And I experience how my daughter (2,5) is capable of understanding. I think explanation ist key. Waiting for the Montessori Lynch mob

[@reybenesmisasi8017]

I always find it interesting to hear other people's approaches to teaching their kids about fantasy/ fiction-- mainly cuz of how i grew up but also kinda cuz my youngest brother and i have a 14 year age gap and it's always interesting to just observe. I have to admit, i was also a particularly hypersensitive child, so i really do relate to Jessica and Rupert here about certain famtasy things (read: too many disney classics) being too much for me to handle as a kid. My mom is actually still salty about the time when she gave me the first Artemis Fowl book to read at age 6 to give me a much needed reading challenge, but I was so distressed at the idea of kidnapping or hurting a fairy that i lied about reading it. I actually ended up loving it when i got older, but my brain was a bit too young and sensitive to things I liked and related to being hurt fictionally. I KNEW these things weren't real and just fiction (even if i wanted some things to be), but the *concepts* of certain things and exploring them were sometimes too much for me at that time. I didn't have the tools to grasp and feel comfortable exploring them yet so i got scared like any normal kid would. At the same time though, i hate when people act like kids cant grasp the difference between fiction and reality? I grew up around a lot of conservative Christians that REFUSED to let their kids read harry potter and one of my friends tried to read percy jackson but than was forced to stop because "those aren't real gods". I read all of those series in full before i was 10, i fully understood they weren't real, and I thought the fact they weren't actually real was the whole point. Kids are a lot smarter than they get credit for, and a lot of parents don't understand that even in function and fantasy we're exploring the concepts of it? Kids gravitate towards all sorts of stuff to explore and understand it, even if it's taboo or touchy things like death or violence, and I think a lot of parents get scared because they think that the exploration of the topic can do more than just bleed into reality. I think it's a valid fear, it's very understandable and i empathize as an eldest sibling, but i also think it's a bit... i don't know the word for it, but what I'm trying to say is a lot of times getting pulled away from exploring concepts as kids adds a feeling shame to them, especially when you are eventually allowed/ forced to explore and come to terms with them when you get older. Obviously kids cant handle the full everything at once, sensitive or not, but i do think there's age appropriate ways to explore every topic, even the taboo ones. I think parental guidance through exploring those concepts is actually key-- every kid is going to curious about death and violence. The ones that turn out to be serial killers are usually exploring it by themselves. I dunno, for whatever it's worth, I'm not a parent and I'm in my early twenties so i doubt these opinions are gonna be set in stone for me, but they are my thoughts now, and maybe sharing them will help them grow

[@Elektrochoke]

It’s the only thing I don’t like about Montessori education actually 😄 I like applying a mixture of the best from Montessori and waldorf. I like the magic fairytales, gnomes… from waldorf

[@baguettegott3409]

Waldorf has to be used in moderation as well though. On a moderate level, it can be a wonderful style of school for many kids that would really struggle in the super strict, indoors-only, grade focused academic world. But on a more extreme level it's gonna heavily damage the poor kids with some truly insane nonsense...

[@Elektrochoke]

@@baguettegott3409 all in moderation and without getting cult-like with Rudolph yeah

[@TeacupToaster]

I'm having a bit of a hard time wrapping my head around this concept, fantasy stories have saved my life countless times, i don't know if i would be an artist if i hadn't had such a strong connection to it from the start. My favourite book, that i read every day as an undiagnosed autistic child, was Alice in Wonderland. It helped me imagine a world where others would accept me. I guess it's different when the entire world (except your own home and parent) feels wrong as a child, and the fantasy world helps you imagine a world where you can fit in. Fantasy and play helps a child process the things that are happening to them. I don't know if i could for example tell a happy little girl who loves unicorns that by the way, unicorns aren't real. That just feels unnecessarily cruel? Maybe i misunderstand and in those situations it would be different? Perhaps you mean that you'd only specify that something is not real if it brings the child discomfort?

[@ande100]

De Efteling is phenomenal! It was my favorite park to visit as a child. And Wachtendonk and the Avifauna! Sweet childhood memories❤🎉. Happy Anniversary.

[@cariiinen]

Here's a perspective that might be interesting for those who feel deeply about this topic: Parenting is always selective/ biased in some ways. We are all influenced by things we've been exposed to, and that's OK. Some people love fantasy and choose to share this extensively with their children. Others love animals, music, nature, painting, cooking, football, etc, and so their family life will have a greater focus on this. That doesn't mean the children are suffering from "lack" of the other things. Also, most parents are responsive to their children's needs and interest, and will try to include them in their daily life. For example, I might book a dance class for my toddler if it's not my thing, but I see he is drawn to it.

[@HufflePorg]

My parents never did any sort of explanation without prompting but I always had a strong sense of real vs fantasy and chose when I wanted to just pretend it could be real to enjoy myself better when going to places like Disney land, I also was always intrigued on how they did stuff like animatronics.

[@lnt305]

I have a niece who is really into princesses. I wonder, how Montessori deals with this, because of course princesses are real and exist, but her understanding seems to be more fantasy rooted. She seemed genuinely surprised when I told her that some of our neighbor countries have real princesses

[@eileenmcdonald1599]

So you want to make her feel bad about her fun when she isn't old enough to comprehend .

[@Teajay21]

​@eileenmcdonald1599 Why do you think the commenter wants to ruin her fun? Telling her other countries have princesses isnt making her feel nad

[@lnt305]

@@eileenmcdonald1599lol what? She definitely was excited that the thing she only knows from fairytales (and let’s be real: Frozen) is also a real title one can have

[@restlessellis]

This is being asked genuinely, but what's the take on religion wrt to this no fantasy approach? Does montessori encourage parents not to include their children in religious practice and culture until later, or explain it in the same way, or is it viewed as an exception? And if it is, does that potentially lead to trouble later as the kid was introduced to a concept of something intangible/something that others would argue isn't real, when only surrounded by a more grounded real world? Does it make it more engrained within them as just a reality than it would be otherwise?

[@jenniferandthings]

Ive always loved fantasy, it was always an escape. Fantasy is what got me into reading and how i discovered my love for writing ❤

[@Natalie-101]

I'm curious, what would you and claudia do if rupert used something magical during imaginative play, like sending his dolls to a faraway land where everything was food and there were sentient candy monsters (a real play scenario my cousins and I used to do) or "Oh no we can't climb across the canyon, oh look here's a giant (or a larger-than-life bird or other fantasy element) that's come to save us and carry us across!"? Would you stop the play to explain why it's not possible, suggest other more realistic options, or wait until after he finished his story to make sure he knew he was saying couldn't be true?

[@zamorvex]

im actually super curious if anyone who was raised in montasory went into a job involving fantasy and how it shapes their imagination when either, writing a story or drawing illestrations. im curious if it makes there stories a bit more grounded or if they are able to reach for that fantastical aspect of the imagination that can seem non-sensicle

[@tineboes2726]

Oh my god, I absolutely love the Efteling! I agree that it's a nice place to go if you're sensitive to sensory input, and I much prefer the rides to those roller coasters you see in more traditional parks that seem to get more and more extreme every time.

[@jp-wc4ce]

my parents never told me Father Christmas was real - they didn't tell me he was fake they just didn't put on a show - and I'm honestly fine with that. I don't think my childhood was any worse for it. but so many people will tell me that my parents deprived me of a magical experience, only to admit in the next breath that finding out Santa wasn't real was horrible - that they cried for hours and it ruined their Christmas and they struggled to trust adults again. yeah, there are parents who break the news tactfully and gracefully, but for so many people it seems to have been a perfectly avoidable childhood trauma! I'm glad my parents decided not to lie to me.

[@eileenmcdonald1599]

Do you feel deprived. Every child is different and should be treated as such. Those that lump them all together in any way can be harmful.

[@Tessa_Gr]

Yes, it feels weird how many people really don't like parents not teaching their kids things which are, in essence, lies. It reminds me of those people who act like you need to go to Disneyland at least once as a kid to have a truly happy and fulfilled childhood. That's just bc the Disney company branded itself that way, and too many people just believe their ads and trust them for some reason. I grow up without Disney at all, never watched a single Disney film until I was maybe 12. I did not miss out on anything, just like many other children who grow up perfectly happy without it. I think Santa is the same, so many kids grow up without Santa, acting like believing in Santa is such an important part of childhood it just incredibly ignorant of how different others can live without missing out on anything.

[@jp-wc4ce]

@@eileenmcdonald1599 true, I don't disagree - I just think people should try to consider the impact even fun lies can have on very small children, and I don't think parents should lie to their kids just because it's the done thing. Like I said I don't think my childhood was any worse for not believing in Father Christmas

[@jp-wc4ce]

@@Tessa_Gr I persuaded my parents to take me to Disney once as a kid based solely on the idea it was something I 'had' to do, and it wasn't even that good 😂 But yeah, our cultures have many deeply engrained ideas of what childhood 'should' be like that don't really allow for the fact that other cultures do it differently

[@inkfyre13]

I think this is a great way to actually introduce fantasy to children. This saves them all the confusion and the devastating parts where children themselves have to learn fantasy, magic, and figures like Santa Claus arent real. Traditional society lets kids think of these things in a real world sense, tries to preserve it for them as long as they can, and then when the inevitable fallout of the kid learning otherwise happens the kid has to deal with disappointment and adjustment all on their own. This completely removes that situation from happening and allows them to still engage with fantasy without any of that confusion, disappointment, or upset

[@cariiinen]

Yes!

[@Wolfbane192]

Well yes, but on the other hand, as a very famous author once said, you HAVE to start out believing in the little lies. Because they’re practice for you getting older and believing in the big ones like justice, mercy, and fairness. They don’t exist, they’re just as much a fantasy as Santa. Unless we choose to believe and manifest them.

[@MilouLois]

Awesome that you went to Efteling, and i'm glad you did your research as in my opinion knowing the history of the park makes it even more magical!😊

[@dimitra_k]

I'd love a video on grace and courtesy! I love these style of videos in general they're so interesting

[@SepticShockAKAVin]

Interested to watch this! EDIT: 7 minutes in and I'm almost crying. I grew up doing that. Asking questions about anything and everything. I once got in trouble at a daycare type of place for telling kids Santa wasn't real 😅 my parents didn't tell me, I just figured it made no sense

[@jennifers5560]

❤

[@malacastre]

As we've raised our 7yo, when he asks about something fantastical we ask, "Do you want the fun answer or the real answer?" He always asked for both, but he wanted the real one first.

[@tw1gii]

i love your style of videos and the content you show so much it’s so comforting

[@freyaporter99]

This is so interesting to learn about, thank you for sharing the more controversial parts of Montessori! As someone whose early life was very contextualised by fantasy (I'm autistic, real life was often horribly overwhelming in a way no adult could foresee, and coming up with fantastical explanations for things was a comforting coping mechanism), I do see the benefits, especially when it comes to Santa or mechanical statues or other things that children have deeper questions about that the fantasy doesn't adequately explain. I wonder what side I'll end up on as a parent 😂

[@mollyjohnson7097]

Wonderful video! This makes me very curious about how how you are handling the topic of spiritual beliefs.

[@Authentistic-ism]

I remember my mother making sure to tell me that the fantasy elements in all my favorite stories and cartoons were just that, fantasy. My enjoyment of fantasy was tempered with some healthy skepticism from the start in this way. However, my same mother used things like Santa Claus to attempt to control my behavior, as many parents do. I could tell that Santa Claus was also magical fantasy, and when I understandably told my mother "But it's just fantasy, I know it's the parents play-acting Santa Claus every year." She got so angry at me for not taking her Santa story fully seriously and not believing in it. While I got made fun of for believing in things like disney magic or expressing doubts. She also insisted I believe heavily in relgious miracles and things and distinguished them from magic and fantasy, claiming relgious bible stuff was real. It really was a confusing time to be with her. She truly coudln't pick a lane.

[@Authentistic-ism]

All that rambling is to say, I think it's super appropriate what you describe. While his brain is still developing to learn to distinguish reality for himself, you are making it safe for Rupert to ask and be told honestly what is real and what is not. I wish my mother had that simple guiding principle.

[@cariiinen]

Our society sure does make things confusing for kids!

[@justinamoniz]

I'm expecting my first baby in February, so I want all the Montessori videos! I learn better with videos than reading and I really appreciate your analysis. Your videos are what made me look into Montessori years before we were trying for a baby. Turns out my husband and I are on the same page about it being the best approach for us. I would really like a video on courtesy! I've been thinking about how to raise my child to be polite and considerate of others without encouraging neurodivergent masking (I'm audhd, so that's very important to me).

[@shannonrolfes5171]

I think everyone could be reminded of grace and courtesy regardless of age!

[@kitkiri4365]

I would love to see a video about Grace & Courtesy! I have dabbled in Montessori research, and your videos are super helpful in breaking down some of the concepts for which I feel I need more context - especially as someone who currently cares for kids! Also that park looks LOVELY and has been added to my list of places to visit one day!

[@Authentistic-ism]

I think it's super appropriate what you describe. While his brain is still developing to learn to distinguish reality for himself, you are making it safe for Rupert to ask and be told honestly what is real and what is not. I wish my mother had that simple guiding principle. This simple principle can even help with self doubt about one's own values within adult relationships later on, helping us pick supportively healthier partnerships for our mental well being. It's very important.

[@nyarparablepsis872]

My dad taught me how to read when I was 4. He used Greek, Roman, and Scandinavian myths for that purpose. I loved it, and it engendered a lifelong fascination with mythology (resulting in publications). I never once thought that those myths were real when I first learned to read them. To each their own!

[@kattymatty413]

I didn’t know much at all about Montessori before this video, and the way you’ve explained this concept around fantasy was really enlightening. I totally hear & have similar questions to others in the comments, but I also see what a bright and reflective child Rupert is. He’s a natural critical thinker with an understanding of the boundaries between reality & fantasy, and I believe that is a completely empowering way to grow up. You’re nurturing his curiosity about fantasy in a way that feels safe and secure to him, while still allowing him to enjoy it (and perhaps enhancing his enjoyment!). I see how encouraging A Belief in fantasy can be misleading to a developing brain - I don’t think explaining fantasy as Not Real ruins it. I think explaining it as Not Real actually supports the fact that imagination can be limitless (hence the examples of fantasy around us), and that any human, grounded in reality, can create amazing things with the power of their imagination. So: teaching differentiation between fantasy and reality, I believe, can be a powerfully positive thing.

[@firstcanonkill1767]

These comments are rather dramatic. Hello! I am a Hellenistic pagan and a witch. I love this approach. When I was young, I was very much sensitive, and always felt better when I was told scary fantasy wasn’t real. The child can still have fun and ‘magic’ without believing in fantasy as reality. For example, though it’s an overstimulating place, Disney sometimes has ‘pixie dust’ to sprinkle over kids. Sure, your child might not believe it’s real if that happens one day, but he still gets the joy of being covered in sparkly glitter and PRETENDING it’s pixie dust. We need to give children more credit, and let parents do as they please as long as it’s harmless, which this is.

[@Eco_Hiko]

This is interesting. I can't exactly picture childhood without fantasy but also my introduction to fantasy as a kid was Shakespeare and The Lion, The Witch & The wardrobe. Which isn't the usual princess focused Disney fantasy. I think both fantasy and Montessori are equally valid but I did enjoy this video. I'm more curious to know if the racist parts of Eftiling have been removed. It's a place on my bucket list that just fell out of my brain.

[@renoftheshadows]

How do you mesh this with your belief in the divine, who many think is also fantasy? I believe in many gods and goddesses and the fae, so I don't know how that would mesh with this kind of parenting. I had never heard of this style of parenting before. It's really interesting. I really think you should do a video on grace and courtesy! I don't have kids but this is all really interesting.

[@shadowangel3995]

He’s getting so big, you guys. It’s been amazing and awesome watching Rupert grow as a child and you two grow as parents. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[@lunamoonbaby4865]

Hi Jessica, as a UK Montessorian and Child Development lecturer and practitioner of many years, you explained this beautifully. Some very interesting discussion here in the comments! UK Montessorians fully acknowledge the differences in culture and society between her lifetime and ours. It is a commonly held belief that Maria would endorse moving with the times 😊 Follow the child, hold them at the heart of all you do, and you can't go far wrong.

[@lesliebrickey8357]

What do you do if the child has an imaginary friend?

[@eileenmcdonald1599]

Which is very normal.

[@lisalove8532]

Fantasy and imaginary are not the same thing. Start about 9mins in to hear her talk about it

[@writethepath8354]

3:55 the way I warn people to mind what they say around my mimic child is: "record and repeat is present"

[@ArtichokeHunter]

by the time I was 6, i had a 10 year old sibling who would bet me that dragons were real, and I would take the bet because I was confident that dragons were not real! and then my sibling would explain to me that the stories we tell and the things we imagine ARE real, that dragons exist as a figment of our imagination. i did not appreciate this trickery (the term "social construct" had not yet entered our vocabularies, but boy would it)

[@sl33pw17h4ng3l5]

He also could have shown you a picture of a Komodo Dragon!

[@ElliePorges]

I love this. My 2 year old daughter loves dinosaurs and we read scientific magazines about them and go to museums but she still sometimes loves the story about an orange dinosaur eating a jar of pickles. More often than not she plays we have to hide from mean dinosaurs who are in her mind probably just hungry or they need a friend but we have to hide to make sure that it’s safe. There are also nice dinosaurs who roam our house and when she’s digging in the garden she may come across dinosaur bones that are just whatever she wants it to be. She loves ghosts because her dad looks like a duvet ghost or blanket ghost when we’re doing laundry. She likes these stories because they are her imagination. She knows what’s real but has so much fun creating a story and a comfortable moment outside reality if she needs a break or wants to express something or simply to have fun. It’s so nice seeing what her different stories are showing us about her nature and her world. If she wants to pretend she’s in a boat and there are fishes around her making waves than its so fun. We have fantasy all around us in our lives but can we explain it to her in a way that respects her development and her temperament and sensitivities of course! Will we visit Santa, yes, but is the Santa that we visit just someone who wants to make sure that Christmas is a special time, yes. Will I have a bit of fantasy because its important to our family traditions when it comes Christmas time yes. Will Santa leave her a letter but only after writing to her and introducing himself and explaining the world he comes from and asking if he can visit and explaining how it all works, in the world that our family has created for our Santa, and will she have to invite him back if she she wants to write back yes.

[@freddie.spaghetti]

something i’ve been wondering about montessori and the developmental stages: what if the child is developmentally delayed for one reason or another? (or develops faster than what is the norm) are parents supposed to adjust the age-range guidelines to suit the development they see in their child, or just go along with what the guidelines say even if it’s not quite congruous with where the child is actually at developmentally? (i hope this isn’t a silly or rude question, i am asking purely out of curiosity)

[@a.r.bolton3995]

Honestly, this makes so much more sense and helps us understand how our ancestors thought process and mythology

[@megdelaney3677]

The park looks like so much fun! Rupert is so adorable! - I wish I could've been parented in that fashion. It sounds ideal. Would love to see a video on Grace & Courtesy.

[@ahqeeef]

This is so interesting! I went to a Montessori school when i was younger but i never really understood what it actually was. This is really informative :))

[@catmanmenace]

My earliest memory is having a dream while I was still in the crib where I had a magic wand that could make pretty and exciting things appear out of thin air and then I woke up and my magic wand was gone and I couldn't escape the crib and I wanted my mommy to come help me so all I could do was cry. I loooved magic and fantasy and my whole childhood I was obsessed with stories and I realised I wanted to be a writer by the time I was 4 and this never changed. I also fully and at times intentionally believed in magic until my teens. I don't think this was particularly damaging to me relatively speaking although I'm still a little scared of monsters I don't actually believe exist (I have an overactive imagination for better and for worse), but I think it *could* be damaging to many kids. For me I think it was prob bc I had a traumatizing home life and I'm autistic and desperately needed escapism and after I was 8 I didn't have many friends. I can't say what kind of effect magic and fantasy had on *me* because I had worse things going on. It's probably not damaging to most kids in any significant way but I don't think a lack of it is damaging either. Kids need different things too... it's important to respond to their needs and this won't make or break your parenting. Idk... this is a very interesting discussion.

[@Penelope222]

You always explain things so well!

[@OtherBlueFae]

I love how curious he is! He is just the most precious little guy. It’s so cool seeing how you two are raising him.

[@kamilee4123]

See it’s very strange to me that people do just… let their kids believe fantasy is real? Because my parents never ever did. They always explained this to us. Granted, that did lead to me crying at age 3 when my grandpa dressed up as Santa for Christmas because in my small child mind, Santa (St. Nicholas, who my parents told us Santa was based off of because I come from a Christian family) was dead, and that meant my grandpa was dead. But I chalk that up to just me being a weird, somewhat literal (undiagnosed autism) child. So like many people, when I heard Montessori doesn’t allow fantasy, I thought that was weird, but having it explained as helping kids get a basis of what is and isn’t real makes sense. Still not sure I would wait till 6, but I agree with the basic principle behind it.

[@cariiinen]

Yes!

[@courtneycohen4775]

Thank you for explaining that you don't ban him from fantasy. Because i remembered you saying that The Nutcracker was one of his favorite stories, and i was wondering how that worked if you didn't allow any fantasy.

[@rayanagi]

I love seeing Rupert ❤ Totally darling. I still remember the story I was told when I was a child that (harshly) grounded me in reality. It was about a neighborhood kid my dad grew up with who thought he could be Superman if he just had a red cape. He acquired a cape and proceeded to jump off the roof of his garage thinking he could fly. Thankfully he didn't die. Just broke his arm. My Dad's moral to that story was don't be stupid. 😂 I've spent the rest of my life thinking about what COULD happen. Obsessively. He is also the one who heard me asking about swim lessons on a family vacation when I was 6 and said "Oh that's easy. Let me show you how I learned to swim..." He threw me into the deep end of the hotel pool. And no, I didn't learn to swim that day. But I got a swift lesson in drowning. 🤔 I had a very different parenting method when I raised my 2 boys. 😂😂😂 My childhood was a long series of lessons on what not to do. You are doing very well! ❤

[@flightlessphoenix77]

I think I was an unusual child, but my total belief in fantasy worlds from the books I loved as an escape for the real one where I wasn't very happy lasted much much longer than until I was 6- probably much closer to 12. I spent a lot of my teenage years feeling very hopeless and I wonder now if part of that was loosing my escape. This perspective is very interesting to me though- and hopefully a happy nurtured child never needs to believe that spells and magic can save them, because there is nothing to be saved from.

[@allisonbarg6743]

I am sooo glad I came back and watched the whole thing because I only had time for the intro at first and had SO many questions, all of which were answered later on. I actually love this philosophy!

[@malvinafis6907]

How funny... just coming back from a holiday. and we were in Efteling, too. what a coincidence! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[@k1t2m3g4]

No animals wearing clothes... .my dog has a sweater collection! Its totally possible.

[@beingilluminous]

I appreciate the candor and sharing of your situation and respect it. I believe the diversity is key and the diversity of *how* understanding that the way people perceive things is key (people who can “hear colors” for example). Fantasy and fairy tales gave permission to imagine what seemed impossible to another (like what life could be like with a disability). Autistic people were most likely considered “fae/fairy” by history, before we could be identified another way. Fairytales introduced diversity ideas before the internet made diversity a reality. Our reality is constantly being created by things that were not considered real 10 to 20 years ago , from virtual reality to everything else (like over 5 billion people on the internet) and encouraging the imagination of possibilities while dealing with the consequences of actions has been the balance that my family has worked best with. Knowing we are all different and I wish the best for everyone involved. Giving kids the ability to see beyond what is known or thought of to be real and the bridge of how to bring it into reality seems to be the skill set all progressive scientific communities explore so I assume the crossover to the fantastic inspired them to find what they could make real. I can’t imagine banning any belief systems except ones that would cause people to feel negatively about other people otherwise it would seem like hypocrisy for a family who is wanting diversity to be the norm.

[@claudiajade624]

As someone who tried to visit the libary with my baby/toddler every few weeks and get a range of books , and whilst i do often opt for realistic ones, it is virtually impossible to avoid anything with anthropomorphised animals. Same for book gifts from family. Early on didnt worry about it, now as she's getting older (2) I do take the opportunity to point out that the unicorn on her dress is a mythical creature, or that rabbits dont really have picnics. I vividly remember finding out in kindergarten that santa wasnt real and i felt hoodwinked and abit stupid and it drove abit of a tiny, first wedge between my mum and I, knowing she had (and continued to, as i didnt tell her) lied to me. So...i do want to manage it differently, but ak not quite sure how yet. Likely explaining is a kind of magic we make for fun, even though is not real, we pretend it is for fun.

[@grimtheghastly8878]

I think whenever I'm ready to have children, the approach that I'm going to take with Santa Claus is to tell them that Santa is a name we give to the Christmas spirit and the spirit of giving, so whenever they get a gift from "Santa" what that means is that it's a gift from all the people who love them.

[@Restingmadface]

Yeah. I have never once told my son that Santa exists. I always said things like, “gift from grandpa. Gift from mom and dad.” Then grandma said “Santa”. So he start talking about it Santa in an excited way. I didn’t want to burst his bubble so I would just smile and move on. But I would still say, “gift from _”. Now at 5, he asked me “ is Santa real” and I don’t lie. So I told him basically what you said. And also that some kids do believe Santa is real so don’t go to school telling them that.

[@julia729]

Fun to see you were in my country! Happy anniversary

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

I would LOVE to watch a video about grace and courtesy! Happy belated anniversary 🎉❤️

[@jennifers5560]

I second a Grace and Courtesy video.

[@jessicaoutofthecloset]

Thank you 🫶

[@megdelaney3677]

Third vote! ❤

[@HOHNancy]

Fourth vote! ❤

[@MariaNordlund]

Fifth vote!

[@pinkrubix]

I'd love to see a video on grace and courtesy in Montessori. This was a very cute video! And very informative! Your Rupert is adorable.

[@CrissaKentavr]

Awesome! I was raised this way - and I love a healthy fantasy. Being specific of what's real and what's not is great.

[@eloiselewis93]

Fascinating video! I think this makes a lot of sense. I remember as a child I thought dinosaurs weren't real because everyone talked about them in the same way as unicorns and dragons. I'd never seen a photo of a dinosaur and so many storys about unicorns say they used to be real, but they're all gone now. Why would dinosaurs be any different? Also I love all your videos thank you for making them

[@TheGardenKitten]

I love this. I so wanted explanations of everything as a child. Also Happy Anniversary!

[@lisastenzel5713]

12:48 😂 Just when I thought: Someone must have been proud of his mommy, cos she fits so well in there with her gorgeous outfits.😅 Funny how this just came up

[@auntheidi9389]

I know absolutely nothing about Montessori anything or any other "scientific" way of raising children. I thinks kids should be allowed to be kids. Fantasy loving kids, serious logical kids. I would just like to see kids put down their phones (adults too), put down their video game controllers (adults too) & pay attention to what's going on around you. Too many people, including kids, live electronically. Pay attention to your life. It's gonna end one day.

[@PastellPudding]

I adore this way of raising a child. I can see very many benefits of it, specially for a neurodivergent. - Both my autistic brother and my ADHD self grew up with adults around us spinning stories and twisting the truth just to scare us and keep us in check, so we grew up very insecure and distrustful of all things and people. We were already to deattached to reality due to our disorders, so it only sent us deeper into scary mental spaces. And with no proper parents to care or guide us, we still struggle to connect to reality as adults over 35 years old. Im still full of nightmares and terrible loneliness. Having a concrete reality as foundation would have done a world's difference to us. Sure, we would still be fantasy-loving and reality escapists, but maybe we would have been less frightened of new things, places, of people, and connecting to others. Magic will still be there when youre old enough to understand it. ^^

[@insertname1857]

im the opposite. im audhd and im so well adjusted BECAUSE i had fantasy since i was born. i can consider grey areas and the world isnt black and white. im not strict in my thinking. im creative. and fantasy was safe while the real world wasnt

[@tessiagriffith9555]

My parents had no idea what Montessori was when we were growing up but they followed this principle almost exactly the way that you have done. It actually lead to really great memories; when christmas was approaching my dad would wrap presents in their room with the door closed and when he was done with one he would open the door and slide it down the hallway yelling "ho ho ho!" We would race from all corners of the house to see who it belonged to and they got to put it under the tree! 😄

[@maryperth]

I've always been so confused about the ethics of Santa Claus. Disclaimer that I don't & won't have any children, but to me it seems highly preferable to not tell children that Santa brings them presents,. (I've even known adults who told me that they were actually really affected and hurt by learning that Santa is fiction, like it really stuck with them and diminished their trust in their parents.) But as a kid growing up and going to school with other kids, would a non-Santa-fied kid inherit a strange kind of "responsibility" to not "ruin Santa" for the other kids?

[@cariiinen]

Same issues with religions, right?

[@rickstarz]

I don't know. I was very upset but I got over it after a day. I think it'd be daft to hate my parents over it because 1) it was a social norn when I was a kid 2) I really enjoyed the idea that he existed (wasn't scared at all) 3) it was an interesting experience defending Santa when my friends started to doubt him lol and 4) I would argue it taught me to question authority a bit more

[@pam112061]

My son decided since he was not as rich as some of his kids friends - and after Christmas break all these kids come to School showing or telling their friends what Santa had got them - would get his kids to thinking Santa must not like them as much or they were not good kids. And honestly that made sense since we live in an area with very poor, poor, Middle class and those who are either very wealthy or greatly in debt (one ever knows). Some kids in elementary schools were getting four wheelers (we live in the country), some got so many gifts that it was not healthy for any child, and some got socks and undérwear. I think one daughter told her sons earlier than usual that there is no Santa, and my other daughter did the Santa thing for years and years with hers. Everyone is different and I respect those who use it as a teaching moment versus those who use it to spent thousands of their kids for one holiday.

[@captainnemo7690]

My parents told me at about age four, I think? Apparently, I asked why we were donating to a toy drive if Santa was real and got very distressed at the idea that Santa would give free toys to kids whose parents could afford them anyway but not to families that couldn't. My parents thought explaining that Santa was just a story would be better than trying to find a way to put a positive spin on Santa's apparent classism. I was too young to be invested or hurt, really, especially because my parents always had a pretty light touch with fantastical things and were very much "some things are just stories, and that's okay because stories are fun" kinda people. We also weren't religious, although my parents had been raised Christian, so they thought we also needed to talk through all of the Jesus stuff before I was in school. I had grown up with a sort of vague idea that some people believe in things that we don't at home and it was important to be nice about those things, but it hadn't been super urgent when I was mostly at home or with family friends. All this is to say, in my own experience it definitely is a little stressful to be the odd kid out when Santa comes up, but my parents taught me to treat it like any other religious or spiritual difference. I was supposed to say things like "I don't believe in Santa Claus" or "we don't have Santa in our holiday celebrations" instead of saying something like "Santa isn't real, and my parents told me so". I would be honest when my classmates told me that they thought maybe Santa wasn't real, but my parents were very clear that it wasn't nice to try to take away something that was making someone else happy. In general, I think it's probably okay to tell most kids a fun, magical story, but I don't think insisting on that story is healthy. If kids express doubt or skepticism, or god forbid actual distress, over something, it isn't fun anymore. I also think something that parents tend to struggle to believe is that a lot of little kids would probably really enjoy playing "Santa is coming" as a silly, imaginative game without trying to trick your kids into believing in it as objective reality. That's basically what my family did, and it's still a lot of fun!

[@lolosrainydays]

I loved Santa. I didn't find out it was just a gradual realisation.